Archive for March, 2009
Had a hard time getting to sleep last night. I hadn’t really been that worried about Teresa’s impending surgery (yes, all surgery is inherently dangerous, but so is every trip into the NY subway system — no use in panicking). But recently, she’s been giving me instructions on how to divvy up her possessions if something goes wrong and where to take her ashes… she says that telling me these things helps her calm down. Alternately, it freaks me out. I mean, yes. I see why she sees it as necessary and if calming her (even a little) causes me occasional bouts of mild anxiety and an extra hour of Mafia Wars at 2:00 a.m., then that’s a no-brainer.
I might have not even noticed this morning, but I put Ben Folds’ new album on shuffle and Cologne came on and for some reason, I couldn’t stop crying. The only other time I remember this happening was a solid week in Chicago where Elvis Costello’s Last Boat Leaving made me bawl every time I heard it.
Am I scared? Nah. This is easy-peasy surgery and her doctor radiates warmth and competence (or her office has a gas leak). And we are both blessed with the kindest friends and family anyone could ask for. And I’ll finally get some peace and quiet from the constant nagging. Wait. Did I type that last part or think it?
Shit. Where’s the delete key?
Governor-After-Magoo Cuomo now estimates that of the $165,000,000 in bonuses AIG has been asked to return, we’ll be lucky to see $80,000,000. Lots of employees are refusing to return the bonuses. Many are overseas (where the money went and will remain).
And speaking of Paterson, he’s got “the lowest job-approval rating in modern state history.”
19% positive; 78% negative
I assume the other 3% didn’t know who he was/understand the question/want to stop walking through the food court to answer the survey.
Nancy Shevell missed yet another crucial meeting of the MTA board. This time, she was at a movie premiere in London wit the shell of what used to be Paul McCartney. And, in her absence, guess what the MTA decided to do?
$2.50 one-time fares. $103.00 monthly cards.
Thanks, Nancy!
Guess who’s buying a bicycle with his tax refund? Hint: me.
State Senator Hiram Monserrate… indicted! Bounced from the committee he chaired! Temporarily, but even so!
That’s bottle-smashingly good news! After all, he was askin’ for it!
Chuck Schumer is now IN FAVOR OF gay marriage.
Better late than homophobic.
Oh, Andrea Peyser. You so shrill. In today’s think-piece, $queezing them out (see what she did with the ’s’?), she tells the tale of a real estate executive and a dentist who might move to Connecticut because of the proposed tax increases on the wealthy in New York. They say they’ll commute.
I say the executive can. But the dentist? If he has his own practice, then he can take that to Connecticut, too. What’s that you say, “doctor”? You won’t be able to charge as much in Connecticut? Of course not. Plus you’ll lose hours in the commute. Do you know what Metro-North usually smells like? Pour some milk on a rug and leave it for a week.
New York City is one of the most (and at times, the most) expensive place to live in the U.S. It just is. Even if you didn’t know that when you got off the bus from Podunk, but 24 hours in this town’ll teach you that right quick. But the trade-off is that, if you can pay the rent, you get to live in New York City. And when the mayor decides that cigarettes should cost $11 a pack, New Yorkers curse and punch walls and then pay $11 for a pack of cigarettes. And when the MTA says “give us another $22 a month for the intermittent service we’re slashing further,” we hold rallies in Union Square and curse and punch the now-empty ticket booths and pay $103 a month to wait for transit.
But at the end of the day, we’re New Yorkers. I love Chicago. San Francisco is beautiful. Portland had its moments. But New York City is unique. And worth it at (almost) any price.
So Diane Ramirez, President of Halstead Properties? If you want to move to Hartford or Greenwich or Stamford, go ahead. And take “Dr.” Larry Rosenthal with you. We’ll pay $11 for smokes and $12 to see a movie, but don’t ask us to pity millionaires (except Kitty Genovese).
In fact, take Andrea Peyser with you and I’ll send you half of my tax refund.
Eddy Curry has a pretty good lawyer.
He’s accused of sexually harassing his (male) driver, but he now claims that he cannot be sued for workplace sexual harassment because he isn’t an “employer” under state human-rights laws.
In the legal biz, we call this pleading “Yeah, I Rubbed My Junk On Him But Dig These Cuh-razy Semantix!”
David Letterman got married to Regina Lasko, the mother of his son, last Thursday.
The lady who kept breaking into his house couldn’t be reached for comment, but a source claims she’s “insane.”
Picture of Robert Blake at the Beverly Glen Market Plaza in Beverly Hills on page 11. He is dressed like Jon Voight in Midnight Cowboy (right down to the hat). Should someone tell him it’s too late to plead insanity?
Nah.
Raise your hand if you didn’t see this coming:
Sylvia Plath’s son committed suicide in Alaska last week at the age of 47. Mom killed herself 46 years ago (and Gwyneth Paltrow dug her up and killed her again in 2003’s Sylvia).
And speaking of Alaska (home of unwed mother Bristol Palin!), Mount Redoubt erupted five times last night, sending grey dust over Anchorage. Remember when Bobby Jindal was like, “Funding for volcanoes? That’s so silly! We don’t need that porkity pork!”? Maybe he needs to “redoubt” his durdlespeak.
Why couldn’t he be Sylvia Plath’s son?
Michael Jackson wants to adopt an African child.
Seriously.
That’s ignorant.
When Iris Lopez, 35, was informed by the cabbie at 7th Avenue and Christopher Street that he didn’t want to take her to the Bronx, she did what any sane New Yorker would do: spray the cabbie with pepper spray, stab him in the head with a ballpoint pen, climb onto the roof of the cab and kick at the windshield until it cracked.
Maybe we’ll move to Connecticut, too.
Remember when the last Star Wars movie was coming out and the Post interviewed people waiting on line (for days) and that one guy (whose photo and name appeared within the article) who told his boss he was at home with the flu? I think he has a sister.
The Department of Sanitation says that raising the fine for not scooping your puppy’s poop from $100 to $250 has had no effect on citizens’ habits (OK, but… the revenue went up 150%, right? So… isn’t that a good thing?). Dog walker Rina Windasari is quoted as saying, “Once or twice, I don’t pick it up, but I try to because it bugs me, too, when people don’t pick up. It’s gross.”
