Archive for April, 2009

You say that Jed spent the morning escorting Teresa to work and then grocery shopping? Then he saw Fast & Furious? Then he fell asleep in a seated position? Then a phone call woke him up? And now he’s scrambling to make dinner?

Oh, computer made of butterflies. You say the silliest things.

These are excellent painkillers.

Tomorrow we should be square. No need to shop, no free movies being offered. Hell, I might even get around to answering my emails!

And Mandy? If that story is true, I want to sue me for sexual harassment. Will you be a character witness?

One of the Street Fighter video games (I couldn’t tell them apart if you put a gun to my head) had one of the characters say something when he performed one of his special moves. From the first time I heard it in college, I was convinced he was saying, “Oooooooooh NOUGAT!”

When I was a coach at IO, the team I was given (not supposed to last a full schedule, lasted for two years… just like Genealogy!) was trying to come up with a name for themselves. I had read a story earlier that day about a man who was fired for using racial slurs against a co-worker (he referred to the co-worker as “niggardly” — which was neither racist nor incorrect) and suggested “The Niggards” (they hated it but I’m sure they thought Chappelle was a genius when he removed the d years later… jerks). I honestly don’t remember who came up with the name “Nougat” but everyone liked it. And I liked it so much that when I gave them notes, I assigned each performance a slightly-altered popular movie title (A River Runs Nougat, Scary Nougat, Nougat - you know, instead of Roots?) at no extra charge.

I miss those guys, but I’ve found a couple on the FB and oe of them posted this gem earlier today:

I don’t know (or care to know) what the context of that is. Is the floor around him littered with corpses? After he turns off the camera, does he eat a baby? Is he the guy that the Hookers At The Point were referring to when they spoke of Mr. “I’ll pay you $100 for every nail you drive into my penis”?

Best not to think on it too long/at all.

But a big thanks to Mandy Price for robbing me (and now all of you!) of future sleep. Much love, sis.

[Oh, Mandy! (insert easy Manilow joke here) You know Keri Russell just voiced Wonder Woman in a straight-to-DVD animated movie, currently on sale at whatever retail chains are still around in Chicago, right? You probably own it. And worship it. And sacrifice in its name.]

Anyhoodles, I’ve just returned from Lenox Hill where I was x-rayed (following a physical by my new incredible doctor). Soon I will go to the pharmacy and get things to go in my belly and then hurties go away. Which will be nice. But I also need to start dinner. So. I hope you enjoyed today’s abbreviated entry.

I have no plans to leave the house tomorrow, so maybe I’ll double up.

(Guess who a judge just decided can’t go to Costa Rica to be on the TV…)

G’night!

If there wasn’t so much incredible material in today’s paper, I’d be cooking dinner by now. But, after my bath (which offered NO RELIEF!), a walk in the park (it HURT!) and a bus ride to and from the supermarket (which surprisingly felt GOOD on my back!), I read my paper and laughed and laughed. I will now discuss it.

Will you laugh and laugh?

Let’s find out together.

How much of a chance does Paterson have at maintaining his current job after the next election?

When asked who their favorite governor was (out of the last 4), New Yorkers gave Cuomo (the elder) 39%, Pataki (who actually thinks he might one day be POTUS… ha!) 33% and Spitzer 14%. That leaves 14% for Magoo, right?

Oh, wait! I’m reading the Post! So Paterson got 8%. The other 6%? No idea. The Post doesn’t say.

Nevertheless, David Paterson shan’t ever be elected governor of New York.

Oh, Newt Gingrich. Even your soundbites are wrong.

Now the guy who divorced his hospitalized wife via fax (and continues to campaign on his awesometastic morals) is blaming Obama’s shaking of Hugo Chavez’s hand with the sudden popularity of Chavez’s book here in the U.S.

Except the book that’s popular here is the one that Chavez gave Obama – Open Veins of Latin America: Five Centuries of athe Pillage of a Continent. Which Chavez didn’t write; it was written by Eduardo Galeano. And Gingrich would know that if he could somehow unstuff his head from his ass (I found it on Amazon in 3.8 seconds, even though I didn’t know the title or author).

The Post is ragging on Obama because he is trimming $100,000,000 from his Cabinet’s budget. They say that that’s way too little.

If you trudge through the smug “that’s the equivalent of a family earning $50,000 a year slashing costs by all of $1.35″ bullshit and make it to the tenth paragraph, Obama explains that he’s trimming “$100,000,000 there, $100,000,000 here…” but that’s not as good a headline as “Oh, yeah, this’ll really help: Bam orders Cabinet to cut spending by whopping … 0.0027 percent!”

To paraphrase Rod Stewart, have I told you lately how I loathe you, Post?

