We were going to go out for dinner tonight… then came the biggest rainstorm I’ve ever seen. So, as thunder (that lasts for up to 30 seconds) booms outside and my beautiful wife finishes packing our new collection of coral/shells, I’ll speed through the newspapers that don’t really fit in my carry-on anymore (maybe I’ll discuss our trip during the flight home… the flight here was spend trying to look away from My Life In Ruins and failing miserably [just like My Life In Ruins!])

TUESDAY

Wait a minute… LaToya Jackson was RIGHT?!?! MJ was murdered by shitty doctors? Huh. Apparently, MJ referred to Propofol as “his milk” because a) it has a milky appearance; b) he used it to go to sleep every night; c) HE WAS OUT OF HIS FUCKING MIND. But let’s hope that all of his enablers get what they deserve.

The founder of the Kaplan test-preparation company, Stanley H. Kaplan has died (or perhaps he would prefer the term “passed”?).

A woman removed her dead husband from his final resting place in order to sell his crypt to the highest bidder. He used to be in the crypt above Marilyn Monroe. It was supposed to be where Joe DiMaggio would be buried, but then he and Monroe got divorced so he sold it to Richard Poncher in 1954. His widow evicted him and sold his now-penultimate resting place for $4,602,100. God bless eBay (and heartless widows).

Rich Lowry defends Leon Panetta (and the atrocities committed in our names) by stating: “Proving torture in a court of law is much harder than braying about it ion op-ed pages.” Good point, Dick. And writing a column full of disingenuous bullshit is easier than not being an asshole.

Why We Don’t Use Our Television Anymore Volume 275 Part 672: Look for a new reality show called Adopted which will follow Pauly Shore’s attempt to adopt an African child. I am not kidding.

Yesterday there was a fashion spread of a woman in various tennis outfits. This prompted someone to write into the NYP and say, “It’s as if she exudes every element of desirability.” If only this man had access to actual pornography, maybe he wouldn’t seem so creepy.

The Idea Factory had an idea (!) for a reality show wherein Jean-Claude Van Damme, Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal lived in a house together (no title was given, but Remember When I…?, Whatever Happened To Us?, Punchy Drunks and Dad? Who Are These People On My TV? all seem like strong contenders [unlike the three "stars"]). A&E are going forward (or is it backwards?) with Steven Seagal: Lawman. So The Idea Factory sued A&E. Who is suing them back. Which means that more people will be discussing this show in court than will ever watch it on TV.

Teresa? Cross Marion, Alabama off the list (if you haven’t already). A 2- or 3-year-old feud (no one in Alabama can count that high, I guess) was the cause of a fight at a high school last Sunday. It began when someone shot out someone’s window. This scuffle turned into (and I’m not making this up) “a full-scale riot.” Up to 150 people (in a town of 3,300) were “hurling tire irons” and “throwing jack irons” and “throwing tire irons” and “anything else they could get their hands on” (what about tire irons?). Some people showed up with “baseball bats and brooms.” Eight people were arrested and “at least four were hurt” (that’s some shitty rioting, folks).

Did you know that when Michael Jackson wanted to star in the movie Wolfed (no, it didn’t ever get made) as a werewolf/cobbler (and that’s partly why it never got made), he was tutored in acting several times a week by… Marlon Brando?!? Yikes.

The incredibly despicable Scottish Justice Secretary (Kenny MacAskill) who released Baset al-Megrahi from his LIFE SENTENCE (does that have a different meaning in Scottish?) is shocked and awed by the warm welcome he received from his fellow Libyans. And I’m shocked that no one has blown up Kenny’s house yet.

Boy… people sure do like fucking and masturbating in the windows of The Standard. Too bad that isn’t illegal… wait a minute.

A 7-year-old Chinese girl who was adopted by a couple on the Upper East Side was swept out to sea and drowned in Maine. Wouldn’t it have been easier to just let the Chinese government do that 7 years ago?

