Finished rehearsal at 10:10 last night. Caught an F to Brooklyn at Bryant Park at 10:20. Got to West 4th Street and was told that, due to signal issues, there would be no more F trains to Brooklyn. Took a B train to Atlantic Avenue. Got a 67 bus to Park Slope after 11:00. Waited for the 11:18 75 bus (which showed up at 11:26) and got home at 11:35. I hate the MTA quite a bit.
My wife was singing Jay-Z’s “Empire State of Mind” this morning and now I can’t stop repeating the line “does this sandwich comes with tomatoes?” in my head (actual line: “Concrete jungle where dreams are made of”). It might be from lack of sleep, but I find that extremely amusing.
All of a sudden, I’m not as eager to see Paterson leave office.
Lt. Gov. Richard Ravitch has a plan to solve the budget crisis: Borrow $6,000,000,000 and pay it back later.
Mayor Bloomberg’s response is that the plan “doesn’t pass the laugh test.” I have no idea what that means.
But what did people expect from a former MTA chief? Delaying the inevitable is their credo!
But I’m not alone in fearing the ascension of Ravitch. Paterson has a 21% approval rating (and 61% disapproval, leaving 18% with no opinion or something better to do than respond to the telemarketer), but 50% of those polled say they want Paterson to finish out his term. I find that almost as disturbing as calling an abuse victim to convince her not to press charges against her assailant.
And speaking of abuse, Richard Belzer tried to strangle a woman to death in the Apple Store at 67th and Broadway (Belzer’s ‘Law & Disorder’). At least, according to the victim. She approached Belzer on line and asked him if she could help him (she works there). He put his habds on her shoulders and said, “Thank God you’re here.”
The Belz assumed she knew who he was, but she didn’t. She immediately called 911 and told them she had been choked. The cops showed up, looked at the surveillance tape and decided not to press charges. The woman still filed a report of harassment.
Meaning that, in addition to Homicide, Law & Order, Law & Order: SVU, Law & Order: Trial by Jury, The Beat, The Wire, Arrested Development, Sesame Street and The X-Files, Detective Munch might be appearing in civil court.
(gung gung)
Brooklyn Assemblyman Felix Ortiz is an idiot.
He just introduced legislation that would totally eliminate the use of salt in every restaurant in the entire state of New York (CRIMINAL A-SALT). “In this way, consumers have more control over the amount of sodium they intake, and are given the option to exercise healthier diets and healthier lifestyles,” he explained to what I can only assume was laughter and things being thrown at him.
“The fact is, [salt use] brings some ramifications regarding heart disease,” he added. He then claimed that “if this legislation gets passed, we’ll save close to $32,000,000,000 in [public health care costs].”
32 billion? Yeah, that sounds about right. Idiot.
Uh-oh! Does Lindsay Lohan actually have a case (‘LOH’ BLOW PAPER TRAIL)?
An Esquire magazine reporter gained access to the TV spot’s script and found that, as Lindsay’s lawyer claims, “when the name changed from Deborah to Lindsay, the words [to describe her] also changed.”
Those words include: “slee-otch,” “cockadoodle,”"leaking diaper,” “Foodferret,” “skanky cake,” “Gutter Hound,” “Flank steak,” “Blooter,” and “Beasel.”
Says mother Dina, “[The notes are] horrific. This just proves our point. Oh my goodness, I can’t even read this, it’s so disgusting.”
The script does spell the name with an a (Lindsay).
But I had no idea they considered calling her a blooter and/or beasel. She mos def deserves $100,000,000.
Beginning at the end of March, the MTA is shutting down express service on the 5 train. For 18 months.
The MTA says this will add 5 minutes to commutes. But people who actually ride the train say it will add 30 minutes.
I hope they raise fares again soon.
Good news! Google has added “bicycle directions” to Google Maps™!
Bad news! They’ve been directing people to 65th Street Transverse (which is incredibly narrow and bike lane-less) among other bike-unfriendly areas (like the section of Williamsburg where the Hasidic community had the bike lanes removed).
I hope they have good Google Defense Attorneys™.
The Royal Opera in London has announced plans to turn Anna Nicole Smith into an opera (called “Anna Nicole”).
Too soon.
Obama signed an executive order “to expand programs that give whistleblowers a cut of health-fraud schemes they expose.”
Karen Ignani of America’s Health Insurance Plans responded by lamenting a “relentless attack on the men and women who work in our industry” and the “politics of vilification.”
Thank you, President Obama.
And Karen? Not all of them, surely, but most of the people who work in your industry are the scum of the earth and deserve as many relentless attacks as can be waged on them (if not more).
Oh, Page Six (today on page 14). Your political cartoons are so incredibly witty! Today, it’s the interior of the restaurant serving breast-milk cheese and Eliot Spitzer and Tiger Woods are shaking with delight while eating it! It’s like an onion, there are so many layers! Give whoever drew this a Pulitzer!
On Tuesday, Levi Johnston was ordered by a judge to pay $21,000 in child support to his ex, Bristol Palin.
Regardless of whether or not he’s appealing, he’s not appealing.
Corey Haim, 38, died of an overdose yesterday. Naturally, Corey Feldman has issued a statement titled We shared not just a name but a passion.
“I am so sorry for Corey, his mother Judy, his family, my family, all of our fans, and of course my son who I will have to find a way to explain this to when he gets home from school.”
His son will be six in August.
Cindy Adams mumbles, “…Ex-President George Bush the elder suffering a form of reverse Parkinson’s. Trouble walking…”
He, like she, is not long for this world.
Mandrea!
Intolerant lacto-nuts, like most of what comes out of the author’s sour mouth, blows the breast-milk cheese story waaaaaay out of proportion, calling the cheese “the most vile substance ever fabricated.” Hi, perbole!
Just milking her infamy reprimands Lindsay Lohan for insisting that she’s the only famous Lindsay. The proof? Lindsay Wagner, Lindsay Davenport, Lindsey Buckingham, Lindsey Graham, and Lindsey Vonn. Three of these people spell their name differently, two of them I’ve never heard of.
Ratner’s Net gain for B’klyn lavishes praise over Bruce Ratner’s new stadium for the Nets. “The city needs this.” No, actually, it doesn’t (they’re 7-57!).
Call off the soda cops complains that soda is being unjustly criticized for being unhealthy. “A Coke never killed anyone.” All I need is a six-pack and three minutes alone with Peyser to prove her wrong.
Membrs of Sigma Alpha Epsilon at the University of Kentucky thought it would be funny to wrap a brother in toilet paper and set him on fire. The victim rolled on the ground to extinguish himself, setting fire to the rug.
He suffered first-degree burns to his hands and the fraternity house burned down.
(cue: “The Greatest Love of All”)
A Brooklyn judge (Nina Gershon) has ordered that the ban on funding ACORN be lifted.
(waves miniature U.S.S.R. flag)
Which asshole gets to speak what passes for their mind in today’s POST OPINION? Why it’s Rep. Peter Hoekstra (R-Mich.)! But why read A Gitmo Deal With the Devil when you can watch this?
Citigroup is up another $0.14, making it $3.96/share.
Nomar Garciaparra signed a one-day contract with the Red Sox yesterday and then announced his retirement.
In a completely unrelated story, Don Mattingly is expected to become the new manager of the L.A. Dodgers in 2012.
And in a loosely-related but ultimately depressing story, Joba gave up six runs on five hits (including a grand slam) yesterday (plus three walks), bringing his ERA to 27.00. Guess who isn’t going to be our fifth starter this season.
As I mentioned earlier, the Nets now have a win percentage of 10.9%. They are 7-57. They are awful.
The weekend is less than 30 hours away. If only I could nap until then.
MOO!
Hey, at least I don’t chew my cud, says breast milk cheese mom
“I eat healthier than your average cow and I’m not pumped full of steroids!” So declares Lori Mason, wife of Daniel Angerer (had she taken his name, the headline could have been Angerer Angers or Anger for Angerer). And if you think she’s crazy and/or creepy, the photo of her on page 7 helps your case immensely.
