Archive for April, 2009

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Yes, that’s Sandman. And yes, that’s a mask that he cut the sides out of so his hair could stick out (but not the strip over the top). And yes, he is made of sand and doesn’t actually need to wear a costume at all.

B’also? He’s totes fisting Spider-Man.

I have just discovered failblog.org and I will be here for the rest of the night and tomorrow and forevermore. Cackling.

That’s my new word for when you get home at 4:00 and go to sleep and wake up at 8:00 the following morning and you don’t turn on your computer at all. I was gonna post something, but I was exhausted and collapsed. Which meant that this morning, I had 8,000 things to read on Facebook. Three of them were interesting.

Diana thinks that she’s the first person to tell me that Rod BluhGOYuhvitch (nice lady) is going to join the cast of NBC’s new (if new means identically copied from the European version) I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! You weren’t, Diana. But thank you for (being so) trying.

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Since I haven’t really done what I’m s’posed’ta for a few days, I’m going to burn through the last 2 days’ worth of Posts (BONUS FEATURES: Yesterday’s AM New York!) and then I’ll give you today’s just the way you like it.

But first – thank you, Sharon, you dick-eating genius. That made me smile. And when the fuck did you move to Chicago?!?

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TOOSDIE:

The MTA says that they’ll be getting $200,000,000 LESS than they were counting on, so now they may have to cut service more and raise fares more.

I want to ride a bicycle, I want to ride a (BI-cycle! BI-cycle!).

Incidentally – was that Freddie Mercury’s way of telling the world that, in the absence of penis, he would totes bone a lady? Or just that he’d want to?

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Mayor/Nanny Bloomberg is allowing the Department of Education to set new guidelines for drinks and snacks sold in schools.

Drinks must have no more than 10 calories per 8 ounces in elementary schools and 25 calories per 8 ounces in high schools.

Snacks must have no more than 200 calories, less than 200 mg. of sodium and less than 10% saturated fat.

Look for the new vending machines (also known as “water fountains” and “hotel ice machines”) to be installed during Mike’s fourth term.

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A Minnesota court confirmed that Al Franken won the most votes in his 2008 Senate race against Norm Coleman.

I’m glad we can finally put this behind us and move on.

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Edny Barco, 22, arrived at JFK (from Ecuador) with 4 boxes wrapped in bright yellow plastic. They contained candy wrappers. The wrappers contained over $400,000 worth of heroin.

Unfortunately, they had more than 200 mg. of sodium per wrapper and Edny was arrested.

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Last I heard, Madonna (who wasn’t allowed to steal a second non-orphan from Malawi) was moving to that glorious oasis to show the judge that she isn’t just some celebrity who was doing this on a whim and…

…never mind. She isn’t moving to Malawi – she’s building a girls’ school there (Is Madonna becoming White Oprah? No!). She’s moving to the UES. The asking price for the townhouse she bought was $45,000,000. She paid $40,000,000. The building is actually valued at under $20,000,000 because it’s over a subway that can be heard by the tenants.

Maybe Madonna is doing this to help us all better understand how the current economic crisis came about?

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Here’s an idea: If you jump onto the subway tracks in an attempt to kill yourself, you forfeit your rights. No one can be blamed if you do or don’t die. You hear me, Ronald Melichar?

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Spitzer swallows his pride and announces he’s gonna run for AG again!

“My record as governor was disappointing, but the voters will remember my excellent two terms as attorney general.”

No, we won’t. We will, however, remember that when you fucked that prostitute (repeatedly), you kept your socks on and tried to do it without protection (the WHORE was smarter than YOU).

Good luck with that re-run.

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Lawyers for that lady whose chimp mauled that other lady are asking that photos of that other lady be sealed, so as not to freak out the public/jury.

That other lady lost her hands, nose, lips and eyelids and has two years of reconstructive surgery ahead of her.

That description was graphic enough, no?

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Poor Britney Spears.

She asked for a tattoo of the Chinese character that (she thought) meant “mysterious.”

She just found out it means “strange” and not “mysterious.”

And I just found out that White girls getting Chinese characters as tattoos was a great idea… in 1995.

