Archive for April 30th, 2009

Is House over for the season? I think it is. And while I am extremely uncomfortable with House becoming the original Firestorm (who was a teenager that became a superhero by merging with a professor who spoke to — and could only be seen by — him).

We were so glad when Amber left (YAYZ!). Then she returned as Wilson’s girlfriend (BOOZ!). Then she died (YAYZ!). Now she’s House’s subconscious, following him around and relegating House to the role of middleman (she solves the case, he translates for the team). If this is what Season 6 is going to be, we may move (see, because the show is called House… never mind).

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I escorted the lovely Teresa to work today, not because she was feeling ill (which is why I was her escort last week), but because she bent over to pick something up and wound up banging her head against the open bathroom mirror. She got a fairly sizeable gash (first one to make the joke gets a punch in the face — she’s my wife, yo) and feared concussion. So, off we went. She arrived safely and I made my way homeward.

When I do this, I am able to get started on my blog by circling stuff in the Post. When I do this, it works as a first draft of sorts. When I return to it (after coffee), I usually discard half the things I circled. If I read and blog in real time, the entries are more of a hodge-podge. I never re-read my entries once I finish (except for typos).

Why not? Well, for starters, it’s 12:00 and I have shit to do. And I haven’t even started. So, without further ado…

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Thousands of women in Kenya have vowed to go on a sex strike for an entire week, to show their opposition to their country’s current leadership.

They hope this will persuade Kenyan men to pressure the government to make peace and not bring the country to the chaotic mess it became last year.

By the way – Kenyan men are polygamous. So… if you’re Kenyan and you want to become our husband’s favorite… put out.

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Bloomberg says he’s going to raise sales tax in NYC. More than he said he would in January.

I think I’m just going to mail you a shopping list, Scott, and then you can mail me my groceries from NJ.

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Foxy Brown, who was accused of smashing a BlackBerry against the head of her Crown Heights neighbor (who took issue with the volume of her car radio), just had the case dismissed. The judge said that Foxy (nee Inga Marchand) was never served with legal papers.

The system works, people. I can’t stress that enough.

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The Yankees say those discounted tickets are selling well. But people who aren’t on the Yankee payroll disagree.

I’ll let you know if there’s a full house on Saturday.

(I’m going to sit next to Mougis and hold his hand the whole time so he doesn’t get scared)

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There’s a great photo on page 9 that shows an old(er) lady hauling giant boxes of clothing out of an SUV and into Sarah Jessica Parker Ed’s house. Isn’t that sweet? They have an old(er) lady to do everything for them! Celebrities living sham marriages… so like us.

The Post also mentions that SJPE and Ferris Bueller’s Gay (*cough*) are joining the ranks of other celebrities who have used surrogates including: Dennis Quaid, Angela Basset (it took me exactly 2.4 seconds to check that spelling – yes, it’s wrong) and Ricky Martin (well it was either get a surrogate or stop fucking men — what did you expect Ricky to do?).

I love this paper.

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On page 10, we have a photograph of Obama, Specter and Biden. Since it appears above Charles Hurt’s latest bucket of verbal diarrhea, I’ll credit him with the hilarious word and thought ballons that have been added.

SPECTER (in a word ballon): “I sold my principles for power.”

OBAMA (in a thought balloon): “You sure did — MY power!”

BIDEN (in a thought balloon): “I can’t believe Arlen fell for this!”

Hey, Post? Whatever you’re paying your D.C. Bureau Chief, stop payment. I mean, not only do these ridiculous add-ons have NOTHING to do with the story (Specter switched parties — BY HIS OWN VOLITION — and has made it clear that he isn’t an automatic vote for the Dems. Give the guy a chance to make good on his promises!).

And if you thought the photo was offensive, Chuck’s entire article is nothing more than a litany of gay innuendo about the three men. It begins:

“President Obama and Vice President Joe Biden pulled GOP defector Sen. Arlen Specter aboard the Democratic Love Train yesterday with a romantic White House welcome filled with tender memories of moonlit rides together between Washington and the City of Brotherly Love.”

