Archive for April 20th, 2009

Why is it that all of my spam mail has typographical errors (spelling and grammar)? Is penis that hard to spell? And if your company is trying to trick me into thinking that I am getting an email from an old friend who’s been “thinking about te old times,” wouldn’t it be wise to not send me the same email (with same opening typo) twelve times? When I open my spam folder, I see a dozen of these and, naturally I find the coincidence so astonishing, I have to reply to all of them! Oh, spam folder. How I adore you.

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My Mafia Wars mafia is strong like ox! Not only did sweetie-pie Gus Richter and sexy-pants John Bolger join up, but none other than Gotham Underground writer Frank Tieri! Ha! I’m building Mega Casinos like they’re going out of style!

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Here’s a headline that’s guaranteed to depress everyone that reads it (skip ahead, Teresa).

The father of the 9-year-old girl who played Latika in Slumdog Millionaire (Rubina Ali) put her up for sale. For 200,000 pounds ($296,000).

According to reporters, a Middle Eastern family inquired about adopting the child (not knowing if she had a family) which caused the father to think that there might be a market for the sale of his daughter. Thankfully, the people he tried to sell her to were undercover reporters for The News of the World. They offered him 50,000 pounds but he (and his brother who at one point proclaimed, “This is not an ordinary child. This is an Oscar child.”) managed to get them to quadruple their fake offer .

When Rubina’s biological mother found out, she attacked Rubina’s stepmother in front of the father’s house. No charges have been filed yet (I guess India cares about their kids almost as much as we do).

But I had no idea they had telenovelas in India!

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I have decided that, due to my incredibly sore back (I pulled it somehow a couple of days ago), I am going to treat myself to a movie today. Since my SAG card is prohibiting me from doing the only available extra work I’ve been offered, I think I deserve to use it to take in a movie (or 4,000). But what shall I see today?

17 Again: why would I want to see 18 Again again – with Matthew Perry replacing George Burns?

Duplicity: meh.

Observe & Report: want to see it with Teresa/the DVD will probably be even funnier.

I Love You, Man: see above.

Monsters vs. Aliens 3-D: I have to pay for 3-D movies. So… no.

Dragonball: Evolution: I know nothing about the franchise. I would like to keep it that way, if at all possible.

Hannah Montana: The Movie: even without my sex-offender mustache, I just couldn’t.

That leaves Fast & Furious and Crank 2.

Here’s how I shall decide. Ever see the movie Let It Ride? Great, great movie. One of the best lesser-known comedies of the 80’s (90’s?). Richard Dreyfuss is a compulsive gambler who gets a hot streak at the track one day and keeps letting it ride. At one point, when he can’t decide what horse to bet on, he asks his friends and complete strangers who they like. Then he bets the one horse on one picked. He wins.

The top 5 movies this weekend were 17 Again, State of Play, Monsters vs. Aliens, Hannah Montana and Fast & Furious.

Crank 2 only grossed $6,500,000, coming in 6th place. Ergo, most Americans haven’t and won’t see it in the theaters. I’m putting my faith in the nation’s taste being off. Wish me luck.

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Yet still another article about Susan Boyle. This time it’s her possible duet with Elaine Paige.

BUT YOU CANNOT KEEP WRITING ARTICLES — AND IT’S NOT JUST THE NYP DOING IT — ABOUT HOW EMPOWERING THIS WOMAN IS TO THE BILLIONS OF NON-SUPERMODEL-ESQUE GIRLS IN THE WORLD IF YOU CAPTION HER PHOTO “FRUMPY SONGBIRD.”

Actual final sentence of the article: “‘She is a role model for everyone who has a dream,’ Paige said.”

Left on the cutting room floor: “‘Assuming,’ Paige continued, ‘that everyone dreams of being called that unfuckable eyesore with the pretty voice what was on the comp-u-telly.*’”

*I’m not 100% sure what Brits call a computer, but I’m pretty sure it’s comp-u-telly.

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Who do I root for?

Senate Republicans who have refused to back the MTA bailout plans (and that would be… ALL OF THEM) will now reap the rewards thanks to our incredibly horrible political system. See, to sway them to chage their minds, the Democrats will now perform a mating dance often referred to as “ADDING PORK TO THE BARREL.”

Try and wrap your heads around this’un.

The Republicans are holding their collective breath, so the Democrats will try and bribe them (give me a better word, if one exists) by adding lots of pork that would benefit their pet projects (there is currently AT LEAST $85,000,000 in earmarks that the Senate hasn’t yet allocated). If the Republicans acquiesce, they look like hypocrites. If they don’t, they get to tell their constituents that the Democrats wanted to give them money and they said thanks, but no thanks.

B’also? If the Republicans agree to stop blocking the bailout, I may still have a bus to ride on this summer. If they don’t, I won’t.

Who do I root for?

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Rudy 9iu11ani is blasting Governor Paterson’s support of gay marriage. And, in case you were wondering, “do any Republicans favor gay marriage?” Rudy sets the record straight.

“I think gay marriage will obviously be an issue for any Republican next year because Republicans are either in favor of the position I’m in favor of – civil unions – or in many cases Republicans don’t even favor civil unions.”

