Archive for May 24th, 2009

We went walkies! We saw giant bees!

24th May
2009
written by jed

What a remarkably pretty day (with spurts of nauseating heat)! We went window shopping and found barrettes! Sadly, they weren’t for me. Next weekend is Picnic 2: The Quickening and it will be good to see some folks we haven’t seen in a long time (assuming our more calamity-attracting friends aren’t saddled with last-minute calamities) and some who we have, but can’t get enough of them anyway. And I’m baking a berry cake!

But here’s the thing about my Fruit (formerly Apple) Cake. I don’t use no fancy mixing equipment. That’s for ladies. I mix things with hand-held non-electric utensils (like a big boy!). But the recipe calls for a layer of the delicious batter, then fruit, then batter, than fruit, then batter. But while Teresa and I adore the flavor of the batter, we also like fruit (look who we each married). So I’ve tried piling fruit in between the layers of batter, but it becomes burnt on the outside and undercooked on the inside (ideal when baking a cake for someone you don’t like, {the opposite of ideal} when you’re baking for yourself).

We have a fancy Cuisinart mixer thing. It’s very fancy. And I’ve often wondered: “What if I put the dough and the fruit in the Cuisinart and blended them together and THEN baked it? The most obvious con (besides “I’m Thinking Of A Number” and “How Many Fingers Am I Holding Behind My Back?”) is that the fruitiest parts will burn against the metal cake pan. But the most obvious pros (besides those yelling “Prostitute over here! Getcher sex-for-money right here, boys! I’m available and clean… ish.”) is that if it works, I’ll be able to expand the flavor palette tenfold (I think that’s English). And if it fails, I get to eat the failure cake all by myself!

So sometime this week, I’m-a try this out. With an assortment of berries. For unveiling at Picnic 2: This Time I’m Bi-Pedal.

There’s a lot in today’s paper, but here’s a quick rundown of yesterday’s.

Mets beat Red Sox (double yay!) but Yanks lose (single boo).

Mary Kay Letourneau (prounced Ped-o-phile) hosted a “Hot for Teacher” night at a bar in Seattle. Her husband (and father of their two little girls — who they hope will also grow up to be married mothers of four that begin affairs with 12-year-olds and go to prison as a result, thus destroying their first families but allowing them to party like rock stars in Seattle!).

Of his no longer being POTUS, Bush said, “Life is returning back to normal.” (Is he angling for a gig on Leno’s new trainwreck-to-be?)

Kiefer’s charges are being dropped by the man who I suspect is making a gigantic deposit in his bank account soon.

CSI writer Sarah Goldfinger is being sued by her former real-estate agents (who sold her house for her) for writing an episode that featured realtor characters named after them (and cast to look like them) who were into bondage, hardcore porn and booze and were suicidal. And bad at their job. Meow. The real realtors caught wind of their impending fame and started to make a big stink, causing CBS to rename the characters (The Tamkins became the Tuckers) before the show aired in February, but the Tamkins are still angry. In a related story, Sarah is suing Ian Fleming.

Jon Peters is no longer threatening to unleash (sorry, release) his sexual autobiography (Studio Head — see what he did there?) because leaks in the “press” have caused him to be threatened with too many lawsuits (surely not by the women who he claims blew people for parts in movies… right, Babs?).

Drew Barrymore spotted wearing a “MY BOYFRIEND IS OUT OF TOWN” t-shirt? Now I’ve seen everything!

Thomas “Amarillo Slim” Preston, Jr. (the famous poker player) was indicted in 2003 for molesting his granddaughter. He pled guilty to reduced charges and got probation and a fine. Good luck iat this year’s WSOP Table of Champions (and People No Longer Welcome At Their Kid’s House), Slim!

Dozens of girls at an elementary school in Brooklyn stood on a grate for a class photo. The grate collapsed and “up to 32 of them” were injured (the grate covered a 15-foot drop). Take a bow, person who thought that was a good place to take a class photo!

Kristin Gore is divorcing Paul Cusack after 4 years of marriage. She cited irreconcilable differences, but I think it’s because she was worried that her husband was related to John and Joan Cusack (sorry — I love them both, but I watched War, Inc. the other day and… yeah).

An Italian warship captured nine pirates off the coast of Somalia. Yar.

Cartier is suing Apple because they say the “Fake Watch” and “Fake Watch Gold Edition” applications use timepieces modeled after their own. Shut up, Cartier, b’also shut up everyone who spent a dollar to have a fake “gold edition” watch tell them what time it is on their iPhone. Especially since the regular watch is free. And a t-shirt that says, “I waste money on all kinds of bullshit” is available at most malls in America.

