Archive for March 24th, 2009

“That’s why they’re called ‘nature’s president.’”

24th March
2009
written by jed

Had a hard time getting to sleep last night. I hadn’t really been that worried about Teresa’s impending surgery (yes, all surgery is inherently dangerous, but so is every trip into the NY subway system — no use in panicking). But recently, she’s been giving me instructions on how to divvy up her possessions if something goes wrong and where to take her ashes… she says that telling me these things helps her calm down. Alternately, it freaks me out. I mean, yes. I see why she sees it as necessary and if calming her (even a little) causes me occasional bouts of mild anxiety and an extra hour of Mafia Wars at 2:00 a.m., then that’s a no-brainer.

I might have not even noticed this morning, but I put Ben Folds’ new album on shuffle and Cologne came on and for some reason, I couldn’t stop crying. The only other time I remember this happening was a solid week in Chicago where Elvis Costello’s Last Boat Leaving made me bawl every time I heard it.

Am I scared? Nah. This is easy-peasy surgery and her doctor radiates warmth and competence (or her office has a gas leak). And we are both blessed with the kindest friends and family anyone could ask for. And I’ll finally get some peace and quiet from the constant nagging. Wait. Did I type that last part or think it?

Shit. Where’s the delete key?

Governor-After-Magoo Cuomo now estimates that of the $165,000,000 in bonuses AIG has been asked to return, we’ll be lucky to see $80,000,000. Lots of employees are refusing to return the bonuses. Many are overseas (where the money went and will remain).

And speaking of Paterson, he’s got “the lowest job-approval rating in modern state history.”

19% positive; 78% negative

I assume the other 3% didn’t know who he was/understand the question/want to stop walking through the food court to answer the survey.

Nancy Shevell missed yet another crucial meeting of the MTA board. This time, she was at a movie premiere in London wit the shell of what used to be Paul McCartney. And, in her absence, guess what the MTA decided to do?

$2.50 one-time fares. $103.00 monthly cards.

Thanks, Nancy!

Guess who’s buying a bicycle with his tax refund? Hint: me.

State Senator Hiram Monserrate… indicted! Bounced from the committee he chaired! Temporarily, but even so!

That’s bottle-smashingly good news! After all, he was askin’ for it!

Chuck Schumer is now IN FAVOR OF gay marriage.

Better late than homophobic.

Oh, Andrea Peyser. You so shrill. In today’s think-piece, $queezing them out (see what she did with the ’s’?), she tells the tale of a real estate executive and a dentist who might move to Connecticut because of the proposed tax increases on the wealthy in New York. They say they’ll commute.

I say the executive can. But the dentist? If he has his own practice, then he can take that to Connecticut, too. What’s that you say, “doctor”? You won’t be able to charge as much in Connecticut? Of course not. Plus you’ll lose hours in the commute. Do you know what Metro-North usually smells like? Pour some milk on a rug and leave it for a week.

New York City is one of the most (and at times, the most) expensive place to live in the U.S. It just is. Even if you didn’t know that when you got off the bus from Podunk, but 24 hours in this town’ll teach you that right quick. But the trade-off is that, if you can pay the rent, you get to live in New York City. And when the mayor decides that cigarettes should cost $11 a pack, New Yorkers curse and punch walls and then pay $11 for a pack of cigarettes. And when the MTA says “give us another $22 a month for the intermittent service we’re slashing further,” we hold rallies in Union Square and curse and punch the now-empty ticket booths and pay $103 a month to wait for transit.

But at the end of the day, we’re New Yorkers. I love Chicago. San Francisco is beautiful. Portland had its moments. But New York City is unique. And worth it at (almost) any price.

So Diane Ramirez, President of Halstead Properties? If you want to move to Hartford or Greenwich or Stamford, go ahead. And take “Dr.” Larry Rosenthal with you. We’ll pay $11 for smokes and $12 to see a movie, but don’t ask us to pity millionaires (except Kitty Genovese).