The Post asked Liz Thorpe (vice president of Murray’s Cheese in Greenwich Village) to taste the breast-milk cheese, which she did. “It was slippery, slightly crunchy and tasted like pickles. I give it a thumbs down.”
Mason continues to mock the only people who aren’t throwing up at the prospect of eating her slippery and crunchy pickle-esque offering. “We may need security to stop the weird fetish people from coming in.” You know what else is a weird fetish? Convincing your husband to feed strangers with your breast milk.
Also on the front page today is Lindsay Cries to Mommy over baby ad. Apparently, after she saw the E-Trade ad during the Super Bowl, Lindsay Lohan called her mother in tears. “She said, ‘Mommy, help me. This is wrong. How can they do this?’” said Dina Lohan, her horrible mother whose idea it was to sue.
“They’re little babies doing this, mocking another child who’s just trying to survive Hollywood, basically… I’m just basically glad I took a stand. I’m not going to let them do this to us anymore. Everyone knows Lindsay, like Cher or Madonna.”
You’re basically full of shit.
Oh boy! Page 3 features a steamy photo of Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston from their sexy W magazine photo shoot!
I still have no desire to see their new movie!
After a week on the job, the guy who replaced the old State Police Superintendent has handed in his resignation, too (effective Friday). And Jay-Z and Floyd Flake have removed themselves from the Aqueduct Entertainment Group (they were “key local partners”). And “Governor” Paterson “said that on the advice of his lawyer, he was recusing himself from any further matters involving AEG. ‘I’d rather not talk about that — but it had nothing to do with the process or my role,’ Paterson said.”
It has almost stopped being funny. Almost.
The MTA is considering saving some of the bus routes slated for service cuts… in the Bronx, Queens and Manhattan.
Sigh.
Did you watch Eric Massa on Glenn Beck last night? That guy is ridiculous. The things he says are straight out of Lewis Carroll (“They forced me out. I wasn’t forced out. I forced myself out. Because I knew they were forcing me out.”).
It takes quite a buffoon to make Beck appear to be of sound mind (albeit briefly).
Robert Joseph Halderman has pleaded guilty to trying to extort $2,000,000 from David Letterman. In exchange for his plea he’ll serve six months on Rikers Island (though they believe he’ll be out in four months), 1,000 hours of comunity service and 4 1/2 years of probation. In exchange for the plea, he can’t talk about Letterman’s sex life anymore.
But what’s to prevent him from writing down information and passing it along to Lil Wayne? And what if Lil Wayne puts out a double album called The Late Shaft?
Michael Goodwin.
They’re off at Aquesuck, so it’s gov’s turn to bolt (see what he did there?) rehashes what I’ve already read (in today’s paper!) about the Aquefuct racino (see what I did there?). We’re not buying it, O is more angry rambling about how awful Obama is (Bonus: ‘Mercy’ me, what a weak argument is a nice two-sentence aside that equates the health-care reform with murdering your parents: “When Obama told Democrats they need to pass his flawed health bill ‘to maintain a strong presidency,’ he reminded me of the child who killed his parents, then begged the judge for mercy. See, he’s an orphan.” What it reminds me of is the story of the president who told Americans that disagreeing with any of his foolish policies was unpatriotic.
More Toyotas are causing more problems (just like Biggie and Diddy warned us!).
A 61-year-old drove his Prius for 35 miles at over 90 mph on a California highway.
Wait. There are highways in California that you can drive for 35 miles on without stopping?
Oh, he drove from Lakeside to Boulder Oaks. Nevermind.
Fun Fact: Toyota still doesn’t know how to fix the problem in the Prius.
According to Page Six (today on page 12), Demi Moore recently gave her daughter (Rumer Willis) pole dancing lessons at a party at the Chateau Marmont.
“Everyone was cheering and Leo [DiCaprio] gave Ashton [Kutcher] a high-five,” said a “partygoer.”
Harf.
Page Six also claims that Bob Balaban wrote Gosford Park.
If only they had access to imdb or Google or a copy of Gosford Park…
An interesting follow-up to the Armond White vs. Noah Baumbach story can be found here.
Turns out he never said Baumbach’s mother should have had an abortion. He did, however, say “You look at Noah Baumbach’s work, and you see he’s an asshole. I would say it to his face.”
I think Armond’s just jealous because Noah is Wes Anderson’s friend and he isn’t.
This is going to hit Park Slope hard.
Baby slings are responsible for a number of baby smotherings. The gub’mint will be issuing a warning shortly.
This weekend I saw at least 20 men with babies in slings. I guess the men’ll have to go back to letting undocumented nannies carry their kids.
Oh, how nice!
The Post has given Marc A. Thiessen half a page to defend his and Liz Cheney’s repugnant assertion that people who defended terrorists are somehow suspect (Naming Terror Lawyers Is No Smear).
Hey, Marc? The reason Eric Holder isn’t keen on naming “the al Qaeda Seven” is because you and your buddies have smeared them and questioned their patriotism. Repeatedly. And you’re still doing it.
Go burn a book, you buffoon.
Bret Wallach of Hicksville (tee hee) writes in to thank Kyle Smith for his “review” of Green Zone. “Instead of seeing the film, I will spend my money on something pro-American.” Like Avatar?
Citigroup went up $0.26/share to $3.82.
God of Carnage might be switching to an all-Black cast soon. Michael Riedel claims “Eddie Murphy is at the top of the list.”
But isn’t he supposed to be making Beverly Hills Cop IV?
Maybe Riedel mixed up his list of possible GoC actors with his list of trannie-kissers?
Does Joe Nathan (closer for the Twins) need Tommy John surgery? Maybe!
The Yankees are 3-5, the Mets are 6-3.
Washington is 0-7.
A new Alex Rodriguez drug scandal?
Sigh.
Nick Johnson hit two home runs in yesterday’s game against the Pirates.
Please stay healthy and uninjured, Nick.
Southland got 2,500,000 viewers on March 2nd.
That makes me so sad (roughly 9,000,000 watch Two and a Half Men in syndication).
Please watch Southland.
Linda Stasi gives High Society and Pretty Wild three garbage cans each.
“It’s all horrible. However, I will admit that I watched extra episodes — just in case!”
I read the entire “review” and have no idea what that sentence refers to.
Bravo, Linda.
Modern Family has already been renewed, so you don’t have to watch it tonight, but you should anyway.
Have as good of a Hump Day as you possibly can.
Had my annual physical today and it went fine except for the ECG. The assistant had ripped all of the stickies off of me seconds before my doctor announced that the results weren’t saved properly. So I had to have the stickies re-applied and re-ripped off. All before I had any coffee.
Sigh.
Hilary Swank’s breasts are on the front page, along with BAM’S LAST GASP!, which describes Obama’s health-care rally in Pennsylvania as “desperate.” And the follow-up on page 4 is titled Bam is Dr. Desperate and the rally is once again (in the first sentence!) described as “desperate.”
The Post’s consistent use of the word “desperate” seems… oh, what’s that word… desperate.
Obama group tells Hiram: No, you can’t features a Monserrate bumper sticker that reads “RE-ELECT SENATOR MONSERRATE SPECIAL ELECTION * MARCH 16TH, 2010″ with the O logo made famous during the 2008 presidential election and the phrase “YES WE CAN… ¡SI SE PUEDE!” on the bottom.
Organizing for America has already told Mr. Slashy that he isn’t allowed to use the logo.
Now for the part that made me laugh out loud on the train.
“Meanwhile, Monserrate is set to formally announce his candidacy today — at an event that was clumsily previewed by his own team. ‘FORMER SENATOR HIRAM MONSERRATE UNVEILS PLAN AND OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCES CANDIDACY AFTER STABBING,’ read the e-mail. It was a reference to a violent incident in the district over the weekend. But given the nature of Monserrate’s conviction, it seemed awkward.”
Agreed.
Another politician who deserved to be thrown out of office is Queens Rep. Gregory Meeks. He was on NY1 last Wednesday and set up an interview for this week. “I look forward to coming on next week [to talk about NOAH-F],” he said. A few days later, he cancelled the interview (he cited a “family conflict”).
