When I was born in 1974, people took pride in their writing. They had to – there were no laptops. No Kinko’s. If you made a mistake while typing, you had to remove your paper from the typewriter, use Liquid Paper to cover the mistake, wait for it to dry, put the paper back into the typewriter and pray that you can line it back up to its original position. So few if any folks back then would just type something — not read it — and send it to a publisher. But today? That seems to be the status quo.

Message board sloppiness (and Twitter brainfarts like “This line is takig forevr!!!1!”) are bad enough, but when there are typographical errors in THE NAME OF YOUR TELEVISION SHOW (Good Morning America, I’m talking to you) or THE SIX-WORD HEADLINE OF YOUR NEWSPAPER (wait for it), that’s kind of inexcusable (in my humble opinion).

And, for the record. I was not asked if the comma preceding “too” at the end of a sentence was obsolete, and I did not vote to rescind that grammatical law, so I will continue to put it in my sentences. People who don’t can take pride in making our country dumber as we slowly devolve into grunting cavemen (first, they came for the commas…). They can kiss m’ass, too.

---

NOT SO

FAST YOU

GREEDY

BASTARDS

Really? No comma between FAST and YOU? Huh.

Today’s headline refers to Geithner claiming the government may tax those AIG bonuses at 100% (and that the bonus money will be deducted from AIG’s bailout moneys).

And what does Michelle Malkin think of this? Spare us your fake fury, DC hypocrites

Why is it always people like Malkin and Limbaugh and Coulter — who have built careers on fake outrage — who throw around “fake outrage” like an insult?

---

Governor Onhiswayout Magoo has ripped apart Malcolm Smith’s MTA bailout plan and is now trying to meet with Republicans to try and get a better deal from them.

Tick tock, Dave.

---

The feds are going after Bernie Madoff’s family now.

In a related story, Henry Winkler has been cast as Alice the Goon in Lars Von Trier’s new Popeye film.

---

Natasha Richardson is brain dead and her family gathered at a opital on the Upper East Side last night to say their final goodbyes. Michael Riedel begins his mini-editorial with, “As beautiful and talented as she is, Natasha Richardson should have a much bigger film career.”

Which would have been a much nicer thing to say BEFORE her brain stopped working and her family was discussing ending what remains of her life.

Jerk.

---

Does schadenfreude get any better than two Q-list celebrities gettin’ up in each other’s grills?

Remember Jeremy Piven and Stephen Dorff exchanging words about who had the more pathetic career (I believe they were on line for the bathroom at a club — as if the story needed to be more hilarious)? That was a good one.

How about Nikki Blonsky and Bianca Golden? One was fat in that movie with the singing and the other was on a reality show for people who want to be the next top model or something. They and their entourages came to blows at the Turks and Caicos airport last August. Golden claimed that the melee began when someone in her family asked one of the Blonsky bunch to move some bags to free up a seat, and the Blonsky replied with a muttering of the n-word. Blonsky claims the fight started when someone in the Golden group declared (apropos of nothing), “I don’t want to sit next to any white bitch!”

Golden’s mother got her nose broken and her skull cracked.

And now the Blonsky family is being sued by the first lawyer they got in T & C.

And you all still have no idea who they are.

The system works!

---

There is a picture of Amy Winehouse on Page Six (which is on page 11 today) that will ad some hefty logs to the embarrassment fire that is her life.

AND THIS IS THE PHOTO OF HER ON HER WAY TO COURT.

Oh, England. Thanks for making (most of) the cast of Sober House look intelligent.

---

If there is a “Crazy Charles” Carneglia bio-pic being rushed through production, please cast Bill Noble (one of my favorite Annoyance mainstays back in the dizzay) as the convicted murderer. I actually turned the page and thought, “Oh no! Did Bill Noble get arrested in his pajamas? Again?”

---

(For my older, more learned readers)

Sarah Jane Olson was released from prison last night. Already there are rumors going around that she will be named to Obama’s cabinet. Possibly to head up Homeland Security, possibly to be yet another straw man for pundits to cling to.

