Archive for April, 2009
Is House over for the season? I think it is. And while I am extremely uncomfortable with House becoming the original Firestorm (who was a teenager that became a superhero by merging with a professor who spoke to — and could only be seen by — him).
We were so glad when Amber left (YAYZ!). Then she returned as Wilson’s girlfriend (BOOZ!). Then she died (YAYZ!). Now she’s House’s subconscious, following him around and relegating House to the role of middleman (she solves the case, he translates for the team). If this is what Season 6 is going to be, we may move (see, because the show is called House… never mind).
I escorted the lovely Teresa to work today, not because she was feeling ill (which is why I was her escort last week), but because she bent over to pick something up and wound up banging her head against the open bathroom mirror. She got a fairly sizeable gash (first one to make the joke gets a punch in the face — she’s my wife, yo) and feared concussion. So, off we went. She arrived safely and I made my way homeward.
When I do this, I am able to get started on my blog by circling stuff in the Post. When I do this, it works as a first draft of sorts. When I return to it (after coffee), I usually discard half the things I circled. If I read and blog in real time, the entries are more of a hodge-podge. I never re-read my entries once I finish (except for typos).
Why not? Well, for starters, it’s 12:00 and I have shit to do. And I haven’t even started. So, without further ado…
Thousands of women in Kenya have vowed to go on a sex strike for an entire week, to show their opposition to their country’s current leadership.
They hope this will persuade Kenyan men to pressure the government to make peace and not bring the country to the chaotic mess it became last year.
By the way – Kenyan men are polygamous. So… if you’re Kenyan and you want to become our husband’s favorite… put out.
Bloomberg says he’s going to raise sales tax in NYC. More than he said he would in January.
I think I’m just going to mail you a shopping list, Scott, and then you can mail me my groceries from NJ.
Foxy Brown, who was accused of smashing a BlackBerry against the head of her Crown Heights neighbor (who took issue with the volume of her car radio), just had the case dismissed. The judge said that Foxy (nee Inga Marchand) was never served with legal papers.
The system works, people. I can’t stress that enough.
The Yankees say those discounted tickets are selling well. But people who aren’t on the Yankee payroll disagree.
I’ll let you know if there’s a full house on Saturday.
(I’m going to sit next to Mougis and hold his hand the whole time so he doesn’t get scared)
There’s a great photo on page 9 that shows an old(er) lady hauling giant boxes of clothing out of an SUV and into Sarah Jessica Parker Ed’s house. Isn’t that sweet? They have an old(er) lady to do everything for them! Celebrities living sham marriages… so like us.
The Post also mentions that SJPE and Ferris Bueller’s Gay (*cough*) are joining the ranks of other celebrities who have used surrogates including: Dennis Quaid, Angela Basset (it took me exactly 2.4 seconds to check that spelling – yes, it’s wrong) and Ricky Martin (well it was either get a surrogate or stop fucking men — what did you expect Ricky to do?).
I love this paper.
On page 10, we have a photograph of Obama, Specter and Biden. Since it appears above Charles Hurt’s latest bucket of verbal diarrhea, I’ll credit him with the hilarious word and thought ballons that have been added.
SPECTER (in a word ballon): “I sold my principles for power.”
OBAMA (in a thought balloon): “You sure did — MY power!”
BIDEN (in a thought balloon): “I can’t believe Arlen fell for this!”
Hey, Post? Whatever you’re paying your D.C. Bureau Chief, stop payment. I mean, not only do these ridiculous add-ons have NOTHING to do with the story (Specter switched parties — BY HIS OWN VOLITION — and has made it clear that he isn’t an automatic vote for the Dems. Give the guy a chance to make good on his promises!).
And if you thought the photo was offensive, Chuck’s entire article is nothing more than a litany of gay innuendo about the three men. It begins:
“President Obama and Vice President Joe Biden pulled GOP defector Sen. Arlen Specter aboard the Democratic Love Train yesterday with a romantic White House welcome filled with tender memories of moonlit rides together between Washington and the City of Brotherly Love.”
As Rep. Foxx and so many of her colleagues keep reminding us, gays aren’t human. They are an aberration and if you want to insult someone, call them (or imply to millions of readers that they’re) gay.
Fall down a long flight of stairs, you waste of oxygen.
Andrea “No Man Would Touch Me Because of My Inside and My Outside!” Peyser reminds us why she won some award that no one remembers the name of. She describes Tyra Banks’ testimony at the trial of Bradley Green in great detail, some of which are even correct.
(Tyra didn’t “pinch” her “fat ass” on TV, she “slapped” it)
And she didn’t note the oddness of Tyra’s statement that “I don’t fear, like, for my life. I fear my safety. I fear the safety of my staffers… I fear the safety of my family. I fear the safety of people in my vicinity.”
Really, Andrea? Tyra understands that the phrase is “fear… for my life.”
So she must mean that she isn’t afraid of losing her life; she’s afraid of her safety, her staffers’ safety, her family’s safety and the safety of the people around her.
That must be horrible to deal with every day.
Incidentally, Bradley faces up to (are you sitting down?) 90 days in the pokey.
The system = a well-oiled machine.
Nanny Bloomberg wrote a poem in honor of Poetry in My Pocket Day (which I think was yesterday? The Post, surprise surprise, isn’t clear if it was yesterday or today). Here it is:
NYC SERVICE
By Mike Bloomberg
“Volunteer!” says our latest plan
Here’s how all New Yorkers can:
Read to kids
Mentor one
Help some seniors have some fun
Serve some soup
Or plant trees
Spend some time at food pantries
Coach a team
(Always nice)
Give some legal or tax advice
Learn to do CPR
Or…
Join the NYC Civic Corps
Help in any way, kind volunteers
You’ll receive New Yorkers’ cheers
But right now, to get the biggest thanks
Help the pitching on the Mets and Yanks
Better that it stayed in his pocket.
51 confirmed swine flu victims in NY. The WHO has raised their alert to Phase 5, which they haven’t done since John Entwhistle died.
“Finance counselors” at NYU are now calling the students they already accepted (and are receiving financial aid) to “make sure” that they understand how much money they still need in order to go there (it’s an estimated $54,441/year total). People who are the first in their family to go to college are also getting called.
Just you wait. In another year, schools are going to insist you pay the full four years up front with “no backsies.”
James Kambewa! He’s 24! He’s a security guard! Where? The Post doesn’t say! Because it is a horrible paper! But anyway! He has never met his 3-year-old daughter, Mercy! Because he abandoned her and her mother! But the mother is dead! And Madonna wants Mercy! And James wants full custody! Why?
“I don’t think Madonna is a model mum. I have seen her in movies of her songs. She doesn’t portray good morals.”
Says the man who abandoned his daughter and the woman who birthed her. But I must admit – I want to start a band for no other reason that to title our video compilation “Movies of Our Songs.”
And when asked about Madonna’s relationship with Jesus Lite (sorry, Luz), James said, “That’s scandalous. How can a normal woman fall for a boy who can as well be her son? No, spare my Mercy that scandal.”
