It is important to note that my mother took me to see the first Star Trek when it originally played and I fell asleep fairly quickly. After that, I watched the final ten minutes of ST:TNG every day in college (it was on before The Simpsons), but despite some impressive acting I couldn’t justify watching a show (in its entirety) where Whoopi Goldberg played a space-bartender as if she was trying to win (another) Emmy (seriously, a space-bartender?). Around that same time, I started to go see the Star Trek movies when they came out (I saw The Undiscovered Something Or Other and every one thereafter; tickets were cheap in college, free in Chicago, free in Westchester… my standards have ebbed and flowed over the years as a direct result, sadly). I really liked First Contact, went to see the one where Kirk dies and thought his death scene was second only to {that shot of Frank Nitti against a greenscreen in The Untouchables after Ness throws him off the roof} in grinding a film’s momentum to a sniggering halt.

And yes, I just used the { and the } in that last sentence. I felt it clarified the sentence — in math it signifies the unification of a part of the equation. If you saw 3 + 2 x 4 = ? the answer would be 20. But if it read 3 + {2 x 4} = ? the answer is 11. I felt that the sentence needed some extra punctuation, so I added the squiggly parentheses. I think I’m going to do it from now on (as I loves me some run-on sentences that tangentrify and contain nonsensical words I make up on the fly – like “tangentrify” and “youth market.”)

And I kept seeing them because, though I am not a fan in the slightest, I have always had an interest in pop culture (were I prettier, I would have proven it on The World Series of Pop Culture, but VH1 has a knack for putting the wrong people on TV [see: VH1]). B’also because no one was making any Star Wars movies (and then BECAUSE someone was making Star Wars movies).

So as I talk about the movie, understand that besides catchphrases (and other things you learn about a TV show through Mad parodies and SNL sketches), I have:

a) no attachement to the original series

b) no great knowledge of the original series

c) low expectations as I thought Cloverfield was awful and Transformers was boring (I vaguely remember saying “really?” to myself when the car from outer space peed on John Turturro and then doing a crossword for the remainder of the movie)

d) puh-lenty of spoilers as true fans of Star Trek have already seen this film 10 times

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PREAMBLE

Whenever I’ve gone to a comic book store at any point in the last ten years, I’ve gotten depressed. Out of the hundreds of times such an event has occurred, I can count on one elbow the number of times I have seen actual children in the store (and if they’re there because dad or mom is picking up their weekly books — for themselves — it don’t count). Somehow, comic book companies have managed to hook a generation (or two) who used to buy comics for 35 cents, 50 cents, 65 cents, and now race to the store every Wednesday to spend $3.00 on a single 22-page comic book (some books are going up to $4.00 any week now — thanks, Marvel!). It is almost impossible for a kid to become a fan these days. Of the movies? Yes. The cartoons? Yes. The comics? Nope.

Likewise, there are no kids in this audience (to be fair, it’s 1:45 on a Wednesday). No teenagers. There are old men (a couple of REALLY old men) and men my age (one even has a female with him!) and that’s it. As I sit down, the commercials start.

I used to drive my dad’s old BMW. It broke down one night on the way back to college. On I-95. It was freezing and I had volunteered to give some friends a ride thereby screwing up many people’s evening plans.

BMW’s nine-minute (more like NEIN-minute, am I right?) commercial with the drawing of the circles and then the car drives in the circles? Worse. I vaguely remember Mike (or maybe Ian?) cheering me up in the office of the guy that towed the car. No one cheered me up when I watched this ad again (it ran TWICE). And Sean Taylor’s commercial for Enzo’s STILL HAS NOT BEEN AIRING (to my knowledge). Make some calls, Sean.

Another observation: Why is it that whenever they want you to know your theater is equipped with high-quality picture or high-quality sound, they show you a blurry tornado of color and loud screeches of noise?

I really am an old man before my time.

My pregnant wife! Hurry! We have to go see a movie! Let me push you in a chair and then drive into our bushes! Have you miscarried yet? RUN! The movie is starting soon! And I obviously care more about my whore mother than my wife and jostled child! And it’s a good thing the cop chased us here for the movie that’s sold out but that he has a ticket to! And now my mom is going to make out with the cop! Movietickets dot com, seriously, cut it out.