Further displaying their journalistic competence, the Post reports that a drunken guest at a wedding in Queens announced that she was having an affair with the groom. She allegedly called the groom the next day and said, “You’re life must be a living hell right now.”

Really, Post? Not “Your life…”?

Great job!

Thank you, Brian.

Have you ever gone on a family trip to the Four Corners? And did you are do the “I’m standing in four states at the same time!” thing?

Well I hope you saved your receipts.

Officials from the National Geodetic Survey announced recently that the Four Corners marker is 2.5 miles west of where it should be.

Thanks for destroying all your childhood memories, NGS!

I wonder if the Post will be the only media outlet that decries the captured Somalian pirate’s smiling as he was paraded in front of photographers (one of which was a Post photo, which is how they got the photo of the smiling).

My irony meter is stuck on “oxymoron.”

File this under “sexual fetishes that I never knew existed but now that I know I will never be able to erase it from my brain.”

You’ve been warned.

The Supreme Court is hearing arguments on whether or not the First Amendment guarantees a person’s right to sell tapes of dogfights and… crush videos.

“Jed,” I hear you plaintively ask out of a seeming obligation, “what is a crush video?”

It’s when a woman crushes a small animal to death, usually with her bare feet or high heels.

(I didn’t go to no fancy lawyering school, but I’m gonna have to guess that freedom of speech was not intended to protect the weirdo pervs who like to masturbate to the smooshing of gerbils and the tearing apart of pit bulls. But, then, I’m silly.)

I’m glad this is what the Supreme Court is hearing. At least it isn’t a waste of time and resources and tax dollars and I can’t stop trying to imagine any shred of sex appeal in a crush video. This will keep me awake all night. Thanks, Post.

Eliot Spitzer took one of his daughters to see State of Play last Friday.

Everyone who knows what State of Play is about and why that might be a horribly uncomfortable evening for father and child, raise your hand. Excellent. Everyone else, use the Google.

OK. I wasn’t going to use this blog to beg for money, but times are hard and we have a lot of… well, I won’t bore you with the details. Suffice it to say, we need at least $13,500 ASAP. Well, we don’t; I do.

Charitybuzz.com is auctioning off a prize that is tailor-made for me. If I win this prize, I will have completed my mission on Earth.

Bidding for “lunch with Rosie O’Donnell and Star Jones” ends today, so you’ll have to teleport me the money or send it back in time.

I thank you all in advance for whatever you can give.

Bill O’Reilly’s next book will be about Barack Obama.

Cindy Adams says he has offers from 19 publishers for the book… and it isn’t even written yet! LOL!

You know what I say? I say that, 15 years ago, if an agent wanted to get his client a better offer for their book/film/script/whatever, they’d call Cindy Adams or Liz Smith and they’d drop some item in their vapid stream-of-consciousness column about how the thing is a “hot property” and then the executive’s assistant’s assistant brings in Page Six (today on page 10) and says, “You’d better up the offer! Everyone wants a piece!” and the agent earned his 10% and everyone was happy.

But when I read something like the above today? It smacks of egotism (Bill doesn’t want to sell the book once it’s written – he must know what a horrible writer he is!). Just write your shitty book, Bill. Millions will buy it, hundreds will try to read it, life will go on.

Until… Apocalypto!

A Jewish student group from France crashed a conference in Geneva and threw clown noses at Iranian nutjob Ahmadinejad to convey “the masquerade that this conference represents.”

That’s so sad: the Jewish part of them (wit, humor) has been overwhelmed by the French part (smug, confusing).

Over 1,500 Con Ed customers in Beechhurst, Queens were without power recently because of Quaker parrots nesting in power lines. There’s a photo of the parrot nests. They’re kind of hard to not notice. You can see them from very far away.

But then, Con Ed isn’t that bright. No pun intended.

Were you wondering “whatever happened to the guy who played the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld?”

Probably not (unless he’s a relative or you’re the guy who played the Soup Nazi), but the Post informs me that he has a gig now selling… well, that would be telling. Click the link and see for yourself!

(hint: if you wait until the end, he screams “no pine for you!” and you can see the shame in his eyes.)

There’s a follow-up to yesterday’s child-from-Slumdog Millionaire-auction story, but it’s just the father blaming his neighbor and silly bullshit that just regurgitates everything I already told you.

Except for the last two sentences.

“Selling children is punishable by up to two years under Indian law. But aid groups say the practice runs unchecked in poor neighborhoods.”

Good to see we aren’t the only country that doesn’t care about its children.

Ralph Peters ends his latest diatribe against Obama with “Whose president is he?”

Are you an American, Ralph? Because, if you are, then he’s YOUR president. How can someone that claims to be Fox News’ “strategic analyst” (there goes my irony meter again!) be so stupid (or did I just answer my own question)?

