Archive for August, 2009

We were going to go out for dinner tonight… then came the biggest rainstorm I’ve ever seen. So, as thunder (that lasts for up to 30 seconds) booms outside and my beautiful wife finishes packing our new collection of coral/shells, I’ll speed through the newspapers that don’t really fit in my carry-on anymore (maybe I’ll discuss our trip during the flight home… the flight here was spend trying to look away from My Life In Ruins and failing miserably [just like My Life In Ruins!])

TUESDAY

Wait a minute… LaToya Jackson was RIGHT?!?! MJ was murdered by shitty doctors? Huh. Apparently, MJ referred to Propofol as “his milk” because a) it has a milky appearance; b) he used it to go to sleep every night; c) HE WAS OUT OF HIS FUCKING MIND. But let’s hope that all of his enablers get what they deserve.

The founder of the Kaplan test-preparation company, Stanley H. Kaplan has died (or perhaps he would prefer the term “passed”?).

A woman removed her dead husband from his final resting place in order to sell his crypt to the highest bidder. He used to be in the crypt above Marilyn Monroe. It was supposed to be where Joe DiMaggio would be buried, but then he and Monroe got divorced so he sold it to Richard Poncher in 1954. His widow evicted him and sold his now-penultimate resting place for $4,602,100. God bless eBay (and heartless widows).

Rich Lowry defends Leon Panetta (and the atrocities committed in our names) by stating: “Proving torture in a court of law is much harder than braying about it ion op-ed pages.” Good point, Dick. And writing a column full of disingenuous bullshit is easier than not being an asshole.

Why We Don’t Use Our Television Anymore Volume 275 Part 672: Look for a new reality show called Adopted which will follow Pauly Shore’s attempt to adopt an African child. I am not kidding.

Yesterday there was a fashion spread of a woman in various tennis outfits. This prompted someone to write into the NYP and say, “It’s as if she exudes every element of desirability.” If only this man had access to actual pornography, maybe he wouldn’t seem so creepy.

The Idea Factory had an idea (!) for a reality show wherein Jean-Claude Van Damme, Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal lived in a house together (no title was given, but Remember When I…?, Whatever Happened To Us?, Punchy Drunks and Dad? Who Are These People On My TV? all seem like strong contenders [unlike the three "stars"]). A&E are going forward (or is it backwards?) with Steven Seagal: Lawman. So The Idea Factory sued A&E. Who is suing them back. Which means that more people will be discussing this show in court than will ever watch it on TV.

Teresa? Cross Marion, Alabama off the list (if you haven’t already). A 2- or 3-year-old feud (no one in Alabama can count that high, I guess) was the cause of a fight at a high school last Sunday. It began when someone shot out someone’s window. This scuffle turned into (and I’m not making this up) “a full-scale riot.” Up to 150 people (in a town of 3,300) were “hurling tire irons” and “throwing jack irons” and “throwing tire irons” and “anything else they could get their hands on” (what about tire irons?). Some people showed up with “baseball bats and brooms.” Eight people were arrested and “at least four were hurt” (that’s some shitty rioting, folks).

Did you know that when Michael Jackson wanted to star in the movie Wolfed (no, it didn’t ever get made) as a werewolf/cobbler (and that’s partly why it never got made), he was tutored in acting several times a week by… Marlon Brando?!? Yikes.

The incredibly despicable Scottish Justice Secretary (Kenny MacAskill) who released Baset al-Megrahi from his LIFE SENTENCE (does that have a different meaning in Scottish?) is shocked and awed by the warm welcome he received from his fellow Libyans. And I’m shocked that no one has blown up Kenny’s house yet.

Boy… people sure do like fucking and masturbating in the windows of The Standard. Too bad that isn’t illegal… wait a minute.

A 7-year-old Chinese girl who was adopted by a couple on the Upper East Side was swept out to sea and drowned in Maine. Wouldn’t it have been easier to just let the Chinese government do that 7 years ago?

Barry Eisenberg of Plainview wrote in to complain about what’s being done in Times Square: “Mayor Bloomberg wants to turn this city into some European burg that caters to bikers, walkers and just plain jerks.” Why does Barry Eisenberg hate bikers and walkers? Because he’s a plain jerk (from Plainview!).

Poor Ken Basin. He won $500,000 on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? (who never got back to me… jerks). Then he guessed on the next question and walked away with $25,000. But don’t cry too hard. He’s a 24-year-old lawyer who looks like Ari Voukydis and I had a child.

