Archive for May 4th, 2009

Four days of funny? All at once?

4th May
2009
written by jed

Why not?

I have four hours to kill before my movie starts (and I only need 5 minutes to run and buy a soda to have with my overpriced-yet-irresistible popcorn) and I found all of the unsnarked papers. So what am I waiting for? Let’s do this thing!

FRIDAY

Governor Paterson had himself lowered even deeper into his hole so that he might dig himself further into it.

In 2003, when he was the Senate minority leader, he fired a White Senate photographer and replaced him with a Black photographer. The man he fired, Joseph Maioriello, 56, was a 26-year employee of the Senate and filed a racial-discrimination lawsuit against our sight-challenged gubernatorial placeholder.

The lawsuit was scheduled to begin today in Syracuse — with Paterson as a key witness (insert blind joke here) — but they’ve settled out of court. For losing his $34,000-a-year job, Joseph got $300,000 (of taxpayer moneys).

Paterson denies the firing was racially motivated. And yet… the plaintiff got $300,000.

How many days left before Cuomo takes office?

 

An 8-year-old Saudi girl divorced her husband, 50, after an out-of-court settlement was reached.

See, under Saudi law (see also: jumbo shrimp, longest yard, funny episode of Friends), there’s no minimum age for marriage. So when the girl’s father SOLD HER HAND IN MARRIAGE to the 50-year-old for $13,000, she had no choice but to wed him.

Here’s the part that makes you look around for the hidden camera and Allen Funt, Jr.

Her previous request for a divorce was denied by a Saudi judge on the grounds that she would have to wait until she reached puberty to file a petition for divorce. She’s old enough to be married and forced to fornicate with a man over 6 times her age (8 x 6 = 48 + 2 = 50), but she’s not yet old enough to know that she doesn’t want to be married to a sweaty 50-year-old pervert.

B’also? “Although a woman’s consent is legally required, some marriage officials don’t seek it.”

I can already hear the goat-chasing* shyster who represented the defendant in the first trial explaining to the judge, “The law says my client needs a woman’s consent for marriage. Do you see any women here today? All I see is a little girl, your honor!”

Cross Saudi Arabia off the list, Teresa.

*I believe that Saudi ambulances are stretchers tied to goats.

The Post wrote a letter to VP Biden in response to his clumsy remark about not flying or taking a train during this swine flu hysteria. Did he mean to say, “IF YOU’RE ILL, don’t travel in planes or trains?” Maybe. Did he mean, “BECAUSE OF ALL OF THE SICK PEOPLE OUT THERE, don’t travel in planes or trains?” Maybe. Either way, I don’t care. After eight years of “The Decisionister,” Biden (who I will admit has always loved the taste of his shoes) will have to really outdo himself for me to get angry about a soundbite.

I was going to go through the letter and find all of the typos, but then I thought, “why spend that much time on this crap” so I decided instead to read until I found a mistake.

Top left of the letter is the address The Post is mailing the letter to. Fourth line:

“Washington, D.C., 20008″

No comma between the state (or in this case, the district) and the zip code.

Phew! Dodged that bullet. I will note, however, that they included a MetroCard in the letter (along with “You say you don’t like confined spaces like airplanes. Fine — don’t get on one and come here ever again.”). I guess their editorial says, “no” while their attached MetroCard says, “yes.”

Tyra’s stalker is guilty! He faced 90 days in jail. His sentence?

 

Counseling.

He’ll be formally “sentenced” on June 18th.

Good work, justice.

Today’s front page features the headline ASSASSIN STRIKES in regards to an attempt on the life of Holland’s royal family. The accompanying photo show a man and a girl being hit by the assassin’s car. Classy.

12 people were reported injured — 8 of them seriously — and three men and two women were killed. It happened during a parade in honor of Queen Beatrix. The royal family was sitting on a platform that the assassin missed by a few yards. Neighbors of the assassin say he was recently fired from his job and scheduled to be evicted from his home.

He faces charges of attempted assault on the royals plus manslaughter and murder charges.

As I type this Monday, I realize that I haven’t seen a lot about this over the weekend (outside of this awful rag).