Barry Eisenberg of Plainview wrote in to complain about what’s being done in Times Square: “Mayor Bloomberg wants to turn this city into some European burg that caters to bikers, walkers and just plain jerks.” Why does Barry Eisenberg hate bikers and walkers? Because he’s a plain jerk (from Plainview!).

Poor Ken Basin. He won $500,000 on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? (who never got back to me… jerks). Then he guessed on the next question and walked away with $25,000. But don’t cry too hard. He’s a 24-year-old lawyer who looks like Ari Voukydis and I had a child.

WEDNESDAY

Chris Brown was sentenced to “six months of hard labor” and five years of avoiding all contact with Rihanna. Why do I think his “hard labor” will be verrrrrrrrrrry different from any other convict’s hard labor?

Whew! State education officials will no longer be attempting to force yogis to get certified before they train new yogis. [insert Boo-Boo joke here]

Sheryl Weinstein says Bernie Madoff has a tiny penis. Now you don’t have to buy her book.

Dick Cheney (America’s shittiest shitbird) is back in the news (why can’t he just fuck off and die?). This time, he’s criticizing the investigation into the TOTALLY ILLEGAL AND REPREHENSIBLE THINGS HE DID IN OUR NAMES. Earlier this year, he asked for confidential CIA documents to be released. They were. But these other ones? He ’s demanding that they not be released. WHY DOES THIS LYING ASSHOLE GET TO DECIDE WHAT BECOMES PUBLIC? HE ISN’T THE PRESIDENT ANYMORE!* Fuck you, Dick. For reals.

*see what I did there?

Charlie Rangel is a lying sack of turds. He makes me very angry.

Boston College and the University of Wisconsin were among the schools that objected to Anheuser-Busch’s decision to dress cans of their undrinkable swill in various school colors. The promotion will be dropped “in communities where schools have complained it promotes underage drinking.” But not in the other communities? Great job, A-B!

Ruth Zafrin is suing her daughter-in-law (half-Black, half-Swedish Sunda Croonquist) for making fun of Ruth in her stand-up act. Some examples: “I walk in, I say, ‘Thank you for having me here, Ruthie.’ She says, ‘The pleasure’s all mine, have a seat.’ Then, in a loud aside, ‘Harriet, put my pocketbook away.’” and “[Ruth said, ]‘Oh my God, Neil, look at her; she’s got light eyes and light hair; what kind of Black person is she?’” Whatever happens in court, Sunda is a horrible stand-up comic.

Why I Hate The MTA Reason #128,904,744: Chris Schoenfeld created an iPhone application that tells you the schedules of Metro-North and LIRR trains. The MTA claimed that the schedules were their intellectual property. They demanded $5,000 and 10% of his sales (as part of a licensing agreement). Yesterday they changed it to $700 and a disclaimer that it’s Chris’ fault if the schedules in the app are incorrect.  Had they stuck to their guns, they might have helped close their bullshit deficit.

City Comptroller Bill Thompson is a tax delinquent. Just like Rangel. What the fuck. Where are all the non-douchey politicians?

Tourists are reporting that, while walking through the new High Line Park, they’ve seen “men masturbating, professional porn films being shot, and couples engaging in sex in full view of parkgoers below” in the windows of The Standard. A front-desk staffer assured guests not to worry about the tourists complaining and taking pictures of them. “It would be illegal for anyone to take your picture through the window,” she assured guests. I’m a theater major and even I know she’s wrong (on a number of levels).

Ali Lohan is finishing her second album. She had a first album?

Sean Stewart, son of Rod, has relapsed. He stopped drinking at some point?

According to Page Six (today on page 16), Chris Brown “will now be on probation for five years and doing community service work for six” but I have a feeling the word “months” was mistakenly left off the end of the sentence.

Christopher Plummer on his upcoming movie 9 (not to be confused with the upcoming movie Nine): “This is really dark. Children shouldn’t see it.” Someone’s PR guy just dropped a client….

