Archive for April 29th, 2009

WOLVERINE HOWLS

I stared at this headline (one of three today, along with a photo of Hugh Jackman’s off-putting facial hair), I tried to figure out whether Lou Lumenick liked or disliked it. If an audience “howls” then they are usually laughing uproariously. “Howls of laughter” is a phrase that many a critic has used to praise a comedy. But if you say that a movie (or play or book or opera) itself “howls” then isn’t that a bad thing? Like, “this movie is a dog” or “a real howler”?

Wolverine (excuse me, I meant X-Men Origins: Wolverine) is not a comedy (although I hear that the leaked workprint’s placeholders for the not-yet-finished CGI are pretty hilarious), so is howling a good thing? Maybe Lou needed a small word to squeeze next to Hugh and he could only use 5 letters. “Wolverine Bites” might have worked better (if he didn’t like it) or “Wolverine Kills/Rules/Rocks/Slays” (if he did).

We’ll know the answer when I get to page 39.

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B’also? The smallest of the three headlines was Twins for Sarah Jessica which confused me and threw everything I thought I knew about human reproduction into disarray (how does a closeted gay man get a horse pregnant with twins?). Then I turned to page 3 and everything was made clear. No, they didn’t adopt African babies (that is so 2004-2008) — they hired a surrogate! In Ohio! And they won’t tell anyone if the egg is Sarah’s or if the gay sperm is Matthew’s, but one thing’s for sure: the “tens of thousands” of dollars they’re paying the Ohioan (according to Star, which does slightly better fact-checking than the Post) is worth every penny if it will keep the farcical marriage between Matthew and Sarah chugging through Denial Canyon, then there’s hope we’ll see that Sex and the City sequel!

(crosses fingers, feeds Sarah oats)

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The third headline was about how the Yankees are cutting the prices of their most ridiculously expensive (and apparently unsellable) tickets in half. So instead of $2,500 to see A SINGLE BASEBALL GAME BY YOURSELF, it will now only cost you $1,250.

Additionally, 68 other seats are dropping from their original $1,000 to see A SINGLE BASEBALL GAME BY YOURSELF to just $650.

Stuff like this makes me sad, but then I look at the collage I made of Derek Jeter (the heart-shaped tableau is taped to our ceiling so he’s the last thing I see every night and the first thing I see every morning) and all is forgiven.

Go Yanks.

 

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Religious groups are calling Governor Paterson a bigot and accusing him of “Catholic baiting.”

However, this is because he told a group of gay-rights supporters in Albany that he attributed the opposition to same-sex marriage to religious “guilt,” and NOT because he took a long fishing line and hooked it into a prepubescent boy.

Which is far less interesting.

 

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Sex tapes of Carla Bruni and her former lover, Raphael Enthoven (which also happens to be the name of my favorite children’s book about the Holocaust)* have been stolen? Oh noes! Raphael claimed he kept all of the tapes (and photos) in his brother Julien’s apartment to keep them safe (and so Julien could furiously masturbate to them, one would assume). But Julien’s place got burglarized and the thieves (who went straight for the First Lady porn) now have Sarkozy in a state of panique (that’s French for “jittery nervousness and or fear”).

$5 says her albums (yeah, she sings, too!) sell more in next month than they have in the last year.

 

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*Too soon?

 

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The MTA told “at least 480 bus and subway workers” that their jobs are going away… unless Albany gives them lots of money.

How much do you need MTA? Would $250,000,000 do it? Great! Then build a time machine and stop yourselves from pissing it away on the Lockheed Martin Security System That Never Was. Then patent and sell the time machine for billions.

Then kill yourselves (but don’t do it by jumping on the tracks — you’ll live and sue yourself and win).

 

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Is Edgar Hernandez, 5, of La Gloria, Mexico the swine flu’s Patient Zero?

Probably not. But thanks for helping to obfuscate the facts, Post!

 

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The NYC Health Commissioner says there are “many hundreds” of students suspected of catching the swine flu in NYC.

Also, a woman in Brooklyn was hospitalized. Where in Brooklyn? Well, why would this tabloid tell me that? They need more space to blame Edgar and his border-jumping, job-stealing, tortilla-enjoying, no-hablo-Ingles-ing friends!

My BPF has asked Congress for $1,500,000,000 to help fight the possible epidemic. Which I assume was followed by a look directly at Texas’ senators and his adding, “Unless that’s just me throwing money away on my Marxist bullshit policies. Huh, Texas? Wanna fuck with me now? I can’t hear you. You WANT me to spend more money on this? Yeah. Thought so.”

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Charles “Begging To Be” Hurt is slowly becoming my favorite idiot at the Post (and in a paper that publishes Malkin, Morris, Smith and O’Reilly that is low praise indeed!). His “analysis” of the defection of Arlen Spector (who, lest we forget, ran as a Democrat in 1965) is the kind of intelligent dissection of a current event I’ve come to expect from a retarded squirrel. And my expectation were met in spades.

