Archive for September, 2009
(if you don’t care about comic books/cartoons, move along — nothing to see here)
(also, I apologize for the MTV promo that precedes the actual thing I intended to post)
Daddy. Like.
First, here are a few things from yesterday that I felt deserved your attention.
* I loved the story of the Morrisville State College field hockey team’s drive down the Thruway. One of the team members thought it would be funny to put duct tape over her mouth and show passing motorists a sign that read “Help I’ve been kidnapped” — state troopers pulled the van over and charged the 23-year-old with disorderly conduct (and being in college at 23).
* OK! Magazine and E! paid ungodly sums of money for Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom’s recent wedding. It was a rushed affair because E! wanted to include the footage in (at least) one of the (horrible) shows that feature the (horrible) Kardashian family. Except the bride and groom didn’t have time to hammer out a pre-nup (Lamar insisted), so the wedding that took place was merely for show. They aren’t married yet. But if you want to buy photos of their not-a-wedding, pick up OK! OK? OK!
* Cindy Adams stole my bit about all first ladies being named Michelle, but balked at the “Black” qualifier. She also refers to “last week’s exclusives” about “the White House looking to muscle [David Paterson] out of the State House” but not the non-exclusives of Paterson denying that.
* Sarah Palin finished “writing” her “book” titled Going Rogue: An American Life. I was hoping she’d call it (The) You Betcha Life. It’ll be available on November 17th wherever ghostwritten whitewash is sold.
* Lucy Vodden (the inspiration for The Beatles’ Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds) passed away at the age of 46. In a hospital. With her husband. Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….
* Al Qaeda’s deputy leader called Obama a fraud. Which means that if you’re against Obama, you’re with the terrorists. Wrap your head around that one, truckers.
* Victoria Gotti manages to make a story about her husband driving his car into the front of a restaurant (she was there with friends) boring.
* 90% of Australia’s koala bears have chlamydia. Paul Hogan has no comment.
* This was my favorite — Hurl John Thomases (sorry, Ralph Peters) truly outdid himself while discussing the recent German elections (“Germany Takes a Right Turn”): “This election extends the Euro-trend toward common-sense conservatism that began with the election of President Nicolas Sarkozy, France’s most pro-American president ever. If the trend continues, we may even get a pro-American president in Washington.” So, we should be more like Europe (especially France!) and Obama hates America. Ralph Peters is a phenomenal douchebag.
There was more, but enough of the past. Prepare yourselves for… the present!
Uh-oh. According to the EXCLUSIVE front page story “COP ‘DWI PLOT’” police are now investigating whether or not the cop that drove drunk and killed an innocent woman was given gum and water by the first cops on the scene.
What I find more despicable, though, is that he refused a Breathalyzer test, so the cops had to get a court order and draw blood — over seven hours after the incident. Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said that waiting over seven hours is “not that unusual” because of the slow and arduous process of obtaining a court order. Which that cop was banking on.
Hopefully, many scumbags will lose their jobs over this incident (if not their freedom).
The Gotti Exclusive (last one! we did it!) is “The night the mob made my little brother” which makes me laugh (because I am a child and when children say “make” it means something completely different).
And the last piece on the front page is “Free Roman! H’wood stars (including Woody!) rip bust as perversion of justice” (“Hello, Woody? It’s Roman. Listen… could you please not speak out on my behalf? I know you mean well, but, well, you kind of skeeve me out.”).
I was going to explain why this is ridiculous, but Kate Harding does a better job of it on salon.com (click here).
The cops and the construction workers are still bickering at Ground Zero, but the cement truck drivers have figured out a way to avoid the cops: They pour the cement at night (while the cops are out drinking)!
“But you cannot see as well without natural light. When you pour in the evening, the work isn’t as good,” says an engineer at the site.
Outstanding! You hear that, families of the victims of 9/11? Since the cops and the hardhats can’t get past their petty grievances, the new WTC will be shoddily constructed! Yay!
(waves miniature American flag)
The Working Families Party is the new ACORN.
I know little to nothing about them (except that one of the internet’s biggest assholes repeatedly insisted that people should support them), but after years of watching this paper consistently insult things I do believe in, I’m inclined to disagree with the Post on principle.
And as for voting… the polling site at 111 Centre Street had one person come in to vote. Just the one.
(waves miniature American flag)
This breaks my heart.
Chuck Knoblauch, who played second base for the Yankees from 1998-2001, has been charged with assaulting his common-law wife. Police say he was drunk and popping Xanax the night it happened. His common-law wife claims he punched her in the face and choked her. They have a 5-year-old son.
He’s also one of the players implicated in the Mitchell Report — he’s even acknowledged that he used performance enhancers during his 11-year career.
Why can’t everybody be like Derek Jeter?
No — why can’t everybody be Derek Jeter?
Qaeda ‘ass’assin
‘Butt bomb’ tactic spooks anal-ysts
This is the story of Abdullah Asieri, who shoved a pound of explosives and a detonator up his ass and tried to kill a member of the Saudi royal family. He wound up blowing himself up and slightly wounding his target.
Which makes me wonder why this tactic “spooks” anyone. In fact, if I were the U.S. government, I’d encourage every al Qaeda operative to do this.
Oh, I see. It’s because the guy made it through multiple searches and metal detectors without anyone finding his explosive butt plug.
Well, I still think it’s a funny story. Partially because the terrorist put a bomb up his ass, partially because he ultimately killed only himself and partially because I don’t care about the Saudi royal family.
Michael Goodwin’s back!
He criticizes Obama for not helping Bill Thompson more with his mayoral campaign (while simultaneously admonishing him for doing too much in Paterson’s gubernatorial campaign!), makes fun of the Mets, skewers Democrat Adolphus Towns (I actually agree with him on that one[!]), and declares “Obama enabling a nuclear Iran.“
You’ve still got it, Mike!
And by “it” I mean “no solutions, just fearmongering criticisms.”
Dan Rather’s $70,000,000 lawsuit against CBS has been dismissed by a state appeals court.
He plans on asking the New York Court of Appeals to review the decision.
But it looks like it’s all over. Sorry, Dan.
Full page ad for H & M.
A model (posing in fancy clothes while staring vapidly at the reader) is partially covered by a large banner reading “SALE FROM $5.00!*”
The very small fine print at the bottom of the page reads “*Items shown not included in offer.”
Well played, H and also M.
Sarah Palin got a $7,000,000 advance to “write” a 400-page “book” that will most assuredly become late 2009 and early 2010’s #1 gag gift. She also signed with the Washington Speakers Bureau (they schedule speaking gigs for everyone from George W. Bush [ha!] to David Blaine [huh?]). The WSB is asking $100,000 for every “speech” Palin delivers, but an “industry expert” says they aren’t getting any takers. “The big lecture buyers in the US are paralyzed with fear about booking her, basically because they think she is a blithering idiot. Palin is so uninteresting to so many groups — unless they are interested in moose hunting. What does she have to say? She can’t even describes what she reads.”