The interview is now set for next Monday. Tentatively.
You might want to stay away from Klee Brasserie in Chelsea.
Chef Daniel Angerer has offering his customers “a canapé of breast-milk cheese with figs and Hungarian pepper.” The breast-milk is provided by his wife, who “is now prodding her husband to make gelato” out of her bosom’s dairy bounty.
The Department of Health has told Angerer to “refrain from sharing his wife’s milk with the world.”
Agreed.
Remember when I said that Rep. Eric Massa kinda sorta took responsibility for the sexual harassment charges he faced? I spoke too soon.
Massa (D-Corning) is now claiming he was “set up” by “Democratic leaders” because he represented “the deciding vote on health care.”
“This administration and this House leadership have said… they will stop at nothing to pass this health-care bill. And now they’ve gotten rid of me, and it will pass.”
Massa also referred to Rahm Emanuel as “the son of the devil’s spawn.”
I think Massa has a future as a closeted homosexual who makes up insults.
Placido Domingo had a cancerous polyp removed from his colon last week.
And I’m only hearing about it now?
LOHAN’S SUCH A BABY! tells of my new favorite lawsuit: Lindsay Lohan v. E-Trade.
You may (but probably may not) remember their Super Bowl commercial where the baby is video chatting with his baby girlfriend and she says “And that milkaholic Lindsay wasn’t over [last night]?” And he says, “Lindsay?” just before another girl baby sticks her head into the video frame and says, “Milk-a-what?”
Lohan is claiming that the commercial was “modeled after her” and she wants (are you sitting down?) $100,000,000. Take it away, Lohan’s attorney (Stephanie Ovadia)!
“They’re using her name as a parody of her life. This is a subliminal message. Everybody’s talking about it and saying it’s Lindsay Lohan.” No, actually, we aren’t. And how do you know the baby’s name isn’t Lindsey? And why does Lindsay automatically assume that an alcoholic boyfriend-stealer is based on her?
The only person that will benefit from this case is Ms. Ovadia.
When I was an intern at MTV, a lady named Karen Salmansohn was working on a pilot with the channel and I worked on a few casting sessions with her. She was very sweet and has gone on to publish a slew of successful books (including Prince Harming Syndrome, How to Succeed in Business Without a Penis, and Even God is Single, So Stop Giving Me a Hard Time). Which is why I was startled to see her on page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six, which is on page 10 today) in an article titled Knocked-up advice guru is suing lover.
Apparently she started seeing a guy who said he was “practically divorced” and was seemingly excited to start a family with her. He paid $28,000 for IVF treatments (also providing the sperm), but when Salmansohn became pregnant, the man (Mitchell Leff, 49, of Long Island) told her that he was “too old” to be a father again and that she should get an abortion — 24 hours after learning of the pregnancy.
Salmansohn is suing for child support and I hope she wins.
Mandrea was given all of page 7 on which to lambaste “Governor” Paterson (LONESOME GOV’S SAD SOLO ACT). Which she does.
A barrel of fish springs to mind.
German artist Jan Voorman and a team of volunteers scoured Manhattan and Brooklyn for cracks in buildings and, when they found them, they filled them in with Legos. It was part of Voorman’s “Dispatchwork” project.
As of yesterday, only the “repairs” on 32nd Street and Seventh Avenue remain.
The photos are amazing, but I can’t find them online so you’ll just have to trust me.
Cindy Adams didn’t like Hilary Swank’s dress (or lack thereof). She went to the Oscars to report on the parties. And, according to what she allegedly overheard, no one like the ceremony. “Wasn’t funny. Those guys Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin were nice, but so what? My uncle is also nice.” and “It was endless. I already need a Botox injection.”
Do those sound like legitimate quotes to you? Me neither.
Box.
The oldest living American Mary Josephine Ray, 114 years and 294 days old, has passed on.
When the second-oldest American hears this, it will probably excite him or her to death.
I just ate a pound and a half of carrots.
An art gallery in Vienna has a new “project aimed at provoking debate about scandal in art.” Which is why they’re setting evenings aside for a swingers’ club where visitors can “act out sexual fantasies.”
Yes, but is it art?
(No.)
Lil’ Wayne is at Rikers Island (I just realized it was called “Riker’s Island” in an earlier Post article, which I foolishly copied without double-checking) for the next year (eight months with good behavior).
I say he’s out in six. Mos def.
Kyle Smith reviews a film, but not in the Pulse section! The review (New Damon Flick Slanders America) is in the POST OPINION section. He rips Green Zone apart for (among other things) expecting the audience to cheer for “Sunni officers who shoot down helicopters carrying American soldiers sent to assassinate them.” I should point out that Kyle didn’t have this problem with Avatar.
“As any reasonably informed person knows, many intelligence services… believed Iraq had WMDs.” Because we lied to them.
“Green Zone tells US troops that all of their efforts have been based on a deliberate deception.” Which any reasonably informed person knows is true.
“Green Zone isn’t cinema. It’s slander. It will go down in history as one of the most egregiously anti-American movies ever released by a major studio.” Now I wanna see it! Thanks, Kyle!
Rich Lowry deliberately lies about reconciliation in It Won’t Be Over and I wonder how he sleeps at night (besides alone).
Was the ABC/Cablevision feud just a practice run? Peter Lauria thinks so (‘ABC’ of TV battle: Time Warner Cable). Apparently, ABC’s deal with Time Warner Cable (the second largest cable provider in America) expires in August and they’ll be asking for more money (and then they’ll do the same thing with Comcast — the largest cable provider in America).
As far as what Cablevision forked over, the estimate is half of what ABC wanted ($20,000,000).
Time Warner Cable has already started trying to drum up support from their subscribers (in a recent e-mail they said, “With your support we will fight programmers who request excessive price increases.”).
Aren’t negotiations fun?
The Nets lost again last night (7-56) bringing their win percentage down to 11.1%.
They play Dallas (67.7%) tomorrow night.
Remember: No double-digits in the win column, guys!
Nick Johnson returned to the line-up yesterday (!) and went 0-for-2 (.), while Robinson Cano went 2-for-2 bringing his average up to .778 (!!).
The estimate for Oscar viewers is 41,000,000.
I’ll never understand that. Does anyone watch the Oscars alone (besides Rich Lowry)? How can you count viewers if everyone goes to an Oscar party? If 41,000,000 TV sets were tuned into it then the estimate should be well over 1,000,000,000, no?
I have four improv rehearsals to run in the next 72 hours.
Pray for me.
Not my finest hour in Oscar predictions, but I still got more right than wrong. Hooray.
And it turns out that Cablevision put ABC back on the air 13 minutes into the Oscars (though how subscribers would know that they did so remains a mystery to me — I guess they had to be watching the blank screen at the time).
Maybe I need to see The Hurt Locker again (I thought it was just OK the first time I saw it).
Or maybe I need to remind myself that the Oscars are like the Grammys (they ultimately mean nothing).
Ultra-Orthodox rabbis have declared that smoked salmon is no longer kosher (because of the parasitic worms it sometimes contains).
This is going to get ugly.
“I will keep governing until the end of the year. I will not be daunted or distracted by any forces.”
That’s “Governor” Paterson, who continues to claim that he is prohibited from speaking about the charges against him until after the investigations are finished.
“The governor is free to say whatever he wants.”
That’s from the Attorney General’s Office — the folks investigating him.
Your move, Magoo.
Linda Stasi though Neil Patrick Harris’ opening number at the Oscars was “truly terrible” (having not seen it yet, I can’t agree or disagree).
She also said this: “I especially liked [Steve Martin] having the nerve to say, ‘Anyone who works with Meryl [Streep] says the same thing — Can this woman act, and what’s up with all the Hitler memorabilia?’ Of course it took me about an hour to figure out what the heck it meant, but when I did, I laughed. I assume all it meant is he said the worst thing he could think of.”
Linda Stasi is becoming Dr. Steve Brule.