It just goes to show that if you eat enough dick, you’ll eventually ralph peters.

Someone wrote in to criticize Gov. Paterson for proposing a gay-marriage bill the day after Tim Dolan’s installation as Roman Catholic Superman (or whatever his silly new title is). The author’s name?

Robert Gentile.

Only in New York, kiddies. Only in *mmfn*

(and that’s when I put the pillowcase over Cindy’s head and watch her legs kick… and then… I wake up)

Hasbro says their first-quarter profit has dropped 47%. Apparently, people aren’t buying as many toys due to the current state of the economy.

Gee… I wonder if people will keep buying ToyFare…

Haven’t heard a note but I have to buy the album.

Tinted Windows is: Bun E. Carlos on drums. James Iha on guitar. Adam Schlesinger on bass. Taylor Hanson on vocals.

They’re on Letterman tonight, Fallon on Thursday. Unless the song is horrible and they sound horrendous, I think I’ve found my 2009 summer album.

Win a trip to Costa Rica! Holy crap! I love Costa Rica! My wife loves Costa Rica! I’m totally going to enter this New York Post Sweepstakes!

Let’s see… name… address… phone… e-mail… done! All I have to do is send this in by… April 20,2009. That must be a typo. Over here it says… 4/20/09.

You miserable bastards. You published an entry form for a contest no one can enter any longer.

If I hadn’t already won a 2-week cruise from you… (shakes fist)

The Yankees are 7-6. Boston is 7-6. The Mets are 6-6.

I loves me some baseball.

What I don’t love is that every day, I read that A-Rod is thinking about coming back sooner than expected. Every day. This reminds me of what I said about Bill O’Reilly’s new book. Just fucking heal, Alex. Then you’ll come back and be paid tons of money to sleep in in October. OK?

B’also? Here’s a breakdown on Wang’s ERA:

April 8th it was 17.18 after 3.2 innings.

April 13th it was 72.00 in 1.0 innings.

April 18th it was 54.01 in 1.1 innings.

So in 6.0 innings (give or take), he gave up 23 hits and 23 earned runs (plus 6 walks!).

Looks like everybod loves beating on Wang this year.

Are you not getting enough Keeping Up With The Kardashians? Well producer Ryan Seacrest (just when you think you couldn’t possibly hate him more) is spinning off Kourtney and Khloe in Miami which will be just like the first show but with even more!

Keep making Seacrest rich, America.

Baby in this case is me. Holy God, I am in pain. Just took some ibuprofen, but it hurts when I walk, when I sit, when I lie down… I think a bath might help, so off I go with a fistful of unread graphic novels in tow.

Before I do, though, I thought I’d share this. I have have a weakness for graffiti that comments on graffiti. I don’t know why… maybe it’s because of all the time I spent in the 14th Street subway (when waiting for trains, the walls and their shredded billboards become fascinating).

B’also? Wouldn’t it be great if they were all this easy to identify?

Why is it that all of my spam mail has typographical errors (spelling and grammar)? Is penis that hard to spell? And if your company is trying to trick me into thinking that I am getting an email from an old friend who’s been “thinking about te old times,” wouldn’t it be wise to not send me the same email (with same opening typo) twelve times? When I open my spam folder, I see a dozen of these and, naturally I find the coincidence so astonishing, I have to reply to all of them! Oh, spam folder. How I adore you.

My Mafia Wars mafia is strong like ox! Not only did sweetie-pie Gus Richter and sexy-pants John Bolger join up, but none other than Gotham Underground writer Frank Tieri! Ha! I’m building Mega Casinos like they’re going out of style!

Here’s a headline that’s guaranteed to depress everyone that reads it (skip ahead, Teresa).

The father of the 9-year-old girl who played Latika in Slumdog Millionaire (Rubina Ali) put her up for sale. For 200,000 pounds ($296,000).

According to reporters, a Middle Eastern family inquired about adopting the child (not knowing if she had a family) which caused the father to think that there might be a market for the sale of his daughter. Thankfully, the people he tried to sell her to were undercover reporters for The News of the World. They offered him 50,000 pounds but he (and his brother who at one point proclaimed, “This is not an ordinary child. This is an Oscar child.”) managed to get them to quadruple their fake offer .

When Rubina’s biological mother found out, she attacked Rubina’s stepmother in front of the father’s house. No charges have been filed yet (I guess India cares about their kids almost as much as we do).

But I had no idea they had telenovelas in India!

I have decided that, due to my incredibly sore back (I pulled it somehow a couple of days ago), I am going to treat myself to a movie today. Since my SAG card is prohibiting me from doing the only available extra work I’ve been offered, I think I deserve to use it to take in a movie (or 4,000). But what shall I see today?