You. Betcha.
Page Six (today on page 14) reports that Tori Spelling was rushed to the hospital (twice in two days!) with “severe abdominal pain.”
Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.
Vincent Pizzonia, 17, was building a pipe bomb when it blew up and severely injured his hand. He insists that he was going to detonate it in his back yard, but police found numerous photos of the Columbine High School massacre on his bedroom walls.
Next time, shove it up your ass, Vinnie!
Fun facts gleaned from Victoria Gotti’s (LAST!) book excerpt: John Gotti once hung out with Marlon Brando! John Gotti was friends with Leona Helmsley! John Gotti hated Frank Sinatra and never went to a single music concert (he called them “too loud” and “breeding grounds for trouble”)! John Gotti had a low opinion of professional baseball players! Victoria Gotti is a terrible writer (and human being)!
The toxicology reports are back in the death of DJ AM. Are you sitting down?
Cocaine? Check.
OxyContin? Check.
Hydrocodone? Check.
Xanax? Check.
Ativan? Check.
Klonopin? Check.
Benadryl? Check.
Levamisole? Check.
Why Benadryl is on the list, I can’t say. But I can say that MTV’s assertion that it “still hasn’t made a final decision” about airing his reality show Gone Too Far (which is geared towards helping addicts kick their habits) is a lie. They’ll come up with a press release explaining that his death proves just how important this show is to people like him blah blah blah.
Beats playing music videos, I guess.
And here’s the article on Polanski’s famous defenders. Get ready to be depressed. Ready?
Martin Scorsese, Jonathan Demme, Salman Rushdie, David Lynch, Michael Mann, Woody Allen, Darren Aronofsky, Terry Gilliam, Monica Bellucci, Harvey Weinstein, Mike Nichols, Tilda Swinton, and Diane von Furstenberg.
One could argue that maybe these people don’t know all the facts in the case, which is why they’re defending a guy who sodomized a 13-year-old as she begged him to stop. But Whoopi Goldberg’s shameful performance on yesterday’s episode of The View is magical, if only because I found myself taking sides WITH Sherri. You can watch it (and some pretty great Polanski myth debunking) here.
Samoa and American Samoa were hit pretty hard by an earthquake in the Pacific Ocean, which created gigantic tsunami waves. The waves flooded (and in some cases, flattened) villages and are responsible for (at least) dozens of casualties.
Thankfully, no other Girl Scout cookies were harmed.
The health care “debate” in this country is infuriating and, in far too many cases, intentionally confusing.
I can’t put into words how disappointed I am in not just many elected officials, but in some of their constituents.
I hate what my country has become.
Civil War 2: Watering the Tree of Liberty now has a street date of July 2010.
Michelle Malkin has the audacity to write a column on how Obama stumping for the Olympics to come to Chicago in 2016 is “political payback” and the worst kind of cronyism.
I can’t seem to find her scathing jeremiads against the cronyism of the Bush White House, but that’s probably because they don’t exist.
Must be a slow news week, huh, you facially-disfigured harpy.
Starbucks, you so crazy.
They’re releasing a new instant coffee to the marketplace called Via.
It prices out to about $1.00 per cup.
Now, you won’t have to leave your house to be wildly overcharged for mediocre coffee!
Own Starbucks stock? Sell it. Now.
Boston has lost their last 5 games, but Texas has lost their last 3. So the Red Sox didn’t make the playoffs — Texas just out-shittied them.
The Yanks won again last night, bringing their record to 102-56. That’s .646 (both L.A. teams are tied for second with .592).
Save some for the playoffs, boys!
Linda Stasi gives Kelsey Grammer’s new sitcom Hank “Absolutely No Stars.” She also calls Community a “Miss” along with The Jay Leno Show. But she loves Patricia Heaton’s new sitcom, The Middle. I love Neil Flynn, but I despise Heaton (somewhat as a performer, but entirely as a human being). I find it funny that she neglects to mention that Chris Kattan isn’t mentioned anywhere in her review (she may have forgotten who he is, along with the rest of America).
Heather Mills will appear on Britain’s Dancing on Ice, which is funny because she only has one leg.
Jim Caviezel and Ian McKellen star in AMC’s remake of The Prisoner.
What a horrible idea!
TLC has fired Jon Gosselin from Jon & Kate Plus 8. The show will be called Kate Plus 8 starting November 2nd.
He’ll still appear on the show “on a less regular basis” (he’s still under contract with TLC), but the network has plans to create a new show for Kate once this awful show is taken behind the shed and shot (metaphorically speaking).
Don’t look at me — I’ve never watched any of these “look at all the things that came out of my vagina!” shows.
Lamar Odom insists that his wedding to Khloe Kardashian was “real.”
Well, as real as a wedding can be after just six weeks of dating.
I say they get divorced by May 2010 and E! winds up in court because they forced the marriage to happen before Odom got his pre-nup together.
Prove me wrong, big dumb guy and skanky dimwit. Prove me wrong.
And that’s that. See you tomorrow.
I just spent two and a half hours writing and it all got lost because I forgot to check my internet connection.
I don’t have it in me to even try to re-write it.
I hate my dermatologist and the Post.
Try and have a good day on my behalf.
A tiny sidebar about the Yankees clinching the AL East is nestled cozily next to a legitimate (and therefore much bigger) news story (“‘DWI’ COP HORROR”) with both overshadowed by today’s “GOTTI BOOK EXCLUSIVE” which will cover “Don’s anguish at son’s traffic death — and the driver who ‘vanished.’”
I can’t wait.
Page 2 is a perfect example of just how awful this newspaper is.
For many many days, the Post has been citing “sources” and relating how Obama is telling Paterson not to run for re-election. I kept asking, “is this still hearsay or do we have official confirmation from the White House?” Unfortunately, I write this alone so no one answered me. Today, I got my answer.
Two-thirds of the page is devoted to Fredric U. Dicker’s EXCLUSIVE (“‘Dead meat’ Dave will quit early: Dem“), in which the author continues to share inside info from “one of the state’s most prominent Democrats.” It’s like reading Page Six (today on page 12) when they ask “which famous actor is having marriage problems because his leading lady found him with child pornography?” and everyone tries to figure out who it could be! That’s what good journalism does, people!
Anyway, Mr. Prominent Democrat (“who has frequent contact with the governor”) expects Lt. Gov. Richard Ravitch will succeed Paterson (“perhaps as soon as early spring”) when he leaves his post “for a higher-paying job with a brighter future” (“said the Democrat, who has ties to the White House”).
Dicker goes on to say, “Things look so grim for Paterson that high-level Democrats were using such words as ‘finished,’ ‘dead meat,’ and ‘not among the political living’ to describe the governor by week’s end. Some close to Paterson insisted the governor was ‘in denial,’ to use the words of one, and his bizarre claim yesterday on Meet the Press that the president hadn’t told him to get out appeared to bear that out.”
