Archive for May 22nd, 2009

Don’t order naan, won’t be naan.

22nd May
2009
written by jed

According to the front page of today’s “newspaper,” those guys that were going to blow up Riverdale? They became radical Muslims while incarcerated. That’s right, people. The state prison system is to blame for domestic terrorists.

Maybe we should let everyone go?

Seriously, though, I would find fault with what pop culture glamorizes over a prison Koran. Thug life is glamorous. Someone was arrested last week for killing a clerk at a fast food restaurant and then surrendering to police — he didn’t even try to run. He just needed to “up his street cred.”

Murder? Bank robbery? So 2000. In the post-9/11 world, if you want the world to take notice of you, you have to do something extraordinary. Like blow up some synagogues.

It also helped that the imam of the mosque where these guys planned these attacks has been a prison chaplain for over 20 years (he’s converted a lot of folks). And who would hire this guy? The guy who was fired for saying that Muslims “secretly admired” the WTC attacks.

The guys they arrested are stupid. Given enough time, they could be convinced that Scientology is the way to go. But Tom Cruise wasn’t in their jail cells, nor in their mosque.

To all of the Muslims that don’t “secretly admire” the thousands of deaths we incurred almost 8 years ago, I’m sorry these guys are giving you a bad name. And I’m sorry that most of the people that read the Post will use this story to justify their distrust of Islam (radical or otherwise).

If we cared more about educating children, they’d be smart enough to avoid prison. Maybe.

But they’d definitely stop wearing their pants around their knees.

(angrily shakes fist at whippersnappers)

The MTA plans on doing away with MetroCards soon.

They imagine a card or “key-fob-like device” that would be triggered whenever you passed by a sensor (on buses, subways and commuter-rail), which would automatically deduct a fare from your bank account.

Great idea, guys. What could possibly go wrong with that plan? I mean, who doesn’t want to keep a journal of how many times they use mass transit and then match it up with their bank statement every month?

“Jed! My God! It’s been years! How’ve you been?”

“Fine.”

“I see you’re still standing on the throat of the little boy who personifies the MTA.”

“Yes.”

“Carry on.”

As soon as it took off, Air Force Sgt. Bartek Bachleda noticed something from his window seat on a United Airlines flight from Chicago to Tokyo. “Could that be a fuel leak?… Nah.”

An hour later, he decided that, yes, it was a fuel leak. He called over an attendant. She brushed off his concerns. He repeated that she needed to tell the captain “before we go oceanic.”

Coincidentally, at that very moment, the captain was wondering why his plane was burning through so much fuel.

Once Bachleda showed the captain the leak (6,000 pounds of fuel each hour), they diverted to San Francisco.

Well done, Sarge.

Teresa, cross United Airlines off the list.

Michelle Malkin proves her inner ugliness is on repulsive par with her outer ugliness in her latest criticism of my BPF.

“America faces an ongoing Islamic jihad at home and abroad. Not merely ‘man-caused.’ But Koran-inspired.”

Keep in mind, this is a woman who has enthusiastically praised America’s rounding up her elders and putting them in camps during WWII, so it’s not very surprising that se also believes that the Koran is “inspiring” Muslims to attack America.

“What’s Obama’s plan to prevent the jihadi virus from spreading? Washing hands and covering mouths won’t work for this disease.”

Can we cover your mouth? Just to be sure?

Bitch.

Dick Cheney is warning Americans that the current administration is “playing into the hands of the terrorists.”

He also announced that only three terrorists were ever waterboarded by the U.S.

Trust Cheney on these points. He knows the terrorists personally (they’re all on Halliburton’s payroll).

But only three? Ever? Well, then it isn’t a very effective tool now is it?

Someone please shoot this asshole in the face (not to kill him — just do him like he did his “friend” on that quail hunt).

Actress Lucy Gordon, who would have been 29 today, was found on her Paris apartment yesterday dead from a suspected suicide. She played reporter Jennifer Dugan (?) in Spider-Man 3: The One Where Tobey Acts “Cool” and recently finished a biopic of Serge Gainsbourg wherein she played Jane Birkin.

Godspeed, Lucy.

Natalie Cole got a new kidney, but while she was getting it, her older sister died from lung cancer.

Godspeed, Natalie Cole’s older sister.

Anyone notice that ever since Madonna stopped being a Yankee fan and started being a Met fan… we’ve won NINE in a row?

Thanks, Madge!

Sean Penn has withdrawn his request to legally separate from Robin Wright Penn.

No word yet on how she feels about that.

There is a photo in Page Six (on page 18 today) of Paris Hilton preparing to kiss her latest boyfriend. Her mouth is open, tongue laying on her bottom lip and chin like a St. Bernard’s.

It’s almost as disturbing as the Gest/Minnelli kiss at their “wedding.”

I’m going to start a petition for Paris Hilton to change her name to Chlamydia Pustule.