WEDNESDAY

Chris Brown was sentenced to “six months of hard labor” and five years of avoiding all contact with Rihanna. Why do I think his “hard labor” will be verrrrrrrrrrry different from any other convict’s hard labor?

Whew! State education officials will no longer be attempting to force yogis to get certified before they train new yogis. [insert Boo-Boo joke here]

Sheryl Weinstein says Bernie Madoff has a tiny penis. Now you don’t have to buy her book.

Dick Cheney (America’s shittiest shitbird) is back in the news (why can’t he just fuck off and die?). This time, he’s criticizing the investigation into the TOTALLY ILLEGAL AND REPREHENSIBLE THINGS HE DID IN OUR NAMES. Earlier this year, he asked for confidential CIA documents to be released. They were. But these other ones? He ’s demanding that they not be released. WHY DOES THIS LYING ASSHOLE GET TO DECIDE WHAT BECOMES PUBLIC? HE ISN’T THE PRESIDENT ANYMORE!* Fuck you, Dick. For reals.

*see what I did there?

Charlie Rangel is a lying sack of turds. He makes me very angry.

Boston College and the University of Wisconsin were among the schools that objected to Anheuser-Busch’s decision to dress cans of their undrinkable swill in various school colors. The promotion will be dropped “in communities where schools have complained it promotes underage drinking.” But not in the other communities? Great job, A-B!

Ruth Zafrin is suing her daughter-in-law (half-Black, half-Swedish Sunda Croonquist) for making fun of Ruth in her stand-up act. Some examples: “I walk in, I say, ‘Thank you for having me here, Ruthie.’ She says, ‘The pleasure’s all mine, have a seat.’ Then, in a loud aside, ‘Harriet, put my pocketbook away.’” and “[Ruth said, ]‘Oh my God, Neil, look at her; she’s got light eyes and light hair; what kind of Black person is she?’” Whatever happens in court, Sunda is a horrible stand-up comic.

Why I Hate The MTA Reason #128,904,744: Chris Schoenfeld created an iPhone application that tells you the schedules of Metro-North and LIRR trains. The MTA claimed that the schedules were their intellectual property. They demanded $5,000 and 10% of his sales (as part of a licensing agreement). Yesterday they changed it to $700 and a disclaimer that it’s Chris’ fault if the schedules in the app are incorrect.  Had they stuck to their guns, they might have helped close their bullshit deficit.

City Comptroller Bill Thompson is a tax delinquent. Just like Rangel. What the fuck. Where are all the non-douchey politicians?

Tourists are reporting that, while walking through the new High Line Park, they’ve seen “men masturbating, professional porn films being shot, and couples engaging in sex in full view of parkgoers below” in the windows of The Standard. A front-desk staffer assured guests not to worry about the tourists complaining and taking pictures of them. “It would be illegal for anyone to take your picture through the window,” she assured guests. I’m a theater major and even I know she’s wrong (on a number of levels).

Ali Lohan is finishing her second album. She had a first album?

Sean Stewart, son of Rod, has relapsed. He stopped drinking at some point?

According to Page Six (today on page 16), Chris Brown “will now be on probation for five years and doing community service work for six” but I have a feeling the word “months” was mistakenly left off the end of the sentence.

Christopher Plummer on his upcoming movie 9 (not to be confused with the upcoming movie Nine): “This is really dark. Children shouldn’t see it.” Someone’s PR guy just dropped a client….

Richard Branson wants to buy El Al? Mazel tov!

Teresa? Cross Denver off the list. Folks there are getting signatures for a new “personhood amendment” that will give embryos the same legal status as people. I’m assuming they mean people who aren’t gay.

Michelle Malkin’s crooked eyes helped her put together a column wherein she rips into ACLU Executive Director Anthony Romero for blowing the cover of CIA agents. Did I miss her column where she did the same to the folks that did that to Valerie Plame?

Dick Morris (shudder) and Eileen McGann (who may or may not have been peeing in his mouth as they co-wrote today’s column) claim that Joe Lieberman’s criticism of Obama’s health-care initiative “may prove to be a pivotal turning point.” And Dick may stop hiring prostitutes to pee in his mouth (if Eileen is any good at it).

Sony may put the Kindle out of business. Won’t someone think of the libraries?