As Rep. Foxx and so many of her colleagues keep reminding us, gays aren’t human. They are an aberration and if you want to insult someone, call them (or imply to millions of readers that they’re) gay.

Fall down a long flight of stairs, you waste of oxygen.

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Andrea “No Man Would Touch Me Because of My Inside and My Outside!” Peyser reminds us why she won some award that no one remembers the name of. She describes Tyra Banks’ testimony at the trial of Bradley Green in great detail, some of which are even correct.

(Tyra didn’t “pinch” her “fat ass” on TV, she “slapped” it)

And she didn’t note the oddness of Tyra’s statement that “I don’t fear, like, for my life. I fear my safety. I fear the safety of my staffers… I fear the safety of my family. I fear the safety of people in my vicinity.”

Really, Andrea? Tyra understands that the phrase is “fear… for my life.”

So she must mean that she isn’t afraid of losing her life; she’s afraid of her safety, her staffers’ safety, her family’s safety and the safety of the people around her.

That must be horrible to deal with every day.

Incidentally, Bradley faces up to (are you sitting down?) 90 days in the pokey.

The system = a well-oiled machine.

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Nanny Bloomberg wrote a poem in honor of Poetry in My Pocket Day (which I think was yesterday? The Post, surprise surprise, isn’t clear if it was yesterday or today). Here it is:

NYC SERVICE
By Mike Bloomberg

“Volunteer!” says our latest plan

Here’s how all New Yorkers can:

Read to kids

Mentor one

Help some seniors have some fun

Serve some soup

Or plant trees

Spend some time at food pantries

Coach a team

(Always nice)

Give some legal or tax advice

Learn to do CPR

Or…

Join the NYC Civic Corps

Help in any way, kind volunteers

You’ll receive New Yorkers’ cheers

But right now, to get the biggest thanks

Help the pitching on the Mets and Yanks

Better that it stayed in his pocket.

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51 confirmed swine flu victims in NY. The WHO has raised their alert to Phase 5, which they haven’t done since John Entwhistle died.

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“Finance counselors” at NYU are now calling the students they already accepted (and are receiving financial aid) to “make sure” that they understand how much money they still need in order to go there (it’s an estimated $54,441/year total). People who are the first in their family to go to college are also getting called.

Just you wait. In another year, schools are going to insist you pay the full four years up front with “no backsies.”

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James Kambewa! He’s 24! He’s a security guard! Where? The Post doesn’t say! Because it is a horrible paper! But anyway! He has never met his 3-year-old daughter, Mercy! Because he abandoned her and her mother! But the mother is dead! And Madonna wants Mercy! And James wants full custody! Why?

“I don’t think Madonna is a model mum. I have seen her in movies of her songs. She doesn’t portray good morals.”

Says the man who abandoned his daughter and the woman who birthed her. But I must admit – I want to start a band for no other reason that to title our video compilation “Movies of Our Songs.”

And when asked about Madonna’s relationship with Jesus Lite (sorry, Luz), James said, “That’s scandalous. How can a normal woman fall for a boy who can as well be her son? No, spare my Mercy that scandal.”

She ain’t your Mercy yet. Madonna goes back to court on Monday to appeal the judge’s decision to deny her Mercy (tee hee).

Mercy is damned is she do and damned if she don’t.

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Do we even need to go through the motions of a gubernatorial election in NYC?

Andy “When Do I Get Sworn In?” Cuomo announced that New York (the state) got back $263,000,000 from prosecuting Medicaid fraud. That’s more than twice the 2007 numbers.

Start measuring the curtains, Andy.

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Now the MTA (who I despise; have I mentioned that before?) has announced that IN ADDITION to the fare hikes AND the mass layoffs AND the elimination of two entire subway lines and over 20 bus lines AND another fare hike in a year or two, they will also (more than likely, which I take to mean definitely) stop operating on a 24-hour schedule.

Bikes, people. Buy bikes.

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Ed Solomon, 71, decided to act out one of my favorite movies as a kid. Unfortunately for him, he chose Going In Style.