Richard Branson wants to buy El Al? Mazel tov!

Teresa? Cross Denver off the list. Folks there are getting signatures for a new “personhood amendment” that will give embryos the same legal status as people. I’m assuming they mean people who aren’t gay.

Michelle Malkin’s crooked eyes helped her put together a column wherein she rips into ACLU Executive Director Anthony Romero for blowing the cover of CIA agents. Did I miss her column where she did the same to the folks that did that to Valerie Plame?

Dick Morris (shudder) and Eileen McGann (who may or may not have been peeing in his mouth as they co-wrote today’s column) claim that Joe Lieberman’s criticism of Obama’s health-care initiative “may prove to be a pivotal turning point.” And Dick may stop hiring prostitutes to pee in his mouth (if Eileen is any good at it).

Sony may put the Kindle out of business. Won’t someone think of the libraries?

YouTube says they’ll start paying folks who have “viral clips” on their site. How long before a company emerges that guarantees they can get 100,000 to watch a clip on YouTube in a day?

Paula Abdul will host VH1 Divas on September 17th. The last “episode” was in April 2004. “We put the show to rest because we felt we’d exhausted the talent at the time,” explains executive producer Lee Rolontz who may or may not be kidding (I think he isn’t, though, which is kind of sad).

THURSDAY

Rest in peace, Ted Kennedy. You were a man who made a great many reprehensible mistakes, but then spent the rest of your life making up for it. And all the folks insisting you weren’t a noble human being can fuck right off.

A recent sweep found that 2,400 taxi drivers have enough points on their licenses to have them revoked. Great job, TLC!

John Liu is running for City Comptroller. His campaign is putting his posters on utility poles. Which is illegal. His campaign has received 587 summons for doing so. At $45 a pop, that’s $44,025. That’s out of comptroll.

More reasons to hate Rangel, the raspy-voiced liar. How does he still have a job?

Is there a new planet in our solar system? Is it named Wasp-18b? Can’t we just bring Pluto back?

In today’s Ted Kennedy Memorial Edition of New York’s worst newspaper, they offer 10 things “you didn’t know about Ted Kennedy” including the fact that he was cautioned by his father “to be careful in life because he was the type who always got caught.” Source, please? They also claim that Barney Frank ma take over his Senate seat. Source, please?

Nancy Reagan said, “In recent years, Ted and I found our common ground in stem-cell research, and I considered him an ally and a dear friend.” That must make some conservative heads explode. I mean, she was Jesus II’s wife!

And George W. Bush managed to insult Ted with, “In a life filled with trials, Ted Kennedy never gave in to self-pity or despair.” I truly hope your life is filled with trials soon. And that you are convicted on all counts.

Something about the Kennedys that I actually didn’t know: Ted’s sister Rosemary was mentally retarded and papa Joe had her lobotomized and institutionalized. No wonder Eunice started the Special Olympics.

And in a super-classy move, Charles Hurt’s column is titled “Kennedy clan down to its dregs”. Fuck you, Chuck.

US Airways is increasing their fees for ALL checked bags. Good luck with that, jerks.

Dominick Dunne also passed away recently. Great writer. Rest in peace, Double-D.

Is Derek Jeter engaged to Minka Kelly? So… I don’t have a shot anymore? Sigh.

A manager at one of my uncle’s hair salons (Dramatics) and some of her fellow concert-goers were escorted from their seats during Britney Spears’ MSG show on Tuesday for dancing “too provocatively.” This happened while Britney was on stage singing (?) “Get Naked”. Great job, MSG!

Ryan Adams has a new video game column on the new website, The Awl. His first column will discuss Gorf. What a great idea! That Wil Wheaton had many years ago!

Mark Sanford continues to refuse to step down. “I’m not going to be railroaded out of office by political opponents.” How about your own actions? I mean, it’s like his job is his soulmate!