In fact, take Andrea Peyser with you and I’ll send you half of my tax refund.

Eddy Curry has a pretty good lawyer.

He’s accused of sexually harassing his (male) driver, but he now claims that he cannot be sued for workplace sexual harassment because he isn’t an “employer” under state human-rights laws.

In the legal biz, we call this pleading “Yeah, I Rubbed My Junk On Him But Dig These Cuh-razy Semantix!”

David Letterman got married to Regina Lasko, the mother of his son, last Thursday.

The lady who kept breaking into his house couldn’t be reached for comment, but a source claims she’s “insane.”

Picture of Robert Blake at the Beverly Glen Market Plaza in Beverly Hills on page 11. He is dressed like Jon Voight in Midnight Cowboy (right down to the hat). Should someone tell him it’s too late to plead insanity?

Nah.

Raise your hand if you didn’t see this coming:

Sylvia Plath’s son committed suicide in Alaska last week at the age of 47. Mom killed herself 46 years ago (and Gwyneth Paltrow dug her up and killed her again in 2003’s Sylvia).

And speaking of Alaska (home of unwed mother Bristol Palin!), Mount Redoubt erupted five times last night, sending grey dust over Anchorage. Remember when Bobby Jindal was like, “Funding for volcanoes? That’s so silly! We don’t need that porkity pork!”? Maybe he needs to “redoubt” his durdlespeak.

Why couldn’t he be Sylvia Plath’s son?

Michael Jackson wants to adopt an African child.

Seriously.

That’s ignorant.

When Iris Lopez, 35, was informed by the cabbie at 7th Avenue and Christopher Street that he didn’t want to take her to the Bronx, she did what any sane New Yorker would do: spray the cabbie with pepper spray, stab him in the head with a ballpoint pen, climb onto the roof of the cab and kick at the windshield until it cracked.

Maybe we’ll move to Connecticut, too.

Remember when the last Star Wars movie was coming out and the Post interviewed people waiting on line (for days) and that one guy (whose photo and name appeared within the article) who told his boss he was at home with the flu? I think he has a sister.

The Department of Sanitation says that raising the fine for not scooping your puppy’s poop from $100 to $250 has had no effect on citizens’ habits (OK, but… the revenue went up 150%, right? So… isn’t that a good thing?). Dog walker Rina Windasari is quoted as saying, “Once or twice, I don’t pick it up, but I try to because it bugs me, too, when people don’t pick up. It’s gross.”

Someone please issue her one or two $250 tickets.

I miss Schenectady.

There was a head shop in Schenectady called Orion. My friend Ryan and I would drive from Saratoga Springs every other week and buy cartons of Silk Cut cigarettes (John Constantine’s brand of choice).

Schenectady citizen La Tasha Daniels has been arrested. Her kids wanted her to take them for ice cream. She said no. She got in her car and two of her daughters jumped onto it. And La Tasha accelerated. The 12-year-old is fine. The 14-year-old has brain injuries from being thrown from the car.

All five of La Tasha’s kids have since been taken from her.

Oh, Schenectady. You’re Upstate New York’s crown jewel. After Watervliet. And Troy. And Albany, Ballston Spa, Saratoga Springs, Chatham, Glens Falls, Colonie, Woodstock and Cairo. And Mechanicville.

Did Jennifer Aniston break up with John Mayer because he was so obsessed with Twitter?

OMG!!!

Has anyone heard of Weng Weng? Do a search on youtube. I… yeah.

Weng Weng.

Super-mega-WTF.

Curt Schilling has officially retired.

Buh-bye.

And the Yankees’ right fielder is… Xavier Nady (sorry, Swisher).

Girardi says we’ll know who’s in center field by Sunday (Gardner or Cabrera).

Damon’s the left fielder.

Is this the beginning of the end for Matsui?

This is the beginning of the end for me.

Have a wonderful Tuesday, ever’buddy.

And this is the end of the end.

9 Comments
Dailies