Archive for March 22nd, 2009

Well, if it isn’t Bill Friggit…

22nd March
2009
written by jed

My IO team, Genealogy, rehearsed from 9-12 a.m. every Saturday morning. I’d get up at 7:30, catch the Clark Street bus to IO and have a nice quiet breakfast at the Salt and Pepper next door (with the surprisingly easy Chicago Tribune crossword and much bacon). My teammates began to notice that I was always well-fed and coffeed up for rehearsal, and eventually the breakfast became more of a team ritual. One could argue that our rehearsals began at 8:00.

I was blessed to have the first team I was put on at IO last almost three years. And I was blessed to play with my good friends. And I am blessed that I am still in contact with most of them (especially someone whose name rhymes with bacarthur-dirtybun). For some reason, as I began typing today, I recalled one morning where our coach (Kevin Mullaney, who rarely joined us at the S&P) got particularly angry at us. We were having a sloppy rehearsal, cracking each other up, not really focusing.

“Look guys, you’re not showing the audience who these people are. You’re just being talking heads. Let’s start again and this time, let me know who these people are.”

I walked onstage and so did Eric (or was it you, Mac?) and as his mouth opened to speak, I said, “Well, if it isn’t Bill Friggit, the deaf Black midget.”

Mullaney stormed outside (to hide his laughter) and the rest of us laughed so hard, the bottles of watered-down hooch rattled behind the bar.

No idea why I thought of that (other than the title I wanted to use for today’s post was too long – “Everybody wants to be a Guitar Hero, but no one wants to learn the chords.” – Bill Maher).

Decisions, decisions.

What do you put on the front page? American journalist Laura Ling, sister of Lisa Ling, has been taken hostage by Kim Jong Il’s regime. That’s a fairly big story, no?

Or what about the riot that occurred at Cheskel’s Shawarma King in Brooklyn when diners figured out that the hot dogs they were eating weren’t Kosher (as they were assured), but rather reg’lar ol’ chicken franks?

Hurm.

“How about this: Give almost half of the front page to Laura and slightly more than half to the riot?”

“Fine, but the page still needs hooks.”

“How about FRANK INCENSED (with a photo of a giant hot dog) for the bottom and KIDNAPPED! Star’s sister snatched for the top, with a nice big photo of Lisa?”

“You mean, Laura.”

“Nah. Lisa’s prettier.”

“Works for me.”

Great story about how the Mafia ordered a hit on Charlie Rose (the prosecutor who was notorious for going after the Mafia) in 1992 and how the two dimwitted policemen on their payroll (remember the comedy stylings of Eppolito and Caracappa? here’s some more!) sent out an assassin who thought they meant Charlie Rose (the TV chat show host).

The killer went to the wrong Rose’s house. Luckily, Charlie wasn’t home.

What’s the moral of the story? The Mafia is stupid? Crooked cops are stupid? Use a stage name?

Yo no se.

Warren Beatty is being sued by Tribune Media Services for the rights to Dick Tracy.

He says he has the rights. They say they do. I say, no one cares about Dick Tracy anymore.

Now, if someone asked me what I thought of Vin Diesel as Beetle Bailey or Oliver Platt as Heathcliff, I’d never stop clapping and/or drawing dollar signs in the air.

KOSHER DOG FIGHT is the follow-up to the cover story.

Turns out a non-Jewish employee was sent to a Kosher market to get some hot dogs (they had unexpectedly run out) and he bought non-Kosher ones somewhere else instead (this is why people without the proper training should never improvise). The owner of the restaurant insists that the day of the riot was the only day this ever happened or ever would.

Something just occurred to me.

As a kid growing up in Riverdale (yes, Archie’s Riverdale was based on my Riverdale — I’ve even met Mr. Weatherbee!), the local news always had these scare-tactic promos that I’d laugh about with my mom. We’d joke that the commercial would say, “Is your drinking water safe? Tune in tonight at 11:00 to find out the shocking truth!” and then, as the news program came to an end, the anchorman would say, “Thanks for watching. See you tomorrow. Oh, and your drinking water is totally safe.”

Not sure if it’s always been this way (prolly), but I’ve been noticing recently that reading the accompanying article usually uncovers discrepancies (if not outright contradictions) with the headlines they appear under (see yesterday’s RETARD BOWLER SO INCREDIBLY MAD AT OBAMA! expose).

But then sometimes, the headline accurately tells the tale. Like…

 

Pope crowd crush kills 2

Popenfuhrer Benedict XVI wanted to convert some Angolans away from their ridiculous beliefs in witchcraft and sorcery (what rubes!) and towards the story of the man who was also the Holy Trinity and got his mother pregnant with himself and died and came back and died again and he’s totally coming back, but only if you give the church 10%.

Prior to his arrival, a series of stampedes broke out at the stadium he was speaking at. Tens of thousands of Angolans started pushing and shoving and rioting. One man and one woman died, 18 others were injured.

Benedict arrived later that day and another riot broke out, inuring another 20 (or more) people.

Amen.


Harrison Ford, 66, and Calista Flockhart, 44, are engaged to be married.

Reports say that he proposed to her over Valentine’s Day weekend. That’s generally a great time to propose to the woman you love. Especially if she publicly humiliates and/or emasculates you at an Applebee’s the night before.

