I fell back asleep this morning (following a fairly violent coughing fit) and didn’t start my day until 11:00. I called my doctor and got a 2:45 appointment. Minus an hour’s travel time, that gave me less than two hours to either write a blog entry or make two quiches.
I was told (I won’t name names) that they would only need 30 minutes in the oven. That turned out to be a lie (or an honest mistake), but make two quiches I did. Hmmmm. I didn’t watch the Super Bowl, I’m for gay marriage and I made two quiches today. I’m a unitard away from homosexuality (they all wear unitards, right?)!
Anyhoodles, it is now 5:00 and I have to get my prescription from the pharmacy and cook dinner, but I think I can squeeze you all in for a quick deconstruction of today’s Post.
Besides the New Orleans Saints’ victory (they scored 31, just as I predicted, but Indy failed by 18 to match my prediction of 35), there’s a follow-up EXCLUSIVE on the company that “Governor” Paterson awarded the Aqueduct racino to — and it isn’t very pretty.
The Navegante Group (the gaming arm of AEG) operates seven casinos in Nevada, Wisconsin and Canada. They are all shitholes.
They also own three other properties in Elko, Nevada and they are in even worse shape. “[The carpeting] is stained and dirty, and they just laugh at me when I ask for it to be replaced,” claims Velma Cheety (tee-hee), the front-desk clerk at the Thunderbird Motel. “There’s a bullet hole in the window from five ears ago, and they won’t replace that, either.”
In a related story, “a source frequently in contact with Paterson” tells the Post, “He’s become paranoid. He sits, gnashing his teeth, looking around for scapegoats among the people around him. He’s lecturing them, launching into tirades, and he’s demoralized the entire staff in the process.” I somehow doubt he’s doing a lot of “looking around,” but the rests sounds about right.
A “longtime Paterson friend” says, “He appears increasingly detached from reality, unaware that he has alienated everyone and has lost the political support he needs to survive.” I wish I had friends like that.
The MTA pays the 130 employees at MTA Capital Construction $13,200,000.
Their job? “To make sure contractors hit deadlines and don’t overspend.”
Second Avenue Subway: Slated for 2012, moved to 2015 in 2008. Moved again in 2009 to 2017. And the budget is now $4,800,000,000 ($500,000,000 more than the last increase).
Fulton Street Transit Center: Was 90% over budget in October 2009.
Thank God we have MTA Capital Construction on the case!
War criminals.
Avatar is no longer the #1 movie in America (it’s now #2). With a $32,500,000 opening weekend, Dear John has that honor.
From Paris With Love is third. Edge of Darkness and The Tooth Fairy are fourth and fifth, (dis)respectfully. My country has no taste.
Did they tone down the Tim Tebow Focus on the Family commercial(s)?
Is that the same thing as apologizing, CBS?
The Post gets around to covering Sarah Palin’s “palm-prompter,” though there’s no condescension or animosity.
“It would be absurd to not consider what it is that I can potentially do to serve our country,” the idiot told some other idiots with regards to running for POTUS in 2012. If that sentiment is sincere, I recommend suicide, you betcha. But this is my favorite quote from Palin’s handy helper: “Asked if she knows more today about domestic and foreign affairs than she did two years ago, Palin said, ‘Well, I would hope so.’”
She is infuriatingly stupid.
God needs some target practice.
He blew up a power plant in Connecticut, but we all know he was aiming for Lieberman.
The cast of Jersey Shore is being paid $180,000 each for Season Two.
(yells at miniature American flag)
The director of Shadowboxer will forever be known as Academy Award Nominee Lee Daniels (for the astonishingly poorly directed Precious).
(continues yelling at miniature American flag)
The Stage Deli is naming sandwiches after Snooki and The Situation.
Why do I think that people who are willing to pay $25 for a sandwich probably don’t watch Jersey Shore?
Cindy Adams believes that Obama will put Biden on the Supreme Court and run in 2012 on an Obama/Clinton ticket.
I wish she would die already.
State Senator Ruben Diaz and Andrea Peyser are two people I loathe, but I can’t argue with their vitriol against the rubber rooms at the DOE.
Strange bedfellows and all that.
And speaking of Mandrea, her piece on rubber rooms is titled Bounce rubber flubbers and it rests atop a large photo of Gabourey Sidibe and Mo’Nique in Precious. The photo blongs to ONE OF H’WOOD’S ‘PRECIOUS’ FEW, but it’s a funny juxtaposition.
The ‘PRECIOUS’ piece offers this odd take: “You don’t normally see movies coming out of the leftist land that deftly skewer the unglamorous culture of welfare dependency. But while studio heads were sleeping, Tinseltown produced Precious.”
No, it didn’t. Lee Daniels did. In Philadelphia.
I dislike you so much, Mandrea.
The 19-year-old in Australia who auctioned off her virginity has accepted a bid of just over $32,000, which she called “way beyond what I dreamed.”
Does “dream” mean something different in Australian?
Dr. Paul Dobransky has seven dating tips for single folks.
#2: Pay attention to “submission signals” — like a head tilt or a relaxed jaw — to figure out whether people are attracted to you.
Um… what?
According to the “doctor,” a tilted head exposes the jugular vein. “She’s saying, ‘I’m exposing my most vulnerable area. I’m trusting you with my safety.’”
Also, what does an unrelaxed jaw look like?
The top three “NY Post hot topics” are 1. Scott Brown, 2. Rachel Uchitel and 3. Derek Jeter for some reason.
Fun fact: Two of the Nets collided during Saturday’s 46th loss of the season. Devin Harris got a mild left shoulder sprain (”Devin was sore”) and Jarvis Hayes got a left shin bruise (”he could barely walk”).
The Quest For Five Wins continues.
Parking for yesterday’s Super Bowl? $75.00.
But that came with flood insurance.
(Too soon?)
Jeanine Pirro has a TV show (Judge Pirro).
Rodney King is suing his ex-friend for not repaying a $4,500 loan. Naturally, he decided to do it on the TV.
He’ll be on tomorrow’s episode.
$20 says Pirro asks the plaintiff and defendant “can’t we all just get along.”
Double or nothing says the gallery doesn’t laugh very hard.
Time to cook. See you tomorrow morning.
(I told you I was stealing that, Alex)
Good afternoon, America. Are you ready for the biggest sporting event of the year (to date)? Are you excited to see the one team play the other team for the title of Best Team of 2010 (or is it 2009?)? I know that I could care less, but I don’t see how. Even the commercials (which I used to look forward to) are available on YouTube come morning (heck, some are already there).
True, I feel the same way about (most) World Series games that the Yankees aren’t a part of, but I’m often baffled by folks like my father, who could watch two high school teams play bocce and wind up yelling passionately at the screen. Your team (if you have one) is one thing, but how do I choose between Indianapolis and New Orleans? Does New Orleans even want my pity vote?
I can’t wait to read about the game tomorrow (actually, I can).
The Post’s EXCLUSIVE cover story (FLOOD GATE) tells the story of a charity (New Yorkers Organized to Assist Hurricane Families or NOAH-F) — set up by State Senate President Malcolm Smith and Rep. Gregory Meeks — that raised at least $31,000 in donations for families in New Orleans (it was established in response to the devastation of Katrina)… and actually passed on $1,392 to actual hurricane families (according to tax records).
There’s a photo of the charity’s website that features photos of Meeks and Smith along with “New Yorkers Organized to assist [sic] Huricane [sic] Families” and “Bringing Help to Hurricane Katrina Survivor [sic]“ (which might have been an intentional red flag, as I think only one survivor was assisted by them) in bold type.
What would make me actually respect the NY State Democratic Party is if they took all of the folks like Smith (their State Senate President) and Espada and Monserrate (and Rangel) and stripped them of (at the very least) their special titles (pending an investigation, naturally, especially since those seem to take years and years and years — just ask Raspy Rangel). How am I supposed to take the party seriously when their highest ranking members are criminals (some convicted!)?
In other Democratic news, Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand plans on proposing a budget amendment that would cut off funding for Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.
I propose a criminal investigation into the amount of money allocated for DADT (if it’s more than $25), as I can’t figure out why it costs money for people not to ask a question and/or people not to answer it.
My mother is a teacher. I’ve been lucky enough to have been taught by many wonderful teachers in my lifetime. I’m pro-teacher.
The Post hates the Teachers’ Union. Passionately. In some articles (especially recently), the “rubber room” has been brought up and I have to say that (if the recent accusations against Alan Rosenfeld and Francisco Olivares are true — this is the Post) I am in total agreement with their passionate disgust.
Rosenfeld was a teacher who got banned from the classroom for “allegedly making lewd comments to and leering at girls at IS 347″ and went to a rubber room (if you’re accused of misconduct, you literally go to these district offices and do nothing — while continuing to get paid). He continues to make his $100,049/year salary, but he uses his time in the rubber room to work on his law practice (!) and his real-estate investments, which are worth almost $8,000,000 (!!).
Olivares was a math teacher when he got a 16-year-old student pregnant (they met when she was 13) and then married her. The NYC Department of Education charged him with molesting two students (each 12 years old at the time) a decade later. Four years after that, he was charged with molesting another student. He hasn’t set foot in a classroom for seven years.
He continues to make $94,154/year as he chillaxes in a rubber room.
Look. If you were an inner-city teacher and a student fabricated molestation charges against you because you failed him (or something like that), having a place to continue to earn a living while the school (or, if necessary, the court) gets around to finding you innocent of the charges would be awesome. Rubber rooms have beneficial applications, sure.
But these stories make me really angry. And, if true, I feel about the United Federation of Teachers (which won’t let these “teachers” be fired unless an arbitrator approves it — and every time they’ve been brought to arbitration, they wind up back in a rubber room) the same way I feel about the Democrats in the State Senate.
Clean your own house, please.