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Cindy Adams tells me that Hayden “I ruined Star Wars!” Christensen has a toy frog collection.

Thanks, Cindy! Now die.

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Obama got a dog, he’s lifting the ban on travel to Cuba and Republicans proudly protested his administration’s policies by “tea-bagging” (their name for it, not mine) the taxes they’re paying. For 2008. When the POTUS was George W. Bush.

And Texas wants to secede. Please please please let them. They’ll try exporting giant belt buckles and will realize just how pathetic their “everything’s bigger in Texas – especially stupidity!” mindset is.

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Marilyn Chambers died (awwwww) and Phil Spector is going to prison (yaaaaaaaaaaaay). RIP, Ivory gal. And get ready to be somebody’s baby, Phil.

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Mel Gibson is getting a divorce?!?

Are the Jews to blame? And if so, who will he ask to represent him in court?

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AL East standings:

Toronto 6-2

Baltimore 5-2

Tampa Bay 4-3

Yankees 3-4

Boston 2-5

I know it’s early, but holy cats! It’s like a photo negative of baseball reality!

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Waitaminute.

Nick Swisher pitched? He fucking PITCHED?

And he has a 0.00 ERA?!?!?!?

I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

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WED-INS-DAY:

Timothy Dolan’s on the cover making a “my boner is this big!” gesture, wearing his gay superhero outfit (complete with dick-shaped hat!). The smiling, gap-toothed altar man next to him raises questions (and more boners!).

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Charles Rangel is a tool. Yes. He is a tax-evading putz. Yes. But, really, Post. Is securing $47,575 for the Harlem United Community AIDS Center on West 124th St. to build a windmill on their roof (it will cut their electricity costs by 10%) worthy of the title “porky windbag”?

Sometimes I wonder if you don’t have an agenda, you raggy tabloid.

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That Bruce Springsteen affair… have we all forgotten how Bruce met his current wife?

He was married to Julianne Phillips at the time…

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Poor Lehman Brothers.

They have one million pounds of yellowcake uranium, but no one (except North Korea) wants to buy it.

Why does Lehman Brothers have 1,000,000 lbs. of nuclear weapons of mass destruction? Beats owning those sub-prime mortgages, am I right?

Seriously, though, this is ridonkulous.

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Here’s where I read about Rod of the Helmet Hair (for the third time) being on NBC’s latest eye-rape.

What would be great is if one of the other losers on the show (Melissa Rivers? Puck? One of the Dancing Itos?) wore a wire and tried to get him to admit he did what he’s already on tape doing. Then he could argue that Costa Rica has no extradition. To his cellmate.

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Everyone (except the gayest stereotype in America) thinks Lindsay’s new Funny or Die video is cute. Eh. I didn’t find it funny (or die), but I like that she can laugh at herself. Lord knows we do.

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Jamie Foxx (who I believe won an Oscar for playing the ugly lady on In Living Color) once said of Terence “Women Need To Wipe With Scented Oils Or I Will Beat Them” Howard, “This is the guy who plays the same character in every movie… his album went plastic.”

That’s funny.

He recently offered Miley Cyrus this unsolicited advice, “Do some heroin… be a lesbian and put some crack in your pipe. Catch chlamydia.”

Hey… it worked for Jamie!

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Marc “Divorcing J. Lo… any day now” Anthony wanted to do a cover of Foreigner’s “I Want to Know What Love Is” but he has been beaten to the punch by… Mariah Carey?!?

Oof.

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Poor Marilyn Chambers. She was slated to star as Linda Lovelace in Deep Throat: The Play.

You did the right thing, Marilyn.

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My dream: O.J. Simpson sues Hulk Hogan for libel AND WINS.

The Hulkster’s wife kicked him out of their home, left him for the pool boy and is spending roughly $40,000 of his money every month. How’s that make you feel, guy whose real name is Terry Bollea?

“I could have turned everything into a crime scene like O.J., cutting everybody’s throat… I totally understand O.J. I get it.”

Come on, O.J.! This is a slam dunk! You can win this one!

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F service isn’t shitty enough?

