Archive for April 21st, 2009

If there wasn’t so much incredible material in today’s paper, I’d be cooking dinner by now. But, after my bath (which offered NO RELIEF!), a walk in the park (it HURT!) and a bus ride to and from the supermarket (which surprisingly felt GOOD on my back!), I read my paper and laughed and laughed. I will now discuss it.

Will you laugh and laugh?

Let’s find out together.

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How much of a chance does Paterson have at maintaining his current job after the next election?

When asked who their favorite governor was (out of the last 4), New Yorkers gave Cuomo (the elder) 39%, Pataki (who actually thinks he might one day be POTUS… ha!) 33% and Spitzer 14%. That leaves 14% for Magoo, right?

Oh, wait! I’m reading the Post! So Paterson got 8%. The other 6%? No idea. The Post doesn’t say.

Nevertheless, David Paterson shan’t ever be elected governor of New York.

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Oh, Newt Gingrich. Even your soundbites are wrong.

Now the guy who divorced his hospitalized wife via fax (and continues to campaign on his awesometastic morals) is blaming Obama’s shaking of Hugo Chavez’s hand with the sudden popularity of Chavez’s book here in the U.S.

Except the book that’s popular here is the one that Chavez gave Obama – Open Veins of Latin America: Five Centuries of athe Pillage of a Continent. Which Chavez didn’t write; it was written by Eduardo Galeano. And Gingrich would know that if he could somehow unstuff his head from his ass (I found it on Amazon in 3.8 seconds, even though I didn’t know the title or author).

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The Post is ragging on Obama because he is trimming $100,000,000 from his Cabinet’s budget. They say that that’s way too little.

If you trudge through the smug “that’s the equivalent of a family earning $50,000 a year slashing costs by all of $1.35″ bullshit and make it to the tenth paragraph, Obama explains that he’s trimming “$100,000,000 there, $100,000,000 here…” but that’s not as good a headline as “Oh, yeah, this’ll really help: Bam orders Cabinet to cut spending by whopping … 0.0027 percent!”

To paraphrase Rod Stewart, have I told you lately how I loathe you, Post?

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Further displaying their journalistic competence, the Post reports that a drunken guest at a wedding in Queens announced that she was having an affair with the groom. She allegedly called the groom the next day and said, “You’re life must be a living hell right now.”

Really, Post? Not “Your life…”?

Great job!

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Thank you, Brian.

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Have you ever gone on a family trip to the Four Corners? And did you are do the “I’m standing in four states at the same time!” thing?

Well I hope you saved your receipts.

Officials from the National Geodetic Survey announced recently that the Four Corners marker is 2.5 miles west of where it should be.

Thanks for destroying all your childhood memories, NGS!

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I wonder if the Post will be the only media outlet that decries the captured Somalian pirate’s smiling as he was paraded in front of photographers (one of which was a Post photo, which is how they got the photo of the smiling).

My irony meter is stuck on “oxymoron.”

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File this under “sexual fetishes that I never knew existed but now that I know I will never be able to erase it from my brain.”

You’ve been warned.

The Supreme Court is hearing arguments on whether or not the First Amendment guarantees a person’s right to sell tapes of dogfights and… crush videos.

“Jed,” I hear you plaintively ask out of a seeming obligation, “what is a crush video?”

It’s when a woman crushes a small animal to death, usually with her bare feet or high heels.

(I didn’t go to no fancy lawyering school, but I’m gonna have to guess that freedom of speech was not intended to protect the weirdo pervs who like to masturbate to the smooshing of gerbils and the tearing apart of pit bulls. But, then, I’m silly.)

I’m glad this is what the Supreme Court is hearing. At least it isn’t a waste of time and resources and tax dollars and I can’t stop trying to imagine any shred of sex appeal in a crush video. This will keep me awake all night. Thanks, Post.

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Eliot Spitzer took one of his daughters to see State of Play last Friday.

Everyone who knows what State of Play is about and why that might be a horribly uncomfortable evening for father and child, raise your hand. Excellent. Everyone else, use the Google.

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OK. I wasn’t going to use this blog to beg for money, but times are hard and we have a lot of… well, I won’t bore you with the details. Suffice it to say, we need at least $13,500 ASAP. Well, we don’t; I do.

Charitybuzz.com is auctioning off a prize that is tailor-made for me. If I win this prize, I will have completed my mission on Earth.

Bidding for “lunch with Rosie O’Donnell and Star Jones” ends today, so you’ll have to teleport me the money or send it back in time.

I thank you all in advance for whatever you can give.

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Bill O’Reilly’s next book will be about Barack Obama.

Cindy Adams says he has offers from 19 publishers for the book… and it isn’t even written yet! LOL!

You know what I say? I say that, 15 years ago, if an agent wanted to get his client a better offer for their book/film/script/whatever, they’d call Cindy Adams or Liz Smith and they’d drop some item in their vapid stream-of-consciousness column about how the thing is a “hot property” and then the executive’s assistant’s assistant brings in Page Six (today on page 10) and says, “You’d better up the offer! Everyone wants a piece!” and the agent earned his 10% and everyone was happy.