Woman of the century features 111-year-old Jane Gilsenan, who is New York’s oldest resident. My first thought was that the giant photo of her (slumped in a wheelchair, arms folded, wounded puppy dog face) is depressing. She looks miserable! But surely I’m misreading her expression, right?
“I have [no secrets for longevity], and I wouldn’t give them away because I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. I can’t say I regret it, but I wouldn’t want to do this again.”
So that’s what Roger Daltrey m-m-m-m-m-meant.
Goodwin!
Today, he hates on Bloomberg, the United Nations and the state’s Legislature (in three separate yawners). Then he adds a teeny chunk in the lower right corner:
Honorable no-mention
“Did you notice — a whole page without my mentioning what’s-his-name? You know, the guy in the White House who is bankrupting the country and giving terrorists constitutional rights? That guy!“
Stairs.
Daniel Ignacio believes he deserves to be punished, b’also that he didn’t actually do anything.
“It must have been the Devil. It could not have been Jesus Christ.”
What about Daniel Ignacio? Might it have been him?
Roberta Feinsmith, 67, was fired from the Jewish Theological Seminary for (according to her) being too old (she’d been there for 12 years) and for complaining about her new supervisor’s “daily yelling and cursing fits” and “constant barrages of… flatulence.”
Which reminds me: Come see my new improv team, Constant Barrages of… Flatulence, at the Parkside Lounge next weekend! We have a new form called The Poot!
JWoww is getting (another) boob-job.
Thanks, Page Six (today on page 12)!
I guess MTV can just make out her Season Two paychecks to Dr. Stephen Greenberg, thus cutting out the middleguidette.
Cindy Adams is still not dead. To celebrate, today she complains about airports.
“And thanks to Obama you now have to schlep little four-ounce containers of everything.”
Really, Cindy? Obama did that?
Box.
A 21-year-old in Milwaukee though it’d be funny to put on a ski mask and pretend to be a burglar. You know, spook his mom a little.
His 37-year-old mother fell for it. And shot him with a .357 (he’s OK, except for the stupidity).
Hossenpheff Incorporated.
Have you seen Palin at the Tea Party Convention? I mean, the fact that she consistently makes fun of Obama for using a TelePrompter, but had to write “Energy” and “Budget Tax cuts” and “Lift American spirits” on her hand (for a Q & A sesssion! Not even for a speech! People asked her [obviously prepared] questions and she couldn’t memorize her answers or listen and respond like a (not retarded) human being would; she waited for their mouths to stop moving, looked at her hand and delivered a mini-monolgue) is hilarious in its hypocrisy. Just like her defense of Rush Limbaugh for calling a group of (not retarded) people “retards” while calling for Rahm Emanuel’s resignation because he called a bunch of (not retarded) people “fucking retards.”
But Churley Hurt doesn’t talk about those things. No no no. Today’s think piece (Sarah’s Tea talk sounds presidential) focuses instead on how smart she is (?) and how candidate-like her speech was (despite her quitting her gubernatorial gig last year for millions in book sales and Fox News contracts) and how “attractive” she is (yeech).
“All she had to do was show up, give her trademark wink and a powerful current of emotion would have passed from her to the crowd of conservatives gathered here. But in a 40-minute, remarkably detailed speech, Palin laid out what could only be described as the framework of a presidential-campaign platform. She ran through a host of specifics about recent failures of national-security and economic policies. And she wrapped it up in a heavy sheen of good political rhetoric.”
Want an example of her remarkably detailed platform framework?
“We need a commander-in-chief, not a professor of law.”
If you are a fan of Sarah Palin, you are a champion of stupidity — literally.
’specially you, Churley.
NYPD captains doctored statistics to make their precincts look less crime-ridden to CompStat?
What’s next? Hamsterdam?
Online, Kyle Smith’s latest work is titled Political correctness gone mad, but in the paper it’s titled A ‘retarded’ fight.
Isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think?
Smith explains why Sarah Palin was wrong to attack Emanuel for his use of the word “retarded.” But what he doesn’t mention is the fat drug addict whose name rhymes with Brush Limbaugh, or how every Republican (Palin included!) feels the need to kiss his ring at every opportunity.
Fair, balanced.
In today’s vague Harris poll (when was it conducted? who was asked the question? how many responded? where did it take place?), the question is Who is your favorite movie star?
1) Clint Eastwood, 2) Johnny Depp, 3) Denzel Washington, 4) Sandra Bullock, 5) Tom Hanks, 6) George Clooney, 7) John Wayne, 
Meryl Streep, 9) Morgan Freeman, 10) Julia Roberts.
This question has been asked every year for 15 years (possibly including 2009 or 2010, but I have no way of knowing) and John Wayne always makes the list.
(waves miniature American flag)
Nice 2-page article (Hey, I’m dyin oveh heah! Why the Noo Yawk accent is fading away) on how the classic NYC-speak (think Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver) is disappearing. I remember when I moved to Chicago and told people I was from New York, they always asked me where my accent was.
By my second year there, I stopped responding by stabbing them.
Mmmmmmmm, that’s good editing!
Fool’s gold offers some tips from William Poundstone’s new book, Priceless: The Myth of Fair Value (and How to Take Advantage of It), including: “Shoppers moving clockwise through a supermarket spend about $2 more per trip than those moving clockwise.”
Lori Gottlieb has a new book out called Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. I thought, “Boy, her husband must be thrilled.”
Fun fact: Lori Gottlieb has never married and currently isn’t seeing anyone. But she does have at least one child.
And thus concludes my case for not buying her book.
Kyle Smith describes Benicio Del Toro’s titular character in The Wolfman as “Monchichi on a meth binge,” which perfectly showcases how he’d rather say something wittily snarky than offer legitimate criticism (the makeup in the movie is rock solid and people on meth binges have missing teeth and acne).
(gets back into glass house)
V.A. Musetto’s Pretty ugly focuses (primarily) on the South Korean film, Beautiful. It begins, “She’s too sexy for her own good. Eun-yeong, the focus of Beautiful (2008), is an attractive woman in South Korea who keeps getting hit on by guys. Perhaps it is the way her short skirts accentuate her long legs.”
You can practically hear him masturbating as he wrote this.
Bonus points: There is at least one rape scene, according to IMDB.
ASK ASHLEY!
With Valentine’s Day coming, what would be the appropriate gift for a lady you had interest in many years ago and have now reconnected with on the Internet? It’s early in the communication phase — just e-mails, phone calls and discussion of a visit. What gift won’t turn her off? — Jerry B., 58, Boston
ASHLEY: “What girl doesn’t love flowers on Valentine’s Day? You don’t necessarily have to be dating to send flowers. A friend of mine who I’ve known for a very long time always sends me this big beautiful flower arrangement just to let me know he’s thinking of me.”
ME: “A picture of your testicles with googly-eyes taped to them. Or a Yankees hat.”
I had a stroke at the age of 9 and lost the ability to walk and talk. Although I was told I’d never regain either, I was walking within a month. Talking on the other hand, didn’t happen. Knowing this, do you think it’s possible for me to find a good woman regardless of my limitations? I’ve had several girlfriends, but none for more than five months. — Dave K., 35
ASHLEY: “The best dating advice that I can give you is to be yourself. Sure, you have limitations, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have charm, wit and all of your body parts and senses. That said, because of your limitations, you have to work hard to perfect these other qualities. Be fantastic in bed, and charming with the pen… Because of my past, I also find it challenging to meet and trust new guys. But I know I’m going to end up with a husband who loves me exactly as I am and thinks that all of my imperfections make me perfect.”
ME: “‘Be fantastic in bed and charming with the pen’ is great advice. Might I add ‘cure cancer, emit super-aphrodisiac pheromones and be tall’ to the list? Also, you’ll find a woman who loves you despite your difficulties waaaay sooner than Ashley Dupre’ll find a man who thinks her whore past makes her ‘perfect.’”
How do I deal with a guy who’s addicted to sex? He goes online for cybersex and has asked me to join him for threesomes and swinging parties. I don’t know what to say to him. — Lisa, 29, Midtown
ASHLEY: “You never know until you try.”
ME: “That’s a great question, Lisa. It reminds me of this store I walk by almost every day. They sell children’s shoes. I don’t have any children, so I don’t really need the shoes, but I see all of these people buying them and I just don’t know how to deal with it. I mean, how do I deal with a store that sells children’s shoes? It’s so baffling. Maybe I could sleep with your ‘guy’ and you could buy some children’s shoes?”
Where’s Warren Sapp? It’s Superb Owl Day!
Oh. He got arrested for domestic battery. Never mind.
The Quest For Five Wins continues into Tuesday when the Nets face Cleveland. They lost last night to Detroit. They are now 1-26 on the road (they’ve lost their last 14 road games).
They are now 4-46 (8.0%).
Key-ripes.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend, kids!
This will be a severely truncated double-header (I have what passes for a life and plenty of other things to accomplish, but a deal’s a deal).
YESTERDAY
AEG, the folks that “Governor” Paterson decided should get the contract for those 450 “video slots terminals” at Aqueduct, was “initially deemed ‘not qualified’ by the state” (more specifically, the Lottery Division).
I wonder how the eight people who looked forward to voting for him feel about this.
State Senator Jeff Klein (D- Bronx) has proposed a bill that would make it illegal (a class-A misdemeanor) to carry a firearm while drunk. “Two exemptions: people in their own homes and law-enforcement officials who’d face departmental charges.”
Does that mean what I think it means? That a cop won’t be charged with this because it might result in departmental charges? Or does it mean that the cop will face departmental charges and therefore doesn’t need to also face criminal charges?
If this was a better (or less awful) paper, I might have my answer.
In 2006, 28% of “Internet-using teens” kept an online blog.
In 2009, only 14% did.
I am a dying breed (and 16.5 years too old to take part in this survey).
Questlove (also known as ?uestlove) of The Roots posted a photo on Twitter of the “In Honor of Black History Month” cafeteria menu at the NBC Commissary (fried chicken, collard greens, black-eyed peas, jalapeño cornbread, etc.) and the world cried racism.