Someone please issue her one or two $250 tickets.
I miss Schenectady.
There was a head shop in Schenectady called Orion. My friend Ryan and I would drive from Saratoga Springs every other week and buy cartons of Silk Cut cigarettes (John Constantine’s brand of choice).
Schenectady citizen La Tasha Daniels has been arrested. Her kids wanted her to take them for ice cream. She said no. She got in her car and two of her daughters jumped onto it. And La Tasha accelerated. The 12-year-old is fine. The 14-year-old has brain injuries from being thrown from the car.
All five of La Tasha’s kids have since been taken from her.
Oh, Schenectady. You’re Upstate New York’s crown jewel. After Watervliet. And Troy. And Albany, Ballston Spa, Saratoga Springs, Chatham, Glens Falls, Colonie, Woodstock and Cairo. And Mechanicville.
Did Jennifer Aniston break up with John Mayer because he was so obsessed with Twitter?
OMG!!!
Has anyone heard of Weng Weng? Do a search on youtube. I… yeah.
Weng Weng.
Super-mega-WTF.
Curt Schilling has officially retired.
Buh-bye.
And the Yankees’ right fielder is… Xavier Nady (sorry, Swisher).
Girardi says we’ll know who’s in center field by Sunday (Gardner or Cabrera).
Damon’s the left fielder.
Is this the beginning of the end for Matsui?
This is the beginning of the end for me.
Have a wonderful Tuesday, ever’buddy.
And this is the end of the end.
There are so many incredibly frightening things about this man/spokescreature.
His paper-cup nose to hide his face from parents. His “magic tray” from which he encourages children to pull infinite burgers (it also just so happens to be located a wee shade over his junk). His husky voice with trace hints of “get in my van.”
There was once a time (in this country!) where this appealed to people. How fucked up is that?
SECRET DEAL TO TAX ‘RICH’
Hey. I love the guy as much as anyone, but he keeps winning awards and getting higher-profile TV gigs, so… suck it up, Sommer.
Seriously, though, the reason RICH is in quotes is because the Post does not believe that a person making over $500,000 a year is rich.This hike will generate $8,000,000,000 over two years. And it will expire right around the time Paterson starts his re-election campaign next year.
Wait a minute.
Frederic U. Dicker’s Exclusive don’t make no sense. If it’s a two-year tax that was just agreed to and implemented, then how can the tax hike “sunset” in a year? It even says in the graphic under the page 7 headline GOV PLOTS SECRET TAX HIKE ON RICH (no quotes this time!).
“Supposed to last only two years – until Paterson runs for election”
So. What has the paper taught us? That there is a tax that is being plotted while also having been implemented and it will last for two years, but it will expire next year.
(shuts eyes, repeats “I buy it for the Sudoku” to himself until he believes it or gets bored)
Kn0w1ng made $24,800,000 this weekend.
I ask again: Did anyone that saw it actually leave the theater not filled with shame and regret?
I may have to see it today (for free, thank you very much The Pavilion) just to see if it’s as horrible as I’ve heard.
Congratulations, Lisa Ling’s sister! You got your own photo in the paper! Oh, the tiny article still begins, “The younger sister of former The View gabber Lisa Ling may wind up a political pawn in the looming high-stakes face-off pitting North Korea against South Korea and the United States, a report said yesterday.” But at least your name appears under your photo, Lisa Ling’s sister! Good luck with that whole being held hostage by a hostile dictator! And say hi to what’shername (referred to as “another journalist” in paragraph 2, named in paragraph 5 — of 6)!
Bruce Willis, 54, married Emma Heming, 30, at his home in the Turks & Caicos Islands.
How much you wanna bet that no one treats this relationship with as much snickering and eye-rolling as the Demi & Ashton romance (for the record, Demi is 46 to Ashton’s 31 – a differential of 15)? I mean, eye-rolling at what a colossal tool Ashton appears to be is one thing, but the “Demi is a cradle-robbing cougar” stuff was pretty non-stop for a long while. And the Cruise & Holmes match-up wasn’t laughed at (only) for the age difference. Old women are encouraged to marry gay men (I’m looking at you, corpse of Martha Raye). Old men are encouraged to find young women who will marry them so people will know their names and then after the divorce they can get work as a judge on a reality show where people compete to be America’s Next Top Bus Driver.
That’s Heming with one ‘m.’
Lauren Conrad, you so savvy! People thought your clothing line was going out of business, but no!
“In light of the economic climate, Lauren has decided to completely rethink her line.”
Awesome! Lauren saw people suffering and decided to make her stuff more affordable.
“Lauren is going to revamp her line and design wih more high-end fabrics… things she couldn’t do the first time around.”
Wait. MTV’s famous-for-absolutely-no-legitimate-reason reality show star (see also: military intelligence, deafening silence, sweet sorrow) has seen her fellow Americans suffer financially and is therefore making her uninspired line of ho-hum clothes more ’spensive?
Outstanding.
Cindy Adams pleads with her reader, “Please, everyone, do the delicious wonderful NYC landmark the Stage Deli.”
Oh, you mean the place with the $24 sandwiches? Maybe if they didn’t charge such insanely high prices, they wouldn’t have to ask gossip columnists to plug their awful tourist trap.
Get. In. The. Box.
Remember Robert Fischetti? He was a bus driver in 2006 — until the mother of an autistic boy hid a tape recorder in his backpack and caught the driver’s unconscionable verbal abuse.
Robert was banned from ever working with schoolkids again as a result.
Guess what he does for a living now.
He drives a school bus. For disabled kids.
The DOE has cleared him of all charges.
Despite the tape recordings of him calling an autistic boy a “little dog” and laughing as he banged his head on the window and calling him a “phony sack of shit.”
Just one more reason not to have children.
The good news is we no longer have to worry about that reality show that would chronicle reality star (see also: jumbo shrimp, forward retreat, enjoyable episode of Mind of Mencia) Jane Goody’s slow death.
The bad news is Jane Goody died. She was 27.
Team Japan defeated Team USA 9-4. The final game tonight is between Japan and Korea.