There’s a piece about New Yorkers who are buying Chryslers because of all the great deals now.

The photographed example? Dennis and Mary Saleeby. They wanted a 300LX, which lists for $27,500.

Mary said she “didn’t want to spend more than $22,000 to $23,000.”

Her final cost? $24,000.

What an amazing deal! You’re a very lucky man, Dennis.

Souter is retiring. He will be replaced by a Latino woman. Or Danny Cooksey. But probably a Latino woman.

Kelly McGillis is gay.

Which means that there’s a solid chance that she was having an affair with Jodie Foster while representing her in The Accused, which could get her disbarred.

Dennis Hof, pimp of the Bunny Ranch and star of the HBO series Cathouse, is offering Rod BluhGOYuhvitch (nice lady) an apprenticeship at his brothel, now that he isn’t allowed to pretend he’s a celebrity in Costa Rica.

Will he accept?

Deborah Perez claims her adoptive father was Zodiac, the California serial killer.

And in an amazing showing of incompetence, what should read, “She said she was with Zodiac when the killer fatally shot Darlene Ferrin…” but instead, this is what they ran, “She said she was Zodiac when the killer fatally shot Darlene Ferrin…”

At least it doesn’t really affect the sentence that much.

According to Cindy Adams, Robert Siegel, screenwriter of The Wrestler, is now filming Big Fan. Since Tom Epstein has already seen this movie, I am going to assume that he’s done filming it.

Get in the box.

Has Megan McAllister removed her engagement ring? Oh noes! Look out, ladies! The Craigslist Killer might be back on the market!

Adam Brodsky! Awwww. He must have though I was ignoring him. I’ve been talking about Malkin and O’Reilly and Peters and Hurt but I don’t talk about poor Adam. OK, Bro. Let’s hear your opening sentence.

“If President Obama were as crafty as, say, Osama bin Laden, you might wonder if his decision last week to release new ‘torture’ photos this month was part of some clever psych-ops scheme.”

Wow. That’s some fine right-wing bullshit there, son! So, you think that our POTUS isn’t as clever as bin Laden? So you admire bin Laden?

Congratulations. You’re now one of the many jerk-offs I will continue to make fun of. And if you were as clever as, say, the rained-on smear of dog crap in front of my subway station, you might consider not being a tool.

Speaking of O’Reilly, his Let’s Be Fair About Obama takes some right-wingers to task for their “deranged” views of Obama’s first 100 days.

And how does Bill grade Obama?

Domestic policy: B

Foreign policy: C

Leadership: C+

Loofah: Falafel

Hasbro and Discovery Communications will each throw $300,000,000 into a relaunch of the Discovery Kids channel.

 

On the one hand, this is smart because Hasbro has a lot of toys that are already great cartoons (Transformers, G.I. Joe).

On the other hand, “Other films based on Hasbro assets in the works include Stretch Armstrong, Candyland and Monopoly.”

I wish I was kidding.

TODAY’S HEADLINE THAT SOUNDS MUCH DIRTIER IF YOU HAVE NO OTHER CONTEXT THAN THE HEADLINE ITSELF:

Ex-Citi banker fingered

Disney is buying a stake in Hulu.com.

That adds ABC to the NBC/Fox site… will CBS follow?

 

 

Lou Lumenick gives Ghosts of Girlfriends Past 2.5 stars. And he says, “Like McConaughey’s love-’em-and-leave-’em photographer Connor Mead — who would qualify as self-parody if McConaughey weren’t that already in real life — there’s an almost irresistible cheesy charm to this unabashedly tacky spin on A Christmas Carol.”

1) McConaughe is not a photographer in real life.

2) He has been with the same woman for a while now. They also have a child.

3) Did you mean that he’s already a self-parody even though he is no longer a philanderer?

4) I wasn’t saying, “Looooooooooou.” I was saying, “Booooooooooooo.”

TODAY’S OTHER HEADLINE THAT SOUNDS MUCH DIRTIER IF YOU HAVE NO OTHER CONTEXT THAN THE HEADLINE ITSELF:

Brown troupe in the pink

Let’s see what the critics have to say about Obsessed.

