There is a photo of A-Rod on the front page. The headline is

I * you

sooo

much

But the * is a heart. And the photo (for Details) shows Alex admiring himself in the mirror. Well, maybe admiring isn’t a strong enough word. How about lustily eyeing? Dreamily yearning for? It really is off-putting (which makes Details and the Post the perfect places for it!). And it makes up 60-70% of the cover. The rest is an “oh, by the way” story about how Obama is going to try and get $165,000,000 in bonuses back from AIG. Their headline is O, NO YOU DON’T!

I imagine the editorial board of the Post is made up of 90-year-olds and every morning one of them asks, “What if we use ‘O’ like what Obama’s people call him sometimes, in the place of ‘Oh’ like what you say when you are surprised?” and everyone (who isn’t sleeping or dying) slowly nods their heads and then someone asks, “Can Kyle Smith write more things also?”

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Bonus: the author of the Details piece wherein A-Rod stares at himself in the mirror (and, no doubt, digs himself an even deeper grave when he actually answers questions) is Jason Gay.

Also? A-Rod told Gay (tee-hee) what his favorite Madonna song is, but then “frantically reached out to him after the interview” to retract it. I’m going to bet he said “La Isla Bonita.” In fact, that’s your new nickname, Alex: Pretty Island

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Mets tickets went on sale yesterday at Shiti (nee Citi) Field. You know how many people showed up to buy them? Nine.

NINE, Mougis. That’s just nine more sales than my last film, This Film Is Imaginary and Cannot Be Purchased, got.

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Oh, Mattel. How much bad press does one company need? Now parents are furious (furious!) about Mattel and Nickelodeon’s unveiling of the new, older interactive Dora doll. She has longer hair (!) and earrings (!!) and a necklace (!!!) and she’s wearng ballet flats (4 !s). Both companies assure fans that the character wll remain unchanged on TV and other media (and other dolls) – this is just a change for the interactive model. But parents are still furious.

Some have begun a petition titled “Let’s Go: No Makeover for Dora” (which I can only hope is less clunky in Spanish).

“Why are you picketing, Mommy?”

“Because I know how much you love Dora and I want to try and show the people who make her toys that…”

“No, Mommy, I mean why are you picketing in front of the MTV Networks building — to complain about one doll of hundreds — when there are so many more important issues to rally behind or against?”

“Go to your room.

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Remember the guys who hacked the road signs in Texas, Indiana and Illinois last month? Well, they’re here now!

Three signs were altered on Saturday near Houston Street. They read: PARTY AT JULIE’S (cute), NEW YORK IS DYING (deep), and SHIT BIRD ORL (typo?).

How come Texas got all the funny ones (RAPTORS AHEAD – CAUTION is damn funny)

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Is that Bernie Madoff’s mug shot or an actor playing Alice the Goon in Lars Von Trier’s upcoming Popeye reboot?

(sorry – can’t find the image online yet)

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Remember the moderate Iranian who was going to get re-elected and push Ahmadinejad out of the picture? Well, he just dropped out of the race.

2012, people. Ask the Mayans.

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My friend Bethany posted this elsewhere, but it bears reposting.

http://www.counterpunch.org/martens03162009.html

Very interesting stuff re: Jon Stewart and Jim Cramer’s little showdown.

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Dear Nancy Pelosi,

Stop making it so Goddamned easy for people to despise you.

Like, say, going to see Hair and dancing in the aisles and telling everyone how you know all the songs by heart.

I mean, why stop there? Why not carry burlap sacks filled with granola everywhere you go?

Sincerely,

I don’t have a plane

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I have never watched a single minute of Gossip Girl, but between reading about the cast on Page Six (on page 11 today) and seeing photos of them EVERY DAY in the paper, I feel like I know them.

I don’t, though. Except I know that one of them was born in a prison.

Thanks, “news” paper.

---

Meg Whitman wants to be the next governor of Cully-foe-knee-ah and is willing to spend roughly $50,000,000 to make that happen.

This may be my theater degree talking, but doesn’t that strike anyone else as a colossal waste of money? Now multiply that by the hundreds of elected positions people run for all over the country.