Thanks, Nicolas “My Half-Chinese Son With The Kryptonian Name Will Be Ostracized Forever” Cage! Can’t wait to not see this live-action version of Fantasia!

I’m not kidding! This is a live-action version of Fantasia! He looks just like the broom, doesn’t he?

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Cindy Adams tells me that Teri Hatcher is mad at ABC for digitally reducing her hard nipples from airings of Desperate Housewives.

Desperate, indeed.

Also, it’s long past your time to die, Cindy. Get in the box.

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Full-page ad.

Headline (next to the giant headshot) reads: DONALD TOLD PEOPLE THE MARKETS WERE TOO HIGH

It’s for the Learning Annex’s upcoming “America’s How to Make Money Expo.”

Um… didn’t Trump just declare bankruptcy AGAIN?

Great job, Learning Annex. Who else is on the dais? Madoff? Stanford? Adler? W.?

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Did a man inhale a seed, causing a tree to grow in his lungs? If you’re TV’s Rich Sommer, then yes.

But if you breathe through your nose, then no.

(Oh no I dih-ih!)

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The editorials/columns by idiots today are staggering.

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Fast food gets an upscale makeover?

McDonald’s will be rolling out McCafe’s at every one of their awful huts of obesity. That means you can get lattes, cappucinos… we went to one of these in Buenos Aires. Delicious. Amazing. Seriously. But then, they were using ingredients that weren’t bathed in chemicals and corn syrup. Will McCafe translate to NYC? I hope I never find out.

Burger King will unveil the Whopper Bar which could be the dumbest idea ever.

Oh, wait. That would be Kentucky Grilled Chicken.

No! It’s Pizza Hut’s “The Natural.” It’s a pizza made with no artificial additives!

Why does that remind me of the chats I used to have with my American Spirit-smoking friends?

“But these cigarettes don’t have added tar and nicotine!”

“You do realize that tobacco can now be grown with elevated tar and nicotine levels – there’s no reason to add them.”

“Yeah… but… these are healthier!”

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Josh Beckett has been suspended for 6 games, because he threw at Bobby Abreu’s head.

Does he know that Abreu doesn’t play for New York anymore?

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The Yankees win! And lose Nady!

Fuck.

Good thing we have 18 outfielders.

Swisher could take over, but he may be replacing Wang (not really).

At least we got Teixeira back.

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That Boston station has backed down and will air Jay Leno’s 10:00 p.m. snooze-fest instead of local news.

Great job, Boston. Way to stick to your guns.

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AM New York!

You are almost as informative as toilet paper!

What made the front page today?

J. Jonah Jameson is the mayor of New York! In a Spider-Man comic book!

I know people who collect comics (Hell, I know people who write about comics for a living) who don’t care.

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Also! Expect more delays on the E, F and V lines.

I hate the MTA ever-so-much.

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Also! A study shows that Twitter makes you heartless.

For serious.

“Exposure to constant news bulletins could harm young people’s brain development by not giving them enough time to process information about others’ emotional pain.”

This assumes that people are Twittering about their emotional pain.

Which is a great great idea.

“Hey, all! I got ebola! LOLZ! Srsly, tho, totes dying.”

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And! A 48-year-old math teacher was fucking her student (18-year-old Samuel Valdivia) when her boyfriend (her former student, 20-year-old Sixto Balbuena) walked in and killed Samuel.

Let’s hope he and the teacher each get Sixto life.

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Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the 2012 Republican nominee for POTUS.

Sahnoun Daifallah, 42, was sentenced to nine years in prison for “spraying a mix of urine and feces on food, wine and children’s books in several London stores.”

He hid a container of weed killer (filled with his nasties) in his laptop case.

Europe, you so crazy.

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And finally! John Clemente of Annandale, N.J. wrote a terrific letter to AMNY. I can’t stop laughing long enough to transcribe the whole thing, but this is my fave quote:

“We know what’s going on, Mr. President.None of the money you keep taking from taxpayers is going to help anyone but you and your rich friends. America is not sleeping, but you’re dreaming.”

And you, John, are today’s King Stupid! Congrats!

