Billy Joel is getting a divorce because his wife (92 years his junior) came to the realization that staying at home in Long Island with the Piano Man’s old man balls isn’t as much fun as doing drugs and sleeping with Israeli fashion designers (really?).

A Malawian judge accepted undisclosed millions and a sloppy blowjob from the man formerly known as Madonna in exchange for Mercy, her second non-orphan adoptee. Some of this is speculation on my part (that may not actually be the girl’s name).

Chris Brown will receive 5 years of probation, 1 year of domestic counseling (does it really take a year to explain why beating the shit out of your girlfriend is a bad idea?) and 1,400 hours of community service… that he will serve in Virginia. Chrissy made this last-minute plea bargain deal just before Rihanna was supposed to testify about how brutally he beat her up. Nice timing, Chris and his soulless lawyer Mark Geragos!

The governor of South Carolina has been found: after four days of people wondering where he was, Mark Sanford explained that he was hiking on “the Appalachian Trail” in a “guys-only group.” I’m amazed he took the penises out of his mouth long enough to make the phone call. And for the record: he was also with this group when he went “dove hunting in Argentina” last year. So gay.

Jon & Kate are getting divorced?!?! Gee, I wonder if they’ll each get their own “show” now.

The Black Eyed Peas’ manager beat up Perez Hilton?!? Do my research for me, Young Turks!

Yeah… I’d feel bad for him if he didn’t make a living drawing fake jism on celebrities’ faces. Or if he hadn’t complained that will.iam should have punched him himself. And that Fergie is “fugly, bitch!” Hey, Mario the professional antagonist? Aggro a pair.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art fired 357 people — 14% of its total staff.

The MTA has decided that Bruce Ratner doesn’t need to pay them the $100,000,000 he owes them… at least not for another 22 years. B’also? The $345,000,000 in improvements he promised to make to the Vanderbilt Yards? He can chop $100,000,000 off of that, too. I passionately hate the MTA.

Facing accusations that her time at Riker’s was far from actual punishment, Foxy “I Shoplift Belts!” Brown fired back, “It was incarceration, not vacation” (I wonder if she sang that). She added, “I only wore the designer clothing I was allowed to have” (that’s deep) and “there were certain gang colors my sneakers couldn’t be.” Why is this woman not standing in the path of an oncoming bus right this very second?

Rest in peace, analog television, Kodachrome and Ed McMahon.

Transformers 2: Clank! Crash! Peow! Peow! Kaboom! is 2 and a half hours long. Goddamnit.

Vince “I Sell The ShamWow On The TV And Also A Hooker Beat Me Up” Shlomi was in a car accident. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.

I’m hoping to see The Taking of Pelham 123 today, but I’m coaching tonight so I prolly won’t write it up until tomorrow. Look for my review of The Hangover later today.

And have a loverly Tuesday.