Oh, World Baseball Classic. You so silly.
Now start some legitimate baseballings already!
Michael Starr offers this question for the ages, “What is former Late Late Show host Craig Kilborn doing these days?”
Did I say “for the ages”? I meant “Google.”
Steve Wozniak (the fat, clumsy, Dancing With the Stars cast member who isn’t a star) injured himself again (not, sadly, while shaving). As a result, he may not be able to not really dance on the next show. Also a possible no-show is Steve-O who has a hematoma on his spine, which he got during rehearsal.
I don’t believe in God, but I do believe a cosmic force is trying to tell ABC something.
The Mrs. has her surgery on Wednesday. Kind thoughts and good vibes are always appreciated.
Happy Monday!
My IO team, Genealogy, rehearsed from 9-12 a.m. every Saturday morning. I’d get up at 7:30, catch the Clark Street bus to IO and have a nice quiet breakfast at the Salt and Pepper next door (with the surprisingly easy Chicago Tribune crossword and much bacon). My teammates began to notice that I was always well-fed and coffeed up for rehearsal, and eventually the breakfast became more of a team ritual. One could argue that our rehearsals began at 8:00.
I was blessed to have the first team I was put on at IO last almost three years. And I was blessed to play with my good friends. And I am blessed that I am still in contact with most of them (especially someone whose name rhymes with bacarthur-dirtybun). For some reason, as I began typing today, I recalled one morning where our coach (Kevin Mullaney, who rarely joined us at the S&P) got particularly angry at us. We were having a sloppy rehearsal, cracking each other up, not really focusing.
“Look guys, you’re not showing the audience who these people are. You’re just being talking heads. Let’s start again and this time, let me know who these people are.”
I walked onstage and so did Eric (or was it you, Mac?) and as his mouth opened to speak, I said, “Well, if it isn’t Bill Friggit, the deaf Black midget.”
Mullaney stormed outside (to hide his laughter) and the rest of us laughed so hard, the bottles of watered-down hooch rattled behind the bar.
No idea why I thought of that (other than the title I wanted to use for today’s post was too long – “Everybody wants to be a Guitar Hero, but no one wants to learn the chords.” – Bill Maher).
Decisions, decisions.
What do you put on the front page? American journalist Laura Ling, sister of Lisa Ling, has been taken hostage by Kim Jong Il’s regime. That’s a fairly big story, no?
Or what about the riot that occurred at Cheskel’s Shawarma King in Brooklyn when diners figured out that the hot dogs they were eating weren’t Kosher (as they were assured), but rather reg’lar ol’ chicken franks?
Hurm.
“How about this: Give almost half of the front page to Laura and slightly more than half to the riot?”
“Fine, but the page still needs hooks.”
“How about FRANK INCENSED (with a photo of a giant hot dog) for the bottom and KIDNAPPED! Star’s sister snatched for the top, with a nice big photo of Lisa?”
“You mean, Laura.”
“Nah. Lisa’s prettier.”
“Works for me.”
Great story about how the Mafia ordered a hit on Charlie Rose (the prosecutor who was notorious for going after the Mafia) in 1992 and how the two dimwitted policemen on their payroll (remember the comedy stylings of Eppolito and Caracappa? here’s some more!) sent out an assassin who thought they meant Charlie Rose (the TV chat show host).
The killer went to the wrong Rose’s house. Luckily, Charlie wasn’t home.
What’s the moral of the story? The Mafia is stupid? Crooked cops are stupid? Use a stage name?
Yo no se.
Warren Beatty is being sued by Tribune Media Services for the rights to Dick Tracy.
He says he has the rights. They say they do. I say, no one cares about Dick Tracy anymore.
Now, if someone asked me what I thought of Vin Diesel as Beetle Bailey or Oliver Platt as Heathcliff, I’d never stop clapping and/or drawing dollar signs in the air.
KOSHER DOG FIGHT is the follow-up to the cover story.
Turns out a non-Jewish employee was sent to a Kosher market to get some hot dogs (they had unexpectedly run out) and he bought non-Kosher ones somewhere else instead (this is why people without the proper training should never improvise). The owner of the restaurant insists that the day of the riot was the only day this ever happened or ever would.
Something just occurred to me.
As a kid growing up in Riverdale (yes, Archie’s Riverdale was based on my Riverdale — I’ve even met Mr. Weatherbee!), the local news always had these scare-tactic promos that I’d laugh about with my mom. We’d joke that the commercial would say, “Is your drinking water safe? Tune in tonight at 11:00 to find out the shocking truth!” and then, as the news program came to an end, the anchorman would say, “Thanks for watching. See you tomorrow. Oh, and your drinking water is totally safe.”
Not sure if it’s always been this way (prolly), but I’ve been noticing recently that reading the accompanying article usually uncovers discrepancies (if not outright contradictions) with the headlines they appear under (see yesterday’s RETARD BOWLER SO INCREDIBLY MAD AT OBAMA! expose).
But then sometimes, the headline accurately tells the tale. Like…
Pope crowd crush kills 2
Popenfuhrer Benedict XVI wanted to convert some Angolans away from their ridiculous beliefs in witchcraft and sorcery (what rubes!) and towards the story of the man who was also the Holy Trinity and got his mother pregnant with himself and died and came back and died again and he’s totally coming back, but only if you give the church 10%.
Prior to his arrival, a series of stampedes broke out at the stadium he was speaking at. Tens of thousands of Angolans started pushing and shoving and rioting. One man and one woman died, 18 others were injured.
Benedict arrived later that day and another riot broke out, inuring another 20 (or more) people.
Amen.
Harrison Ford, 66, and Calista Flockhart, 44, are engaged to be married.
Reports say that he proposed to her over Valentine’s Day weekend. That’s generally a great time to propose to the woman you love. Especially if she publicly humiliates and/or emasculates you at an Applebee’s the night before.
Congratulations, Han ‘n’ Ally!
Ah. Here on page 7 (which, as per usual, appears before Page Six), we finally learn about (and see a picture of!) Laura Ling.