But when I read something like the above today? It smacks of egotism (Bill doesn’t want to sell the book once it’s written – he must know what a horrible writer he is!). Just write your shitty book, Bill. Millions will buy it, hundreds will try to read it, life will go on.

Until… Apocalypto!

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A Jewish student group from France crashed a conference in Geneva and threw clown noses at Iranian nutjob Ahmadinejad to convey “the masquerade that this conference represents.”

That’s so sad: the Jewish part of them (wit, humor) has been overwhelmed by the French part (smug, confusing).

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Over 1,500 Con Ed customers in Beechhurst, Queens were without power recently because of Quaker parrots nesting in power lines. There’s a photo of the parrot nests. They’re kind of hard to not notice. You can see them from very far away.

But then, Con Ed isn’t that bright. No pun intended.

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Were you wondering “whatever happened to the guy who played the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld?”

Probably not (unless he’s a relative or you’re the guy who played the Soup Nazi), but the Post informs me that he has a gig now selling… well, that would be telling. Click the link and see for yourself!

(hint: if you wait until the end, he screams “no pine for you!” and you can see the shame in his eyes.)

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There’s a follow-up to yesterday’s child-from-Slumdog Millionaire-auction story, but it’s just the father blaming his neighbor and silly bullshit that just regurgitates everything I already told you.

Except for the last two sentences.

“Selling children is punishable by up to two years under Indian law. But aid groups say the practice runs unchecked in poor neighborhoods.”

Good to see we aren’t the only country that doesn’t care about its children.

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Ralph Peters ends his latest diatribe against Obama with “Whose president is he?”

Are you an American, Ralph? Because, if you are, then he’s YOUR president. How can someone that claims to be Fox News’ “strategic analyst” (there goes my irony meter again!) be so stupid (or did I just answer my own question)?

It just goes to show that if you eat enough dick, you’ll eventually ralph peters.

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Someone wrote in to criticize Gov. Paterson for proposing a gay-marriage bill the day after Tim Dolan’s installation as Roman Catholic Superman (or whatever his silly new title is). The author’s name?

Robert Gentile.

Only in New York, kiddies. Only in *mmfn*

(and that’s when I put the pillowcase over Cindy’s head and watch her legs kick… and then… I wake up)

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Hasbro says their first-quarter profit has dropped 47%. Apparently, people aren’t buying as many toys due to the current state of the economy.

Gee… I wonder if people will keep buying ToyFare…

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Haven’t heard a note but I have to buy the album.

Tinted Windows is: Bun E. Carlos on drums. James Iha on guitar. Adam Schlesinger on bass. Taylor Hanson on vocals.

They’re on Letterman tonight, Fallon on Thursday. Unless the song is horrible and they sound horrendous, I think I’ve found my 2009 summer album.

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Win a trip to Costa Rica! Holy crap! I love Costa Rica! My wife loves Costa Rica! I’m totally going to enter this New York Post Sweepstakes!

Let’s see… name… address… phone… e-mail… done! All I have to do is send this in by… April 20,2009. That must be a typo. Over here it says… 4/20/09.

You miserable bastards. You published an entry form for a contest no one can enter any longer.

If I hadn’t already won a 2-week cruise from you… (shakes fist)

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The Yankees are 7-6. Boston is 7-6. The Mets are 6-6.

I loves me some baseball.

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What I don’t love is that every day, I read that A-Rod is thinking about coming back sooner than expected. Every day. This reminds me of what I said about Bill O’Reilly’s new book. Just fucking heal, Alex. Then you’ll come back and be paid tons of money to sleep in in October. OK?

B’also? Here’s a breakdown on Wang’s ERA:

April 8th it was 17.18 after 3.2 innings.

April 13th it was 72.00 in 1.0 innings.

April 18th it was 54.01 in 1.1 innings.

So in 6.0 innings (give or take), he gave up 23 hits and 23 earned runs (plus 6 walks!).

Looks like everybod loves beating on Wang this year.

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Are you not getting enough Keeping Up With The Kardashians? Well producer Ryan Seacrest (just when you think you couldn’t possibly hate him more) is spinning off Kourtney and Khloe in Miami which will be just like the first show but with even more!

Keep making Seacrest rich, America.

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G’night!

Baby in this case is me. Holy God, I am in pain. Just took some ibuprofen, but it hurts when I walk, when I sit, when I lie down… I think a bath might help, so off I go with a fistful of unread graphic novels in tow.

Before I do, though, I thought I’d share this. I have have a weakness for graffiti that comments on graffiti. I don’t know why… maybe it’s because of all the time I spent in the 14th Street subway (when waiting for trains, the walls and their shredded billboards become fascinating).

B’also? Wouldn’t it be great if they were all this easy to identify?