TRAILERS

Angels & Demons (Da Vinci Code 2: The Rise of the Illuminati) actually looks good. I missed part of the trailer because Bill O’Reilly was in the front row and he started screaming, “Why do Ron Howard and Tom Hanks hate God?” over and over until {the retarded lady that asks everyone where they’re going even though the ticket-ripper tells each person where to go when they first enter and it’s not a complex floor plan at all} and {the two guys who text and talk {sports and bling} all day and occasionally sweep popcorn around the carpet} made him leave. This is a movie that will be #1 soon, so I’m looking forward to that week.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra has a pretty trailer. But right away I thought, “This looks nice, but… why does a G.I. Joe movie need this much CGI?” And then in big letters I was answered: From the director of The Mummy. Yeah. On the one hand, the movie is based on the comics NOT the cartoon, which is great! But Marlon Wayans in a suit that gives him super-powers? Anybody have an issue number for me? I’m lost. It feels like all of the special effects are cool, but nothing (besides the moment Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow see the same markings on each other’s blades for the first time) felt G.I. Joe- specific. Were this a run-of-the-mill Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson movie, I’d have thought, “Wow! That looks like silly fun!” but when you cast the kid from 3rd Rock From The Sun as Cobra Commander and Doctor Who as Destro? Maybe, you know, we could see them as we remember them? Destro in a helmet maybe? Just for a second? Or Cobra Commander… at all? No? Well, thanks for the shot of Dennis Quaid where he looked like he’s smelling poop (see: Dennis Quaid when he isn’t smiling) and the woman standing behind him solely to be flatteringly lit! I say this is the first Fill In The Blanks Movie of 2009.

Unless Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen comes out first. The second movie in a row to be based on action figures (look for Voltron, Candyland, Stretch Armstrong, My Little Pony and whatever else movie executives used to play with COMING SOON!), this is a loud ugly mash-up of jump-cuts of clanging metal and screaming and running. I am not looking forward to its #1 weekend(s). Good to see Barton Fink playing to the height of his abilities again (will the space-car make space-doodies on him this time?).

I should also note that for the last three weeks, I’ve seen my afternoon movie on the big screen at the Pavilion. It isn’t IMAX, but it also isn’t one of the tiny screens the art films get shown on. Which makes me think this whole “see the movie that did the most business last weekend” idea is sound.

THE MOVIE

We open with a loud noise. I’m thinking if I were a fan, I’d recognize it. But I don’t, so it’s just a loud noise. There’s a ship and it has troubles with another ship. The second ship? EXAMPLE 1 OF T.T.T.K.M.I.M.S.F.M. (the thing that kills me in many science-fiction movies). I don’t care what year it is or what planet we’re on: there is absolutely no reason to build a ship that looks like that. It’s structurally unsound. I imagine (and I’m using almost 35 years of life to base it on) that the future is about minimalizing. Making things simpler. Easier. Faster. More efficient. Many sci-fi (or is it now SyFy?) films show things as different in the future, but less efficient. That’s ridiculous to me.

[SIDE NOTE: I love Clifton Collins, Jr. and have for years. Not only is he a great actor, but even in ridiculous make-up there's no mistaking whose mouth that is. I just read that back and feel the need to remind you -- and myself -- that I am happily married to someone with lady parts.]

Eric Bana, however, is not as recognizable. In fact, I’m pretty sure that for at least half the film, Tom Cruise was his stand-in (on many apple crates).

Gee, the captain of that doomed ship sure sits in that chair like Shatner did. Is that… our Kirk? No… it’s Kirk’s father! OMG! And his mom is totally having him in a rocket that’s escaping a doomed ship! While there’s a battle! Cut to woman birthing! Cut to lasers! Nurses! Explosions! Screaming mother! Dying father! More lasers! Baby boy! J.J. Abrams has issues!

[SIDE NOTE: You know your husband is about to die. Don't ask him what to name the baby. Name the baby after him. No brainer. B'also? If your dying husband asks you to name him Jim before 'sploding? Don't name him James. No brainer.]

We meet young James Tiberius Kirk while he’s taking his stepfather’s antique auto for a joyride. His father (voiced by Heroes‘ Greg Grunberg!) calls him on the future-car-phone to chastise him, but James hangs up and blasts… “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys? Really? And a cop tries to pull him over b’instead? He jumps out of the car as it skids off of a gigantic cliff. The cop was on a hoverbike (and could therefore catch up easily). And I discover that after knowing him for 4 minutes, I hate new Kirk. He’s a douchebag.

Then we meet young Spock. He lives on Vulcan where… buildings hang underneath cliffs? Really? That makes sense to people in the future? To hang buildings under cliffs and not connect them to, say, the ground? EXAMPLE 2 OF T.T.T.K.M.I.M.S.F.M. (“Hey, J.J.? You know how Vulcan is supposed to be different than Earth?” “Yeah?” “Wull, what if the buildings were like bats?” “Does that make sense?” “Uh… no… but buildings on Earth make sense, so not making sense would be different. Right?” “Great job!”)