YouTube says they’ll start paying folks who have “viral clips” on their site. How long before a company emerges that guarantees they can get 100,000 to watch a clip on YouTube in a day?

Paula Abdul will host VH1 Divas on September 17th. The last “episode” was in April 2004. “We put the show to rest because we felt we’d exhausted the talent at the time,” explains executive producer Lee Rolontz who may or may not be kidding (I think he isn’t, though, which is kind of sad).

THURSDAY

Rest in peace, Ted Kennedy. You were a man who made a great many reprehensible mistakes, but then spent the rest of your life making up for it. And all the folks insisting you weren’t a noble human being can fuck right off.

A recent sweep found that 2,400 taxi drivers have enough points on their licenses to have them revoked. Great job, TLC!

John Liu is running for City Comptroller. His campaign is putting his posters on utility poles. Which is illegal. His campaign has received 587 summons for doing so. At $45 a pop, that’s $44,025. That’s out of comptroll.

More reasons to hate Rangel, the raspy-voiced liar. How does he still have a job?

Is there a new planet in our solar system? Is it named Wasp-18b? Can’t we just bring Pluto back?

In today’s Ted Kennedy Memorial Edition of New York’s worst newspaper, they offer 10 things “you didn’t know about Ted Kennedy” including the fact that he was cautioned by his father “to be careful in life because he was the type who always got caught.” Source, please? They also claim that Barney Frank ma take over his Senate seat. Source, please?

Nancy Reagan said, “In recent years, Ted and I found our common ground in stem-cell research, and I considered him an ally and a dear friend.” That must make some conservative heads explode. I mean, she was Jesus II’s wife!

And George W. Bush managed to insult Ted with, “In a life filled with trials, Ted Kennedy never gave in to self-pity or despair.” I truly hope your life is filled with trials soon. And that you are convicted on all counts.

Something about the Kennedys that I actually didn’t know: Ted’s sister Rosemary was mentally retarded and papa Joe had her lobotomized and institutionalized. No wonder Eunice started the Special Olympics.

And in a super-classy move, Charles Hurt’s column is titled “Kennedy clan down to its dregs”. Fuck you, Chuck.

US Airways is increasing their fees for ALL checked bags. Good luck with that, jerks.

Dominick Dunne also passed away recently. Great writer. Rest in peace, Double-D.

Is Derek Jeter engaged to Minka Kelly? So… I don’t have a shot anymore? Sigh.

A manager at one of my uncle’s hair salons (Dramatics) and some of her fellow concert-goers were escorted from their seats during Britney Spears’ MSG show on Tuesday for dancing “too provocatively.” This happened while Britney was on stage singing (?) “Get Naked”. Great job, MSG!

Ryan Adams has a new video game column on the new website, The Awl. His first column will discuss Gorf. What a great idea! That Wil Wheaton had many years ago!

Mark Sanford continues to refuse to step down. “I’m not going to be railroaded out of office by political opponents.” How about your own actions? I mean, it’s like his job is his soulmate!

A student at the University of Buffalo built an 8′ x 10′ cabin near the northern edge of their campus. He claimed that he couldn’t afford housing and tuition. But he has since changed his mind. Maybe it’s the fact that Buffalo is FREEZING for many months of the school year?

Sheryl Weinstein, that creepy lady who wrote the book about her affair with Bernie Madoff, and fellow creepy lady Cindy Adams sat down to chat. She explained that Bernie’s penis “was narrow. Tiny in terms of girth, not length.” She went on the say that Bernie “didn’t find his wife sexual. Ruth’s actually quite mannish.” Now you REALLY don’t need to buy the book.

Obama’s Cash for Clunkers program helped sell 700,000 cars. And most of them weren’t American.

Reuters recently reported that someone stole the penis off of a life-sized Lego giraffe. They later printed a retraction once someone pointed out that it was the tail that was stolen. Great job, Reuters!

Did you know that CUNY turned away 575 qualified applicants from their nursing program because they didn’t have enough instructors to teach them? What nursing crisis?

And Howie Carr also decided to shit on Ted Kennedy by reminding us that “his life was not as simple or heroic as is now being portrayed.” By now, I assume he means ON THE DAY HE’S BEING MOURNED. And Howie? He did more for this country than your entire family ever did or ever will do. Eat a dick, Howie.

