Archive for May, 2009

You’re very welcome.

(NSFW)

Motherfuckers tryin’a blow up Riverdale Temple and the Riverdale Jewish Center? I went to nursery school at RT, bitches, so you best come correct or ya best come strapped, y’heard?

Seriously though, as Moose himself once said, “Duh… stay out of Riverdale.”

I mean, what if their plan succeeded and in the future, Teresa and I get in a time machine and visit each others’ childhoods and then something happens and we get sent to the Riverdale Temple as the missile hits and then I help H.G. Wells find Jack the Ripper but before he can return the favor and find Teresa, Doc Brown explains that I have to go back in time because Marty’s mom is trying to have sex with Marty and if Chuck Berry doesn’t hear Michael J. Fox play his music, he’ll never write his music, which would mean the movie Cadillac Records never existed!?

---

Congratulations to Natalie Cole for getting a new kidney. She can now continue touring in support of her new album, Still Unforgettable.

I wonder if any ghosts sing on this one.

---

Your CDs and DVDs are about to get a whole lot obsoleter!

Some folks at Swinburne University of Technology in Australia claim that “by harnessing nanoparticles and a ‘polarization’ dimension to existing technology, a disc’s storage can be massively boosted to hold thousands of feature films or millions of songs.”

They have successfully stored 1.6 terabytes of data in a single DVD, which the potential to increase that to 10 terabytes.

At least one of these folks will die in an “accident” sometime next week. And then another will announce that they forgot to carry the four and that such a thing is impossible. And then he will die in an “accident.”

---

Andrew Giuliani (who continues to grow into his father’s ugly) is suing Duke University for “breach of contract” (he was kicked off the golf team because people refused to play with him and quit [on account of he was a phenomenal asshole]).

US Magistrate Judge Wallace Dixon wrote in an opinion that Andy’s argument “slices far from the fairway” and his use of Duke’s student policy manuals as evidence “is a swing and a miss.” He continued that one of Andy’s arguments “brings to mind Carl Spackler’s analysis from the movie Caddyshack: ‘He’s on his final hole. He’s about 455 yards away, he’s gonna hit about a 2 iron, I think.’”

I blame reality TV.

---

Congress (under a Senate proposal) would raise the federal excise tax on alcohol (up 145% to $3 for every case of beer; up 233% to $7 on a case of wine; and up 20% for the hard stuff) and they’re also looking to raise soda taxes.

So long as they don’t mess with crack prices, we’re good.

---

Moviefone had a poll that rated the best sci-fi movies of all time. And, according to people who are so empty inside that they spend their time answering Moviefone polls, Star Wars won Best Sci-Fi Movie of All Time, Best Robot (R2-D2), Best Alien (Yoda), Best Hero (Han Solo), Best Villain (Darth Vader) and (most importantly) Best Catchphrase (“May the Force be with you.”).

So empty inside.

---

Another child actor from Slumdog Millionaire had her home razed. Rubina Ali’s shanty has been dozed.

I really and truly believe that Danny Boyle cares about these people, but I’m not seeing a whole lot of support of late.

Jai ho.

---

Swizz Beatz is all about barring the public from his divorce proceedings, but his wife, Mashonda, says that no one would have even known about the proceedings if he and Alicia Keys hadn’t been making out all over town.

Mashonda’s attorney pointed out that Swizz “released a song implying that he likes it when Alicia serves him breakfast naked.”

Swizz, the court finds you nasty as charged.

---

OMG! The kid that everyone thought would win American Idol totally didn’t! It was the other kid! OMG!

HOW LONG UNTIL THE NEXT ROUND OF AUDITIONS?!?!?!?!?!?!

---

Speaking of the origins of Seacrest, Janice Thibodeaux, 33 and weighing 200-pounds, was so outraged that Simon Cowell jokingly choked Paula Abdul on last week’s show, that she decided to show Simon’s girlfriend why it isn’t polite to choke people.

“…I knew she was his girlfriend so I went up to her to tell her how I felt. We started arguing and then I put my hands around her neck and started choking her just like Simon had done to Paula. Then I walked away and I was tackled by the police, but I don’t regret wat I did because of what Simon did to Paula. Nobody seemed to care about that.”

We still don’t, actually, but at least Janice is in jail on $52,703 bail.

---

MTA Chairman Dale Hemmerdinger said that MTA construction chief Michael Horodniceanu “has, at least to me, signed in blood” that the Fulton Street Transit Center will be completed no later than June 2014.

1) If it isn’t finished by then, I’m pretty sure we can legally kill them both.

2) If you’re referring to the second guy and his wife, you would say The Horodniceanus, which is Ho Rod Nice Anus.

3) Don’t ever kill anyone unless it’s in self-defense, kids.

---

Michael Vick is under house arrest (not an ad for a Disney movie).

Once he was the highest-paid player in the NFL… now he has a probation officer that tells him when it’s OK for him to leave his house (he’s allowed to work a $10/hour construction job, so there’s that).

Poor Michael Vick.

---

A guy threw a nightstand into the road at Bedford and DeKalb. Cops asked him for ID. He replied, “Fuck you guys. You serve me.” He was later charged with reckless endangerment.