Benedict Arlen frees a mon$ter

Some highlights from this idiot’s don’t-think-piece:

“Everybody remembers how Carter, a one-time Georgia peanut farmer, fared in the White House with his little sweaters, stagflation and sweltering gas lines.”

Little sweaters? (in stereotype Italian, while waving one hand) Ats-a good analysis-a!

“For Specter, anything is for sale and everything is negotiable. It’s why he has thrived so well and for so long.”

As a Republican! You left out “as a Republican”!

“Republicans on Capitol Hill are wondering why with both chambers of Congress at his beck and call and the entire press corps in his back pocket, Obama needs Arlen Spector, too.”

1) They aren’t at his beck and call. 2) The press corps (which I’m pretty sure YOU BELONG TO, YOU INCREDIBLY STUPID TOOL) is not in his back pocket. 3) So you’re saying that, in your piece about how Specter’s defection gives the Dems the 60 votes they need to be filibuster-proof, not one Republican on Capitol Hill understands why Obama would welcome Specter (BACK) into the Democratic Party? 4) Choke on your own vomit as soon as humanly possible. 5) I’ll even mail you some vomit if you can’t figure out how to throw up by yourself. 6) In fact, I’m mailing you vomit as I type this. 7) And I will throw up and mail it to you every day until you successfully choke on it.

And in the article next to Chuck’s “analysis,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Republican-KY) calls Arlen’s move across the aisle a “threat to the country.”

1) How often do I get to type “Republican” and “Minority” and “KY” in the same sentence? 2) Fuck you, Mitch. 3) You’re getting some vomit, too.

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Susan Boyle! Has an agent! Who is shopping her life story to publishers! And asking for MILLIONS!

One publishing executive told Crain’s, “She has a story, but it’s a short story.”

Just in case the book never gets published, here’s the entire thing in one sentence:

“I’ve always been plain and dowdy and the butt of harsh criticisms, but once I went on the telly and sang really well on that show, everyone got really impressed and I got to be on the telly more!”

You’re welcome.

 

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Kirby Dick made a brilliant documentar a few years back called This Film Is Not Yet Rated. In it he examined (and ultimately revealed the “m(e)n (and women) behind the curtain” at) the MPAA and their arbitrary rating system.

Next up, gay politicians who hate on gays. The new film, Outrage, screened at the Tribeca festival and will be in theaters soon looks at the not-that-rare phenomenon of the politician who targets gays for years and winds up being outed as that which he despises. One such man, says Kirby, is Ed Koch.

You heard me. But Ed, God bless him, isn’t angry that Kirby claims he had “a well-established affair with a man [Dick Nathan] he subsequently ran out of town.” No, Ed’s beef is with Kirby’s assertion that “his record on AIDS and gay rights was virtually nonexistent.”

Methinks he doth protest too little.

And now, every time I close my eyes, I see Ed Koch thrusting into a man wearing only a studded leather mask, repeatedly asking him, “How’m I doin’?”

B’also? If they were allowed to gay-marry in the 70’s Ed’s partner could have been Dick Koch!

 

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Is NBC trying to perform the equivalent of burning down your restaurant in order to collect the insurance? Are new shows given out like the basketball draft? No? Then why the fuck are they making a series (not a special or an investigative report, but a series) based on the book Eat This, Not That?

Even worse? They describe it as a show that will “offer human drama while teaching viewers how they can eat their favorite foods and still lose weight.”

In case it never gets broadcast, here’s the entire series in one sentence:

“Eat less of the things you love and more of the things that are healthy for you.”

You’re welcome.

 

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ATTENTION FBI, CIA, AND ANY POSTAL EMPLOYEES THAT READ THIS BLOG:

I have no intention of mailing anyone vomit. It’s satire. Or parody. Whatever’s covered in the law books — that’s what I’m doing.

 

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BluhGOYuhvitch (nice lady) showed up at the NBC Universal Press Day in Pasadena (California) to hang out with his almost castmates on I’m A Celebrity… Doing Survivor Kind Of! (he stil thinks he has a shot at participating in the show).

And Stephen Baldwin (who a judge encouraged to leave the country) was wearing a button that read “LEGGO MY BLAGO.”

I forget — is he the one that hates porn and started a skateboard video company for teens that think Jesus is cool?

Or the one who got into a bunch of cocaine-related car wrecks?

 

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ForbesWoman will hit stands shortly. Will it contain the same hard-nosed business advice that Forbes provides for its male readers? Maybe. But all the Post mentions is their feature about avoiding “beauty minefields” like the “shrimp cocktail effect” which is when a lady’s toes hang over the front of her sandals.

Can a magazine go out of business before it gets published?

 

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Terence “Wipe Yout Butt My Way Or Get On That Highway” Howard said last week that Marvel made a “very, very bad choice” by replacing him with Don Cheadle in Iron Man 2: Mickey Rourke Is Russian For Some Reason.

14:57… 14:58… 14:59…

 

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Megan McAllister loves her fiancee so much, not even the panties of murdered women kept under the mattress she slept in with him will tear her apart from Philip “Most Episodes of The People’s Court Are Harder To Guess The Verdict of Than My Slam-Dunk See-You-In-40-Years Trial” Markoff.

