I highly recommend calling Darlene. Larry is not gentle.

B’also? I was just introduced to Auto-Tune the News. Enjoy, Shorty.

I had no idea Katie Couric and Hillary Clinton had so much soul!

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The Yankees and Boston are tied for second in the AL East (inexplicably 2 games behind Toronto). By tomorrow morning, one of them will be in third place. Hooray for AM radio!

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Leno is “expected back to work on Monday” but we still dunno why he’s there. But if it’s trivial, then it’s trivial.

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We needed milk, so I went to the store and brought along my Walkman to listen to the biddies on The View yell at each other (And today’s first guest? Lil Wayne – whose new single sounds a lot like Auto-Tune the News). I turned it on and the first thing I heard was Rachel Ray scream to her audience “…and pile it into your taco!” I laughed all the way to market (despite lack of roast beef).

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I’m a little scattered today. The back is MUCH better (the doctor and I agreed that it was probably just a bad muscle but we still don’t have the results of the x-rays yet). I think I’ll keep doing what I’m doing over the weekend and if I still feel discomfort, I’ll see about getting an MRI or some such. Could be a slipped disc. Could just be the price of having such a badonkadonk keyster. I have a degree in theater. Everything I know about medicine I learned from Hugh Laurie, Jack Klugman and the fine men and women of St. Eligius.

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Poor Lil Wayne! Not only did he have to sing to Elizabeth Hasslebreath (I never spell her name right and I’m too lazy to Google the answer), but the gun charges he wanted thrown out are… not being thrown out. And it’s all thanks to Lil’s personal assistant, Terry Bourgeois (please let that be his birth name). See, Terry told the man that the reason Wayne’s tour bus reeked of pot is because he and some other guys were smoking pot in it. He even bragged about how great his weed was! “The stench on it is louder than normal weed,” he told prosecutors.

Methinks Lil needs a new assistant. And Terry might need to change his last name to Proliteriat.

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Science just called out religion! Not only did science clone a beagle, they made it GLOW IN THE MOTHERFUCKING DARK by splicing in some sea anemone genes! You heard me right! Science put on a fake beard and said unto you blasphemies that urinate in the soup of Nature! The end times come!

Apocalypto is almost here!

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Levi Johnston says that visiting his son, Tripp, has been “kind of an uncomfortable thing.” He told Larry King that he wants to “go and do the father thing with him and I can’t.”

Is Sarah Palin trying to break up this All-American/Aw-Shucks family?!?!

Levi has even threatened to go to a court and ask the judge for a piece of paper or whatnot what says he can do the father thing and there ain’t two ways about it, neither.

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You know the “Craigslist Killer”? He killed at least two women. They found the murder weapon (in his apartment in a hollowed-out copy of Gray’s Anatomy). They found the victims’ panties, which he kept as trophies. His fingerprints were on the plastic restraint around one victim’s wrists and also on a stairwell where he is suspected of trying to rob a stripper at gunpoint (not a euphemism).

But his fiancee says he’s innocent and their August 14th wedding (on the Jersey Shore) is still a go. In fact, the Post has Willie Forte (keyboardist of the B Street Band – a Springsteen cover band, natch – which is signed up for House Band duties) saying, “As of today, the wedding is still on.”

Thanks, Willie!

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The Bronx Zoo is closing four of its exhibits (The World of Darkness, The Rare Animal Range and exhibits for the Arabian oryx and blesbok (they’re antelopes). One of the hundreds of animals being shipped off to other zoos include the Night Monkey. Here is his description: A 21st-century Mr. Mom with an old-fashioned sense of loyalty — and a wicked talent for mimicry that makes him a natural entertainer and cheap first-alert system. Dedicated stay-at-home dad loves the old ladyand remains a mate for life.

This makes me want to write a play called ‘night, Monkey.

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On page 15, there’s a photo of 83-year-old Bette Calman doing a peacock pose. She’s a yoga instructor.

And I find this to be a more disturbing crime against Nature than the glowing cloned beagle.

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Page Six (on page 18 today) has learned (from… Courteney Love?!) that Pamela Anderson lives in a trailer park and she doesn’t own a credit card. Of course, the trailer park is in Malibu (a double-wide trailer will run you $325,000; really swank, um, trailers go for upwards of $1,200,000), but it’s still… weird.

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Did HBO ask Jessica Lange to put herself up for a Best Supporting Actress Emmy, so that Drew Barrymore could run alone for Best Actress (they both star in Grey Gardens – the movie based on the play based on the documentary)? The Post’s “source” says yes, but there’s a particular quote that struck me as funny: “Now we have a scenario where either Lange will go home empty-handed, or neither will win. It’s unfortunate.” Is HBO putting all of their eggs into one Barrymore?

Whycome Jessica can’t win, HBO? Too Jewish?

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George Harris exposed himself to a 44-year-old woman in Central Park on Tuesday afternoon. He then jumped on a bike and sped off while the woman flagged down a cop. The cop gave chase and finally took George down near Strawberry Fields.

Harris would later protest that his crime was “nothing to get hung about.”