Young Spock is picked on by his Vulcan peers because they have no emotions but he is half-human and therefore has emotions. And yet, they pick fights with him. Is that logical? I mean… racism (or speciesism) is illogical. So… why are they picking on Spock? Even worse is the fact that, when we meet the boy who would be Sylar, he explains that this is the 35th time they are trying to elicit an emotional response and that they will never succeed. Then one of them says something about his mother being inferior because she’s an earthling and he responds emotionally (if only they had figured out that his mother was the thing that would get a rise out of him, it might not have taken so long!). We meet Spock’s parents. His father is… Ben Cross?!? And his mother is Winona Ryder?!? Good lord, poor Winona has the old tired eyes of a 70-year-old heroin addict. I hope that’s make-up.

And Sylar is now Spock. And I realize that J.J. Abrams is a shrewd businessman. Dig this:

Star Trek has a rabid fan base. The reboot is populated almost entirely by people that have been part of projects with similar cult-like fan bases. Ben Cross (Dark Shadows), Chris Pine (Fantastic Four), Zachary Quinto (Heroes) Simon Pegg (Spaced, Shaun of the Dead), John Cho (Harold & Kumar), Leonard Nimoy (an episode of The Simpsons) even Tyler “Madea” Perry (Fat-Suit Passion Play V: Oh No She Dih-ih!) has been given lines. It’s almost as if Abrams wanted to make sure that every nerd base was covered when putting the poster together.

Anyhoodles, Spock stands before the Kryptonian Science Council (or a Vulcan equivalent) and is accepted into the special place for smart Vulcans. But the head of the council gives him a back-handed compliment and Spock decides to join Starfleet instead. He tells the council to “live long and prosper” in one of many, many, many shout-outs to fans. At least in this case, Abrams has tweaked it to resemble the old Woody Allen line (“The other day a guy hit my car with his and I said unto him, ‘be fruitful and multiply’ but not in those words.”)

And if Spock is a man now (barely) than has Kirk aged similarly? Yes! And now he’s The Human Torch! We’re in a bar and here’s EXAMPLE 3 OF T.T.T.K.M.I.M.S.F.M.: bar glasses. In the future, bars will serve beer in a thin glass about 9 inches tall, but with the bottom of the glass two inches from the table it rests on. So you get only 7 inches of beer. By my own logic, that would imply that beer is stronger in the future. Which makes sense. But that glass is different, yes, but impractical.

Jim hates his father. Maybe if his mother had named him after his dad, he’d feel differently? Luckily, a Starfleet Captain broke up a fight he was in and spent the night drinking with him. He challenges him to follow in his father’s footsteps by leaving for Starfleet Academy the following morning. So (to spite the captain or his father or me), he does. But he doesn’t pack bags or change hos clothing from the night before which is ridiculous.

And who sits next to him on the shuttle? A doctor complaining that his wife “took the whole planet in the divorce and left him with nothing but his bones!” And that’s how McCoy got the nickname (I guess). Fade to bleech.

THREE YEARS LATER

We’re back with Bana and Collins, the baddies who killed Kirk’s dad. They’re waiting for something. It’s very loud. That viewscreen would be easier to use and see if there wasn’t so much crap dangling everywhere on your ship, dummy! Meanwhile, Kirk is having sex with a green-skinned lady (get it, fans?).

Kirk cheats on his final and is brought in front of the Kryptonian Science Council (or the Starfleet equivalent) where he must answer to Tyler Perry. Spock designed the test to be impossible, but Kirk reprogrammed the system to help him ace it. They are each presenting Tyler with their views. Then Spock makes a snide remark about a captain not being able to cheat death, just like Kirk’s father (Now it is Spock who is the bully! Emotional and illogical!).

[SIDE NOTE: Everything flies in the future. Why are there still bridges?]

Also, the relationship between Uhura and Spock? Don’t make no sense. B’also? He’s her teacher. That’s not frowned on in the future?

Now we see the uniforms. Like the titular hero of Bryan Singer’s homo-erotic/messianic reboot Superman Returns, our heroes’ outfits are designed out of fabric made up of 1,000,000 miniature Star Trek logos.

Were I a fan, I might also find New Chekhov’s accent a fitting tribute to whoever played him before, but I’m not. So it was horribly distracting. In what part of Russia is “Victor” pronounced “Wictor”?

