Archive for March 19th, 2009

The headline and subheadline (Pussy whipped! Diva bashes lover – with her cat) accompany a photo of a man and woman I do not recognize. A quick peak at page 3 reveals them to be… Kenley Collins and Zak Penley. Apparently, she (Kenley) was a finalist on Project Runway (I hate going clothes shopping for myself. It’s worse when I’m standing around waiting for my wife. But a show where I get to see people fight over who gets to make more clothes that my wife can try on while I listen to Venezuelan electro-samba? What’s the opposite of “sign me up”?).

According to “sources,” Penley was sleeping in their apartment in Williamsburg (at 7:00 a.m.) and Collins threw one of their cats at him (at this time, it is still unclear whether the cat was Arlo or Sandra). Then she threw her laptop at him. Then she slammed a door on his head. Then he called the cops and then she threw three apples at him and doused him with water.

Penley is in a punk band called Shred Bundy. And if they hadn’t broken off their engagement, Ms. Collins would have become Kenley Penley. But, for now, she remains some lady on a reality show that I never watched and now I know her name (and who knows what brilliant bit of trivia is forever lost from my brain as a result).

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Her son is smiling. Her husband is smiling. These are photos taken of Natasha Richardson’s family as they return to their Upper West Side digs (after pulling the plug on Natasha). Among her hospital visitors were Meryl Streep, Joan Didion and Lauren Bacall. Among the opportunists who need to attach their names to her death are Lindsay Lohan (who was in The Parent Trap with her 11 years ago and told reporters, “She was a wonderful woman and actress and treated me like her own. I didn’t see much of her over the years, but I will miss her.”), and Regis Philbin (who lived in her building and opined, “It’s one of the saddest tings I’ve ever experienced.”).

I’m just glad that, before she passed away, she got to see her husband become a legitimate action star (she met him after Darkman) and guest star on The Simpsons. And the smiles on her son and husband? I didn’t mean to make them sound cold. Apparently there was a large crowd outside their apartment and I imagine that offered them some solace. When a loved one dies, it helps to know that others mourn their passing with you.

Natasha Richardson was a great actress. From what I read, she was a great wife and mother, too.

Our condolences go out to all the Richardsons, Redgraves and Neesons.

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A 2-year-old girl choked to death on a piece of carrot at her day care in Hicksville.

Oh no! Now that Hillary is secretary of state, who will demand warning labels for carrots???

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Chris Dodd is now accusing the Obama administration of “bullying” him into creating a loophole for the AIG bonuses. The administration denies it. Dodd has gotten over $280,000 in donations from AIG over the years (more than anyone else in Congress).

Shut up, Chris.

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The Post’s D.C. Bureau Chief, Charles Hunt (in yet another water-carrying Republican solo circle-jerk), laments that “As Rome burned this week, Obama was busy filling out his March Madness basketball bracket.”

Should I point out the mild racist undertone? The fact that the last guy, despite starting TWO wars and being in charge during the largest terrorist attack on our soil SPENT MORE TIME ON VACATION THAN ANY OTHER PRESIDENT? That referring to AIG’s bailout as a Congressional Ponzi scheme is duplicitous, disingenuous and sort of what Jim Cramer does for a living now?

Let’s just move on

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How long before someone makes a t-shirt that says, “My government gave away $180,000,000,000 of my money and All I Got was this lousy t-shirt.”?

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Marvin “Popcorn” Sutton killed himself.

He was the author of Me and My Likker, which chronicled his long life as an Appalachian moonshiner. He was supposed to go to prison for 18 months for moonshining. He was 62.

His tombstone bears no dates; there are only four words on it.

POPCORN SAID FUCK YOU

Amen, Marvin.

He is survived by his wife, Pam, and their son, Mark “Howard” Sutton.

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Mark Sutton is not actually related to Popcorn (though I have a feeling he wishes he were).

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Republicans are holding a lot of fundraisers for Andrew Cuomo. Is this to curry favor when he’s governor? Or to convince him to ease off of his current crusades (against their biggest fundraisers LOL!!)?

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Eric Holder, hero to college students everywhere, announced that federal agents will now target marijuana distributors ONLY when they violate both federal and state law.

California is stoked.

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So Radar magazine is no more. I had a subscription. I figured they’d refund me the unused portion (roughly $4?). Instead, I’m now receiving Star. While they both end in “ar,” this is like your subscription to Spy running out and having it replaced with Jane.

Anyhoodles, I saw a picture of Courtney Love and alls I can say is whoever worked on her eyes? Needs to be sued.

And did you know that Jessica Simpson hired someone to follow her around and be a “food cop” for her and stop her binge eating? B’also? She loves nachos!

Me, too!

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George W. Bush’s memoir (“What’s in the suitcase, Snake? Underwear? Your memoir?” “Yeah… my memories.” “Snake, could you be dumber?”) will hit shelves in 2010. It’s called Decision Points. And he is being paid $7,000,000 for it.

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And on Page Six (on page 15 today), there’s a picture of Jessica Szohr! From Gossip Girl! Holding a puppy and smiling! Does the Post own stock in the CW?

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Attention homosexuals and lonely women! Bravo will produce a Real Housewives of New Jersey show! That’s another hour of shallow women just for you!

I give Bravo two years. Then it will change its name to the OMG! network.

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The 73-year-old guy in Germany who’s on trial for keeping his daughter in a dungeon for 24 years (from 18 to 42) and continually raping her (she gave birth to seven kids in that time – one died in the dungeon) has decided that his trial can stop. He has seen the error of his ways. Josef Fritzl is pleading guilty. And may the Devil not have mercy on what passes for his soul. Or his nuts.

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The flying car is a reality. It will hit the market in 2011.

Great job, Terrafugia. Surely, this will lead to fewer car and plane accidents, no?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you one of the catalysts of Apocalypto!

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Hey, Mougis! David Wright broke his toe nail playing baseball

Your team is so vagified!

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I don’t think Aaron Boone’s coming back to the Yankees. He’s scheduling open heart surgery to replace an aortic valve.

Maybe he and La Isla Bonita and Barry Bonds can all hang out together!

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This is not a joke. No exaggerating, no de-contextualizing.

Dr. Drew Pinsky, host of Loveline and star of Celebrity Rehab, Celebrity Rehab 2, and Celebrity Rehab Presents Sober House, has just written a book called The Mirror Effect: How Celebrity Narcissism is Seducing America.

Does he take some of the heat maybe for, say, creating the aforementioned trainwrecks and, you know, seducing America with them? Nope.

“We figured out way [to get celebrities into rehab] — you put them on TV and you pay ‘em. We don’t care what their motivation is as long as we can get them in.”

Isn’t the first rule of overcoming addiction that the addict has to want to overcome it? Like, I haven’t smoked a cigarette in months and the temptation is there — the opportunity is also ever-present — but I don’t because I want a long life with my wife and because my stupid mayor priced me out of the smoking market.

How can someone who claims to be a fancy TV doctor not grok this? Or is he, too, Jim Cramerring? Yeah… never mind. Just answered m’own quezzie.

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The TV section has AN ARTICLE ABOUT GOSSIP GIRL.

Ready? No Doubt will be on the May 11th show but they’ll be called Snowed Out and it’ll take place in 1983 and they’ll cover Stand and Deliver by Adam and the Ants!

Wait… is Rupert Murdoch Gossip Girl?

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I’ll try to return and write a review of the new Last House on the Left later today. But in the meantime, I’ll try to hawk one. I’ll try to hawk one. In the meantime.

Peas!