She ain’t your Mercy yet. Madonna goes back to court on Monday to appeal the judge’s decision to deny her Mercy (tee hee).
Mercy is damned is she do and damned if she don’t.
Do we even need to go through the motions of a gubernatorial election in NYC?
Andy “When Do I Get Sworn In?” Cuomo announced that New York (the state) got back $263,000,000 from prosecuting Medicaid fraud. That’s more than twice the 2007 numbers.
Start measuring the curtains, Andy.
Now the MTA (who I despise; have I mentioned that before?) has announced that IN ADDITION to the fare hikes AND the mass layoffs AND the elimination of two entire subway lines and over 20 bus lines AND another fare hike in a year or two, they will also (more than likely, which I take to mean definitely) stop operating on a 24-hour schedule.
Bikes, people. Buy bikes.
Ed Solomon, 71, decided to act out one of my favorite movies as a kid. Unfortunately for him, he chose Going In Style.
He robbed a Peekskill bank of $5,900 while wearing Groucho Glasses as a disguise. Then he drove away in his Lexus SUV (silly Ed – you were supposed to take a gypsy cab!).
But Ed ‘fessed up and pled guilty. He’s expected to recieive time served and probation.
Finally! A story where the system actually DOES work!
Chris “I Made Rihanna Black & Blue” Brown hired Mark Geragos as his attorney (remember him?).
Geragos is attempting to use the photo of Rihanna (and its illegal leak to the press) as grounds for a total dismissal of the charges.
Good luck with that, Mark and Chris!
Page Six (today on page 20) tells us that Sean Penn filed for legal separation last Friday from his long-suffering not-thanked-at-the-Oscars wife, Robin Wright Penn.
I guess it wasn’t true love. Good luck finding someone less smarmy/crazy this time, Buttercup.
Does Paula Abdul get fooled by Bruno in Bruno?
Yes.
Does Paula Abdul get fooled by inanimate objects in her kitchen?
Yes.
Someone told Cindy Adams that Ed Westwick (he’s on Gossip Girl – THANKS, POST!) has gained weight! And the costume department is scrambling to re-do his clothes!
I should call Cindy and tell her about TV’s Rich Sommer, who has delayed production of Season 3 of Mad Men due to his McDonald’s addiction.
I should also call Cindy Adams a stupid antique and help her into the box.
The estate of Brian Shean is suing Brian’s father for negligence. Brian’s wife says she’s suing her father-in-law to get mone for Brian’s child.
Brian died pushing his father out of the path of a falling tree.
I want to film all of this family’s holiday dinners.
Oh! This editorial about how we shouldn’t worry about the swine flu (unless you get it — then worry A LOT) reminds me of the two Japanese women I saw at the 34th St. subway station. I had mistakenly gotten on a B at 79th St. and realized my error too late. So instead of getting out at 42nd and getting coffee there, I hopped out at 34th. When I returned, sipping my coffee and slowly awakening, I noticed two Japanese ladies holding scarves over their mouths. For some reason, I found this hilarious. No one else was wearing a mask. Just them.
And me being me, I sat down on the bench with them. And I coughed — not very hard and only twice. And they both jumped up and power walked away. Three people saw this and all three of them laughed. I started to feel a little guilty, but (for some unknown and totes bizarre reason), the wound up in the same car as me and as soon as they sat down? They put down their scarves.
So… they were worried about contracting swine flu by being exposed to the air in the pornographically huge subway station beneath Macy’s, but once they were in a sealed tube with 40 strangers, they were safe?
Silly Japan.
Starbucks says their second-quarter profits are down 77%.
But that’s like a multiplex saying their concessions sales are down 77%. When you mark up a cup of coffee by 9000%, you can take a few hits here and there. Likewise, if The Pavilion wants to charge me $6.50 for a bag of their delicious popped kernels… I think I have to see Obsessed today.
David Hyde Pierce currently appears in the play Accent on Youth. His character’s name is Steven Gaye.
Yes he is.
Robinson Cano has a 15-game hitting streak. And Swisher hit two homers last night. We are, once again, over .500. But it looks like Melky is replacing Brett in center. I’ll miss Gardner. Unless Melky does a better job.
Kate Gosselin will be signing copies of the book she and her husband Jon wrote, Multiple Bles8ings and the book she wrote all by herself, Eight Little Faces, at the Barnes and Noble at Warren and Greenwich on Tuesday. Feel free to ask her about the footage of her husband cheating on her that has just been released. I bet she has some great answers already planned.
I truly hope that everyone who complained about Obama being on Leno will be equally vocal about political footnote Sarah Palin appearing on (where else?) American Chopper. Tonight!
Will I avoid it? You betcha!
OK. Movie in less than an hour. Do some dishes, answer some mail, have a popped corn lunch… ‘ats-a good Thursday!
…would that be a hate crime? I ask because I hate her very much. And if you watch this video, you will, too.
Can’t wait to see this get spun. And for Rep. Foxx to lose her job (if not her ability to speak).
More to come…
WOLVERINE HOWLS
I stared at this headline (one of three today, along with a photo of Hugh Jackman’s off-putting facial hair), I tried to figure out whether Lou Lumenick liked or disliked it. If an audience “howls” then they are usually laughing uproariously. “Howls of laughter” is a phrase that many a critic has used to praise a comedy. But if you say that a movie (or play or book or opera) itself “howls” then isn’t that a bad thing? Like, “this movie is a dog” or “a real howler”?
Wolverine (excuse me, I meant X-Men Origins: Wolverine) is not a comedy (although I hear that the leaked workprint’s placeholders for the not-yet-finished CGI are pretty hilarious), so is howling a good thing? Maybe Lou needed a small word to squeeze next to Hugh and he could only use 5 letters. “Wolverine Bites” might have worked better (if he didn’t like it) or “Wolverine Kills/Rules/Rocks/Slays” (if he did).
We’ll know the answer when I get to page 39.
B’also? The smallest of the three headlines was Twins for Sarah Jessica which confused me and threw everything I thought I knew about human reproduction into disarray (how does a closeted gay man get a horse pregnant with twins?). Then I turned to page 3 and everything was made clear. No, they didn’t adopt African babies (that is so 2004-2008) — they hired a surrogate! In Ohio! And they won’t tell anyone if the egg is Sarah’s or if the gay sperm is Matthew’s, but one thing’s for sure: the “tens of thousands” of dollars they’re paying the Ohioan (according to Star, which does slightly better fact-checking than the Post) is worth every penny if it will keep the farcical marriage between Matthew and Sarah chugging through Denial Canyon, then there’s hope we’ll see that Sex and the City sequel!
(crosses fingers, feeds Sarah oats)
The third headline was about how the Yankees are cutting the prices of their most ridiculously expensive (and apparently unsellable) tickets in half. So instead of $2,500 to see A SINGLE BASEBALL GAME BY YOURSELF, it will now only cost you $1,250.
