…Then They Lowered Again Just Now.

If her parathyroids would pick up the fucking slack and do what they’re supposed to, the prognosis would be superb! Sigh. She’s a super trooper, though. She’ll be fine.

Me and the folks will return tomorrow for more bedside fun (though I really hope there isn’t any college basketball on. What the f, Dad. Seriously. Boston University, Skidmore and Hunter are not playing. It’s not like you even have an NBA team that you root for. Your watching NCAA basketball is a little too much like wanting to hang out near a playground even though you don’t have a kid (or a lifted restraining order).

Totally kidding – we both adore my (our) folks and couldn’t ask for more caring and/or generous parental units.

That being said, enough with the sweaty teenaged boys and their ball-slapping, yo.

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The Fat Reverend Fat Al Sharpton (looking more like Rangel every day!) owed the IRS over $1,800,000.

Last summer, he settled with the Treasury Department in exchange for them ending their various investigations into his finances.

And what did he pay them?

$1,000,000.

I wonder if I can tell the IRS that I want to pay half my taxes in exchange for them not making sure I don’t owe them more money…

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Researchers at Queen’s University in Belfast have discovered that crabs and crustaceans can feel pain – and also remember it and try to avoid it.

“What do you do for a living?”

“Research.”

“What kind?”

“Medical.”

“Oh! What area? Fatal diseases?”

“No. I work with shellfish.”

“Really? In what respect?”

“I and my colleagues have spent years trying to figure out whether or not a lobster can feel pain…”

“They can. That’s why they scream in the boiling water.”

“…but just recently, we had a major breakthrough!”

“Let me guess: Butter makes them more delicious?”

“No, they feel pain AND remember the pain AND go out of their way to avoid it further!”

“Is this research funded?”

“Yes, at Queen’s College!”

“And what purpose does the research ultimately have?”

“Well, now that we know crabs are more human, crazy people can start throwing paint on Will McLaughlin at his annual crab party!”

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Rapper T.I. got a year and a day in prisizzon.

Fun fact: the extra day makes him eligible for parole WHENEVER! And if he was sentenced for a year? NO PAROLE WHATSOEVER!

The fact that his sentence was extended by 24 hours virtually guarantees he will spend LESS time in the Big House than if it remained one year.

The system is ridiculous.

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ShamWow? More like ShamWhatTheFuckYouCrazyHookerLetGoOfMyTongue!

Vince Shlomi (more like Vince Here’s-$1,000-To-Blow-Me!), 44 (more like For-The-Whore!), is that elven weirdo that yells at you on TV about how the Sham-Wow can soak soda through carpet and it’s orange and hooray. He also sells the Slap Chop (this will become even funnier in a sec). Last month, he paid a woman of ill repute and loose morals/genitals$1,000 to go back to his place for a little in-n-out burger (hold the burger).

But once the 4:00 a.m. boinking was about to start, Shlomi (the money!) claims the who-er (one Sasha Lenea Harris) “bit his tongue and wouldn’t let go.”

So Vince punched Sasha until she let go of his tongue. Both were arrested for felony aggravated battery, but prosecutors declined to file charges.

The system is ridiculous. Luckily karma exists to fill the void of injustice.

“What if I told you I could make your annoying pitchman go from looking like this…

…to looking like this…

…HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY?

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My BPF does it again.

He and his administration have imposed an average 30.2-miles-per-gallon standard for passenger cars (up from 27.5).

Is legislation supposed to give you a boner?

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Willie Aames, former star of Eight Is Enough, Charles In Charge, Bibleman, one of those Celebrity Trainwreck Shows on VH1 and Zapped! (though not necessarily in that order), had a yard sale on Thursday at his home in Kansas. He was hoping to raise enough money to stop an impeding foreclosure on his house.

The Post’s headline? Hey, is $8 enough for this junk?

See what they did there?

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The idiot who drove his truck (WHICH HAD A RAISED CRANE ON IT) through the sign on the Whitestone Bridge, shutting down traffic for hours in both directions is a contractor.

Who would hire a contractor like this – the kind of guy who doesn’t notice his crane is extended (if you know what I mean) and fucks up New Yorkers’ ability to travel?

The MTA, naturally.

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Madonna is a genius. She is constantly re-inventing herself with different personae – never the same one twice, always giving fans the unexpected. So what would be more unexpected than her repeating herself?

She’ll be in Malawi again this weekend to adopt Mercy James, whose parents Madonna says are both dead (The Associated Press says the father is alive).

Genius.

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You’re straight-up kosher. You want straight-up tequila. But what can you do?

99-proof kosher tequila is on the way! Look for Agave 99 in stores for Cinco de May-oy.

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Why isn’t Josef Fritzl doggie-paddling in a 5-mile-deep septic tank yet?

Naturally, an Austrian magazine interviewed him and gave this subhuman scum a chance to defend himself, further dishonoring his daughter (who he raped an estimated 3,000 times over 24 years), THEIR seven children (and the eighth who died in the cellar) and whatever passes for God in Austria.

“I tried to make life in the cellar as pleasant as possible for my second family.”

How anyone could sit in a room with this fuck and not jump across the table when he said that…

“Forget it, Jed. It’s Austria.”

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Ralph Peters believes that Obama is a clone of LBJ.

I believe Ralph Peters is a clone of poo.

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Brian Bruney saw Brett Gardner chatting with reporters in the back of the Yankees’ clubhouse yesterday. So he walked over and asked, “Did you just get cut?”

Gardner smiled and mentioned Bruney’s inability to strike out Matt Stairs.

I’ve had a crush of Gardner for a while (and I think he’s gonna be our muthafuckin’ center fielder, yo!). Add Bruney to the list.

Start! Baseball! Season! Now!

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Oh, and last night? Mariano pitched the ninth. He retired one batter with a three-pitch strikeout.

Guess how many pitches he needed for the other two batters.

Two.

(waves miniature Yankees pennant)

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ABC is making Ben Hur into a four-hour, $22,500,000 mini-series.

Steve Shill will direct. If you’re unfamiliar with Mr. Shill’s work, you can check it out in theaters everywhere this April.

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AND HE DOES IT UNDER THE WIRE!

I told Teresa that I dont ever want to skip a day. I want to make sure that the calendar on the right side of the site is always full of goodies for you. So I raced the clock to post today’s entry. And it ain’t midnight yet.

Boom.

See you tomorrow!