Dick Morris doesn’t want terrorists to go to trial because he fears they’ll all be released and kill Americans. Dick? Drink a tall glass of hooker urine and get some sleep. You’re being stupid again.

Things to make you laugh: 1) Clay Aiken has a paid-subscription-only message board; 2) that he adds posts to; 3) and which people then read. 4) Clay said that the one time he heard Adam Lambert sing, “I thought my ears would bleed.” 5) He went on to call Adam’s cover of “Ring of Fire” “contrived, awful, and slightly frightening!” 6) Clay Aiken announced that he was gay three years after America told him he was gay.

TODAY!

The main cover story has the girlfriend of one of The Terrorist Archies (that’s what I call the folks that tried to blow up Riverdale) claiming that the feds super-extra-mega-double entrapped her bf and his buddies. She says the feds gave them marijuana (which makes people totally want to attack… some Doritos!), paid their rent, gave them cash, sprung for meals, hung out with them 24/7…

Look. On the one hand, W. helped me develop a keen distrust of everything governmental. The fact that we “captured” people who were too stupid to realize their bombs were duds… yeah. It feels photo op-ish. But here’s the thing: I don’t care. If someone approaches you on the street and says, “point this gun at anyone you want and then shoot them and I’ll give you a million dollars” and you turn around and point it at my wife? And then it clicks, reveals its empty and you’re arrested and thrown in jail for a few years? I won’t cry for you. Would you be in that jail if that undercover jerk never approached you? Nope. But you tried to shoot my wife.

These guys tried to blow up my nursery school. Like my wife, I have great memories of times I’ve spent in that temple. Sorry, dim cons. Enjoy going back to prison. Next time, follow Sarah Palin’s factually-incorrect advice and say, “Thanks… but no thanks.”

The MTA.

Above a collection of complaints the MTA has received since last year (which include such classic lines as “If I had two pennies to rub together, I would just buy a fucking car and be rid of you incompetent people altogether.” and “Thanks, MTA! I guess I won’t be taking my kid out to a movie or out for a meal anytime soon.” and [my personal favorite for its poetic vagueness] “Please be advised that for the last five days, there is a horrendous stench emanating from two vomit stains located on the side of the last staircase.”), is an article that spotlights the $3,500,000 the MTA spent in the last year — on raises and an increase of employees at the Midtown HQ’s (and extra 43 idiots were added to the 652 morons that already “worked” there). Also included in the $3,500,000 they spent on new jobs and raises (140 of the chuckleheads at their HQ got raises — but only 61 came with title changes) was the $75,000 annual salary of their new full-time photographer. The new “Director of Workforce Development” gets $134,204 a year and the new “Chief Diversity Officer” has a salary of $172,000 (It’s about time — I want to see some White faces at the MTA!).

I hate the MTA so much.So much.

Rudy 9iu11ani and his wife (the current one, not his cousin), were leaving an art fair in Bridgehampton (not a euphemism) when a 69-year-old told Lispy McHomophobe, “I’m gonna punch your lights out!” How did classy 9iu11ani respond:

a) By trying to reason with the man.

b) By hiding behind his wife.

c) By alerting his driver.

d) By shouting, “Alright, do it then!” and then running away.

The answer… is d. Not everyone is reporting the running away part as much as his stoic defiance in the face of danger, but you know me — I try to buck trends (also my porn name). B’also? His wife called the driver and told him to find the “assailant,” insisting “I want him in jail!”

Alright, Judi, do it then!

Several hundred bees were hanging out in front of the GameStop on 14th Street near Union Square at 2:00 p.m. yesterday. The best part of the story is that  a resident in the area bought a packing box from the UPS place next door and used that and a plastic bag to corral as many as he could (before help arrived in the form of an actual beekeeper).

The man? Dutch.

Now I understand how they took down those pirates.

Kevin Bacon had his BlackBerry stolen from him at B/D/E station at 53rd and 7th.

He chased the thief, but lost him in the crowd. See, Kevin? Isn’t it great that those ticket booths are empty now? Who needs personal assistance in the subway?

And big ups to the Post for pointing out that his wife’s personal number “is no doubt stored on the phone.” Stop the presses!

Seriously, just… stop the presses.

American Girl is making their first Jewish doll! Yay!

Rebecca Rubin is the daughter if Russian immigrants (she lives on the Lower East Side in 1914!) and wears a maroon dress with gold buttons (are you hinting at something, American Girl?), calf-high spats, a velvet hat, a shawl and a gold brooch (now you’re pushing it).

Z.C. Fishof, a shopper interviewed by the Post said of Rebecca, “She’s a cute little girl, but there is nothing particularly Jewish about her.”

What about the gold buttons and brooch, Z.C.? Don’t they make up for the lack of hook nose and list of doctor’s appointments?