I just hope he can get her pregnant before he goes away forever. I want that bloodline to continue.

 

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Jayson Williams’ wife’s lawyer (currently dealing with their divorce) called Jayson’s freakout the other day “exactly the type of behavior” that led her to sue him for divorce.

So, if it was a sympathy ploy, it blew up in Jayson’s face. Just like that shotgun blew up.

 

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Mr. T was called in for jury duty. He told a reporter at the courthouse, “I enjoy doing my civic duty. It’s not about the A-Team, it’s the J-Team — the jury team.”

Sadly, T was not chosen to sit on the jury (presumably because he kept yelling at the bailiff that he “wasn’t getting in no Goddamned jury box” until they gave him a glass of drugged milk and he passed out.

I love it when a joke comes together.

 

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Chris Gregory lives in Sheffield (that’s in England). He has no family in Ireland.

But after a brain operation, he awoke with a thick Irish accent. And for 30 minutes, that’s how he talked. He even sang “Danny Boy” to his wife!

I’m sure the British and Irish papers are having a field day making the “uh-oh, they took out too much”/”and that’s how they knew the operation was a success” jokes.

Silly Europe.

 

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Vomit Dicks (sorry, Ralph Peters) discusses The Obama Doctrine (dun dun duuuuun) and ends with this delightful prose:

“…Obama and his entourage excite orgasmic forgiveness among journalists. Which brings us to the Obama Doctrine’s final tenet: Our media sluts will portray defeat as victory.”

Holy fuck! Does everyone WHO WRITES FOR THIS “NEWSPAPER” really think they’re being rational when they accuse EVERYONE IN THE PRESS WHICH INCLUDES THEM of being “in Obama’s pocket” and “sluts”?

And, forgive me, Ralph, but isn’t portraying defeat as victory more of a W. thing? More of a you thing?

 

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Finally! Lou Lumenick says “HUGH GOTTA BELIEVE! ‘X-Men’ prequel is kickass kickoff to blockbuster season”

Oh! He loved it! And yet… three stars? For a kickass kickoff?

“It’s packed with non-stop action, has cutting-edge special effects and stunt work, terrific cinematography and beautiful locations, and is tautly directed by Gavin Hood.”

Sounds awesome! So… three stars? Really?

“Jackman is well-matched with Schreiber, who can sneer with the best of them and wears fangs well.”

Hold on. Are you being facetious? You’re complimenting an actor by saying he can growl and wear fangs?

You’ve been hanging around Kyle Smith too much, Lou. Please make a note of it.

 

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Former multi-millionaire Michael Vick just got a job offer from a football team. An arena football team.

The offer? One year at the league standard: $200 a week, $50 bonus for each win.

B’also? Vick has to donate $100,000 to a local humane society.

Hey, if he says no, I’ll do it! I’d make that money back in just… carry the 2… 500 weeks! And that’s assuming we never win! Which we won’t if I’m on the team! Everybody wins!

 

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Phil. Hughes.

Best start by any Yankee pitcher this year (including our 2 very rich starters and our former bullpen ace and dear old Andy). 11-0 over Detroit.

And we’re back at .500 (10-10).

Going to the game on Saturday (me + Dunford + new Yankee Stadium = many many bits).

Can’t wait.

 

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Remember when TRL went off the air? Me neither. But MTV is finally replacing it with The Alexa Chung Show! Which they say will be “similar to TRL.”

Awww. I thought they were going to actual broadcast whole music videos.

But if you have OCD, you’ll love it, as a Twitter scroll with run during the broadcasts so fans can Tweet reactions to the show LIVE!

Which is an awesome idea, unless you saw what people wrote on the TRL scroll. More grammarians committed suicide during TRL than any other show ever. In my mind, anyway.

In case MTV comes to their senses before it premieres, here’s the Tweet that will most often run across the bottom of the screen:

“Tilt your head and check this out: OGC – it’s Carson Daly beating off!!! LOL!!!!! -Jed, 34, Brooklyn”

You’re welcome.

 

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If you want to watch our nation’s President tonight when he delivers a Presidential Press Conference, tune into CBS, NBC, ABC, PBS, CNBC, CNN, FBN, FNC, MSNBC, or NY1.

FOX, however will be airing (and I find it nigh impossible to believe it’s a coincidence) an episode of…

Lie To Me

See you tomorrow!

Gotsta return to Dr. Awesome for more bloodwork. Between the Lidocaine patches and my glorious pills, my back is at roughly 90%, so everything’s comin’ up Milhouse!

But before I leave for my frustrating journey into Manhattan (during which time I can have no coffee, which would be my Kryptonite if Kryptonite was something Superman needed to ingest every morning in order to have super powers), I thought I’d share something my friend Scott posted in the wasteland that is the IRC Political Forum.

I miss me some Keith.

I shall eviscerate the Post upon my return. Happy hump day!