SECRET DEAL TO TAX ‘RICH’

Hey. I love the guy as much as anyone, but he keeps winning awards and getting higher-profile TV gigs, so… suck it up, Sommer.

Seriously, though, the reason RICH is in quotes is because the Post does not believe that a person making over $500,000 a year is rich.This hike will generate $8,000,000,000 over two years. And it will expire right around the time Paterson starts his re-election campaign next year.

Wait a minute.

Frederic U. Dicker’s Exclusive don’t make no sense. If it’s a two-year tax that was just agreed to and implemented, then how can the tax hike “sunset” in a year? It even says in the graphic under the page 7 headline GOV PLOTS SECRET TAX HIKE ON RICH (no quotes this time!).

“Supposed to last only two years – until Paterson runs for election”

So. What has the paper taught us? That there is a tax that is being plotted while also having been implemented and it will last for two years, but it will expire next year.

(shuts eyes, repeats “I buy it for the Sudoku” to himself until he believes it or gets bored)

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Kn0w1ng made $24,800,000 this weekend.

I ask again: Did anyone that saw it actually leave the theater not filled with shame and regret?

I may have to see it today (for free, thank you very much The Pavilion) just to see if it’s as horrible as I’ve heard.

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Congratulations, Lisa Ling’s sister! You got your own photo in the paper! Oh, the tiny article still begins, “The younger sister of former The View gabber Lisa Ling may wind up a political pawn in the looming high-stakes face-off pitting North Korea against South Korea and the United States, a report said yesterday.” But at least your name appears under your photo, Lisa Ling’s sister! Good luck with that whole being held hostage by a hostile dictator! And say hi to what’shername (referred to as “another journalist” in paragraph 2, named in paragraph 5 — of 6)!

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Bruce Willis, 54, married Emma Heming, 30, at his home in the Turks & Caicos Islands.

How much you wanna bet that no one treats this relationship with as much snickering and eye-rolling as the Demi & Ashton romance (for the record, Demi is 46 to Ashton’s 31 – a differential of 15)? I mean, eye-rolling at what a colossal tool Ashton appears to be is one thing, but the “Demi is a cradle-robbing cougar” stuff was pretty non-stop for a long while. And the Cruise & Holmes match-up wasn’t laughed at (only) for the age difference. Old women are encouraged to marry gay men (I’m looking at you, corpse of Martha Raye). Old men are encouraged to find young women who will marry them so people will know their names and then after the divorce they can get work as a judge on a reality show where people compete to be America’s Next Top Bus Driver.

That’s Heming with one ‘m.’

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Lauren Conrad, you so savvy! People thought your clothing line was going out of business, but no!

“In light of the economic climate, Lauren has decided to completely rethink her line.”

Awesome! Lauren saw people suffering and decided to make her stuff more affordable.

“Lauren is going to revamp her line and design wih more high-end fabrics… things she couldn’t do the first time around.”

Wait. MTV’s famous-for-absolutely-no-legitimate-reason reality show star (see also: military intelligence, deafening silence, sweet sorrow) has seen her fellow Americans suffer financially and is therefore making her uninspired line of ho-hum clothes more ’spensive?

Outstanding.

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Cindy Adams pleads with her reader, “Please, everyone, do the delicious wonderful NYC landmark the Stage Deli.”

Oh, you mean the place with the $24 sandwiches? Maybe if they didn’t charge such insanely high prices, they wouldn’t have to ask gossip columnists to plug their awful tourist trap.

Get. In. The. Box.

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Remember Robert Fischetti? He was a bus driver in 2006 — until the mother of an autistic boy hid a tape recorder in his backpack and caught the driver’s unconscionable verbal abuse.

Robert was banned from ever working with schoolkids again as a result.

Guess what he does for a living now.

He drives a school bus. For disabled kids.

The DOE has cleared him of all charges.

Despite the tape recordings of him calling an autistic boy a “little dog” and laughing as he banged his head on the window and calling him a “phony sack of shit.”

Just one more reason not to have children.

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The good news is we no longer have to worry about that reality show that would chronicle reality star (see also: jumbo shrimp, forward retreat, enjoyable episode of Mind of Mencia) Jane Goody’s slow death.

The bad news is Jane Goody died. She was 27.

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Team Japan defeated Team USA 9-4. The final game tonight is between Japan and Korea.

Oh, World Baseball Classic. You so silly.

Now start some legitimate baseballings already!

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Michael Starr offers this question for the ages, “What is former Late Late Show host Craig Kilborn doing these days?”

Did I say “for the ages”? I meant “Google.”

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Steve Wozniak (the fat, clumsy, Dancing With the Stars cast member who isn’t a star) injured himself again (not, sadly, while shaving). As a result, he may not be able to not really dance on the next show. Also a possible no-show is Steve-O who has a hematoma on his spine, which he got during rehearsal.

I don’t believe in God, but I do believe a cosmic force is trying to tell ABC something.

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The Mrs. has her surgery on Wednesday. Kind thoughts and good vibes are always appreciated.

Happy Monday!