 

Nothing. Alls they got is “#1 MOVIE IN AMERICA” which ceased to be true as soon as the first showing of Wolverine unspooled.

Uh-oh. It starts in less than 3 hours!

 

The new hullaballoo where A-Rod is concerned is whether or not he “tipped pitches” as a shortstop.

I don’t care. He’s our third baseman. You can’t tip pitches from third base. So… I have no problem with his non-steroid-taking, non-pitch-tipping Yankee years.

But feel free to rake this douchebag over the coals if’n you have proof of earlier malfeasance.

 

I am not kidding. This is real.

Maury is teaming up with The National Campaign to Prevent Teen And Unplanned Pregnancy (or TNCPTAUP) to raise awareness of the national problem.

Wednesday is the “National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy” (a whole day!) and in its honor (and because he does it four times a week anyway), Maury will feature “out-of-control teens.”

Maury… you ARE part of the problem!

 

Who told Oprah: “I really am sorry for the people I let down. I really want to inspire again.”

a) James Frey

b) DMX

c) Kirstie Alley

d) Gayle King

ANSWER…………………………………….. c. On account of she got obese again. Oops.

 

Congrats, Fox! Lie to Me snared 7,900,000 viewers! NBC got 6,700,000, ABC got 6,100,000 and CBS got 6,000,000.

Your non-patriotism paid off in spades!

 

SATURDAY

Tim “Silly Hat” Dolan blessed a 7-line subway tunnel being dug. What a great photo op!

One of the people that helps divide New Yorkers, and the company that sporadically helps close the divide between New Yorkers!

LOL!

 

A couple was arrested to having sex on the lawn of Windsor Castle. The charge is “outraging public decency.”

The English can make anything sound classy!

 

ING had a “swap meet” and their cafe on 58th and 3rd today. Among the trash people were giving away?

“…a goblet in the shape of the comic-book villain, the Joker.”

Fuck.

 

If this is true, this would make either an incredible horror film or the absolute funniest comedy of the decade.

Alexander Maryasin booked a trip to Italy through American Express travel services. He asked the employee assisting him for a hotel suggestion, as he was bringing his 11-year-old and 21-year-old sons with him and was concerned about security. He also wanted to make sure the hotel was “appropriate” for his kids.

The employee recommended Sardinia’s Hotel Cala di Volpe. Maryasin booked the trip.

He is now claiming that the hotel employees forced him to give them $60,000 in jewelry (why do a grown man, his 21-year old son and his 11-year-old son fly to Sardinia with $60,000 in jewelry?). He also claims that his family was forced to take the hotel staff out to restaurants and clubs, forcing them to suffer “great psychological harm.”

All told, he accuses the staff of the hotel with charging over $300,000 on his American Express Black.

Maybe they should change their motto to “Don’t leave home.”

Huh? Huh?

 

Do you take Hydroxycut? Then you’re going to die!

Well, we’re all going to die. But now the FDA says Hydroxycut damages your liver. So… stop taking it.

 

Why did Leno go to the hospital?

Exhaustion.

“Exhaustion,” he told some old ladies, “that’s like a rich person’s condition. Poor people who work — they don’t get exhausted. Only rich people get exhausted.”

After some polite applause, he continued, “Speaking of exhaustion, did you hear about the swine flu? Anyone? Have you heard about this? Swine flu? Been in the papers recently? Well, not that long ago, people said we’d be a Black President when pigs fly. And after 100 days of Obama’s administration, swine flu! Listen, you’ve been great. Make sure to watch me 5 times a week at 10:00 p.m. for more hilarious observations like that.”

There was no polite applause.

A guy was being handcuffed for unruliness at the Trump Taj Mahal in 2007. As he was being arrested, he bit off part of a cop’s finger. For that, he is expected to get… 10 years in prison.

What did the guy who set his kid on fire get again? Four years? Three?