17 Again: why would I want to see 18 Again again – with Matthew Perry replacing George Burns?

Duplicity: meh.

Observe & Report: want to see it with Teresa/the DVD will probably be even funnier.

I Love You, Man: see above.

Monsters vs. Aliens 3-D: I have to pay for 3-D movies. So… no.

Dragonball: Evolution: I know nothing about the franchise. I would like to keep it that way, if at all possible.

Hannah Montana: The Movie: even without my sex-offender mustache, I just couldn’t.

That leaves Fast & Furious and Crank 2.

Here’s how I shall decide. Ever see the movie Let It Ride? Great, great movie. One of the best lesser-known comedies of the 80’s (90’s?). Richard Dreyfuss is a compulsive gambler who gets a hot streak at the track one day and keeps letting it ride. At one point, when he can’t decide what horse to bet on, he asks his friends and complete strangers who they like. Then he bets the one horse on one picked. He wins.

The top 5 movies this weekend were 17 Again, State of Play, Monsters vs. Aliens, Hannah Montana and Fast & Furious.

Crank 2 only grossed $6,500,000, coming in 6th place. Ergo, most Americans haven’t and won’t see it in the theaters. I’m putting my faith in the nation’s taste being off. Wish me luck.

Yet still another article about Susan Boyle. This time it’s her possible duet with Elaine Paige.

BUT YOU CANNOT KEEP WRITING ARTICLES — AND IT’S NOT JUST THE NYP DOING IT — ABOUT HOW EMPOWERING THIS WOMAN IS TO THE BILLIONS OF NON-SUPERMODEL-ESQUE GIRLS IN THE WORLD IF YOU CAPTION HER PHOTO “FRUMPY SONGBIRD.”

Actual final sentence of the article: “‘She is a role model for everyone who has a dream,’ Paige said.”

Left on the cutting room floor: “‘Assuming,’ Paige continued, ‘that everyone dreams of being called that unfuckable eyesore with the pretty voice what was on the comp-u-telly.*’”

*I’m not 100% sure what Brits call a computer, but I’m pretty sure it’s comp-u-telly.

Who do I root for?

Senate Republicans who have refused to back the MTA bailout plans (and that would be… ALL OF THEM) will now reap the rewards thanks to our incredibly horrible political system. See, to sway them to chage their minds, the Democrats will now perform a mating dance often referred to as “ADDING PORK TO THE BARREL.”

Try and wrap your heads around this’un.

The Republicans are holding their collective breath, so the Democrats will try and bribe them (give me a better word, if one exists) by adding lots of pork that would benefit their pet projects (there is currently AT LEAST $85,000,000 in earmarks that the Senate hasn’t yet allocated). If the Republicans acquiesce, they look like hypocrites. If they don’t, they get to tell their constituents that the Democrats wanted to give them money and they said thanks, but no thanks.

B’also? If the Republicans agree to stop blocking the bailout, I may still have a bus to ride on this summer. If they don’t, I won’t.

Who do I root for?

Rudy 9iu11ani is blasting Governor Paterson’s support of gay marriage. And, in case you were wondering, “do any Republicans favor gay marriage?” Rudy sets the record straight.

“I think gay marriage will obviously be an issue for any Republican next year because Republicans are either in favor of the position I’m in favor of – civil unions – or in many cases Republicans don’t even favor civil unions.”

This would make the Log Cabin Republicans furious, if any of them wanted gay marriage. Which, apparently, none of them do.

Also, 9iu11ani has been married three times. One of those times was to his COUSIN. And he has the audacity to talk about the sanctity of marriage? What a lisping cousin-fucking jerk.

BONUS FAIL: When Rudy split from his wife (Donna Hanover), he moved in with Mark Hsaio and Howard Koeppel for 6 months. Mark and Howard are going to Connecticut next month to get married. Maybe if you guys weren’t such Nazis about who emptied the Brita pitcher without refilling it, New York would have gay marriage by now, guys. Take a bow. And tie it in your hair! Pretty pretty princess!

According to the paper of cassingle (I can’t call the Post the paper of record without my fingers laughing uncontrollably), health insurance in NYC is now more expensive than a two-bedroom apartment in the Financial District.

Tell me again how the system isn’t broken, Fox News.

How bad is our economy? In 2006, Corporate America made $785,000,000,000 in profits. In 2008, it made $98,900,000,000. That may not look that bad (almost 100 billion is nothing to sneeze at), that’s a drop of 87%. Biggest drop in the history of the Fortune 500 list (which is who told me this).

Wal-Mart ranked 2nd (they placed 1st in six of the last seven years) with $405,600,000,000 in revenue behind Exxon-Mobil who had $442,850,000,000.

Stop. Reread the last two paragraphs.

