Archive for April 5th, 2009

Another walk in the park (this time with a bag of bread for the ducks, geese and swans). Another morning of smiles (and as Volume 3 of the Venture Bros. plays in the DVD player, an afternoon/early evening of smiles is assured). But I have been neglecting you, dear readers. I beg your forgiveness.

Please to resume guffawing.

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Joseph DeAcetis, 45, is suing his former employer (Playboy) for $4,000,000. He claims that during his employment (since 2000; he joined the staff full-time in 2005) he was often the victim of cruel taunts (the editorial director called gay men “girls” which I guess is like the “n” word; if you aren’t gay and you call gay men girls it’s offensive).

B’also? After Joe went on the TV to discuss one of his sections in an upcoming issue, he was told that his younger non-gay assistant should do all future TV – because “his was the right look.”

1) Men really don’t care about the fashion spreads in Playboy. Going on TV to discuss them has little to no effect on sales. Unless you are targeting women and gay men – they love silver-haired buff gay men telling them what looks fabulous (it’s science fact!).

2) The “look” of “Playboy” has always been Hugh Hefner, who is 132 and gay and decaying before our eyes. Does a gay 45-year-old stand a chance at convincing a jury that his company doesn’t like old gay men?

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How bad is the economy?

Balducci’s is closing both of their Manhattan locations.

If you or someone you know is going through withdrawal, I will happily go grocery shopping for you and charge you thrice as much.

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Yesterday’s Page Six (on page 10) reports on something hilarious from the upcoming Bruno movie. That anyone who has seen the trailer already knows about.

B’also? Demi Moore saved someone’s life on Twitter.

Great job(s)!

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Big ups to Judge Esme Chombo! She’s the lady who ruled that Madonna cannot have another Malawian baby (until she finishes eating the first one). Apparently, there’s this rule that in order to adopt a Malawian baby, you have to live in Malawia for 18-24 months. Madge somehow avoided that hitch the last time out.

No husband to emasculate and now only one Malawian baby to drag on tour?!? Poor Madonna Louise Ciccone Bernhard Penn Ritchie Rodriguez.

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Fuck you, Wisconsin!

They held the record for most people dressed like Waldo (as in Where’s…?) in one place (577). Then the Rutgers University crowd realized that they weren’t doing much last Thursday and 1,052 gathered of them in New Brunswick’s State Theater dressed in the striped hat/shirt combo and also the glasses. Wisconsin is reportedly devastated, telling a source (when asked how it felt about being usurped in the record books) that it “didn’t understand the question.”

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Speaking of terrific schools, NYU sent out 489 “You’re accepted!” e-mails on April 1st. Except all 489 had been rejected.

NYU insists the fact that this occured on April Fool’s Day is totally coincidental.

When asked if she considered this ironic, Alanis Morissette reportedly told a source that she “didn’t understand the question.”

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Michelle Malkin sez, “I have seen the electoral future, and it is rigged.”

I would love to sit down with her and have her explain what her definition of “electoral” is.

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YouTube is estimated to lose $470,000,000 this year.

Google won’t even notice.

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Dig this:

WHDH-TV in Boston has decided they like showing local news at 10:00 p.m. That’s what their audience likes, that’s what they’ll keep doing. Except they’re an NBC affiliate. And Jay Leno owns 10:00 p.m. five nights a week from now on.

WHDH won’t back down, so they’ll be losing their affiliate status with NBC. Unless they actually realize what that ultimately means for their ratings and reconsider real soon.

But it raises a pretty interesting question: Who the fuck wants to watch Jay Leno NOT on The Tonight Show? My prediction? The incredibly smart group of writers that Conan has in his stable will craft a show that is true to the Tonight Show model while breathing new life into it. Viewers will follow him and remain from Leno’s run. And Jay’s show will be a colossal failure (in comparison to his old numbers). But NBC will have invested too much to not produce and air it. It will therefore be given a chance to transform into something blander and therefore more successful and before that will cause rioting in the streets?

Apocalypto!

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Oh, Post. You are the raggiest of rags.

“Dora the Explorer – the real one, not the new, souped-up teenage model – comes to Radio City Music Hall this week…”

This is a reference to the toy (singular) that has “angered” parents because the regularly-7-year-old character is cast as a teenager (in one single toy).

The live-action show at Radio City features actors. Needless to say, the actress playing Dora is beyond her teens.

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North Korea has successfully launched a Taepodong-2 missile (the deadliest of dong types). They can now attack the U.S. with the push of a button.

B’also? They still totes have two American citizens as hostages. Where is the news coverage of this?