---

The family of the woman who was mauled by that chimp on Connecticut is now suing the chimp’s owner for $50,000,000. Um… yeah. The woman showed up with a teddy bear for the chimp. She knew him to be friendly. The family has no case (and the defendant don’t got no $50,000,000).

Sorry, Charla.

---

Oh, Danny boy. You played right into her hands!

Daniel O’Brien, 30, was told by his 28-year-old wife that she was considering aborting their child (she’s 10-weeks pregnant). He wanted to explain that he found that unacceptable because of how precious life is, but he couldn’t find the right words. So he threw her on the bed, sat on her belly and slapped, choked and kicked her instead.

He was arrested for reckless endangerment and assault. His son will be so proud.

---

OMG! We haven’t had access to NY1 in years, and we miss waking up to In The Papers.

Pat Kiernan is now launching patspapers.com which will be a national version of ITP.

Yayz!

---

I thought I was going to make it through an entire paper without reading about the Gossip Girl cast. Thankfully, someone at the TV section wanted everyone to know that Rolling Stone will have an article about them and they just love working with each other.

And I just love seeing all of the shitty horror movies they all starred in prior to their TV show.

---

And I love… you! Happy Wednesday!

There is a photo of A-Rod on the front page. The headline is

I * you

sooo

much

But the * is a heart. And the photo (for Details) shows Alex admiring himself in the mirror. Well, maybe admiring isn’t a strong enough word. How about lustily eyeing? Dreamily yearning for? It really is off-putting (which makes Details and the Post the perfect places for it!). And it makes up 60-70% of the cover. The rest is an “oh, by the way” story about how Obama is going to try and get $165,000,000 in bonuses back from AIG. Their headline is O, NO YOU DON’T!

I imagine the editorial board of the Post is made up of 90-year-olds and every morning one of them asks, “What if we use ‘O’ like what Obama’s people call him sometimes, in the place of ‘Oh’ like what you say when you are surprised?” and everyone (who isn’t sleeping or dying) slowly nods their heads and then someone asks, “Can Kyle Smith write more things also?”

---

Bonus: the author of the Details piece wherein A-Rod stares at himself in the mirror (and, no doubt, digs himself an even deeper grave when he actually answers questions) is Jason Gay.

Also? A-Rod told Gay (tee-hee) what his favorite Madonna song is, but then “frantically reached out to him after the interview” to retract it. I’m going to bet he said “La Isla Bonita.” In fact, that’s your new nickname, Alex: Pretty Island

---

Mets tickets went on sale yesterday at Shiti (nee Citi) Field. You know how many people showed up to buy them? Nine.

NINE, Mougis. That’s just nine more sales than my last film, This Film Is Imaginary and Cannot Be Purchased, got.

---

Oh, Mattel. How much bad press does one company need? Now parents are furious (furious!) about Mattel and Nickelodeon’s unveiling of the new, older interactive Dora doll. She has longer hair (!) and earrings (!!) and a necklace (!!!) and she’s wearng ballet flats (4 !s). Both companies assure fans that the character wll remain unchanged on TV and other media (and other dolls) – this is just a change for the interactive model. But parents are still furious.

Some have begun a petition titled “Let’s Go: No Makeover for Dora” (which I can only hope is less clunky in Spanish).

“Why are you picketing, Mommy?”

“Because I know how much you love Dora and I want to try and show the people who make her toys that…”

“No, Mommy, I mean why are you picketing in front of the MTV Networks building — to complain about one doll of hundreds — when there are so many more important issues to rally behind or against?”

“Go to your room.

---

Remember the guys who hacked the road signs in Texas, Indiana and Illinois last month? Well, they’re here now!

Three signs were altered on Saturday near Houston Street. They read: PARTY AT JULIE’S (cute), NEW YORK IS DYING (deep), and SHIT BIRD ORL (typo?).

