Archive for March 20th, 2009

“Foxworthy looks like Magnum P.I. with AIDS.”

20th March
2009
written by jed

We watched clips of the Larry the Cable Guy roast last night. And once again, Jeffrey Ross (whose quote is today’s title) and Greg Giraldo stole (what we saw of) the show. I look forward to Gitting R on DVD.

The front page screams NO JOKE! with a photo of Obama and Jay Leno from the POTUS’ appearance on The Tonight Show last night. The cover goes on to further chastise my BPF with O yuks it up on Leno as economy burns which is really solid reporting. I remember when American soldiers were dying in a war based on lies and the then-president went to Crawford to drink Near Beer and come up with nicknames for his staff — boy, did the Post let him have it.

Wait. No they didn’t. Hurm.

I’ll get back to this in a minute. B’first?

New Jersey is about to get a whole lot bushier.

Officials there are proposing a ban on Brazilian waxes. Not wax from Brazil — the removal of all pubic hair from the nethers of a lady. Because two women got an infection from their Brazilian waxings.

Five bucks says Hillary Clinton is behind this. First she took our sucking candies… then our carrots…

Madoff’s wife was found at a Food Emporium on the UES, buying detergent and Deli Deluxe American Cheese. But when she saw all the photographers, she yelled, “Oh, this is crazy, forget this! Oh, very exciting. I went to the grocery store.”

It’s all about the context, Ruth. That you’re in a supermarket? Not exciting. That you may have been one of the masterminds behind why tens of thousands of families in this country now have nothing where they once had plenty? Exciting. Fotogs following you around and making you uncomfortable wherever you go? Necessary.

And if you don’t like it, remember that you live on the top floor of a building. Or I would be happy to send you some cheese. With detergent. Just have your butler call my butler. Better yet, when you pick up the phone to call me? Just strike the receiver against your skull as hard and as often as you can.

Andrew Cuomo just put together an indictment for Hank Morris, who faces 123 counts (including bribery, money laundering, securities fraud and much much more).

Morris is a (now former) consultant to the Democratic Party (and a longtime and influential one at that).

Also indicted is David Loglisci, the former state pension fund manager. They are accused of directing over $4,000,000,000 from the pension fund to private equity firms, venture-capital funds and businesses, in exchange for bullshit “placement fees.”

Loglisci also got $290,000 to help his brothers, Anthony and Steve, produce the movie Chooch. Seriously.

Well, that’s money no one will ever see again. In any form.

Over four dozen 9/11 survivors and their families staged a protest at City Hall yesterday. The city had declared that the medical claims of 4,600 uniformed cops, firefighters and paramedics who helped at Ground Zero (at the time and in the many months that followed) should be thrown out of court because those guys (and gals) don’t qualify for the same protections that ordinary “workingmen” (like mechanics) get.

On the one hand, there’s some shady shit going on with the NYPD/NYFD pensions and overtime and whatnot.

But on the other hand, every member of the New York Legislative branch that supports this action should be astonishingly ashamed of themselves.

Kenley Collins and Zak Penley will each keep one cat.

Wait. What? Didn’t someone just get a two-figure sentence for throwing a dog off a balcony? And this idiot gets to use one cat as a weapon and then keep the other?

If I didn’t despise cats and most of the people who own them, this would really piss me off.

Back to Obama (and all the horrible things he does).

1) The DVDs he gave Gordon Brown are the wrong region for British DVD players.

1a) Well, what with the economic crisis, maybe Obama was agreeing with this awful paper? Maybe this was his way of telling Brown that now is not the time to watch DVDs?

2) Obama has reached out to Iran.

2a) Good. I am afraid of them.

3) Charles “I am constantly asking to be” Hurt calls Obama’s filling out a March Madness bracket (and his appearance on The Tonight Show) a “foul joke on taxpayers.”

3a) Again, why are you so concerned all of a sudden with the work : play ratio of the POTUS? And if you truly believe that he (and we) needs to concentrate on the matters at hand (and not, you know, bullshit like the NCAA) THEN WHY DO YOU ALSO CRITICIZE OBAMA FOR NOT PUTTING DUKE IN HIS FINAL FOUR? It’s like the hack joke “The food is inedible and the portions are too small.”

4) Obama made a Special Olympics joke on TTS.

4a) I got nuthin. That’s just dumb. But the article on page 11 does point out that Obama’s filling out the bracket was due to a promise he made to ESPN’s Andy Katz before the election. So, again, fuck you, Hurt.