TODAY’S HEADLINE THAT SOUNDS MUCH DIRTIER IF YOU HAVE NO OTHER CONTEXT THAN THE HEADLINE ITSELF:

Blind man shaft death

Wow. I happened to catch where the above took place. Knolls Crescent in Riverdale. Where my dad’s parents used to live.

Small world.

To save $400,000, the Corrections Department is reducing the number of slices of bread inmates will get each day. They used to get 12. Now they get 8.

Another way Bloomberg is saving money? Cutting $11,200,000 from the budget of… NYC libraries.

Nice.

Tim “Liberace used to wear this cape I have on” Dolan told Catholics to consider not taking Communion wine and not shaking hands with anyone during the Sign of Peace at Sunday Mass because of swine flu.

Bill Maher did an amazing bit on how swine flu is PROOF of evolution and if you don’t believe in evolution than you can’t have Tamiflu — only prayer.

And not shaking hands or drinking the blood of Christ, I guess.

There’s a movie coming out soon called, New York, I Love You and it will be just like Paris J’Taime — a bunch of short films directed by a bunch of different celebs like Brett Ratner, Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson.

I spoke too soon. According to “an insider,” Scarlett’s black-and-white short (starring Kevin Bacon) is “unwatchable” and was left on the cutting room floor.

Oops.

Matt Pinfield checked himself into rehab.

Get well soon, you raspy-voiced bald weirdo (he was one of the only nice folks at MTV when I was there).

Remember when Lauren Conrad said she was done with The Hills? That was before she realized she was a fashion failure and had no other prospects anywhere. So… she’s trying to rejoin the cast. Awesome.

Oh, Oregon.

The University of Oregon Frisbee team (highly-ranked, don’tcha know) all dropped their pants in the middle of a match. They were disqualified and suspended from competition. They are now challenging that suspension.

Shine on, you crazy dimwits.

That guy who tried to run over Queen Beatrix with a Subaru?

He died from injures sustained in the attack.

A neighbor was quoted as saying, “He was a normal, polite man who lived a very quiet and secluded life.”

The Dutch… so like us.

The people who call the cops because McDonald’s is out of lemonade or there isn’t enough ketchup on your burger… that’s funny. The people who call the cops to report that someone stle their marijuana? Even funnier. But this is my new favorite.

Juan Velaco offered Judith Perez, 27, $20 if he could squeeze her breasts. She agreed. He squeezed her breasts. And refused to pay. So, naturally, Judith smashed a glass bottle over his head and beat his face so badly that he needed to be treated at the ER. When police arrived, Judith proudly exclaimed, “I broke the motherfucker’s skull! Why won’t he pay me?”

My guess? You have unpleasant breasts.

Perez was charged with assault, menacing and harassment… but not solicitation?!?!

Booooooooooooo.

A motorman on the L line spotted a body on the tracks… and stopped the train before hitting him!

But the guy was already dead, so he wouldn’t have sued anyway.

Boooooooooooooo.

Nice op-ed called Living in Al Sharpton World.

Pretty sure there’s a missing possessive. Pret-ty pret-ty pret-ty sure.

“Garlic improves almost anything in the world.”

That’s Pete Seeger who just turned 90 and probably smells awful.

Yesterday, A-Rod made two b.m.’s, watched The Cougar, ordered room service, flirted on a party line and listened to Madonna’s outgoing message 240 times.

John McCain (who accused Obama of being a wannabe celebrity) will be hosting AMC’s Memorial Day weekend marathon of war movies.

He will mention his box, my friends. My friends, he will mention his box.

SUNDAY

Remember the two cops accused of raping that drunk women they helped out of a cab?

Turns out they called in a fake complaint on her block in order to return there and rape her again.

Do we still have the death penalty? God, I hope so.

Do NOT get sick in Queens.

Steve Murphy, 43, has diabetes and congestive heart failure. Ever since his local hospital (St. John’s) closed, he’s gone to Forest Hills Hospital. He got there late last Sunday complaining of breating trouble. He was placed on a gurney (that was too small for him) and left there for 48 hours — until a room opened up at 3:00 a.m. Tuesday morning.