(of the 26 Beatles jokes I came up with, this is my favorite)

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Mr. My Daughter Was In That Slumdog Movie Do I Hear $400,000? will NOT be facing any charges. The police questioned him, but when they went to the hotel where the reporters from News of the World were staying – THEY WERE NO LONGER THERE.

So, the police closed the case. Instead of, oh I dunno, calling News of the World?

Cross Mumbai off the list, Teresa.

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Bill O’Reilly explains that The New York Times is close to going out of business is that it is “most definitely a committed left-wing concern that is openly contemptuous of the conservative, traditional point of view. That is the primary reason the paper may soon dissolve.”

I find Bill to be fair, balanced, and so full of shit that the pores of his skin look like one of those rectangular butter packets that you stick a fork in and then press the sides of and the butter shoots out in 4 snake-like columns, except the butter is shit and there are billions of pores on his hateful body.

And not necessarily in that order.

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Pete Hammond (of Hollywood.com) calls Fighting “The real deal.”

I don’t know what that means.

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Yesterday’s paper had stories about: how the FDA is giving in to a judge’s ruling and allowing Plan B pills to be sold to 17-year-olds; Rove’s response to the possibility of him being prosecuted for Torturegate (“…[then] how can they place any limits on who they prosecute,” he blubbered sweatily); the two New Guinea tribesmen who are suing The New Yorker for defamation (to the tune of $10,000,000 – I’m serious!); how Apple finally removed the Baby Shaker application from their iPhone App Store (a baby cries until you shake your phone enough that you kill it – the App lasted 2 1/2 days); the new Hollywood horror remake, Piranha 3-D starring Richard Dreyfuss and Ving Rhames; the 17-year-old who was drugged and raped by a B-movie director in 2007 and how the rapist was just sentenced to five years in prison (despite his total lack of remorse in court!); how the guy who was knocked into a coma by that giant Serbian guy who skipped town has just woken up and he thinks he’s in a Star Trek episode (see photo below if’n you don’t believe me); how the NYPD claims hackers attempt to break into their systems 70,000 a day. And I was also going to write a very long response to something Archbishop Dolan said.

What he said made me think of the O.J. Simpson trial ([BJ and the] bear with me). Remember how everyone who thought he was guilty heard the verdict and thought “how could the jury hear all that forensic evidence and still acquit him”? Well, that’s just it. There was too much. People don’t like details anymore. Details are hard. Sound bites and icons are easy to swallow.

“The glove didn’t fit.”

“Well, he was wearing a plastic glove underneath…”

“The glove didn’t fit, so we gots to acquit.”

“Well, but also a glove soaked in blood would probably shrink…”

“Blah blah words blah. Did Marcia Clark talk in rhyme? No. Fuck her. I want to punch her in the tit/And the glove didn’t fit/So let’s acquit!”

“That is catchy!”

One of the jurors did a one-woman show about her experiences that really freaked me out (at one point, a juror complained “so what if they have O.J.’s DNA on the victims – I have the same blood type as my uncle!”). Science got smacked in the face during that trial. Complex evidence was given short shrift by an easily bored group of 12 people not smart enough to get out of jury duty. Yesterday, science was dealt an even worse blow.

“There’s an in-built code of right and wrong that’s embedded in the human DNA. Hard-wired into us is a dictionary, and the dictionary defines marriage as between one man, one woman for life, please God, leading to the procreation of human life. And if we begin to tamper with very definition of marriage, then we’re going to be in big trouble. We’re not anti-gay — we’re pro the most basic definition of marriage.”

That’s what Archbishop Dolan said.

1) In-built isn’t a word. Built-in is.

2) Are you saying that humans know right from wrong from birth? Whatever happened to free will, Timmy?

3) Are you also saying that we know certain definitions of words as being inherently true? Does that not sound as ridiculous to you as it does to me? That “marriage” is a guy and a gal (please God?) for pro-creative purposes only? And why is the guy in the penis hat and Liberace outfit telling people how to have loving relationships? Ain’t he celibate?

4) I wish I could find the photo from this article online I saved the page. Maybe I’ll upload it later. It looks like Dolan is administering fellatio to an ethereal prong.

5) You, man of God, are not allowed to say “DNA” ever again. I mean it. Your flock of believers (many of whom were relieved when O.J. was acquitted) will hear “DNA” and “definition of marriage” and think they are somehow related. That is your despicable intention and you should be ashamed of yourself.

6) You say you’re “pro the most basic definition of marriage” but you don’t seem to know what it is. The most basic fundamental definition of marriage (in my humble opinion) is love. Two people who love each other enough to want to spend every day and every night together for the rest of their lives. Not ([penis capable of reproducing] + [vagina capable of reproducing] = marriage). That’s the basic definition of the perpetuation of the human race. That’s the definition for humanity’s self-preservation. Marriage, if done right, is about letting two people in love share their love with their friends and relatives and, if one needs medical help, to be able to have their partner deal with it for them. Don’t you ever ever ever use science to explain how marriage is only for heterosexuals (with working junk).

7) Actually, if you look real close? You are anti-gay. Because that book about God that Man wrote might say its wrong.

Here’s coma boy.

I take nap. Night night!

P.S. – Orson Scott Card also hates the gays.

http://www.boxturtlebulletin.com/2009/04/21/10865