Oh, Isabella Rossellini is in this? Holy fuck! That’s Winona Ryder again! So haggard!

I just realized that Bruce Greenwood (the captain that convinced Kirk to join and the captain of the ship Spock, McCoy, Uhura, Sulu and Kirk are all currently on) was in Thirteen Days! The ship is being captained by JFK!

Enter Chopper. I mean Tom Cruise. I mean Eric Bana. He contacts JFK. He asks JFK who he is.

“Christopher Pike, Captain of the Enterprise.”

“Hi, Christopher. I’m Nero.”

[SIDE NOTE: Every person in the theater found this exchange to be laughably awful, especially considering that Nero is super-evil.]

Nero sends Collins to fetch the red matter (what is this, Angels & Demons?) and JFK puts Spock in charge and stowaway Kirk (long story) is the new First Mate (or whatever it’s called). So, here’s the crew of the Enterpise and how they got there. McCoy because the first doctor died. Kirk because he stowed away on the ship and was able to make a connection that 20 other people should have made already. Uhura because she has Spock wrapped around her finger and forced him to change her assignment. Sulu because the first guy has “lungworm.” So many odd coincidences! And Spock and Kirk (who hate each other) are forced to be teammates (it honestly felt like the beginning of most Kirk/Spock “slash fiction” stories… or so I’d imagine).

And again, Russians never say “zee” instead of “the” or “Qwerk” instead of “Kirk.” Just because someone did a shitty accent 40 years ago doesn’t mean you have to do a shitty one now, Chekhov. Fans would have been OK with a couple of Kiptin!’s.

Now Kirk, Sulu and Olsen put on the suits from the G.I. Joe trailer (great cross-promotion!) and try to destroy the jammer Nero is using on Vulcan. The jammer is a drill. It is lowered from the ship on a fairly thin mangle of wires and bullshit (EXAMPLE 4 OF T.T.T.K.M.I.M.S.F.M.). John Cho demonstrates here why he gets top billing (and also the alphabetical order and Eric Bana opting for a “and Eric Bana” credit at the end). Great scene with Kirk and Sulu. Where’s Olsen? Um… his suit was red (get it, fans?).

Back on the Enterprise, there’s an old Jew! A lady with a giant Afro! If only the Roddenberrys could see their dream of a multi-culti spaceship finally coming to fruition kind of! And Chekhov having the epiphany that he needs to run to another part of the ship to manually teleport people screaming “I can do zat!” over and over was painful.

Holy shit! Chekhov killed Spock’s mom! Nice ret-con, J.J.!

EXAMPLE 5 OF T.T.T.K.M.I.M.S.F.M.: the blatant metaphors for humanity. “Vulcan is populated by 6,000,000,000 Vulcans!” Where have I heard that before? What has 6,000,000,000 people on its planet? God, I should know this…

Uhura kissing Spock? Ruh. Dih. Q. Lus.

This is the actual no-foolin’ dialogue following her hugging and kissing the barely-reciprocating Vulcan.

“What do you need? Tell me.”

“I need… everyone to continue performing admirably.”

Followed by more kisses. Boo.

[SIDE NOTE: Nero has been chilling in the past for so long, he had time to shoot a mini-origin story for himself on hologram. Seriously! He shows JFK! It's as silly as it sounds.]

For no logical reason, “Bones” yells, “Damn it, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a _____” (get it, fans?)

We also learn that Nero is the reason the current crew isn’t going through what the original crew went through — his destruction of Kirk, Sr.’s ship was due to him travelling into the past, thereby creating an alternate timeline. You with me? Excellent.

Hey, fans! Did you see Spock use the Vulcan nerve pinch on Kirk? Wasn’t that awesome, fans? Yawn.

Wait a minute. Spock is mad at Kirk (who destroyed the jamming device and is responsible for ALMOST saving Vulcan instead of no one knowing it was in danger, so Spock shoots Kirk onto an ice planet where he is almost killed by a poorly thought-out space crab/spider monster that has ten legs and no traction? Spock is a total douchebag. What does Uhura see in him? And who will save Kirk?

Leonard Nimoy, of course. Nero put Spock on this planet so he could watch Vulcan be destroyed. There’s a Starfleet outpost nearby and I guess he could have tried to save Vulcan, but whatevs. He has a nice cave. And fire.

Turns out Spock accidentally sent Nero to the past. Holy shit! Spock killed Kirk’s father! Nice ret-con, J.J.!