Corporate America (as a whole) made less than $100,000,000,000 in total. But Wal-Mart brought in over 4 times that amount and still missed 1st place by almost $40,000,000,000?

Explain to me again why that financial judgement against Exxon-Mobil was so drastically reduced.

Despite none being there at the time, Madonna is now blaming paparazzi for her recent equine accident.

But now that she’s divorced from Guy, is she doing it in a horrible English accent?

Jackie Chan just made billions of enemies. While discussing democracy vs. authoritarian rule in China, the 55-year-old who has made a dozen Hollywood movies but still speaks English like the waiters in A Christmas Story said, “I’m not sure if it’s good to have freedom or not. I’m gradually beginning to feel that we Chinese need to be controlled. If we’re not being controlled, we’ll just do what we want.”

Some people say that he should be ashamed to say that about his fellow Chinese citizens, while others agree that the Chinese will wander aimlessly unless they are yelled at and told who to be and what to do with their lives. I think Jackie was just trying to shirk responsibility for being in the Karate Kid remake (currently in pre-production!).

Now that some of the Hamptons’ wealthiest aren’t all that wealthy anymore, work on mansions has slowed. And all those Hispanic day laborers that used to have jobs are now living in the woods in crude makeshift campsites.

This is like a horror story told by a WASP.

“And that’s when Sally noticed the shoes on her boyfriend’s feet… were white!”

(the story took place after Labor Day and the corpse of the boyfriend was hanging from a tree branch directly above the car Sally was in)

I love Richard Jenkins. Great actor. And I haven’t read Eat, Pray, Love, but apparently Richard has been cast in the Julia Roberts-starring film version as “a sensual Brazilian.”

I… can actually see him pulling this off.

Michael Lewis noticed his daughter’s teacher always laughed at him whenever he dropped her off at school. So he asked his wife, (the) Tabitha Soren, why that was. He was told that their daughter loved to run around the classroom screaming, “Daddy has a small penis!”

And also, you’re married to Tabitha Soren.

B’also? I’d prefer the teacher call the police, rather than laugh at the guy’s tiny penis.

In Houston, Chanton Jenkins, 32, tried to use his cell phone while driving drunk. His car went into a ditch. Five children were killed.

Moral of the story?

Let. Texas. Secede.

Gov. Paterson related a chat he had with then-President Bush shortly after replacing Spitzer.

“The president asked me, ‘So, have you adjusted yet to living in the Governor’s Mansion?’ I said, ‘Not yet. The other night I couldn’t find the bathroom.’ And the president said, ‘Hey, we Texans say that’s what we got kitty litter for.’”

Let. Texas. Secede.

There’s a picture on 21 that shows a 2-inch (give or take) head from a statue. The caption says it “resembles” Marc Anthony. It is missing the nose and looks like every other Greco-Roman statue head I have ever seen.

And it has better skin than Mr. J.Lo.

Wang’s ERA is now 34.50. He “might” be skipped in the rotation (he was gonna pitch against… Boston).

Tonight, ol’ reliable Andy Pettitte takes the mound. Last night’s win (against Pavano!) made us 7-6.

(crosses fingers)

Remember when I asked who else NBC is courting for I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!?

Careful what you ask for.

Heidi and Spencer from The Hills! Sanjaya from American Idol! And they’re hoping to soon confirm Geraldo Rivera and Dog the Bounty Hunter!

WHO THE FUCK WOULD WATCH THIS?

Off to see Crank 2: Electric Boogaloo! Ciao!

Press play and then turn around. Listen to the song (3:09) all the way through. Then turn back around and press play again.

The song itself is a pleasant enough instrumental, but the way it sounds and the way it’s produced… I just think the visual is more powerful if you’ve heard it before you see it performed.

Thanks, Lori!

More to come…

Today’s front page features a photo of Hideki Matsui at the plate, bat in hands, making a silly face. The headline is STINKEES! and refers to the 22-4 loss they recorded yesterday against the Indians. That’s most of the front page. But at the top is the second cover story (this one with EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS!): Madonna bucked by horse in Hamptons.

But a quick trip to page 3 reveals that, sadly, this is not a euphemism; she was thrown while riding a horse (in a non-sexual way). She suffered only minor bruises (and not a one to her ego). If only she had moved to Malawi, this never would have happened.

During his bid for the presidency in 2004 (and today, with Obama in the White House, it seems no less ridiculous), The Fat Reverend Al Sharpton and his National Action Network broke so many federal election rules (like the magical $65,000 that helped pay his AmEx bill and has no known point of origin) that he has to fork over $285,000 to the FEC.

He also has to forfeit all of his Mabel King necklaces.

(I’m still offering $5 in cash for photographic proof that Al Sharpton and Mabel King are two different people)

Hundreds of FDNY medics (721 to be exact) took the lieutenant exam in 2008. Guess how many passed.