So, Paterson is in denial because he said that Obama hadn’t told him not to run again, which contradicts the last week of “exclusives” citing “prominent Democrats” (Al Sharpton is a Democrat and very prominent — was it him?). But in order to fully appreciate how ludicrous this is, you’ll have to crane your neck downward for the companion article, “Gov: It’s up to voters, not O.”
“A beleaguered Gov. Paterson defied President Obama on national TV yesterday, insisting that New Yorkers ‘are the ones who should choose their governor. I’m blind, but I’m not oblivious. I realize that there are people that don’t want me to run, but I have never gotten an explicit indication authorized from the White House that I shouldn’t run.’”
Look at the headline again. Now re-read the quotes.
“‘Let’s be very clear about what has happened. The president’s team and others speaking on their behalf said to you, you should not run?’ [David] Gregory asked. ‘I can’t say that, David,’ Paterson responded.”
So, Paterson defied Obama by saying that Obama never told him not to run.
I have to keep telling myself I buy the Post for the SuDoku.
Another EXCLUSIVE!
Lt. Jemal Doute was the head of the NYPD Internal Affairs Bureau’s Vehicle Placard Unit. His job is to decide which officers were eligible for the parking placards that allow you to park wherever you please. Bloomberg ordered a huge reduction in the number of placards (from 150,000 to 50,000), and Doute only issued 43,000 since May 2008, which made lots of fellow cops mad.
Turns out his girlfriend had a placard in her car.
Guess who’s not in charge of the NYPD IAB’s VPU anymore.
(memo to self: pitch Law & Order: VPU to NBC)
Simon Cowell is getting over $100,000,000 to bring his British show X Factor to the U.S.
X Factor is a show that’s like American Idol except… um… yeah, it’s American Idol.
Cowell won’t be a judge on the new show (what do you expect — they’re only paying him $100,000,000!), but Paula Abdul might!
I wonder what they’ll offer her salary-wise…
(hint: it will be less than they offered her to come back to AI)
William Safire has died.
I’m sure he and Irving Kristol will have a lot to talk about.
(see what I did there?)
And here’s the cover story (the non-Gotti, non-Yankees one). “BOOZY COP IN KILLER SMASH” tells the story of Officer Andrew Kelly, 30, who was profoundly drunk when he plowed his Jeep into a woman in Brooklyn. The woman was laying on the ground, dying, when Kelly’s car’s passengers (including fellow off-duty officer Michael Downs and “at least two others connected in some way to the NYPD”) fled the scene.
Kelly, to his drunken credit, stayed to help the victim. But he refused to take a Breathalyzer test (so the cops got a warrant and drew his blood). Kelly is charged with DWI and vehicular manslaughter. He is also suspended without pay.
Kelly’s attorney admits that there was alcohol in the car but “it may not have belonged to the defendant.” And, despite the prosecutor’s assertion that “the sergeant on the scene described [Kelly] as having red, watery, [sic] eyes, slurred speech and the smell of alcohol on his breath,” Kelly’s attorney countered that Kelly’s blood-test results weren’t entered into evidence “because they would be favorable to him.”
Oh, and that bad weather conditions might be the real culprit.
Officer Downs (whose slogan on Facebook is “DRINK UP LIFE IS TOO SHORT!!!” and who cites as his favorite music “any music that makes me drink. Lol.”) claims he didn’t flee, rather he was told to go to his precinct by “an investigator at the scene.”
Downs is also suspended. Hopefully they will both spend the rest of their lives in a cement box, being traded for cigarettes. Lol.
Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi took time out from having sex with teenagers to make a joke about how the Obamas are “tan.”
“You won’t believe it but two of them went to the beach because the wife is also tanned.”
Get it?
Me neither.
If the girl that Roman Polanski raped doesn’t want him to go to jail, then why did the L.A. DA go through all of this trouble to bring him back to the states? Apparently this was their seventh attempt over the years to arrest him at a foreign film festival.
What’s the statute of limitations on this? Anyone?
French Culture Minister Frederic Mitterrand declared, “I think this is awful and totally unjust. Just as there is an America which is generous and which we like, so there is an America which is frightening, and that is the America which has just revealed its face.”
But I think he might have been confusing us with South America.
Andrea Peyser’s “Mackenzie plays Papa incest for a payday” is a good indicator of how detestable this woman is (Andrea, not Mackenzie).
“When it comes to confessional literature, incest is the new black. I suppose cannibalism is next. Scratch that. It’s been done.”
Andrea goes on to point out that John Phillips is “conveniently dead” and laments that “Like Mackenzie, Kathryn [Harrison, author of The Kiss -- which detailed her affair with her father] was herself a mother as she pulled this sordid story from the crypt, sentencing the kid to decades of therapy. How I wish these dames would find day jobs.”
No mention of the folks that corroborate Mackenzie’s story. Just accusations of daring to write personal things for profit. From the shrill, ugly Post columnist who filters everything she writes through the prism of her (shrill, ugly) personal opinions. Who remains inconveniently alive.
Iran claims it successfully test-fired two missiles yesterday.
Defense Secretary Robert Gates says that economic and diplomatic sanctions have a better chance of working against Iran than military strikes.
What a fag!
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs remained #1, so the #2 movie (The Surrogates) will be next.
Thank God Fame came in third.
(shudder)
Larry King’s contract with CNN is up in 18 months (though his contract with Earth expired 12 years ago). Ryan Seacrest is CNN’s #1 choice to replace him.
I have a great idea! Give the gig to Cindy Adams! She can do that every day instead of wordfarting all over my paper!
Elvis Mitchell (former New York Times movie reviewer) has tax liens against him for over $500,000 according to the Detroit News. You might remember the last time Elvis had money problems — he was stopped at the Canadian border with $12,000 in cash and 15 Cuban cigars. He declared $80. When confronted with the evidence, he said, “I have a fear of banks, so I keep cash in my house and I grabbed the wrong box… Apparently a Black man with dreads can’t carry that much cash, but I think there are a few worse things to be embarrassed about.”
You mean like playing the race card to try and get out of a blatant lie?
Today’s two-page excerpt of Victoria Gotti’s “book” is supposed to tell us the secret of the driver who vanished, right? Well, here it is.
Are you sitting down?
“I heard one of the officers tell my father that Favara was missing. I heard my father say, ‘Really?’ There was another minute of conversation, and then Dad said, ‘I wish I could help you gentlemen, but I’m sorry. I know nothing about this.’”
Riveting.
TOMORROW: The monster my father begged me not to marry
I can’t wait!
Is the humpback whale being taken off the endangered species list?!?
If so, is high fructose corn syrup to blame?
I think South Carolina just wants the attention.
