Archive for June, 2009

Rest in peace, Billy Mays!

Some blockbuster comedies deserve their success (The 40-Year-Old Virgin) while others (Wedding Crashers) fail to amuse me in the slightest.

I love Zach Galifianakis. I think he’s one of my generation’s best stand-ups, but his past cinematic endeavors have been underwhelming in comparison.

My wife and I went to see The Hangover hoping that we would get a few solid laughs and not be bored in between hijinx. We set our bar low and wound up howling for most of its running time.

Most of the people that read my blog have probably already seen this, but if you haven’t, let me assure you that (unless you disike goofy low-brow expletive-laden comedies on the whole) you will enjoy yourself. Here is a brief (and incomplete) list of things that made me smile:

* Fellow JTS Brownie Gillian Vigman had a nice cameo (and, surely, a part in the sequel?) as did Matt Walsh and Jeffrey Tambor.

* Zach helping a baby pretend to masturbate. Twice.

* “They gave out rings at the Holocaust?”

* “You are literally too stupid to insult.”

* “That Jewish actor.”

* Every scene with Leslie Chow.

And make sure that you take a deep breath before the closing credits start. You will be screamlaughing.

That’s all. It’s dirty, it’s funny and it proves once and for all that Mike Tyson can’t convincingly play HIMSELF in a movie (though Tyson was a great documentary).

A-

http://improvresourcecenter.com/mb/showthread.php?p=581824

I called it on November 17th, 2006.

Everyone owes me a dollar!

How can you angrily discuss “twitters” and “my dips on dipdive”? What the fuck is anyone talking about anymore? Do I have a concussion? When did I become a grandfather?

B’also? REHEARSE YOUR MONOLOGUE. We can wait the extra two minutes for you to get your shit together and come correct,Will Period I Period Am All In Lowercase For Some Reason.

G’night!

(Thanks, Kevin!)

Billy Joel is getting a divorce because his wife (92 years his junior) came to the realization that staying at home in Long Island with the Piano Man’s old man balls isn’t as much fun as doing drugs and sleeping with Israeli fashion designers (really?).

A Malawian judge accepted undisclosed millions and a sloppy blowjob from the man formerly known as Madonna in exchange for Mercy, her second non-orphan adoptee. Some of this is speculation on my part (that may not actually be the girl’s name).

Chris Brown will receive 5 years of probation, 1 year of domestic counseling (does it really take a year to explain why beating the shit out of your girlfriend is a bad idea?) and 1,400 hours of community service… that he will serve in Virginia. Chrissy made this last-minute plea bargain deal just before Rihanna was supposed to testify about how brutally he beat her up. Nice timing, Chris and his soulless lawyer Mark Geragos!

The governor of South Carolina has been found: after four days of people wondering where he was, Mark Sanford explained that he was hiking on “the Appalachian Trail” in a “guys-only group.” I’m amazed he took the penises out of his mouth long enough to make the phone call. And for the record: he was also with this group when he went “dove hunting in Argentina” last year. So gay.

Jon & Kate are getting divorced?!?! Gee, I wonder if they’ll each get their own “show” now.

The Black Eyed Peas’ manager beat up Perez Hilton?!? Do my research for me, Young Turks!

Yeah… I’d feel bad for him if he didn’t make a living drawing fake jism on celebrities’ faces. Or if he hadn’t complained that will.iam should have punched him himself. And that Fergie is “fugly, bitch!” Hey, Mario the professional antagonist? Aggro a pair.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art fired 357 people — 14% of its total staff.

The MTA has decided that Bruce Ratner doesn’t need to pay them the $100,000,000 he owes them… at least not for another 22 years. B’also? The $345,000,000 in improvements he promised to make to the Vanderbilt Yards? He can chop $100,000,000 off of that, too. I passionately hate the MTA.

Facing accusations that her time at Riker’s was far from actual punishment, Foxy “I Shoplift Belts!” Brown fired back, “It was incarceration, not vacation” (I wonder if she sang that). She added, “I only wore the designer clothing I was allowed to have” (that’s deep) and “there were certain gang colors my sneakers couldn’t be.” Why is this woman not standing in the path of an oncoming bus right this very second?

Rest in peace, analog television, Kodachrome and Ed McMahon.

Transformers 2: Clank! Crash! Peow! Peow! Kaboom! is 2 and a half hours long. Goddamnit.

Vince “I Sell The ShamWow On The TV And Also A Hooker Beat Me Up” Shlomi was in a car accident. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.

I’m hoping to see The Taking of Pelham 123 today, but I’m coaching tonight so I prolly won’t write it up until tomorrow. Look for my review of The Hangover later today.

And have a loverly Tuesday.

Unfortunately, a passing illness (flu? fever? ebola?) is preventing me from spending Father’s Day with my father. But my newly-healthy wife is doing a gangbusters-level job of nursemaiding.

Whilst perusing Facebook, I noticed this video Lizz Winstead posted. Is it in poor taste? Prolly. But I don’t care. It made me laugh.

Happy Father’s Day to all fathers (but especially mine). Please to enjoy this video. And if you find it offensive, then go yell at Lizz.

Not has. Had. With a d.

Just got the all-clear from NYU.

To celebrate, we’re taking up smoking again.

Just kidding. About the smoking. But Teresa is now totally sans cancer and we’re totally relieved. And grateful. And giddy.

Greg Giraldo CRUSHED us last night (look for the special on Comedy Central in August). It’s been a great 24 hours. Maybe we should buy a lottery ticket. Or 50.

More to come…

Teresa is no longer a threat to humanity (on a radioactive level, anyway).

And my back diagnosis is… I’m cured!

(Does happy dance, lands wrong, raises fists towards the sky like Wolverine did in his recent movie THREE TIMES)

We’re off to stroll through Union Square, eat WHATEVER WE WANT TO (suck it, low iodine diet!), and then attend the early taping of Greg Giraldo’s new stand-up CD/DVD.

Thank you again to everyone that has helped both of us through this (it isn’t totally over, but the worst is hopefully [*knocks wood*] behind us). And maybe I’ll be back to updating this thing a little more reg’lar-like, now that I can hang up my nurse’s outfit (stop laughing/dry heaving).

Toto has never sounded so beautiful.

(the typos are equally beautiful)