Are there three digits in your answer? Then you’re wrong.

Are there two digits in your answer? Still way off.

Eight. Out of 721, eight passed.

When the test was given in 2004, 1,044 took it and 409 passed. That’s a 39% pass rate.

Compared to 2008’s 1.1% (NB: THERE IS A DECIMAL POINT BETWEEN THE TWO ONES).

Chien-Ming Wang’s ERA is now 34.50.

Yesterday, he was replaced by Anthony Claggett (making his MLB debut!) who now has an ERA of 43.20.

All of a sudden, Swisher is looking like pitching material (still kidding, I think).

Seven Somali pirates have been captured by… the Dutch?!?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The Upper East Side’s Rob Ryder, 38, owns four dogs. His neighbors say they bark way too much (non-stop, all day long) and Ryder has been fined three times for noise violations and the judge said the dogs would be confiscated when he gets his next citation.

Ryder’s opinion? “Give me a break! Everybody in this city owns dogs! This is Manhattan. Move to Minnesota if you want quietness.”

What’s quietness? Is that like mutation?

Oksana Grigorieva (the FOURTH Oksana!) looks like the winner in the Which Russian Lady, Most Likely Named Oksana, Broke Up Mel Gibson’s Marriage Contest.

Congratulations, you win the $1,000,000,000 star’s… excuse me, the $500,000,000 star’s heart and blue jeans.

Fun fact: Oksana has a son by her former boyfriend, Timothy Dalton!

City officials are hoping to replace the wooden boardwalk at Coney Island with concrete.

“The concrete, which comes tinted in pleasingly named colors like ‘kayak’ and ‘autumn gold,’ would be cut to resemble wooden planks under the city’s latest plan…”

We were just there and the boardwalk mos def needs repairing ASAP. But a) how is ‘kayak’ a color; b) how is ‘kayak’ a pleasing name; c) how do you tint concrete; d) why would you tint concrete; e) does the city know about petrified wood; f) it’s wood, but it’s hard like concrete and it comes in pleasingly named colors like ‘wood’ and ‘timber.’

WELCOME TO COUGARTOWN! Yeah! Pages 18 and 19 have the ten “hottest” “cougars” in town”!”

(in no particular order)

Donna Karan, 60! Kelly Klein, 52! Madonna, 50! Carol Alt (showing less armpit and more bosom today),48! Katie Couric, 52! Elle MacPherson, 45! Helena Christensen, 40! And three women I’ve never heard of!

Me-yow!

[Side question: when you apply for a job at the Post, is there a pre-interview form you sign that states you have no shame? Or is it just assumed, because you're applying for a job at the Post?]

Poor Bryan Garaventa, 18.

On Election Day, Bryan went on a “racism-fueled rampage” beating a Black man into a coma. He is currently free pending sentencing for that crime. Or, he was, but he got mad at a lady and decided to punch the windshield and kick the door and fender of her car (breaking the door handle), and left ten threatening messages on her answering machine.

I really hope these new charges don’t influence the judge who has to figure out how to sentence poor Bryan for BEATING A MAN INTO A COMA.

“I’m going to send you to prison for a long time. But first, you know, hang out with your boys, get into mischief… we’ll meet back here in a few weeks and decide what to do with you, you wacky scamp!”

Was yesterday’s loss to Cleveland a tragedy? Meh. We got slaughtered, sure, but we’re still at .500 (6-6) and we have a chance to make everything right. Today. Taking the mound for the Injuns will be… Carl Pavano.

The Great Pavumpkin has a chance to make Yankee fans angry that we let him go (or to remind us that we paid him $40,000,000 for a handful of games over four years).

Come on, Yanks.

I think we have brunch plans, so it’s the great outdoors for us. The park is so lovely.

Enjoy what remains of your weekend.

see more pwn and owned pictures

Happy Weekend!

This is damn cool. Enjoy!

You like that? How about this:

(Thanks, Scott!)

And to lighten the mood a wee bit:

I would never show children the Care Bears Share a Scare movie. It’s terrifying! At least with Fear Dot Com I know that Stephen Dorff will put them to sleep before anything scary (or otherwise) happens. A mummified Care Bear? Are you out of your fucking mind?

Good morning!

As expected, I cannot stop reading Failblog. Which is why it’s almost noon and I am only this far in on today’s entry. But I’ve managed to pry mself loose from its glorious comedy teat (for how long, who knows?), so let’s get cracking.

At least nine universities across the country have recently gotten anonymous donations totaling at least $45,000,000. The one stipulation? They aren’t allowed to try and find out who made the donations.

Purdue got $8,000,000. North Carolina got $1,500,000. U of Iowa got $7,000,000.