Bob Dylan is releasing a Christmas album. He is also going to lend his voice to a GPS unit. I think he is suffering from dementia. Or, as he calls it, “huh-meh-hih.”

Kate Gosselin, who should be in prison, will instead guest-host The View for two days next month. So will LaToya Jackson. I think The View is suffering from dementia.

Is Paula Abdul in talks to star in a revue-style stage show in Las Vegas? Really? I think Las Vegas is suffering from dementia.

Is Don Imus getting a TV show on the Fox Business Network? I think Imus and Fox are both the scum of the earth.

FRIDAY

What happened to Jaycee Lee Dugard (and her stepfather) is disgusting. I hope Phillip Garrido and his cunt wife both get raped to death in prison. A lot.

Pedro Espada’s health-care network in the Bronx owes more than $1,000,000 in taxes. HOW. DOES THIS PIECE OF SHIT. NOT ONLY HAVE A JOB. BUT ALSO REMAIN A FREE MAN.

The guy who chatted about cooking a cat while a helicopter and plane were about to collide has been suspended. His supervisor, who should have been there to tell him to get the fuck off the phone but was “out running errands” has also been suspended. The supervisor’s name? Dennis Moore. The errands? My guess is he was stealing lupins.

Jeremy Piven has been exonerated of all charges against him in his fight against the producers of Speed-the-Plow. Disgusting.

Joseph Ballance is terrific. He approached two women in traditional Islamic robes at a Hess station in Smithtown. “This isn’t Halloween! Get into my car so I can fuck the shit out of you, chop you into little pieces and kill you,” he screamed (seemingly out of order). When police arrived he justified his actions by saying, “They don’t belong here! They shouldn’t be walking around like that!” While I agree that no one belongs in Suffolk County, people like Mr. (un)Ballance(d) remind me why freedom is a sticky wicket.

Holy shit, are you kidding me? MORE unpaid taxes for Rangel? He’s the gift that keeps on being a bastard!

Did Hilary Duff hold up filming of Gossip Girl because she was throwing a temper tantrum and refusing to leave her trailer? If so, that’s the first thing she’s done that I like!

Michael Lohan had a great idea for a new reality show (simmer down, Chin). He, Jon Gosselin and Kevin Federline would star in The Divorced Dads’ Club. But Jon said no and K-Fed is getting his own reality show (shudder), so now Mikey is trying to land (are you sitting down?) Mark Gastineau and Jose Canseco. The mouth-breather who is helping to “develop” this “show” explains the “logic” behind it: “The idea would be to tell the man’s side of the divorce, and the mistakes they’ve made, such as — I never should have brought that girl home.” I can’t wait to not watch this.

The Dutch national museum in Amsterdam just found out that the moon rock they’ve had on display is actually just a piece of petrified wood. [insert "what are they smoking" joke here]

The Federal Trade Commission is now banning “robocalls” to consumers, “unless the telemarketer has written permission from a customer that he or she wants to receive the calls.” I would absolutely love to meet all of the people who take the time to give written permission to receive robocalls. Seriously. I could scare them senseless with my “I have your nose” trick.

Six and a half pounds of weed (plus “other drugs” were found in rapper Jadakiss’ home in Yonkers. He claims he has no knowledge of how it got there. That must be some really good weed!

Did you know that Jim Norton was being sued for making fun of a guy on the “Opie and Anthony Show”? Well t he case was settled (as was Jim’s countersuit). Congrats, Jim!

Kathleen Neill of Arizona, 26, disrobed entirely in the Hall of Arms and Armor at the Met on Wednesday and lay down on the floor so that a photographer could take pictures. She was arrested for public lewdness. There were children present. “I want people to have the freedom to express themselves. I want the city of New York to drop the charges,” said the naked moron. What is in Arizona’s water (besides John McCain’s dignity)?

Currently in theaters: X-Men: Origins: George Hamilton (though I think it’s also playing as My One and Only). Don’t see it.

Yet still another reason to despise Fox: Heathers the TV series. Looks like it’ll happen, folks.

Hey, Michael Starr (of The Starr Report)? Why is Mad Men “absurdly overhyped”? Are you jealous? In addition to being a terrible writer who does nothing more than regurgitate press releases?

SATURDAY

Yet more lies from Rangel and his tax cheatin’. Seriously, how is he still employed?

Bizarro so happy! DJ AM dead! Me never stop laughing! His family happy, too! Hello!