Liberty DeVitto, Billy Joel’s drummer since the 70’s (and not, as you might have assumed, a stripper), is suing BJ (tee hee) for “overdue royalties.” Liberty claims he was more than just a drummer for the Piano Man.

“If Billy sang ‘Only the Good Die Young’ the way he wanted to, it would have been a reggae song.”

Liberty? For robbing me of Billy Joel’s worst idea ever, I hope you get nothing.

Billy Joel doing reggae? Wow.

Public schools that closed recently for, um, health concerns (I’m looking at you, swine flu) may wind up costing the city some of its state aid. Apparently, schools have to be in session for at least 180 days of the year.

So, if we want to maintain the (paltry) level of cash coming from Albany, some students and teaches are gonna have to do some weekend warrioring.

Sorry, Dan.

Five words (and a period) that fill my heart with hope and make the day just a little bit brighter.

Cindy Adams is off today.

Kristen Wiig is currently separated from her husband.

Sorry, Kristen. But here’s something to cheer you up: guess who appeared in the most sketches on SNL this past season!

I’ll give you a hint: she’s currently separated from your husband.

Gita Hall claims that she, like Barbra Streisand and Leslie Anne Warren are alleged to have done in Jon Peters’ aborted book, was told by producer Ray Stark to perform fellatio on him if she wanted to stay cast in his movie. But unlike Babs and Leslie, she refused.

And yet… I’ve heard of Streisand and Warren. Maybe… you should have… ?

I keep forgetting who Marilyn vos Savant (Parade Magazine’s Smartest Columnist!) is married to. It’s the inventor of the Jarvick Artificial Heart, Dr. Robert Artificial. I mean Jarvick. Dr. Robert Jarvick.

Tim Gunn will be a superhero in Marvel Comics’ latest horrible idea, Models Inc. (where have I heard that name before?), but the folks at Modelina.com point out that Tim and Heidi Klum fought crime in a series on their website in February.

Girls, girls, girls! There’s no need to fight! You’re BOTH terrible ideas and can SHARE the blame!

66-year-old Marion Fahnestock! She used to be an intern for JFK! She was 19 at the time and went by Mimi Beardsley! And she claims they had an 18-month affair! Read all about it in her new book, Once Upon A Secret! Surely she’ll make a more interesting protagonist than Jackie or Marilyn (or, if you like JFK fan-fiction, Sinatra)!

Here’s a tip for North Korean politicians: Do NOT promote reconciliation with South Korea.

Choe Sungchol did. So Kim Jong Il had him executed by firing squad.

That dwarf knows how to party.

Yesterday was Saturday, right? So explain to me how this could happen.

The Tasti-D-Lite on 57th and 1st Avenue was robbed at 1:30 p.m.

In broad fucking daylight, two guys enter, pull guns, empty the register, push the only employee there in the back, beat him up, force him to open the safe, beat him some more and run out. And no one saw a damn thing.

I (heart) New York.

The Post has many many pages on what our armed forces are hoping to have on the battlefields by 2030 (despite my numerous letters to them explaining Apocalypto). There’s the gun that can be unlocked by voice command (that’s what our soldiers need: a gun that fires not when you pull the trigger, but when you activate the trigger through vocal commands… what could possibly go wrong?), and the addition of “smart drugs” (take a bow, pharmaceutical lobbyists!), and binoculars that would connect with a soldier’s head (via EEG electrodes) and would act as a “spider sense” (um… you guys know Stan Lee made that up, right?) and warn the soldier of dangers that his brain has sensed, but hasn’t had time to process yet (I’m no science-making person, but I think I would find it confusing if my brain sensed danger and told the binoculars plugged into my head because it didn’t have time to explain it to me, but then, I’ve never bought a $2,000 screwdriver) and (my personal favorite for its hilariously racist foundations) the helmet that has “biometric facial recognition to identify insurgents” (because insurgents’ faces are shaped different, silly!).

Can we attack Japan and surrender and then make them help us reboot our economy? We can totally revolt 10 years later, but I fear that our military is being led by people who watch too many TBS movie marathons.

Kyle Smith (who thinks the entire Wayans family is funnier than Amy Sedaris) tells of being hit by a bicyclist while two years ago. He also tells of his editor at the Post, Mackenzie Dawson, and how a cyclist has put her on crutches for three months. And Post photog Lizzy Sullivan and her broken rib and “months of treatment.” And Features writer Reed Tucker who was “knocked down and scraped up” by a cyclist.

The MTA makes me want a bicycle. And NYC bicyclists make me want to join them in colliding with Post employees.

Maybe you should just always stay home, Kyle! And never leave! Or write anything anymore! Or LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING EVEN IF YOU HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY, STUPID!