Turns out the woman who suggested it (Leslie Calhoun, who had been fighting for the menu for years) is an African-American chef who said of the subsequent hullabaloo, “I don’t understand it at all. It’s what I eat.” She also claims that on the day of the Twitter-photo-posting, Questlove “requested the neck bone [cooked in] the black-eyed peas and fried chicken, then got off the line, saying, ‘This is racist.’”
Was it racist? No. In seemingly poor taste, possibly, but not racist. Case closed.
270,000 Priuses have been sold around the world. 37,000 were sold in the U.S.
And all of them are about to get recalled.
Faulty brakes, don’tchaknow.
So glad I don’t own stock in Toyota.
Churley Hurt offers Rebels with a cause, which deftly portrays the first National Tea Party Convention as something to be taken seriously.
Oh, Churley. Whycome you didn’t mention how much it costs to attend the convention? You know, the convention for “real Americans” who are tired of Big Gubmint spending all of their hard-earned money on frivolous bullshit?
$349.00 (plus a $9.71 fee) will get you into the Banquet (featuring America’s dumbest keynote speaker, Sarah Palin!) OR the Convention (featuring 100% less Sarah Palin than the Banquet!). If you want to do both, that’s $549.00 (plus a $9.95 fee).
And great news, stupid people! Even though the convention is over in 10 hours, you can still buy a ticket! Although, sadly, they’ve sold out of the tickets that didn’t include admission to the Banquet that took place on Thursday. So, if you want to attend, you have to buy the mega-ticket, which will cost you $558.95.
Have fun, real Americans!
E-Police Commissioner Howard Safir hit a pregnant woman with his SUV last month and drove away, but won’t face any charges. Thank God. That poor man.
His side of the story? He hit her while backing into a parking spot. When he spoke to police (long after he had driven away), he claimed he didn’t know he had hit anyone.
That’s a pretty foolproof story, folks. The system works!
Simon Cowell’s replacement? Could be Howard Stern.
Ted Turner, while in NYC to accept an award: “They say that New York is going to get blown up in the next five years, so I am planning to leave here for my place in New Mexico tonight right after accepting this award.”
If TNT hadn’t rescued Southland, you’d be on the list, you former Fonda-fondler.
Those guys (two brothers and five of their cousins) that got severely beaten up by off-duty firefighters have a great case (some ex-firefighters that were working at the bar where it happened have come forward to incrimate the smoke-eating antagonists). Sadly, they also have one of New York’s scummiest attorneys: Joseph “Taco Penis” Tacopina (you may remeber him from such defendants as Hiram “Ladydragger” Monserrate and the ghost of Adolf Eichmann).
Taco Penis had this to say: “How ironic is it that they got pummeled by a bunch of firefighters acting like a pack of rabid dogs? It was feeding frenzy. I’ve seen the video, and it’s disgusting.”
1) It isn’t ironic at all.
2) It also wasn’t feeding frenzy. It was a feeding frenzy. But without the feeding.
3) I haven’t seen the video, but you’re disgusting.
Double the autopsy results, double the fun.
1) Brittany Murphy, 32, died from pneumonia, anemia, lack of medical care and drug intoxication. Ruling: Accidental.
Insult to injury: She had made a doctor’s appointment for a few days after she died.
2) Casey Johnson, 30, died from diabetic shock. Ruling: Natural.
I was certain she died of Tila TequilAIDS.
Wait a minute… don’t celebrity toxicology reports always come in threes?
Cindy Adams chats with Valerie Harper about her role in Looped, a one-woman show about the life of Tallulah Bankhead. Cindy refers to Tallulah as “the ’50s and ’60s way way way over-the-top movies legend who’d do underwearless cartwheels in a skirt or hit a party stark naked.” That sounded weird to me (that she was big in the ’50s and ’60s), so I checked Wikipedia.
Sure enough, she began her career in the ’20s and starred in films (on and off) up through the ’50s (“her career slowed in the mid-’50s”). I also found this nice phrase: “[Tallulah] was a party favorite for outlandish stunts such as underwearless cartwheels in a skirt or entering a soirée stark naked.” (citation needed)
Cindy Adams is plagiarizing Wikipedia?!? Who knew she could operate a computer?
Box.
Deborah Scroggins is suing Renee and Valerie Scroggins (her sisters) for royalties she claims she’s owed from their old group “ESG (Emerald, Saffire and Gold).”
A search online only shows me a group called ESG (Emerald Sapphire and Gold). Does the Post seriously not know how to spell Sapphire?
Celebrity Super Bowl Predictions:
Christopher Knight (Peter Brady on The Brady Bunch): “New Orleans by 1. The voodoo being brewed in the bayou will be too much for Peyton. That and Reggie Bush being well schooled by Kim [Kardashian] on going wide to get outta the room!”
Penn & Teller: “Indianapolis, 35-31.” (*which is exactly what I predicted 3 days ago, though I failed to identify the winner, which I agree will be Indy)
Maya Angelou: “Indianapolis, 28-16. Sadly, I must inform the New Orleans Saints that I will not be in that number. I plan to be with the other team when the Colts go marching in.”
Yes, the Post asked Maya Angelou for a Super Bowl prediction.
A Chinese woman whose boyfriend of 18 months dumped her is getting plastic surgery in the hopes of winning him back.
He had built shrines (that’s plural, kids) to “actress” Jessica Alba, so that’s who his ex-girlfriend is telling surgeons she wants to look like.
However did these people wind up owning our country?
Citigroup stock goes down for the first time in many days. It dropped $0.19/share to $3.18.
MOVIE REVIEWS
Lou Lumenick gives Dear John one star (“Nothing to write home about,” “‘Dear’ & loathing” and “Put in dead letter file”), Falling Awake gets one star (“Falling Asleep might be a more appropriate title”) and Frozen gets one and a half stars (“Icy premise slaloms into silliness”).
V.A. Musetto gives the Red Riding Trilogy two stars (“I suggest you watch it at home, so you will be closer to the toilet when the killer gives cops the sickening details of one particular murder.”), probably due to the film’s lack of naked Asians.
Kyle Smith gives two and a half stars to District 13: Ultimatum (“The best Parisian action movie of the week”), another two and a half stars to Eyes Wide Open (“A sort of Brokeback Menachem“) and one single star to From Paris With Love (“Asked how many more E-Z Slay villains he expects to present themselves for moving down, Travolta says, ‘My sense? About a billion.’”).
Hmmm… that quote sounds familiar… though different… did I see it in the New York Press? Nope, Armond White said that the two male leads “bond over chess and guns, strategy and violence—a more informed quintessence of war than The Hurt Locker“ and called the movie “politically aware filmmaking—without the sanctimoniousness of Syriana, United 93 or The Messenger.” So it must have been the Village Voice… ah. Here it is, in a review by Nick Pinkerton: “(Blazing through a Chinese drug den: ‘How many more of them you think there are?’ ‘Last census? About a billion.’)”
Gee, Kyle. Way to remove the context of the (admittedly weak) joke and also change the words and then use it as an example of a bad joke. It’s like you’re talking politics!
Jim Thome is now a Minnesota Twin.
I almost never read Peter Vecsey’s column (HOOP DU JOUR), as I don’t care about basketball. But he was talking about Arenas and Crittenton, so I perused it. I found this little gem: “Hell, President TelePrompter ad libs more.”
Well played, guy who looks like Bob Odenkirk in a fake beard and whose column I’ll never read again!
Page 76? A photograph of… the Post cover featuring Rex Ryan flipping the bird.
It’s like when they kept running the photo of the woman whose face was chimp-mauled, but criticized Oprah for putting it on TV.
In Ryan’s defense, though, a Fox News employee claims that the guy Ryan flipped off had yelled at Ryan on three separate occasions and also spit on Ryan just before the bird-flip.
Even so, STOP PUBLISHING THE PHOTOGRAPH.
Fun fact: One of the four finalists on The Bachelor used to date former Yankee Carl “The Great Pavumpkin” Pavano.
Pamela Anderson has signed on to the next season of Dancing With the Stars. She will be dancing with Hepatitis C.
Linda Stasi gives Temple Grandin three and a half stars.
I, on the other hand, saw the trailer and thought it was part of the opening of Tropic Thunder.
TODAY
Mayor Bloomberg gives St. Vincent’s Hospital less than six (6) months before they have to close.
They are $700,000,000 in debt and are losing between $5,000,000 and $10,000,000 a month.
Who needs health-care reform?
Gabourey Sidibe (precious as Precious in Precious) has a mother (Alice Tan Ripley) who sings in NYC subway stations (Union Square, 34th & 6th, and 42nd & 8th). She tells the Post, “People always say, ‘Why don’t you sing in clubs?’ I tell ‘em, ‘This is my club.’”
Translation: I prefer to beg for money.
“My voice is so big that it’s blown out my amp.”
Translation: Next time you see me, please give me some extra money. I’m hella-poor.
“Four years ago, they askd me to play the part of the mother [in Precious]. But being a mom and teacher, I just couldn’t play that part. It was just too hard.”
Translation: Why the fuck didn’t I take that part!?!?
Is Senate Democratic leader John Sampson going to cancel the vote on whether or not to expel Hiram Monserrate? Is he seriously going to impose sanctions on the ladydragger and nothing else?
But wait! It gets even more disgusting!
“Senate Majority Leader Pedro Espada Jr. (D-Bronx) — a Monserrate ally — plans to unveil a bill Monday that would automatically expel lawmakers convicted of such crimes in the future — but spare Monserrate.”
For the first time in a long time, I’m on the side of the Republicans who promise to make a stink if the Monserrate vote is cancelled.
Another day, another fellating of Tea Party Nation by Churley Hurt (New flavor of ‘Tea’). Still no mention of how expensive/poorly planned/for-profit the convention is/was, but we do learn that the organizers of the convention are starting their own political party that will stand up to the actual Democrats and pretend Republicans and fake Amurcans and real turrurists.