How come Texas got all the funny ones (RAPTORS AHEAD – CAUTION is damn funny)

---

Is that Bernie Madoff’s mug shot or an actor playing Alice the Goon in Lars Von Trier’s upcoming Popeye reboot?

(sorry – can’t find the image online yet)

---

Remember the moderate Iranian who was going to get re-elected and push Ahmadinejad out of the picture? Well, he just dropped out of the race.

2012, people. Ask the Mayans.

---

My friend Bethany posted this elsewhere, but it bears reposting.

http://www.counterpunch.org/martens03162009.html

Very interesting stuff re: Jon Stewart and Jim Cramer’s little showdown.

---

Dear Nancy Pelosi,

Stop making it so Goddamned easy for people to despise you.

Like, say, going to see Hair and dancing in the aisles and telling everyone how you know all the songs by heart.

I mean, why stop there? Why not carry burlap sacks filled with granola everywhere you go?

Sincerely,

I don’t have a plane

---

I have never watched a single minute of Gossip Girl, but between reading about the cast on Page Six (on page 11 today) and seeing photos of them EVERY DAY in the paper, I feel like I know them.

I don’t, though. Except I know that one of them was born in a prison.

Thanks, “news” paper.

---

Meg Whitman wants to be the next governor of Cully-foe-knee-ah and is willing to spend roughly $50,000,000 to make that happen.

This may be my theater degree talking, but doesn’t that strike anyone else as a colossal waste of money? Now multiply that by the hundreds of elected positions people run for all over the country.

(waves miniature American flag)

---

Adam Duritz demanded that he be bumped to first class on his flight from LAX to New York. Spent twenty minutes yelling at everbody. Was he arrested? Grounded? Asked repeatedly, “I’m sorry, who did you say you used to be again?”

Nope. He got bumped to first class.

I encourage everyone else in the world to try doing this. Let me know how it works out for you!

---

Bob Dylan’s neighbors in Malibu are angry at him for installing a portable toilet at his beach house. They say it smells. I say, “Why does Bob Dylan need a portable toilet? Is he really that lazy? Or is his beach house that gigantic?

---

Don Imus announced yesterday that he has Stage 2 prostate cancer.

We here at E…W. wish him a speedy and nappy-headed recovery.

---

Natasha Richardson (Mrs. Liam Neeson and a phenomenal actress) is in critical condition after being injured in a skiing accident in Canada yesterday. Traumatic brain injury is what they say she has.

She is 45, has two sons (12 and 13) with Neeson (they’ve been married for 15 years) and was hoping to bring A Little Night Music back to Broadway and star in it with her mother, Vanessa Redgrave.

What we said about Imus was obligatory. What we say about Natasha is absolute truth: Please pull through. You are a treasure and your family needs you. The world is a better place with you in it.

Also, everyone, stay out of Canada.

---

Taylor Swift tells Allure the reason she doesn’t talk about sex publicly:

“It’s fine to talk about love publicly, but I think when you talk about virginity and sex publicly, people just automatically picture you naked.”

Taylor? Guess what everyone reading that sentence just did.

---

Oh, MTA. You are the worst everthing ever.

The new South Ferry station opened yesterday at 12:04 p.m.

It was flooded when a water main broke at Canal Street at 12:23 p.m.

The 1 line was shut down for 3 1/2 hours.

And fares will rise as service (against all odds) gets worse.

---

In February, the Alabama National Guard was asked if an Austrian fashion writer could put on a uniform and train with them. They, naturally, said yes. The Austrian was Bruno (aka Borat aka Ali G).

If one (JUST ONE?!?!?) cadet hadn’t recognized Mr. Cohen and notified his superiors (anyone that doesn’t live in Alabama?), he’d probably be in charge by now.

---

Madonna announced she wants to adopt another Malawian baby.

Wouldn’t it be great if she called the agency and they didn’t believe it was her?

“Hello, this is Madonna. I want another baby from Malawi.”

“Yeah, right. Very funny. Don’t call back.”

“No! Wait! It’s really me!”

“That is the worst most forced British accent I’ve ever heard, and I’ve directed high school theater.”