And, I would imagine, beaten with a sack of oranges.

---

It’s not irony, it’s… hmmm. You tell me.

At Belmont Park yesterday, City On Line (a horse) dumped its rider in the post parade, raced back to the saddling area and crashed (head-on, at full speed) into a statue of Secretariat. The statue survived (though its base was cracked in half).

But City On Line is dead.

What would you call that (besides a tragedy)?

---

Nick Swisher? Home run. Next batter.

Robbie Cano? Home run. Next batter.

Melky Cabrera? Home run.

Yankee fans have to go all the way back to 2005 for back-to-back-to-back dingers (it was Sheffield, Rodriguez, Matsui then).

Yanks win their EIGHTH in a row. Daddy like.

---

Larry King has been ignoring his son, Larry King, Jr., for 33 years.

But that’s OK. I’ve been ignoring Larry, Sr. for almost 35.

---

ABC passed on the Freddie Prinze, Jr. version of the Britcom, No Heroics.

And America is passing on Southland, which I will not accept.

Watch it tonight, damnit.

---

The weekend is roughly 30 hours away.

Have a good’un.

I never thought to check the ingredients on a package of chicken breasts, but I’m glad I did before cooking them. Turns out they’re “salted and rinsed.” While I find that imagery disturbing (albeit deliciously so), I worried that the salt might be iodized and made some half-assed fried rice for dinner instead (Teresa walked in, adds 3 ingredients and made it outstanding, as she does with most things).

But Trader Joe’s has a policy: You can return anything anytime for any reason. Which means that, if you shop at the TJ on Atlantic and Court, you might want to avoid the chicken (or maybe I should slip a treasure map into the package and reader can try and find my returned breasts (also the title of Christina Applegate’s new bio) (too soon?).

But enough about that stuff. Let’s look at this stuff!

---

New York wants to put a $0.05 deposit on water bottles. Nestle Waters North America have filed claims that they believe that would be illegal for New York to do.

If I were Nestle Waters, I would stop singing that “La da di, la da da, la da di, la da da” song. B’also? I would be so thrilled that people were buying water from me (even though it flows freely in their homes) that I’d happily help New York raise money with a nickel deposit. And then I would have some chocolate and shut up.

---

Are you sitting down? Well, put something heavy in your lap because when you read this next item, you’ll want to jump through the roof with anticipatory glee.

NOT A HOAX! NOT AN IMAGINARY STORY! NOT A PARALLEL UNIVERSE!

In Archie Comics #600, Archie will look into his own future and see himself propose to… OMG! IS IT BETTY OR VERONICA?!?!?!?! August?!? I have to wait until August to find out if he chooses the billionairess who treats him like shit or the poor affectionate one?!?

“One thing is certain: This will be the biggest Archie Comics story ever!”

One other thing is also for certain: That’s what you said about Archie vs. The Punisher and that book sucked. Fool me once, Archie Comics… putting food on your families… misunderestimate… we don’t get fooled again.

---

Oooooo… what if he chooses Jughead?

---

What’s the difference between a Mets fan and a Yankees fan?

A Yankee fan makes regular trips to the dentist while a Mets fan will spend hours with their arm stuck in a public toilet trying to retrieve their gold tooth that fell in.

At least, that’s what an unidentified woman did at ShitiField (Shea + Citi = Shiti) last Wednesday.

She didn’t get the tooth back, but she did get to spend the day on the floor of  public bathroom. With her arm in the toilet.

Go Mets.

---

My mother’s school was closed NOT because of swine flu, but because so many kids were getting regular flu that they decided to give everyone 4 days of rest (including the high school kids who are studying for finals). The Post quotes an HM student as saying, “We’re happy! Now I can play some golf!” I want to say it was a high school student, but you never know with Horace Mann…

A parent was also quoted as saying, “I think it’s nuts! They’re panicking.” She went on to explain that Horace Mann is closing only because they want to avoid legal liability.

$20 says she’s an attorney who specializes in liability.

---

Danny DeVito is directing a movie about the life of Crazy Eddie.

Does this mean that grey turtlenecks and black blazers are coming back into style?

Insaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane.

---

Michael Steele, the Republican Party Chairman, explains why Obama is popular.

“He’s young. He’s cool. He’s hip… he’s got all the qualities America likes in a celebrity, so of course he’s going to be popular.”

Are we back to this again, Michael? Really? That’s the best you can do? It shouldn’t be hard to find something better to use against Obama. Here. Let’s check your Wikipedia page, Mike. Maybe… oh, boy.

Anyone who wants to see what kind of man Michael Steele is, look into his September 26, 2002 debate. Five days after the debate, he claimed that one or more Oreos had rolled to his feet during the debate (no one else that attended noticed and reviewing the footage turned up nothing). Three years after that, The Boy Who Cried Racism claimed that supporters of his opponent were throwing Oreos at him (“It was raining Oreos… They were thick in the air like locusts. I was there. It was very real. It wasn’t subtle.”)

I’ll take a celebrity like Obama over a celebrity like Tawana Brawley any day of the week, Mr. Steele.

(Bonus question: What was the thing many used to enter the subway system prior to the advent of the MetroCard?)

