Archive for March 27th, 2009

The Day After Yesterday’s News

27th March
2009
written by jed

FREE

DUMB

TOWER

I’ll take it! Oh. Tis is the Post’s way of telling us that the Freedom Tower at Ground Zero will no longer be called the Freedom Tower. It will now be forevermore known as One World Trade Center.

Oh, well. I guess the terrorists win.

No. Wait. That’s not what I meant. What I meant is, I don’t care.

They should have rebuilt them exactly as they were.

Except for the burning airplanes sticking out of the side.

Too soon?

According to Michael Riedel, the Spider-Man musical will feature the Green Goblin, Carnage, Electro, Rhino, Swarm and the Lizard.

Swarm? The Nazi made of bees? Are they going to use the only line (one word – his name!) he had on the old cartoon?

Did I mention what a terrible idea this is?

Iranian researchers say that drinking scalding hot tea may cause throat cancer.

Great job, guys.

Please let us know if dropping bowling balls on your feet causes any diseases.

Kthnxbi.

Teresa? Cross Brazil off the list.

President of Brazil Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva gave a press conference in Brasilia yesterday with British Prime Minister Gordon Brown. During the chat, Luiz explained to Gordon that the world’s financial crisis was caused by “white people with blue eyes.” He went on to explain, “I am not acquainted with a single Black banker.”

Of course they don’t become bankers! They’ve been bred for athletics, silly!

Fun fact: Luiz was once a lathe operator!

That British 12-year-old who thought he got his 15-year-old girlfriend pregnant? Well, the Brits gave him a paternity test and, in the case of Maisie Steadman, Alfie? You are NOT the father.

He was probably too mature to breakdance when he found out, though.

About 18 months ago, the NYPD shut down their highly successful Vice Squad operations on Craigslist. No one seems to know why.

Gee, you think maybe George Weber’s family might sue the NYPD?

Oh, New Jersey. You so ridiculous.

A 14-year-old girl posted nude photos of herself online, so the Passaic County Sheriff’s Office is using Megan’s Law to charge her as (and force her to register as) a sex offender.

The mother of the Megan in the title of the law is absolutely outraged.

Me, too!

Oh, Boston. You make New Jersey seem like Xanadu.

The headmaster of the Boston Latin School sent a notice to teachers, students and parents denying that vampires were roaming the campus.

Apparently, the rumors were becoming more and more of a distraction in the classrooms.

Retahded.

Rihanna got a small gun tattoo on her right side.

This was on the front page today.

I hate the Post.

Charles “I’m Begging You To Make Me” Hurt ends his latest wank-piece with, “Surveying the political landscape here today, Obama is thinking of that adage cherished by cutthroats everywhere. If you and a buddy are walking in the woods and encounter a hungry, angry bear, you don’t have to outrun the bear, You simply have to outrun your buddy.

I’m guessing Chuck doesn’t have a lot of buddies. And those he has? Every one of them is faster than he is.

Nicolas Cage is filming The Sorcerer’s Apprentice in Park Slope. And the photo of him as… whatever he is… looks like Bob Dylan as Ghost Rider.

Nic? Why not just take your sushi waitress, buy an island and let us try to remember why we once liked you in peace? Please?

A state appeals court has ruled that you can commit a hate crime against a building.

I read about swastikas on synagogues almost every week — if this will help put the assholes that do that away for a slightly longer time, then I’m for it.

But, would 9/11 also count?

Miguel Tejada has been sentenced to one year of probation for lying to Congress.

And yet W. hasn’t even been formally charged yet.

Jason Savage, 29, was arrested at a car wash in Saginaw, Michigan.

Witnesses called police once they realized he was fucking one of the vacuums.

Teresa? Cross Michigan off the list.

A housing project in Britain has had pink bulbs installed in their public lamps, in hopes that it will cut down on the packs of teens that routinely loiter.

The logic behind the pink lights making teens disperse? Pink light makes acne stand out more.

With teeth like that, you think some pimples are going to frighten away British teenagers?

Freshen yer drink, guv’nah?

Adam Brodsky wants to know Why Is the Prez Snuffing Out Hope?

Do you remember when video rental stores were a new thing? You’d drive half an hour to the only one in town and you’d walk around the aisles looking for something that grabbed you? And then you’d see the box for a movie that — even though you had no idea what you were actually looking for — was the textbook example of what you weren’t looking for, and could therefore move on to another box?