Quick question: Since there is currently a quadrisquillion dollars of purloined/MIA money currently being searched for (thank you, Madoff et al), maybe we hold off on the “don’t ask where this gigantic donation is coming from” stuff for a year or two?

I’m just sayin’ is all.

Yesterday’s Yankee game was terrific. Until I had lunch. Then it was horrendous. Pre-lunch? Posada homers and ties the score 1-1. After lunch? Cleveland’s up 10-1. Final score? 10-2.

What else went wrong yesterday? Well, for starters, at 12:15 p.m. (as fans continued to stream into the new stadium) there was a shootout two blocks away (at the state Supreme Court building!). Rival gangs (The Jackson Avenue Gunnaz and Dimes Are Us) (I didn’t make those up – that’s what the Post calls them) fired three shots, hitting one gang member and freaking out many Yankee fans.

B’also? Pepsi promised to hand out 250 pairs of Yankee tickets in Times Square. But they only had 100. So what did the disappointed Yankee fans do? They chanted “Pepsi sucks!” over and over, as they tossed the free Pepsi t-shirts, posters and Cracker Jacks into a giant pile… and soaked it with Pepsi. We so classy.

B’also also? Yankee Stadium was almost razed to the ground yesterday when (after a 20 minute wait) fans at the concession stands were told that the stadium had run out of hot dog buns.

Oh, Yankees. Get it together.

(phone is ringin’, oh my God)

Governor Paterson just earned my support (for the week at least).

Archbishop and Fancy Dresser Tim Dolan criticized Paterson’s support of gay marriage in New York. The Guv’s reply?

“I was christened Catholic… But this is a civil government.”

Brilliant entendre notwithstanding, I am always thrilled to hear a politician say something that flies in the face of religious folks who always seem to forget the positive things that that magic Jesus guy had to say. Will the bill pass? Not with assholes like Ruben Diaz (D-Bronx) fighting tooth and nail against it (he’s an evangelical pastor… and a politician) and urinating on the separation between church and state.

It’ll be so nice when we all get to Heaven and Peter (Tork) greets us at the gate and says, “All sins are forgiven… except the ones that were committed in the Lord’s name” and everyone who used The Bible to hate on gays is like “b-b-b-b-but…” and they fall through the clouds and land in Hell and Satan is like, “Guess what? You’re all gay now! And you’re getting married! And you’re gonna have sex with your spouse all the time! Until you love it! And then I’ll marginalize you for being gay! Because The Bible says so!”

And then Joss Ackland drives a golden Rolls Royce down from the clouds and the door opens and he teleports out… no, wait. That’s The Apple.

The guy who plays basketball coach Antwon “Skills” Taylor on One Tree Hill (Antwon Tanner, 34) just sold some feds 16 Social Security numbers and 3 fake Social Security cards.

I guess the CW doesn’t pay that well (who’d uh thunk?).

Yesterday, Linda Stasi screamed about how demeaning the show The Cougar is (it is).

Today, there’s an ad for this Sunday’s Post. Which will feature…

NEW YORK’S 10 HOTTEST COUGARS!

There’s a great shot of Carol Alt’s armpit in the ad, too. If that’s your thing.

Tyra Banks had a stalker. He got caught. His trial starts today.

But prosecutors are now trying to reduce the charges against him. Is it because there isn’t enough evidence? Nope. Is it because the current charges are too harsh or a lesser charge makes more sense? Nope.

Defense lawyer Jeffrey Berman said in a pre-trial hearing that he believes that Tyra herself is demanding the charge reduction – so that she won’t have to testify in front of a jury.

“She puts herself out in the public about very interesting issues, and there are people out there who truly detest and dislike Miss Banks… I bet you anything Miss Banks made that request personally.”

You getting all this, McHale?

Do you use parking meters in the city? It’s $0.25 for 30 minutes, right?

WRONG!

47,000 meters across NYC will now charge that same quarter for 20 minutes. You use to get an hour of parking for four bits. Now it’ll cost six bits. Ask your grandparents what that means.

Linda Hogan (and her attorney, natch) are taking the Hulkster’s O.J. comments (which first appeared in Rolling Stone) very seriously. And she’s blaming their breakup not on her (cougarific) lust for the pool boy, but “Hulk’s serial cheating.”

Looks like O.J. may have snozzed and lost (apologies to M. Doughty).

Will Ferrell (to promote Land of the Lost) appears on an episode of Man vs. Wild that taped in the Arctic north of Sweden. Will called the experience, “the thrill of a lifetime, even though I did get urine drunk, which is sad.”

That’s right, he drinks his own pee-pee in the episode. Set your DVRs accordingly.

Hey – I just realized! If Jumbo has to buy two seats on United, he prolly gets two meals! That oughta cheer him (or her, to be fair) up!