“Called the Ensuring Liberty PAC, the new operation will be aimed at whittling away at the Democratic majorities in Congress in the 2010 House and Senate races.”
Thus ensuring liberty.
(waves miniature Amurcan flag)
O on health: Failure is option is the headline.
Here’s what he actually said: “And it may be that… if Congress decides not to do [health-care reform]… then the American people can make a judgment as to whether this Congress has done the right thing for them or not. And that’s how democracy works.”
I find the Post’s interpretation of that statement to be mildly partisan. And missing the point almost entirely.
In case you somehow managed to stop throwing up, Rielle Hunter was visibly pregnant in the alleged 2006 John Edwards sex tape.
Q: How can Kirsten Gillibrand guarantee a loss at the polls?
A: Start with a joint appearance at the Harvard Club next month — with Van Jones.
Who the fuck is her campaign manager? Harold Ford Jr.?
Q: Who is last Wednesday’s dumbest criminal ever?
A: Chris Crego, 39.
He decided not to show up to his sentencing last year (he pleaded guilty to assault) and has been on the lam ever since. He was busted on Wednesday. How’d the cops catch him? He posted the name of the tattoo parlor he was working at on MySpace and Facebook.
Lockport police posted a thank you on Crego’s Facebook wall.
“It was due to your diligence in keeping us informed that now you are under arrest.”
Point: Lockport.
The Post criticizes Toyota Motor Corp. President Akio Toyoda for his bow of apology yesterday at a press conference. They say it was only a 40° bow, which (on the handy chart the Post provides) falls between “Sorry, we’re out of tuna” (25º) and “I just backed over your dog, boss” (45º).
B’also? Bowing makes you look weak. And terrorists eat that shit up with a spoon, yo.
Dominic Carter was released this week after serving 19 days of his 30-day sentence (he got time off for “good behavior”). And today we learn (through New York magazine, whose Matt Damon article Carter was ordered to read) that 13 years ago, he was arrested and charged for “hitting, choking and threatening his wife” — and “growled” at the arresting officers, “I am not your boy!”
His wife, Marilyn, believes their marriage is over (he isn’t allowed to see her for two years) and she’s fine with that – “I got tired of being his mother.”
Which means, if you read his autobiography, that his wife was physically and sexually abusing him.
Pakistan sent their ambassador to Saudi Arabia. Saudi Arabia refused him an audience. Why? Because his name is Akbar Zib which, in Arabic, means “biggest penis.”
The woman of Saudi Arabia have already started a petition to have him move there.
The Nets’ Quest For Five Wins continues.
Last night they lost to Boston, lowering their win percentage to 8.2% (4-45). Will they reach Five Wins after their 50th game? Stay tuned!
Joe Simpson, creepy manager (and even creepier father) of Jessica and Ashlee Simpson, will produce a comedy series for Nickelodeon “loosely based” on his experience as “a psychologist raising two daughters in Texas.”
Oh, Why Is It Considered Wrong To Want To Sleep With Your Daughters? should start production in the near future.
In other Why Would Anyone Want To Watch That? news, Kirstie Alley will headline a new A & E reality show about raising her two kids as two single moms in Hollywood (wait… there’s only one of her? Yikes.). Kirstie Alley’s Big Life debuts in March.
Please don’t watch it.
That’ll do it. See you tomorrow.
The Wolfman was written by Andrew Kevin Walker (Se7en) and David Self (Road to Perdition), which made me think it would be novel or, at the very least, interesting. Sadly, I was wrong.
Other than Rick Baker’s effects (which are even more impressive than his American Werewolf in London effects — the reason there’s a Makeup Oscar) and Anthony Hopkins’ and Hugo Weaving’s reveling in making something out of very little, it’s a long and dark movie with a bunch of BOO! moments, most of which turn out to be all in someone’s head (or are they…?).
And Benicio Del Toro looks like Mr. Hyde (when he isn’t lycan’ out). And Emily Blunt’s job is to quiver her lip (which she totes does).
C+/B-
Is it possible I disliked the movie because I am getting incredibly sick (I coughed up a pound of phlegm this morning — I weighed it and everything)? Maybe. Is my illness why I’m taking a nap now and putting off writing about the Post until tonight/tomorrow? Yes.
Do I still love you all? Mos def.
Have a great weekend!
Sorry for the delay (expect another one tomorrow — I’m attending an advance screening of The Wolfman in the early morning and won’t get to write until the late afternoon). Much to discuss.
Mystery woman turns heads on the L.I.E. is one of the giant headlines today, superimposed on a photo of what appears to be a mannequin. YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHO insists the sub-head. And a quick flip to page 3 reveals… it’s a mannequin.
Wrong again, Post.
Kathleen Frascinella put a mannequin in her passenger seat (not a euphemism) to drive in the carpool lane, but an eagle-eyed sheriff’s officer noticed it was wearing sunglasses… on an overcast day!
Frascinella was given a $135.00 ticket. Front. Page. News.
The other front-page story is the stink being raised over “Governor” Paterson’s recent awarding of the video lottery casino at Aquedauct to the company of a friend of his — despite his buddy’s bid being $100,000,000 lower than a competitor.
Now that’s good ethics reform! Good luck luck against Cuomo, Magoo!
B’also? Last month, Paterson said next year’s budget gap was projected at $7,400,000,000.
Looks like a January shortfall might make that $8,150,000,000.
Possibly even $8,400,000,000.
Oopsie-doodle.
On the plus side, I know where the city could get $100,000,000 really easily.
And 20% of New Yorkers will be on Medicaid by March.
And that’s before Kommisar Obama socializes your grandma at the death panels.
Stunning signs of brain activity in the ‘vegetative’ is great news for relatives of fans of Two and a Half Men.
When I say that the MTA are war criminals, you probably think I’m kidding. But you’re probably wrong.
On the heels of multiple reports that the MTA half-asses their numerous projects, gives them — at absurdly high prices — to morons and then rehires the morons to do more work that they’ve already proven they’re incapable of doing (I haven’t the time, patience or stomach to repeat them all here), comes the newws that there might be MORE service cuts and HIGHER fare hikes in 2011. Why?
“‘As far as a fare increase, the amount of money we expected from certain revenues are not coming into effect. And the conditions upon which we agreed to keep the fare hike at 7.5 percent could be impacted,’ one board member said.
‘When we agreed to the bailout, we agreed to certain revenues,’ the board member added. ‘Forget that they’re not coming in 2010 — those revenues also aren’t coming in 2011.’”
“Revenues… revenues… revenues… enthusiasms…” he continued. “A construction worker sits alone in a break room… this is the time for what? For individual sloth. There he sits alone… being paid to literally do nothing… but in the transit system, what? Part. Of. A. Team of sloths. Farts, scratches himself, burps, insults minorities, signs up for overtime — part of one big team. Naps himself the live-long day then goes home and beats his wife… Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb and so on. If his team does work, what is he? You follow me? Someone! Someone doing something! Fuck that noise; he’s union.”
Another board member said, ‘Albany did not deliver on what they thought they were delivering. That whole contract of no service cuts and 7.5 percent fare increases, it’s unfair to say the MTA should continue meeting that.’”
Such victims they are.
Storm’s a-comin’.
Starting Friday night and going into Saturday afternoon, New York and New Jersey are going to get a blizzard (and not the Dairy Queen kind). “Potentially paralyzing” is how AccuWeather characterizes the impending snowfall.
That means me and the Mrs. will make a snowman in the park on Saturday. Sweet!
He says he did it because demons told him to, but nighbors say that Daniel Ignacio set that fire because the Chan family always left their stroller in the hallway. That’s what he set fire to (he was allegedly too drunk [and/or possessed by {or under the guidance of} demons] to realize the fire would spread).
The mother died and her 2-month-old daughter (who the carriage was for) now has a fractured skull.
Let’s not send him back this time. Let’s drop him in a well here in the good ol’ U.S. of A.
J.Lo and her husband, Emaciated Hispanic Frankenstein Marc Anthony used to own a German shepherd. It bit three people and they got rid of it in 2007. He was sent to a “K9 training facility” and ended up with The West Wing’s NiCole (not a typo) Robinson. The dog just bit someone else.
The dog’s name? Floyd Von Meierhof.
Only 8% of online teenagers use Twitter.
(wipes proud tear from eye)
Did John Edwards beat Elizabeth Edwards?
“‘When [John] made the decision to hit me, it was over,’ a friend said Elizabeth told her.”
Some friend. B’also, which one am I supposed to hate more now?
Oh, What A Feeling To Drive… Toyota!
Mandrea!
She hates on the teachers union (The state of this union is rotten) and Janet Napolitano (She said the t-word! Sanity hits Planet Janet), but the bulk of her page is devoted to an legitimately amusing story about Target (Where Israel did get wiped off map).
Devrian Global Industries of New Jersey (*snicker*) imports “tens of thousands” of globes from China and one miniature model in particular was for sale exclusively at Target stores (they have 1,744 stores in every state but Vermont). The globe sold thousands of units before someone noticed that the spot that should say “Israel” instead says “Palestine.”
I think I know how this happened. Pay attention to this gentleman’s name:
“‘Obviously, it was a mistake. We obviously offended some people. Now we’re pulling them off the shelves,’ said chief merchandising officer Larry Fine.”
I love it when stories provide their own punchlines.
A source close to A-Rod says he broke up with Kate Hudson because she was “too clingy.”
And not, as was previously assumed, because she didn’t look enough like this:
Jerry Lewis and Richard Belzer were seen having lunch together. I imagine the conversation went something like this:
“Oh, Richie BAY-by, you have to try this kasha.”
“Yeah. Great, Jerry.”
“Did I ever tell you about the time Dean and I went to Tiajuana?”