In order to make a name for yourself in politics, you have to have a hook. Something that sets you apart from the crowd. Sometimes you get ridiculed (Dennis Kucinich believes in UFOs), sometimes your audience grows exponentially (Pat Buchanan has repeatedly and vociferously denied the Holocaust took place).

Look for Staten Island Rep Michael McMahon in the years ahead. He was the only NY Democrat to vote against the bill that will retake the AIG bonuses. He told anyone who’d listen that he believes legislation shouldn’t be “dictated by the latest headlines.”

I bet his contribution kitty doubles in the next 24 hours.

What’s right with the following sentence:

Sean Stewart appeared on Judge Jeanine Pirro yesterday because he owed a personal trainer $5,000 and claimed his father (singer Rod) refused to pay — to which Pirro replied, “Your dad has a lot of money. Why is he so cheap?”

I can only assume Sean’s answer was, “probably because I’m the kind of son who would go on a show like this and air his allegedly dirty laundry. Also, how’s your husband doing, JP?”

Kristin Chenoweth has written a memoir wherein she recalls that security once had to remove a man from You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown because he has furiously masturbating during Kristin’s song, “My New Philosophy.”

And that man grew up to be Aaron Sorkin. And now you know…


…the rest of the story.

Josef Fritzl was given life.

Wrong gift, your honor.

They caught the guy that shot the arrow into that womn in Riverdale.

Turns out it was Aaron Sorkin.

Steve Lobel is suing Louis Vuitton. Who cares.

What’s interesting, though, is that the article claims that he’s the manager of Bone Thugs-n-Harmony and Nipsey Hussle.

Is Nipsey Hussle a man? A band? A canal?

I don’t know. I know that I was in an improv group in college called Nipsey’s Rustle. I know that when I was working on the National College Comedy Festival and tried to get him to be the honored guest, his manager laughed and hung up on me when I told him what it would pay.

And I know that Nipesy Hussle is a great name for whatever it is.

Cindy Adams (once again) tries her (brittle, dusty) hand at comedy:

“Barbie is now 50. Next up  has to be Divorced Barbie. She’ll come complete with a real estate license and yeast infection.”

Get in the box, Cindy.

Members of the staff at a high school in Dallas are being charged with… well, being Texans, I guess.

There’s an investigation into whether or not they would bring fighting students into a locker room and put them in a steel cage, where they would fight like the wrestlers on the picturebox. Except for real.

Please secede. President Norris would be a real good fit for you. Please. Secede.

Bill O’Reilly has proof that Cheney didn’t run a secret assassination squad out of the White House (as Seymour Hersh claims). “If Cheney really had such a crew, Hersh would have been dead a long time ago, and so would most everybody at MSNBC.”

Wow. I had no idea O’Reilly sees Hersh and MSNBC in such high regard.

Tool.

Kyle “The remake of The Last House on the Left is actually really good” Smith gives I Love You, Man two stars and claims that “watching this movie is like listening to Michael Jackson tell you what real men are like.” Which I’d imagine is not a 2-out-of-4 star experience, but OK. He gives Knowing one and a half stars and decries, “The movie begins shameless, grows stupid and winds up silly. If the end had less of the air of a crackpot religion and more pretentiousness, you could call it Shyamalanish.”

Is he paid by the star? Like, what has to happen for a movie to get no stars?

And on page 61, my question is answered – Adam West has to appear as himself.

Super Capers gets zero stars from Kyle.

Mariano retired the side with five pitches last night.

Come on, new season, giddy up!

VH1 will be revamping Behind the Music. What’s wrong, guys? Did you run out of waitresses with chlamydia that want to fight for the honor of touching some old musician’s filthy junk?

Might you… show music videos again on Video Hits One?

Nah.

How very gladitorial.

American Idol’s new Judges’ Save rule gives contestants a chance to beg for a second (third? fourth? what week is it?) chance. When you’re being voted off, you get to stare at the three (well, three and a half if you count Paula) judges while singing your song again. The producers say that Alexis Grace’s fear and pain meant big numbers when she feverishly tried to beg her way back (and failed).

They loved the “extremely raw moment.”

Which I assume is a reference to the realization that you have crabs.

It’s so damned late! Teresa had the day off today, so we stayed up late and slept waaaaay in today. And tonight? The Room!

Happy weekend almost!

11 Comments
Dailies