Archive for May 18th, 2009

Tanned, rested and ready.

Firstly, I need to share something from LAST Sunday’s paper (5/10). Kyle Smith (the movie critic) gets to share his right-wing opinions every Sunday and I was kind of floored by this one. “A wife less ordinary” begins thusly:

“John and Elizabeth Edwards have proven themselves the perfect match. On the one hand, you’ve got a lying, hypocritical, power-hungry narcissist. And then there’s her husband.”

That’s the bolded first paragraph. But, expecting many to share my reaction (“Wow.”), Kyle follows that with “Yes, I’ve heard she has cancer. I think it might have been mentioned on the campaign trail once or twice, in 2008. ‘Vote for me, my wife has cancer!’”

Oh, Kyle. Save some of that wit for your movie reviews! And on behalf of Mr. Edwards (who I’m not really a big fan of anymore) and myself, let me add, “You’re a dick, my wife has cancer!”

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I’m watching episodes of Daisy of Love online as I read/write and Teresa, you’re welcome. Add another notch to the bedpost tally of bullets I’m taken for you (also, just to be safe, call Dr. Ehrlich*). I’m really mad at you, Bethany.

I mean, what does that say about Daisy that New York (the whore, not the city or state) attracted smarter men than her? And I’m including Flavor Flav.

* Dr. Ehrlich’s Magic Bullet? No? Sigh…

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Here’s an abbreviated rundown of what I learned from yesterday’s paper:

* Michael Jackson has skin cancer on his upper body and pre-cancerous cells on what’s left of his face.

* A 66-year-old in England went to a fertility clinic in the Ukraine to get in vitro fertilization — because the clinics in her homeland don’t treat patients over 50 (if by some miracle this woman’s baby isn’t profoundly handicapped, at the very least, it’ll get to bury its mother before it heads to college) (Apocalypto notwithstanding)

* 212 and 917 are sold out. 718 and 347 will be sold out by late 2011. Hey, New York! Guess who’s getting a FIFTH area code soon!

* J. Ezra Merkin (he convinced members of his synagogue to invest with his pal Bernie Madoff — the temple members’ estimated losses: $2,000,000,000) is about to become the temple’s chairman. One temple-goer said of the man who shares his name with a pubic wig, “When he stands and holds the Torah, people want to throw up.”

* Is Madonna marrying Jesus Lite (sorry, Jesus Luz)? Oh, I surely hope so!

* Martin Scorsese is looking for someone to play a young Frank Sinatra. He wants Johnny Depp or James Franco. Or Mark Wahlberg. Or Jake Gyllenhaal. Or Justin Timberlake. Or Michael Buble. Or Jon Hamm. Hey, Marty? Call Toby Huss.

* Porn imitates “art” imitating life! Former California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey is starring in a brand new porno that combines America’s love of schadenfreude with America’s love of masturbating: Celebrity Pornhab with Dr. Screw (see what they did there?) is expected to hit viewing booths sometime… oh who cares.

* The University of Arizona is even more pathetic than I imagined.

* Buzz Aldrin thinks we should partner up our space program with China’s (he was playing solitaire as he expressed this).

* A man who faxed his hospitalized and dying wife that he wanted a divorce (and who shares [more than just] his name with a small lizard) called Nancy Pelosi’s accusation that the CIA misled the House, “…the most despicable, dishonest and vicious political effort I’ve seen in my lifetime.” (and if you mix up the letters in his last name [and add 2 excalmation marks], they spell “I, GRINCH! G!”

* I didn’t read the story very carefully, but either Marlo Thomas is Jewish or Arkansas State Senator Kim Hendren is a phenomenal douchebag (or both).

* Terminator: Salvation is part one of a trilogy.

* Don’s date didn’t go well because his date had an “inability to catch my humor. For example, I explained that I switched majors to Communication Arts because many people told me I have a great voice for radio and I would always tell them, ‘What? My face isn’t pretty enough for TV?’ That comment, with several others, flew right over her head and piled up behind her in the booth.” Don will die cold and alone (in an oddly-shaped booth).

* While I wasn’t looking, the Yankees managed to hurdle over .500 again.

* A-Rod even hit a walk-off home-run!

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And then we’re at today. Back feels much much better. Not 100%, but a vast improvement over the last few weeks. So relieved. So so relieved. And thank you, America, for making Angels & Demons the #1 movie of the weekend. I should be able to run errands and catch the 2:00 movie (knocks e-wood). I thought Star Trek had a shot at staying on top, but they missed by $5,000,000 or so (give or take).

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Let me be clear: I am pro-gay marriage as a noun, anti-gay marriage as a verb (unless used for comic effect).

“I believe in gay marriage.” (pro)

“If this state starts to gay marry, I’m moving!” (anti)

“I want to gay marry whoever invented ice cream.” (pro)

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An assistant principal in Queens is the city’s first known H1N1 casualty. Not very epidemic, but sad nonetheless. Maybe, in his honor, I’ll sneak bacon into the movie…

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Ridership on subway dwindling? REALLY? Well… does it say why? I mean… is it the fare hikes? The service cuts? The smell of fecal matter? The rats? The intermittent trains? The loudspeakers that loudly emit noises that may have started as English words but have somehow become gibberished taunts somewhere along the way?

MTA, I hate you.

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Maureen Dowd used a paragraph from Talking Points Memo “virtually word-for-word” in her New York Times column. She has since apologized for the error. But she claims that she never read the blog where the sentence first appeared. She claims she heard the words from a friend. Sure, you Dowd. Did. Sorry.

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David Cross, 45, was seen making out with his girlfriend, Amber Tamblyn, 26.

Mr. Show and Joan of Arcadia? Only in America.

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GQ has a nice piece on Rumsfeld. And by nice piece, I mean that I didn’t think I could hate hi more than I did.

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Page 25. Good Christ.

Full color giant photo of Mason Reese. Remember him? In the 70’s he was in almost every commercial. In fact, Mr. Show’s story of Josh “It’s Pumpkininny!” Fenderman is based (in part) on Reese’s “borgasmord” commercials.

So adorable.

Here’s what he looks like today.

Love the Big Apple Conventions pass.

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Of 118 consumer monthlies monitored by MIN, 8 posted gains. People’s Style Watch is up 16% and Successful Farming is up 10%. I understand the latter and am puzzled by the former.

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We’re only a game and a half behind Boston? Huh. 20-17 doesn’t feel so bad after all.

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And we’re not only on a 5-game winning streak — the last THREE games have had walk-off home runs. Yesterday it was Damon (Friday it was Leche). I think I’ll try and watch/listen to the game tonight.

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Off to bank and Target in the hopes that I can get home with the spoils and over to the movie by 2.

Kisses!!!