Archive for April 19th, 2009

Today’s front page features a photo of Hideki Matsui at the plate, bat in hands, making a silly face. The headline is STINKEES! and refers to the 22-4 loss they recorded yesterday against the Indians. That’s most of the front page. But at the top is the second cover story (this one with EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS!): Madonna bucked by horse in Hamptons.

But a quick trip to page 3 reveals that, sadly, this is not a euphemism; she was thrown while riding a horse (in a non-sexual way). She suffered only minor bruises (and not a one to her ego). If only she had moved to Malawi, this never would have happened.

During his bid for the presidency in 2004 (and today, with Obama in the White House, it seems no less ridiculous), The Fat Reverend Al Sharpton and his National Action Network broke so many federal election rules (like the magical $65,000 that helped pay his AmEx bill and has no known point of origin) that he has to fork over $285,000 to the FEC.

He also has to forfeit all of his Mabel King necklaces.

(I’m still offering $5 in cash for photographic proof that Al Sharpton and Mabel King are two different people)

Hundreds of FDNY medics (721 to be exact) took the lieutenant exam in 2008. Guess how many passed.

Are there three digits in your answer? Then you’re wrong.

Are there two digits in your answer? Still way off.

Eight. Out of 721, eight passed.

When the test was given in 2004, 1,044 took it and 409 passed. That’s a 39% pass rate.

Compared to 2008’s 1.1% (NB: THERE IS A DECIMAL POINT BETWEEN THE TWO ONES).

Chien-Ming Wang’s ERA is now 34.50.

Yesterday, he was replaced by Anthony Claggett (making his MLB debut!) who now has an ERA of 43.20.

All of a sudden, Swisher is looking like pitching material (still kidding, I think).

Seven Somali pirates have been captured by… the Dutch?!?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The Upper East Side’s Rob Ryder, 38, owns four dogs. His neighbors say they bark way too much (non-stop, all day long) and Ryder has been fined three times for noise violations and the judge said the dogs would be confiscated when he gets his next citation.

Ryder’s opinion? “Give me a break! Everybody in this city owns dogs! This is Manhattan. Move to Minnesota if you want quietness.”

What’s quietness? Is that like mutation?

Oksana Grigorieva (the FOURTH Oksana!) looks like the winner in the Which Russian Lady, Most Likely Named Oksana, Broke Up Mel Gibson’s Marriage Contest.

Congratulations, you win the $1,000,000,000 star’s… excuse me, the $500,000,000 star’s heart and blue jeans.

Fun fact: Oksana has a son by her former boyfriend, Timothy Dalton!

City officials are hoping to replace the wooden boardwalk at Coney Island with concrete.

“The concrete, which comes tinted in pleasingly named colors like ‘kayak’ and ‘autumn gold,’ would be cut to resemble wooden planks under the city’s latest plan…”

We were just there and the boardwalk mos def needs repairing ASAP. But a) how is ‘kayak’ a color; b) how is ‘kayak’ a pleasing name; c) how do you tint concrete; d) why would you tint concrete; e) does the city know about petrified wood; f) it’s wood, but it’s hard like concrete and it comes in pleasingly named colors like ‘wood’ and ‘timber.’

WELCOME TO COUGARTOWN! Yeah! Pages 18 and 19 have the ten “hottest” “cougars” in town”!”

(in no particular order)

Donna Karan, 60! Kelly Klein, 52! Madonna, 50! Carol Alt (showing less armpit and more bosom today),48! Katie Couric, 52! Elle MacPherson, 45! Helena Christensen, 40! And three women I’ve never heard of!

Me-yow!

[Side question: when you apply for a job at the Post, is there a pre-interview form you sign that states you have no shame? Or is it just assumed, because you're applying for a job at the Post?]

Poor Bryan Garaventa, 18.

On Election Day, Bryan went on a “racism-fueled rampage” beating a Black man into a coma. He is currently free pending sentencing for that crime. Or, he was, but he got mad at a lady and decided to punch the windshield and kick the door and fender of her car (breaking the door handle), and left ten threatening messages on her answering machine.

I really hope these new charges don’t influence the judge who has to figure out how to sentence poor Bryan for BEATING A MAN INTO A COMA.

“I’m going to send you to prison for a long time. But first, you know, hang out with your boys, get into mischief… we’ll meet back here in a few weeks and decide what to do with you, you wacky scamp!”

Was yesterday’s loss to Cleveland a tragedy? Meh. We got slaughtered, sure, but we’re still at .500 (6-6) and we have a chance to make everything right. Today. Taking the mound for the Injuns will be… Carl Pavano.

The Great Pavumpkin has a chance to make Yankee fans angry that we let him go (or to remind us that we paid him $40,000,000 for a handful of games over four years).

Come on, Yanks.

I think we have brunch plans, so it’s the great outdoors for us. The park is so lovely.

Enjoy what remains of your weekend.