Forest Hills says they are usually over capacity by roughly 30 patients at any given time and have used conference rooms and office space as makeshift treatment areas.

So, if you’re ever invited to a conference at Forest Hills Hospital, wear gloves. And a raincoat.

Rudy 9iu11ani was a no-show at the gay wedding of his former roommates on Saturday.

He has gone on record to say that he is “still opposed to gay marriage and will speak out against it” if (read: when) he runs for governor.

Fuck off, you lisping Bible-thumper.

POST EXCLUSIVE!
The hole where the Ortiz jersey was buried in the new stadium? It remains unfilled!

Do you realize what this means?

NOTHING!

Over the last 3 years, the conviction rate for drunk driving arrests in New York State has been 95.6%.

Last year, roughly 10,000 such arrests were made in the city.

Of the 6,000+ cases that have reached the courts, 187 have went to jail.

Not a typo.

Of the 1,091 folks arrested in Manhattan, 28 (that’s 2.5%) have gotten jail time.

“That’s some fine police work, Lou.”

You know the Meatpacking District? It used to have a lot of meatpackers there (and I don’t mean at The Vault). Atlas Meat is gone. Gachot & Gachot is gone. M & W Meatpacking is gone. Lambs Unlimited and Diamond Meats are gone. And now Pat La Frieda Wholesale Meat Purveyors are moving to New Jersey.

I feel the time is right to rename the area. I suggest the “Sex and the City Tourist District” or HoFa (short for HorseFace).

Rest in peace, Jack Kemp.

The UK is pulling their troops out of Iraq?!?

You traitorous dogs! If you dont fight them over there, then you’ll fight them over there! And, for the record, the first “there” was Iraq and the second “there” was the UK!

What can Brown do for me? Stay the course! Accomplish the mission! Awe the shock!

(frantically waves miniature American flag)

(flag snaps, zoom in on the “made in China” tag)

Srini Varadarjan of Falls Church, Virginia, writes “Did President Obama only make 100 mistakes in his first 100 days?”

I’ll field this one, Post. By your italics, Srini, I can see that you’re implying that Obama made more than 100 mistakes since taking office. I say that, in fact, he has made less than 100. But I also have a follow-up question for you.

Did your parents use the leftover letters of a forfeited Scrabble game to name you?

Keith Richards on Prince:

“I’ve never liked Prince. Everybody else does and thinks I’m an asshole for not liking him. But I think he’s an overrated midget.”

There’s an ad for the Hoboken International Film Festival (tee hee) and “this year’s most controversial film, O.B.A.M. Nude.”

I Googled the film’s title (It stands for Occidental Births A Monster) and started to watch the trailer. If you’ve never seen a TV or a film or a photograph or the light of day, you might enjoy the trailer. Otherwise, you’ll immediately recognize that the actors can’t act, the director can’t direct and the script is as timely as a cave painting.

Seek it out at your own peril.

A photograph of Kelly Osbourne tying the laces on Kim Kardashian’s roller skates?

Suitable for framing!

And then throwing away!

So, New Yankee Stadium is an absolute dream. Beautiful. You can watch the game from just about anywhere (except the pisser, which is sad) and the bleacher seats we had were unbelievable.

If I had money, I’d have tried the nachos. Or the cheesesteak. Or some franks.

But my $6.00 plastic cup served me just fine (and continues to do so!).

If the promise of more work transcends lip service, maybe I’ll take m’wife.

Even the fact that the Yanks went from 1-0 in the first to 1-8 in the ninth didn’t lessen the sense of awe and fun I had all afternoon.

I left after Cano struck out in the bottom of the ninth. So, naturally, the Yanks scored 3 more runs while I subwayed homeward. But I’m glad I missed it — if I want my hopes to constantly get raised and then destroyed, I’ll become a full-time Cubs fan.

Teixeira told reporters he’s “embarrassed” by his batting average (.182).

So am I.

I should also note that I was lucky enough to receive a free ticket to see Bea Arthur at the Park West in Chicago years ago. My friend and I went for the irony and the ability to amuse friends later. We were both blown away by how talented Bea was. The fact that she became a staple at the Friars’ Club roasts is a testament to her humor. And Angela Lansbury speaks highly of her, so it goes without saying that she will be missed.