---

A 50-foot sea monster’s fossilized remains were found in the Arctic. It is being called Predator X. Scientists say that he had a “bite force” of 16.5 tons per square inch, making his chompers more powerful than a T. Rex.

REMIX!

A 50-foot sea monster’s fossilized remains were found in the Arctic. It is being called Predator X. Christian Scientists say that the beast is over 200 years old and may have even fought at Agincourt.

---

Rest in peace, Seattle Post-Intelligencer. Though you will live on online, for those of us that prefer to touch our news and draw mustaches on the pictures therein, your absence from the coffee shops will be felt.

---

Pudge Rodriguez may wind up in Houston.

Joba’s doing what Joba’s s’pos’ta.

Cano’s got tendonitis (he’ll miss a week).

---

The Sci-Fi Channel (aka The Sci-Fi Network aka Sci-Fi aka SciFi aka The This Movie Has To Have Been Made Intentionally Tongue In Cheek, Right? Channel) is being renamed. It will now forever be know as SyFy.

Please join me in pronouncing it “See-Fee” until such time as NBC Universal apologizes for this.

---

So it’s official. Here’s where the journal will live from now on. The old one will remain at the IRC (click the link in my first post for years of hilarity), but for new stuff, you gotsta come here.

Thanks to all the folks who left comments and to everyone that links their blogs to mine. I plan on figuring that stuff out shortly, but we’re almost out of coffee and Teresa had to go to work today without almonds and she punched me real hard-like and what I meant to say is I fell.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Or at the very least, I need to break into someone’s house every week and watch The Soup.

Today I will be posting on the IRC and then copying here. Hopefully this will be easier than I imagine (Go on, laugh, younger generation — I know how pathetic I must seem to you with my years-late appreciation of Facebook and my lack of HTML acumen).

Here goes nuthin…

---

OK. As soon as this post is finished, I’m-a post it at jedresnik.com (I tried to do that to earlier entries, but it seems I can’t post in the past. WordPress… so like reality).

Thus begins the final countdown (dee-doo-deeee-doooo).

---

I don’t have a job. Well, that’s not true. I write for two magazines. And I’ve been known to occasionally proofread other people’s work for money (and the chance to dress like a guest at a bar mitzvah). But I don’t have a 9-to-5 job. You know who does?

Ramez Akladious.

He was given a probationary taxi license in February 26, 2008. In that year and change, he has been arrested for:

Criminal mischief, assault for damaging side-view mirror on another driver’s car, then punching a man in the face on 05/15/08

Slashing the face of a passenger who accused him of taking an unnecessarily long route on 06/07/08

Punching (in the face) and threatening a passenger on 09/22/08

Driving drunk on 10/09/08

B’also? He’s been found guilty of:

No seat belt (01/23/08)!

Failure to signal (04/03/08)!

Disobeying traffic device (08/04/08)!

Running a red light (11/20/08)!

Obstructing traffic (11/20/08)!

And for all this he was fined $1,624 and had his license revoked on Friday.

But the Post warns that he might still be out there, driving his cab drunk, boxcutter in hand.

This could be the first time (since I’ve been reading it) that the Post ran a ghost story on their front page.

(They went on to say that if you look in a mirror and say “I said take this left!” five times fast (but in a condescending way), the next time you take a cab, the driver… will spend the whole time on the phone to Ghana!)

---

This is why Iraqis can’t have nice things.

A fan was so angry that an Iraqi soccer player was about to tie the game, he shot him in the head, killing him instantly.

Did the Post manage to fit “sudden death” into the headline? You betcha!

---

Even “Whatacolossal” Dick Cheney is jumping on the Bush-bashing bandwagon!

Now he’s complaining that I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby wasn’t pardoned. He’s mad that Bush left him “hanging in the wind.”

If only.

---

Scientists at the University of Virginia (tee-hee) have concluded that “the ability to reason, speed of thought, and spatial visualization all peak around 22 and start declining by 27.”

You hear that, my peers? 27 is the new senile!