EXAMPLE 6 OF T.T.T.K.M.I.M.S.F.M.: Hundreds of years from now, people in space will say, “You know we have a saying on Earth…” followed by things that have never and will never be said on Earth. Bones just yelled, “You know we have a saying on Earth: If you’re gonna ride in the Kentucky Derby, you don’t leave your prize stallion in the stable!” Let’s try some more ourselves! “If you’re gonna super-size your fries, you don’t leave your wallet on the train tracks!” “If you wanna win the game, you don’t spend months teaching the other players how to beat you at the game you’re going to play against them!” “If you want an egg roll, you don’t order a pizza from a Mexican restaurant in Cairo!”

That was fun. Speaking of which, with not much time left, here comes Simon Pegg. And he may sound like Wee Hughie from The Boys, but he is a joy to watch as Scotty. “Are you from the future? Do they still have samwitches there?” He’s the highlight of the movie (for me, at least). What sucks is that Scotty is credited with discovering the way to teleport onto a ship that is moving at warp speed. But he learns it from NimoySpock. Who learned it from Scotty in the future. Nice ret-con, J.J.!

But then he gets teleported into the inert reactant tubes that feed into something or other… looks like EXAMPLE 7 OF T.T.T.K.M.I.M.S.F.M., as the inner workings of the Enterprise look similar to the hull of the Titanic. Luckily, Kirk pushes the button that opens a hatch and Scotty falls 30 feet to the floor (following a solid minute underwater in a pipe). But he’s OK.

SylarSpock finds out that Kirk is on the ship and tells his security guards to “set phasers on stun” (get it, fans?). One of the guards, who Kirk was fighting in that bar 3 years ago finds Kirk and Scotty and HE DOESN’T STUN THEM. He hates Kirk, Spock gave him permission to stun him and he has him dead to rights, but he doesn’t fire. Very frustrating.

NimoySpock tells Kirk that he needs to get a rise out of SylarSpock so that he’ll relieve himself of duty and Kirk will be the guy in charge of the ship. He might have mentioned that all Kirk needs to do is talk about how human his mother was and he’ll go coo-coo bananas, but whatevs. He gets a rise out of SylarSpock, who resigns and now Kirk is BMOC. And he sits in the chair like Shatner (get it, fans?).

So in addition to the ret-conning on crew members killing each others’ parents and being Starfleet’s second choices across the board, Kirk is now Captain Kirk because Spock punched him and resigned and JFK made Kirk second in command.

Kirk and Spock teleport onto Nero’s ship to save JFK. They appear in the middle of 10 evil people, but since the ship is structurally challenged, they don’t get killed, find cover 1,000 yards away and kill everyone. Yawn. Oh, I should note that Kirk makes a jump and winds up in the exact same position he was in when he drove that car off that cliff… nice foreshadowing, J.J.!

They find NimoySpock’s ship and Spock sits in the pilot’s chair and it moves slowly around so that he is facing the controls of the ship. SylarSpock’s response? “Fascinating.” (GET. IT. FANS?)

More catchphrases. Scotty, Chekhov, yawn. I think the fans are placated, J.J. Howzabout you just finish this so we can all go home?

EXAMPLE 8 OF T.T.T.K.M.I.M.S.F.M.: breaking your own rules. A single drop of “red matter” destroyed Vulcan. A gigantic ball of red matter (maybe 100,000,000,000,000 drops?) is detonated, but it doesn’t destroy 100,000,000,000,000 times as much stuff. Not even close. Boo.

Then SylarSpock sees NimoySpock and thinks it’s his dad and he says, “Father?” and NimoySpock sloooooooowly turns and answers, “I am not our father.” He also gives SylarSpock the EXACT SAME advice that Ben Cross gave him over 3 years ago. “Put aside logic and do what feels right.” Maybe if he hears it from himself it’ll take?

[SIDE NOTE: How come whenever SylarSpock does the Vulcan hand thing with the fingers, he's shot at a weird angle? Because he can't do it. Abrams had to glue his fingers together. So lame.]

The movie ends (seemingly for the eighth time) with NimoySpock doing the old TV intro. I wonder if that was added so the fans would have something to notice.

Honestly? It was fun. Someone said that now, Star Trek fans no longer have to be ashamed around Star Wars fans. And despite finding that sentence hilarious for many reasons, I agree. This is easily the best Star Trek movie I’ve seen and I’d happily see a sequel. As long as Sulu and Scotty get more to do. And Uhura and Spock don’t make out anymore. And they explain why JFK’s blood was green.

Overall, a B+

Nice movie, J.J.!