Archive for April 17th, 2009

This is damn cool. Enjoy!

You like that? How about this:

(Thanks, Scott!)

And to lighten the mood a wee bit:

I would never show children the Care Bears Share a Scare movie. It’s terrifying! At least with Fear Dot Com I know that Stephen Dorff will put them to sleep before anything scary (or otherwise) happens. A mummified Care Bear? Are you out of your fucking mind?

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Good morning!

As expected, I cannot stop reading Failblog. Which is why it’s almost noon and I am only this far in on today’s entry. But I’ve managed to pry mself loose from its glorious comedy teat (for how long, who knows?), so let’s get cracking.

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At least nine universities across the country have recently gotten anonymous donations totaling at least $45,000,000. The one stipulation? They aren’t allowed to try and find out who made the donations.

Purdue got $8,000,000. North Carolina got $1,500,000. U of Iowa got $7,000,000.

Quick question: Since there is currently a quadrisquillion dollars of purloined/MIA money currently being searched for (thank you, Madoff et al), maybe we hold off on the “don’t ask where this gigantic donation is coming from” stuff for a year or two?

I’m just sayin’ is all.

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Yesterday’s Yankee game was terrific. Until I had lunch. Then it was horrendous. Pre-lunch? Posada homers and ties the score 1-1. After lunch? Cleveland’s up 10-1. Final score? 10-2.

What else went wrong yesterday? Well, for starters, at 12:15 p.m. (as fans continued to stream into the new stadium) there was a shootout two blocks away (at the state Supreme Court building!). Rival gangs (The Jackson Avenue Gunnaz and Dimes Are Us) (I didn’t make those up – that’s what the Post calls them) fired three shots, hitting one gang member and freaking out many Yankee fans.

B’also? Pepsi promised to hand out 250 pairs of Yankee tickets in Times Square. But they only had 100. So what did the disappointed Yankee fans do? They chanted “Pepsi sucks!” over and over, as they tossed the free Pepsi t-shirts, posters and Cracker Jacks into a giant pile… and soaked it with Pepsi. We so classy.

B’also also? Yankee Stadium was almost razed to the ground yesterday when (after a 20 minute wait) fans at the concession stands were told that the stadium had run out of hot dog buns.

Oh, Yankees. Get it together.

(phone is ringin’, oh my God)

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Governor Paterson just earned my support (for the week at least).

Archbishop and Fancy Dresser Tim Dolan criticized Paterson’s support of gay marriage in New York. The Guv’s reply?

“I was christened Catholic… But this is a civil government.”

Brilliant entendre notwithstanding, I am always thrilled to hear a politician say something that flies in the face of religious folks who always seem to forget the positive things that that magic Jesus guy had to say. Will the bill pass? Not with assholes like Ruben Diaz (D-Bronx) fighting tooth and nail against it (he’s an evangelical pastor… and a politician) and urinating on the separation between church and state.

It’ll be so nice when we all get to Heaven and Peter (Tork) greets us at the gate and says, “All sins are forgiven… except the ones that were committed in the Lord’s name” and everyone who used The Bible to hate on gays is like “b-b-b-b-but…” and they fall through the clouds and land in Hell and Satan is like, “Guess what? You’re all gay now! And you’re getting married! And you’re gonna have sex with your spouse all the time! Until you love it! And then I’ll marginalize you for being gay! Because The Bible says so!”

And then Joss Ackland drives a golden Rolls Royce down from the clouds and the door opens and he teleports out… no, wait. That’s The Apple.

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The guy who plays basketball coach Antwon “Skills” Taylor on One Tree Hill (Antwon Tanner, 34) just sold some feds 16 Social Security numbers and 3 fake Social Security cards.

I guess the CW doesn’t pay that well (who’d uh thunk?).

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Yesterday, Linda Stasi screamed about how demeaning the show The Cougar is (it is).

Today, there’s an ad for this Sunday’s Post. Which will feature…

NEW YORK’S 10 HOTTEST COUGARS!

There’s a great shot of Carol Alt’s armpit in the ad, too. If that’s your thing.

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Tyra Banks had a stalker. He got caught. His trial starts today.

But prosecutors are now trying to reduce the charges against him. Is it because there isn’t enough evidence? Nope. Is it because the current charges are too harsh or a lesser charge makes more sense? Nope.

Defense lawyer Jeffrey Berman said in a pre-trial hearing that he believes that Tyra herself is demanding the charge reduction – so that she won’t have to testify in front of a jury.

“She puts herself out in the public about very interesting issues, and there are people out there who truly detest and dislike Miss Banks… I bet you anything Miss Banks made that request personally.”

You getting all this, McHale?

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Do you use parking meters in the city? It’s $0.25 for 30 minutes, right?

WRONG!

47,000 meters across NYC will now charge that same quarter for 20 minutes. You use to get an hour of parking for four bits. Now it’ll cost six bits. Ask your grandparents what that means.

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Linda Hogan (and her attorney, natch) are taking the Hulkster’s O.J. comments (which first appeared in Rolling Stone) very seriously. And she’s blaming their breakup not on her (cougarific) lust for the pool boy, but “Hulk’s serial cheating.”

Looks like O.J. may have snozzed and lost (apologies to M. Doughty).