Additionally, 68 other seats are dropping from their original $1,000 to see A SINGLE BASEBALL GAME BY YOURSELF to just $650.
Stuff like this makes me sad, but then I look at the collage I made of Derek Jeter (the heart-shaped tableau is taped to our ceiling so he’s the last thing I see every night and the first thing I see every morning) and all is forgiven.
Go Yanks.
Religious groups are calling Governor Paterson a bigot and accusing him of “Catholic baiting.”
However, this is because he told a group of gay-rights supporters in Albany that he attributed the opposition to same-sex marriage to religious “guilt,” and NOT because he took a long fishing line and hooked it into a prepubescent boy.
Which is far less interesting.
Sex tapes of Carla Bruni and her former lover, Raphael Enthoven (which also happens to be the name of my favorite children’s book about the Holocaust)* have been stolen? Oh noes! Raphael claimed he kept all of the tapes (and photos) in his brother Julien’s apartment to keep them safe (and so Julien could furiously masturbate to them, one would assume). But Julien’s place got burglarized and the thieves (who went straight for the First Lady porn) now have Sarkozy in a state of panique (that’s French for “jittery nervousness and or fear”).
$5 says her albums (yeah, she sings, too!) sell more in next month than they have in the last year.
*Too soon?
The MTA told “at least 480 bus and subway workers” that their jobs are going away… unless Albany gives them lots of money.
How much do you need MTA? Would $250,000,000 do it? Great! Then build a time machine and stop yourselves from pissing it away on the Lockheed Martin Security System That Never Was. Then patent and sell the time machine for billions.
Then kill yourselves (but don’t do it by jumping on the tracks — you’ll live and sue yourself and win).
Is Edgar Hernandez, 5, of La Gloria, Mexico the swine flu’s Patient Zero?
Probably not. But thanks for helping to obfuscate the facts, Post!
The NYC Health Commissioner says there are “many hundreds” of students suspected of catching the swine flu in NYC.
Also, a woman in Brooklyn was hospitalized. Where in Brooklyn? Well, why would this tabloid tell me that? They need more space to blame Edgar and his border-jumping, job-stealing, tortilla-enjoying, no-hablo-Ingles-ing friends!
My BPF has asked Congress for $1,500,000,000 to help fight the possible epidemic. Which I assume was followed by a look directly at Texas’ senators and his adding, “Unless that’s just me throwing money away on my Marxist bullshit policies. Huh, Texas? Wanna fuck with me now? I can’t hear you. You WANT me to spend more money on this? Yeah. Thought so.”
Charles “Begging To Be” Hurt is slowly becoming my favorite idiot at the Post (and in a paper that publishes Malkin, Morris, Smith and O’Reilly that is low praise indeed!). His “analysis” of the defection of Arlen Spector (who, lest we forget, ran as a Democrat in 1965) is the kind of intelligent dissection of a current event I’ve come to expect from a retarded squirrel. And my expectation were met in spades.
Benedict Arlen frees a mon$ter
Some highlights from this idiot’s don’t-think-piece:
“Everybody remembers how Carter, a one-time Georgia peanut farmer, fared in the White House with his little sweaters, stagflation and sweltering gas lines.”
Little sweaters? (in stereotype Italian, while waving one hand) Ats-a good analysis-a!
“For Specter, anything is for sale and everything is negotiable. It’s why he has thrived so well and for so long.”
As a Republican! You left out “as a Republican”!
“Republicans on Capitol Hill are wondering why with both chambers of Congress at his beck and call and the entire press corps in his back pocket, Obama needs Arlen Spector, too.”
1) They aren’t at his beck and call. 2) The press corps (which I’m pretty sure YOU BELONG TO, YOU INCREDIBLY STUPID TOOL) is not in his back pocket. 3) So you’re saying that, in your piece about how Specter’s defection gives the Dems the 60 votes they need to be filibuster-proof, not one Republican on Capitol Hill understands why Obama would welcome Specter (BACK) into the Democratic Party? 4) Choke on your own vomit as soon as humanly possible. 5) I’ll even mail you some vomit if you can’t figure out how to throw up by yourself. 6) In fact, I’m mailing you vomit as I type this. 7) And I will throw up and mail it to you every day until you successfully choke on it.
And in the article next to Chuck’s “analysis,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Republican-KY) calls Arlen’s move across the aisle a “threat to the country.”
1) How often do I get to type “Republican” and “Minority” and “KY” in the same sentence? 2) Fuck you, Mitch. 3) You’re getting some vomit, too.
Susan Boyle! Has an agent! Who is shopping her life story to publishers! And asking for MILLIONS!
One publishing executive told Crain’s, “She has a story, but it’s a short story.”
Just in case the book never gets published, here’s the entire thing in one sentence:
“I’ve always been plain and dowdy and the butt of harsh criticisms, but once I went on the telly and sang really well on that show, everyone got really impressed and I got to be on the telly more!”
You’re welcome.
Kirby Dick made a brilliant documentar a few years back called This Film Is Not Yet Rated. In it he examined (and ultimately revealed the “m(e)n (and women) behind the curtain” at) the MPAA and their arbitrary rating system.
Next up, gay politicians who hate on gays. The new film, Outrage, screened at the Tribeca festival and will be in theaters soon looks at the not-that-rare phenomenon of the politician who targets gays for years and winds up being outed as that which he despises. One such man, says Kirby, is Ed Koch.
You heard me. But Ed, God bless him, isn’t angry that Kirby claims he had “a well-established affair with a man [Dick Nathan] he subsequently ran out of town.” No, Ed’s beef is with Kirby’s assertion that “his record on AIDS and gay rights was virtually nonexistent.”
Methinks he doth protest too little.
And now, every time I close my eyes, I see Ed Koch thrusting into a man wearing only a studded leather mask, repeatedly asking him, “How’m I doin’?”
B’also? If they were allowed to gay-marry in the 70’s Ed’s partner could have been Dick Koch!
Is NBC trying to perform the equivalent of burning down your restaurant in order to collect the insurance? Are new shows given out like the basketball draft? No? Then why the fuck are they making a series (not a special or an investigative report, but a series) based on the book Eat This, Not That?
Even worse? They describe it as a show that will “offer human drama while teaching viewers how they can eat their favorite foods and still lose weight.”
In case it never gets broadcast, here’s the entire series in one sentence:
“Eat less of the things you love and more of the things that are healthy for you.”
You’re welcome.
ATTENTION FBI, CIA, AND ANY POSTAL EMPLOYEES THAT READ THIS BLOG:
I have no intention of mailing anyone vomit. It’s satire. Or parody. Whatever’s covered in the law books — that’s what I’m doing.
BluhGOYuhvitch (nice lady) showed up at the NBC Universal Press Day in Pasadena (California) to hang out with his almost castmates on I’m A Celebrity… Doing Survivor Kind Of! (he stil thinks he has a shot at participating in the show).
