Archive for March 16th, 2009

I need to start watching the Today show ASAP.

16th March
2009
written by jed

Or at the very least, I need to break into someone’s house every week and watch The Soup.

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As seen on the IRC!

16th March
2009
written by jed

Today I will be posting on the IRC and then copying here. Hopefully this will be easier than I imagine (Go on, laugh, younger generation — I know how pathetic I must seem to you with my years-late appreciation of Facebook and my lack of HTML acumen).

Here goes nuthin…

OK. As soon as this post is finished, I’m-a post it at jedresnik.com (I tried to do that to earlier entries, but it seems I can’t post in the past. WordPress… so like reality).

Thus begins the final countdown (dee-doo-deeee-doooo).

I don’t have a job. Well, that’s not true. I write for two magazines. And I’ve been known to occasionally proofread other people’s work for money (and the chance to dress like a guest at a bar mitzvah). But I don’t have a 9-to-5 job. You know who does?

Ramez Akladious.

He was given a probationary taxi license in February 26, 2008. In that year and change, he has been arrested for:

Criminal mischief, assault for damaging side-view mirror on another driver’s car, then punching a man in the face on 05/15/08

Slashing the face of a passenger who accused him of taking an unnecessarily long route on 06/07/08

Punching (in the face) and threatening a passenger on 09/22/08

Driving drunk on 10/09/08

B’also? He’s been found guilty of:

No seat belt (01/23/08)!

Failure to signal (04/03/08)!

Disobeying traffic device (08/04/08)!

Running a red light (11/20/08)!

Obstructing traffic (11/20/08)!

And for all this he was fined $1,624 and had his license revoked on Friday.

But the Post warns that he might still be out there, driving his cab drunk, boxcutter in hand.

This could be the first time (since I’ve been reading it) that the Post ran a ghost story on their front page.

(They went on to say that if you look in a mirror and say “I said take this left!” five times fast (but in a condescending way), the next time you take a cab, the driver… will spend the whole time on the phone to Ghana!)

This is why Iraqis can’t have nice things.

A fan was so angry that an Iraqi soccer player was about to tie the game, he shot him in the head, killing him instantly.

Did the Post manage to fit “sudden death” into the headline? You betcha!

Even “Whatacolossal” Dick Cheney is jumping on the Bush-bashing bandwagon!

Now he’s complaining that I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby wasn’t pardoned. He’s mad that Bush left him “hanging in the wind.”

If only.

Scientists at the University of Virginia (tee-hee) have concluded that “the ability to reason, speed of thought, and spatial visualization all peak around 22 and start declining by 27.”

You hear that, my peers? 27 is the new senile!

Ben Bernanke predicts the recession will end in 2009.

Hey! That’s this year! YAYZ!

The White House (shouldn’t they change the name now that… never mind) is hopping mad at AIG’s passing along of $450,000,000 of taxpayer money to the fuck-ups that made it necessary to get taxpayer money in the first place — in the form of bonuses.

Good.

Yesterday’s Washington Post claims that Washington, D.C. has 15,120 residents who are HIV-positive (that’s 3% of the city’s population). They say this puts our nation’s capital “on par with Uganda.”

On the bright side, Bush’s leaving office made our country as a whole lot less like Uganda.

Will Tori Spelling’s new book come out before or after Candy Spelling’s?

Oh no! Which one will I not read first?

Are Justin Long and Drew Barrymore getting back together?

Sure, why not.

Did you know that Robert Redford has been engaged to Sibylle Szaggars since 1996?

Boy, that marriage looks like “a bridge too far,” huh?

See what I did there?

Ron Silver is dead? Really? Holy shit!

He was so good in… everything. Heat Vision and Jack. Timecop. Reversal of Fortune. Blue Steel. He was even good in that ghost-rape movie, The Entity.

Godspeed, Ron.

If only Tyra and her co-producers had requested police assistance for their tryouts on Saturday, no one would have been injured, says the Post. Oops. Looks like Tyra really is fierce (if fierce means stupid).

Reminds me of some advice I got as a child from the TV: “Remember, if Woody had gone straight to the police, none of this would have happened.”

Someone shot a woman in the chest with an arrow yesterday. In Riverdale.

Police are currently looking for Reggie.

There is a full-page ad for Suze Orman’s Learning Annex seminar. It’s only $14.95! That’s a savings of $35! The seminar is part of Moneyfest! And the title of her seminar? Grow and Bulletproof Your Money.

The ad promises that “The Up’s [sic] and Downs of the Markets No Longer Have to Affect You!”

What about grammar and the use of apostrophes?

I think I’ll save the whole $49.95 and stay home.

Dick Morris co-authored a piece called BOGGLED BAM, which almost rhymes with “gargled urine.”

UNBEFUCKINGLIEVABLE.

My wife is having surgery on April 1st (ha ha). Or she was. Turns out the scheduling person at her doctor’s office forgot to put Teresa’s surgery on the doctor’s schedule (oh, you mean her ONE JOB?). So now it’s being moved up a week.

Good thing she doesn’t have a bunch of pre-op appointments to reschedule.

Oh.

I’m glad I don’t know the address of the doctor’s office because I would be there in a heartbeat if I did. And I would be extra-yelly.

Again, I remain barely employed, but this “woman” will keep her “job.”

Sigh.

Manny Ramirez has aggravated his sore left hamstring. And everyone in Boston, New York and Los Angeles (at one point or another).

Posada’s doing OK. Marte and Cano go in for MRIs today.

Start the damn season already! I’m dyin’ here!

Disney is basing their new Jonas Brothers series on Flight of the Conchords.

The show is called JONAS (even though the Jonas Brothers play the Lucas Brothers for absolutely no reason).

I’m sure all the 8-year-olds will appreciate the nod to alternative comedy, Disney.

Speaking of Disney, how have they (and/or the Jonas Brothers) not sued South Park yet? Someone give me a raging clue. Please.

Gordon Ramsay just sold his Los Angeles restaurant, and is following it up with the sale of his restaurant in Paris.

You donkey.

OK. Be strong Teresa (and the rest uh yuzz). This bird’s gotta vacuum.

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