He robbed a Peekskill bank of $5,900 while wearing Groucho Glasses as a disguise. Then he drove away in his Lexus SUV (silly Ed – you were supposed to take a gypsy cab!).

But Ed ‘fessed up and pled guilty. He’s expected to recieive time served and probation.

Finally! A story where the system actually DOES work!

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Chris “I Made Rihanna Black & Blue” Brown hired Mark Geragos as his attorney (remember him?).

Geragos is attempting to use the photo of Rihanna (and its illegal leak to the press) as grounds for a total dismissal of the charges.

Good luck with that, Mark and Chris!

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Page Six (today on page 20) tells us that Sean Penn filed for legal separation last Friday from his long-suffering not-thanked-at-the-Oscars wife, Robin Wright Penn.

I guess it wasn’t true love. Good luck finding someone less smarmy/crazy this time, Buttercup.

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Does Paula Abdul get fooled by Bruno in Bruno?

Yes.

Does Paula Abdul get fooled by inanimate objects in her kitchen?

Yes.

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Someone told Cindy Adams that Ed Westwick (he’s on Gossip Girl – THANKS, POST!) has gained weight! And the costume department is scrambling to re-do his clothes!

I should call Cindy and tell her about TV’s Rich Sommer, who has delayed production of Season 3 of Mad Men due to his McDonald’s addiction.

I should also call Cindy Adams a stupid antique and help her into the box.

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The estate of Brian Shean is suing Brian’s father for negligence. Brian’s wife says she’s suing her father-in-law to get mone for Brian’s child.

Brian died pushing his father out of the path of a falling tree.

I want to film all of this family’s holiday dinners.

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Oh! This editorial about how we shouldn’t worry about the swine flu (unless you get it — then worry A LOT) reminds me of the two Japanese women I saw at the 34th St. subway station. I had mistakenly gotten on a B at 79th St. and realized my error too late. So instead of getting out at 42nd and getting coffee there, I hopped out at 34th. When I returned, sipping my coffee and slowly awakening, I noticed two Japanese ladies holding scarves over their mouths. For some reason, I found this hilarious. No one else was wearing a mask. Just them.

And me being me, I sat down on the bench with them. And I coughed — not very hard and only twice. And they both jumped up and power walked away. Three people saw this and all three of them laughed. I started to feel a little guilty, but (for some unknown and totes bizarre reason), the wound up in the same car as me and as soon as they sat down? They put down their scarves.

So… they were worried about contracting swine flu by being exposed to the air in the pornographically huge subway station beneath Macy’s, but once they were in a sealed tube with 40 strangers, they were safe?

Silly Japan.

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Starbucks says their second-quarter profits are down 77%.

But that’s like a multiplex saying their concessions sales are down 77%. When you mark up a cup of coffee by 9000%, you can take a few hits here and there. Likewise, if The Pavilion wants to charge me $6.50 for a bag of their delicious popped kernels… I think I have to see Obsessed today.

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David Hyde Pierce currently appears in the play Accent on Youth. His character’s name is Steven Gaye.

Yes he is.

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Robinson Cano has a 15-game hitting streak. And Swisher hit two homers last night. We are, once again, over .500. But it looks like Melky is replacing Brett in center. I’ll miss Gardner. Unless Melky does a better job.

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Kate Gosselin will be signing copies of the book she and her husband Jon wrote, Multiple Bles8ings and the book she wrote all by herself, Eight Little Faces, at the Barnes and Noble at Warren and Greenwich on Tuesday. Feel free to ask her about the footage of her husband cheating on her that has just been released. I bet she has some great answers already planned.

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I truly hope that everyone who complained about Obama being on Leno will be equally vocal about political footnote Sarah Palin appearing on (where else?) American Chopper. Tonight!

Will I avoid it? You betcha!

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OK. Movie in less than an hour. Do some dishes, answer some mail, have a popped corn lunch… ‘ats-a good Thursday!

…would that be a hate crime? I ask because I hate her very much. And if you watch this video, you will, too.

Can’t wait to see this get spun. And for Rep. Foxx to lose her job (if not her ability to speak).

More to come…