And Stephen Baldwin (who a judge encouraged to leave the country) was wearing a button that read “LEGGO MY BLAGO.”
I forget — is he the one that hates porn and started a skateboard video company for teens that think Jesus is cool?
Or the one who got into a bunch of cocaine-related car wrecks?
ForbesWoman will hit stands shortly. Will it contain the same hard-nosed business advice that Forbes provides for its male readers? Maybe. But all the Post mentions is their feature about avoiding “beauty minefields” like the “shrimp cocktail effect” which is when a lady’s toes hang over the front of her sandals.
Can a magazine go out of business before it gets published?
Terence “Wipe Yout Butt My Way Or Get On That Highway” Howard said last week that Marvel made a “very, very bad choice” by replacing him with Don Cheadle in Iron Man 2: Mickey Rourke Is Russian For Some Reason.
14:57… 14:58… 14:59…
Megan McAllister loves her fiancee so much, not even the panties of murdered women kept under the mattress she slept in with him will tear her apart from Philip “Most Episodes of The People’s Court Are Harder To Guess The Verdict of Than My Slam-Dunk See-You-In-40-Years Trial” Markoff.
I just hope he can get her pregnant before he goes away forever. I want that bloodline to continue.
Jayson Williams’ wife’s lawyer (currently dealing with their divorce) called Jayson’s freakout the other day “exactly the type of behavior” that led her to sue him for divorce.
So, if it was a sympathy ploy, it blew up in Jayson’s face. Just like that shotgun blew up.
Mr. T was called in for jury duty. He told a reporter at the courthouse, “I enjoy doing my civic duty. It’s not about the A-Team, it’s the J-Team — the jury team.”
Sadly, T was not chosen to sit on the jury (presumably because he kept yelling at the bailiff that he “wasn’t getting in no Goddamned jury box” until they gave him a glass of drugged milk and he passed out.
I love it when a joke comes together.
Chris Gregory lives in Sheffield (that’s in England). He has no family in Ireland.
But after a brain operation, he awoke with a thick Irish accent. And for 30 minutes, that’s how he talked. He even sang “Danny Boy” to his wife!
I’m sure the British and Irish papers are having a field day making the “uh-oh, they took out too much”/”and that’s how they knew the operation was a success” jokes.
Silly Europe.
Vomit Dicks (sorry, Ralph Peters) discusses The Obama Doctrine (dun dun duuuuun) and ends with this delightful prose:
“…Obama and his entourage excite orgasmic forgiveness among journalists. Which brings us to the Obama Doctrine’s final tenet: Our media sluts will portray defeat as victory.”
Holy fuck! Does everyone WHO WRITES FOR THIS “NEWSPAPER” really think they’re being rational when they accuse EVERYONE IN THE PRESS WHICH INCLUDES THEM of being “in Obama’s pocket” and “sluts”?
And, forgive me, Ralph, but isn’t portraying defeat as victory more of a W. thing? More of a you thing?
Finally! Lou Lumenick says “HUGH GOTTA BELIEVE! ‘X-Men’ prequel is kickass kickoff to blockbuster season”
Oh! He loved it! And yet… three stars? For a kickass kickoff?
“It’s packed with non-stop action, has cutting-edge special effects and stunt work, terrific cinematography and beautiful locations, and is tautly directed by Gavin Hood.”
Sounds awesome! So… three stars? Really?
“Jackman is well-matched with Schreiber, who can sneer with the best of them and wears fangs well.”
Hold on. Are you being facetious? You’re complimenting an actor by saying he can growl and wear fangs?
You’ve been hanging around Kyle Smith too much, Lou. Please make a note of it.
Former multi-millionaire Michael Vick just got a job offer from a football team. An arena football team.
The offer? One year at the league standard: $200 a week, $50 bonus for each win.
B’also? Vick has to donate $100,000 to a local humane society.
Hey, if he says no, I’ll do it! I’d make that money back in just… carry the 2… 500 weeks! And that’s assuming we never win! Which we won’t if I’m on the team! Everybody wins!
Phil. Hughes.
Best start by any Yankee pitcher this year (including our 2 very rich starters and our former bullpen ace and dear old Andy). 11-0 over Detroit.
And we’re back at .500 (10-10).
Going to the game on Saturday (me + Dunford + new Yankee Stadium = many many bits).
Can’t wait.
Remember when TRL went off the air? Me neither. But MTV is finally replacing it with The Alexa Chung Show! Which they say will be “similar to TRL.”
Awww. I thought they were going to actual broadcast whole music videos.
But if you have OCD, you’ll love it, as a Twitter scroll with run during the broadcasts so fans can Tweet reactions to the show LIVE!
Which is an awesome idea, unless you saw what people wrote on the TRL scroll. More grammarians committed suicide during TRL than any other show ever. In my mind, anyway.
In case MTV comes to their senses before it premieres, here’s the Tweet that will most often run across the bottom of the screen:
“Tilt your head and check this out: OGC – it’s Carson Daly beating off!!! LOL!!!!! -Jed, 34, Brooklyn”
You’re welcome.
If you want to watch our nation’s President tonight when he delivers a Presidential Press Conference, tune into CBS, NBC, ABC, PBS, CNBC, CNN, FBN, FNC, MSNBC, or NY1.
FOX, however will be airing (and I find it nigh impossible to believe it’s a coincidence) an episode of…
Lie To Me
See you tomorrow!
Gotsta return to Dr. Awesome for more bloodwork. Between the Lidocaine patches and my glorious pills, my back is at roughly 90%, so everything’s comin’ up Milhouse!
But before I leave for my frustrating journey into Manhattan (during which time I can have no coffee, which would be my Kryptonite if Kryptonite was something Superman needed to ingest every morning in order to have super powers), I thought I’d share something my friend Scott posted in the wasteland that is the IRC Political Forum.
Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy
I miss me some Keith.
I shall eviscerate the Post upon my return. Happy hump day!
Good lord, what the Hell is going on outside? I think I got a sunburn from getting my paper; has Lex Luthor sent us hurtling towards the sun again? Whither Superman? I was considering starting a feature here wherein every Monday (or Tuesday, since I had the idea last night) I would go see the #1 movie in America (if it’s playing at the Pavilion). That meant that I would see Obsessed today (Stringer Bell cheats on Sasha Fierce with the schizo from Heroes? Hollywood is a magical place where dreams like this really do come true!). But I’m honestly not sure I can cross the street without bursting into flames (not a euphemism).
B’also? I’m making dinner early today because I’ve noticed a pattern: I finish writing between noon and 1:00, I do the odd chore/shopping and putz around online, answer emails and sitch and then it’s 5:30 and my day is gone. So, I’m going to do the cooking early, then throw it in the oven when the wife is almost home and voila!
Actually, reading that back makes it unclear to me how this will afford me any advantages time-wise (so you must be completely baffled), but I thought it was a good idea earlier, so I’ll stick to it.
Variety is the only spice of life I can use because my wife is allergic to pepper (not a euphemism).