We also learn that North Korea didn’t kidnap one American journalist. They kidnpped two. But I guess Euna Lee isn’t related to anyone important, so she isn’t pictured (or named until the third paragraph). North Korea claims that the two women (who were reporting on a story for Al Gore’s Current TV) crossed into their country from China (that’s totes not legal). Conflicting reports are surfacing that the women were in China when they were arrested — they were asked to stop filming by North Koreans and refused, so they were arrested.
Lisa Ling’s name is mentioned three times and she has a big photo. Laura Ling’s is mentioned four times and she’s in the photo with Lisa. Doug Ling, their father, is mentioned and quoted.
Euna Lee is mentioned once.
Method Man’s 2008 Lincoln Navigator got seized. He failed to pay the state’s Department of Taxation $52,503, so they took his ride.
D-o-T ain’t nothin’ ta fuck with.
“They chant the slogan of change but no change is seen in practice. We haven’t seen any change.”
This was recently said by:
a) Michelle Malkin
b) Rush Limbaugh
c) Ayatollah Ali Khamenei
d) Bill O’Reilly
e) Ann Coulter
Once again, the paper that can’t stop telling people that Obama had no business filling out an NCAA bracket is criticizing his picks.
You say he only went 19-for-32 in Round One?
I guess his White half filled it out, right?
(I’m just saying what they’re implying)
Did you know that Sean Penn shot scenes for the awful new Harrison Ford movie Crossing Over? And that he demanded they be cut because he objected to a scene in the film that he found objectionable (allegedly)?
The scene was an “honor killing” of an Iranian woman by her brother.
Sean Penn has a boner for Iran, sez Page Six (today on page 12).
Incidentally, the answer to the earlier multiple choice question was c). But you get partial credit for answering a), b), d) or e).
Somewhere, Graham Chapman is laughing (and having lots of sex with younger men).
A pub in Shoreditch (in east London) was evacuated and the nearest roads were shut down for over an hour. A British bomb squad was sent in to deal with the recently discovered explosive device. Except what was suspected of being a hand grenade was actually a cheap replica of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch (as featured in Monty Python and the Holy Grail).
Cue footage of old women clapping.
Mom and her daughter are a modeling team. They live in Connecticut. They’re suing ad agency Draftfcb, the Partnership for a Drug-Free America and 15 other groups — for $90,000,000.
The models claim that their faces appeared in an ad campaign without their consent. And that the photos were manipulations of photos that they didn’t allow the agency to manipulate.
The ad was a full-page ad featuring the mother and child under the headline Rebuild After Meth.
The ad tells the story of “Teresa.” Her “life took a sharp turn when she started using meth to lose weight. She abandoned her family, including her 4-year-old daughter, for nearly a year in search of her next high.”
I wish there was a photo of the ad. Just so that, if I ever see the mom on the street I could demand that she answer my repeated, increasingly frantic cries of, “how could you?”
We all know who Christopher Nolan is (director of Memento, The Dark Knight and Batman Begins). And most of you will recognize the name of his brother, Jonathan (co-writer of The Prestige and Terminator: Salvation).
But do you know of Matthew Nolan?
He’s 40 and was arrested last week in Chicago.
He is now awaiting extradition to Costa Rica where he (and his partner) is accused of luring a Florida businessman to a hotel and kidnapping and torturing him to death (after his family failed to meet their ransom demands).
How does this story not get priority over Lisa Ling’s sister? Oh, wait. Lisa Ling is prettier than the Nolan Brothers. Never mind.
Kyle Smith, thank you for the first sentence of your latest partisan kvetch. Once I saw, “A reading from the Book of Barack, 3:22:09. And the word was heard from above,“ I knew it wasn’t worth my time. Please begin your movie reviews with the same “people only like Obama because they think he’s Jesus” straw man. I’d save ever-so-much time.
Ralph Peters is reviewing a book? Really? What’s it called?
United in Hate: The Left’s Romance with Tyranny and Terror by Jamie Glazov. Ah. That explains it.
Ralph writes, “Jamie Glazov, the editor of frontpagemag.com, describes the reaction of Leftist acquaintances to the fall of the Twin Towers: ‘Never had I seen them so happy, so hopeful and ready for another attempt at creating a glorious and revolutionary future. Without doubt, September 11 represented a personal vindication for them.’”
If I owned a bookstore and people came in to buy this book, I would re-enact the scene in Time Bandits where Robin Hood gives the purloined goods to the poor.
“Is that… really necessary?”
“Ooo eh ooo arr.”
“He says, yeah, he’s afraid it is.”
Here is a challenge for you, the readers.
Find someone — any age, any race, any height — who enjoyed the new Nicolas Cage movie, Kn0w1ng. Film critics don’t count (for anything).
And their enjoyment must be irony-free. You have until December of 2012.
Mario Lopez and Joe Francis are buddies!
I… can totally see that, actually.
Finally, Mr. Mougis posted this on Facebook. I’m-a post it here. When you have an hour to read, learn and cry about the current financial crisis, click here: http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/26793903/the_big_takeover/print
Enjoy what remains of the weekend.
Not sure if this has been considered already, but if you watch The Room with friends and booze, might I suggest doing a shot every time Johnny tells someone to not worry about something?
What fun that was.
Top left corner of page 2.
Groud Zero developer seeks bailout
What the fuck, guys. I know it’s Saturday, but really?
My BPF has announced that any requests he gets for people to lobby his administration will be posted online, along with how the lobbyists propose spending the money they’re asking for.
For all of the folks who have been holding up straw men and screaming, “is this the change he was talking about?” let me direct you to this news item and reply, “no – this is.”
Page 9 is devoted entirely to Kolan McConiughey. Here’s the first paragraph:
“A Special Olympics pin-hitting champ yesterday challenged President Obama to take his foot out of his mouth and lace up his bowling shoes for a pickup game on the lanes.”
Wow! Sounds like this guy is mad! Unless you read further.
“Bring it on… He bowled a 129. I bowl a 300. I could beat that score easily.He’s cool, but he can’t beat me.”
Gee, Post, Kolan don’t sound angry. In fact, what it sounds like (if I may be so bold), is that someone who should know better asked Kolan questions in the hopes of getting him to say something that fit your pre-written headline (BAM: BRING IT ON!). You know, maybe asked him, “Did you know that President Obama said he’s better than you at bowling? How do you feel about that?”
