Good lord, what the Hell is going on outside? I think I got a sunburn from getting my paper; has Lex Luthor sent us hurtling towards the sun again? Whither Superman? I was considering starting a feature here wherein every Monday (or Tuesday, since I had the idea last night) I would go see the #1 movie in America (if it’s playing at the Pavilion). That meant that I would see Obsessed today (Stringer Bell cheats on Sasha Fierce with the schizo from Heroes? Hollywood is a magical place where dreams like this really do come true!). But I’m honestly not sure I can cross the street without bursting into flames (not a euphemism).

B’also? I’m making dinner early today because I’ve noticed a pattern: I finish writing between noon and 1:00, I do the odd chore/shopping and putz around online, answer emails and sitch and then it’s 5:30 and my day is gone. So, I’m going to do the cooking early, then throw it in the oven when the wife is almost home and voila!

Actually, reading that back makes it unclear to me how this will afford me any advantages time-wise (so you must be completely baffled), but I thought it was a good idea earlier, so I’ll stick to it.

Variety is the only spice of life I can use because my wife is allergic to pepper (not a euphemism).

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Sometimes living in Brooklyn (and doing laundry and grocery shopping while everyone else exchanges their services for payment) is a blessing.

Some of you may not know this, but I lived on 14th Street and 7th Avenue when I moved to NYC from Chicago (on September 2, 2001). My roommates and I watched the second tower fall from our roof. The National Guard made 14th Street the cut-off point for pedestrians (I had to show an armed soldier proof that I lived in the building across the street from where he stood in order to go home). Now, every time I see a plume of smoke in the sky, I do a double take. I don’t live in fear of another attack (I mean, I fear that it will happen, but I don’t allow that fear to alter my activities, as the terrorists will have then won, as distracting me from finding episodes of Hell’s Kitchen UK online is al Queda’s raison d’etre (that’s idiomatic French; it literally means artful raisin).

Had I still been living in the Chelsea/Village area, I might have seen what was going on yesterday and freaked out. Apparently, the White House decided to get a new photo of Air Force One for their website. So they decided to fly around NYC with another plane taking photos. But they didn’t let anyone else know they were doing this. Oh, the Air Force got permission to do it, but the NYPD and the Mayor’s office were told to keep the exercise quiet (because letting people know there was a photo op taking place 1,000′ OVER GROUND ZERO would have calmed civilians instead of freaking them out).

People in Jersey City started freaking out. People on the Verrazano Bridge did, too. Thousands of office workers (on both sides of the Hudson River) evacuated their buildings while the planes flew 500′ OVER THE STATUE OF LIBERTY. There’s a picture of Battery Park… it’s like the Blackout of ‘03 all over again.

I think, as penance, whoever came up with the photo idea should personally autograph an 8″ x 11 1/2″ photo of Air Force One for every citizen in the 5 boroughs. And New Jersey.

“To ______ -

What the fuck was I thinking, right?

Soooooo sorry.

Stupidly yours,

___________”

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The more I read about State Senate Majority Leader Malcolm Smith, the more I despise him.

Which I think is exactly what the Post wants me to do.

Sigh.

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Rutgers’ Old Queens turned 200 yesterday.

But they still can’t legally marry.

(that was for Bethany, who I just realized went to Fordham, not Rutgers)

(it’s a building… nevermind)

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A former U.S. ambassador to the Vatican (she spoke to the people that God speaks to – that’s one degree of separation!) has refused the University of Notre Dame’s top honor at commencement next month because the school let President Obama talk to its students and she doesn’t agree with his views on abortion and stem-cell research.

Mary Ann Glendon, you are today’s Queen Stupid! Take a bow!

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And speaking of stupid, heeeeeeeeere’s… Jayson Williams!

Yesterday, the guy who kinda almost got away with the murder of his chauffeur (he paid $2,750,000 to get away with wrongful death and was acquitted of aggravated manslaughter, but he faces retrial on the reckless manslaughter charge) trashed his room at the Embassy Suites in Battery Park City. A “female friend” (aka “not his estranged wife”) called cops at 4:02 a.m. and told them Jayson, who spells his name wrong, was “suicidal” and “violent.”

Cops showed up, Jayson was drunk and agitated and he refused to leave the room (it’s like he knew that AIr Force One was on its way!). They call for backup. The backup Tasered him.

Found in the room were empty drug bottles, sleeping pills and a suicide note. Is this a p.r. coup in the hopes of making the guy that shot his driver and tried to cover it up… worthy of sympathy?