Dean Allen is campaigning to be the head of the state’s National Guard.
So he held a fund-raiser at a shooting range.
Entry was $25, but that got you a barbecue, a clip of bullets and a raffle ticket (grand prize: an AK-47).
Guess which party Dean Allen belongs to. I’ll give you a hint: it rhymes with Bedublican.
More UN hate in the mailbag. Nothing worth repeating (again), though.
Phillip Seymour Hoffman plays Iago in a new production of Othello. Elisabeth Vincentelli gives it half a star.
Because she’s racist.
There’s still a very very miniscule chance that Texas could grab the Wild Card slot in the playoffs. But Boston would have to choke HARD for that to happen.
Stay tuned…
The Fat Reverend Al Sharpton is tonight’s guest host of WWE Raw.
I will give $5 to anyone that hits him with a folding chair.
The New York Giants are off to a fairly auspicious start (3-0).
Keep up the good work, team I used to love until they priced my family out of our season tickets!
Jenny Slate accidentally said “fuckin’” on SNL.
When Charles Rocket did it in 1981, he was fired and his career was so irrevocably damaged by it, he wound up killing himself in 2005.
$20 says Jenny Slate will be on next week. And the following week.
For the times, they are a-changin’.
(blows into harmonica)
Okay, House. Your season premiere was alternately amazing and unwatchable.
Please remind us why we love you. Please.
And to everyone who plans on watching Tom DeLay on Dancing with the Stars, shame on you.
Asta la manana!
NEW BOOK EXCLUSIVE
LIFE AS A GOTTI
Victoria reveals: The night my mom stabbed the Godfather
The entire front page, plus all of pages 8, 9, and 10.
And this is just the first day of excerpts! We’re only 25% finished! Oh, boy!
Fidel Castro has fathered at least 10 love children with six different women.
It’s good to be the dictator.
There’s a $0.99 application for the iPhone that allows you to type out a personal prayer and send it to a rabbi in Jerusalem who prints it out and stuffs it in the Wailing Wall for you.
You can also send a prayer to a rabbi in Cambria Heights, Queens, and he’ll print out and deliver your prayer to the grave of Rabbi Menachem Schneerson.
Why ask something of God during times of deep, humble meditation when for just 99 cents you can (i)phone it in?
Nice big full-color photo of US Postal Service mail carrier Keith Goode. He’s on the job, sitting on a stoop, sleeping.
The Post calls the photo “recent” and then, 3 paragraphs later, says this happened in July.
Between Gotti on the cover and this story taking up most of page 3, I get the feeling that this is going to be a slow news day.
P.S. – Keith’s excuse? He ate a “big sandwich” and he needed to “rest” because he “wasn’t feeling well.”
It wasn’t rain, sleet, wind or hail. It was a sammich.
Page 5 has two pieces on the World Trade Center. The tiny one in the bottom corner (“Tribute in Light due to dim out”) explains that there is no funding in place for the annual 9/11 memorial, so next year might be the firt without one.
The EXCLUSIVE rest-of-the-page piece is “NYPD STALLING WTC.”
Apparently, cops are unfairly cracking down on the construction site, “harass[ing] their mixing trucks with inspections that take so long, the concrete starts to harden and can’t be used.” They say it’s Ray Kelly enacting revenge on the Port Authority (they have their own police force which Kelly doesn’t like).
A lot of people should be very proud of themselves. Whoever is in the right here (if such a person exists) should still feel crushing guilt that, at the end of the day, there are still unrecovered remains of murdered Americans underneath their feet and they aren’t doing enough to refill what Bill Maher calls the Freedom Pit.
Continue to stand for it, New York!
Manhattan Congresswoman Carolyn Maloney’s husband, Clifton died on top of Cho Oyu (a mountain on the Tibet-Nepal border). He was 71. His last words (according to a congressional aide with him at the time) were, “I’m the happiest man in the world. I’ve just summited a beautiful mountain.”
Our deepest condolensces to Carolyn and her family.
Also, 71-year-olds probably should climb 23,000-foot mountains in the freezing cold.
And here are the three full pages of Gotti Family Secrets! Victoria’s mother threw a fork at John Gotti! He needed stitches! And… um… holy shit. The writing is comically bad. Not only is there no real dirt (“MOM STABBED MY FATHER” is the two-page banner headline only because “MOM THREW A FORK AND IT BROKE THE SKIN OF MY FATHER” wasn’t as catchy), but the stories are told by an idiot (signifying nothing).
“But on the streets, where it mattered most, word soon spread that John Gotti had officially earned his ‘bonus’ — a term used when a man became a wiseguy or goodfella.”
“TOMORROW: The killing of John Gotti’s son”? Oh, boy! How can Victoria make that exciting title boring?
Michael Goodwin has some advice for New Yorkers:
“Tuesday is the city’s Democratic primary run-offs for comptroller and public advocate. Here’s my general principle for these situations: When you see a candidate backed by the Working Families Party, think ACORN. Then vote for the other guy.”
Gee, I had no idea they made paintbrushes that big (that’s a “broad stroke” reference).
Here’s my advice for New Yorkers:
When you see a column written by Michael Goodwin, think Puckering Asshole. Then read something else.
Director Paul Morrissey was a guest on The O Show, which is a radio show broadcast from a basement on the Shepherd University campus in West Virginia. The host, Olivia Maxwell, asked him about movies.
“One of the best recent comedies I have seen is Hollywood Homicide with Harrison Ford and Josh Hartnett. But, for the most part, movies today are not as good as they were in the past, like the ones you can catch on Turner Classic Movies.”
So that’s whatever happened to Paul Morrissey.
Cindy Adams (“UN clowns can’t spoil MY town”) jumps on the Post’s “let’s all shit on the UN” bandwagon and the result is fairly off-putting.
Get in the box, Cindy. Please.
Did you know that Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones have the same birthday? It’s true! He was born on September 25th, 1944, and she was born twenty-five years later.
And he doesn’t look a day over rapidly decomposing!
Tufts University has enacted a new law: Students can’t have sex in their dorm room if their roommate is present.
I had no idea this was such a big problem at Tufts.
According to Maureen Callahan, Andrew Cuomo has a real temper problem and he takes it out on his co-workers. Yawn.
But in all fairness, Maureen’s way-too-long piece does include plenty of people telling her that she’s wrong about Cuomo.
Not satisfied with Kyle Smith’s hatchet-job review of Michael Moore’s new movie? Well, Kyle has a full page of fresh insults.
He tells the tale of how he tried to get Moore to admit that he used a Bolshevik anthem in his movie. Moore explained that it was a song from 19th century France. Smith points out that the author was a communist and repeatedly tries to get Moore to agree that communism is worse than capitalism.
“Moore got testy and said, ‘I’m not going to answer that. That’s bullshit. It’s not about capitalism vs. communism. It’s about democracy vs. greed,’ or words to that effect.”