Over the last two years, New Yorkers (who pay their electric bill) have been overcharged an average of $40 ($157M POWER ABUSE). Investigators say it’s probably much more than that.
I guess the Con in Con Ed isn’t an abbreviation.
Sherri Perper, 56, of Queens, is suing Forum Novelties (Clown and out).
For Halloween in 2008, she bought a pair of their oversized plastic clown shoes to complement her Bozo costume. She tripped and fell and blames the shoes, which she calls “defective and dangerous.”
Which is what I call Sherri Perper.
Hey, Cindy Adams? Her name is Sherri Shepherd, not “Sherry Shepard.”
Why aren’t you dead yet?
A woman was arrested for public intoxication in Owensboro, Kentucky. As she changed into her jail uniform, she squirted breast milk at a female deputy, hitting her in the face. Which is why the woman is also being charged with third-degree assault.
Ah, Kentucky.
Michael Allegretti, 31, is a climate lobbyist (focusing on “clean energy”). He’s also running against Staten Island Rep. Mike McMahon as a Republican.
Fun fact: Allegretti’s family runs Bayside Fuel Oil, which has been cited for “a string of [oil] spills” in the Gowanus Canal. Michael owns a stake in the company.
Good luck, Michael!
Mandrea!
She just can’t stop attacking Eliot Spitzer for his sexual indiscretions (U’NIQUE ATTITUDE ON ‘OK’ CHEATING).
Apparently, Mo’Nique has an open relationship with her husband. “If Mo’Nique and Eliot are cool with open marriages, and Silda [Spitzer, Eliot's wife] isn’t thwacking her hub with a golf club, should we care? Oh, right. Prostitution is illegal.”
And Ashley Dupre is your co-worker.
ABC took out another full-page ad (on page 27) urging people to switch from Cablevision to FiOS, DirecTV or AT&T’s U-verse.
I can’t wait to hear the details of last night’s ABC-Cablevision settlement.
Adam Brodsky writes my new least-favorite op-ed piece of all time, Hike MTA Fares Now.
Why? Because if straphangers have to pay more, then they might finally pressure the MTA to stop awarding outrageously expensive contracts to companies that have repeatedly proven that they won’t/can’t do what they’re being paid to do.
Shut up, Adam Brodsky.
CORRECTION: In the comments section a few days ago, I mentioned that Ted Williams’ lifetime batting average was .406. That is incorrect. He hit .406 in 1941, but his lifetime average was .344. He is, however, the last player to break .400.
I regret the error and beg your forgiveness.
The Yankees are now 1-4. The Mets are 5-2.
In a related story, up is down and left is right.
A new episode of House tonight? Yay!
Hopefully it’s back for a while and won’t be followed by three weeks of repeats.
If you are hungry in Park Slope, I highly recommend Belleville. The folks took me and the Mrs. there last night and it was one of the best meals we’ve had in a while (not that we’ve been lacking for good food; it’s just that Belleville is incredibly good).
Turkey got hit by a 6.0 earthquake.
Haiti, Chile, Taiwan, Turkey.
Which two seven-letter countries are next?
Not literally. Yesterday’s Scrabble For Cheaters event was wonderful (free babka!) and, as luck would have it, someone showed up partnerless. I volunteered my services and wound up competing.
I helped my partner use up all of his letters (to spell GENIUS, no less), but the opposing team played their Refuse A Word cheat (forcing him to remove his letters and lose his turn). Then one of the shrews we were playing against used all of her letters and won the game. What I found out twenty minutes later (after my partner had left and the game was official) was that their Refuse A Word cheat should have counted as their turn and I should have been the next person to go (each player had their own rack and tiles). Had that happened, I would have used all of my tiles and we would have won (I only had four left).
I wuz robbed.
Teresa and Jane, on the other hand, went from 1-in-30 to 1-in-4. Sadly, they were knocked out in the semifinals, but that’s still pretty damned good. As was the babka.
Other news from yesterday: The Sanitation Commissioner budgeted $38,300,000 for snow removal for this winter season. They spent $47,700,000 before the last two snowstorms (which “are expected to add up to another $20,000,000″ to the total price tag).
They’re changing the face of Ben Franklin on the $100 bill (thankfully NOT to Ronald Reagan… yet). I hope they give him sunglasses.
“Governor” Paterson “vowed he would be cleared and faulted the media for his woes.”
Churlie Hurt writes an irritatingly venomous piece called O can’t handle the truth! which includes such snark as, “[Obama] had the luxury of going to elegant parties, where he gallantly smoked cigarettes and held forth with idle chatter about the incomprehensibly grotesque manner in which America was fighting this war on terror.” and “Now that the weight of protecting this country falls to him, Obama is not so smug and enlightened anymore.” Churlie calling anyone smug is like Conrad Bain calling someone Conrad Bain.
Cablevision took out a full-page ad on page 8 blaming ABC for the impending blackout.
Two NYPD officers, a retired officer and six other men tried to steal $1,000,000 worth of fancy perfumes. And they might have gotten away with it if a) the cops didn’t use their real ID to rent the vans, b) they didn’t flash their badges and yell “Police!” when they were robbing the warehouse where the perfume was kept. As one law-enforcement source remarked, “Mastermind is not applicable in this case.”
Billy Corgan on Courtney Love: “I have no interest in supporting her in any way, shape or form. You can’t throw enough things down the abyss with a person like that.”
Billy Corgan on Jessica Simpson: “If people knew her like I knew her, they would love her like I do. It’s really simple.” And by it’s, he means she’s.
Rep. Eric Massa (D) is resigning after being hit with a harassment claim by a male staffer. Massa was quick to accept responsibility… kind of. “There is no doubt in my mind that I did, in fact, use language in the privacy of my own home and in my inner office that, after 24 years in the Navy, might make a chief petty officer feel uncomfortable.”
A rabid otter attacked a 96-year-old man in Venice, Florida. Seriously.
ABC has their own full-page ad on page 13 blaming Cablevision.
“A Michigan court tossed out an assault conviction after the judge in the original case failed to make the jury swear to God to return an honest decision. Timothy Becktel will get a new trial, instead of 15 years in jail for nearly beating a man to death.” Nice job, Michigan.
“An item in yesterday’s Media Ink column incorrectly referred to ‘the late’ Bob Guccione Sr. Guccione is still alive.”
Movies without any blurbs in their ads: The Crazies and Brooklyn’s Finest.
The Nets lost again (6-55).
The Yankees lost again (1-2).
The Nets DON’T have the worst record ever! The 1972-73 Sixers were 4-57 after their first 61 games! Try (less?) harder, Nets!
Joba Chamberlain’s current ERA is 33.75 (I’m trying to remember who it was that insisted he should remain in the bullpen… oh, that’s right — it was me).
Actual letter to Parade magazine:
“I hear Avatar is the highest-grossing movie ever. True?” – Rachel Street, Mahomet, Illinois
Actual (factually incorrect) answer: “Not yet.”
The lack of love for Paterson continues in today’s paper. The front page claims he Picked himself as Eliot’s No. 2 and that his Own father opposed him and how his Aides ignored ethice red flags. If he doesn’t resign by the end of next week, things is gonna get ugly.
Poor D’Angelo.
He offered an undercover policewoman $40 for oral sex yesterday morning at the intersection of Greenwich and Horatio in the West Village.
Oops.
Juan Gomez, 23, “beat, bit and head-butted his 13-week-old daughter — breaking 17 ribs and lacerating her liver.” He also broke her ankle. Why?
“I grew frustrated because she wouldn’t stop crying.”
Anyone want to guess how long his sentence winds up being? Five years? Seven? Anyone?
Michael Goodwin claims that There’s no time for terror in Bam’s busy day.
Go fuck yourself, Mike.
Is Mariah Carey pregnant?
Do you care either way?
In addition to a Ben Stiller/Sacha Baron Cohen Avatar sketch, the producers of tonight’s Academy Awards have also 86ed a number of Tiger Woods jokes that they “deemed too rude.”
Will New Yorkers like this seemingly watered-down broadcast? Well, if they’re Cablevision subscribers, they won’t get a chance to see it. At midnight last night, the signal disappeared from Cablevision’s lineup.