P.S. – You know that McCain has seven houses, right? And his druggie wife is a gazillionaire, right? And the Bush family is, too, right?

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TODAY:

Dolan’s boner has increased in size, according to today’s front page. But where’s the altar man?

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The other woman responsible for the dissolution of the Gibson marriage?

Oksana Pochepa (according to Oksana Pochepa).

This makes her the third Oksana (and fifth woman overall) to be credited with the nixed nuptials in the last week.

Oh, Mel. You’re too old for this shit.

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United Airlines is now charging the morbidly obese twice as much to fly.

If you can’t fit your gigantic ass in just the one seat, you’ll have to buy the one next to you as well.

This… makes sense. I’m sorry, but it does. I’ve sat next to really fat people on planes. It sucks. They’re really fat and pressing against me the whole way to wherever I’m going.

Also, if I have to pay to check a tiny bag, then Jumbo has to pay for being Jumbo.

John Pinette couldn’t be reached for comment, but sources say he is working this news into his joke.

I mean, routine.

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Nadya “Stop Calling Me Octomom!” Suleman has trademarked the name Octomom.

Wait. What?

She plans on selling diapers, clothing and a TV show all under the Octomom banner.

Why does she still have custody of anything?

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Dear yesterday’s protestors,

You are all so incredibly stupid, I can’t even begin to explain quite how stupid you are.

While I think it’s super that you made a sign for your little girl that says, “KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY PIGGY BANK!” and now she is in the Post, in 12 years you’ll show her what you made her do and she’ll hate you for it.

Also, I READ AS MUCH OF THE STIMULUS BILL AS MY CONGRESSMAN is confusing.

B’also? CAN WE BANRUPT THE COUNTRY? YES WE CAN! is awesome. To bad you didn’t have time to spellcheck your oaktag.

Abraham Mudrick travelled from Oregon to D.C. to protest. “We’re here to break the chain of taxation without representation!” he proclaimed to reporters. And when one pointed out that, actually, taxpayers HAVE representation, he replied, “My elected officials aren’t doing what I want.”

All of you are ridiculous. Hope you enjoyed tea-bagging each other yesterday.

Sincerely,

Jed

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I’m so glad I didn’t go to the New School.

Remember the teenagers (many of whom actually attend the school!) demanded Kerrey’s ousting? Well, they were all suspended.

Now comes the protests for the protestors. Students are demanding that the students be allowed back immediately.

And if not? Then they, too, will give up after a few hours.

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Tickets for the Titanic Memorial Cruise (which follows the ship’s original voyage) start at $3,000.

What could possibly go wrong?

Besides Billy Zane’s eye shadow?

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Yesterday I read about a 10-year-old boy in Brooklyn who died by jumping off a roof with a plastic bag he hoped to use as a parachute.

Today, he has become a 9-year-old who jumped because he was emulating Jeff Hardy (of WWE fame).

I guess Vince McMahon has more money than the company that makes the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

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I’m always fascinated by muggings in high-traffic locales. Sunday night at 8:10 p.m., two guys robbed an 18-year-old on 14th Street and 6th Avenue.

We used to live on 14th and 7th. That street is never empty, especially on the weekends.

(hums Phil Ochs’ “Small Circle of Friends” to himself)

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Daisuke Matsuzaka is on the 15-day DL.

Good.

Between that and Beckett’s classy act, the 3 and 6 (heh) Red Sox have a rocky road ahead.

The Yankees remain in third, but they’re 5 and 4, which I believe is the first time they’ve gone over .500 in a while. And CC is pitching today against Cleveland, so… maybe we’ll be 6 and 4 by this afternoon?

In other horrible Yankee news, Nick Swisher’s ERA is 0.00 and Chien-Ming Wang’s is… 28.93?!?! In TWO starts?!?

Oof.

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I don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy (I also don’t wear a promise ring), so I found it hilarious that when I joined Facebook and tried to find my college buddy, Miranda Bailey, the only thing I found was fan pages for a large Black woman (my Miranda is teeny and White).

Yesterday, my Miranda (currently using her married name) Friended me.