---

Sunday marks the last day that cars will be allowed on Broadway between 42nd & 47th and between 32nd & 35th.

Nice. Except… cars had traffic lights. Pedestrians in those areas are European gawkers that like to walk 5 abreast and point at clouds. Is the car ban going to make walking through that area easier or more distasteful?

Time will tell.

---

Mickey Rourke went to lunch in Beverly Hills with his pet cockatoo.

Mickey, I’m telling you this as a friend: If you die in the next year, you will be revered and remembered fondly. If you continue to live, you will wind up re-entering obscurity and rehab.

B’also? Good job on avoiding Bai Ling for so long!

---

Hayden Panettiere has a misspelled tattoo running down her back.

It’s s’posed to say “live without regrets” in Italian.

The irony, she is so (how you say?) thick.

---

Shooting starts in September for the Sex and the City sequel.

Aim for the horse.

---

Lindsay Lohan wants to play Stevie Nicks.

Isn’t that what she’s been doing for three years? Sam Ronson looks like Lindsey Buckingham, no?

---

If anyone was still wondering what killed Marilyn Chambers, it was “a cerebral hemorrhage and an aneurysm related to heart disease.” Which means that Bethany wins the betting pool for her answer (“some kind of meat”). You can pick up your prize in Morty’s office, Bethany.

---

A 47,000,000-year-old skeleton of a lemur monkey was just unveiled in Germany.

Not 4,700 years, Bible-thumpers. 47 MILLION years.

And that’s what gays want your kids to marry.

---

There will be a Ghostbusters III. It could start filming by winter.

How out-of-touch will this film be with what audiences want? When asked who Dan Aykroyd would want to join himself, Bill, Harold, Ernie and Sigourney (who are all confirmed), he replied, “Alyssa Milano and Eliza Dushku would be amazing.”

Can you change the channel on a movie that hasn’t even started shooting yet?

---

The Yankees have won SEVEN in a row (thanks, CC, A-Rod, Teixeira, Jeter and 3rd-string-catcher-guy!). We’re 11-7 at home and 11-10 on the road. Phil Hughes is on the mound tonight (but which one will pitch?). Hooray for baseball!

---

Gee… Ortiz isn’t having a good year… maybe he needs more steroids?

---

Law & Order WILL return for season 20, tying it with Gunsmoke. L & O: SVU will also return. 30 Rock will be back in seven months (Tina and Alec got films to shoot, yo!) and Southland was picked up as well (can we have more than 7 episodes this time, jerks?). Medium is done (heh), as is My Name Is Earl.

Oh — that shity sitcom with Michael Strahan I mentioned yesterday? Brothers? Guess who the brothers’ parents are.

Carl “Apollo Creed” Weathers and CCH “Detective Wyms” Pounder.

My heart is crying.

---

That’ll do it for today. I have poultry to return.

Happy Hump Day!

Just heard through the grapevine that Horace Mann has closed down until next Tuesday because of swine flu. Because someone has it? Because they’re afraid someone might? I don’t know. I called my mother, who teaches at the elementary school, and her phone is off (it saves the battery).

Sigh.

---

Speaking of which, the assistant principal who recently died (we’re assuming) from swine flu was memorialized in front of his school (which is closed due to seemingly substantiated swine flu fears), where “his wife, Bonnie, mingled with kids, parents and former students.”

Good thinking, folks. Stand in front of the closed school and hug the dead guy’s wife. That’ll put an end to that pesky bug!

---

Speaking of rapidly-spreading diseases, Bill Clinton is expected to be named envoy to Haiti, which is my favorite Crosby/Hope movie.

---

At bodybuilding events in Flanders last year, 75% of those competing failed drug tests.

This year at the Belgian bodybuilding championships, when doping officials arrived, all 20 of the competitors grabbed their personal belongings and ran away. Seriously. The championships were cancelled because every competitor ran away.

Stupid Flanders.

---

Duke University Medical Center researchers have discovered that rhesus monkeys can learn from their mistakes. How? By playing a game with them “similar to the TV show Deal or No Deal.” Someone call PETA. Now.

---

Are women inferior to men? Yes. The proof? Cigarettes kill women faster than they kill men.

Thanks for the tip, Dr. Inga-Cecilie Soerheim!

---

The more I read about NBC’s Farrah Fawcett Cancer Spectacular and Ryan O’Neal and Alana Stewart, the more I wish they would all just die (so Farrah could rest and the rest could just go away). Ryan is allegedly shopping a sequel.

I understand, Tatum. I understand.

---

Stop me if you’ve heard this one.

Guy walks into the ER at Montefiore. Says, “Doc, you gotta help me. I feel like I’m dying.” Doctor says, “It’s probably just a bad case of the flu. You’ll be fine in 5-7 days.”

Four days later, the guy goes back to the ER. He says, “It’s not getting any better.” So they do a blood test and discover he had a staph infection that was affecting his heart. Two days later he was having heart surgery to replace a valve.

When he woke up, one of the doctors told him that, when he had come into the ER for the second time, he was “30 minutes from death.”