Sometimes living in Brooklyn (and doing laundry and grocery shopping while everyone else exchanges their services for payment) is a blessing.
Some of you may not know this, but I lived on 14th Street and 7th Avenue when I moved to NYC from Chicago (on September 2, 2001). My roommates and I watched the second tower fall from our roof. The National Guard made 14th Street the cut-off point for pedestrians (I had to show an armed soldier proof that I lived in the building across the street from where he stood in order to go home). Now, every time I see a plume of smoke in the sky, I do a double take. I don’t live in fear of another attack (I mean, I fear that it will happen, but I don’t allow that fear to alter my activities, as the terrorists will have then won, as distracting me from finding episodes of Hell’s Kitchen UK online is al Queda’s raison d’etre (that’s idiomatic French; it literally means artful raisin).
Had I still been living in the Chelsea/Village area, I might have seen what was going on yesterday and freaked out. Apparently, the White House decided to get a new photo of Air Force One for their website. So they decided to fly around NYC with another plane taking photos. But they didn’t let anyone else know they were doing this. Oh, the Air Force got permission to do it, but the NYPD and the Mayor’s office were told to keep the exercise quiet (because letting people know there was a photo op taking place 1,000′ OVER GROUND ZERO would have calmed civilians instead of freaking them out).
People in Jersey City started freaking out. People on the Verrazano Bridge did, too. Thousands of office workers (on both sides of the Hudson River) evacuated their buildings while the planes flew 500′ OVER THE STATUE OF LIBERTY. There’s a picture of Battery Park… it’s like the Blackout of ‘03 all over again.
I think, as penance, whoever came up with the photo idea should personally autograph an 8″ x 11 1/2″ photo of Air Force One for every citizen in the 5 boroughs. And New Jersey.
“To ______ -
What the fuck was I thinking, right?
Soooooo sorry.
Stupidly yours,
___________”
The more I read about State Senate Majority Leader Malcolm Smith, the more I despise him.
Which I think is exactly what the Post wants me to do.
Sigh.
Rutgers’ Old Queens turned 200 yesterday.
But they still can’t legally marry.
(that was for Bethany, who I just realized went to Fordham, not Rutgers)
(it’s a building… nevermind)
A former U.S. ambassador to the Vatican (she spoke to the people that God speaks to – that’s one degree of separation!) has refused the University of Notre Dame’s top honor at commencement next month because the school let President Obama talk to its students and she doesn’t agree with his views on abortion and stem-cell research.
Mary Ann Glendon, you are today’s Queen Stupid! Take a bow!
And speaking of stupid, heeeeeeeeere’s… Jayson Williams!
Yesterday, the guy who kinda almost got away with the murder of his chauffeur (he paid $2,750,000 to get away with wrongful death and was acquitted of aggravated manslaughter, but he faces retrial on the reckless manslaughter charge) trashed his room at the Embassy Suites in Battery Park City. A “female friend” (aka “not his estranged wife”) called cops at 4:02 a.m. and told them Jayson, who spells his name wrong, was “suicidal” and “violent.”
Cops showed up, Jayson was drunk and agitated and he refused to leave the room (it’s like he knew that AIr Force One was on its way!). They call for backup. The backup Tasered him.
Found in the room were empty drug bottles, sleeping pills and a suicide note. Is this a p.r. coup in the hopes of making the guy that shot his driver and tried to cover it up… worthy of sympathy?
Remember, Jayson, left to right gets you to the hospital. Up and down gets you to the morgue.
Or you could ask the cops to give you back your shotgun for a couple of minutes…
Oy vey.
Yakov Litzman, Israel’s Deputy Health Minister, is mad at the term “swine flu” because he finds it offensive to Muslims and Jews. He wants to re-name it “Mexican flu.” But scientists (of unknown nationality) responded that “nothing about the virus makes it ‘Mexican’” and that the name might stigmatize Mexico and its citizens.
Then, Carlos Mencia burst through a brick wall and started riffing.
“This can’t be no ‘Mexican flu’ because the flu is working really hard to replicate itself and spread its message of virusicity, but you don’t see 400 swine flus packed into a ‘68 Impala, am I right?! If this flu was really a Mexican flu, it would have a sombrero and it would be taking a nap! And it would have one of those gigantic mustaches! And it would say ‘Si, senor’ in a really laconic way! And I own a baseball team and Who’s on first base! Am I right!?”
“No, you’re Bavarian/Honduran, Ned.”
For the record, though, there are 29 confirmed cases in New York, 13 in California, 6 in Texas (which is why their ten-gallon hats are in their ten-gallon hands – see photo below), 2 in Kansas and 1 in Ohio. There are 5 suspected cases in New Jersey and over 150 suspected cases here in New York. Mexico lost 149 people to the flu with over 2,000 people infected there. Plus 6 in Canada and 2 in Scotland and 1 in Spain.
My heart goes out to everyone who is affected by this horrible epidemic. B’also?
Thanks, BOC!
If you want the full story, you’ll have to find it. I’m out of things to throw while reading it, so I have to move on. But here’s what gleaned through creched teeth and balled fists:
Lockheed Martin is being asked to be released from its contract with the MTA. They claim that they were hired in 2005 (for $213,000,000) to install high-tech surveillance in every subway station (which would replace the station agents who were removed already). As the years went by, the MTA kept adding things to the contract, ballooning it to over $250,000,000. Lockheed Martin claims that the MTA’s sloth and stupidity have allowed roughly 300 of the many many thousands of security cameras be installed (it’s 4 years later, folks).
So Lockheed wants to get their personnel away from this project, as it is a money pit and the MTA keeps hemming, hawing, stalling and being detestable. They will be suing the MTA in a separate case to recover “damages.”
I never thought I’d be rooting for Lockheed Martin, but when a company asks a judge to break a contract because they’re being paid (a lot of money) to do nothing, that’s a refreshing change from business as usual.
Keeping in mind that the Post may be distorting the truth like a funhouse mirror that’s been left out in the sun.
The President of Pakistan has announced that Osama Bin Laden is dead. Other Pakistani officials say that he isn’t.
All I know is I can’t wait for his next video! The last two were tight, son!
Is Lawrence Taylor having his life turned into a movie?
Isn’t that what 1st and Ten was?
There’s a photo in Page Six (on page 13 today) of Megan Fox (who people find attractive for some weird reason) on the set of her new movie, Jonah Hex!?!?!
Holy shit! This could be amazing. Jonah Hex is a gunfighter in the Old West who looks like Two-Face. He’s a loner, Dottie. A rebel.
Just as Marvel had an opportunity (three, actually) to make their can’t-miss Punisher movie (all three of which missed), DC will now get a shot at making an amazing Western with no super powers, no flying, no aliens or wizards – just gunfightin’ and plenty of it.
Please pull this off, DC. Please.
(checks IMDB)
Josh Brolin is Jonah Hex? Nice. John Malkovich, Will Arnett and Michael Shannon are in it, too? Even nicer. Thanks in advance, DC.