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Farrah Fawcett’s battle with rectal cancer has gotten good news and bad news this week. The bad news is that the cancer has forced Farrah to be hospitalized. The good news is that NBC has picked up her TV show, A Wing and A Prayer – which chronicles her battle with rectal cancer.

I hope the show airs while people are trying to eat hot dogs.

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A guy killed three cops in Pittsburgh. His friends told reporters that he was sad about losing his job and that he was afraid that the Obama administration was going to ban guns entirely (so, you know, he killed three cops).

This makes me think of something Teresa and were talking about yesterday: Fox’s news outlets (the Post is owned by the same greasy Australian) recent habit of showcasing stories about escaped wild animals, people shooting cops and immigrants and whatever – laying a foundation of implied blame on the crazy socialist Black guy in the White House.

I know, I know. I’m reading into it too much. I’ll keep watching in the next month. Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong.

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Once again the Post omits the best parts of the story. A choreographer from Dancing With The Stars and Steve Wozniak For Some Reason has been arrested on suspicion of raping four of his students.

Police say that over the past 6 years, he’d lure the victims to his home, then he “created a ruse to get them into his bedroom and raped them.”

I want to know a) if the students were male and/or female and b) what kind of ruse gets someone into your bedroom (“Have you ever danced on a mattress? That’s how all the really good dancers practice.”?).

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Just had a good long overdue chat with Matt Kaye. Boy do I miss that guy.

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Oh, Plaxico. Yesterday it was announced (to me anyway) that the Giants were officially done with you. Only you could outshine that story with some more criminal mishaps!

On March 1st of this glorious year, Plaques drove 60 in a 45, had improper tags and improper window tintings, and he made an improper lane change (= 4 violations!) and was ticketed by a good copper.

On March 8th, he was pulled over for erratic driving. The cop walked over to the driver’s door and opened it to find Plaques on the phone. “Fuck you! You can’t open my fucking door!” he yelled in reply.

In fact, every question the officer asked him (and every command the officer gave him) was answered with “Fuck you.” Except for the time he told the cop, “Fuck you. You’re going to be in a lot of trouble. I know the sheriff personally. You’re going to hear about this by the end of your shift.”

The Broward County Sheriff claims he has never met Plaques in his life.

Oh, Plaxico. You sound so simple; you’ll just have to go.

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Octomom doesn’t like the name Octomom because “it ignores her other six kids.”

Just like her!

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I dont have a full-time job. Dan Aquilante does.

On the $500-a-ticket Transcendental Meditation show at Radio City Music Hall featuring The (remaining) Beatles:

“Still, the night’s big prize was when Paul got aid from his friend Ringo on the song ‘With A Little Help From My Friends.’”

The bass player got aid from the singer? I hope Dan gets aid. Plural.

(just kidding, Dan – I wish you no harm… just do your job better please)

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Just when I though Paterson couldn’t do anything to get re-elected, Rush Limbaugh has announced that he is moving out of New York State because of Paterson’s new taxes.

Paterson now has my vote.

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Adam McKay has a brilliant piece about the death of the iconic anchorman/local news personality (Len Berman just got fired by NBC after 374 years). My favorite line is, “Let’s face it, local news has always been pretty sugary, but these days, it looks like the National Enquirer and the Weekly World News had a baby and taught it to only speak drug shootings and Madonna affairs.”

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How bad is the economy?

Common Sense, The Rights of Man and Other Essential Writings of Thomas Paine is on the list of Amazon.com’s 25 top-selling paperbacks.

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There’s a new book for incredibly stupid women called Why He Didn’t Call You Back. Without going into too much detail (in honor of this sad excuse of a book), here is a list of the 10 personality types that guys don’t want a second date with:

10) The Win0; 9) The Psychobabbler; The Busy Bee; 7) The Ex-Factor; 6) The Debbie Downer (call your lawyers, Lorne!); 5) The Bitch in Boots; 4) The Park Avenue Princess; 3) The Bait & Switch; 2) The Blahs; and 1) The Boss Lady (which is totes different than The Bitch In Boots, I’m sure).

If you still need further explanation for these “personality types” then you are having this read to you.

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Gene Shalit says, “Monsters vs. Aliens jumps off the screen in 3-D!”

Did you find this review of Monsters vs. Aliens in 3-D helpful?

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Dwight Gooden is assuring fans that his nephew, Gary Sheffield, still “has plenty left” for the Mets.

Yeah, plenty of rage, bitching, ass-dragging, steroids and cocaine.

And Gary’s only making roughly $400,000 more than I am this year.

In fact, I bet the Mets spend more publicizing his inevitable 500th home run than they’ll put in this douche’s bank account.

Enjoy Queens, Gary.

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OK. I’m back. Happy Sunday night. See you tomorrow.

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