The leader of The Terrorist Archies, James Cromitie — who was totally entrapped and should totally be let go — on Jews:

“I hate those motherfuckers, those fucking Jewish bastards… I would like to get a synagogue.”

Boo. Hoo.

Dick Cheney on… oh who even cares anymore?

“It is recklessness cloaked in righteousness and would make the American people less safe.”

What… hating faggots like your daughter? Is that what you mean, Dick? Yeah. I’ll bet that’s what he meant. That denying American homosexuals equal rights is recklessness cloaked in righteousness which makes them less safe. Well said, Dick.

David Kessler wrote The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite. In her review of it, Ginger Adams Otis recounts Kessler’s analysis of Chili’s Southwestern Eggrolls.

I remember years ago eating in an airport Chili’s. We had no other legitimate choice at the time and their abbreviated menu seemed like a list of evils, the Southwestern Eggrolls the lesser of the lot. I remember enjoying them. But after reading this, I will never ever even think of eating them again. Here are some fun facts about Chili’s Southwestern Eggrolls: The tortilla wrap is 40% water… until it is deep-fried. Then it is 5% water. The other 35% becomes fat.

The chicken might look like regular old chicken, but its been processed and mashed into a meatloaf-like lump and “cut” with autolyzed yeast extract, sodium phosphate, soy protein concentrate, and other “starchy binders.”

The BBQ-flavor comes from “a chemical bath.” It contains eight types of salt and five types of sweeteners. It has been specifically engineered to have high fat, high salt and lots of sugar. And it was pre-processed so customers don’t have to chew it too much.

I don’t think I’ll even be able to eat regular chili anymore. I need to read this book.

Pringles are 42% potatoes, 33% fat and flour.

I’ve got the fever for writing them a letter and telling them how disgusting I find that.

Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams are still married? I owe you a dollar, Teresa!

The Bangles are doing a reunion tour? You owe me a dollar, Teresa!

At first it was amusing. Now I’m actually frightened.

Night At The Museum: Battle Of The Smithsonian has a four-star review from Jeff Craig of Sixty-Second Preview. The grandson of someone who knew about movies calls it better than the original. It even has a blurb from Lee Thomas of WJBX FOX 2 in Detroit.

But no Pete Hammond.

Terminator: Salvation has blurbs from the CW, the Daily News, Mark S. Allen of CBS-TV… five blurbs in all.

But no Pete Hammond.

Angels & Demons has no blurbs (but trumpets that it’s the #1 movie in the world).

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past has five blurbs, Wolverine has two.

But no Pete Hammond.

Dance Flick has “FROM THE WAYANS BROTHERS THE FUNNIEST DANCE MOVIE OF ALL TIME” [sic] at the top of their ad, right on top of the blurb from Shawn Edwards of Fox-TV: “The funniest dance movie of all time.”

But no Pete Hammond. Where has America’s worst film critic gone? And when will he be back???

Speaking of which, I’m nervous that America might make me watch Ben Stiller mug for 2 hours. But the alternative is watching Christian Bale do an Edward Furlong improssion for 2 hours.

Am I actually rooting for Dance Flick?

V.A. Musetto took time out from masturbating to photographs of Asian women long enough to call Lars von Trier’s latest movie (Antichrist), “a torture-porn shocker with a graphic scene of sexual mutilation” without so much as a single spoiler warning (now the whole time I’ll be thinking, “when does the penis get chopped off?”).

The Post discusses “Web scribes who chronicle the rich and almost famous” but omitted Entertainment… Weakly. Four women and two gay guys got shouts out. But no straight guys.

J’accuse the Post of sexism. And heterophobia.

I call bullshit on Erin (this week’s Meet Market applicant)! She claims people tell her she looks like Tina Fey. Um… no. Not even a little. At all.

Maybe Tina Yothers. NOT Tina Fey.

Yankees win! Mets win (and Boston loses)! Toronto loses their fifth in a row!

Toronto is in 1st, Yanks and Sox tied for 2nd — just 1/2 game back.

I love baseball!

Joel Sherman makes the case for Posada becoming DH first, catcher second. And I gotta say, he makes a good case.

Speaking of Jorge, he and Xavier and Cody and Jose are all going to Tampa this week. Get well soon, everyone!

Finally, I have to say that the article on Amazon’s product reviews is hilarious. I laughed out loud a bunch of times. And if it wasn’t so late, I’ll transcribe some highlights. But it’s late and I’m tired. So, if you have a chance, go to the Post’s website and look for “Amazon users on the moon” by Stephen Lynch.

Going up to visit the parentals tomorrow, so I may not get a chance to see you, kids.

Happy Memorial Day (or Somber Memorial Day, if more appropriate).



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