Doesn’t matter that in the NINTH paragraph, his foster mom says “We didn’t take any offense to that comment. It wasn’t an intentional slam.”
The foster mom gets it. I get it. Kolan gets it. Obama was saying that he bowled as if he were physically handicapped in some way. I agree that it was inappropriate to say. But let’s not ignore that some Special Olympians, as The Onion pointed out years ago in their whistle-blowing expose, have received medals for merely crying and running away.
Seriously, though, Kolan is disabled and he sees this story for what it is. Even a blind man could. Even a blind man has!
“He really was, I think, making fun of himself,” says Governor Paterson in Obama’s defense.
So what’s your excuse, Post?
Ed Westwick chatted up a lady who was buying Orangina. Thanks, Page Six (on page 10 today).
Need I point out that Ed is on Gossip Girl?
DoSomething.org has created a short re-enactment of the Chris Brown/Rihanna incident, using white teens. The PSA video is online at http://www.nypost.com/video/?channel=NY+Post&clipid=1458_473841&bitrate=300&format=flash (it’s unpleasant to watch, but it does help explain some of their injuries).
And at the end, there’s an ad for the free bracelets you can order from them (for free). One blue, two black. This signifies that 1 in 3 teens are in an abusive relationship.
See what they did there?
What can the sound of one woman cracking gum accomplish? What of ten? Twenty?
New Joisey’s classiest have successfully defeated a proposal to ban Brazilian waxes.
Spa owner Linda Orsuto declared, “It was an unnecessary issue. In New Jersey especially, where the government has been picking our pockets for so long, it was like, ‘Just stay out of our pants, will you?’”
So if you’re in New Jersey and you want your vagina to look like a child’s (but don’t want to, you know, shave it yourself), you still can.
(waves miniature American flag)
Germany has to once and for all decide if men are superior to women. And the way to do it is named Sarah Gronert.
Sarah was born with a hoo-hoo and a shimmy-shammy. She became a tennis sensation as a teenager and decided to play as a woman. Three years ago, her rivals accused her hoo-hoo of giving her an unfair advantage. So Sarah had her hoo-hoo removed (leaving only the shimmy-shammy) and returned to tournament play.
Her rivals are again accusing Sarah of being more man than woman (even without the hoo-hoo) and demand that she be barred from ladyplay.
And so, as I said, Germany will have to decide whether or not men are inherently superior to women.
I trust them to make the right decision.
(I almost kept a straight face typing that.)
Pages 14 and 15 are photos of an ape nursery in Malaysia.
Those are some cute ape babies (apebies?).
Great idea or the worst idea you’ve heard all week?
Christian Troy has co-founded a company (and by doing so, confounded me) called Popcardz.
They’re baseball cards, but for celebrities. So, like, you pay $3 for a pack of baseball cards and instead of baseball players, you get a photo of Jessica Biel on one side and on the back “some little-known trivia about a TV or movie star.”
For Biel’s card, that includes the easily-worth-$3 nugget that Jessica thinks the world would be a better place if “animals could talk.”
Assuming this article doesn’t cause a consumer frenzy, you can buy this crap at Toys R Us.
I think David Wright is falling in love with Derek Jeter.
Can you blame him?
Michael Starr! Have I mentioned how awful you are at your job? Well, y’are, Blanche! Y’are!
He’s letting us know that on Wednesday, Law & Order will air a new episode that rips the Bernie Madoff story from the headlines. And the Madoff character will be played by Edward Hermann.
No it isn’t, you jackass.
Edward Herrmann. Two r’s. One of his generation’s greatest character actors. Spell his fucking name right, you tit.
Did Ellen’s brother Vance DeGeneres just agree to donate his sperms to put in Portia De Rossi’s shimmy-shammy?
Please stop sending me Star magazine. Please. I don’t want to know these things. I’ll pay you to stop. Please.
OK. Tomorrow I’m-a try to work on the site. Make it prettier. Install the “more” button and sitch.
See you then, then.
And I’ll have an update on why North Korea is holding Lisa Ling’s sister hostage.
Went to the first East Coast screening of The Room last night at midnight (alone, as Teresa fell ill in the early evening). I got there at around 11:00 p.m. and already there was a line. I read The Onion for a few minutes before realizing that two of the people standing in front of me were none other than The Cowboy and John. I haven’t seen them in many years, but I re-introduced myself to John (Curtis either recognized me or his sunglasses hid well his lie), who like anyone who has ever known me was immediately overcome with an ocean of pleasant memories of us. They introduced me to their companion for the evening, Chris (who I would later figure out was MC Chris — of Adult Swim fame). The three of us stood in line, doing bits, trying to hide our fear/contempt for the people around us who, for some reason, kept throwing around inflatable footballs and tripping.
We were let in shortly after midnight and bumped into someone else I haven’t seen in five or more years, Jake Fogelnest. The five of us found our seats and waited. A lot. It took forever to start the movie. But just before they did, David Wain (woo-hoo!) introduced the movie. Well, actually, no he didn’t. He introduced the introduction and Q & A– which was given by none other than Tommy Wiseau. Questions were asked by the audience and Tommy gave what some considered answers.
I had three queries (Are you drunk? Are you retarded? WHAT NATIONALITY IS THAT ACCENT?) but asked none of them. He exited to much fanfare and we waited another 15 minutes. Finally, the movie started.
Diana, I have to tell you something. Maybe if I had watched this by myself on a TV I would’ve gotten bored. I might hate this movie. But I had one of the greatest experiences of my adult life. And (sorry, C & J) it’s a better worst movie than Troll 2. I mean, the details of Troll 2 don’t make sense (if you turn a human into a vegetable and then eat him, you are not a vegetarian; if you are a group of evil goblins, why are you in a movie about trolls?), but the story is easily described and (kinda) understood.
I have so many actual questions about The Room. Here is a sampling:
1) Is the titular room the living room? The bedroom? The roof? Is it a metaphor? Is it a reference to the space between two people in a relationship?
2) Whatever happened to that drug dealer?