“Llllllemme think. Yyyyyyyeah. Yeah. You did. A lot.”
“I’m so lonely, Richard.”
“Yeah. Great.”
“She hates when I’m messy when it has to do with her nice stuff. Like, I can’t throw my jacket on the Marilyn Monroe piano — but I do.”
That’s Nick Cannon assuring me that my lack of faith in his marriage to Mariah Carey is wholly justified.
Elton John paid $2,100 at Barney’s for a single pair of shoes? That is so gay.
Rip Torn on writing his autobiography (according to Cindy Adams): “I was born Feb. 6, but in my memoir, which I’m now writing in longhand, I’m claiming Feb.8 because that’s Jimmy Dean Day.”
Someone is laying the groundwork for an insanity defense (and someone else needs to get in the box).
Fun fact: Rip Torn and Sissy Spacek are cousins!
The baton (or “asp” as it is unfortunately known in po-po circles) that was allegedly inserted into Michael Mineo during an arrest has been found to have traces of three men’s DNA on it — and Mineo might not be one of them.
The DNA could be other cops’ sweat, skin, saliva…
… or it could be the blood of three other people who had the misfortune to be arrested by a sexual deviant.
A federal appeals court has ruled that New York City is allowed to limit the number of billboards in its parks and on its roadways.
Which is bad news for 
Two full pages on the ‘Bling Ring’ (STAR SNATCHER’S WILD LOOT TALES) and Alexis Neiers in particular (plus a nice sidebar on newly-revealed celebrity hoarder, Lindsay Lohan [Lindsay's heaps of 'garb'-age]!). The caption for the photo of Alexis, her mother and her sister contains three phrases that hurt my soul.
“{Alexis Neiers, at right with sis Gabrielle and mom Andrea in a Vanity Fair shoot}, {is making a reality show} and {sees herself as “Angelina Jolie, but even stronger.”}
Say hello to my two buddies, Cut and Paste!
“She told the magazine that she sees herself “being like an Angelina Jolie, but even stronger, pushing even harder for the universe and for peace and for the health of our planet. God didn’t give me these talents and looks to just sit around being a model or being famous. I want to lead a huge charity organization, I want to lead a country, for all I know.”
[JEDITOR'S NOTE: That bears repeating: "I want to lead a huge charity organization, I want to lead a country, for all I know."]
“She has become the subject of an upcoming E! reality show about the party life she lived with her childhood pal, Playboy model Tess Taylor. A camera crew filmed her arraignment and a makeup artist was even seen working on her as she waited to go before a judge. Neiers admitted to Vanity Fair that she was with Prugo, Lee and others, including Tamayo, when they went they broke into Bloom’s home and stole some $500,000 in valuables, but claimed she wanted out.
‘What are you doing?’ she said she yelled when she saw the theft. ‘Get me the fuck out of here!’
Prugo told Good Morning America about the crime wave: ‘Now that I look back, I realize how serious it was. Looking back, it scares me to death.’”
If only.
A frightened dog wound up on the autobahn in Germany. So the police ran it over (rather than close the highway to traffic). Then they sent the owner a $400 bill for the damages to the police car that killed his dog.
Which can only mean that Germany and China are up to something… mark my words…
Regurgitant Members’ (sorry, Ralph Peters‘) Terrorizing Terrorists applauds the One thing Obama’s doing right.
“As the administration fiddles and fumbles with its soft-on-terror policies at home, one Obama-blessed campaign abroad is hitting al Qaeda and its franchises hard: the drone war.”
“Obama-blessed” is a nice nod to the meme that Democrats think he’s the second coming of Jesus, thus ensuring that even a complimentary article will be slathered in insulting condescension. Case in point (again): “Yeah, we may (theorectically) lose some intelligence by not waiting years for an uncertain opportunity to capture these terrorist kingpins . . . but there’s no Gitmo issue or any warm bodies for Attorney General Eric Holder to hug. And no dead terrorist has ever blown up an airplane.”
Oh, for fuck’s sake.
Rex Ryan giving the finger? That’s back (though, thankfully, on the back cover and not the front). What could be even more off-putting than that? How about a front-page headline like Jets finger Ryan for $50,000?
I understand — the Jets fined Ryan $50,000 for flipping the bird. Fine. But you could turn his middle finger into the vertical line in a dollar sign so easily… and did you really have to put the image of a football team digitally inserting themselves into an obese man in my head?
Such. An awful. Newspaper.
“Gov. Paterson has postponed the official launch of his election campaign for at least two weeks because of a lack of support from Democratic officials and disorganization in his campaign, the Post learned yesterday.”
Talk about being blind…
Jenny Sanford, cuckolded wife of South Carolina (boooo!) Gov. Mark Sanford, claims that the promise to be “faithful” was removed from their wedding vows by her horny ex.
“It bothered me to some extent but … we were very young, we were in love. I questioned it, but I got past it… along with other doubts I had.”
Talk about being blind…
Michael Riedel on page 3 (Torn asunder by his drinking)? Whycome?
“My father is a brilliant man, but so much has been wasted. He’s pissed away so much — so much of his time and so much of his talent.”
That’s Angelica Torn talking about her father, Rip. It’s heartbreaking.
I can still hear Riedel jumping up and down and clapping as he wrote this article.
The first sentence of Charges today on Jacko doc:
“Michael Jackson’s doctor will be allowed to quietly surrender today on a charge of manslaughter — disappointing relatives of the King of Pop, who wanted a public spectacle so his kids could see the alleged pill-pusher in handcuffs, sources said.”
Yeah… those kids need more public spectacle in their lives.
Talk about being blind…
That fire in Bensonhurst the other day? Turns out one of the “heroes” of the ordeal was also the guy who started the fire. Daniel Ignacio, 27, served 10 months in prison after being caught committing a burglary in Brooklyn in January of 2002. Then he was deported back to his native Guatemala.
He re-entered the U.S. (illegally!) roughly a year ago. He moved into a boarding house on 86th Sreet two months ago. And according to the cops who took his confession, last Saturday he got drunk and set fire to the building — then went upstairs and went to sleep. Five people died, including the mother of the 2-year-old he helped “rescue.”
“I’m not a monster! I have compassion!” Ignacio shouted (in Spanish!) to reporters yesterday.
Tell that to the five people you killed, majadero.
(this will become the new talking point for the folks who hate immigrants, ’specially the illegal ones)
The premier of Newfoundland and Labrador (Danny Williams) is coming to the U.S. (legally!) to get heart surgery that isn’t available in his native land (Heart of the issue). And how does this article begin?
“Canada’s health-care system is as beloved by the American left as Birkenstocks and Barbra Streisand, but one of the country’s leading politicians was forced to come to the United States for heart surgery.”
For the record: I have never owned a pair of Birkenstocks and I dislike Babs intensely.
(this will become the new talking point for the folks who hate health-care reform, ’specially the ones being funded by the insurance companies)
What about leather Africa medallions and dial-up internet connections?
Cosmopolitan magazine (the arbiters of… something, I’m sure) has declared “The thong is dead.”
(sarcastic expression of surprise)
They go on to say that sales are now “lower than the hipster jeans that were designed to expose them.”
Next month, they’ll tackle the Commodore 64.
A doctor has testified that Michael Mineo’s “anal tear” could be self-inflicted but it would be “highly unlikely.”
Sounds like someone’s about to get a big chunk of my taxes! Try not to sodomize anyone else this week, NYPD!
Empire magazine (a truly wonderful monthly publication from England that Americans can get at Barnes & Noble for a truly ridiculous price [$10? $12? $15?]) has named the Worst Movie Ever.
Not Shadowboxer! Not Vanilla Sky! Not It’s Pat!
Winner (Loser?): Batman and Robin.
Ironically, Teresa and I watched the movie Heckler the other night (despite Jamie Kennedy’s involvement, it’s great fun) and Joel Schumacher pops up to say that people shouldn’t have expected anything good from Batman and Robin because “It’s a comic book movie! What did they expect?”
Less nipples for one thing, you old fruit.
I love how Verizon has been taking out all of these full-page ads over the last month — but not a single one mentions the Droid. Those are selling (out, in some cases) just fine. But they can’t give away BlackBerries.
Ilovemyphoooooooooone.
Goodwin!
Only three items today (four if you include Bad for the Jews, good for a laugh, which I don’t). Harold hit ‘no trial here’ buzzer first pats the lying carpetbagger (Harold Ford Jr.) on the back for saying he didn’t think the 9/11 trial should be held in NYC — before Kirsten Gillibrand did. Fascinating.
Gov bleeds money ridicules Paterson for giving St. Vincent’s an interest-free $6,000,000 loan — so they could pay their staff, who are perilously close to losing their jobs entirely. Brilliant.
Bibi, not Bam has Iran plan (the bulk of today’s page) begins, “Here’s the nightmare scenario.” Which is that Israel finds out that Iran has nuclear weapons and they tell Obama that they have no choice but to launch a nuclear strike on Iran. Personally, my nightmare scenario is finding out that Iran is launching a nuclear strike on Windsor Terrace, but that’s just me.
The CIA has decreed that “the United States can expect a terror attack within its borders in three to six months.”
So be on the lookout for people with hasty surgical wounds and syringes.
John McCain (McGrumpyGrampy! How you been?) co-sponsored (along with six other Republicans) a bill to establish a bipartisan commission on the debt. Then they voted against it.
“It’s one thing to have an honest difference of opinion on something. But you can’t walk away from the responsibilities facing the country because you don’t think it’s good short-term politics. This law failed by seven votes, when seven Republicans who had co-sponsored the bill . . . suddenly walked away from their own proposal after I endorsed it,” Obama said. “What happened?”
Well, Barack, it’s like this. Daily Kos polled “self-identified Republicans” (not Tea Partiers, not Birthers, not undecideds) and found that 39% favor your impeachment. 36% don’t believe you were born here (another 22% isn’t sure). 63% think you’re a socialist. 21% are certain ACORN stole the election for you. And, though it doesn’t directly affect you, I’d also like to point out that 8% are OK with gay people teaching children, while 73% are against it (the other 19%, I presume, are edu-curious).