Speaking of which, I never got around to listing my picks. Here they are:
Actor: Jeff Bridges
Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz
Actress: Sandra Bullock
Supporting Actress: Mo’Nique
Animated Feature: Up
Art Direction: Avatar
Cinematography: Avatar (possible upset: The White Ribbon)
Costume Design: The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (which is spelled wrong on the “official ballot”)
Directing: Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
Documentary Feature: The Cove (possible upset: Food, Inc.)
Documentary Short: The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant
Film Editing: District 9
Foreign Language: The White Ribbon
Make-up: Star Trek
Score: Up
Song: Crazy Heart
Animated Short: Logorama
Live-Action Short: Instead of Abracadabra
Sound Editing: Avatar
Sound Mixing: Avatar (possible upset: Transformers)
Visual Effects: Avatar
Adapted Screenplay: Up In The Air
Original Screenplay: Inglourious Basterds (possible upset: Up)
Picture: Avatar (possible upset: Precious or The Hurt Locker)
If Lee Daniels wins an Academy Award, I promise you this: I will never watch or speak of the Oscars ever again.
Deborah Mortley is a gym teacher at Life Academy HS for Film and Music in Bensonhurst.
She allegedly “choked and punched” a 10th grader last week. The victim was then suspended. Students and school staff complained that the wrong person was being punished and Mortley was sent to (you guessed it) a “rubber room.”
When asked if the allegations against her were true, Mortley told a reporter, “Go ask your mother.”
Regurgitate Genitals (sorry, Ralph Peters) reminds us You can’t win hearts, minds of radical Islam. But, oddly enough, he doesn’t mention Bush or Cheney or any of the folks who started both of the wars we’re currently fighting. Funny, that.
Jason Vuic wrote a book called The Yugo: The Rise and Fall of the Worst Car in History.
I wasn’t aware that it had ever risen.
ASK ASHLEY!
My boyfriend travels all the time with his friends and never asks me to go with him. I want to be doing things with him rather than living separate lives. Do I have a right to feel as I do or am I just being needy? — Jennifer 28, Manhattan
ASHLEY: “There are plenty of guys out there who will include you in their lives.”
ME: “Especially at Ashley’s prices.”
I just got out of rehab and I want to reconnect with my sister. I’ve been out of her life for a really long time due to drugs and being in and out of trouble. I left when we both were teenagers, so I worry I won’t be able to get our relationship back. How should I go about re-entering her life? — Rob 27, Queens
ASHLEY: “I’d suggest taking her to a movie and then for a bite to eat after.”
ME: “Break into her house and ask her if she has any drugs.”
I have a problem. I LOVE my vibrator. But because it’s so strong, I’m sort of losing sensitivity down there. Is this normal? What do I do? It’s getting harder for me to climax during sex, which is why I use a vibrator in the first place. Help! — T.B. 25, Manhattan
ASHLEY: “It’s time for you to go back to the good old-fashioned way of pleasing yourself.”
ME: “I agree. Sleeping with married men for money is the oldest profession in the book — for a reason. It’s good, old-fashioned, pleasant sex.”
(spit take)
The Nets beat the Knicks last night! By twenty points! They made it to seven wins (and fifty-five losses)!
Damnit, guys, you have to keep losing! No double-digit in the wins column!
If you’re going to be this awful, you might as well be the worst, no?
Toronto Blue Jay Zach Zinicola beaned Francisco Cervelli during yesterday’s game. Cervelli got a concussion.
Insult to injury: It was Francisco’s 24th birthday.
Happy Beanday, ‘Cisco!
Happy Sunday, peeps!
When you find out who’s voicing the cool mule (Jackie A), it will all make sense.
Happy Saturday!
The Post tries to be helpful today by printing up a letter of resignation for “Governor” Paterson. Sadly, their four-enormous-word headline is missing a comma (JUST SIGN IT DAVE!). Page 4 contains THE POST’S HANDY GUIDE TO GOV. PATERSON’S SCANDALS and page 5 explains that Peter Kauffmann (Paterson’s Communications Director) has resigned (“as recent developments have come to light, I cannot in good conscience continue”).
Sherr-una (is that name a song by the Knack?) Booker has fled the country (according to her brother). No word on whether or not the single mother took her son with her.
And Al Sharpton’s Summit At Sylvia’s II (This Time, All of My Sides Will Be Mac and Cheese!) ended with Sharpton telling reporters, “Most of us in the room strongly felt the governor should stay.”
Which I assume was followed by him mumbling “the fuck away from us” under his breath.
MTA chief Jay Walder said yesterday that the proposed service cuts are “tearing my heart out.”
If only.
There’s a fairly large piece on page 3 about how actual cops lament how Brooklyn’s Finest isn’t factually accurate (Real Finest rip reel ‘Finest’). Retired detective James Killen says, “It’s more of liberal Hollywood trashing the people who protected people who want to be protected.”
I’m sure it would make sense if I drank a gallon of cheap hooch.
The Vatican is launching an iPhone application in early April.
In a related story, this.
Hamas has banned men from working in women’s hair salons in Gaza.
Will a little bit of Bosom Buddies sprinkled in, this could become the Middle East’s most popular new sitcom (Gaza Life Is A Drag, perhaps?)
Susan Uman of Manhattan is suing Netflix and Warner Bros. because they’re “colluding to keep newly released DVDs out of rental circulation for 28 days to boost sales and pay-per-views.” She cites The Informant! and The Box as examples.
1) You could have seen both of these films many months earlier in the theaters.
2) Are you that fucking lazy and starved for entertainment that an extra month of waiting for a movie is worth suing over?
3) The Informant! was just OK and The Box is awful. You should be suing Warner Bros. for not keeping The Box off the market longer.
Pepperidge Farm is suing Gymboree over their “Little Goldfish” infant apparel.
I just looked on Gymboree’s website and the goldfish I saw there had eyelashes. And weren’t edible.
The defense rests, your honor.
There have been a number of violent attacks in Chuck E. Cheese’s across the country recently. So it shouldn’t surprise anyone that their Harlem location (or any other location for that matter) has posted Rules of Conduct for their customers to obey (examples: “No obscene, offensive or hostile language or gestures.” and “No gang-type conduct or behavior, including verbal slogans, greetings, hand signs or intimidation.”). Better safe than sorry, right?
Wrong, if you’re the Post. “Harlem’s Chuck E. Cheese is now a maximum-security play penitentiary. As they enter the arcade and pizza parlor ‘where a kid can be a kid,’ parents and their young children are given a list of prohibitions more stringent than Riker’s Island’s.” Then take your kids to Riker’s if you value your freedom to wear gang colors over the enforced safety of your kids.
I hate this paper so much.
The Dalai Lama has joined Twitter.
He already has over 140,000 followers.
OMG. LOL.
Let’s take a moment to think about Kim Yoo-chul, 41, and Choi Mi-sun, 25.
They met in a South Korean chat room, learned they both “shared a role-playing addiction” and fell in love. They had a child last June.
Their favorite thing to do online was “care” for their virtual baby in a game called Prius. In fact, they spent up to 12 hours every day “caring” for it.
Last September, their actual living 3-month-old daughter starved to death.
Kim Yoo-chul and Choi Mi-sun, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, boy.
Some of the folks who have had their gas pedals fixed by Toyota are saying that the problem hasn’t actually been fixed.
I never thought I’d see the day when buying an American car was the safest thing to do.
Snoop Dogg won his court case to be allowed back into England (he was banned in 2006).
The British government is considering an appeal.
Congrizzatulizzation, Snizzoop.
Someone shot two police officers at the Pentagon last night.
That story (2 Pentagon cops shot) is on page 15. Right next to the six-times-as-big NAOMI’S PITIFUL BRAKE JOB.
Good grief.
John McCain and Joe Lieberman’s new bill (the McCain-Lieberman bill) would have all “high value” terrorists tried in military courts. It would also strip “enemy combatants” (referred to as “unprivileged enemy belligerents”) of being read their Miranda rights.