Anyone watch Bloomberg’s press conference yesterday? At one point, a reporter dropped his tape recorder and it started to play and Bloomy yelled at him.

“Turn it off! This is a little too important for playing music! Maybe we’ll just take everything outside!”

Christine Quinn whispered in Mike’s ear, “he’s disabled” to which Mike replied, “OK. I understand that. He can still turn it off.”

For almost a full minute, the disabled reporter (Michael Harris of Examiner.com) tried to pick up his tape recorder as everyone around him (including Angry Mike) watched.

Mr. Harris is in a wheelchair.

I guess money can’t buy you class.

Somewhere Ron Silver is smiling. Or demanding that he be allowed to return to Earth in order to punch Lizzie Grubman.

Lizzie “I Drove My Car Into A Crowd Of People To Prove That My Money Would Help Me Avoid Serious Consequences And I Was Right! Thanks, MTV!” Grubman is telling anyone who will listen (through the whistle emanating from her front teeth) that her newborn son’s middle name is Ron (in Hebrew) in honor of the actor, who never hit people with his car on purpose.

Cindy Adams was allowed in Steinbrenner’s box yesterday? For the whole game? Ugh. No wonder we lost.

“Forget ‘Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack.’ It’s now ‘Buy me some pasta and a sushi snack.’”

No it isn’t, you delirious relic.

Also in the box (though not the one Cindy belongs in) was Archbishop and Chief Disliker of Homos Tim Dolan. Cindy says he asked her if he could buy her a beer. She said that in George’s box they’re free. “I know and that’s the only reason I offered to buy,” replied the possibly Jewish Dolan.

Joey keeps asking for you, Cin. Go to him.

Man, I wish there were more news stories about Susan Boyle. Especially with giant headlines like THIS UGLY DUCKLING’S A CANARY

I see what you did there, guys. Great job.

Sometimes the Police Blotter forces coffee out of my mouth and into my hand (just like R. Mason and her vomit!).

“An East Flatbush woman choked her elderly mother into unconsciousness after the victim told her to flush the toilet.”

Your honor, the jury finds this story to be hilarious. On all counts.

Michelle Malkin! Whatchoo been up to? Got a headline that will offend all the right people?

A Million Taxpayer March

Oh! You’re comparing the “Tea-baggings” of Wednesday with the Million Man March?

“An incomplete survey of newspaper accounts and organizer estimates pegged this week’s Tea Party protest population at a minimum of 250,000. If we use the crowd-counting math of left-wing activists, we can call it the Million Taxpayer March.”

Ah! I see what you did there! Well, if I can use the though process of your fellow Republican Betty Brown, might I suggest you changing your name to something you can pronounce more easily?

BOOM.

Yankee game starts in 5 minutes. Do I watch?

Joba’s pitching… OK. I’ll give it a try.

I’m glad Posada hit the first homer in the new stadium yesterday and Sabathia got the first K.

But I’m mortified that A-Rod is claiming he’ll be back way ahead of schedule. Key-ripes.

Dear Tracy Pollan,

What did you think I would do at this moment? I’m reading that you play the mother of the titular victim in Lifetime’s Natalee Holloway. Really? THAT’S what brought you back to TV? The network claims that they weren’t finished editing the movie in time to send screeners out to critics (that’s what the Disaster Movie folks said!), but we both know that’s a lie. One paper managed to see a screener (Birmingham, AL’s News) and they called it “sloppy and uneven, a forgettable look at the tragedy that consumed the nation’s attention for months.”

When people in Alabama find ANYTHING on the magic picture box “sloppy”…

How about you and Tracy Nelson team up to play sisters who get into all sorts of hiarious mischief? Meschach Taylor could play your adoptive transgender grandmother! It writes itself! And no one has to die for you to make it!

Call me if you’re interested,

Jed

Hey, BOC! Guess who’s getting a new reality show on VH1! Your functionally-illiterate favorite!

Fantasia Barrino!

Oh… I didn’t mean to make you cry, sweetie. I’m sorry. Hey – this’ll cheer you up:

Johnny Depp is on SpongeBob SquarePants tonight! He plays super-surfer Jack Kahuna Laguna!

Isn’t that nice?

Second fucking batter hits a home run.

1-0 in the bottom of the 1st. Why am I doing this to myself? They always start the year awful.

Sigh. Damon hits a single! Yay! Here comes Teixeira! Who’s batting… .160?!?!

Damon steals! Teixeira walks! Here comes Swisher!

He pops out. But Damon takes third! Here comes Posada! Hip hip Jorge!

Grounds out on the first pitch. At the end of 1, it’s 1-0 Cleveland.

I’m going for a walk.

Have a lovely day (the weekend is only 4 hours away!)