Stop tring to play nice. Stop trusting these scumbags. Start doing what you promised you would FOR the people who elected you.
Maybe I’m jaded, maybe I’m old (maybe I’m both), but the line-up for the updated “We Are The World” record (for Haiti) is, um, lackluster. Katharine McPhee? Harry Connick Jr.? Jamie Foxx? Sean Garrett? Toni Braxton? And Barbra Streisand (who Page Six — today on page 14 — reports needed 80 takes before Quincy Jones approved her “there’s a choice we’re making” line)?
I want to help Haiti… can I just pay for the record but not get/hear one?
“We’ve just run out of things to talk about. We have Kaballah, but that’s about it.”
That’s Madonna (according to Hollyscoop.com) on why she was dumped by Jesus Luz (who is 28 years younger than the 51-year-old order of ropa vieja).
I guess everyone in the world was right — it wouldn’t last!
Tangent!
Last night I went to my dentist and it was one of the best medical experiences of my life. Eveyone was super-nice and after my cleaning I watched Groundhog Day in a massage chair. I have to go back in a week for a permanent filling (I have a temp in for now), but I couldn’t be happier with just about every aspect of my visit.
Which is why I’m not naming them (it’s hard enough getting an appointment already!).
Next week, the state Senate will decide the fate of Hiram Monserrate.
Then they will decide whether or not the thong is dead.
Fun fact: 80% of the world’s bestiality porn comes from the Netherlands.
Funner fact: The Netherlands just outlawed sex between humans and animals.
Next week, they’ll decide whether on not it’s OK to whip your slaves.
(and if the thong is dead)
Stop the presses!
According to Hangover for hi-priced booze biz, expensive alcohol is not being purchased as much as it was before this recession!
And cheap booze is selling more than it used to!
And the thong! Is dead!
And, on page 28, we see a nice 9-paragraph piece (maybe 18% of the page) on Mike Mullen’s impassioned plea to overturn Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.
I had to read about bestiality porn first (on the previous page, too… coincidence?).
According to a new report, “shoddy contractors who botch MTA projects worth millions of dollars repeatedly get good grades — and sometimes score new jobs as a result.”
War. Criminals.
Jonah Goldberg’s O IS AN IDEALOGUE is reprehensible.
Eric McGarvey writes in to chastise the Post for running the Rex Ryan’s middle finger photo on their front page (don’t look at the back of today’s paper, Eric!).
“To run a huge photo of a coach flipping someone off is insane.”
Thank you, fellow Post-sufferer.
Page 36 is a full-page ad for Fox News Channel.
MORE AMERICANS TRUST FOX NEWS THAN ANY OTHER NEWS NETWORK.
EXPERIENCE THE POWER.
That a news organization (let alone America’s “most trusted” identifies itself as “THE POWER” should make people (with any semblance of a brain) apoplectic with rage.
General Motors is doing really well since being nationally socialized by Tsar Obama… I wonder when that will get some media coverage…
Bank of America’s average bonus to its investment-banker employees last year?
$400,000.
Lou Lumenick picks the Oscar winners. We picked all the same ones (though he wouldn’t be suprised to see George Clooney upset Jeff Bridges — which makes sense since I don’t see Up in the Air winning anything else).
Which goes to show you how easy it is to handicap this year’s Oscars.
4-43 = 8.5%
(they lost by only 4 points, sure, but they still lost)
And the guy “mentoring” their new coach just quit! I can’t wait until they make it harder for me to get to Target and Pathmark!
Is Joba going back to his old bullpen gig, fulfilling his destiny as Mariano Rivera 2.0?
And do you remember me begging the Yankees to make this move throughout the 2009 season?
Yayz!
The final score of the Super Bowl will be 35-31.
The 25-year-old Army reservist who burst into the E! News studios with a knife — demanding Ryan Seacrest — has pleaded not guilty to harassing America’s Blandest Man (patent pending).
Chidi Benjamin Uzomah Jr. (who is quite possibly the only Black man in America who could pick Ryan Seacrest out of a lineup) faces four years in prison and the adoration of millions.
NBC loses money on the Olympics. Fox and ESPN are bidding on the rights for the 2014 Winter Olympics.
NBC will decide it isn’t worth it to lose (yet still more) money on them and walk away. Fox will outbid ESPN, knowing that there will be ample opportunities to spin “#1 in 87 countries across the globe; the most globally-trusted anything ever” in every conceivable way (’specially on their “News” [patent pending] network), which is worth more to their quest for validity.
In a related story, the thong is dead.
I think the only publicity that Edge of Darkness is Mel Gibson antagonizing reporters on his press junket.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/02/03/mel-gibson-asshole-video_n_447285.html
Incidentally, the original miniseries? Awful. Great cast notwithstanding, it’s ridiculous (plutonium plays a big role, as do black flowers, ghosts and criminal fondling).
I wonder if Gibson kisses his dead daughter’s vibrator in the remake…
Busy day. See you tomorrow.
Today’s title can be read as The Post Loves Prostitutes or The Post Is Less Than 3 Prostitutes. Both are accurate.
When I picked up today’s paper, it weighed as much as Sunday’s. But once I got home I realized that 108 pages (!) is the list of properties that the City of New York plans on selling due to the owners’ unpaid bills.
That leaves just 64 pages of terrible newspaper, beginning with a front page that features two major stories. STOMPER ROOM is the story of Joseph Gullotta, 29. He’s a teacher at PS 65 in Ozone Park. A 10-year-old and a 9-year-old were arguing in class, so Gullotta told them to settle their dispute with their fists. So they did. The 10-year-old hit his head into the 9-year-old’s mouth, cutting the younger boy’s lip and bruising the older boy’s head. Abraham Fox, 43, is Gullotta’s “teacher’s aide” and was present for all of this but did/said nothing during the fight. After the fight, he remarked that the 9-year-old might need stitches, but neither boy was allowed to go to the school nurse. Instead, Gullotta taught two more periods of whatever it is a moron teaches fourth graders.
Only after coaching the kids on what to tell the nurse (they hot their heads together trying to pick up the same pencil) were they allowed to see the nurse. This guy needs to go to prison immediately.
The other story on the front page — the one that eats up more than have of the cover — is:
Would you pay $500 to sleep with this man?
Post reporter’s night with a gigolo
That’s right, the same newspaper that hired a disgraced (ex-?)prostitute to offer their readers weekly advice on love — and then spent a week laughing at the prospect of one of her clients talking about love when asked about it in an interview — paid Mandy Stadtmiller to fly to Nevada and pay a male prostitute $500. And then write about it.
“Now, to answer the question on your mind: No, I did not sleep with him.”
“I did not make out with him.”
Instead, the three (3) entire pages of this “article” talk about the words the gigolo mispronounces (“Musician he’s like: ‘Moby’ or — wait for it — ‘Choppin’ [meaning Chopin].”), how creepy Mandy found him, how unromantic he was… basically, today’s cover story is the equivalent of someone who doesn’t believe in God covering a sermon and focusing on what the priest was wearing.
Couldn’t the Post have found someone at the paper willing to have sex with him? Instead of just rolling their eyes at the very concept? Surely Ashley Dupre was the obvious choice (”Dupre Sees How The Other Half Lives!” or “From Hooker to Hooked!” or “Dirty Whore Meets Dirty Whore!”).
What a terrible newspaper.
Almost nine out of every ten teenage girls (between 13 and 17) in this country “feel pressured by the media and the fashion industry to be skinny and that an unrealistic, unattainable image of beauty has been created.”
Someone should tell Kyle Smith (his Fat Chance in the January 2, 2010 edition ripped apart all ad campaigns that feature any women who aren’t beanpoles and characterized those non-emaciated women as difficult to look at [which is why I am positive that Kyle is gay]). Not that he’d care.
Consumer Reports tested 37 different brands of blended coffee (regular and decaf, available in various supermarkets and coffee chains) with “expert tasters.”
Guess how many scored “excellent.”
None.
Guess how many scored a “very good.”
None.
14 of the 37 were “good.” The rest were “fair.”
Which makes me wish I wasn’t “poor” so I could buy gourmet coffees and not feel “incomplete.”
Prez will tax rich to debt proclaims the headline. SPEND! SPEND! SPEND! screams the banner atop it. $1.6T deficit, wealthy $oaked says the thing under the headline.
That’s right, Obama is going to take away all your money. Want proof? Then dig this infographic example:
Taxes for a married New York City couple with a combined income of $275,000.
WITH BUSH CUTS: Paid $68,117 in federal taxes
OBAMA BUDGET: Will pay $68,867, an increase of $750
NEW YORK STATE TAX: $18,837.50
CITY TAX: $9,549.80
TOTAL BILL UNDER OBAMA PLAN: $97,254.30
That fucker! That married couple is paying almost 40% of their earnings in taxes! And it’s all Obama’s fault!
Unless you look at that chart again and actually read it. Obama is forcing that couple to pay an extra $750. That’s it. Did they not have to pay state and city taxes when Bush was POTUS? And is $750 really going to put them in debt? Really, terrible newspaper?
RIP MADE SOUSE CALL provides a picture of Rip Torn’s house and the bank he illegally entered. Then don’t look all that similar, but the bank is located in a two-story colonial house (it even has an attic!). So it’s not like he broke into one of those guadily-lit ATM parlors we have on every other corner of NYC.
When Rip was Breathalyzed (2 1/2 hours after the break-in), he blew a .203, which is over twice the legal limit.
The owner of the bar he was at prior to the break-in told the Post that Rip “ate oysters, but declined to say if the actor was drinking.” Um… I’m pretty sure he was.
Officer Kevin Maloney, 27, is Anal Serpico.