A student at the University of Buffalo built an 8′ x 10′ cabin near the northern edge of their campus. He claimed that he couldn’t afford housing and tuition. But he has since changed his mind. Maybe it’s the fact that Buffalo is FREEZING for many months of the school year?

Sheryl Weinstein, that creepy lady who wrote the book about her affair with Bernie Madoff, and fellow creepy lady Cindy Adams sat down to chat. She explained that Bernie’s penis “was narrow. Tiny in terms of girth, not length.” She went on the say that Bernie “didn’t find his wife sexual. Ruth’s actually quite mannish.” Now you REALLY don’t need to buy the book.

Obama’s Cash for Clunkers program helped sell 700,000 cars. And most of them weren’t American.

Reuters recently reported that someone stole the penis off of a life-sized Lego giraffe. They later printed a retraction once someone pointed out that it was the tail that was stolen. Great job, Reuters!

Did you know that CUNY turned away 575 qualified applicants from their nursing program because they didn’t have enough instructors to teach them? What nursing crisis?

And Howie Carr also decided to shit on Ted Kennedy by reminding us that “his life was not as simple or heroic as is now being portrayed.” By now, I assume he means ON THE DAY HE’S BEING MOURNED. And Howie? He did more for this country than your entire family ever did or ever will do. Eat a dick, Howie.

Bob Dylan is releasing a Christmas album. He is also going to lend his voice to a GPS unit. I think he is suffering from dementia. Or, as he calls it, “huh-meh-hih.”

Kate Gosselin, who should be in prison, will instead guest-host The View for two days next month. So will LaToya Jackson. I think The View is suffering from dementia.

Is Paula Abdul in talks to star in a revue-style stage show in Las Vegas? Really? I think Las Vegas is suffering from dementia.

Is Don Imus getting a TV show on the Fox Business Network? I think Imus and Fox are both the scum of the earth.

FRIDAY

What happened to Jaycee Lee Dugard (and her stepfather) is disgusting. I hope Phillip Garrido and his cunt wife both get raped to death in prison. A lot.

Pedro Espada’s health-care network in the Bronx owes more than $1,000,000 in taxes. HOW. DOES THIS PIECE OF SHIT. NOT ONLY HAVE A JOB. BUT ALSO REMAIN A FREE MAN.

The guy who chatted about cooking a cat while a helicopter and plane were about to collide has been suspended. His supervisor, who should have been there to tell him to get the fuck off the phone but was “out running errands” has also been suspended. The supervisor’s name? Dennis Moore. The errands? My guess is he was stealing lupins.

Jeremy Piven has been exonerated of all charges against him in his fight against the producers of Speed-the-Plow. Disgusting.

Joseph Ballance is terrific. He approached two women in traditional Islamic robes at a Hess station in Smithtown. “This isn’t Halloween! Get into my car so I can fuck the shit out of you, chop you into little pieces and kill you,” he screamed (seemingly out of order). When police arrived he justified his actions by saying, “They don’t belong here! They shouldn’t be walking around like that!” While I agree that no one belongs in Suffolk County, people like Mr. (un)Ballance(d) remind me why freedom is a sticky wicket.

Holy shit, are you kidding me? MORE unpaid taxes for Rangel? He’s the gift that keeps on being a bastard!

Did Hilary Duff hold up filming of Gossip Girl because she was throwing a temper tantrum and refusing to leave her trailer? If so, that’s the first thing she’s done that I like!

Michael Lohan had a great idea for a new reality show (simmer down, Chin). He, Jon Gosselin and Kevin Federline would star in The Divorced Dads’ Club. But Jon said no and K-Fed is getting his own reality show (shudder), so now Mikey is trying to land (are you sitting down?) Mark Gastineau and Jose Canseco. The mouth-breather who is helping to “develop” this “show” explains the “logic” behind it: “The idea would be to tell the man’s side of the divorce, and the mistakes they’ve made, such as — I never should have brought that girl home.” I can’t wait to not watch this.