This makes me think of Teresa’s and my recent medical experiences and also the movie Class Action. I wonder if, in an overcrowded ER (which they all are), doctors are told that for certain symptoms (like the ones Emanuel Badger had at Montefiore), bed rest should be recommended and they should be sent home because 95% of them will be OK and it isn’t worth the time and effort to distinguish who that other 5% is. Je suis un cynic.

---

Israel is warning that terrorist groups are infiltrating social networks like Facebook.

While I don’t like that, I hate those fucking quizzes even more.

Really? That’s which episode of The Golden Girls you “are”?

---

There’s a civil-rights lawsuit being filed against the po-po by the Gordon family.

Elizabeth Gordon, 71, and her daughter Sharon, 41, went to the 107th precinct to press assault charges against someone who Sharon’s kids claimed hit them on a city bus. The officer told them that the case dictated harassment charges, not assault. So Sharon pushed a cop and Elizabeth took a swing at a police captain, fell, and hurt her hip.

Good luck with that lawsuit, girls. B’also? If anyone finds footage of this? Please to give me.

---

Is A-Rod having sex with Kate Hudson? Yes, but he’s closing his eyes and picturing Goldie Hawn when he does.

---

Mel Gibson’s Russian girlfriend is three months pregnant! With his baby!

Finally — something Mel can’t blame on us!

---

At a Yankees game this week, Larry King will be asked to throw out the first pitch.

Unless he is pitching from home plate, I don’t think it’ll get to the catcher on less than 12 bounces.

The man is 307.

---

Woody Allen agreed to a $5,000,000 settlement of his $10,000,000 lawsuit against American Apparel.

I can no longer easily find Vice Magazine at any of AA’s NYC locations, so… good.

Incidentally, this is the largest invasion of privacy payout since Tom Waits got $2,100,000 from California (they used his voice in a radio ad).

---

When I was a kid, I remember toll baskets having a “NO PENNIES” sign. But people are paying their toll at the Verrazano Bridge in pennies and the MTA is OK with that.

Sources say that the booth attendants don’t count the pennies, they just dump them in a giant plastic bag.

The MTA is a well-oiled machine. That needs to be ignited and dismantled and replaced.

---

HAHAHAHAHA! The guys from Scrubs are dressed up like the guys from CHiPs for a photo shoot! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Now I’ve seen everything.

---

A man called the police after he told his son he needed to clean his room and his son “threw a plate of food and made a fist at me.” The man later declined to press charges because he didn’t want to hurt his son’s political career.

The man’s son is a 28-year-old school board member.

Teresa, cross Ohio off the list.

---

Can FOX’s line-up get any worse? I mean, they give good animation and I love House, but almost everything else is painful.

Well, here comes… Brothers!

One’s in a wheelchair! One’s Michael Strahan! And together, they’re… brothers! Boy oh boy, if that’s the situation, I can’t wait for the comedy!

I give it five weeks.

---

A feature about how sexy the new Jets quarterback is? Hmmm. Sounds sleazy. What’s it called?

Flirty Sanchez

God, how I hate this paper.

---

Brian Niemietz suggests to Mr. Sanchez that he should hang out with David Cross (so people would know who the funny friend was and who was the hunk…???). He continues, “No doubt some trust-fund art student down there will try switching the topic to the musings of Rene Descartes when girls are around. Punch him in the face. There isn’t a cop in town who’ll arrest the Jets’ starting quarterback.”

Fucking punch smart people in their faces! And hang out with ugly people! Here’s a photo I found of you on the Post’s website, Brian!

You’re wearing lady clothes! And the ladies are all posing about it! LOL!!!

---

Yanks have won 6 in a row. We’re now 21-17.

Boston lost last night. They’re 22-16.

Toronto is in a sissy country and are 27-14.

---

Wang may not be returning anytime soon. Gardner may be out for a while, too. Then there’s Posada, Molina, Bruney…

This happens every year, but every year it feels like the first time (wailing guitar).

---

Are you ready to attend this Monday’s WWE Memorial Day Raw event at the Denver Pepsi Center? You are? Tough.

See, the Denver Nuggets have to play game 4 of their conference finals then. Yes, the man who owns the Nuggets and the Pepsi Center booked the WWE event last August, but he couldn’t have dreamed that his team might actually be, you know, good.

Who will win? Stay tuned!

---

And if you’re thinking about having kids but want to be petrified out of the idea, tune into a double-feature tonight on Showtime. At 7, see what enrolling your child in preschool has become in Nursery University. Then at 8:30, watch a baby come out of Ricki Lake’s vagina in The Business of Being Born.

---

Two last things:

1) We watched the CGI Beowulf this weekend (the Gaiman/Zemeckis one) and I have to say, it was really really awful. Like a video game that someone else was playing. A very boring video game.

2) Guess who Julie Taymor wants to play the Green Goblin in her Broadway faggotization of Spider-Man. Go on, guess. Did you guess Alan Cumming? Then you’re right! I wonder if he’ll sing “I’m Goblin, Cock!” to his sidekick, Cock.

See you tomorrow!