This would make the Log Cabin Republicans furious, if any of them wanted gay marriage. Which, apparently, none of them do.

Also, 9iu11ani has been married three times. One of those times was to his COUSIN. And he has the audacity to talk about the sanctity of marriage? What a lisping cousin-fucking jerk.

BONUS FAIL: When Rudy split from his wife (Donna Hanover), he moved in with Mark Hsaio and Howard Koeppel for 6 months. Mark and Howard are going to Connecticut next month to get married. Maybe if you guys weren’t such Nazis about who emptied the Brita pitcher without refilling it, New York would have gay marriage by now, guys. Take a bow. And tie it in your hair! Pretty pretty princess!

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According to the paper of cassingle (I can’t call the Post the paper of record without my fingers laughing uncontrollably), health insurance in NYC is now more expensive than a two-bedroom apartment in the Financial District.

Tell me again how the system isn’t broken, Fox News.

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How bad is our economy? In 2006, Corporate America made $785,000,000,000 in profits. In 2008, it made $98,900,000,000. That may not look that bad (almost 100 billion is nothing to sneeze at), that’s a drop of 87%. Biggest drop in the history of the Fortune 500 list (which is who told me this).

Wal-Mart ranked 2nd (they placed 1st in six of the last seven years) with $405,600,000,000 in revenue behind Exxon-Mobil who had $442,850,000,000.

Stop. Reread the last two paragraphs.

Corporate America (as a whole) made less than $100,000,000,000 in total. But Wal-Mart brought in over 4 times that amount and still missed 1st place by almost $40,000,000,000?

Explain to me again why that financial judgement against Exxon-Mobil was so drastically reduced.

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Despite none being there at the time, Madonna is now blaming paparazzi for her recent equine accident.

But now that she’s divorced from Guy, is she doing it in a horrible English accent?

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Jackie Chan just made billions of enemies. While discussing democracy vs. authoritarian rule in China, the 55-year-old who has made a dozen Hollywood movies but still speaks English like the waiters in A Christmas Story said, “I’m not sure if it’s good to have freedom or not. I’m gradually beginning to feel that we Chinese need to be controlled. If we’re not being controlled, we’ll just do what we want.”

Some people say that he should be ashamed to say that about his fellow Chinese citizens, while others agree that the Chinese will wander aimlessly unless they are yelled at and told who to be and what to do with their lives. I think Jackie was just trying to shirk responsibility for being in the Karate Kid remake (currently in pre-production!).

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Now that some of the Hamptons’ wealthiest aren’t all that wealthy anymore, work on mansions has slowed. And all those Hispanic day laborers that used to have jobs are now living in the woods in crude makeshift campsites.

This is like a horror story told by a WASP.

“And that’s when Sally noticed the shoes on her boyfriend’s feet… were white!”

(the story took place after Labor Day and the corpse of the boyfriend was hanging from a tree branch directly above the car Sally was in)

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I love Richard Jenkins. Great actor. And I haven’t read Eat, Pray, Love, but apparently Richard has been cast in the Julia Roberts-starring film version as “a sensual Brazilian.”

I… can actually see him pulling this off.

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Michael Lewis noticed his daughter’s teacher always laughed at him whenever he dropped her off at school. So he asked his wife, (the) Tabitha Soren, why that was. He was told that their daughter loved to run around the classroom screaming, “Daddy has a small penis!”

And also, you’re married to Tabitha Soren.

B’also? I’d prefer the teacher call the police, rather than laugh at the guy’s tiny penis.

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In Houston, Chanton Jenkins, 32, tried to use his cell phone while driving drunk. His car went into a ditch. Five children were killed.

Moral of the story?

Let. Texas. Secede.

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Gov. Paterson related a chat he had with then-President Bush shortly after replacing Spitzer.

“The president asked me, ‘So, have you adjusted yet to living in the Governor’s Mansion?’ I said, ‘Not yet. The other night I couldn’t find the bathroom.’ And the president said, ‘Hey, we Texans say that’s what we got kitty litter for.’”

Let. Texas. Secede.

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There’s a picture on 21 that shows a 2-inch (give or take) head from a statue. The caption says it “resembles” Marc Anthony. It is missing the nose and looks like every other Greco-Roman statue head I have ever seen.

And it has better skin than Mr. J.Lo.

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Wang’s ERA is now 34.50. He “might” be skipped in the rotation (he was gonna pitch against… Boston).

Tonight, ol’ reliable Andy Pettitte takes the mound. Last night’s win (against Pavano!) made us 7-6.

(crosses fingers)

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Remember when I asked who else NBC is courting for I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!?

Careful what you ask for.

Heidi and Spencer from The Hills! Sanjaya from American Idol! And they’re hoping to soon confirm Geraldo Rivera and Dog the Bounty Hunter!

WHO THE FUCK WOULD WATCH THIS?

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Off to see Crank 2: Electric Boogaloo! Ciao!

Press play and then turn around. Listen to the song (3:09) all the way through. Then turn back around and press play again.

The song itself is a pleasant enough instrumental, but the way it sounds and the way it’s produced… I just think the visual is more powerful if you’ve heard it before you see it performed.

Thanks, Lori!

More to come…