---

Ben Bernanke predicts the recession will end in 2009.

Hey! That’s this year! YAYZ!

---

The White House (shouldn’t they change the name now that… never mind) is hopping mad at AIG’s passing along of $450,000,000 of taxpayer money to the fuck-ups that made it necessary to get taxpayer money in the first place — in the form of bonuses.

Good.

---

Yesterday’s Washington Post claims that Washington, D.C. has 15,120 residents who are HIV-positive (that’s 3% of the city’s population). They say this puts our nation’s capital “on par with Uganda.”

On the bright side, Bush’s leaving office made our country as a whole lot less like Uganda.

---

Will Tori Spelling’s new book come out before or after Candy Spelling’s?

Oh no! Which one will I not read first?

---

Are Justin Long and Drew Barrymore getting back together?

Sure, why not.

---

Did you know that Robert Redford has been engaged to Sibylle Szaggars since 1996?

Boy, that marriage looks like “a bridge too far,” huh?

See what I did there?

---

Ron Silver is dead? Really? Holy shit!

He was so good in… everything. Heat Vision and Jack. Timecop. Reversal of Fortune. Blue Steel. He was even good in that ghost-rape movie, The Entity.

Godspeed, Ron.

---

If only Tyra and her co-producers had requested police assistance for their tryouts on Saturday, no one would have been injured, says the Post. Oops. Looks like Tyra really is fierce (if fierce means stupid).

Reminds me of some advice I got as a child from the TV: “Remember, if Woody had gone straight to the police, none of this would have happened.”

---

Someone shot a woman in the chest with an arrow yesterday. In Riverdale.

Police are currently looking for Reggie.

---

There is a full-page ad for Suze Orman’s Learning Annex seminar. It’s only $14.95! That’s a savings of $35! The seminar is part of Moneyfest! And the title of her seminar? Grow and Bulletproof Your Money.

The ad promises that “The Up’s [sic] and Downs of the Markets No Longer Have to Affect You!”

What about grammar and the use of apostrophes?

I think I’ll save the whole $49.95 and stay home.

---

Dick Morris co-authored a piece called BOGGLED BAM, which almost rhymes with “gargled urine.”

---

UNBEFUCKINGLIEVABLE.

My wife is having surgery on April 1st (ha ha). Or she was. Turns out the scheduling person at her doctor’s office forgot to put Teresa’s surgery on the doctor’s schedule (oh, you mean her ONE JOB?). So now it’s being moved up a week.

Good thing she doesn’t have a bunch of pre-op appointments to reschedule.

Oh.

I’m glad I don’t know the address of the doctor’s office because I would be there in a heartbeat if I did. And I would be extra-yelly.

Again, I remain barely employed, but this “woman” will keep her “job.”

Sigh.

---

Manny Ramirez has aggravated his sore left hamstring. And everyone in Boston, New York and Los Angeles (at one point or another).

---

Posada’s doing OK. Marte and Cano go in for MRIs today.

Start the damn season already! I’m dyin’ here!

---

Disney is basing their new Jonas Brothers series on Flight of the Conchords.

The show is called JONAS (even though the Jonas Brothers play the Lucas Brothers for absolutely no reason).

I’m sure all the 8-year-olds will appreciate the nod to alternative comedy, Disney.

---

Speaking of Disney, how have they (and/or the Jonas Brothers) not sued South Park yet? Someone give me a raging clue. Please.

---

Gordon Ramsay just sold his Los Angeles restaurant, and is following it up with the sale of his restaurant in Paris.

You donkey.

---

OK. Be strong Teresa (and the rest uh yuzz). This bird’s gotta vacuum.

Hi. This website was just gifted to me, so I am in the process of figuring out how to import my old online journal (on the Improv Resource Center) over here (or if I want to).

While I fiddle with all these pretty buttons, here’s a link to the old journal (which is still being updated daily) for your amusement:

http://improvresourcecenter.com/mb/showthread.php?t=35985

It remains a work in progress.

Thanks for your patronage.