Good luck with that, guys.
According to Page Six (today on page 18), Mick Jagger slept with Angelina Jolie while she was married to Jonny Lee Miller.
Nice rep you’ve got there, Angie.
A dolphin swimming in the East River? Now I’ve seen everything!
Charlie Honadel of Staten Island, Joe DePascale of Brooklyn, Tony Stells of Manhattan and Paul Bloustein of Cincinnati all write in to insult Al Gore and show the world that they don’t understand the concept of global warming.
Well done, guys!
Movie Reviews!
Lou Lumenick gives The Secret of Kells three and a half stars (A visual feast — just add Celt).
Kyle Smith gives Brooklyn’s Finest two stars (Send it back to the academy).
V.A. Musetto gives Harlem Aria one star (It has wrong tenor), most likely due to the absence of Asian breasts.
Pete Hammond calls Alice in Wonderland “MAGNIFICENT!”
Good luck tonight, Nets!
The Struggle For Seven Wins continues!
Nick Johnson, who has been on the disabled list nine (9) times in his career (and missed all of the 2000 and 2007 seasons from injuries), hurt his back during batting practice yesterday.
The Yankees have a new Carl Pavano.
Somewhere, Johnny Damon is giggling.
Sarah Palin is pitching TV shows.
This is what she meant by “doing more to help real Americans.”
You. Betcha.
Who Do You Think You Are? on NBC at 8:00 tonight will see Sarah Jessica Parker tracing her family’s ancestry.
And possibly visiting the stables where it all began.
Happy Friday, everyone! And thanks again to everyone who donated to Teresa and Jane’s Scrabble for Cheaters team. They’re up to $790.06! And tomorrow is the big day!
Which means tonight will be a Scrabble marathon. I can’t wait!
Hooray for Friday!
STRIKE 3
Gov lied about $6,000 Yankee World Series tix in latest scandal
The first strike was the Aqueduct deal. The second was the Sherr-una (is that name a Don Martin sound effect?) Booker scandal. The third one — the one that the Post insists demands his resignation — is that he “improperly solicited $6,000 worth of free Yankee tickets” and lied about it under oath (and then issued a backdated reimbursement check with a questionable signature on it). MORE INSIDE (unnecessarily announces the front page) including Michael Goodwin (Dave needs truth serum) and Charlie Rangel (‘Quits’ in disgrace).
Frankl, I don’t care about the Yankee tickets. Show me all of 9iu11ani’s receipts and I’ll muster some outrage. Until then, how about we focus on the actual no-foolin’ criminal activities (strikes 1 and 2)?
Al Sharpton has called another emergency meeting today in Harlem (methinks he just wanted an excuse to go back to Sylvia’s) to decide whether or not to seek Paterson’s resignation (but not to ask Smith and Meeks where all the money they raised went). Goodwin’s “article” (Dave needs defib-rillator) (which is it, Mike? does he need truth serum or a defib-rillator?) is exactly what you’d expect from Mr. Sour Badpuns (“If nothing else, the gov is The Lyin’ King.”). And Maggie Haberman’s Eliot: Why I liked ho’s fails to mention the name of the ho (hint: she’s a columnist for the Post and her name rhymes with Gashley Dupre), but does explain why Spitzer says he doesn’t want to run for office again (“I just couldn’t do that to [my family]. It would be day after day of the ugly stuff.”). Like, say, a page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six, today on page 16) article titled Eliot: Why I liked ho’s.
I JUST DON’T CHAIR ANYMORE tells us that Rangel “said his departure was temporary, although most observers believe he will never return.” God, I hope they’re right. Fare-ill (my opposite of farewell), Raspy C.
Page 2’s Bam pushes pols on health: Vote already! contains the phrase “…President Obama yesterday urged Congress to jam through a health-care reform package…”
Allow with “professor” and “TelePrompTer,” “jam through” is a favorite meme of the Right (who are more often than not Wrong). “Jam down our throats,” “ram through,” “ram down our throats”… it’s a great way of implying that this is happening without the support of the majority. If only that were true.
I just had a great idea for a show on the Food Network. It would be called The Ache of Cakes and it would air immediately after The Ace of Cakes. I would eat an entire cake during the first 20 minutes and then I’d complain about how awful I feel for the last 10. It practically writes itself! Spin-offs could include The Why (Did I Just Do That) of Pie, Wary of Dairy, The Ooky of Cookies, and Making Hurts!
Page 3 informs us that Johnny Depp’s partner of 12 years (Vanessa Paradis) found out that Depp and Angelina Jolie were filming a “passionate love scene” for their new movie The Tourist and is demanding that he quit. “Sources” claim that Depp is trying to do just that and Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio are being sought as his replacement.
Nice reputation you have there, Angie.
Update: Naomi Campbell hit her driver in the face with his cellphone. He tried calling 911, she grabbed the phone and beat him with it. He pulled over and found a cop, but when they got back to the limo, Campbell had disappeared.
More update: The driver isn’t pressing charges.
What. The. F.
A coyote loose on the Lower West Side of Manhattan? Now I’ve seen everything!
The courthouse is still closed (due to Tuesday’s fire), so Lil Wayne won’t have to start his prison stint until Monday (at the earliest).
I wonder how much time he’ll get for setting the courthouse’s basement on fire…
Undercover reporting just get a whole lot annoyinger (Cab gab sparks static)!
The Post sent Amber Sutherland into one of those cabs that people share to pretend to fall asleep on a fellow passenger’s shoulder, sing karaoke, borrow a tissue to blow her nose (and then try to give it back)… well done, New York Post. Your investigation proved that people don’t like it when Amber Sutherland does those things. But you forgot to label the article an EXCLUSIVE! And a WASTE OF TIME!
An air traffic controller (Glenn Duffy) at JFK let his 7-year-old (and even younger daughter) radio instructions to five pilots over two days last month.
Feeling safer yet? Me, too!
Page Six (today on page 16) tells us that Michael Crowley “had spend six weeks following [Harold] Ford [Jr.] around.”
Huzzah to the proofreader!
Our Philadelphia correspondent forwarded me a story from the New York Times, but I was waiting for the Post to cover it before sharing it. Today they did — in their Weird BUT true section. A soldier in the Israeli army posted details of a terror raid he was to be a part of on his Facebook page, causing the raid to be called off. OMG. LOL.
(Jed Resnik likes this.)
Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger retired yesterday after 30 years with US Airways.
To commemorate the retirement, US Airways flew a plane into the Hudson.
It’s good to know that one of North Carolina’s elected officials is so concerned with jobs and health-care reform and the wars we’re fighting that he has proposed putting Ronald Reagan’s prunesque face on the $50 bill. Need I add he’s a Republican?
In a related story, this:
Maybe the GOP could change their animal from an elephant to a hippo (crit)?
B’also, doesn’t it sound like the narrator said “another Black guy on the Legislature”?
Another full-page ad from ABC on page 23.
Will Cablevision fold before the Oscars?
Cindy Adams claims that Russell Brand will star in a remake of Arthur.
Please let Liza Minnelli reprise her role! Or let David Gest do it!
Mandrea!
The city is losing some of its soul is about… the Jehovah’s Witnesses leaving Brooklyn?!?
“The city will benefit from tax revenue once [their] buildings go condo. But who will replace these quiet and industrious souls? We’ll miss you.”
Sorry. I have to stop reading this shit.
Four people were arrested at last night’s public meeting regarding MTA service cuts.
Sadly, no MTA employees were injured.
Hulu’s future in limbo after Viacom pulls plug… maybe they should charge people money for what they have left on their site! Boffo!
Lou Lumenick has an early review of Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland (Looking glass half-full). He gives it two and a half stars.
The Nets lost again last night (they were down 20 points at the end of the first quarter). I was wrong, however — their win percentage is not below 10%. It is 10% (6-54).
Their next game is against Orlando (42-20) on Friday, followed by the Knicks (21-39) on Saturday.
The Struggle For Seven Wins continues!
I want to go to a Nets game and start a “What’s! That! Smell!” chant.