Gee, this is fascinating, Page Six (on page 13). 75-year-old Shirley Jones os going to be on A&E’s The Cleaner, you say? And you also say that she will appear in the episode… topless?
Um… A&E edits out nudity from The Sopranos (and cursing and excessive violence, so you can watch an entire season while brushing your teeth). So… you mean she’ll have her back to the camera and one of the actors will do a comical “I’m looking at 75-year-old breasts!” double take? And this would appeal to anyone besides Marty Ingels… why?
Today, Cindy Adams recalls her trip to Iguazu Falls in Argentina with Barbara Walters. This is where Teresa and I considered spending part of our honeymoon (until I insisted that after speed-planning a wedding and a move to Oregon, we both needed a vacation spinning plates of any kind – including catching the bus to the plane to the tour, etc).
Thank you, Cindy, for making it seem horrible and painful (I’m saving it for you, Teresa).
Now get in the box.
CORRECTION (hidden between two sidebars and a giant ad for the Post on page 16):
“…a story in yesterday’s Post misattributed a quote explaining the cost of bread and butter at Company, in Chelsea, to restaurant spokeswoman Danielle Pagano, instead of to a waiter. Also, the menu listing is not in Italian.”
Also, you are the worst newspaper ever.
Ooh! Sudoku!
Those were easy!
Uh-oh. Hand over the crown, Mary Ann.
Remember Megan McAllister? She was the fiancee of the Craigslist Killer until her parents called off the wedding and she allegedly came to her senses… or did she?
No.
“To me and my family, he is a loving and caring person, and in the eyes of the law and the Constitution, he is innocent until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.”
This reminds me of one of my favorite Simpsons episodes – the one where Michael Keaton plays the convict that Marge seemingly helps to rehabilitate (she ultimately realizes that he isn’t misunderstood, he’s just evil) – which has one of Homer’s best exchanges.
Warden (pointing at a painting): “He drew a unicorn floating in outer space! I’m askin’ ya, what’s he breathing?”
Homer: “Air?”
Warden: “There’s no air in space!”
Homer: “There’s an air in space museum.”
Wow, these Somalian pirates are starting to act like the folks in The Mouse That Roared. They just got beat by Yemen.
Yemen!
This marks the first-ever time that a Yemeni vessel has been re-taken by Yemen.
Yemen!
I hear that Yemen is one bad… (Shutchoh mouth!)
But I’m talkin’ about Yemen! (Then I can dig it.)
It’s a complicated place with the Gulf of Aden lapping at its coastline. (Yemen!)
Yemen… borders Oman.
Did I mention that I enjoy my painkillers?
Because I do, President Hoover. I do.
What I Think Of When I Think Of Canada
Part 17
“A Canadian cop in Saanich, BC, heard passionate sounds coming from a Dumpster — and found that a 30-year-old and her boyfriend, 28, had turned it into a love nest. The officer ordered the two to put on their clothes and leave.”
Charles Hurt notes one of Obama’s major failures (thus far) has been that he “won’t acknowledge clearly that the United States remains at war against terror.”
I’m not sure that sentence could sound more ridiculous, but let’s see.
Charles Hurt notes one of Obama’s major failures (thus far) has been that he “won’t acknowledge clearly that the United States remains at war against shenanigans.”
Charles Hurt notes one of Obama’s major failures (thus far) has been that he “won’t acknowledge clearly that the United States remains at war against non-accidental malfeasance.”
Charles Hurt notes one of Obama’s major failures (thus far) has been that he “won’t acknowledge clearly that the United States remains at war against evil, especially when it is in the form of an axis.”
In an editorial (more like edit-BORE-ial, am I right?), the Post blames yesterday’s airplane mishap squarely at the feet of… the FAA?
I did not see that coming.
Of course, the editorial (more like edit-SNORE-ial, huh? huh?) below it asks him to stop playing tricks on healthcare reform. I could try to find out what that means, but I like my brain.
Boston is in first, we’re in third (and on a 4-game losing streak!).
And pitching tonight… Phil Hughes?!?!
Good Lord. Was there really a time when I was eager for the season to start?
Barry Bonds showed up at AT&T Park last night and waved to fans, who cheered wildly.
It was Star Trek Night.
Therefore, I believe the fans simply mistook him for the gigantic-headed Black people of Nebucron-8.
What did I tell you about A-Rod? Could you at least wait until there’s news? How many column inches does it take to say “everything’s pretty much the same as yesterday”?
Obama’s press conference tomorrow will be shown and CBS, NBC, ABC and Fox.
Excuse me, did I say Fox? I meant Fox Business Network and Fox News Channel.
So all you God-fearing men and women can watch When Animals Fart On Babies or whatever crap Fox has on as a further showing of your disdain for the America “you didn’t sign up for.”
Jerks.
Joan Rivers is going quietly into that good night. She will rage against the dying of the light, some blonde lady, people in Vegas with no last names (Cher? Charo? Siegfried and Roy?) and online poker players (who are worse than white trash, apparently.
Oh, and Melissa is also ugly and insane (uglily insane?) and needs to re-learn the do’s and don’ts of cast-wearing.
Incidentally, is a “whore pit viper” a pit viper with whorish qualities or a viper that lives in a whore pit?
Time to cook some viggity-veal, yo!
Laters!
150 NY kids ill amid swine flu crisis
It’s a powerful headline. Or, it would be if it was made into the headline. But, this being the Post, it plays second fiddle to the actual headline:
HOG WILD
Here are some headlines that almost made the cut:
DOCS SAY: FIRST DO NO HAM
PORK-YOU-PAIN
WHEN PIGS FLU
SCORE ONE FOR THE MUSLIMS
(I don’t mean to imply that Muslims are behind the swine flu attack, rather that their “eat no pork” rule comes in handy during swine flu outbreaks. B’also? I think the Post likes double entendres like that.)
So 8 kids at a school in Queens have the swine flu. Another 140+ are exhibiting “flu-like symptoms.” Symptoms include cough, sore throat, headache… what child doesn’t go through this on a bi-weekly basis? Why not add “desire to watch TV” or “wants french fries” to the list of symptoms, guys? Then even more parents could freak out now!
[Incidentally, did anyone else get a kick out of the Governor of Texas -- shortly after his "maybe we oughta secede!" speech -- asking the feds for help with the swine flu outbreak? So... does this mean that you no longer want to secede and you'll stop saying that you "do America" better than any other state, Bubbas?]
According to the Jew Liberal Media Left-Wing Secular Apologists at Washington Post/ABC News, 69% of Americans approve of Obama’s decisions during his first 100 days. 27% expressed disapproval. Which means that that rabid, teabagging mob of “Nobamaheads” isn’t as big as it claims.
Can I, therefore, say everything that the right wing said about the Million Man March about their teeny protests (except that Black people showed up, obviously)?
