Archive for May 27th, 2009

I’m not even going to give you any clues. It’s like a visual poo onion… every fifteen seconds, you tell yourself it can’t get worse… but it does. If it’s as good as The Wicker Man and Knowing, then I’m bringing Nicolas Cage up on crimes against humanity.

Ridiculous. I can hear the VO for the commercials already…

“FROM THE MAN WHO MADE KLAUS KINSKI DRAG A BOAT OVER A MOUNTAIN… AND THE MAN WHO MARRIED ELVIS PRESLEY’S DAUGHTER BECAUSE HE COULDN’T MARRY ELVIS PRESLEY… AND THE MAN WHO PLANS ON BEING THE NEXT GOVERNOR OF NEW MEXICO… AND THE HOST OF PIMP MY RIDE… AND, UM, THE ETHNIC WOMAN FROM GHOST RIDER AND THE SPIRIT… COMES A MOVIE WITH THE SAME TITLE AS AN NC-17 CULT CLASSIC BUT THAT IS MOS DEF NOT GOING TO BE NC-17… AND IS SET IN NEW ORLEANS FOR SOME REASON.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE ONLY ONE PREQUEL TO, SEQUEL TO, OR REIMAGINEERING OF AN ABEL FERRARA MOVIE WHERE HARVEY KEITEL ANGRILY MASTURBATES IN FRONT OF A WOMAN WHILE SCREAMING ‘SHOW ME YOUR SUCK COCK FACE!’… WAIT FOR THE NEXT ONE. THIS ONE, DESPITE SUCH T-SHIRT-READY DIALOGUE AS ‘YOU DON’T HAVE A LUCKY CRACK PIPE?’ IS A GIANT TURD.”

More writings tomorrow. I know I owe you all a bunch.