I had the pleasure of briefly meeting David Pasquesi many years ago. Watching him perform was enough to garner my lifelong fandom, but meeting him showed me (yet again) that some of the most talented people in the world are also some of the kindest (which makes people like Benjamin Hendrickson — the actor not the ballplayer — all the more disgusting). Seeing him pop up in Angels & Demons put a gigantic smile on my face that only got larger with each new line he delivered (in an Italian accent!).

I would put money down that if you’ve seen over 1,000 movies, you’ve seen Dave (here’s his imdb listing). I think Mayor Daley passed a law in the ’80s that any film shot in Chicago had to employ either Dave or Neil Flynn (you’ve seen him, too: here’s his imdb listing). But he’s a major character in this Hollywood mega-blockbuster (I think he has more screen time than the female lead) and it’s about fucking time. I hope that this gets him even further through the door (if such is his desire) and that I’ll see him (and his buddy with the initials whose name I can’t quite recall) on my weekly jaunts to the Pavilion (and beyond) for many years to come.

I also feel the need to share some epiphanies I had since last week. Firstly, I couldn’t stop thinking about how awkward it was to have a Beastie Boys song in Star Trek. And then I remembered my Celebrities At Their Worst CDs and William Shatner’s nasty argument about the pronunciation of the word “sabotage”

Is it possible that J.J. Abrams was flipping {the guy who was a dick to his castmates, insulted his fanbase, killed his wife [and totes got away with it], almost singlehandedly destroyed the use of irony in commercials, and threw a press conference hissy fit over not being given a role in the reboot} the bird by including that song? I’d like to think so.

Also, ST fans will be pleased to know that “Bones” does get to loudly ask SylarSpock “Are you out of your Vulcan mind!?!” at some point in the reboot. The “I totally see what they did there” applause of your fellow audience members should offer your pelvis something akin to arousal.

---

I really like the Pavilion. Super-great popcorn. But today I am not in one of their big screening rooms. I’m in a tiny one. It sucks. What sucks more than the smaller screen is the two old pug-faced lesbians who sat behind me as the previews began. They were somehow under the delusion that: a) they were still in their living room; b) the paper shopping bags full of individually-wrapped-in-paper-and-crinkle-wrap-and velcro treats they EACH brought with them wouldn’t be a nuisance to anyone; and c) that John Travolta is supposed to be in the movie whose trailer they were watching (he had spent 30 seconds talking directly to them when one of them had this epiphany).

Also, why do you have to show commercials, then say “here are previews” and go straight into that movietickets.com ad? Why must you turn my multiplex into a den of lies?

In addition to the Transformers 2: Revenge of the Greenscreen trailer, I got a chance to watch one for My Life in Ruins.

Pro: Rachel Dratch. Con: “From the director of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days“

Actually, the trailer is the entire movie (wait until you see Poopy all shaved!). I guess they’re trying to appeal to people that like connecting dots and filling in blanks (I think Richard Dreyfuss might wind up a warmer and happier person by the film’s end, but I’ll only know if America makes me find out).

The Taking of Pelham 123 (already I hate it — The Taking of Pelham One Two Three was a beautiful title whereas this looks like The Taking of Pelham One-hundred-and-twenty-three) has John Turturro (really, Barton?), the visual sensibility of a seizing epileptic (Tony Scott, you so artsy) and a scene where Travolta (not fit to hold Robert Shaw’s cup) and Washington (did Matthau really need to be sexier?) are separated by a chain link fence (if and when I see this, Denzel’s gun has better be empty or I might have to mail out some packages of vomit) (mailing vomit is illegal and messy and I would never do it or suggest seriously that you do it, officers).

Angels & Demons begins with a history lesson about the Pope. I think it’s Alfred Molina’s narration, but the lesbians were giggling because I moved away from their improvised symposium on recycling and I might have misheard. We get to meet a few of the major characters in the film and the basic set-up (people in silly hats are voting on who will next get to wear the silliest hat of all). I learned that the Pope also goes by the name “The Vicar of Christ” which immediately made me wonder who Dibley is.

I also like Ron Howard (he’s directed some great films, produced some great TV, gives great interview), but when he decided to fade from a glowing communion wafer to one of the facilities at CERN (The European Center of Nuclear Research or Something or Other), I knew this wasn’t going to be an exercise in subtlety.

The basic premise (which is already a gargantuan misnomer) is that someone has stolen anti-matter and four of the front-runners in the silly-hat election and is threatening to kill them. So the Vatican sends Dave Pasquesi to get Tom Hanks and fly back to the Vatican. By the time they get there, they only have a few hours until the first murder (which makes me wonder why they didn’t maybe teleconference instead).

Hollywood seems to have taught itself that the best action movies are non-stop thrill rides. The Dark Knight began with a bank robbery and never stopped spinning plates and advancing the narrative forward. Here, we get a lecture on what a camerlengo is (I want to write a Broadway musical based on this movie and call it CAMERLENGO!), see a barely-explained experiment partially stolen (thank God I read comic books or I’d have no idea what anti-matter is) and then watch as Tom Hanks listens to yet still more exposition about the Illuminati and the kidnappings and… it’s pretty to look at (thanks for the haircut, Tom), but it’s also what happens when you try to adapt a long complex novel into a 2-hour popcorn flick. It’s a ticking clock that everyone understands is ticking, but no one (except Saint Tom) really seems too worried about the approaching deadlines for executions (at some point after at least one murder has taken place, the Camerlengo gives Tommy a change of clothes [a priest's black suit] and, as Tom races to try and prevent another murder, he stops him to ask “Would it surprise you to hear those clothes suit you?” to which Tom smiles and calmly responds, “It would surprise the Hell out of me.” and they both smile and I wanted to scream “I hope you don’t look back on this gayballs dialogue as the amount of time you needed to have saved the next guy!”).