Remember, Jayson, left to right gets you to the hospital. Up and down gets you to the morgue.

Or you could ask the cops to give you back your shotgun for a couple of minutes…

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Oy vey.

Yakov Litzman, Israel’s Deputy Health Minister, is mad at the term “swine flu” because he finds it offensive to Muslims and Jews. He wants to re-name it “Mexican flu.” But scientists (of unknown nationality) responded that “nothing about the virus makes it ‘Mexican’” and that the name might stigmatize Mexico and its citizens.

Then, Carlos Mencia burst through a brick wall and started riffing.

“This can’t be no ‘Mexican flu’ because the flu is working really hard to replicate itself and spread its message of virusicity, but you don’t see 400 swine flus packed into a ‘68 Impala, am I right?! If this flu was really a Mexican flu, it would have a sombrero and it would be taking a nap! And it would have one of those gigantic mustaches! And it would say ‘Si, senor’ in a really laconic way! And I own a baseball team and Who’s on first base! Am I right!?”

“No, you’re Bavarian/Honduran, Ned.”

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For the record, though, there are 29 confirmed cases in New York, 13 in California, 6 in Texas (which is why their ten-gallon hats are in their ten-gallon hands – see photo below), 2 in Kansas and 1 in Ohio. There are 5 suspected cases in New Jersey and over 150 suspected cases here in New York. Mexico lost 149 people to the flu with over 2,000 people infected there. Plus 6 in Canada and 2 in Scotland and 1 in Spain.

My heart goes out to everyone who is affected by this horrible epidemic. B’also?

Thanks, BOC!

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If you want the full story, you’ll have to find it. I’m out of things to throw while reading it, so I have to move on. But here’s what gleaned through creched teeth and balled fists:

Lockheed Martin is being asked to be released from its contract with the MTA. They claim that they were hired in 2005 (for $213,000,000) to install high-tech surveillance in every subway station (which would replace the station agents who were removed already). As the years went by, the MTA kept adding things to the contract, ballooning it to over $250,000,000. Lockheed Martin claims that the MTA’s sloth and stupidity have allowed roughly 300 of the many many thousands of security cameras be installed (it’s 4 years later, folks).

So Lockheed wants to get their personnel away from this project, as it is a money pit and the MTA keeps hemming, hawing, stalling and being detestable. They will be suing the MTA in a separate case to recover “damages.”

I never thought I’d be rooting for Lockheed Martin, but when a company asks a judge to break a contract because they’re being paid (a lot of money) to do nothing, that’s a refreshing change from business as usual.

Keeping in mind that the Post may be distorting the truth like a funhouse mirror that’s been left out in the sun.

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The President of Pakistan has announced that Osama Bin Laden is dead. Other Pakistani officials say that he isn’t.

All I know is I can’t wait for his next video! The last two were tight, son!

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Is Lawrence Taylor having his life turned into a movie?

Isn’t that what 1st and Ten was?

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There’s a photo in Page Six (on page 13 today) of Megan Fox (who people find attractive for some weird reason) on the set of her new movie, Jonah Hex!?!?!

Holy shit! This could be amazing. Jonah Hex is a gunfighter in the Old West who looks like Two-Face. He’s a loner, Dottie. A rebel.

Just as Marvel had an opportunity (three, actually) to make their can’t-miss Punisher movie (all three of which missed), DC will now get a shot at making an amazing Western with no super powers, no flying, no aliens or wizards – just gunfightin’ and plenty of it.

Please pull this off, DC. Please.

(checks IMDB)

Josh Brolin is Jonah Hex? Nice. John Malkovich, Will Arnett and Michael Shannon are in it, too? Even nicer. Thanks in advance, DC.

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Gee, this is fascinating, Page Six (on page 13). 75-year-old Shirley Jones os going to be on A&E’s The Cleaner, you say? And you also say that she will appear in the episode… topless?

Um… A&E edits out nudity from The Sopranos (and cursing and excessive violence, so you can watch an entire season while brushing your teeth). So… you mean she’ll have her back to the camera and one of the actors will do a comical “I’m looking at 75-year-old breasts!” double take? And this would appeal to anyone besides Marty Ingels… why?

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Today, Cindy Adams recalls her trip to Iguazu Falls in Argentina with Barbara Walters. This is where Teresa and I considered spending part of our honeymoon (until I insisted that after speed-planning a wedding and a move to Oregon, we both needed a vacation spinning plates of any kind – including catching the bus to the plane to the tour, etc).