MONDAY

Movie in exactly one hour. OK.

From the people that put the man and girl getting hit by a car on Friday’s front page comes today’s VIDEO MURDER headline, complete with a full-page photo of the victim getting shot!

So classy.

Does Megan Fox really have “We will laugh at gilded butterflies” in giant gothic font tattooed on her right shoulder?

What did Brian Austen Green ever see in her?

David Hasslehoff’s 16-year-old daughter got to see Daddy passed out in the bathroom! Again! He was rushed to the hospital where he registered a 0.39 blood alcohol level (that’s potentially lethal, kids). The legal limit is 0.08.

Get well soon, David. And then go away forever and raise your damn kids.

Uh-oh! Did John Edwards give his mistress hush money out of the campaign coffers? He says no, but the feds are still investgating.

“I am confident that no funds from my campaign were used improperly,” Edwards offered. Then, seeing his wife making the “keep going” gesture with her hand, continued, “Too bad the same can’t be said for my tiny cheating penis. It is no more than 2 inches in length, never gets totally hard without medical assistance and should be cut off before I stick it willy-nilly in whatever woman has the misfortune to be in my immediate vicinity. Thank you. There’s pie and punch at the back.”

As I figgered, X-Men: Origins: Wolverine was #1 this past weekend so I’m gonna see it and review it later today.

I just hope they do Deadpool right.

I dodged a bullet! The #2 movie was Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. I was worried I’d have to see it, but Star Trek is out next week. Which might be worse (Cloverfield, anyone?).

Andrew Morton’s next book will be about… Angelina Jolie!

Seriously, what don’t we already know about her?

There’s a photo in Page Six (on page 12 today) of Angelina in costume for her new movie Salt (rewritten especially for her!) and she looks like Tori Amos and Popeye had a baby.

Have you seen the trailer for the new movie Moon?

Looks like it might make good on Soderbergh’s Solaris‘ promise.

Wat I didn’t know is that the director, Duncan Jones, has a famous father.

David Bowie.

Arlen Specter said yesterday that a major reason he left the GOP was his passion for health care (nicely done!). And that the GOP’s track record is partially responsible for Jack Kemp’s death (….dude.).

Sigh.

Lorena Bobbitt claims that her ex-husband, John Wayne Bobbitt, still leaves her romantic messages and hopes they’ll get back together someday.

[insert penis reattachment joke here - the Post went for NO HARD FEELINGS as the headline and John Bobbitt still has thing for Lorena as the sub-head]

I actually saw one of his porno movies in college. My friend, Sioux, told me she rented it and I joked, “What’s it called? Frankenpenis?”

Yes. And one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen is the look of boredom/frustration/disgust on the face of one of the many women that had to… pleasure Bobbitt’s misshaped never-hard shame.

Oh, Iran.

Mohsen Rezaei, a candidate for Ahmadinejad’s job says he’ll cooperate with the United States if he’s elected (YAY!).

Rezaei is wanted by Interpol in the 1994 bombing of a Jewish center in Argentina (…dude.).

Jane Isabella writes in, “We are not worried about the swine flu as much as the swines running this country.”

The plural of swine is swine, Jane. B’also? Love it or leave it.

Toronto 18-9

Boston 15-10

Yankees 13-11

It’s still very very early in the season. And our next two games are at Fenway.

Phil Hughes is starting for us tonight. When asked if he’s read the new A-Rod book, he said, “I haven’t read a book since high school.” As young as he is, that’s still sad.

Southland is shedding viewers like crazy. We’ve only seen the first episode, but even if it gets progressively worse each week, it’s smart television. You let them kill Homicide and Arrested Development and Deadwood and Mr. Show.

Stand up for this show. It deserves your attention and respect.

Ta-dah!

And that, my friends, it how you compress four days of newspapers into one entry of vitriol.

Off to see a huge ackman (whatever that is) fight a sabred tooth.

More to come…

0 Comments
Dailies