This is basically a battle between science (the Illuminati) and religion (the church) as filtered through the action movie structure (think The Bourne Papacy). So once we’ve eaten all our vegetables and understand what’s going on and why, the clock really starts ticking and each clue must be discovered in the nick of time and can they prevent the Vatican from blowing up in time?!?!?!?

Here’s my biggest problem with this movie: the riddle-like clues and the answers to them. It’s like an old episode of the Batman TV show.

ROBIN: What did the Riddler say?

BATMAN: He said, “What has hands, but no thumbs?”

ROBIN: A clock!

BATMAN: Precisely. And what does time do, old chum?

ROBIN: Time… flies? Of course! He’s planning to rob the Flyswatter Museum!

That’s what this movie was like. For every interpretation of a clue that Tom has (and which always turns out right), there are an infinite amount of equally-plausible possibilities. I guess Ron figured that we’d all be so happy to have gotten through all the exposition that we wouldn’t care if the action made little sense — at least it was action!

Tom races away from the guy guarding him in the Vatican library and speeds away in a cop car to Raphael’s tomb. And there he meets… the guy from the library. B’also? If I were Vatican Police and this shit was going on? I’d be freaking out. When does the Vatican Police ever have anything exciting to do? Come on, Vati-cops! I just saw a priest’s corpse being eaten by rats! And another burn to death! Why are you all still so calm????

While Angels & Demons will go down in history as the only film ever wherein its protagonist exclaims, “Of course! Bas relief!” it will also be remembered as a movie that tried so hard to make everyone look like a suspect that no one seemed to be acting naturally.

The Camerlengo at the end of the movie tells Tom that “religion is flawed only because man is flawed.” This is the closest that a film about the struggle between religion and science can come to a compromise. And though I haven’t read the book, that’s what this movie felt like to me. A compromise. A watering down. An abridgment. Or maybe it was an implausible and mediocre book to begin with.

I’d say B/B- (but Pasquesi gets an A) since it has a great cast and (though I may have rolled my eyes once or thrice) a few pretty cool sequences. You can (and will) do far worse this summer.

Oh, also? [SPOILER-ISH WARNING!!!] If you do go see the movie, consider this: Tom Hanks is supposed to be a super-duper riddle solver. Galileo told him to “let angels guide you” and this sent him on a wild goose chase all over Rome ending… at the Castle of the Angels — which used to be a prison the Vatican used to hold members members of the Illuminati. That’s some super-duper riddle-solving, that is.

Tanned, rested and ready.

Firstly, I need to share something from LAST Sunday’s paper (5/10). Kyle Smith (the movie critic) gets to share his right-wing opinions every Sunday and I was kind of floored by this one. “A wife less ordinary” begins thusly:

“John and Elizabeth Edwards have proven themselves the perfect match. On the one hand, you’ve got a lying, hypocritical, power-hungry narcissist. And then there’s her husband.”

That’s the bolded first paragraph. But, expecting many to share my reaction (“Wow.”), Kyle follows that with “Yes, I’ve heard she has cancer. I think it might have been mentioned on the campaign trail once or twice, in 2008. ‘Vote for me, my wife has cancer!’”

Oh, Kyle. Save some of that wit for your movie reviews! And on behalf of Mr. Edwards (who I’m not really a big fan of anymore) and myself, let me add, “You’re a dick, my wife has cancer!”

---

I’m watching episodes of Daisy of Love online as I read/write and Teresa, you’re welcome. Add another notch to the bedpost tally of bullets I’m taken for you (also, just to be safe, call Dr. Ehrlich*). I’m really mad at you, Bethany.

I mean, what does that say about Daisy that New York (the whore, not the city or state) attracted smarter men than her? And I’m including Flavor Flav.

* Dr. Ehrlich’s Magic Bullet? No? Sigh…

---

Here’s an abbreviated rundown of what I learned from yesterday’s paper:

* Michael Jackson has skin cancer on his upper body and pre-cancerous cells on what’s left of his face.

* A 66-year-old in England went to a fertility clinic in the Ukraine to get in vitro fertilization — because the clinics in her homeland don’t treat patients over 50 (if by some miracle this woman’s baby isn’t profoundly handicapped, at the very least, it’ll get to bury its mother before it heads to college) (Apocalypto notwithstanding)

* 212 and 917 are sold out. 718 and 347 will be sold out by late 2011. Hey, New York! Guess who’s getting a FIFTH area code soon!

* J. Ezra Merkin (he convinced members of his synagogue to invest with his pal Bernie Madoff — the temple members’ estimated losses: $2,000,000,000) is about to become the temple’s chairman. One temple-goer said of the man who shares his name with a pubic wig, “When he stands and holds the Torah, people want to throw up.”