3) Why were Johnny, his best friend, a psychologist acquintance and the 18-year-old whose life Johnny was subsidizing (and who jumps into bed with Johnny and his girlfriend and then seems hurt that they’re asking him to leave — which they did a minute earlier when they were all downstairs) for some reason all wearing tuxedoes?
4) Why did I have to watch a sex scene prominently featuring Johnny TWICE in the first 10 minutes of the movie?
5) Whose idea was it to give that old woman breast cancer?
6) Is it actually common for people in San Francisco to carry blank cassette tapes in their oversized suit jacket pockets?
7) Was that really the best take? (this question can be asked at just about any point in the film)
I have literally hundreds more, but this should give you an idea of how poorly thrown together the movie is. What it doesn’t give you an idea of, though, is how amazing it is to watch the movie in a packed theater. The guy behind me had a hit : miss ratio of about 1 : 20, but when we learned about Denny (Danny? Lenny? WHAT NATIONALITY IS THAT ACCENT?) and Johnny’s relationship, he whispered “creepy” and I almost cried. There was a woman on the other side of the theater who was an obvious pro. Her directive that we pay attention to the female lead’s neck during one scene was itself worth the price of admission. And Chris astutely pointed out (earlier than anyone else it should be noted) that the cabinet on the roof had no staircase for anyone to go down, so actors enter and stand there as the door closes.
In the opening credits, I noticed that the third-billed actor served as the film’s line producer, as well (did Tommy ask his actor to line produce or did he ask his line producer to act?). When he and the female lead had a sex scene on the stairs (it was as awkwardly shot and performed as it sounds), their kisses were almost Minnelli-Gest in their weirdness. So I announced, “that guy kisses like a line producer!” It was my finest moment of the evening. The crowd laughed for a good long while and I actually heard two people repeating it as they left the theater.
My runner-up line of the night was for the female lead and her mother. The lead tells mom that she hates Johnny and cheated on him with his best friend and wants to leave him because he’s boring. The mom tells her she should stay with him because he’s going to buy her a house. I waited for a lull and cried, “they’re a family of cunts!”
Thank you to the four extremely funny guys I sat with. Thank you to Tommy Wiseau. And thank you, Diana. Because I am going to watch this movie 1,000 times in the next year.
And you know what? Every time I do, I will scream just as loud each time I see Johnny’s naked skin. He looks like the 1963 Bumfights Champion.
If you ever get a chance to see this movie in a theater with other people, do it. Next time it’s in New York, I’ll be there.
We watched clips of the Larry the Cable Guy roast last night. And once again, Jeffrey Ross (whose quote is today’s title) and Greg Giraldo stole (what we saw of) the show. I look forward to Gitting R on DVD.
The front page screams NO JOKE! with a photo of Obama and Jay Leno from the POTUS’ appearance on The Tonight Show last night. The cover goes on to further chastise my BPF with O yuks it up on Leno as economy burns which is really solid reporting. I remember when American soldiers were dying in a war based on lies and the then-president went to Crawford to drink Near Beer and come up with nicknames for his staff — boy, did the Post let him have it.
Wait. No they didn’t. Hurm.
I’ll get back to this in a minute. B’first?
New Jersey is about to get a whole lot bushier.
Officials there are proposing a ban on Brazilian waxes. Not wax from Brazil — the removal of all pubic hair from the nethers of a lady. Because two women got an infection from their Brazilian waxings.
Five bucks says Hillary Clinton is behind this. First she took our sucking candies… then our carrots…
Madoff’s wife was found at a Food Emporium on the UES, buying detergent and Deli Deluxe American Cheese. But when she saw all the photographers, she yelled, “Oh, this is crazy, forget this! Oh, very exciting. I went to the grocery store.”
It’s all about the context, Ruth. That you’re in a supermarket? Not exciting. That you may have been one of the masterminds behind why tens of thousands of families in this country now have nothing where they once had plenty? Exciting. Fotogs following you around and making you uncomfortable wherever you go? Necessary.
And if you don’t like it, remember that you live on the top floor of a building. Or I would be happy to send you some cheese. With detergent. Just have your butler call my butler. Better yet, when you pick up the phone to call me? Just strike the receiver against your skull as hard and as often as you can.
Andrew Cuomo just put together an indictment for Hank Morris, who faces 123 counts (including bribery, money laundering, securities fraud and much much more).
Morris is a (now former) consultant to the Democratic Party (and a longtime and influential one at that).
Also indicted is David Loglisci, the former state pension fund manager. They are accused of directing over $4,000,000,000 from the pension fund to private equity firms, venture-capital funds and businesses, in exchange for bullshit “placement fees.”
Loglisci also got $290,000 to help his brothers, Anthony and Steve, produce the movie Chooch. Seriously.
Well, that’s money no one will ever see again. In any form.
Over four dozen 9/11 survivors and their families staged a protest at City Hall yesterday. The city had declared that the medical claims of 4,600 uniformed cops, firefighters and paramedics who helped at Ground Zero (at the time and in the many months that followed) should be thrown out of court because those guys (and gals) don’t qualify for the same protections that ordinary “workingmen” (like mechanics) get.
On the one hand, there’s some shady shit going on with the NYPD/NYFD pensions and overtime and whatnot.
But on the other hand, every member of the New York Legislative branch that supports this action should be astonishingly ashamed of themselves.
Kenley Collins and Zak Penley will each keep one cat.
Wait. What? Didn’t someone just get a two-figure sentence for throwing a dog off a balcony? And this idiot gets to use one cat as a weapon and then keep the other?
If I didn’t despise cats and most of the people who own them, this would really piss me off.
Back to Obama (and all the horrible things he does).
1) The DVDs he gave Gordon Brown are the wrong region for British DVD players.
1a) Well, what with the economic crisis, maybe Obama was agreeing with this awful paper? Maybe this was his way of telling Brown that now is not the time to watch DVDs?
2) Obama has reached out to Iran.
2a) Good. I am afraid of them.
3) Charles “I am constantly asking to be” Hurt calls Obama’s filling out a March Madness bracket (and his appearance on The Tonight Show) a “foul joke on taxpayers.”