That’s what Adam Brodsky’s piece made me think of.

Bill O’Reilly explains why Fox News has increased viewership since “the Democratic takeover in Washington” — he calls it “the remorse factor.”

I don’t think he’s kidding, either.

Anybody else feel like the folks behind 12 Rounds missed out on a golden opportunity to incorporate the 12 labors of Hercules into the script? I know the target audience is stupid, but even so. Isn’t 12 Labors just as good a title, if not more accurate?

Dan Aquilante’s review of Morrissey’s Webster Hall show: No hope in mope pope

(He didn’t like it.)

Jeter THEN Damon?

Either this will destroy a no-brainer batting order or this is the start of a beautiful season.

The advertising agency hired to come up with a new branding initiative for the Sci-Fi Channel has gone public with their reasoning behind the change to SyFy.

“While we’d love to take credit for all the branding initiatives our clients take on, we just can’t. SyFy was a name generated internally and pre-tested at the channel before our involvement.”

“I believe it was one of Whistler’s.”

“You bastard.”

Hopefully, I’m gonna go take m’wife home!

Happy Impending Weekend!

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Dailies

Yesterday’s News

27th March
2009
written by jed

En route to the hospital yesterday, I happened to pass a ticket booth in my local subway station. Written on the whiteboard (or is it “wipe board”?) in giant letters was:

F NORMAL SERVICE

Amen, sister.

In France, a group of laid off 3M workers has taken their boss hostage in the hopes that they will be able to negotiate a better severance package.

And, according to the Post, “It’s the second so-called ‘bossnapping’ in a week.”

B’also? The Post goes on to explain that the second case of “bossnapping” occured, “two weeks ago in the South of France.”

Great job, guys.

A public school principal in Riverdaleis being accused of leading members of his staff in “Buddhist hate chants” against other members of his staff.

Granted, I don’t know much about Buddhism, but I’m pretty sure the thing on page one of the novelization is that hate is the opposite of Buddhism. But what do I know? I’m a non-practicing Jew.

Mazel tov.

Three weeks ago, Cook County Sheriff Thomas Dart declared, “Craigslist is the single largest source of prostitution in the nation.”

No shit, Sheriff.

According to the Post (and, really, when are they ever wrong about anything?), yesterday alone saw hundreds of new ads on the NY Craigslist board from people “seeking everything from casual gay sex (editor’s note: is there any other kind?) to more kinky encounters – with many illegally asking for payment.”

Next they’ll be telling us that some of the people that place and answer those ads aren’t who they claim to be!

Like, frinstance, John Katehis (is his middle initial is D, you can mix the letters up to make Jon D. Shithead!), 16, of Queens. He answered an ad placed by ABC News Radio’s George Weber. John, who is an admitted “Satan-worshipper” (What does that even mean nowadays? Big Rosemary’s Baby fan, is he?), claims that he was high on cocaine and vodka when he saw Weber freeing himself from the duct tape that John had consensually wrapped his legs in. John panicked and grabbed the knife, stabbed George twice and ran away.

The only minor discrepancy the po-po has? Weber was stabbed over 50 times in the neck.

And you know who would be perfect to play John in a TV movie? Lillo Brancato, Jr. They could be brothers!

I wonder what Lillo’s up to nowadays…

Oh, Andrea Peyser.

Her column chronicles her efforts to get Nancy “I’m Doing a Beatle!” Shevell (as she calls her) to answer some questions about her missing the recent Finance Committee vote. Shevell eventually snaps at her that she “spoke publicly about it,” which Peyser admits confused her, as she wasn’t aware of any statements Shevell had made. And then Shevell entered an elevator and security blocked Peyser from following.

“Other board members congregated in the hallway, begging to be interviewed. But what could they say?”

That’s what I call great journalism.

And speaking of great journalism, this made me laugh out loud. There’s a giant two-page spread on the fare hikes. Different people are explaining what sacrifices they’ll make to swallow the hikes. Their photo is accompanied by the categories: Name, Commute, Cost, Sacrifice, Reaction.

The “infrastructure banker” from the Upper West Side says he’ll have one les beer a week. I want to punch him.

But the money quote isn’t attributable to any civilian. This is pure Post.

For Long Island life coach Barbara Frankel (whose photo alone is worth 50 cents), her “Cost” is described as follows:

“Buys a $20 MetroCard (which will cost the same, but provide nine instead of 10 rides)”

Well, at least it hasn’t gone up in price!