Then Kyle’s mike was turned off and he was asked to leave.
“The last words I got in before I was hustled away were, ‘But Mr. Moore, I’m only doing the same thing to you that you did to all those GM execs.’ Moore replied with hot sarcasm, ‘Oh, yeah. It’s JUST the same,’ but did not explain how I was different from him.”
This is coming from the asshole who goes on to say that “[Moore's] previous movie was as enraptured with Fidel Castro than Shakespeare In Love was with Gwyneth Paltrow.” (I think he meant “Castro as Shakespeare…” but let’s let his sloppy prose remain as is.)
The snippet of text that’s blown up is “The crowd rattled their jewelry with delight, only because they know Moore lacks the power to get his ideas taken seriously.”
Michael Moore has plenty of shortcomings. He shoots himself in the foot in every movie he’s ever made. But if you watched Sicko and walked away thinking it was nothing more than a love letter to Fidel Castro, then you have a concussion and need to get to a hospital immediately.
Kyle Smith is a hypocritical putz.
Geraldo Rivera will be the master of ceremonies for the 2009 DogCatemy Celebrity Gala.
His fan must be so proud.
Every Sunday a famous person is asked to point out their favorite NYC spots to eat/shop/visit. Today they asked Cindy Adams (?). Will she be as ridiculous sounding here?
“[Angus McIndoe has] hamburgers, and I often order a hamburger. The last time I was there I was there with Val Kilmer. I get mine medium-rare, no cheese, lots of ketchup — so that it runs down my face.”
A-yup. B’also? She’s doing a one-woman show in her penthouse to benefit the ASPCA. If you really hate me, you’ll get me tickets.
Sara Lieberman discusses how everybody loves Drew Barrymore (“LOVE, LOVE ME DREW”) because she’s so… real.
“I mean, Justin Long? The Apple guy? He’s as non-Hollywood as they come. Drew got that — and went for it.”
Um, Sara? Click here. Justin Long is not as non-Hollywood as they come. Eric Lindberg is as non-Hollywood as they come.
Oh, boy! If you buy the Blu-Ray version of The Wizard of Oz 70th Anniversary Ultimate Collector’s Edition, you’ll be able to see “zits on Dorothy’s face!”
FINALLY!!!!
Andy Pettitte will take the mound in an hour and a half. If New York beats Boston (making it a clean sweep), then we will have locked up the AL East pennant. And it will be our 100th win of the year.
So. Excited.
Remember when we lost our first 8 games against Boston this year? Me neither.
But if we win today, we’d even out at 9-9.
Happy Sunday!
I was correct in predicting that the Post would spend numerous column inches deriding Obama for attempting to negotiate with Iran. I was just off by a day.
Iran nuke bombshell sits above a photo of Obama and the giant headline NOW WHAT? on the front page, with an accompanying excerpt: “Despite Iran having been caught building its second secret nuclear plant, President Obama said yesterday he still favors a dialogue with the rogue nation.” As opposed to… going to (a third simultaneous) war? Making threats that our armed forces are in no position to back up?
Look, I’m no fan of Iran (million-dollar t-shirt idea #6,392), but after 8 years of cowboy diplomacy, I find it refreshing that the man on charge of my country would rather exhaust all other options before doing something that might result in American deaths (or any deaths, really).
And to show you just how enormous this bombshell is, there’s a photo of A-Rod advertising today’s 24-page Super Sports Saturday Special to the left of it (though it’s not as big as the headline) and yet still another announcement that, starting tomorrow, Victoria Gotti’s new book will be excerpted for everyone’s enjoyment (this is actually bigger than the Obama headline).
But before they rake the POTUS over the coals, there’s a nice piece on page 3 about how the White House posted photos of Obama and the Spanish First Family on its Flickr page. Did I say nice piece? I meant more criticism.
O Goth! Bam outs Spain prez’s kids explains that no one in Spain had ever seen photos of the president’s kids (Laura, 16, and Alba, 13) because the president uses Spanish law to forbid the media from running photos of them.
And then the Post reprints the photo of them.
It’s kind of like announcing that a terrorist has been caught planning a weapon of mass destruction and then publishing the bomb’s ingredients.
P.S. – the kids look like they’re really into Twilight, The Cure and not attracting boys.
In 1994, Anne Scripps Douglas was killed by her second husband, Scott Douglas. Her daughter, Annie, called police when her mother didn’t come to the door of their home in Bronxville and they found Anne beaten to death. Scott drove his car to the Tappan Zee Bridge and leapt to his death (his body washed up in the Bronx three months later). Relatives say that Annie never got over those events and it appears they were right.
Thursday night at roughly 8:00 p.m., Annie drove her car to the Tappan Zee Bridge and leapt to her death.
This is sad. I apologize. Below is something that will cheer you up.
James Jimenez’ defense in the Kirsten Dunst/Simon Pegg theft trial is that he’s too stupid to have pulled it off.
Seriously.
He claims that his friend told him that it was OK to go to Dunst’s empty penthouse suite and that his friend gave him a white shopping bag to carry without telling him there was stolen property in it.
“He told me he was doing an errand for his mother,” the 35-year-old explained. The prosecutor replied, “At four in the morning?”
When everyone in the court stops laughing, I’ll let you know what James’ response is.
Can I just point out that we seem to be capturing a lot of almost-terrorists in the U.S. recently.
Without torturing people.
Who’da thunk it?
More details are available in the arrest of Randy Quaid and his wife, Evi.
Apparently, Evi was screaming at police about there being a “conspiracy with actors” to bring them down, forcing them to pin her to the hood of their car and handcuff her. Even Randy tried to shut her up.
A quick peek over here shows that Evi is accusing the arresting officer of trying to extort money from them.
I’ve tried searching for the letter that Randy is supposed to have released in which he thanks the sherif and calls it “a great arrest.” He also reportedly added, “Texas does not bother people over hamburgers ordered by room service, supposedly burglarized; I promise you, we have paid our bill.”
Cocaine is a Hell of a drug.
(it’s either that or insanity)
More trouble with the creation of the Second Avenue Subway (originally slated for 2012… then 2015… now July 2017).
Good thing the MTA has only spent… $4,500,000,000?!?!
I hate the MTA so much.
Hmmm… interesting.
CBS has an ad for the season premiere of 48 Hours (their investigative reporting show, not the Nolte/Murphy movie) tonight at 10:00 p.m.
“John Gotti’s family breaks its silence.”
And there’s a picture of Victoria Gotti!
So… I guess I don’t need to pick up tomorrow’s paper to find out about John Gotti’s secrets! Whew!
Why polling is a waste of time:
According to an AAA survey, 1 in every 5 drivers (20%) admits to having written and sent texts while driving.
And 95% of drivers find texting while driving to be “unacceptable.”
100% of me is totes confused.
