Archive for May 21st, 2009

Star Wars + Snatch = Amusement

21st May
2009
written by jed

You’re very welcome.

(NSFW)

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Terrorists vs. Jed’s Childhood: Part One

21st May
2009
written by jed

Motherfuckers tryin’a blow up Riverdale Temple and the Riverdale Jewish Center? I went to nursery school at RT, bitches, so you best come correct or ya best come strapped, y’heard?

Seriously though, as Moose himself once said, “Duh… stay out of Riverdale.”

I mean, what if their plan succeeded and in the future, Teresa and I get in a time machine and visit each others’ childhoods and then something happens and we get sent to the Riverdale Temple as the missile hits and then I help H.G. Wells find Jack the Ripper but before he can return the favor and find Teresa, Doc Brown explains that I have to go back in time because Marty’s mom is trying to have sex with Marty and if Chuck Berry doesn’t hear Michael J. Fox play his music, he’ll never write his music, which would mean the movie Cadillac Records never existed!?

Congratulations to Natalie Cole for getting a new kidney. She can now continue touring in support of her new album, Still Unforgettable.

I wonder if any ghosts sing on this one.

Your CDs and DVDs are about to get a whole lot obsoleter!

Some folks at Swinburne University of Technology in Australia claim that “by harnessing nanoparticles and a ‘polarization’ dimension to existing technology, a disc’s storage can be massively boosted to hold thousands of feature films or millions of songs.”

They have successfully stored 1.6 terabytes of data in a single DVD, which the potential to increase that to 10 terabytes.

At least one of these folks will die in an “accident” sometime next week. And then another will announce that they forgot to carry the four and that such a thing is impossible. And then he will die in an “accident.”

Andrew Giuliani (who continues to grow into his father’s ugly) is suing Duke University for “breach of contract” (he was kicked off the golf team because people refused to play with him and quit [on account of he was a phenomenal asshole]).

US Magistrate Judge Wallace Dixon wrote in an opinion that Andy’s argument “slices far from the fairway” and his use of Duke’s student policy manuals as evidence “is a swing and a miss.” He continued that one of Andy’s arguments “brings to mind Carl Spackler’s analysis from the movie Caddyshack: ‘He’s on his final hole. He’s about 455 yards away, he’s gonna hit about a 2 iron, I think.’”

I blame reality TV.

Congress (under a Senate proposal) would raise the federal excise tax on alcohol (up 145% to $3 for every case of beer; up 233% to $7 on a case of wine; and up 20% for the hard stuff) and they’re also looking to raise soda taxes.

So long as they don’t mess with crack prices, we’re good.

Moviefone had a poll that rated the best sci-fi movies of all time. And, according to people who are so empty inside that they spend their time answering Moviefone polls, Star Wars won Best Sci-Fi Movie of All Time, Best Robot (R2-D2), Best Alien (Yoda), Best Hero (Han Solo), Best Villain (Darth Vader) and (most importantly) Best Catchphrase (“May the Force be with you.”).

So empty inside.

Another child actor from Slumdog Millionaire had her home razed. Rubina Ali’s shanty has been dozed.

I really and truly believe that Danny Boyle cares about these people, but I’m not seeing a whole lot of support of late.

Jai ho.

Swizz Beatz is all about barring the public from his divorce proceedings, but his wife, Mashonda, says that no one would have even known about the proceedings if he and Alicia Keys hadn’t been making out all over town.

Mashonda’s attorney pointed out that Swizz “released a song implying that he likes it when Alicia serves him breakfast naked.”

Swizz, the court finds you nasty as charged.

OMG! The kid that everyone thought would win American Idol totally didn’t! It was the other kid! OMG!

HOW LONG UNTIL THE NEXT ROUND OF AUDITIONS?!?!?!?!?!?!

Speaking of the origins of Seacrest, Janice Thibodeaux, 33 and weighing 200-pounds, was so outraged that Simon Cowell jokingly choked Paula Abdul on last week’s show, that she decided to show Simon’s girlfriend why it isn’t polite to choke people.

“…I knew she was his girlfriend so I went up to her to tell her how I felt. We started arguing and then I put my hands around her neck and started choking her just like Simon had done to Paula. Then I walked away and I was tackled by the police, but I don’t regret wat I did because of what Simon did to Paula. Nobody seemed to care about that.”

We still don’t, actually, but at least Janice is in jail on $52,703 bail.

MTA Chairman Dale Hemmerdinger said that MTA construction chief Michael Horodniceanu “has, at least to me, signed in blood” that the Fulton Street Transit Center will be completed no later than June 2014.

1) If it isn’t finished by then, I’m pretty sure we can legally kill them both.

2) If you’re referring to the second guy and his wife, you would say The Horodniceanus, which is Ho Rod Nice Anus.

3) Don’t ever kill anyone unless it’s in self-defense, kids.


Michael Vick is under house arrest (not an ad for a Disney movie).

Once he was the highest-paid player in the NFL… now he has a probation officer that tells him when it’s OK for him to leave his house (he’s allowed to work a $10/hour construction job, so there’s that).

Poor Michael Vick.

A guy threw a nightstand into the road at Bedford and DeKalb. Cops asked him for ID. He replied, “Fuck you guys. You serve me.” He was later charged with reckless endangerment.

And, I would imagine, beaten with a sack of oranges.

It’s not irony, it’s… hmmm. You tell me.

At Belmont Park yesterday, City On Line (a horse) dumped its rider in the post parade, raced back to the saddling area and crashed (head-on, at full speed) into a statue of Secretariat. The statue survived (though its base was cracked in half).

But City On Line is dead.

What would you call that (besides a tragedy)?

Nick Swisher? Home run. Next batter.

Robbie Cano? Home run. Next batter.

Melky Cabrera? Home run.

Yankee fans have to go all the way back to 2005 for back-to-back-to-back dingers (it was Sheffield, Rodriguez, Matsui then).

Yanks win their EIGHTH in a row. Daddy like.

Larry King has been ignoring his son, Larry King, Jr., for 33 years.

But that’s OK. I’ve been ignoring Larry, Sr. for almost 35.

ABC passed on the Freddie Prinze, Jr. version of the Britcom, No Heroics.

And America is passing on Southland, which I will not accept.

Watch it tonight, damnit.

The weekend is roughly 30 hours away.

Have a good’un.

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