I don’t remember if I mentioned this last week, but a guy got super-mad at Morton’s when he noticed he had been charged $2.50 for ice ($0.50/cube) in his cocktail. This made the Post wonder what other culinary shenanigans are going on in the cit-ay.
Bobo in the West Village charges $1.00/glass of tap water (‘cuz it’s filtered!).
Company in Chelsea charges $3.00 for bread, $2.00 for butter (it’s clearly listed on the menu… in Italian).
Grotta Azzurra in Little Italy automatically adds a 20% tip on every check.
And Nobu Next Door will sell you take-out, but they add 10% of the check to cover “packaging materials and the costs of handling the volume of calls.”
I think the world would be a better place if people came to terms with Apocalypto. I mean, is this really how you want to spend your last 4 years on earth? Sneaking a $2.00 butter charge onto your customers’ bills?
Apocalypto is coming. Make no mistake about that.
What the Post says: Jamie Lynn Spears’ boyfriend/babydaddy (Casey Aldridge, 19) was in a car accident at 1:30 a.m. on LA 606 in Louisiana. He had just left a bachelor party. He was charged with a misdemeanor (careless operation of a motor vehicle). And he cracked his skull.
What the Post doesn’t say: had he been drinking (at a bachelor party? no way!)? Was anyone else in the car? Was anyone else involved in the accident?
The fact that I considered (however briefly) checking TMZ to find out more about this chills me to the bone.
Tyra Banks is taking the stand in the trial of her alleged stalker this week.
Will she wear the fat suit? That would be awesome.
And he’d probably stop stalking her!
Cindy Adams is off today.
Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.
Johnson & Johnson No More Tears Baby Shampoo.
Every baby uses this (at least they did when I was a baby). Turns out it contains formaldehyde and 1.4-dioxane, both of which cause cancer.
So does CVS Baby Shampoo, Baby Magic Soft Baby Scent Baby Lotion, L’Oreal Kids Extra Gentle 2-1 Fast Dry Shampoo, and L’Oreal USA’s Burst of Cool Melon. So if you have a baby and you don’t want to give it cancer, don’t use these shampoos.
Except for Baby Magic Soft Baby Scent Baby Lotion, which I don’t think is intended for babies.
Matt & Kim’s manager claim that the police who enter their new video towards the end were not actors and once the director showed them (off-camera) his permit, they let the naked duo finish shooting their one-take video. Which ends in front of the Viacom Building.
I call bullshit.
Judge for yourself.
Now that Circuit City and Tower Records are bankrupt, what’s Best Buy doing to avoid a similar fate?
Devoting eight square feet of shelf space to… vinyl records.
You have to be kidding me. This is like Barnes & Noble’s graphic novel section. I appreciate that it brings new readers to the fold, but if you’re looking for a graphic novel (or record album) that wasn’t released in the past year, then you need to go to a store that specializes in comics (or records). And there are puh-lenty in NYC.
I give the vinyl section seven months. Unless they also devote some space to tricked-out record players.
Yanks got swept by Boston. They’re in third place behind Toronto and Boston. Shut up.
The Jets are considering picking up Plaxico Burress. Nice.
Seriously, stop giving me A-Rod updates. Seriously.
House is finally back tonight. But I’m leaving mine now to drop off laundry and do some food shopping.
Have a slendid day, ever’buddy.
Rumor has it that this is a doctored video. I don’t care; it’s still cool to watch.
Spent the day in Prospect Park with the folks and Teresa (she insisted on tagging along). What beautiful weather. Far too pretty out to sit inside and kvetch about a horrible newspaper. Tomorrow, however, I’ll be back to my snarky self.
Hope y’all had a good week-ind and sitch and thet everything’s good by you. ‘night now.
I highly recommend calling Darlene. Larry is not gentle.
B’also? I was just introduced to Auto-Tune the News. Enjoy, Shorty.
I had no idea Katie Couric and Hillary Clinton had so much soul!
The Yankees and Boston are tied for second in the AL East (inexplicably 2 games behind Toronto). By tomorrow morning, one of them will be in third place. Hooray for AM radio!
Leno is “expected back to work on Monday” but we still dunno why he’s there. But if it’s trivial, then it’s trivial.
We needed milk, so I went to the store and brought along my Walkman to listen to the biddies on The View yell at each other (And today’s first guest? Lil Wayne – whose new single sounds a lot like Auto-Tune the News). I turned it on and the first thing I heard was Rachel Ray scream to her audience “…and pile it into your taco!” I laughed all the way to market (despite lack of roast beef).
I’m a little scattered today. The back is MUCH better (the doctor and I agreed that it was probably just a bad muscle but we still don’t have the results of the x-rays yet). I think I’ll keep doing what I’m doing over the weekend and if I still feel discomfort, I’ll see about getting an MRI or some such. Could be a slipped disc. Could just be the price of having such a badonkadonk keyster. I have a degree in theater. Everything I know about medicine I learned from Hugh Laurie, Jack Klugman and the fine men and women of St. Eligius.
Poor Lil Wayne! Not only did he have to sing to Elizabeth Hasslebreath (I never spell her name right and I’m too lazy to Google the answer), but the gun charges he wanted thrown out are… not being thrown out. And it’s all thanks to Lil’s personal assistant, Terry Bourgeois (please let that be his birth name). See, Terry told the man that the reason Wayne’s tour bus reeked of pot is because he and some other guys were smoking pot in it. He even bragged about how great his weed was! “The stench on it is louder than normal weed,” he told prosecutors.
Methinks Lil needs a new assistant. And Terry might need to change his last name to Proliteriat.
Science just called out religion! Not only did science clone a beagle, they made it GLOW IN THE MOTHERFUCKING DARK by splicing in some sea anemone genes! You heard me right! Science put on a fake beard and said unto you blasphemies that urinate in the soup of Nature! The end times come!
Apocalypto is almost here!
Levi Johnston says that visiting his son, Tripp, has been “kind of an uncomfortable thing.” He told Larry King that he wants to “go and do the father thing with him and I can’t.”
Is Sarah Palin trying to break up this All-American/Aw-Shucks family?!?!
Levi has even threatened to go to a court and ask the judge for a piece of paper or whatnot what says he can do the father thing and there ain’t two ways about it, neither.
You know the “Craigslist Killer”? He killed at least two women. They found the murder weapon (in his apartment in a hollowed-out copy of Gray’s Anatomy). They found the victims’ panties, which he kept as trophies. His fingerprints were on the plastic restraint around one victim’s wrists and also on a stairwell where he is suspected of trying to rob a stripper at gunpoint (not a euphemism).
But his fiancee says he’s innocent and their August 14th wedding (on the Jersey Shore) is still a go. In fact, the Post has Willie Forte (keyboardist of the B Street Band – a Springsteen cover band, natch – which is signed up for House Band duties) saying, “As of today, the wedding is still on.”
Thanks, Willie!