Steve McMorran’s CADDIE FLACK on page 69 is almost the exact same article as BAD ‘LIE’ ENRAGES CADDIE on page 19, which was written by… Steve McMorran!
All the news that’s fit to print twice.
The Yankees’ spring training game against Pittsburgh ended with a walk-off home run from Colin Curtis (I have no idea who you are, but welcome to the Yankees, Colin!). Chad Gaudin, Sergio Mitre and Alfredo Aceves each pitched two innings. Combined, they gave up one hit.They gave up no walks and each earned a strikeout.
I loves me some baseball.
Linda Stasi on tonight’s hour-long episode of The Office: “[It] not only jumps the shark, it drowns the poor thing.”
While that isn’t technically a mixed metaphor, it also doesn’t make any sense.
Bobby Slayton has a Showtime special on tonight at 9:00 (Born To Be Bobby). He’s always been one of my favorite stand-ups. Watch it if you can. And if you can’t, might I suggest Kitchen Nightmares, you donkey?
Thanks again to everyone that has donated to Teresa and Jane’s Scrabble For Cheaters team. They’re up to $786.00! Woot!
(The rule of threes dictates that I provide the link again: http://www.826nyc.org/scrabble/cheats/team.php?team=21)
Have a wonderful Thursday!
Jay Leno has returned to The Tonight Show. I made it through the premiere’s intro (a Wizard of Oz parody) before remembering why I never watched it the last time around. Last night, Jay had Sarah Palin on to insult the POTUS and pretend she has ideas. Then she did a stand-up set. I’m not kidding.
It was absolutely painful (way to step on the “or else” punchline someone wrote for you, you idiot). I will not provide you with proof (the fewer people who see it, the sooner it will disappear from memory), but I will provide you with Howard Stern’s take on Jay Leno.
I’m amazed he didn’t ask Harry Smith to take off his top.
A quitter and a(n alleged) hitter adorn today’s cover. Naomi Campbell (allegedly) repeatedly punched her chauffeur in the back of his head while he was driving (Driving Miss Crazy), and State Police Superintendent Harry Corbitt has resigned in the wake of the Sherr-una (is that name Mesopotamian?) Booker scandal (ALL THE GOVERNOR’S MEN).
Harry did the only respectable thing he could (at this point; not trying to convince a woman to not press abuse charges would have been far more respectable, but that ship has sailed). “Governor” Paterson, on the other hand, has been begging his colleagues for “more time” as the number of people calling for his resignation continues to grow. Bonus points: Paterson may be facing criminal charges.
The Black POTUS is destroying America by forcing us to have health-care reform, the Black supermodel can’t stop abusing her staff, the Black State Police Superintendent just resigned because the Black Governor of New York made him do illegal things… anyone else?
Charlie Rangel! He’s Black, too! And he might just be resigning from his chairmanship of the House Ways and Means Committee!
Thank God all of this didn’t happen three days ago (could even Black History Month have withstood all this negative press?).
But after weeks (if not months or years) of demanding that Charlie Rangel get some kind of punishment for his many many crimes, Churlie Hurt has decided that doing what he wants isn’t good enough — if it’s being done by Democrats (Dem rats deserting beach bum Charlie).
That’s right, now that some action is finally being taken, Churlie has decided that the people taking action are rats (they’re turning against their own kind!) and snakes (“Nothing makes these people slither faster than when their own self-interest is at stake.”).
“They are fleeing from him faster than do Christians a whore in church.” ZING!
Please take the stairs, Churlie.
But back to Naomi Campbell. Somebody needs to beat the shit out of her. Seriously.
I don’t condone violence against women, but this poor excuse for a human being has been physically assaulting her staff for ten years. The only way to (possibly) make her stop is to put her on the receiving end of the punches.
Her latest victim is Miodrag Mejdina, 27, who was driving her yesterday through Midtown. Apparently, she was angry that the driver wouldn’t gossip about Naomi’s boyfriend (who Miodrag also chauffeurs). So she “thwacked him repeatedly in the head with her fist… hard enough to send his head into the steering wheel — leaving him with a bruise under his left eye.”
In 2008, she assaulted a cop and got 200 hours of community service. In 2006, she scratched her therapist’s face (charges were dropped). Four months before that, she attacked her maid over a pair of lost jeans. Three months before that, she “pummeled” her housekeeper, pleaded guilty and got five (5) days of community service. There are plenty of other incidents, but never any true consequences.
Get some of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling together and show Naomi how she makes her staff feel.
Congratulations, Gowanus Canal! You’re now a Superfund site! You’re on the EPA’s National Priorities List!
Sorry, Toll Brothers. The 450 condos and townhouses you were planning on building nearby? Not gonna happen.
The cleanup should be finished in “at least a decade.”
(waves miniature Brooklyn flag)
Thanks to the generosity of our friends and family, Teresa and Jane have raised $641.00!
Only $4,359.00 to go!
(Here’s that link again, just in case anyone feels like donating today: http://www.826nyc.org/scrabble/cheats/team.php?team=21)
Michael Goodwin!
Disaster tale
“A wire-service story included the helpful insight that Secretary of State Clinton’s planned trip to Chile was ‘overshadowed by a massive earthquake.’ Yep, it was definitely inconvenient for her.”
Yeah, fuck that bitch! She was probably all “who cares about those beige people?” And “that earthquake inconvenienced me!” Am I right, Mike?
Now that Jim Bunning has been convinced to shut up, that unemployment extension can go through. But those effected by it are “likely to be awarded back pay once the program is revived.” That’s a shame. I would have preferred that they always thought of the money they could have had access to if not for Bunning’s chest-puffing.
That would have been a nice capper for his career.
Jonah Golberg outdoes himself by savaging Obama (He’s deaf to only voice of reason in cult of lackeys) and praising… Rahm Emanuel? I guess politics makes strange bedfellows, eh wot?
Hey, Teresa! Zoolander 2 is happening!
Lil Wayne was supposed to be sentenced yesterday, but a basement fire shut down the Manhattan Criminal Court. So he went to Jay-Z’s MSG concert last night (where Young Jeezy told him “We with you 100 percent.”) instead of Rikers Island.
The system works!
Hey, Cindy Adams! What can you tell me about Maggie Gyllenhaal?
“She said she’d call 4:30 p.m. She called exactly 4:30 p.m.”
Get in the box. Now.
Page 23 is a full-page ad from ABC instructing Cablevision customers how to change cable providers.
Cablevision isn’t bending, either.
Will the Oscars air in Manhattan?!?!?
Did the Chilean earthquake actually shorten the length of our days (by 1.26 microseconds!) and forever change the tilt of the earth’s axis?
(say it with me)
Apocalypto!
Page 27 is another full-page ad from ABC urging Cablevision customers to tell their cable provider, “Lose my shows, lose my business!”
This is going to be fun to watch the progress of.
Michelle Malkin returns with A Union Fat Cat as ‘Fiscal Watchdog’ and Ralph Peters gives us Betraying Freedom in Latin America.
Neither is worth your time.
Apple is now suing Google for patent infringement, hoping to block the importation of their Nexus One smartphones.
iHave no dog in this race (iLove m’Motorola Droid).
Comedy Central will be removing The Daily Show and The Colbert Report from Hulu.com starting March 9th.
They will still be available online, just not at Hulu.
I can’t wait for Hulu to start charging money!
Congratulations, Debra Zimmerman! Not only are you the Executive Director of the nonprofit Women Make Movies, but you also single-handedl prevented Shake Shack from opening on the corner of Prince Street and Mulberry Street!
You go, girl!
Disney is making Dumbo into a Broadway musical for some reason.
What a great idea!
I never saw this coming.
Allen Iverson will not play for the 76ers for the rest of this season (and probably forever).
DJ Steve Porter? Let’s talk about practice!
Still makes me laugh every time I see it.
The Struggle For Seven Games continues tonight for the Nets (6-53). They play Cleveland (47-14).
Can the 10.2% Nets beat the 77% Cavs?
Um… no.
Hey, Teresa! HBO has ordered 10 episodes of Game of Thrones!
