Is Monday morning’s popcorn whatever’s left over from the weekend? Mildly stale, oversalted… the perfect meal to eat while watching Michael Bay’s latest 2 1/2-hour toy commercial.

Coming attractions included G-Force (what a dream cast… except for Nic Cage), The Last Airbender (what a twist!) and G.I. Joe. I will have to see all of these, I just know it.

The CINEDIGM title card hurt my ears a lot. The DLP title card mildly blinded me.

With stale popcorn in my meaty fist and blood trickling out of all of my head’s orifices, I prepared for the worst.

But not enough. In honor of the disjointed, narratively retarded movie I’m reviewing, I won’t even try to weave these comments together. KA-BOOM!

I am now 100% officially an old man. I winced at the opening logos. THE OPENING LOGOS! So damn loud.

Megatron acts as the narrator (which I believe means that he can’t die in the movie, right?) and even his dulcet oil-lubed voice can’t make the plot comprehensible. There’s a shard that Shia LaBouef (French for “please pass the beef”) hasn’t noticed (it’s in the sweatshirt he’s been wearing for months) which attracts (?) space robots (?) who need it to be larger space robots (?). Also, some of the space robots are already here (they’re”the Fallen” and they want revenge).

I may be off on the plot a little, but that’s because I spent half of the movie in the fetal position on the soda-and-butter-stained floor.

Not sure why I wrote down “Baby bootie boy” or “That was a really creepy move just now.” It might have to do with the fact that Shia’s mother curses non-stop (I loves me some vulgarity but ’splain why it was even remotely necessary to have Mom scream, “You carry this shit!” and “And you can’t do shit about it!” and many other non-story-forwarding outbursts (especially since the movie is already WAY TOO LONG).

Also, kudos for the dogs having sex. Thumbs way up Michael Bay (no, there shouldn’t be a comma in that sentence).

Looking at Megan Fox is pornographic, but in a sad way.

Bumblebee (a giant space robot who speaks using radio clips that I guess he has stored in his space memory banks) cries and has space robot snot running out of his nose. WHERE CAN MAD MAGAZINE POSSIBLY TAKE THIS? IT’S ALREADY A PARODY OF ITSELF!

Aww… Megan and Shia can’t say “I love you” to each other! That’s adorable! For five whole minutes!

Is Frank Welker the voice of Soundwave? It’s a perfect match of Darkseid’s voice from Super Powers: Galactic Guardians!

It is Frank!

Boy, the government sure is stupid. They just fired the good robots for saving the world from the bad robots! Boooooo!

At one point, a human asks (about one of the giant space robots), “If God made us in his image… who made him?”

Answer: HASBRO.

Man, the POTUS is a stupid jerk! And his name is Obama! Wait a minute…

We return to Shia’s college (because this movie needs more navel-gazing). Mom eats a pot brownie and becomes retarded. There’s a terrible remix of “Burning Down the House” playing. Someone non-ironically proclaims “The internet is pure truth!”

Oh no! A hot chick wants to have sex on Shia! Oh no! Whew — the car shot space robot fluids all over them both! Yay! She huffed away covered in space robot car semens!

Either I’m having a heart attack and an acid flashback or this is a steaming pile of shit.

Megatron tells everyone that the space robots need Shia (but, you know, not specifics. Because why would Shia or anyone else — like, say, me in the audience — care about the deets?).

Poor Rainn Wilson.

Ha! A Bad Boys II poster hangs in Shia’s dorm room! LOL!!!!!!

Oh no! The hot chick is back for more sex! And it turns out… SHE’S A SPACE ROBOT!

Robots hate books! Optimus Prime dies! A robot calls Shia’s parents! Dad says “Canadian Moose Poop!” for some reason! Mom spits out escargot! THIS MOVIE IS 300 HOURS LONG! I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE DIRECTOR’S CUT!!!

Oh, look! Ghetto-bots! They talk like colored people! They have gold fronts on their teeth! THEY CAN’T READ!

Wait. Did Bumblebee just play part of a Martin Luther King speech?

I think I need to call a doctor.

No idea why someone said “You want those new teeth you saw in SkyMall?” but I’m sure it was even less funny in context.

Apparently John Turturro (poor John Turturro) works all day in a deli (he was fired after getting robo-peed on in the last movie) and also spends all day as a cyber-wizard with his own website. Sure, why not?

Oh, did I just see Mr. Turturro’s naked ass? Thanks again, Michael Bay!

Oh boy! They, like another recent sequel, are heading to the Smithsonian! LOL! And look! There’s a space robot with a thick Scottish accent! And now a tiny robot is humping Megan Fox’s leg! And you can totally tell which hand Shia crushed in his DUI during filming! And someone shouts, “you landed on my testicles!”

FINALLY someone explains (sort of) the plot and it has to do with The Matrix of Leadership. See, it’s this thing? But if you touch it, it’l disappear. Unless you’re worthy. But if you aren’t worthy, maybe later you’ll discover it’s within you? I think?

Deep Roy? Really? He and Ken Jeong are the new Ned Beatty and Charles Durning (what movies AREN’T they in?).

I’m glad this movie about space robots took the time to let the audience know that American soldiers are the true heroes. Not stupid-ass space robots. Also, Obama is a moron.

Did the Scottish space robot just say “I’m getting too old for this crap”? Again I ask, won’t someone think about Mad Magazine? How do you make fun of that?

Did Barton Fink just start screaming about an “enemy scrotum”?

Did Megan Fox telling Shia “I love you”  just bring him back to life?

Why does Michael Bay hate Egypt and me?

Why did Shia just wink at Optimus Prime (who, surprisingly, didn’t stay dead!)

Will I ever get tired of the credit “BASED ON ACTION FIGURES BY HASBRO”?

Did it really take 3 people to NOT write a decent script?

Will my ears ever stop ringing?

And, of course, when does Transformers 3: Nuttin’ But ‘Splosions open?

D-