Wait.

Laura Ling and Euna Lee got equal billing today! And no mention of Lisa! Or what’s being done about the kidnapping!

But the article directly above theirs mentions that North Korea is gearing up to launch a Taepodong-2 over Japan.

Can a nation be an attention whore?

Oh, please attack her on this, Rush.

Hillary Clinton went to Mexico and explained that Americans buying illegal drugs from Mexico is partially to blame for the increase in violence on the border. And the Post begins their article with, “Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton yesterday blamed America’s ‘insatiable demand’ for illicit drugs for an increase in violence along the Mexican border.”

Once again, if you read further along, you find the quotes of hers that contradict the topic sentence (or at least, its implications). In fact, paragraph 3 is just one sentence: “‘I feel very strongly we have a co-responsibility,’ Clinton told reporters traveling with her.”

Great job, guys.

Cloris Leachman’s new memoir will include tidbits about her one-night stand with Gene Hackman (“I haven’t seen Gene since that night, but I remember well the feisty lad he was.”), and her almost-affairs with Ed Asner and Andy Williams (sadly, not at the same time).

Cloris hits stores next week.

In today’s economy, every penny counts.

So much so, that Elizabeth Arden (creator of the White Diamonds perfume that Elizabeth Taylor spoke-sells) is calling beauty magazines and asking if they will offer them a bereavement rate if Ms. Taylor dies this year.

Super classy.

Oh no! The winner of “Paris Hilton’s My New BFF” has lost her diary! And she’s telling everyone that she needs it back because there’s like SO MUCH top secret stuff in there! She needs it back! Help!

Remember when Paris Hilton did the same thing a few years ago?

If Cindy Adams makes room in the box, can we put both of these skanks in there with her?

Director Fred “Remember Limp Bizkit?” Durst describes his next film (Psycho Killer) as “not a throwaway, quick-fix slasher film — it’s like Silence of the Lambs.”

Which would make him… Johnathan Dummy?

Kenley Collins has announced that she didn’t throw her cat at her boyfriend; she lightly tossed the cat onto the bed so as to free up her arms so she could throw other things at him.

Go away.

Kobe Bryant’s maid is suing him and his wife for “emotional distress.”

Hey, at least he didn’t rape you.

Wesley Snipes went to a party in Dubai in November. He didn’t get permission from the po-po.

Now federal prosecutors in Florida want to revoke Snipes’ bail.

They may not be able to jump, but these white men might just take Wesley to the hole (if you feel me).

There are so many gerbils in China that forestry officials have begun scattering abortion pills near their burrows.

They got the idea from how they deal with their human population.

A Grand Rapids (Michigan) minor-league baseball has added a new burger to their ballpark menu.

The Fifth Third Burger (http://bensbiz.mlblogs.com/Fifth%20Third%20Burger.JPG) is five burgers, five slices of cheese, a cup of chili, some salsa and some corn chips. It’s 4 pounds and 4,800 calories. It costs $20, but if you finish it, you get a free t-shirt (and, one woud assume, a free ride to the hospital).

A Manhattan judge has decided that keeping over 1,000,000 pages of 9/11 documents secret is a good idea.

The families that have been begging for their release for the last 7+ years disagree.

Somewhere, some terrorists are chuckling about this.

Medical examiners are now warning that a state funding cut will severely slow down their turnaround time. This isn’t good news for Jews and Muslims who require expeditious burials (because the man in the clouds says so!).

Remember what happened when just a couple of them found out the hot dog wasn’t kosher? This is gonna be a lot bigger.

Let’s go to the New York Post mailbag, shall we?

“I am so sick of ‘The Obama Show.’

Less than six months off the campaign trail, and Obama misses the appeal of an audience so much that he has to do his ’stand-up’ on TV.

What’s next? ‘Vanna, are there an vowels for Mr. Obama?’ or ‘Dancing with Cheryl tonight will be the president of the United States’?

Maybe Obama should just go right to ‘American Idol’ and let Simon have his say.”

Deborah Fleming of Lavallette, NJ

Looks like Deborah isn’t alone.

According to Nielsen, 40,000,000 people watched Obama on Tuesday night. 49,500,000 tuned in on February 9th.

17,000,000 watched him on 60 Minutes, but only 8,900,000 watched him on Leno.

Actually? I’ll bet Deborah is alone. But other people share her opinion.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go buy today’s paper.

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