And David Milch has a new HBO pilot! Dustin Hoffman stars as “a career criminal just out of jail with a gambling jones.” Dennis Farina co-stars and it’s called Lucky.
Will it be another Deadwood? Or another John from Cincinnati?
New Modern Family at 9:00 p.m. tonight (plus a repeat at 8:00) on ABC.
Watch it while you still can, New Yorkers!
And happy New Comics Day!
Went for my follow-up endoscopy this morning. Came home, drank coffee, napped, and am now ready to share my disdain for the New York Post with you all.
There has been a $20 bump in the total for Teresa’s fundraising. Many thanks, kids. It means a lot to us both.
(Just kidding — what do I care if kids can read?)
B’also? I just realized there’s a 2:00 p.m. showing of Shutter Island across the street. I am confident there are no bedbugs, as none of the 72 free Brooklyn papers have mentioned anything in months. I haven’t seen a movie in a theater in far too long. So… you’ll read this long after the fact, but know that I haven’t forgotten about you, nor am I neglecting you.
Daddy just needs to go to the cinema. That’s all. A review will follow later in the week.
What a mediocre movie! B-!
SMOKING GUN
Gov instigated cover-up of top aide’s ‘violence’
Yeah, I hate to agree with Post columnists/editorials, but maybe Paterson needs to just go away. Apparently, he “personally directed his press secretary to call [Sherr-una Booker] and tell her to downplay the violence when talking publicly.” And the violence allegedly included David Johnson choking her, as well.
On top of this new revelation, Paterson took a chopper to Albany yesterday, but never left his mansion.
Our fiscal year starts on April 1st (appropriately enough) and we have a $9,000,000,000 (that’s billion with a b) state budget defecit to discuss. It’s bad enough that he can’t do the job with dignity, but at least he could try to do the job. Or he could go away.
Eminent domain! In Brooklyn! Thanks, unnamed judge!
Turns out 12 private landowners who refused to sell to Bruce Ratner can suck it. Their property can (and most likely will) be seized. For the Nets.
Talk about adding insult to injury!
“Sneezing, congestion and runny noses from hay fever may be lasting longer because climate change could be extending pollen seasons, doctors in Italy say.”
Thus disproving global warming.
Harold Ford Jr. is NOT running for the US Senate.
Next up on the network vs. cable company fight card: ABC vs. Cablevision.
ABC/Disney wants $40,000,000/year more for their channels (currently Cablevision pays them over $200,000,000). Cablevision doesn’t feel like paying them that much (more).
Guess what channel this Sunday’s Academy Awards are on.
Fun fact: ABC’s contract with Cablevision expired over two years ago. They’re been re-upping it on a monthly basis. It’s like having a job at SNL!
NBC’s Today was all set to hold a complete Brady Bunch reunion (of the alive ones), but it was cancelled once Jan found out Marcia would be there (Marcia at a Brady Bunch reunion? WHAT ARE THE ODDS?). Jan is still angry that Marcia wrote a book that claimed the two actresses had a lesbian affair. Jan insists it never happened. Sam the butcher had no comment.
But how will Today fill their six-hour block now?
Horror stories are coming in from JFK airport (the runway was closed for one day and arrival delays AVERAGED an hour and 45 minutes).
If you plan on travelling this year, fly out of LGA.
Or drive.
O.J. Simpson is donating the suit he wore when he was acquitted of those murders he committed to the Smithsonian (O.J. suit is fit for museum).
“A Smithsonian spokeswoman said she doesn’t know if curators will accept the threads.”
Either way, Night at the Museum III just got a whole lot inappropriater.
Legislator Tom Cilmi (R – Suffolk County) is proposing the ban the sale of “booze-themed board games like beer pong to minors.”
Silly Republican, beer pong is not a board game. It’s a game you play on a ping pong table with a ping pong ball and plastic cups.
I propose that we pronounce his last name “kill me.”
Atrazine is a weedkiller. It also turns male frogs into females.
However, your lawn will look great (if you ignore all of the frogs shouting “hey, girl!” to each other).
Chynna Phillips filed for a divorce from Billy Baldwin on Friday after 18 years of marriage.
On Sunday she changed her mind (and decided to hold on for one more day).
Robert “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” Kiyosaki on Suze Orman: “I can’t believe this lady. No way in hell she believes what she teaches.”
Suze Orman on Robert “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” Kiyosaki: “At least… I did not lead millions of people down the path to lose all their money in real estate as you did. Shame on you.”
Oh, get a room.
Dick Ebersol is the guy who won the charity auction where the prize was Carly Simon whispering who “You’re So Vain” was written about in his ear (for $50,000). He says it isn’t David Geffen.
Case closed!
From today’s Cindy Adams thing:
I HAD the extreme pleasure — an excitement reserved for precious few mortals — of a private conversation with Howard Stern Himself.
Me: So? The latest on your maybe American Idol gig?
HS: “They’d have to pay me a huge load of money before I’d . . . “
Me: Yeah, yeah, we all know that line. You’ve said that everywhere. You have to tell me something different.
HS (annoyed): “No, I don’t. I don’t have to tell you anything at all.”
Me: Yes, you do.
HS (still annoyed): “Why?”
Me: Why? Because it’s me, that’s why.
HS: “OK, you want me to tell you something different? I won’t go on unless they dump Ellen DeGeneres. She’s a stiff. And they’d have to get rid of that no-talent Kara. I’d bring in all my own people. As for the lousy contestants, I’ll have a trapdoor that will open, plus an electric dog collar.”
His wife, Beth Ostrosky, said in horror: “Howard, she’s writing this down.”
Over 900,000 Toyotas in the U.S. also have faulty oil hoses!
Oh, what a feeling to drive… Toyota!
I watched the first three minutes of Jay Leno’s return to The Tonight Show. Wow.
And why’d you have to drag Betty White into it?
There’s a TV show called Ax Men. It’s about guys who cut down trees in Oregon (not my cuppa). Jesse Browning and his father are two of the stars. Jesse’s 4-year-old daughter was mauled to death by the family Rottweiler on Sunday.
Sunday also marked the four-year anniversary of the time police had to remove a Rottweiler from the family home after it bit one of the family members.
Maybe it’s time to buy a fish. Or one of those birds that says things like “Brock! Rottweilers will bite you or your loved ones! Brock!”
The National Organization of Women are demanding that White Plains Mayor Adam Bradley step down.
Bradley counters, “I did not in any way mistreat my wife.”
Most of the Middle East agrees.
For just $8.00/roll, you can now own glow-in-the-dark toilet paper.
(waves miniature American flag)
In Al’s Latest Global-Warming Whopper, Alan Reynolds claims Al Gore is “still citing predictions that science has disproved.”
Thus disproving global warming.
The Missouri Senate unanimously voted to rename the stretch of Interstate 70 that is currently “The Mark McGwire Highway.”
Might I suggest “The Drive Faster! You’re Still In Missouri! Highway”?
If I had cable, I could watch the Yankees play the Phillies tomorrow and Thursday. But I don’t. Oh, well.
(waves miniature Yankees pennant)
Fred Kerber says, “The Nets are a walking, talking, breathing (sometimes) version of Fenway Park. No lead is safe.”
Sounds more like Wrigley Field to me.
Linda Stasi’s review of Parenthood mentions that this is the second attempt to make it a TV show in its title (Third time’s still charming for Parenthood).
Her first sentence? “Parenthood, the drama that’s been redone more times than Joan Rivers’ face, is finally starting tonight…”
You’re still got it, Linda!
Now see a doctor.
The US/Canada hockey game was the Biggest hockey game in 30 yrs ratings-wise.
ABOUT
I read the New York Post so you don’t have to.
RECENT POSTS
RECENT COMMENTS
- jed on 11-9 (55%)
- No Face on 11-9 (55%)
- Avranil, Litru of the Trees on The Weekend is Tomorrow!
- jed on The Weekend is Tomorrow!
- Resa on The Weekend is Tomorrow!
Clicky here…
This month’s stats
687 | Unique Visitors |