* Is Madonna marrying Jesus Lite (sorry, Jesus Luz)? Oh, I surely hope so!

* Martin Scorsese is looking for someone to play a young Frank Sinatra. He wants Johnny Depp or James Franco. Or Mark Wahlberg. Or Jake Gyllenhaal. Or Justin Timberlake. Or Michael Buble. Or Jon Hamm. Hey, Marty? Call Toby Huss.

* Porn imitates “art” imitating life! Former California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey is starring in a brand new porno that combines America’s love of schadenfreude with America’s love of masturbating: Celebrity Pornhab with Dr. Screw (see what they did there?) is expected to hit viewing booths sometime… oh who cares.

* The University of Arizona is even more pathetic than I imagined.

* Buzz Aldrin thinks we should partner up our space program with China’s (he was playing solitaire as he expressed this).

* A man who faxed his hospitalized and dying wife that he wanted a divorce (and who shares [more than just] his name with a small lizard) called Nancy Pelosi’s accusation that the CIA misled the House, “…the most despicable, dishonest and vicious political effort I’ve seen in my lifetime.” (and if you mix up the letters in his last name [and add 2 excalmation marks], they spell “I, GRINCH! G!”

* I didn’t read the story very carefully, but either Marlo Thomas is Jewish or Arkansas State Senator Kim Hendren is a phenomenal douchebag (or both).

* Terminator: Salvation is part one of a trilogy.

* Don’s date didn’t go well because his date had an “inability to catch my humor. For example, I explained that I switched majors to Communication Arts because many people told me I have a great voice for radio and I would always tell them, ‘What? My face isn’t pretty enough for TV?’ That comment, with several others, flew right over her head and piled up behind her in the booth.” Don will die cold and alone (in an oddly-shaped booth).

* While I wasn’t looking, the Yankees managed to hurdle over .500 again.

* A-Rod even hit a walk-off home-run!

---

And then we’re at today. Back feels much much better. Not 100%, but a vast improvement over the last few weeks. So relieved. So so relieved. And thank you, America, for making Angels & Demons the #1 movie of the weekend. I should be able to run errands and catch the 2:00 movie (knocks e-wood). I thought Star Trek had a shot at staying on top, but they missed by $5,000,000 or so (give or take).

---

Let me be clear: I am pro-gay marriage as a noun, anti-gay marriage as a verb (unless used for comic effect).

“I believe in gay marriage.” (pro)

“If this state starts to gay marry, I’m moving!” (anti)

“I want to gay marry whoever invented ice cream.” (pro)

---

An assistant principal in Queens is the city’s first known H1N1 casualty. Not very epidemic, but sad nonetheless. Maybe, in his honor, I’ll sneak bacon into the movie…

---

Ridership on subway dwindling? REALLY? Well… does it say why? I mean… is it the fare hikes? The service cuts? The smell of fecal matter? The rats? The intermittent trains? The loudspeakers that loudly emit noises that may have started as English words but have somehow become gibberished taunts somewhere along the way?

MTA, I hate you.

---

Maureen Dowd used a paragraph from Talking Points Memo “virtually word-for-word” in her New York Times column. She has since apologized for the error. But she claims that she never read the blog where the sentence first appeared. She claims she heard the words from a friend. Sure, you Dowd. Did. Sorry.

---

David Cross, 45, was seen making out with his girlfriend, Amber Tamblyn, 26.

Mr. Show and Joan of Arcadia? Only in America.

---

GQ has a nice piece on Rumsfeld. And by nice piece, I mean that I didn’t think I could hate hi more than I did.

---

Page 25. Good Christ.

Full color giant photo of Mason Reese. Remember him? In the 70’s he was in almost every commercial. In fact, Mr. Show’s story of Josh “It’s Pumpkininny!” Fenderman is based (in part) on Reese’s “borgasmord” commercials.

So adorable.

Here’s what he looks like today.

Love the Big Apple Conventions pass.

---

Of 118 consumer monthlies monitored by MIN, 8 posted gains. People’s Style Watch is up 16% and Successful Farming is up 10%. I understand the latter and am puzzled by the former.

---

We’re only a game and a half behind Boston? Huh. 20-17 doesn’t feel so bad after all.

---

And we’re not only on a 5-game winning streak — the last THREE games have had walk-off home runs. Yesterday it was Damon (Friday it was Leche). I think I’ll try and watch/listen to the game tonight.

---

Off to bank and Target in the hopes that I can get home with the spoils and over to the movie by 2.

Kisses!!!

What a phenomenally shitty day.

Maybe I’ll cheer up by tomorrow and feel like being silly again.

If so, see you then. If not, I’ll at least try to come up with a better excuse than a foul mood.

Deal?

Deal.

What an… incredibly lazy… day.

We… slept in and… had leftovers for… breakfast and lunch.

No… outside please.

But I promised you the follow-up for the egotistical hematologist. Here we go. Then more cuddletime.