I just learned something new about the John Travolta extortion case (besides the fact that his son was autistic, which John had denied for many years): Pleasant Bridgewater is a lady!
In a related story, come see my new improv group, Ms. Pleasant Bridgewater, next Wednesday at 9.
And here begins the vilification of Obama.
Spew Reproductive Organs (sorry, Ralph Peters) has a full-page tsk-tsk titled “IRAN’S NUKE LIE,” with the catchy sub-head “Appease-y does it for weak prez on road to a Mideast apocalypse.“
“Did it surprise a single Post reader that Iran’s been hiding a big nuclear weapons development facility? It stunned our president when he learned about it months ago. Then he kept it secret from you. Obama didn’t want you to know how much progress Iran had made. It’s an embarrassment.”
Actually, Ralph, I find what Bush did more embarrassing. See, he announced that he had proof of Iraq’s WMD’s (why don’t people call them W’sMD? it’s like saying Attorney Generals) and he started a war — that we’re still fighting many years later — only to find out later that he was 100% wrong. After years of being told “you don’t know what we know, so just shut up and accept what we tell you as fact,” we now have a POTUS that might want to make sure due diligence is done before scaring his constituents. You find that embarrassing and duplicitous.
But I find those qualities not in Obama, but in you, Ralphie Boy.
“How will it end? With desperate Israeli attacks that do only part of the job, followed by Iranian counterstrikes on Persian Gulf oil facilities, the closure of the Straits of Hormuz and oil above $400 a barrel. Only the United States can stop Iran’s nuclear program before it’s too late. And this president won’t.”
Sounds like someone’s glass is half empty. But it’s worth pointing the italicized last sentence of the article: Ralph Peters’ new best-selling thriller, “The War After Armageddon,” begins with Iran’s nuclear destruction of Israel.
I wonder how much credibility people would give to Stephen King if he started insisting that The Tommyknockers were on their way.
By the by – the publication date for Ralph’s book is September 15, 2009. Not sure how many copies it has sold (or if it can honestly be called a best-seller — it didn’t make the NYTimes’ top 15). I’ll keep my eyes open.
Joe Lieberman has declared support for “whatever it takes” to preventing Iran from gaining nuclear weapons.
He said he’d even abandon his party and principles… oh, wait. That was just to keep his job.
Oh, Shmuley. How could you?
Those tapes that Rabbi Shmuley Boteach has of his interviews with Michael Jackson (30 hours’ worth!) are chock-full of embarrassing comments (and being published as The Michael Jackson Tapes). Here are some clips of Michael (not) kissing and telling:
MJ had a crush on Princess Di, calling her “very feminine and classy. She was my type for sure, and I don’t like most girls.”
AND!
“I was 16, [Tatum O'Neal] was 13. And I was naive. She wanted to do everything and I didn’t want to have sex at all. I said, ‘Are you crazy?’”
AND!
He calls Brooke Shields “one of the loves of my life. We had one encounter when she got real intimate and I chickened out. And I shouldn’t have.”
AND!
“[Madonna] laid the law down to me before we went out: ‘I am not going to Disneyland, OK? That’s out… we are going to a strip bar.’ I said, ‘I am not going to a strip bar.’ Guys who cross-dress! Afterwards she wrote some mean things about me in the press, and I wrote that she is a nasty witch.”
B’ALSO!
He calls Adolf Hitler a “genius orator. To make that many people turn and change and hate, he had to be a showman and he was.”
You couldn’t leave that part out, Shmuley?
United, American, Delta/Northwest and US Airways will be charging a $10 surcharge on every ticket sold for travel on the Sunday after Thanksgiving, January 2nd and January 3rd.
They call it a “fuel surcharge.”
I call it theft, plane and simple.
The sister of one victim of Pan Am Flight 103 and the son of another victim met with Khadafy on Wednesday. They say it gave them closure (despite Khadafy never taking any responsibility for the attack).
The Post stops short of calling them wishy-washy hippie faggots, but you just know they wanted to.
I don’t watch Oprah (especially after she told her viewers that, in the current economic climate, it’s OK to tip waiters 10% at restaurants), but I guess she had Chynna Phillips on to “laud Mackenzie for her courage.” But Oprah also read a statement from Bijou Phillips which claims that Mackenzie once told her that the incest “didn’t” happen.
Oprah also read a statement from Michelle Phillips, which says that Mackenzie has no credibility because she “had a needle stuck up her arm for 30 years.”
Mackenzie said that “when Michelle found out I was writing this book, she vowed to do everything she could to discredit me.”
But Denny Doherty’s daughter backed Mackenzie’s claims saying that her father (a member of The Mamas and the Papas) told her it was true.
My favorite part is still when Michelle called Bijou retarded.
Danmell Ndonye will not be prosecuted for ruining the lives of five men she accused of raping her.
She’ll get psychiatric counseling and do 250 hours of community service.
I truly hope that the family of Rondell Bedward (who she later admitted never had sex with her, consensual or otherwise) takes her to civil court.
The law is a ass.
Dalton Chiscolm is suing Bank of America for “$1,784 billion trillion” because some checks were rejected for having incomplete routing numbers.
Good luck with that, Dalton.
Cabbies in Chicago are trying to get a rate hike (of 22%!) passed by the City Council. Additionally, they want to impose a $50 fine for puking in the backseat.
I’d love to see them try and collect that $50 from the drunk who just puked in their cab.
Cherry Hill, New Jersey is currently under siege.
By wild turkeys.
Seriously.
Natie Stewart of South Africa tried to break the world record for handling venomous snakes. He was attempting to spend 121 days with 40 snakes.
Can you guess what happened next?
He was rushed to the hospital after a puff adder bit him.
Maybe you could grow your fingernails really long, Natie? Or eat a lot of something?
And here’s some more (a LOT more) hating on Obama.
Benny Avni’s op-ed (“No More ‘Kumbaya’”) begins, “After a dreamy week in which President Obama presided over an endless chain of ‘Kumbaya’ moments at the United Nations, yesterday was wakeup time on Iran.”
Can I call that racist? No? Well, then, can I at least call it horribly worded? I mean, what does “wakeup time on Iran” even mean?
Not to be out-scumbagged, Jonah Goldberg’s op-ed (“O’s Arrogantly Foolish UN Speech”) begins, “It was the most Obamaesque address to date. ‘For those who question the character and cause of my nation,” the president pronounced at the United Nations on Wednesday, “I ask you to look at the concrete actions we have taken in just nine months.” America is 233 years old. Some think that there are ample accomplishments speaking to our character and cause that predate Obama’s ascension to the presidency. Feh, Obama seems to be saying. Look instead to our new greatness, for we have elected a man like him!”
Can I call that racist? No? Can I call it spurious and insulting? I mean, is he really chastising Obama for not listing America’s accomplishments over the last 233 years?
