Archive for May 20th, 2009

Stupid fine print.

20th May
2009
written by jed

I never thought to check the ingredients on a package of chicken breasts, but I’m glad I did before cooking them. Turns out they’re “salted and rinsed.” While I find that imagery disturbing (albeit deliciously so), I worried that the salt might be iodized and made some half-assed fried rice for dinner instead (Teresa walked in, adds 3 ingredients and made it outstanding, as she does with most things).

But Trader Joe’s has a policy: You can return anything anytime for any reason. Which means that, if you shop at the TJ on Atlantic and Court, you might want to avoid the chicken (or maybe I should slip a treasure map into the package and reader can try and find my returned breasts (also the title of Christina Applegate’s new bio) (too soon?).

But enough about that stuff. Let’s look at this stuff!

New York wants to put a $0.05 deposit on water bottles. Nestle Waters North America have filed claims that they believe that would be illegal for New York to do.

If I were Nestle Waters, I would stop singing that “La da di, la da da, la da di, la da da” song. B’also? I would be so thrilled that people were buying water from me (even though it flows freely in their homes) that I’d happily help New York raise money with a nickel deposit. And then I would have some chocolate and shut up.

Are you sitting down? Well, put something heavy in your lap because when you read this next item, you’ll want to jump through the roof with anticipatory glee.

NOT A HOAX! NOT AN IMAGINARY STORY! NOT A PARALLEL UNIVERSE!

In Archie Comics #600, Archie will look into his own future and see himself propose to… OMG! IS IT BETTY OR VERONICA?!?!?!?! August?!? I have to wait until August to find out if he chooses the billionairess who treats him like shit or the poor affectionate one?!?

“One thing is certain: This will be the biggest Archie Comics story ever!”

One other thing is also for certain: That’s what you said about Archie vs. The Punisher and that book sucked. Fool me once, Archie Comics… putting food on your families… misunderestimate… we don’t get fooled again.

Oooooo… what if he chooses Jughead?

What’s the difference between a Mets fan and a Yankees fan?

A Yankee fan makes regular trips to the dentist while a Mets fan will spend hours with their arm stuck in a public toilet trying to retrieve their gold tooth that fell in.

At least, that’s what an unidentified woman did at ShitiField (Shea + Citi = Shiti) last Wednesday.

She didn’t get the tooth back, but she did get to spend the day on the floor of  public bathroom. With her arm in the toilet.

Go Mets.

My mother’s school was closed NOT because of swine flu, but because so many kids were getting regular flu that they decided to give everyone 4 days of rest (including the high school kids who are studying for finals). The Post quotes an HM student as saying, “We’re happy! Now I can play some golf!” I want to say it was a high school student, but you never know with Horace Mann…

A parent was also quoted as saying, “I think it’s nuts! They’re panicking.” She went on to explain that Horace Mann is closing only because they want to avoid legal liability.

$20 says she’s an attorney who specializes in liability.

Danny DeVito is directing a movie about the life of Crazy Eddie.

Does this mean that grey turtlenecks and black blazers are coming back into style?

Insaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane.

Michael Steele, the Republican Party Chairman, explains why Obama is popular.

“He’s young. He’s cool. He’s hip… he’s got all the qualities America likes in a celebrity, so of course he’s going to be popular.”

Are we back to this again, Michael? Really? That’s the best you can do? It shouldn’t be hard to find something better to use against Obama. Here. Let’s check your Wikipedia page, Mike. Maybe… oh, boy.

Anyone who wants to see what kind of man Michael Steele is, look into his September 26, 2002 debate. Five days after the debate, he claimed that one or more Oreos had rolled to his feet during the debate (no one else that attended noticed and reviewing the footage turned up nothing). Three years after that, The Boy Who Cried Racism claimed that supporters of his opponent were throwing Oreos at him (“It was raining Oreos… They were thick in the air like locusts. I was there. It was very real. It wasn’t subtle.”)

I’ll take a celebrity like Obama over a celebrity like Tawana Brawley any day of the week, Mr. Steele.

(Bonus question: What was the thing many used to enter the subway system prior to the advent of the MetroCard?)

Sunday marks the last day that cars will be allowed on Broadway between 42nd & 47th and between 32nd & 35th.

Nice. Except… cars had traffic lights. Pedestrians in those areas are European gawkers that like to walk 5 abreast and point at clouds. Is the car ban going to make walking through that area easier or more distasteful?

Time will tell.

Mickey Rourke went to lunch in Beverly Hills with his pet cockatoo.

Mickey, I’m telling you this as a friend: If you die in the next year, you will be revered and remembered fondly. If you continue to live, you will wind up re-entering obscurity and rehab.

B’also? Good job on avoiding Bai Ling for so long!

Hayden Panettiere has a misspelled tattoo running down her back.

It’s s’posed to say “live without regrets” in Italian.

The irony, she is so (how you say?) thick.

Shooting starts in September for the Sex and the City sequel.

Aim for the horse.

Lindsay Lohan wants to play Stevie Nicks.

Isn’t that what she’s been doing for three years? Sam Ronson looks like Lindsey Buckingham, no?

If anyone was still wondering what killed Marilyn Chambers, it was “a cerebral hemorrhage and an aneurysm related to heart disease.” Which means that Bethany wins the betting pool for her answer (“some kind of meat”). You can pick up your prize in Morty’s office, Bethany.

A 47,000,000-year-old skeleton of a lemur monkey was just unveiled in Germany.

Not 4,700 years, Bible-thumpers. 47 MILLION years.

And that’s what gays want your kids to marry.

There will be a Ghostbusters III. It could start filming by winter.

How out-of-touch will this film be with what audiences want? When asked who Dan Aykroyd would want to join himself, Bill, Harold, Ernie and Sigourney (who are all confirmed), he replied, “Alyssa Milano and Eliza Dushku would be amazing.”

Can you change the channel on a movie that hasn’t even started shooting yet?

The Yankees have won SEVEN in a row (thanks, CC, A-Rod, Teixeira, Jeter and 3rd-string-catcher-guy!). We’re 11-7 at home and 11-10 on the road. Phil Hughes is on the mound tonight (but which one will pitch?). Hooray for baseball!

Gee… Ortiz isn’t having a good year… maybe he needs more steroids?

Law & Order WILL return for season 20, tying it with Gunsmoke. L & O: SVU will also return. 30 Rock will be back in seven months (Tina and Alec got films to shoot, yo!) and Southland was picked up as well (can we have more than 7 episodes this time, jerks?). Medium is done (heh), as is My Name Is Earl.

Oh — that shity sitcom with Michael Strahan I mentioned yesterday? Brothers? Guess who the brothers’ parents are.

Carl “Apollo Creed” Weathers and CCH “Detective Wyms” Pounder.

My heart is crying.

That’ll do it for today. I have poultry to return.

Happy Hump Day!

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