And it turns out that, in the last few years, she has become a large Black woman.

Congrats, Miranda! Both of you!

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And that will do it for today.

The weekend is roughly 30 hours away, people! Hang in there!

You’re welcome.

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I spent an hour on a line OF SIX PEOPLE in my tiny fart of a local post office. My favorite part was when the oddly-dreadlocked employee left for a few minutes. He was the only person working at the time. A Republican on the line muttered something about how “Obama wants these idiots to run healthcare?” and I wanted to point out to him that Obama is not interested in shifting postal employees into the medical field and I also wanted to feed him his package (whatever that means to you, that’s what I meant), but I just bit my lip and took solace in the fact that at least one of his kids is almost definitely gay.

And why did I stand on line for so long? To send in my (our) taxes! Hooray! Connecticut owes us money! We owe Oregon money! We owe New York money! The feds owe us money! And when the dust settles we’ll have a barely four-figure refund that we can use for (almost) half a month’s rent.

Whither that garbage bag full of money? Maybe we’ll win the Mega Millions tonight.

No, we WILL win the MegaMillions tonight.

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Got a remarkably unexpected phone call from a very old friend. We lost touch many years ago and he called to apologize and see if we could meet up for drinks. The Jed from six years ago would have told him to go fuck himself (if he didn’t just immediately hang up). But Teresa has helped me to be less angry and more forgiving. And after the last few weeks, I’ve gotten a sense of what’s truly important in life. Grudges over things that happened almost 20 years ago… meh. If we had bumped into each other on the street and he apologized, it might have felt like he felt obligated to apologize. But he found this blog and my phone number and reached out. He didn’t have to; he wanted to.

At the time, his shutting me out of his life crushed me. I couldn’t understand how someone that close to me could do that to me, especially when I really needed my friends. But I understood why he (and others) assumed the worst and cut me out. It hurt, but it’s a big world and I’m a big boy.

I moved on with my life. Skidmore, Chicago, Manhattan, Portland and now Brooklyn. I’ve grown both up (though I’m still far from a grown-up) and a little wiser. And I’ll always have room in my life for more friends.

Except on Facebook’s Mafia Wars. The limit there is 501. But I’ve stalled at 7. Which is why my casinos keep getting robbed.

What was I saying again? Oh, right.

Welcome back, Mick. I just listened to Uninspired on YouTube. I like. Is that you on vocals? I remember your singing voice being much more feminine…

OK. Now we’re even.

(if the rest of you want to feel like a part of this conversation, you can hear my new old friend’s band – NOBA – by clicking play below)

$5 says that there is a moment in the new screenplay where teens are in the woods and he pops up and says, “Bad news: BEARS!” and then bears rip them apart and he laughs and then the bears laugh and then Tony Curtis wakes up covered in sweat – but it’s the sweat of… Sssspahtuhcussssssssssssssssssssssss.

Also, Teresa asked me to grow a mustache and I did and now she calls me “Pizzaman” and giggles like an infant. And if it didn’t make me so happy to help her get through these phenomenally rough times, I would wear her skin like a coat as I shaved it off.

(or ex-cuse)

Teresa’s surrogate grandmother Fran has passed away. We flew out last year to attend her 90th birthday party. She was not only still sharp as a razor, but she was surrounded by close to 100 people who had all been directly touched by her rich and generous life (get Teresa drunk and she’ll hit you with anecdotes that will spin your head and make you wonder why Gloria Steinem got all the credit).

She will be missed by everyone who had the pleasure of knowing her.

There’s also a gnawing feeling that there is a third (fourth? fifth? I’ve lost count!) shoe perilously close to dropping which, if it does, will make our lives all the more difficult.

But, and I say this to my beautiful wife almost as loudly as I say it to myself, no matter what happens, the two of us are blessed with many friends who have lifted our spirits immeasurably over the last month and change (and who continue to do so), the most generous and caring family and, above all else, we have each other. A lot of people say that their spouse is their best friend. Mine really is. And as long as I get to wake up and see her face every day, I know that everything else will work itself out. Or we’ll become bank robbers.