3a) Again, why are you so concerned all of a sudden with the work : play ratio of the POTUS? And if you truly believe that he (and we) needs to concentrate on the matters at hand (and not, you know, bullshit like the NCAA) THEN WHY DO YOU ALSO CRITICIZE OBAMA FOR NOT PUTTING DUKE IN HIS FINAL FOUR? It’s like the hack joke “The food is inedible and the portions are too small.”
4) Obama made a Special Olympics joke on TTS.
4a) I got nuthin. That’s just dumb. But the article on page 11 does point out that Obama’s filling out the bracket was due to a promise he made to ESPN’s Andy Katz before the election. So, again, fuck you, Hurt.
In order to make a name for yourself in politics, you have to have a hook. Something that sets you apart from the crowd. Sometimes you get ridiculed (Dennis Kucinich believes in UFOs), sometimes your audience grows exponentially (Pat Buchanan has repeatedly and vociferously denied the Holocaust took place).
Look for Staten Island Rep Michael McMahon in the years ahead. He was the only NY Democrat to vote against the bill that will retake the AIG bonuses. He told anyone who’d listen that he believes legislation shouldn’t be “dictated by the latest headlines.”
I bet his contribution kitty doubles in the next 24 hours.
What’s right with the following sentence:
Sean Stewart appeared on Judge Jeanine Pirro yesterday because he owed a personal trainer $5,000 and claimed his father (singer Rod) refused to pay — to which Pirro replied, “Your dad has a lot of money. Why is he so cheap?”
I can only assume Sean’s answer was, “probably because I’m the kind of son who would go on a show like this and air his allegedly dirty laundry. Also, how’s your husband doing, JP?”
Kristin Chenoweth has written a memoir wherein she recalls that security once had to remove a man from You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown because he has furiously masturbating during Kristin’s song, “My New Philosophy.”
And that man grew up to be Aaron Sorkin. And now you know…
…the rest of the story.
Josef Fritzl was given life.
Wrong gift, your honor.
They caught the guy that shot the arrow into that womn in Riverdale.
Turns out it was Aaron Sorkin.
Steve Lobel is suing Louis Vuitton. Who cares.
What’s interesting, though, is that the article claims that he’s the manager of Bone Thugs-n-Harmony and Nipsey Hussle.
Is Nipsey Hussle a man? A band? A canal?
I don’t know. I know that I was in an improv group in college called Nipsey’s Rustle. I know that when I was working on the National College Comedy Festival and tried to get him to be the honored guest, his manager laughed and hung up on me when I told him what it would pay.
And I know that Nipesy Hussle is a great name for whatever it is.
Cindy Adams (once again) tries her (brittle, dusty) hand at comedy:
“Barbie is now 50. Next up has to be Divorced Barbie. She’ll come complete with a real estate license and yeast infection.”
Get in the box, Cindy.
Members of the staff at a high school in Dallas are being charged with… well, being Texans, I guess.
There’s an investigation into whether or not they would bring fighting students into a locker room and put them in a steel cage, where they would fight like the wrestlers on the picturebox. Except for real.
Please secede. President Norris would be a real good fit for you. Please. Secede.
Bill O’Reilly has proof that Cheney didn’t run a secret assassination squad out of the White House (as Seymour Hersh claims). “If Cheney really had such a crew, Hersh would have been dead a long time ago, and so would most everybody at MSNBC.”
Wow. I had no idea O’Reilly sees Hersh and MSNBC in such high regard.
Tool.
Kyle “The remake of The Last House on the Left is actually really good” Smith gives I Love You, Man two stars and claims that “watching this movie is like listening to Michael Jackson tell you what real men are like.” Which I’d imagine is not a 2-out-of-4 star experience, but OK. He gives Knowing one and a half stars and decries, “The movie begins shameless, grows stupid and winds up silly. If the end had less of the air of a crackpot religion and more pretentiousness, you could call it Shyamalanish.”
Is he paid by the star? Like, what has to happen for a movie to get no stars?
And on page 61, my question is answered – Adam West has to appear as himself.
Super Capers gets zero stars from Kyle.
Mariano retired the side with five pitches last night.
Come on, new season, giddy up!
VH1 will be revamping Behind the Music. What’s wrong, guys? Did you run out of waitresses with chlamydia that want to fight for the honor of touching some old musician’s filthy junk?
Might you… show music videos again on Video Hits One?
Nah.
How very gladitorial.
American Idol’s new Judges’ Save rule gives contestants a chance to beg for a second (third? fourth? what week is it?) chance. When you’re being voted off, you get to stare at the three (well, three and a half if you count Paula) judges while singing your song again. The producers say that Alexis Grace’s fear and pain meant big numbers when she feverishly tried to beg her way back (and failed).
They loved the “extremely raw moment.”
Which I assume is a reference to the realization that you have crabs.
It’s so damned late! Teresa had the day off today, so we stayed up late and slept waaaaay in today. And tonight? The Room!
Happy weekend almost!
The headline and subheadline (Pussy whipped! Diva bashes lover – with her cat) accompany a photo of a man and woman I do not recognize. A quick peak at page 3 reveals them to be… Kenley Collins and Zak Penley. Apparently, she (Kenley) was a finalist on Project Runway (I hate going clothes shopping for myself. It’s worse when I’m standing around waiting for my wife. But a show where I get to see people fight over who gets to make more clothes that my wife can try on while I listen to Venezuelan electro-samba? What’s the opposite of “sign me up”?).
According to “sources,” Penley was sleeping in their apartment in Williamsburg (at 7:00 a.m.) and Collins threw one of their cats at him (at this time, it is still unclear whether the cat was Arlo or Sandra). Then she threw her laptop at him. Then she slammed a door on his head. Then he called the cops and then she threw three apples at him and doused him with water.
Penley is in a punk band called Shred Bundy. And if they hadn’t broken off their engagement, Ms. Collins would have become Kenley Penley. But, for now, she remains some lady on a reality show that I never watched and now I know her name (and who knows what brilliant bit of trivia is forever lost from my brain as a result).