Michael Mineo claimed that cops shoved a baton in his buppo when they arrested him in 2008. The cops all provided each other’s alibis and it looked like Mineo had no chance of winning. Enter NYC’s newest Least Popular Cop (Among Cops).
Maloney says he saw the assault and came forward to see justice done. I commend him on his choice.
I also fear for his life.
Churley Hurt needs to fall down a lot of stairs.
Today’s re-trumpeting of the GOP’s (not all that) recent (anymore) victories in New Jersey, Virginia and Massachusetts is Obama’s got real trouble at home. It revels in those upsets and predicts a GOP upset in Illinois and Hawaii, too (all proving that America hates Obama).
“The only place where Obama has roots that doesn’t seem to be sick and tired of him these days is Kenya. Don’t be surprised if Republicans start fielding candidates there soon.”
Kenya… that’s where he was born, right?
The NYC Green Codes Task Force recommends opening access to all building’s stairwells so that tenants/employees can exercise more.
Start with the NewsCorp building.
(and grease them)
Why does Charlie Rangel still have a job?
The man who has John Edwards and Rielle Hunter’s sex tape has been offered money for it.
He has declined to sell it.
I am baffled as to why he hasn’t set fire to it yet.
The Nets have the worst record in the Eastern Conference of the NBA (they also have the worst record in the entire NBA and all professional sports as a whole) with an 8.7% record. Detroit has the second-worst record in the EC — 32.6%
They play each other tonight. I predict New Jersey will be 4-43 by morning.
Joe Mauer signed a 10-year contract with the Twins.
Johnny Damon is in talks with Detroit.
Kevin Millar signed with the Cubs.
Pitchers and catchers report in 15 days.
(waves miniature Yankees pennant)
Another new episode of Kitchen Nightmares tonight? Already? Which God did I please?
OSCAR NOMINATIONS HAVE BEEN ANNOUNCED!
I will bold the person/film that I think will win, but I reserve the right to change my mind right up until the morning of the awards ceremony.
Best Actor
- Jeff Bridges in “Crazy Heart”
- George Clooney in “Up in the Air”
- Colin Firth in “A Single Man”
- Morgan Freeman in “Invictus”
- Jeremy Renner in “The Hurt Locker”
Best Supproting Actor
- Matt Damon in “Invictus”
- Woody Harrelson in “The Messenger”
- Christopher Plummer in “The Last Station”
- Stanley Tucci in “The Lovely Bones”
- Christoph Waltz in “Inglourious Basterds”
Best Actress
- Sandra Bullock in “The Blind Side”
- Helen Mirren in “The Last Station”
- Carey Mulligan in “An Education”
- Gabourey Sidibe in “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”
- Meryl Streep in “Julie & Julia”
Best Supporting Actress
- Penélope Cruz in “Nine”
- Vera Farmiga in “Up in the Air”
- Maggie Gyllenhaal in “Crazy Heart”
- Anna Kendrick in “Up in the Air”
- Mo’Nique in “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”
Best Animated Feature
- “Coraline” Henry Selick
- “Fantastic Mr. Fox” Wes Anderson
- “The Princess and the Frog” John Musker and Ron Clements
- “The Secret of Kells” Tomm Moore
- “Up” Pete Docter
Best Director
- “Avatar” James Cameron
- “The Hurt Locker” Kathryn Bigelow
- “Inglourious Basterds” Quentin Tarantino
- “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” Lee Daniels
- “Up in the Air” Jason Reitman
Best Picture
- “Avatar” James Cameron and Jon Landau, Producers
- “The Blind Side” Nominees to be determined
- “District 9” Peter Jackson and Carolynne Cunningham, Producers
- “An Education” Finola Dwyer and Amanda Posey, Producers
- “The Hurt Locker” Nominees to be determined
- “Inglourious Basterds” Lawrence Bender, Producer
- “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” Lee Daniels, Sarah Siegel-Magness and Gary Magness, Producers
- “A Serious Man” Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, Producers
- “Up” Jonas Rivera, Producer
- “Up in the Air” Daniel Dubiecki, Ivan Reitman and Jason Reitman, Producers
The rest will be covered at a later date.
Yesterday I lost part of a filling, so I made an appointment with a fancy “dental spa” that offers virtual reality glasses while your teeth are being fixed.
What a time to be alive.
See you tomorrow, kids.
Remember Astro from The Jetsons? He, like Scooby-Doo, spoke perfect English, but with r’s replacing the first letter of almost every word. That’s what I immediately thought of when I saw the fattest and ugliest man in football on today’s front page. The headline is REX-RATED because Fatty McAlso-ran (born Rex Ryan) told fans in Miami (“at a mixed-martial-arts event”) that “we’re coming to beat you twice next year”… and then he gave everyone the middle finger.
And the Post being the Post, that’s the shot on the front page. Online, people blur out the extended middle finger. Even MTV has more class (!) than the Post. And, oh look. There’s the same photo on page 5. Along with fun facts like:
* Rex Ryan eats 7,000 calories a day (though that might be a typo; I think they left a zero off)!
* When he gave Miami fans the finger, he also told them to “Go fuck yourselves!”
* I get nauseous every time I look at that man’s neck.
“Governor” Paterson has promised to raise $8,000,000 “in the next few months” for his impending battle against Andrew Cuomo.
In a related story, Mayor Bloomberg put on an old pair of pants and found $9,000,000 in the pocket.
They’re selling Powerball tickets in New York now?
And there’s a $107,000,000 jackpot for Wednesday’s drawing?
I like my odds!
It’s not new episodes of The Larry Sanders Show, but it’s pretty damn close.
Why did Rip Torn break into a bank and go to sleep on the floor? He thought it was his house.
So… it was either a really beautiful bank, or he lives in a very dull house.
Robert Downey, Jr. needs to play Rip in the inevitable TV movie.
The number of (successful) bank robberies in New York City was halved last year (444 in 2008, 222 in 2009) thanks to new Plexiglas barriers and tellers who ignore bank robbers.
Which makes me wonder why every bank didn’t do this many, many years ago.
Faith in God? Yes. Faith in our justice system? No.
Now the GOP is insisting that there be no 9/11 terror trial. Solamente military tribunals. That receive no funding. And don’t occur on U.S. soil.
What a bunch of cowards.
al Qaeda is planning on surgically implanting bombs into their future Jim Carrey-ons.
So… the people in the caves are going to perform complicated surgery on each other and then (once the scars have healed over) they’ll board a plane and inject the TATP (from a syringe) into the PETN that’s inside them? Didn’t the last guy have trouble doing it when the TATP was in his underwear?
Maybe the TSA should crack down on people smuggling syringes onto planes? Problem solved?
Avatar is $6,300,000 away from becoming the all-time highest-grossing movie (domestically) ever, knocking Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! from it’s pedestal. Or is it Titanic that holds the record?
By Thursday at the latest, methinks.
I’m looking at photos of last night’s Grammy Awards and I can’t bring myself to care. Oh, Michael Jackson’s kids gave a speech (“Daddy was supposed to be here, he was gonna perform this year, but he couldn’t perform last year. Thank you. We love you, Daddy.”)? And Fergie dressed like Tron? And Elton John and Lady Gaga duetted?
At least Stephen Colbert won one.
According to Page Six (today on page 12), Ryan Seacrest gave a toast to Clive Davis at Davis’ annual pre-Grammy party.
“Not a single thing he said got a laugh. He made a lame joke about how Clive Davis’ ears look like the actual Grammy statue. It was awkward.”
Now THAT I would watch.
Joan Rivers on Jay Leno: “He’s fucking boring!”
Mike Tyson was a “dancer for a night” on the Italian version of Dancing With the Stars (I believe their version is called Dancing-a With-a duh Stars-a).
Here he is performing a dance of his own invention, the Punch and Rape and Punch.
He wasn’t asked back.
Fun fact: The Mars Rover has been stuck in a sand pit for nine months. NASA can’t get it out.
Let’s give them another $500,000,000,000,000,000,000, shall we?
Mandrea!
Her main kvetch today is Welcome to the Blunderdome, which complains about heightened security near Wall Street — and that a 9/11 trial would only exacerbate that heightened security. Which, for some reason, is a bad thing.
“This is the brave new world, post-9/11. A world for which we never asked. But with public trials, we’re just begging for trouble. Bring back the tribunals. The criminals will get quiet justice, not a starring role in a circus. And we’ll get peace of mind.”
That’s right, folks. No 9/11 trial in NYC means no danger from terrorists ever again.
She also rips into Eliot Spitzer (Eliot ’socks’ Silda, again) — almost a week after everyone else at this horrible paper — for his interview with BigThink.com (next week, she’ll tackle that fuss-pot Spiro Agnew!).
And she commends Israel for all they’re doing in Haiti. For some reason.
Nice piece on 2010 Super Bowl ads. But, since I don’t care about the game and I’m angry at CBS for not running an ad with men kissing — but allowing one that includes a highly dubious anti-abortion story courtesy of Focus on the Family (While A Priest Molests Your Child) — I think I’ll wait for the good commercials to end up on YouTube (especially the Super Bowl Shuffle reunion spot for Boost Mobile).
The Nets played last night. And, as they have 41 times out of 45 previous attempts, they lost (this time by 4 points).
4-42 or 8.7%.
Oof.
Steve Serby has a full page on why Rex Ryan’s bird-flipping was FLIPPIN’ STUPID. And why there are No excuses for Rexxx’s gesture.
Which the Post featured on its front page. And again on page 5.
Linda Stasi gives The Michael Vick Project two stars.
“If you want to see how quickly everything can become nothing, this is the show for you. If, however, you can never forgive, then stay away. Can Vick get it all back again? Probably. After all, he recently threw a 76-yard touchdown pass — the longest scoring throw of his career. I wonder how far he can throw a dog.”
Teresa is sick. I am sick.
For the first time since Dog Court’s streak began, I am considering not attending the Magnet Inferno.