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As for the blog, this time I’m not making any promises. I had to pick up our tax returns this morning (we’re getting a little bit back!) and just put another load of dishes in (and fixed a leak and changed a light bulb and took in some laundry) and I need to jump in the sower and shave and it’s already 3:30.

Do I want to write? Yes. But I just can’t. As soon as I’m clean I’ll have to start cooking and I know how much Fran meant to Teresa, so I’m sure it will be a quiet evening for us.

Maybe it’s just that I’m alone for the first time in weeks or maybe I’m suddenly realizing just how much crap we (especially Tere) have gone through in the last month and it’s hitting me harder than I thought, but truly the last thing I want to do right now is make fun of something.

I just want to hug my wife.

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I know I’ve promised not to be so maudlin/sissified, but desperate times, etc. etc.

B’also? The blog isn’t called “Entertainment… Daily” or “Entertainment… Consistently.”

So… nyeh.

I just watched the introduction to this show. Not the show, just the pre-credits “get ready, America” kinda-sorta explanation of what is about to follow.

And for the life of me, I cannot imagine anyone wanting to continue any further than I got. The FOX affiliate in Panama City refused to air the show below BASED ON A CLIP IT WAS SENT. Even they didn’t make it through the show. It’s like they asked people what they don’t want to see on television and then whatever the top twenty answers were, that’s what they do on this show (“Never put a unitarded Jack Osbourne on a Segway.” “Don’t show me Kelly Osbourne pretending to feed old Jewish women shriveled-up penises.” “Can I please not watch more strangers’ relationships get destroyed?” “I wake up at night worried that The Osbourne family will build a set that looks like the briefing room that the White House Press Secretary gives conferences in and film a sketch and air it on television and if I ever actually see that, I will go on a killing spree unlike any the world has ever seen.” “Under no circumstances should a close-up of the unitarded ass of a farting Ozzy Osbourne be shown to humanity.”).

If you are capable of watching this, please let me know if it is as terrible as it appears.

(although I did giggle at the “Hills” version of Ozzy, but after the seizure-inducing horrors that preceded and followed it, I might be romanticizing it – I’ll never know as I’ll never see any of this ever again)

One more pile of awful has been heaped onto the pushcart that is our current state of affairs. A beloved relative has taken a bad turn.

I’ve heard “when it rains, it pours” but I feel that maybe “when it rains, men will break into your house and nail you and your wife to the ground outside and fire water cannons in your face” might be more appropriate.

Teresa goes back to work on Monday, so I’ll be able to sit down then and restart this blog properly-like.

Thank you for your patience.

Except a quick HELLO! as I spend the day cleaning and nursing (not like that, perv). Seems easier to just say “we’re both doing OK” here and save my e-mail box the trouble.

I’ve been getting awful tired awful quickly recently. I’m not medically concerned – I think it’s fair to say that between being unemployed and dealing with Teresa’s surgery (immediately followed by Teresa’s current bout with cancer) my stress level is rising.

But it feels like we’re on a second honeymoon (though I’m still not sure our first one ever officially ended) and I couldn’t be happier. Every time I see my wife smile, I feel such relief… which is why I’ll be back to business tomorrow.

But for now, I have bills to mail! And a train to ride! Heya!

Being an anti-Semite was bad enough, but it turns out Walt Disney was also a corner-cutter of the worst kind…

Thanks, Peter! And what could possibly follow that masterpiece? How about this masterpiece:

Why do you hate our troops, Rush?

Billy Bob Thornton is a phenomenal asshole. I am throwing out all of my Boxmasters albums. Of which, thankfully, I have none.

Thank you, Diana, for the link. Can you imagine if he’d asked what it was like to be married to Angelina Jolie? Cosmic cowboy music? Sign me (whatever the opposite of) up (is)!

And then there’s Caribou Barbie and the guy who knocked up her daughter!

Two interviews in a week? That’s overkill? Levi should shut up?

This is why I don’t ever ever ever watch CNN. Or shows with “Showbiz” in the title (now that Spade’s Showbiz Show is no more).

Safe bet: Levi is not writing a book.

More to follow…