Thank you, Cindy, for making it seem horrible and painful (I’m saving it for you, Teresa).

Now get in the box.

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CORRECTION (hidden between two sidebars and a giant ad for the Post on page 16):

“…a story in yesterday’s Post misattributed a quote explaining the cost of bread and butter at Company, in Chelsea, to restaurant spokeswoman Danielle Pagano, instead of to a waiter. Also, the menu listing is not in Italian.”

Also, you are the worst newspaper ever.

Ooh! Sudoku!

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Those were easy!

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Uh-oh. Hand over the crown, Mary Ann.

Remember Megan McAllister? She was the fiancee of the Craigslist Killer until her parents called off the wedding and she allegedly came to her senses… or did she?

No.

“To me and my family, he is a loving and caring person, and in the eyes of the law and the Constitution, he is innocent until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.”

This reminds me of one of my favorite Simpsons episodes – the one where Michael Keaton plays the convict that Marge seemingly helps to rehabilitate (she ultimately realizes that he isn’t misunderstood, he’s just evil) – which has one of Homer’s best exchanges.

Warden (pointing at a painting): “He drew a unicorn floating in outer space! I’m askin’ ya, what’s he breathing?”

Homer: “Air?”

Warden: “There’s no air in space!”

Homer: “There’s an air in space museum.”

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Wow, these Somalian pirates are starting to act like the folks in The Mouse That Roared. They just got beat by Yemen.

Yemen!

This marks the first-ever time that a Yemeni vessel has been re-taken by Yemen.

Yemen!

I hear that Yemen is one bad… (Shutchoh mouth!)

But I’m talkin’ about Yemen! (Then I can dig it.)

It’s a complicated place with the Gulf of Aden lapping at its coastline. (Yemen!)

Yemen… borders Oman.

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Did I mention that I enjoy my painkillers?

Because I do, President Hoover. I do.

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What I Think Of When I Think Of Canada

Part 17

“A Canadian cop in Saanich, BC, heard passionate sounds coming from a Dumpster — and found that a 30-year-old and her boyfriend, 28, had turned it into a love nest. The officer ordered the two to put on their clothes and leave.”

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Charles Hurt notes one of Obama’s major failures (thus far) has been that he “won’t acknowledge clearly that the United States remains at war against terror.”

I’m not sure that sentence could sound more ridiculous, but let’s see.

Charles Hurt notes one of Obama’s major failures (thus far) has been that he “won’t acknowledge clearly that the United States remains at war against shenanigans.”

Charles Hurt notes one of Obama’s major failures (thus far) has been that he “won’t acknowledge clearly that the United States remains at war against non-accidental malfeasance.”

Charles Hurt notes one of Obama’s major failures (thus far) has been that he “won’t acknowledge clearly that the United States remains at war against evil, especially when it is in the form of an axis.”

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In an editorial (more like edit-BORE-ial, am I right?), the Post blames yesterday’s airplane mishap squarely at the feet of… the FAA?

I did not see that coming.

Of course, the editorial (more like edit-SNORE-ial, huh? huh?) below it asks him to stop playing tricks on healthcare reform. I could try to find out what that means, but I like my brain.

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Boston is in first, we’re in third (and on a 4-game losing streak!).

And pitching tonight… Phil Hughes?!?!

Good Lord. Was there really a time when I was eager for the season to start?

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Barry Bonds showed up at AT&T Park last night and waved to fans, who cheered wildly.

It was Star Trek Night.

Therefore, I believe the fans simply mistook him for the gigantic-headed Black people of Nebucron-8.

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What did I tell you about A-Rod? Could you at least wait until there’s news? How many column inches does it take to say “everything’s pretty much the same as yesterday”?

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Obama’s press conference tomorrow will be shown and CBS, NBC, ABC and Fox.

Excuse me, did I say Fox? I meant Fox Business Network and Fox News Channel.

So all you God-fearing men and women can watch When Animals Fart On Babies or whatever crap Fox has on as a further showing of your disdain for the America “you didn’t sign up for.”

Jerks.

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Joan Rivers is going quietly into that good night. She will rage against the dying of the light, some blonde lady, people in Vegas with no last names (Cher? Charo? Siegfried and Roy?) and online poker players (who are worse than white trash, apparently.

Oh, and Melissa is also ugly and insane (uglily insane?) and needs to re-learn the do’s and don’ts of cast-wearing.

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Incidentally, is a “whore pit viper” a pit viper with whorish qualities or a viper that lives in a whore pit?

Time to cook some viggity-veal, yo!

Laters!