It’s called damage control, you disingenuous asshole. Bush made us the laughing stock of the world. Obama is trying to fix that. But, yeah, let’s pretend that what he was doing is tooting his own horn because he’s the ascendant Messiah.
But Obama isn’t the only victim in today’s paper.
In “Rats Deserting a Sinking ACORN,“ the Post writes, “ACORN’s sudden loss of friends may presage an eventual demise of the tainted, radical group that’s done so much harm. Hey, we can hope, can’t we?”
Hope what? That everyone ignores all of the good that the organization has done over the years? Is there corruption in it? Absolutely. Is there even more corruption on Wall Street? In the health insurance industry? In politics? ABSOLUTELY! But ACORN is more deserving of scrutiny and slander, I guess.
Which has absolutely nothing to do with racism.
Scout’s honor.
The UN also gets smacked around, thanks to the letters sent in.
Tim Walter of Milford, Pennsylvania says, “Lets get that stinking swamp out of our country. It can take President Obama, make him the president of the world; Khadafy can be his vice president.”
(Teresa, cross Milford off the list)
Phil Peters of Staten Island suggests that we, “Close the United Nations, and push it into the East River.”
Steve Becker of East Meadow says, “I suggest moving the United Nations to Pitcairn Island. Khadafy and the other loons can mingle with the descendants of the Bounty mutineers.”
And Joseph J. Santora of Manhattan declares, “The UNGA is the biggest assembly of criminals in New York since the Mafia met upstate in the 1950s. The assembly is funny enough for ‘Laugh-In’ and sufficiently pernicious for a meeting of Stalin’s Politburo.”
Tim hates our president. Phil is into littering. Steve once read a book and is thrilled that he got to finally reference it. And Joseph needs cable. Badly.
UBS gave the IRS the names of 250 US citizens with Swiss bank accounts.
Last month, they gave the IRS another 4,450 names.
Poor rich people.
If you go see a special sneak preview of Whip It tonight, you get a free t-shirt!
(wipes tear from corner of eye)
And the full-page ad tells me that it got 4 stars from (*snf*) Pete Hammond of Boxoffice Magazine.
Welcome home, Blurbman.
(he also gave The Boys Are Back 4 stars — if anyone can find a Pete Hammond review of something he hated, place send it my way)
New York and Boston will face off again in an hour. We kicked their butt last night (final score: 9-5, number of stolen bases by the Yankees: 7) and have Sabathia on the mound today. The Magic Number is now 3 (for the AL East title).
I can’t wait.
Oh! I didn’t notice this (I was watching on my computer as we also watched FlashForward, which is convoluted and silly): Melky Cabrera hit a bullet into the leg of Boston pitcher Jon Lester. Lester was later diagnosed with a bruised right quadriceps muscle.
Gracias, Leche!
Guess who’s leaving Law & Order: Criminal Intent (besides viewers).
Vincent D’Onofrio? Yup.
Kathryn Erbe? Yup.
Eric Bogosian? Yup.
Jeff Goldblum? Nope.
Julianne Nicholson? Yup.
Thanks for playing!
Get outside! It’s breezy and beautiful! Just like me!
One of my old writing teachers, Eric Spitznagel, does interviews for Vanity Fair. I’ve enjoyed them for a while now (he’s mad witty, yo), but he truly outdid himself this month. To read his hilarious interview with Warren G., click here. That’s the wonderful thing.
The awful thing is a beverage mash-up unlike anything I’ve ever imagined in a fever dream.
Clamato juice is tomato juice combined with the great taste of clams. Budweiser is beer that tastes like punishment.
And Chelada is Budweiser and Clamato juice.
Luckily, they also have a diet version (with Bud Light), in case you’re watching your weight but want to drink something cold that tastes like beer, tomato juice and clams.
See ya in the morning!
Seeing the word TRUTH! in giant letters on the front page of the Post is surprising (like a headline of PORK! on the front page of Keeping Kosher Daily). The reference is to Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu’s post-Ahmadinejad speech at the United Nations (the subhead is “Bibi puts scoundrels to shame at the UN“).
“Yesterday, the man who called the Holocaust a lie spoke from this podium. To those who refused to come and to those who left in protest, I commend you. To those who gave this Holocaust denier a hearing, I say on behalf of my people, the Jewish people, and decent people everywhere: Have you no shame? Have you no decency?”
He also brandished the blueprints for the Auschwitz-Birkenau concentration camp and the minutes from the 1942 Wannsee Conference, asking “Is this a lie?”
I have a feeling that there will be a whole bunch of editorials in today’s paper about how the UN is a farce and that Obama is an idiot for trying to reason with Iran.
The city’s Health Department has bedbugs in its tuberculosis-prevention unit.
(if you know what I mean)
Rosie? Did you replace Kirsten Dunst in court? Or was that actually Kirsten Dunst ruining her own reputation?
It seems as though she “giggled” throughout her testimony (against James Jimenez, who stole her purse from the Soho Grand).
More disturbing is the fact that Simon Pegg also testified (Jimenez stole his stuff, too), but wasn’t famous enough to merit a photo or a quote. Boo.
Page 4 is a full-page full-color ad for Victoria Gotti’s book (and the exclusive 4-part excerpt running in the Post).
The book has a man on the cover in a dress and wig… sorry, that’s Victoria Gotti. Oof.
The book promises to reveal:
* John Gotti’s intimate secrets
* How his wife and kids lived in fear
* Never before seen family photos.
The book is referred to on its cover as “The No-Holds-Barred Truth About Life Inside the Gotti Dynasty — Told By Their Most Famous Daughter” which may be grammatically incorrect (I haven’t decided yet).
I can’t wait to forget about it.
Six in ten New Yorkers think Obama is wrong to try and oust Paterson.
I think they should have asked more than ten New Yorkers.
Scientists have discovered that the moon has water on its surface.
And twenty-three Starbucks.
There’s a picture of Courtney Love shaking hands and posing with Hugo Chavez.
Regardless of your political leanings, can we all just agree that Courtney Love is hard to look at and riddled with communicable diseases?
“D.C. Bureau Chief” Charles Hurt has an editorial (“World’s cowards exposed“) that accuses the UN of being a farce (“that you — the struggling taxpayer — foot the bill for”).
“The only thing more criminal than sitting there listening to the lies and pure hate of these lunatics is standing there idly by watching history repeat itself.”
Wait… the Holocaust is happening again?
Mackenzie Phillips gets all of page 9 to herself — book sales must be gangbusters! (a quick peek at amazon.com shows Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol in the #1 slot, followed by Glenn Beck’s new coloring book [Glenn Beck is #2! LOLZ!], then Ted Kennedy’s posthumous memoir, then Mackenzie! You go, girl!)
So how has her story heightened since yesterday? What possible new revelation rears its head?
She fucked Mick Jagger was she was 18. And he told her that he had been waiting to fuck her since she was 10.
