Archive for July, 2009

Give it a minute. This is part of a video that MJ made with Stan Winston (and a youngish Mos Def) called Ghosts. The back-up dancers were originally translucent ectoplasm (see also: semen) that MJ shot all over his house. The basic story is that the mob (led by a white guy that’s actually MJ) wants MJ to leave. The kids LOVE him. But this old white guy (it’s really MJ!) wants MJ gone badly. MJ will eventually (through movie magic) become translucent ectoplasm (see also: ejaculate) and shoot himself down the white guy’s throat (I have a hunch that this is the moment MJ came to the table with [sorry] and the rest of the film was written around it).

Yes, the YouTube has all parts of this floating around. At the end, MJ crumbles to dust on the floor.

But then he’s OK and the kids are far happier than they have any right to be.

You know what? I think it may still be too soon.

Please make a note of it.

Wanna throw up?

1) Go to eBay.
2) Type in “Michael Jackson program.”
3) Bask in his fans’ loyalty and class.

P.S. – I saw The Proposal today. Might could put 2 movie reviews up tomorry.

Thanks to Brian for finding this.

You’re welcome.

A Cheeto that looks a little like a photograph of Michael Jackson taken from far away.

(waves miniature American flag)

Been a while.

Teresa (and I) have been fighting fairly wicked colds/flus/ailmentations for a while (Teresa got it and then gave it to me for my birthday). So she’s been working from home and I’ve been foraging and caring for her while also occasionally spitting mucous into our toilet.

Also, I recently discovered that my phone is broken. I was all set to visit Verizon today, but they’re closed for the holiday (which was yesterday, right?). So I’ll go in tomorrow. Maybe I’ll upgrade to one of them fancy new phones with the touchscreen and the whatnots!

I owe you horrible people my review of the new (astonishingly awful) The Taking of Pelham 123 and I also have to spend some time at the Pavilion (starting tomorrow) to see The Proposal (ick), Transformers 2 (mega-ick) and whatever the number 1 movie is this week (which looks like… Ice Age 3. Goddamnit.), all of which are, sadly, playing there.

In addition, I’ve wanted to add so many people to the Hall of Fame for Jerks (Debbie Rowe! Michelle Bachman! Sarah Palin! Palin’s spokeswoman!) but time don’t permit as yet. However, Teresa is working on her [TOP SECRET PROJECT] now, so I have some time to kill and figured I’d get back to basics and give the people what they want. So, without further ado, here’s Sunday’s Post.

Steve McNair (the married 36-year-old former QB for the Tennessee Titans) and a 20-year-old female “friend” (Iranian Sahel Kazemi) were shot several times in a condo in Nashville.

Prior to their murders (if that’s what they in fact were), McNair was threatened in a restaurant by a woman who claimed he had slipped her a roofie a year earlier.

Sources claim that McNair (did I mention he was married?) had been dating Kazemi for months.

More will come out in the next few days, but whatever the circumstances surrounding their deaths, Steve and Sahel deserved better.

Also on the front page: Jackson 4

Apparently, the rest of the Jackson 5 will replace Michael on his tour. And Janet said that she would “probably” join her less-talented siblings for “a date in August.” And LaToya said that she would “happily sleep next to the tour bus” in exchange for some cold cuts or “even dog food would be aight.”

I don’t even have a ticket and I want my money back.

People are once again permitted to visit The Statue of Liberty’s crown.

But only 30 per hour are allowed up the tiny staircase leading to her hollow skull (women… am I right?), so if you want to see out of her head, immigrate there early.

Joey Chestnut once again defeated Takeru Kobayashi in yesterday’s Nathan’s hot-dog eating competition (more like “chompetition”… am I right?). Joey ate 68 hot dogs, setting a new world record.

Congratulations?

If you own a Build-A-Bear, you might want to check and see if its stuffed with heroin.

A drug ring in Da Bronx was uncovered recently, which moved its $30,000,000 (weekly!) shipments around the city in B-A-B teddy bears.

Adorable.

A church group in Lakeland, Florida was playing soccer and volleyball at a Fourth of July gathering yesterday when God decided to send a bolt of lightning down, killing one church member and injuring another 27.

Here endeth the lesson.

North Korea loves shooting their missiles! They shot seven yesterday! Into the sea!

Are they at war with the sea?