I was told that the doctor would call me the following day (Thursday) and I decided to do my chores in the morning, as I felt pretty awful and figured it would be better to feel awful and finish grocery shopping with a nice chunk of time before I’d have to cook. Well, the plan worked brilliantly as I had time to catch Star Trek.

I remember remembering that my cell phone was still on about 25 minutes into the movie, but figured no one was going to call. I was wrong. It rang about 30 minutes later. Despite firmly pressing both of my palms against the phone in my pocket (and I’m happy to see you), I could still hear the muffled buzzing. Luckily the cast of Saved By the Enterprise was engaged in a battle with loud explosions, so I drew no dirty glances.

When I left the theater, I turned on my phone and heard the following voicemail:

“Hi, Jed… this is ______ calling from Dr. ______’s office? Um… the doctor wanted me… to set up an appointment with you… for another blood test… in two weeks.”

Now, what I was told by Dwarfy McPantsuit was that she (not a representative or ambassador — SHE) would call me after she got the results to discuss them. At issue is my white blood cell count. My last two blood draws showed it was low. Not OMG!!! low, but Gee, maybe you should take a closer look at this in case it’s worse than it seems low. If nothing was wrong, I expected a “Hi, Jed, the test is fine and we should do another one in ___ weeks.” to which I would reply “Let me get back to you.” which I planned on never doing.

If it was not good news, I expected the doctor to say that I needed to come in to discuss the results (bad news over the phone = rare [in the medical world that I imagine existing but might actually not]). And since there’s a chance that I might say, “No, tell me over the phone! I can handle it!” I imagine that bad news appointments are scheduled by the receptionist so she can claim ignorance (somewhat credibly).

My mouth started to get very dry (the satchel of popped corn I had just inhaled helped) and my heart sank. How will I be able to take care of Teresa while dealing with my own newly-discovered blood disease? How much more of this shit are we supposed to get dumped on us before that garbage bag of money turns up? The message continued.

“Dr. ____ got your test results back and… everything is OK… but she wants you to do a follow-up the week of the 25th. Please give me a call at ______.”

Was that the kind of message they give to the dying? That “everything is OK… but”? So that you go in to your revelatory follow-up with calmness? I got home and called this woman back.

“Hi, my name is Jed Resnik? I think you left me a message an hour ago?”

“Yes. We need to make you a follow-up appointment.”

“Uh-huh. See, Dr. ____ told me that she was going to call me to discuss my results today. But now she wants me to come into her office so she can discuss them face-to-face with me?”

“Um… no. The test results were fine. Nothing bad. But she wants to make sure that this test wasn’t a fluke, so you set up an appointment for the week of the 25th, go to Lenox Hill that morning and Dr. _____ will be able to discuss your results when you see her at ____.”

Part of me was thinking, “Screw this. I needed this woman’s OK for my shot, which I’m getting tomorrow, and to make sure my blood is strong like bull. I got the OK and my blood is strong like bull. Leave this member of the Lollipop Guild to her mirror-gazing and armchair diagnoses. She just wants your co-pay!” But another equally vocal part of me was thinking, “Your doctor did a second test before suggesting a hematologist. Second tests seem like a good idea. If the second test is good then you can live a happy life secure in the knowledge that, as of 2009, you have healthy blood. In your overweight, rarely exercising husk. That seems cheap at $10.”

So I set up a follow-up appointment. Makes sense to cross my teas and dot my eyes (whatever that means). But I hate this woman. And now I hate her stupid receptionist who left me a vague message that seemed (to me, anyway) to imply that I might be ill.

The pain in my back (30 hours after the shot) is weird. It’s a more preferable pain in some ways, but I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve. I just want the morning to get here so I can find out if I like my presents or not.

And there you have it. I’ll go back to the well of the Post tomorrow. Until then, sleep well and shut up.

First I felt a pinch, then a burning, then a needle going halfway through me (my anatomical knowledge is on par with my physics, so it might have been less). I was surprised how manageable the pain was (not that it was pleasant). Then the doctor (good guy) told me I’d feel a little pressure.

When you hear that, what do you think of? What is “a little pressure” to you? Because my concept of “a little pressure” was embarrassingly underestimatory. It honestly felt like he was injecting something that expanded as it left the syringe. I heard, “How are you doing?” and offered a weak “I want to go home” but wanted to scream “My lower back is about to explode! You’re doing it wrong! Someone in the waiting room call me an ambulance!”

And then it was over. And the part of my back that was killing me now felt like a sleeping marshmallow. The doctor and nurse seemed amused by my recovery — he explained that the numbness would fade in about 3 hours (3:30 – 3:45), the steroids that now live in my tushy would kick in a few hours after that, and I should feel 100% better in 2 -  3 days (if, in fact, my sacro-crackerjack joint was the problem). If I still have pain after that time, then I push the panic button and start to cry.

I am going to soak in the tub. Do the Onion crossword. Try to relax. I can already feel the pain returning in my hindquarters (though not as bad as it has been and also with an added “burning” sensation! yayz!) and I might need to act as Teresa’s escort tonight (if her day is as bad as expected). At least I hung up my cane. As much as I love House, that’s not fun.

Have a lovely weekend, all. I’ll tell you the second part of the blood doctor story tomorrow. Promise.