The Dutch national museum in Amsterdam just found out that the moon rock they’ve had on display is actually just a piece of petrified wood. [insert "what are they smoking" joke here]

The Federal Trade Commission is now banning “robocalls” to consumers, “unless the telemarketer has written permission from a customer that he or she wants to receive the calls.” I would absolutely love to meet all of the people who take the time to give written permission to receive robocalls. Seriously. I could scare them senseless with my “I have your nose” trick.

Six and a half pounds of weed (plus “other drugs” were found in rapper Jadakiss’ home in Yonkers. He claims he has no knowledge of how it got there. That must be some really good weed!

Did you know that Jim Norton was being sued for making fun of a guy on the “Opie and Anthony Show”? Well t he case was settled (as was Jim’s countersuit). Congrats, Jim!

Kathleen Neill of Arizona, 26, disrobed entirely in the Hall of Arms and Armor at the Met on Wednesday and lay down on the floor so that a photographer could take pictures. She was arrested for public lewdness. There were children present. “I want people to have the freedom to express themselves. I want the city of New York to drop the charges,” said the naked moron. What is in Arizona’s water (besides John McCain’s dignity)?

Currently in theaters: X-Men: Origins: George Hamilton (though I think it’s also playing as My One and Only). Don’t see it.

Yet still another reason to despise Fox: Heathers the TV series. Looks like it’ll happen, folks.

Hey, Michael Starr (of The Starr Report)? Why is Mad Men “absurdly overhyped”? Are you jealous? In addition to being a terrible writer who does nothing more than regurgitate press releases?

SATURDAY

Yet more lies from Rangel and his tax cheatin’. Seriously, how is he still employed?

Bizarro so happy! DJ AM dead! Me never stop laughing! His family happy, too! Hello!

Spike Lee threw a birthday party for Michael Jackson in Prospect Park today. SO glad I’m in a torrential downpour in Florida.

Recent photos of that girl who was kidnapped and repeatedly raped for 18 years are all blurred out to protect her privacy (though, sadly, her name is public knowledge). Luckily, the New York Post has blessed us with a photo that they digitally aged, showing us how “she might look like today.” Great job, NYP!

Oh, and the cops who were called to Phillip Garrido’s house YEARS ago and didn’t look in the backyard? They should join the Garridos in prison. And then Hell.

What do the cows know? In the Swiss village of Lauterbrunnen, dozens of cows are jumping into a deep crevasse and killing themselves. 28 have done so in just three days this week. I ask again, WHAT DO THEY KNOW???

Joe Francis and Brody Jenner got into a fistfight! Sadly, no one died. Jenner claims Francis punched his girlfriend in the face and he defended her. Francis has a different take: “I went into a submissive ball. I covered my face and let the whole thing subside.” My (lecherous, cowardly) hero!

Obesity shrinks the brains of elderly folks, making them more susceptible to Alzheimer’s and dementia. My golden years are going to be verrrrrry interesting…

Is Lindsay Lohan lying about a recent burglary at her home? Is she claiming that $2,000,000 in borrowed jewels were stolen when they weren’t there in the first place? OMG! LOL! RAOTFSRIMA!

A woman in Joliet, Illinois wanted to check how much gas she had poured in her gas can. So she lit her cigarette lighter and looked. She got many severe burns. Great job, dummy!

Jonah Goldberg (whose byline photo, like fellow scumbag Maggie Gallagher’s is about 10 years and 100 pounds lighter) has a nice little column about the not-yet-cold Ted Kennedy titled “Why He’d Want His Death Exploited”. It concludes with “I suspect that they’ll be disappointed to discover that the currency of the Kennedy name purchases far less than it once did — thanks in large part to what Ted Kennedy did with it.” Hey, Jonah? Ted Kennedy did more for America than you ever could. Fuck you.

Hey! The Yanks beat the White Sox today! 10-0! When do we clinch? And when does Boston unclench?

And that’ll do it. Have a lovely evening, kids. And pray that our plane ain’t delayed or blowed up!