Her son is smiling. Her husband is smiling. These are photos taken of Natasha Richardson’s family as they return to their Upper West Side digs (after pulling the plug on Natasha). Among her hospital visitors were Meryl Streep, Joan Didion and Lauren Bacall. Among the opportunists who need to attach their names to her death are Lindsay Lohan (who was in The Parent Trap with her 11 years ago and told reporters, “She was a wonderful woman and actress and treated me like her own. I didn’t see much of her over the years, but I will miss her.”), and Regis Philbin (who lived in her building and opined, “It’s one of the saddest tings I’ve ever experienced.”).
I’m just glad that, before she passed away, she got to see her husband become a legitimate action star (she met him after Darkman) and guest star on The Simpsons. And the smiles on her son and husband? I didn’t mean to make them sound cold. Apparently there was a large crowd outside their apartment and I imagine that offered them some solace. When a loved one dies, it helps to know that others mourn their passing with you.
Natasha Richardson was a great actress. From what I read, she was a great wife and mother, too.
Our condolences go out to all the Richardsons, Redgraves and Neesons.
A 2-year-old girl choked to death on a piece of carrot at her day care in Hicksville.
Oh no! Now that Hillary is secretary of state, who will demand warning labels for carrots???
Chris Dodd is now accusing the Obama administration of “bullying” him into creating a loophole for the AIG bonuses. The administration denies it. Dodd has gotten over $280,000 in donations from AIG over the years (more than anyone else in Congress).
Shut up, Chris.
The Post’s D.C. Bureau Chief, Charles Hunt (in yet another water-carrying Republican solo circle-jerk), laments that “As Rome burned this week, Obama was busy filling out his March Madness basketball bracket.”
Should I point out the mild racist undertone? The fact that the last guy, despite starting TWO wars and being in charge during the largest terrorist attack on our soil SPENT MORE TIME ON VACATION THAN ANY OTHER PRESIDENT? That referring to AIG’s bailout as a Congressional Ponzi scheme is duplicitous, disingenuous and sort of what Jim Cramer does for a living now?
Let’s just move on
How long before someone makes a t-shirt that says, “My government gave away $180,000,000,000 of my money and All I Got was this lousy t-shirt.”?
Marvin “Popcorn” Sutton killed himself.
He was the author of Me and My Likker, which chronicled his long life as an Appalachian moonshiner. He was supposed to go to prison for 18 months for moonshining. He was 62.
His tombstone bears no dates; there are only four words on it.
POPCORN SAID FUCK YOU
Amen, Marvin.
He is survived by his wife, Pam, and their son, Mark “Howard” Sutton.
Mark Sutton is not actually related to Popcorn (though I have a feeling he wishes he were).
Republicans are holding a lot of fundraisers for Andrew Cuomo. Is this to curry favor when he’s governor? Or to convince him to ease off of his current crusades (against their biggest fundraisers LOL!!)?
Eric Holder, hero to college students everywhere, announced that federal agents will now target marijuana distributors ONLY when they violate both federal and state law.
California is stoked.
So Radar magazine is no more. I had a subscription. I figured they’d refund me the unused portion (roughly $4?). Instead, I’m now receiving Star. While they both end in “ar,” this is like your subscription to Spy running out and having it replaced with Jane.
Anyhoodles, I saw a picture of Courtney Love and alls I can say is whoever worked on her eyes? Needs to be sued.
And did you know that Jessica Simpson hired someone to follow her around and be a “food cop” for her and stop her binge eating? B’also? She loves nachos!
Me, too!
George W. Bush’s memoir (“What’s in the suitcase, Snake? Underwear? Your memoir?” “Yeah… my memories.” “Snake, could you be dumber?”) will hit shelves in 2010. It’s called Decision Points. And he is being paid $7,000,000 for it.
And on Page Six (on page 15 today), there’s a picture of Jessica Szohr! From Gossip Girl! Holding a puppy and smiling! Does the Post own stock in the CW?
Attention homosexuals and lonely women! Bravo will produce a Real Housewives of New Jersey show! That’s another hour of shallow women just for you!
I give Bravo two years. Then it will change its name to the OMG! network.
The 73-year-old guy in Germany who’s on trial for keeping his daughter in a dungeon for 24 years (from 18 to 42) and continually raping her (she gave birth to seven kids in that time – one died in the dungeon) has decided that his trial can stop. He has seen the error of his ways. Josef Fritzl is pleading guilty. And may the Devil not have mercy on what passes for his soul. Or his nuts.
The flying car is a reality. It will hit the market in 2011.
Great job, Terrafugia. Surely, this will lead to fewer car and plane accidents, no?
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you one of the catalysts of Apocalypto!
Hey, Mougis! David Wright broke his toe nail playing baseball
Your team is so vagified!
I don’t think Aaron Boone’s coming back to the Yankees. He’s scheduling open heart surgery to replace an aortic valve.
Maybe he and La Isla Bonita and Barry Bonds can all hang out together!
This is not a joke. No exaggerating, no de-contextualizing.
Dr. Drew Pinsky, host of Loveline and star of Celebrity Rehab, Celebrity Rehab 2, and Celebrity Rehab Presents Sober House, has just written a book called The Mirror Effect: How Celebrity Narcissism is Seducing America.
Does he take some of the heat maybe for, say, creating the aforementioned trainwrecks and, you know, seducing America with them? Nope.
“We figured out way [to get celebrities into rehab] — you put them on TV and you pay ‘em. We don’t care what their motivation is as long as we can get them in.”
Isn’t the first rule of overcoming addiction that the addict has to want to overcome it? Like, I haven’t smoked a cigarette in months and the temptation is there — the opportunity is also ever-present — but I don’t because I want a long life with my wife and because my stupid mayor priced me out of the smoking market.
How can someone who claims to be a fancy TV doctor not grok this? Or is he, too, Jim Cramerring? Yeah… never mind. Just answered m’own quezzie.
The TV section has AN ARTICLE ABOUT GOSSIP GIRL.
Ready? No Doubt will be on the May 11th show but they’ll be called Snowed Out and it’ll take place in 1983 and they’ll cover Stand and Deliver by Adam and the Ants!
Wait… is Rupert Murdoch Gossip Girl?
I’ll try to return and write a review of the new Last House on the Left later today. But in the meantime, I’ll try to hawk one. I’ll try to hawk one. In the meantime.
Peas!
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