Page Six (today on page 13) sez that Johnny Depp hated working with Michael Mann because Mann kept wanting additional takes and Depp ain’t ’bout that. So don’t expect to see them hawking the movie together.

There is an alleged serial killer stalking the citizens of Gaffney, South Carolina (2000 Census listed its population at 12,968). He may have just claimed his (her?) fifth victim.

It’s always chilling when a serial killer targets real Americans.

Gays still can’t get married, but in Saudi Arabia a newlywed man decided that his wife spent too long in the bathroom so he got on a flight for Malaysia.

His new wife has already filed for divorce.

I forget — is it “the sanctity of marriage” or “the sanctimony of marriage”?

Hmmm… big article about how Mullah Zakir a.k.a. Abdul Qayum Zakir a.k.a. Abdullah Ghulam Rasoul was a Gitmo detainee and is now the leader of a reconstituted Taliban in Afghanistan (one that is fighting our troops).

Towards the end of the fifth paragraph, I found this: “He… was transferred to Guantanamo around 2006, then to Afghanistan government custody in late 2007, and was eventually released around May 2008.”

I wish I could remember who was POTUS then…

Some old folks like to shoot the shit in their condominium’s lobby. They’ve been doing so for 14 years. The management recently decided that they weren’t allowed to do that anymore. They started issuing fines ($25!) to the four senior citizens. So the old folk are taking their condo board to court.

When asked what they like to chat about in the lobby, Lee Tepper, 86, mentioned “the plight of the Yankees and Mets, Iran and the circus up in Albany.” He then added, and I swear I am copying this verbatim, “We don’t play Johnny On The Pony in the lobby.”

My greatest fear is that these people will die before I find out how to play Johnny On The Pony.

Bill Quick (great name for a lawyer… am I right?) offers the newly ex-Governor of Alaska some advice on how to “go after her higher calling.”

1) Start putting her national team together now.

Yeah… national team of lawyers, am I right? Although, I think she dropped a hint in her speech that she was doing just this. It was when she said that the country “needs more Trigs.”

2) Ignore the mainstream media and the Democratic party.

Um, Bill? You do realize this is being published in the New York Post, right? B’also? Talk to some ALASKAN REPUBLICANS and ask them how they feel about ex-Governor Youbetcha. Quit blaming the Democrats for everything.

3) Set out to remake the GOP in her image.

Yes, please, oh fucking Christ, yes! Totally! Dim-witted platitude-spouting walking contradiction is the wave of the future! Further alienate anyone who doesn’t speak in tongues for Jeebus! Well put, Bill Quick!

4) In this process, she should define herself as attacking Obama’s policies and offering real conservative solutions and alternatives.

Oh, Bill Quick. You lost me at “In.” Palin had all the time in the world to put together a farewell speech that made her look even vaguely competent. She failed miserably. But now she should be the spearhead of the conservative movement? Are you secretly a Democrat, Bill Quick?

5) Take unapologetic advantage of the fact that she is a woman.

And then go on the news and play the victim, right? Quick goes on to predict that Palin will not only position herself as “the only politician to defeat Obama and his surrogates” but that in response to her ascension, Hillary Clinton will quit her job to run against Palin as “the only Democrat who has a chance to beat Governor Palin.” Um… she isn’t Governor anymore. She quit that job. Didn’t even serve a full term. He ain’t Governor Spitzer, she ain’t Governor Palin.

And I predict that she will have her own talk show on Fox by 2010.

Presumably called A Face In The Crowd with Sarah Palin.

Or You Betcha!

Newest fad to hit the interwebs?

Faking your own death to get sympathy on social networking sites.

It’s called “pseuicide.”

Happy Fourth of July.

Teresa just informed me that the actor who plays Ron Weasley in the ‘Arry Poh’er movies has contracted swine flu.

What a brilliant marketing gimmick!

Yankees are one game out of first. Hope you enjoyed your time in first place, Boston.

If you want to smell the remnants of Michael Jackson’s sperms (with hints of wine and chimp leavings), stop by Coney Island and ride the newly-transported-from-Neverland-Ranch Dragon Wagon Kiddie Coaster.

And Teresa has just informed me that Marion Barry is now being charged with stalking.

Cracky.

I mean, crikey.

Time to change the phlegm buckets!

Teresa and I are both ill, but through our loogie-hocking, this made us laugh. And now, it’s back to Little Britain USA!