The Bronx Zoo is closing four of its exhibits (The World of Darkness, The Rare Animal Range and exhibits for the Arabian oryx and blesbok (they’re antelopes). One of the hundreds of animals being shipped off to other zoos include the Night Monkey. Here is his description: A 21st-century Mr. Mom with an old-fashioned sense of loyalty — and a wicked talent for mimicry that makes him a natural entertainer and cheap first-alert system. Dedicated stay-at-home dad loves the old ladyand remains a mate for life.
This makes me want to write a play called ‘night, Monkey.
On page 15, there’s a photo of 83-year-old Bette Calman doing a peacock pose. She’s a yoga instructor.
And I find this to be a more disturbing crime against Nature than the glowing cloned beagle.
Page Six (on page 18 today) has learned (from… Courteney Love?!) that Pamela Anderson lives in a trailer park and she doesn’t own a credit card. Of course, the trailer park is in Malibu (a double-wide trailer will run you $325,000; really swank, um, trailers go for upwards of $1,200,000), but it’s still… weird.
Did HBO ask Jessica Lange to put herself up for a Best Supporting Actress Emmy, so that Drew Barrymore could run alone for Best Actress (they both star in Grey Gardens – the movie based on the play based on the documentary)? The Post’s “source” says yes, but there’s a particular quote that struck me as funny: “Now we have a scenario where either Lange will go home empty-handed, or neither will win. It’s unfortunate.” Is HBO putting all of their eggs into one Barrymore?
Whycome Jessica can’t win, HBO? Too Jewish?
George Harris exposed himself to a 44-year-old woman in Central Park on Tuesday afternoon. He then jumped on a bike and sped off while the woman flagged down a cop. The cop gave chase and finally took George down near Strawberry Fields.
Harris would later protest that his crime was “nothing to get hung about.”
(of the 26 Beatles jokes I came up with, this is my favorite)
Mr. My Daughter Was In That Slumdog Movie Do I Hear $400,000? will NOT be facing any charges. The police questioned him, but when they went to the hotel where the reporters from News of the World were staying – THEY WERE NO LONGER THERE.
So, the police closed the case. Instead of, oh I dunno, calling News of the World?
Cross Mumbai off the list, Teresa.
Bill O’Reilly explains that The New York Times is close to going out of business is that it is “most definitely a committed left-wing concern that is openly contemptuous of the conservative, traditional point of view. That is the primary reason the paper may soon dissolve.”
I find Bill to be fair, balanced, and so full of shit that the pores of his skin look like one of those rectangular butter packets that you stick a fork in and then press the sides of and the butter shoots out in 4 snake-like columns, except the butter is shit and there are billions of pores on his hateful body.
And not necessarily in that order.
Pete Hammond (of Hollywood.com) calls Fighting “The real deal.”
I don’t know what that means.
Yesterday’s paper had stories about: how the FDA is giving in to a judge’s ruling and allowing Plan B pills to be sold to 17-year-olds; Rove’s response to the possibility of him being prosecuted for Torturegate (“…[then] how can they place any limits on who they prosecute,” he blubbered sweatily); the two New Guinea tribesmen who are suing The New Yorker for defamation (to the tune of $10,000,000 – I’m serious!); how Apple finally removed the Baby Shaker application from their iPhone App Store (a baby cries until you shake your phone enough that you kill it – the App lasted 2 1/2 days); the new Hollywood horror remake, Piranha 3-D starring Richard Dreyfuss and Ving Rhames; the 17-year-old who was drugged and raped by a B-movie director in 2007 and how the rapist was just sentenced to five years in prison (despite his total lack of remorse in court!); how the guy who was knocked into a coma by that giant Serbian guy who skipped town has just woken up and he thinks he’s in a Star Trek episode (see photo below if’n you don’t believe me); how the NYPD claims hackers attempt to break into their systems 70,000 a day. And I was also going to write a very long response to something Archbishop Dolan said.
What he said made me think of the O.J. Simpson trial ([BJ and the] bear with me). Remember how everyone who thought he was guilty heard the verdict and thought “how could the jury hear all that forensic evidence and still acquit him”? Well, that’s just it. There was too much. People don’t like details anymore. Details are hard. Sound bites and icons are easy to swallow.
“The glove didn’t fit.”
“Well, he was wearing a plastic glove underneath…”
“The glove didn’t fit, so we gots to acquit.”
“Well, but also a glove soaked in blood would probably shrink…”
“Blah blah words blah. Did Marcia Clark talk in rhyme? No. Fuck her. I want to punch her in the tit/And the glove didn’t fit/So let’s acquit!”
“That is catchy!”
One of the jurors did a one-woman show about her experiences that really freaked me out (at one point, a juror complained “so what if they have O.J.’s DNA on the victims – I have the same blood type as my uncle!”). Science got smacked in the face during that trial. Complex evidence was given short shrift by an easily bored group of 12 people not smart enough to get out of jury duty. Yesterday, science was dealt an even worse blow.
“There’s an in-built code of right and wrong that’s embedded in the human DNA. Hard-wired into us is a dictionary, and the dictionary defines marriage as between one man, one woman for life, please God, leading to the procreation of human life. And if we begin to tamper with very definition of marriage, then we’re going to be in big trouble. We’re not anti-gay — we’re pro the most basic definition of marriage.”
That’s what Archbishop Dolan said.
1) In-built isn’t a word. Built-in is.
2) Are you saying that humans know right from wrong from birth? Whatever happened to free will, Timmy?
3) Are you also saying that we know certain definitions of words as being inherently true? Does that not sound as ridiculous to you as it does to me? That “marriage” is a guy and a gal (please God?) for pro-creative purposes only? And why is the guy in the penis hat and Liberace outfit telling people how to have loving relationships? Ain’t he celibate?
4) I wish I could find the photo from this article online I saved the page. Maybe I’ll upload it later. It looks like Dolan is administering fellatio to an ethereal prong.
5) You, man of God, are not allowed to say “DNA” ever again. I mean it. Your flock of believers (many of whom were relieved when O.J. was acquitted) will hear “DNA” and “definition of marriage” and think they are somehow related. That is your despicable intention and you should be ashamed of yourself.
6) You say you’re “pro the most basic definition of marriage” but you don’t seem to know what it is. The most basic fundamental definition of marriage (in my humble opinion) is love. Two people who love each other enough to want to spend every day and every night together for the rest of their lives. Not ([penis capable of reproducing] + [vagina capable of reproducing] = marriage). That’s the basic definition of the perpetuation of the human race. That’s the definition for humanity’s self-preservation. Marriage, if done right, is about letting two people in love share their love with their friends and relatives and, if one needs medical help, to be able to have their partner deal with it for them. Don’t you ever ever ever use science to explain how marriage is only for heterosexuals (with working junk).
7) Actually, if you look real close? You are anti-gay. Because that book about God that Man wrote might say its wrong.
Here’s coma boy.
I take nap. Night night!
P.S. – Orson Scott Card also hates the gays.
http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/hr/content_display/news/e3ic65aba1d643fc23cf1da7ad1c1a72ebd
NBC must be freaking out big time.
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