Parents complained that a teacher at Principal Sean Keaton’s school was using corporal punishment on students. So a meeting was held between Keaton, an assistant principal, the special-ed teacher accused of doling out the punishment and the school’s union rep.

The rep, Robert Segerra, was speaking when Mr. Keaton approached him, said “I’m tired of you.” and repeatedly kicked and punched him. Seggera is also a kindergarten teacher.

The day before, a teacher sprayed Lysol into a student’s face (in Bed-Stuy, natch), which might leave the child partially blind.

I wonder how many of the students at these schools will convert to radical Islam in prison.

“Pretty Boy” Floyd Mayweather, Jr. is being sued for $600,000 by Just For You Management for “surreptitiously signing” rapper Freck Billionaire to his label Philthy Rich.

Suprisingly, Freck Billionaire is NOT his given name. It’s Jeffrey Whitters.

And one day he and his entourage will be playing dominoes in the pokey and wondering where it all went wrong (hint: when you changed our name to Freck Billionaire).

They’ve printed excerpts of Cheney’s recent speech. But all I need is the quote that runs under the photo of the blazing twin towers (thanks, Post!):

“For all that we’ve lost in this conflict, the United States has never lost its moral bearings.”

Hilarious.

Just because you put scripture on the cover pages of your reports doesn’t mean you still have your “moral bearings.”

Bitch.

Bill O’Reilly declares that gay marriage is what will ultimately destroy our country.

“So the gay-marriage debate is over. Conservative states won’t pass it, but liberal states will. Once, we truly were the ‘United States.’ No longer.”

I like to think his pappy said the same thing when Blacks were allowed to use his water fountain.

Bitch.

Lou Lumenick gave Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian one star.

Scientists are baffled at how a movie with both Ricky Gervais and Christopher Guest could be anything but brilliant.

And then they remembered For Your Consideration.

And Lou gave Easy Virtue one and a half stars.

Poor Jessica Biel.

Will she ever find success anywhere ever (besides JT’s pants)?

But if you want cruelty in the movie section, you don’t look to Lou. You look to Kyle Smith.

Dance Flick got zero stars from Kylie (my new nickname for him and not just because I want to cut off one of his breasts).

Under the headline Flat-footed film bad in every Wayans Kylie claims that when the opening credits told him that the movie was made by “a new generation of Wayanses” he made a face. “Home Alone meets Edvard Munch.”

(I bet he didn’t really)

He goes on to say the film “puts the oof in spoof,” which might endear him to you, which is why he follows that up with what might make him the worst critic of anything in the universe. Ready?

“If there exists anyone in the comedy business less funny than the Wayans clan, it’s Amy Sedaris.”

I feel that bears repeating.

“If there exists anyone in the comedy business less funny than the Wayans clan, it’s Amy Sedaris.”

Goodbye, Kylie’s credibility!

David Ortiz fouled a ball off his foot last night.

If he was still taking steroids, he might have really hurt himself!

Toronto is 27-17. Boston is 25-16. The Yanks are 24-17.

I love baseball.

Wang is starting tonight (for Scranton/Wilkes-Barre).

(crosses fingers, prays to Jeebus)

The Red Sox are playing the Mets for three days?

It’s 1986 all over again!

The Yankees are playing the Phillies for three days?

Fuck!

Joba got hit in the knee with a line drive. He left the game, but x-rays were negative and he should be fine.

In as classy a “fuck you” as one can expect from Vince McMahon, Monday Night Raw will no longer take place at the Pepsi Center — he’s moving it to the Staples Center in L.A. (home of the Nuggets’ arch-nemeses, the Lakers).

So… if you have a ticket for this week’s Monday Night Raw, um, book a flight.

Jay Leno has 5 hours a week on NBC. Tyra Banks 12 hours a week on the CW.

And Regis Philbin just re-upped with ABC for 3,124 hours a week.

CBNs: Tonight on Batman: The Brave and the Bold, Bats teams up with Robin to take on… Crazy Quilt!

This guy has been around for man many years. He used to fight The Boy Commandos…

…but he could never defeat the, um, boys. So, naturally, he took on Batman instead. Of course, he’d have to make his costume even gayer first…

What will he look like tonight? No idea. But it should be good for a larf (if you are a CBN, this is a cartoon you will adore).

Got to reconnect with my good friend from high school yesterday. Mick is as funny as I remember him and has incredible taste in Indian restaurants (when I saw “Haute Indian Cuisine” on the outside, I thought they had misspelled “Hot” but I understood once I started eating… which I continue to do now, much to the chagrin of my ill-prepared gutty works).

In fact, if there were a song to express that I found Mick to be of such fine caliber that my mind was blown, I’d quote those lyrics here. But sadly, nothing jumps out at me.

Off to the liberry.

And… holy cats! It’s Friday! The weekend starts in buhzactly six point five hours!

Yippee!

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