Spike Lee threw a birthday party for Michael Jackson in Prospect Park today. SO glad I’m in a torrential downpour in Florida.

Recent photos of that girl who was kidnapped and repeatedly raped for 18 years are all blurred out to protect her privacy (though, sadly, her name is public knowledge). Luckily, the New York Post has blessed us with a photo that they digitally aged, showing us how “she might look like today.” Great job, NYP!

Oh, and the cops who were called to Phillip Garrido’s house YEARS ago and didn’t look in the backyard? They should join the Garridos in prison. And then Hell.

What do the cows know? In the Swiss village of Lauterbrunnen, dozens of cows are jumping into a deep crevasse and killing themselves. 28 have done so in just three days this week. I ask again, WHAT DO THEY KNOW???

Joe Francis and Brody Jenner got into a fistfight! Sadly, no one died. Jenner claims Francis punched his girlfriend in the face and he defended her. Francis has a different take: “I went into a submissive ball. I covered my face and let the whole thing subside.” My (lecherous, cowardly) hero!

Obesity shrinks the brains of elderly folks, making them more susceptible to Alzheimer’s and dementia. My golden years are going to be verrrrrry interesting…

Is Lindsay Lohan lying about a recent burglary at her home? Is she claiming that $2,000,000 in borrowed jewels were stolen when they weren’t there in the first place? OMG! LOL! RAOTFSRIMA!

A woman in Joliet, Illinois wanted to check how much gas she had poured in her gas can. So she lit her cigarette lighter and looked. She got many severe burns. Great job, dummy!

Jonah Goldberg (whose byline photo, like fellow scumbag Maggie Gallagher’s is about 10 years and 100 pounds lighter) has a nice little column about the not-yet-cold Ted Kennedy titled “Why He’d Want His Death Exploited”. It concludes with “I suspect that they’ll be disappointed to discover that the currency of the Kennedy name purchases far less than it once did — thanks in large part to what Ted Kennedy did with it.” Hey, Jonah? Ted Kennedy did more for America than you ever could. Fuck you.

Hey! The Yanks beat the White Sox today! 10-0! When do we clinch? And when does Boston unclench?

And that’ll do it. Have a lovely evening, kids. And pray that our plane ain’t delayed or blowed up!

The dog gets billing. Parker Lewis doesn’t.

I could also say that this is a metaphor for Florida, but I’m slightly drunk and very tired. I’ll write more later… but in the meantime, enjoy this trailer for what could be the best movie of my lifetime.

I’m sorry. That should read “the best movie on Lifetime.”

The Mrs. and I are heading to Florida today. Her boss is letting us use her air miles for the trip (fun fact: when you fly American, coach and first class cost the same amount of air miles).

We both hate American Airlines with fiery passions, but first class is first class.

I used to fly first class as a child. When we went to Disneyland, my whole family sat in the front of the plane. I was mesmerized by the buffet of snacks (a table overflowing with the same treats that folks in coach get .2 oz. pouches of [if they're lucky]). When I was sent (by myself) to visit my dad’s folks in Florida, I flew first class. They gave me one of the largest ice cream sundaes I’ve ever seen.

Ever since? Coach.

The first plane ride I took after those two first class experiences was traumatizing. It was like anaphylactic culture shock. What do you mean I can’t have a sundae? I can have something to drink… in a couple of HOURS?

Sadly, today’s flight is only three hours long (knocks wood). So we’ll barely have enough time to enjoy the luxury of first class. Last night, we starting ordering around phantom stewards/stewardesses (“You two! Fight each other!” “Go make me some bacon. I don’t care if there is none, I’m in first class! Figure it out, jerk!”).

I apologize for the lack of scribblings of late. Such is life. If I can find a New York Post in Florida, I’ll try and write dispatches from the beach. Heck, even if I can’t find the paper I might anyway.

Have a lovely week, dear readers.

God. Bless. America.

Michael Jackson’s (former) physician speaks for me.

I’m in Newport, Rhode Island with my father. We’re heading back tomorrow. Good to spend time with m’dad.

Apparently there’s a gigantic rainstorm in NYC right now. Hope m’monkey ain’t scared.

I promise to write more as soon as I can.

Special thanks to Matt Kaye for reminding me (yet again) why he’s my friend.