And despite feeling worse than I do, my incredible wife went out this morning (while I slept) and got a Post. Then she cooked duck bacon. I’m pretty lucky (though sick).
Now let’s get to it so I can go back to napping and coughing up phlegm.
Chuck Schumer doesn’t want the 9/11 trial in New York City — or New York state.
I’ve got it –we’ll have the trial in outer space!
Some burglars have stolen more than $150,000 in jewelry, electronics and sports memorabilia from Jayson Williams’ estate… in South Carolina.
If I were Williams’ attorney, I could have used the fact that he owns a home in South Carolina as proof that he was mentally unfit to stand trial.
A pack of “crazed, hungry beagles” has been “terrorizing” Long Island.
Which gives me an idea for a sitcom. A cranky old Jew (Eli Wallach) has a fear of animals but winds up falling in love with an abandoned pack of feral beagles that he finds one day in the park. The dogs are kind to Wallach, but his nurse’s aide (Kellie Martin as Vivian Schmear) is always subjected to their darker side whenever Wallach leaves the room.
I call it A Dozen Beagles and a Schmear and I’m waiting for your call, NBC.
There will be a Season Two of MTV’s Jersey Shore and it looks like the original cast has re-signed on. But they won’t be staying at the Jersey Shore (!!) this time around. Sources say that Delaware, the Hamptons and other locations are being scouted.
How about an elementary school? I’d love to see them interact with other people at a fifth-grade reading level.
Goodwin!
Mideast immune to Bam’s ‘magic’ is a curiosity. Goodwin refers to Jerusalem as a “magical city” but that’s the only mention of magic outside of the piece’s title. At no point does Goodwin explain what Obama’s “magic” is supposed to refer to (is Goodwin implying that Obama is a Magic Jerome?). Solid journalism, Mike.
The revolution even reaches liberal Apple begins, “The victory against holding the 9/11 terror trial in Manhattan is evidence that what happened in Massachusetts didn’t stay there. New York is having its own Boston Tea Party. Politicians — beware. The public is mad as hell and not going to take it anymore.”
So voters choosing the charismatic Brown over the repugnant Croakley is the same thing as Bloomberg and Schumer telling Obama not to hold the 9/11 trial here, which is the same thing as the original Boston Tea Party. Solid. Journalism. B’also? Paddy Chayefsky is turning in his grave over your butchering (and misappropriation) of one of his best lines.
Client No. who? is a 4-sentence gem. “Eliot Spitzer is giving advice on love and avoiding stupid things. It’s tempting to ask what he knows about either, but that would just encourage him. Better to ignore him. That’s the one thing he can’t stand.”
And, once again, I will point out that the shitty paper that this shitty writer works for has given the prostitute that Spitzer frequented her own weekly column where she dispenses advice on love to stupid things.
Why do I do this to myself on the weekend?
Who’s dumber?
Highway Patrol Officer Nelson Robles has been a policeman for 15 years. He decided to go to Lydig Coffee House for some coffee yesterday morning and figured, “Why not leave the keys in the ignition of my marked SUV with the engine running?”
Anibal Lugo, 48, saw the SUV, got in and drove away. Cops found him soon after. He was dressed like a cop.
This morning was kind of awesome.
Like the five days before it, it started with my walking to Pierre’s and getting a paper. Except today there was a line. Fist in line was a man buying his groceries (unnerving). Then there was the woman carrying her tiny dog in a baby sling. The dog was wearing a sweater and cap. In a baby sling.
I stood in the line of three and wondered why the woman even bothered taking the dog out of the apartment in the first place; this couldn’t be described (in any language) as taking the dog for a walk. The woman turned and smiled at me. I smiled back and decided to look at the paper I was waiting to buy. Most of the front page is devoted to that knucklehead Obama (in reference to his recent Q & A with the GOP where they showed America that they’d rather hit their talking points than engage in rational discourse and he reminded America that a Harvard Law Degree makes you real smart-like? Of course not — it’s about the 9/11 trial possibly moving to Gitmo [GIT-D'OH!].). But on top of that is a picture of a dog (the exact same kind this woman was cradling) with the headline Does your dog really need a coat?
I saw that, chuckled, and looked back up to see the woman, her smile rapidly fading as she scanned the headline that made me chuckle. Her eyes darted back up at mine, as if to say, “Oh, is that what you think? That my dog shouldn’t be dressed like people?”
I mentally patted myself on the back for remembering to wear tinted sunglasses as the woman swiveled around, offering me a view of her back. The man left with his groceries and the woman spent a good solid minute making baby noises as “Pierre” (or, as I call him, Gort) played along in broken English.
It might have been my imagination, but I think I heard the woman “hmph!” at me as she exited with her bagel.
So thank you, Post, for the unintentional comedy that unfolded today. And all before I had a chance to sip my coffee.
(starts reading paper)
I take it back. This newspaper is a jerk.
The continuation of the (main) cover story is on pages 4 and 5 and contain plenty of awful mini-pieces under a hilarious banner headline (BAY WHAT? GITMO EYED FOR KHALID). Rich Lowry’s A sheik-up call for O’s Justice joker is not, sadly, about The Joker. It’s also, sadly, written by Rich Lowry (who coins the new nickname for the idea of holding the trial in Manhattan — “Holder’s Folly”).
Osama blows eco-smoke reveals that Osama bin Laden’s latest video tape contains his views on global warming:
“This is a message to the whole world about those responsible for climate change and its repercussions — whether intentionally or unintentionally — and about the action we must take. Speaking about climate change is not a matter of intellectual luxury. The phenomenon is an actual fact.”
Great. So now if you believe in global warming, you’re on bin Laden’s side. Score.
Grim new WTC sift says that anthropologists will soon start sifting through Ground Zero debris to find more human remains. No word on why this sifting of debris (the last one took place in 2007) is considered grim (as opposed to jejune or randy — maybe because it reminds us of the gaping wound that remains at Ground Zero?).
Page 2 must be a typo — Obama’s Medicaid boo$t for weak NY claims that Obama plans on raising the amount of money New York will get for Medicaid in 2011 by 6.2%. The article also says that $25,000,000,000 in additional Medicaid money will be made available to the 50 states, but not who gets how much.
Because this is a horrible newspaper.
Loverboy Eliot lacks mojo: gals begins, “Memo to Eliot Spitzer: Leave the romance advice to Ashley Dupre.”
Memo to The New York Post and all the women they interviewed who scoffed at Spitzer offering advice on love (folks like Ebony Ruffin, 29, who said, “It’s ridiculous. He needs to sit down and be quiet. No one values his take on love. It’s like he wants more attention.”): Ashley Dupre is a whore (pronounced “who-err”). How about you seek advice from someone who didn’t fuck strangers for money? How about you not value the “take on love” of an admitted whore?
Page Six (today on page 10) reports that Kyle Smith has seen Joel Schumacher’s new movie (Twelve) at Sundance and that it stinks. I can report that I saw his last movie (Town Creek, aka Blood Creek), which was about Nazi vampire zombies that can resurrect the dead — even dead horses — and it stinks.
Ah… the Obama-vs.-the-GOP Q & A session is on page 12 (Prez vs. GOP is a rip-roaring bout). But it’s an Associated Press article, which means that Churley Hurt isn’t accusing Obama of being an elitist jerk. So… what’s the point of reading it?
The NFL has issued cease-and-desist letters to t-shirt makers who have been producing shirts that say “WHO DAT?”
The NFL claims they own “WHO DAT?”
The XFL, on the other hand, is still patiently waiting for “HE HATE ME” to catch on and encourages anyone that wants to co-opt the odd slogan to do so.
Ronald Radosh writes a lovely op-ed about Howard Zinn (The History of Zinn) wherein he explains that the recently-departed historian “preferred propaganda” to facts and that his contention that history wasn’t about “understanding the past” but, rather, “changing the future” “should have disqualified him anyone from referring to him as a historian.”
Classy.
L. Brent Bozell III’s Feminist Fury at Super Bowl ‘Choice’ bemoans all of the “feminists” who are angry about the Super Bowl ad that CBS accepted from Focus on the Family. Bozell says the decision “caused a firestorm with the radical Left because that group is proudly Christian.”
Hey, L. Brent? How do you and your proudly Christian buddies feel about two men kissing in an ad? It’s against Jeebus, right?
B’also? It isn’t just the radical Left and feminists who find it in poor taste to broadcast an anti-abortion ad during the Super Bowl, but not allow any homos to promote gay dating sites.
The Nets’ recent winning streak ends at 1.
They lost last night to Washington — by just 2 points! — bringing their total number of games won in 2010 to 1 and giving them a win percentage of 8.9%.
P.U.!
This is kind of sad.
Johnny Damon — who refused a 2-year/$14,000,000 contract with the Yankees earlier in this off-season — has started sounding like a battered wife.
“I’m not ruling out New York, whenever it is, whether I start the season with them, or whether they trade for me at the deadline, or if they sign me next year, or what not. I love New York.”
1) White people, even those with Indian blood, aren’t allowed to use “what not” (except ironically).
2) You aren’t starting the season with the Yankees.
3) The Yankees aren’t going to trade for you at the deadline.
4) The Yankees prolly aren’t going to sign you next year.
“I definitely thought there would be more talks monetarily-wise with the Yankees,” Damon also said.
I wish he was still a Yankee, too. But, unlike Damon, I’ve moved on.
CBS will be airing a 2005 TV movie starring Keri Russell and Skeet Ulrich tonight. You have been warned.
Happy Saturday!
ABOUT
I read the New York Post so you don’t have to.
RECENT POSTS
RECENT COMMENTS
- jed on Much Ado About Thongs
- Resa on Much Ado About Thongs
- Bethany on The Post <3 Prostitutes
- Garrett Palm on Baba O’Recidivist?
- Baba O'Binney on Baba O’Recidivist?
Clicky here…
This month’s stats
459 | Unique Visitors |
