Just heard through the grapevine that Horace Mann has closed down until next Tuesday because of swine flu. Because someone has it? Because they’re afraid someone might? I don’t know. I called my mother, who teaches at the elementary school, and her phone is off (it saves the battery).

Sigh.

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Speaking of which, the assistant principal who recently died (we’re assuming) from swine flu was memorialized in front of his school (which is closed due to seemingly substantiated swine flu fears), where “his wife, Bonnie, mingled with kids, parents and former students.”

Good thinking, folks. Stand in front of the closed school and hug the dead guy’s wife. That’ll put an end to that pesky bug!

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Speaking of rapidly-spreading diseases, Bill Clinton is expected to be named envoy to Haiti, which is my favorite Crosby/Hope movie.

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At bodybuilding events in Flanders last year, 75% of those competing failed drug tests.

This year at the Belgian bodybuilding championships, when doping officials arrived, all 20 of the competitors grabbed their personal belongings and ran away. Seriously. The championships were cancelled because every competitor ran away.

Stupid Flanders.

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Duke University Medical Center researchers have discovered that rhesus monkeys can learn from their mistakes. How? By playing a game with them “similar to the TV show Deal or No Deal.” Someone call PETA. Now.

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Are women inferior to men? Yes. The proof? Cigarettes kill women faster than they kill men.

Thanks for the tip, Dr. Inga-Cecilie Soerheim!

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The more I read about NBC’s Farrah Fawcett Cancer Spectacular and Ryan O’Neal and Alana Stewart, the more I wish they would all just die (so Farrah could rest and the rest could just go away). Ryan is allegedly shopping a sequel.

I understand, Tatum. I understand.

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Stop me if you’ve heard this one.

Guy walks into the ER at Montefiore. Says, “Doc, you gotta help me. I feel like I’m dying.” Doctor says, “It’s probably just a bad case of the flu. You’ll be fine in 5-7 days.”

Four days later, the guy goes back to the ER. He says, “It’s not getting any better.” So they do a blood test and discover he had a staph infection that was affecting his heart. Two days later he was having heart surgery to replace a valve.

When he woke up, one of the doctors told him that, when he had come into the ER for the second time, he was “30 minutes from death.”

This makes me think of Teresa’s and my recent medical experiences and also the movie Class Action. I wonder if, in an overcrowded ER (which they all are), doctors are told that for certain symptoms (like the ones Emanuel Badger had at Montefiore), bed rest should be recommended and they should be sent home because 95% of them will be OK and it isn’t worth the time and effort to distinguish who that other 5% is. Je suis un cynic.

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Israel is warning that terrorist groups are infiltrating social networks like Facebook.

While I don’t like that, I hate those fucking quizzes even more.

Really? That’s which episode of The Golden Girls you “are”?

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There’s a civil-rights lawsuit being filed against the po-po by the Gordon family.

Elizabeth Gordon, 71, and her daughter Sharon, 41, went to the 107th precinct to press assault charges against someone who Sharon’s kids claimed hit them on a city bus. The officer told them that the case dictated harassment charges, not assault. So Sharon pushed a cop and Elizabeth took a swing at a police captain, fell, and hurt her hip.

Good luck with that lawsuit, girls. B’also? If anyone finds footage of this? Please to give me.

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Is A-Rod having sex with Kate Hudson? Yes, but he’s closing his eyes and picturing Goldie Hawn when he does.

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Mel Gibson’s Russian girlfriend is three months pregnant! With his baby!

Finally — something Mel can’t blame on us!

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At a Yankees game this week, Larry King will be asked to throw out the first pitch.

Unless he is pitching from home plate, I don’t think it’ll get to the catcher on less than 12 bounces.

The man is 307.

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Woody Allen agreed to a $5,000,000 settlement of his $10,000,000 lawsuit against American Apparel.

I can no longer easily find Vice Magazine at any of AA’s NYC locations, so… good.

Incidentally, this is the largest invasion of privacy payout since Tom Waits got $2,100,000 from California (they used his voice in a radio ad).

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When I was a kid, I remember toll baskets having a “NO PENNIES” sign. But people are paying their toll at the Verrazano Bridge in pennies and the MTA is OK with that.

Sources say that the booth attendants don’t count the pennies, they just dump them in a giant plastic bag.

The MTA is a well-oiled machine. That needs to be ignited and dismantled and replaced.

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HAHAHAHAHA! The guys from Scrubs are dressed up like the guys from CHiPs for a photo shoot! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Now I’ve seen everything.

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A man called the police after he told his son he needed to clean his room and his son “threw a plate of food and made a fist at me.” The man later declined to press charges because he didn’t want to hurt his son’s political career.

The man’s son is a 28-year-old school board member.

Teresa, cross Ohio off the list.

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Can FOX’s line-up get any worse? I mean, they give good animation and I love House, but almost everything else is painful.

Well, here comes… Brothers!

One’s in a wheelchair! One’s Michael Strahan! And together, they’re… brothers! Boy oh boy, if that’s the situation, I can’t wait for the comedy!

I give it five weeks.

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A feature about how sexy the new Jets quarterback is? Hmmm. Sounds sleazy. What’s it called?

Flirty Sanchez

God, how I hate this paper.

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Brian Niemietz suggests to Mr. Sanchez that he should hang out with David Cross (so people would know who the funny friend was and who was the hunk…???). He continues, “No doubt some trust-fund art student down there will try switching the topic to the musings of Rene Descartes when girls are around. Punch him in the face. There isn’t a cop in town who’ll arrest the Jets’ starting quarterback.”

Fucking punch smart people in their faces! And hang out with ugly people! Here’s a photo I found of you on the Post’s website, Brian!

You’re wearing lady clothes! And the ladies are all posing about it! LOL!!!

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Yanks have won 6 in a row. We’re now 21-17.

Boston lost last night. They’re 22-16.

Toronto is in a sissy country and are 27-14.

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Wang may not be returning anytime soon. Gardner may be out for a while, too. Then there’s Posada, Molina, Bruney…

This happens every year, but every year it feels like the first time (wailing guitar).

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Are you ready to attend this Monday’s WWE Memorial Day Raw event at the Denver Pepsi Center? You are? Tough.

See, the Denver Nuggets have to play game 4 of their conference finals then. Yes, the man who owns the Nuggets and the Pepsi Center booked the WWE event last August, but he couldn’t have dreamed that his team might actually be, you know, good.

Who will win? Stay tuned!

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And if you’re thinking about having kids but want to be petrified out of the idea, tune into a double-feature tonight on Showtime. At 7, see what enrolling your child in preschool has become in Nursery University. Then at 8:30, watch a baby come out of Ricki Lake’s vagina in The Business of Being Born.

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Two last things:

1) We watched the CGI Beowulf this weekend (the Gaiman/Zemeckis one) and I have to say, it was really really awful. Like a video game that someone else was playing. A very boring video game.

2) Guess who Julie Taymor wants to play the Green Goblin in her Broadway faggotization of Spider-Man. Go on, guess. Did you guess Alan Cumming? Then you’re right! I wonder if he’ll sing “I’m Goblin, Cock!” to his sidekick, Cock.

See you tomorrow!