Ali G In Da House movie was hard to sit through. Borat made my sides hurt (but it’s starting to feel like American Beauty; I’m afraid that if I watch it again, I’ll be angry that I ever thought highly of it). Da Ali G Show (the US one) was hilarious (all three characters were brilliant in 7-minute weekly chunks).

Understand that I truly believe that Sacha Baron Cohen is the Peter Sellers of our generation (though he doesn’t appear to be as uncomfortable in his own skin). But Bruno is my least favorite of his creations and, after setting the bar so high with Borat, I feared that I would be let down by Mr. Vass-up.

Red flag #1: This movie made more money than any other film this past weekend, and it’s playing in the smallest theater in the Pavilion. Hmmm.

Did… did I just watch a clip of Courtney Cox’s new TV show Cougartown? And did someone try and winkingly explain that the show ISN’T about Cox being a “cougar” — it’s about how much the town she lives in loves their high school _____ team, who are known as the Cougars? B’also that Cox will date younger men on the show?

Ken Jeong popped up in trailers for The Goods and Couples Retreat. The two other people in the theater are freaking out about how many movies he’s in. Maybe I should go counsel them…

Rumor has it that the Vaughn/Favreau movie Couples Retreat was originally going to be called Swingers 3: The Motions, then it became Diminishing Returnz. Then The Day the Clown Cried. Then Shoah Much Fun!

From the very start of the movie I am reminded of how much I like watching SBC. But I’m also reminded of the Tom Green v. Jackass debate.

A lot of my friends love(d) Tom Green and his TV show(s). I couldn’t watch. A lot of my friends hated Jackass. I loved it. My reasoning was simple: Tom Green thinks it’s funny to put dog shit on a microphone and then shove it in the faces of people on the street, while Steve-O thinks it’s funny to staple his scrotum to his own thighs. One of these people are correct (hint: it isn’t Tom Green).

As I watched Bruno, I realized that SBC was leaning more towards Tom Green this time around. Case in point: did Ron Paul really deserve to be made to feel that uncomfortable? He thought he was being interviewed and instead he is led to a bedroom and a German man starts to undress and make sexual advances. Ron yells at him to stop blocking his exit and leaves. This is what any sane man (gay or straight) would probably do. Could no one think of a better way to make a RuPaul joke?

Additionally, it was hard to see what was real and what was fake in Borat (not counting Pamela Anderson), but the opposite is true here. Am I really supposed to believe that Bruno was hired to be an extra on Medium? Really? And that after ruining 10 takes, no one kicked him off-set? And that he still had an agent?

Granted, hearing “You tried to make my face pregnant” in a faux-German accent is funny. “Schvartz-listed” is funny. Watching him shoot a fire extinguisher into a ladyboy’s tuchus is funny.

But how much of his focus group were legit? And if six people say they don’t like your TV show because it’s nothing but slow-motion penises being shaken and an annoying German homosexual being flamboyant (and a Z-list “celeb” playing “Keep It Or Abort It?” in reference to Jamie-Lynn Spears’ fetus [they agreed that she should abort it]), does that expose their inner homophobes? Or does it just prove that these six people don’t like their time being wasted?

How real were the “Middle East Peace Talks” that he held? Did he actually tell a terrorist that bin Laden looked like a dirty wizard or homeless Santa? And did the terrorist really and truly tell him that if Bruno didn’t leave immediately that he would kill him?

Likewise, the many parents who agree to EVERYTHING that Bruno wants their extremely young children to do on film (“Oh, he LOVES lit phosphorous!” was actually uttered, and affirmatives were offered in response to “Can your 30-pound baby lose weight in a week?” and “If she doesn’t, would you consider liposuction?” and “He’ll be wheelbarrowing baby Jews into an oven — is that OK?”). This is what I like. The parents are revealing how little regard for their kids they have, if hundreds of dollars are on the line. That’s funny.

And when Bruno goes on a fake TV show (hosted by Richard Bey whom I have dearly missed) to talk about the black baby he traded for in Africa, the predominantly Black crowd (who don’t know that this is a fake TV show?) become enraged and reveal that they hate gays… who steal children from Africa… meh.

His visits with “gay converters” were fun (Dr. Paul Cameron is a Second Stage Gay Converter! Well done, Paul!), but his time with the National Guard revealed that officers don’t like it when you disobey orders and act obstinate. The swingers party was fun (he gets yelled at by a guy getting a blowjob!), but surely that woman was not improvising. Surely that window was constructed for him to jump through.