(waves miniature American flag)

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Adam Duritz demanded that he be bumped to first class on his flight from LAX to New York. Spent twenty minutes yelling at everbody. Was he arrested? Grounded? Asked repeatedly, “I’m sorry, who did you say you used to be again?”

Nope. He got bumped to first class.

I encourage everyone else in the world to try doing this. Let me know how it works out for you!

---

Bob Dylan’s neighbors in Malibu are angry at him for installing a portable toilet at his beach house. They say it smells. I say, “Why does Bob Dylan need a portable toilet? Is he really that lazy? Or is his beach house that gigantic?

---

Don Imus announced yesterday that he has Stage 2 prostate cancer.

We here at E…W. wish him a speedy and nappy-headed recovery.

---

Natasha Richardson (Mrs. Liam Neeson and a phenomenal actress) is in critical condition after being injured in a skiing accident in Canada yesterday. Traumatic brain injury is what they say she has.

She is 45, has two sons (12 and 13) with Neeson (they’ve been married for 15 years) and was hoping to bring A Little Night Music back to Broadway and star in it with her mother, Vanessa Redgrave.

What we said about Imus was obligatory. What we say about Natasha is absolute truth: Please pull through. You are a treasure and your family needs you. The world is a better place with you in it.

Also, everyone, stay out of Canada.

---

Taylor Swift tells Allure the reason she doesn’t talk about sex publicly:

“It’s fine to talk about love publicly, but I think when you talk about virginity and sex publicly, people just automatically picture you naked.”

Taylor? Guess what everyone reading that sentence just did.

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Oh, MTA. You are the worst everthing ever.

The new South Ferry station opened yesterday at 12:04 p.m.

It was flooded when a water main broke at Canal Street at 12:23 p.m.

The 1 line was shut down for 3 1/2 hours.

And fares will rise as service (against all odds) gets worse.

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In February, the Alabama National Guard was asked if an Austrian fashion writer could put on a uniform and train with them. They, naturally, said yes. The Austrian was Bruno (aka Borat aka Ali G).

If one (JUST ONE?!?!?) cadet hadn’t recognized Mr. Cohen and notified his superiors (anyone that doesn’t live in Alabama?), he’d probably be in charge by now.

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Madonna announced she wants to adopt another Malawian baby.

Wouldn’t it be great if she called the agency and they didn’t believe it was her?

“Hello, this is Madonna. I want another baby from Malawi.”

“Yeah, right. Very funny. Don’t call back.”

“No! Wait! It’s really me!”

“That is the worst most forced British accent I’ve ever heard, and I’ve directed high school theater.”

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A 50-foot sea monster’s fossilized remains were found in the Arctic. It is being called Predator X. Scientists say that he had a “bite force” of 16.5 tons per square inch, making his chompers more powerful than a T. Rex.

REMIX!

A 50-foot sea monster’s fossilized remains were found in the Arctic. It is being called Predator X. Christian Scientists say that the beast is over 200 years old and may have even fought at Agincourt.

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Rest in peace, Seattle Post-Intelligencer. Though you will live on online, for those of us that prefer to touch our news and draw mustaches on the pictures therein, your absence from the coffee shops will be felt.

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Pudge Rodriguez may wind up in Houston.

Joba’s doing what Joba’s s’pos’ta.

Cano’s got tendonitis (he’ll miss a week).

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The Sci-Fi Channel (aka The Sci-Fi Network aka Sci-Fi aka SciFi aka The This Movie Has To Have Been Made Intentionally Tongue In Cheek, Right? Channel) is being renamed. It will now forever be know as SyFy.

Please join me in pronouncing it “See-Fee” until such time as NBC Universal apologizes for this.

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So it’s official. Here’s where the journal will live from now on. The old one will remain at the IRC (click the link in my first post for years of hilarity), but for new stuff, you gotsta come here.

Thanks to all the folks who left comments and to everyone that links their blogs to mine. I plan on figuring that stuff out shortly, but we’re almost out of coffee and Teresa had to go to work today without almonds and she punched me real hard-like and what I meant to say is I fell.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!