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Will Ferrell (to promote Land of the Lost) appears on an episode of Man vs. Wild that taped in the Arctic north of Sweden. Will called the experience, “the thrill of a lifetime, even though I did get urine drunk, which is sad.”

That’s right, he drinks his own pee-pee in the episode. Set your DVRs accordingly.

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Hey – I just realized! If Jumbo has to buy two seats on United, he prolly gets two meals! That oughta cheer him (or her, to be fair) up!

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Anyone watch Bloomberg’s press conference yesterday? At one point, a reporter dropped his tape recorder and it started to play and Bloomy yelled at him.

“Turn it off! This is a little too important for playing music! Maybe we’ll just take everything outside!”

Christine Quinn whispered in Mike’s ear, “he’s disabled” to which Mike replied, “OK. I understand that. He can still turn it off.”

For almost a full minute, the disabled reporter (Michael Harris of Examiner.com) tried to pick up his tape recorder as everyone around him (including Angry Mike) watched.

Mr. Harris is in a wheelchair.

I guess money can’t buy you class.

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Somewhere Ron Silver is smiling. Or demanding that he be allowed to return to Earth in order to punch Lizzie Grubman.

Lizzie “I Drove My Car Into A Crowd Of People To Prove That My Money Would Help Me Avoid Serious Consequences And I Was Right! Thanks, MTV!” Grubman is telling anyone who will listen (through the whistle emanating from her front teeth) that her newborn son’s middle name is Ron (in Hebrew) in honor of the actor, who never hit people with his car on purpose.

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Cindy Adams was allowed in Steinbrenner’s box yesterday? For the whole game? Ugh. No wonder we lost.

“Forget ‘Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack.’ It’s now ‘Buy me some pasta and a sushi snack.’”

No it isn’t, you delirious relic.

Also in the box (though not the one Cindy belongs in) was Archbishop and Chief Disliker of Homos Tim Dolan. Cindy says he asked her if he could buy her a beer. She said that in George’s box they’re free. “I know and that’s the only reason I offered to buy,” replied the possibly Jewish Dolan.

Joey keeps asking for you, Cin. Go to him.

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Man, I wish there were more news stories about Susan Boyle. Especially with giant headlines like THIS UGLY DUCKLING’S A CANARY

I see what you did there, guys. Great job.

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Sometimes the Police Blotter forces coffee out of my mouth and into my hand (just like R. Mason and her vomit!).

“An East Flatbush woman choked her elderly mother into unconsciousness after the victim told her to flush the toilet.”

Your honor, the jury finds this story to be hilarious. On all counts.

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Michelle Malkin! Whatchoo been up to? Got a headline that will offend all the right people?

A Million Taxpayer March

Oh! You’re comparing the “Tea-baggings” of Wednesday with the Million Man March?

“An incomplete survey of newspaper accounts and organizer estimates pegged this week’s Tea Party protest population at a minimum of 250,000. If we use the crowd-counting math of left-wing activists, we can call it the Million Taxpayer March.”

Ah! I see what you did there! Well, if I can use the though process of your fellow Republican Betty Brown, might I suggest you changing your name to something you can pronounce more easily?

BOOM.

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Yankee game starts in 5 minutes. Do I watch?

Joba’s pitching… OK. I’ll give it a try.

I’m glad Posada hit the first homer in the new stadium yesterday and Sabathia got the first K.

But I’m mortified that A-Rod is claiming he’ll be back way ahead of schedule. Key-ripes.

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Dear Tracy Pollan,

What did you think I would do at this moment? I’m reading that you play the mother of the titular victim in Lifetime’s Natalee Holloway. Really? THAT’S what brought you back to TV? The network claims that they weren’t finished editing the movie in time to send screeners out to critics (that’s what the Disaster Movie folks said!), but we both know that’s a lie. One paper managed to see a screener (Birmingham, AL’s News) and they called it “sloppy and uneven, a forgettable look at the tragedy that consumed the nation’s attention for months.”

When people in Alabama find ANYTHING on the magic picture box “sloppy”…

How about you and Tracy Nelson team up to play sisters who get into all sorts of hiarious mischief? Meschach Taylor could play your adoptive transgender grandmother! It writes itself! And no one has to die for you to make it!

Call me if you’re interested,

Jed

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Hey, BOC! Guess who’s getting a new reality show on VH1! Your functionally-illiterate favorite!

Fantasia Barrino!

Oh… I didn’t mean to make you cry, sweetie. I’m sorry. Hey – this’ll cheer you up:

Johnny Depp is on SpongeBob SquarePants tonight! He plays super-surfer Jack Kahuna Laguna!

Isn’t that nice?

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Second fucking batter hits a home run.

1-0 in the bottom of the 1st. Why am I doing this to myself? They always start the year awful.

Sigh. Damon hits a single! Yay! Here comes Teixeira! Who’s batting… .160?!?!

Damon steals! Teixeira walks! Here comes Swisher!

He pops out. But Damon takes third! Here comes Posada! Hip hip Jorge!

Grounds out on the first pitch. At the end of 1, it’s 1-0 Cleveland.

I’m going for a walk.

Have a lovely day (the weekend is only 4 hours away!)