“My asshole’s just for shitting” and “We don’t like fags in Arkansas” highlight what Act 3 is all about and, quite frankly,  I got bored. Bruno sets up a big wrestling match and the crowd thinks he’s some macho TV star. But when he winds up making out with another man in the ring, can you believe that the crowd gets angry?

Me, too.

Is the movie worth seeing? On cable, yeah (if for no other reason than the musical number at the end — mad respect to Bono, Sting, Elton John, Chris Martin, Snoop Dogg, Slash…). But don’t expect to be amazed. Settle for slightly amused.

C

Is Monday morning’s popcorn whatever’s left over from the weekend? Mildly stale, oversalted… the perfect meal to eat while watching Michael Bay’s latest 2 1/2-hour toy commercial.

Coming attractions included G-Force (what a dream cast… except for Nic Cage), The Last Airbender (what a twist!) and G.I. Joe. I will have to see all of these, I just know it.

The CINEDIGM title card hurt my ears a lot. The DLP title card mildly blinded me.

With stale popcorn in my meaty fist and blood trickling out of all of my head’s orifices, I prepared for the worst.

But not enough. In honor of the disjointed, narratively retarded movie I’m reviewing, I won’t even try to weave these comments together. KA-BOOM!

I am now 100% officially an old man. I winced at the opening logos. THE OPENING LOGOS! So damn loud.

Megatron acts as the narrator (which I believe means that he can’t die in the movie, right?) and even his dulcet oil-lubed voice can’t make the plot comprehensible. There’s a shard that Shia LaBouef (French for “please pass the beef”) hasn’t noticed (it’s in the sweatshirt he’s been wearing for months) which attracts (?) space robots (?) who need it to be larger space robots (?). Also, some of the space robots are already here (they’re”the Fallen” and they want revenge).

I may be off on the plot a little, but that’s because I spent half of the movie in the fetal position on the soda-and-butter-stained floor.

Not sure why I wrote down “Baby bootie boy” or “That was a really creepy move just now.” It might have to do with the fact that Shia’s mother curses non-stop (I loves me some vulgarity but ’splain why it was even remotely necessary to have Mom scream, “You carry this shit!” and “And you can’t do shit about it!” and many other non-story-forwarding outbursts (especially since the movie is already WAY TOO LONG).

Also, kudos for the dogs having sex. Thumbs way up Michael Bay (no, there shouldn’t be a comma in that sentence).

Looking at Megan Fox is pornographic, but in a sad way.

Bumblebee (a giant space robot who speaks using radio clips that I guess he has stored in his space memory banks) cries and has space robot snot running out of his nose. WHERE CAN MAD MAGAZINE POSSIBLY TAKE THIS? IT’S ALREADY A PARODY OF ITSELF!

Aww… Megan and Shia can’t say “I love you” to each other! That’s adorable! For five whole minutes!

Is Frank Welker the voice of Soundwave? It’s a perfect match of Darkseid’s voice from Super Powers: Galactic Guardians!

It is Frank!

Boy, the government sure is stupid. They just fired the good robots for saving the world from the bad robots! Boooooo!

At one point, a human asks (about one of the giant space robots), “If God made us in his image… who made him?”

Answer: HASBRO.

Man, the POTUS is a stupid jerk! And his name is Obama! Wait a minute…

We return to Shia’s college (because this movie needs more navel-gazing). Mom eats a pot brownie and becomes retarded. There’s a terrible remix of “Burning Down the House” playing. Someone non-ironically proclaims “The internet is pure truth!”

Oh no! A hot chick wants to have sex on Shia! Oh no! Whew — the car shot space robot fluids all over them both! Yay! She huffed away covered in space robot car semens!

Either I’m having a heart attack and an acid flashback or this is a steaming pile of shit.

Megatron tells everyone that the space robots need Shia (but, you know, not specifics. Because why would Shia or anyone else — like, say, me in the audience — care about the deets?).

Poor Rainn Wilson.

Ha! A Bad Boys II poster hangs in Shia’s dorm room! LOL!!!!!!

Oh no! The hot chick is back for more sex! And it turns out… SHE’S A SPACE ROBOT!

Robots hate books! Optimus Prime dies! A robot calls Shia’s parents! Dad says “Canadian Moose Poop!” for some reason! Mom spits out escargot! THIS MOVIE IS 300 HOURS LONG! I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE DIRECTOR’S CUT!!!