Congratulations, Han ‘n’ Ally!

 

Ah. Here on page 7 (which, as per usual, appears before Page Six), we finally learn about (and see a picture of!) Laura Ling.

We also learn that North Korea didn’t kidnap one American journalist. They kidnpped two. But I guess Euna Lee isn’t related to anyone important, so she isn’t pictured (or named until the third paragraph). North Korea claims that the two women (who were reporting on a story for Al Gore’s Current TV) crossed into their country from China (that’s totes not legal). Conflicting reports are surfacing that the women were in China when they were arrested — they were asked to stop filming by North Koreans and refused, so they were arrested.

Lisa Ling’s name is mentioned three times and she has a big photo. Laura Ling’s is mentioned four times and she’s in the photo with Lisa. Doug Ling, their father, is mentioned and quoted.

Euna Lee is mentioned once.

 

Method Man’s 2008 Lincoln Navigator got seized. He failed to pay the state’s Department of Taxation $52,503, so they took his ride.

D-o-T ain’t nothin’ ta fuck with.

 

“They chant the slogan of change but no change is seen in practice. We haven’t seen any change.”

This was recently said by:

a) Michelle Malkin

b) Rush Limbaugh

c) Ayatollah Ali Khamenei

d) Bill O’Reilly

e) Ann Coulter

 

Once again, the paper that can’t stop telling people that Obama had no business filling out an NCAA bracket is criticizing his picks.

You say he only went 19-for-32 in Round One?

I guess his White half filled it out, right?

(I’m just saying what they’re implying)

 

Did you know that Sean Penn shot scenes for the awful new Harrison Ford movie Crossing Over? And that he demanded they be cut because he objected to a scene in the film that he found objectionable (allegedly)?

The scene was an “honor killing” of an Iranian woman by her brother.

Sean Penn has a boner for Iran, sez Page Six (today on page 12).

Incidentally, the answer to the earlier multiple choice question was c). But you get partial credit for answering a), b), d) or e).

Somewhere, Graham Chapman is laughing (and having lots of sex with younger men).

A pub in Shoreditch (in east London) was evacuated and the nearest roads were shut down for over an hour. A British bomb squad was sent in to deal with the recently discovered explosive device. Except what was suspected of being a hand grenade was actually a cheap replica of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch (as featured in Monty Python and the Holy Grail).

Cue footage of old women clapping.

Mom and her daughter are a modeling team. They live in Connecticut. They’re suing ad agency Draftfcb, the Partnership for a Drug-Free America and 15 other groups — for $90,000,000.

The models claim that their faces appeared in an ad campaign without their consent. And that the photos were manipulations of photos that they didn’t allow the agency to manipulate.

The ad was a full-page ad featuring the mother and child under the headline Rebuild After Meth.

The ad tells the story of “Teresa.” Her “life took a sharp turn when she started using meth to lose weight. She abandoned her family, including her 4-year-old daughter, for nearly a year in search of her next high.”

I wish there was a photo of the ad. Just so that, if I ever see the mom on the street I could demand that she answer my repeated, increasingly frantic cries of, “how could you?”

We all know who Christopher Nolan is (director of Memento, The Dark Knight and Batman Begins). And most of you will recognize the name of his brother, Jonathan (co-writer of The Prestige and Terminator: Salvation).

But do you know of Matthew Nolan?

He’s 40 and was arrested last week in Chicago.

He is now awaiting extradition to Costa Rica where he (and his partner) is accused of luring a Florida businessman to a hotel and kidnapping and torturing him to death (after his family failed to meet their ransom demands).

How does this story not get priority over Lisa Ling’s sister? Oh, wait. Lisa Ling is prettier than the Nolan Brothers. Never mind.

Kyle Smith, thank you for the first sentence of your latest partisan kvetch. Once I saw, “A reading from the Book of Barack, 3:22:09. And the word was heard from above,“ I knew it wasn’t worth my time. Please begin your movie reviews with the same “people only like Obama because they think he’s Jesus” straw man. I’d save ever-so-much time.

Ralph Peters is reviewing a book? Really? What’s it called?

United in Hate: The Left’s Romance with Tyranny and Terror by Jamie Glazov. Ah. That explains it.

Ralph writes, “Jamie Glazov, the editor of frontpagemag.com, describes the reaction of Leftist acquaintances to the fall of the Twin Towers: ‘Never had I seen them so happy, so hopeful and ready for another attempt at creating a glorious and revolutionary future. Without doubt, September 11 represented a personal vindication for them.’”

If I owned a bookstore and people came in to buy this book, I would re-enact the scene in Time Bandits where Robin Hood gives the purloined goods to the poor.

“Is that… really necessary?”

“Ooo eh ooo arr.”

“He says, yeah, he’s afraid it is.”

Here is a challenge for you, the readers.

Find someone — any age, any race, any height — who enjoyed the new Nicolas Cage movie, Kn0w1ng. Film critics don’t count (for anything).

And their enjoyment must be irony-free. You have until December of 2012.

Mario Lopez and Joe Francis are buddies!

I… can totally see that, actually.


Finally, Mr. Mougis posted this on Facebook. I’m-a post it here. When you have an hour to read, learn and cry about the current financial crisis, click here: http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/26793903/the_big_takeover/print


Enjoy what remains of the weekend.

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