Oh, look! Ghetto-bots! They talk like colored people! They have gold fronts on their teeth! THEY CAN’T READ!

Wait. Did Bumblebee just play part of a Martin Luther King speech?

I think I need to call a doctor.

No idea why someone said “You want those new teeth you saw in SkyMall?” but I’m sure it was even less funny in context.

Apparently John Turturro (poor John Turturro) works all day in a deli (he was fired after getting robo-peed on in the last movie) and also spends all day as a cyber-wizard with his own website. Sure, why not?

Oh, did I just see Mr. Turturro’s naked ass? Thanks again, Michael Bay!

Oh boy! They, like another recent sequel, are heading to the Smithsonian! LOL! And look! There’s a space robot with a thick Scottish accent! And now a tiny robot is humping Megan Fox’s leg! And you can totally tell which hand Shia crushed in his DUI during filming! And someone shouts, “you landed on my testicles!”

FINALLY someone explains (sort of) the plot and it has to do with The Matrix of Leadership. See, it’s this thing? But if you touch it, it’l disappear. Unless you’re worthy. But if you aren’t worthy, maybe later you’ll discover it’s within you? I think?

Deep Roy? Really? He and Ken Jeong are the new Ned Beatty and Charles Durning (what movies AREN’T they in?).

I’m glad this movie about space robots took the time to let the audience know that American soldiers are the true heroes. Not stupid-ass space robots. Also, Obama is a moron.

Did the Scottish space robot just say “I’m getting too old for this crap”? Again I ask, won’t someone think about Mad Magazine? How do you make fun of that?

Did Barton Fink just start screaming about an “enemy scrotum”?

Did Megan Fox telling Shia “I love you”  just bring him back to life?

Why does Michael Bay hate Egypt and me?

Why did Shia just wink at Optimus Prime (who, surprisingly, didn’t stay dead!)

Will I ever get tired of the credit “BASED ON ACTION FIGURES BY HASBRO”?

Did it really take 3 people to NOT write a decent script?

Will my ears ever stop ringing?

And, of course, when does Transformers 3: Nuttin’ But ‘Splosions open?

D-

You thought the title of this entry was a joke, but no. Even the Ukraine enjoys mediocre reality TV. But Steve Lieber, artist of many gorgeous comics (including the soon-to-be-in-theaters Whiteout) posted this clip on Facebook and I must admit I was kind of blown away.

When I woke up this morning, I had no idea “sand animation” existed. I hope this brightens up your day as it has mine.

I’ll try to write more later (I have to see 5 movies this week!).

If they had spelled Saget’s name right, it would have been perfect.

And put an ampersand between the Olsen twins’ names.

According to this morning’s phone call, Zipcar is taking the car I had reserved for tomorrow (weeks ago) off the street (details were guarded, but I think it failed a drug test).

The good news? Got upgraded to a Volvo 540 sedan fo’ free. The bad news? I can no longer walk to it. The good news? I have an incredible bike. And now that I got the upgrade, I can ride my bike to the garage (no street parking for “Sampang”!) and then fit my bike in the car and drive my bike back home.

I know I can do this because I wisely decided to travel down PPSW to Parkside and then travel down Parkside to Flatbush Avenue. As I exited my home, the B68 was comin’ at me, so I got on it and got off just after it passed Parkside.

There is no bus on Parkside.

I walked to Flatbush and then walked to the car’s garage. It wasn’t there, but the nice lady at Zipcar assured me it would be tomorrow morning.

Getting back home was a pain in the arse because the B41 to Grand Army Plaza left me at the mercy of the B69 (or, as I call it under my breath, Godot). But I learned a) that there’s a Wendy’s on the other side of Prospect Park; b) that there’s a comic book/video game store on Parkside that smells of peabo; c) riding my bike to the car will not only be relatively easy (the roads are either flat or downhill), but I have the option of cutting through Prospect Park (I’d still be riding in a curve along the park’s borders but there are less cars inside the park).

Or maybe I’ll steal a helicopter.

Good luck with your farewell show, Harvey. Sorry I’m missing it. And that you’re having a farewell tour. And that I have to wear big boy pants this weekend.

Kisses!

I have been counting the days until it hits stores, but NPR is streaming the whole thing for free here:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=111339268&sc=fb&cc=fp

NOW can he be famous, America? Jeez…