Any regrets? “I was proud of my conquest. Or of having been conquested.”
She also boasts of seducing the niece of one of Andy Warhol’s “cronies” at a party hosted by the Kennedy family.
Oh, and she took drugs while pregnant. And so did her stepmom when she was pregnant with Bijou (hilariously, Mackenzie claims that her stepmom regretted doing so and would later kick Mackenzie, screaming, “It’s your fault Bijou’s retarded!”).
Anything else, Mac? Any more names to drop/sully? Did Pat Harrington molest you? No? Then back to obscurity with you!
This is mad helpful, yo.
According to my awesome paper, the following five over-the-counter ingredients can be mixed to “unleash mass destruction.”
Have a pen handy?
Hydrogen peroxide, hydrochloric acid, acetone, flour and ghee oil.
Thanks, Post!
Time for a fun time-wasting quiz!
You’re welcome!
Lamar Odom is marrying Khloe Kardashian on Sunday. They’ve been dating for a month.
Will their marriage last as long?
Remember Madonna’s touching speech about Michael Jackson (and, more importantly, herself) at the VMA’s? Well, she obviously didn’t know what MJ thought about her… but now we do — thanks to an old videotaped interview with Rabbi Shmuley Boteach!
“Is there a lot of jealousy in your profession?” asked the Jew.
“Absolutely and M is one of them. Madonna,” replied the pedophile.
Am I being too cruel to Mr. Jackson? Before you answer, read this:
“I’ve seen children just shower all over me with love. They want to just touch me and hug me and completely just hold on and cry and not let go… and mothers pick their babies and put them into my arms — ‘Touch my baby, and hold them, touch my baby, touch my baby.’”
For more revolting excerpts, watch Shmuley on upcoming episodes of Dateline and Today.
I’ve mentioned (repeatedly) that Randy Quaid is banned-for-life from Actors’ Equity and will therefore never set foot on a union stage again. What I just learned is that, at the hearing Actors’ Equity held to discuss Quaid’s punishment, his wife got into a fight with the 76-year-old receptionist “that ended with the receptionist bleeding from the shins and Evi Quaid’s finger broken.” But all of this is old news.
The new news is that Randy and Evi was arrested by Texas police near the Mexican border yesterday. They were charged with skipping out on a $10,000 hotel bill (in California). During the arrest, Evi fought with police. They’re charged with burglary, defrauding an innkeeper and conspiracy.
I wonder how “defrauding an innkeeper” differs from defrauding, say, an Avon lady.
What hot gossip do you have for me today, Cindy Adams?
“And at the Emmy’s gift lounge, Charlie Sheen was deeply into Lipton Tea’s cranberry pomegranate flavor.”
(slowly backs away)
I was initially excited by the first sentence… until I read the next one.
“The ugly ducklings of the subway system are finally on track for makeovers. Fifty decrepit, ignored and possibly dangerous stations — some in the farthest-flung areas of the system — have been slated for at least partial renovations in the next five years, according to MTA documents.”
Oh boy! In the next five years, some stations will get at least partial renovations! According to documents!
“You can stop standing on his throat now, Jed.”
“Never.”
The Center for Consumer Freedom took out a full-page ad asking “Big Apple or Big Brother?”
They take offense at the current anti-soft drink climate.
I did a little research: the CCF was originally the Guest Choice Network. Which was started in 1995 with just $600,000. Donated by the Philip Morris tobacco company. To fight restaurants that were banning smoking.
Other battles the CCF fights include keeping the legal blood-alcohol level for drivers at 0.10, Charlotte’s Web’s anti-bacon message, and the re-implementation of trans fats in just about everything.
What a bunch of assholes.
Anybody need another reason to hate South Carolina?
One of its residents decided to propose to his girlfriend by standing 150 lit candles in side paper bags on a beach in Hilton Head, which led to the deaths of dozens of loggerhead sea turtle hatchlings.
The federally-protected turtles were confused by the lights and got confused on their way to the water. They were all eaten by crabs.
I imagine that, later that evening, he gave her different crabs.
Another editorial about how awful the UN is (I told you so).
And Bill O’Reilly suggests that it might be time to build a giant ark. He lists some the problems in the world (Iran’s nuclear weapons, Mexico’s drug problems, Afghanistan is “falling apart”) and then commends Obama for pleading with the UN to help fix these problems.
But the sentence that’s blown up and embedded in the middle of the column is “It must be tough for Obama to sleep at night.”
The full sentence is, “It must be tough for Obama to sleep at night knowing the world is such a malevolent place.”
Nowhere in the column does he actually criticize what Obama is doing, which makes his opined opinion (that Obama doesn’t sleep well) out of place. The truncated version, even moreso.
And I wasn’t kidding about the ark. O’Reilly really is that insane.
Is Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer going bankrupt? Maybe!
OK! Magazine is paying $300,000 for exclusive photos of Khloe Kardashian’s wedding.
(waves miniature American flag)
Lou Lumenick gives the remake of Fame one star (and titles his review “LAME!”). Good one, Lou!
I keep seeing ads for Pandorum, but I don’t know anything about it. Looks creepy. And it stars the Quaid brother that isn’t in jail.
Just watched the trailer for Pandorum online. If you mixed Event Horizon with the “Space Madness” episode of Ren & Stimpy, you’d pretty much have this movie.
“From the producers of the Resident Evil movies” doesn’t exactly entice me, either.
Kyle Smith gives The Surrogates three stars and proclaims that he liked it more than District 9 (which he gave two stars).
Which makes me realize that it’s been weeks (if not months) since I saw Pete Hammond’s name in a movie ad.
I hope he’s OK.
Boston won, Texas lost. There is no more Wild Card race.
Is there a chance that Boston takes the AL East? Yes. Do I care? No.
Let them kick our asses for the next three days… if it means that we can return the favor when it counts.
The fact that Joba is starting tonight does give me agita, though.
According to the Post’s Boston/New York matchups (who has the edge in our 3-game series), Boston has the advantage in left field (Jason Bay over, ironically, Johnny Damon), center field (Ellsbury over Melky) and manager (Francona over Girardi). The Yanks have the advantage at first base (Teixeira over Youkilis), shortstop (Jeter over Gonzalez), third base (A-Rod over Lowell), and starting pitching (despite Joba starting).
Everything else is “even.”
First game is at 7:00 tonight. Hold my calls.
MTV is looking to air the eight completed episodes of DJ AM’s drug-intervention reality series, Gone Too Far.
Which they might have.
Michael Starr, who hates Mad Men for some reason, wants you all to know that Selena Gomez shopped for Artist Jeans at American Eagle in L.A.
Keep up the extraordinary work, Mike!
The writers at CSI wanted Laurence Fishburne’s character to get a promotion (LF agreed), to have a wife (LF agreed) and to be from Brooklyn.
“They wanted to make my character from Brooklyn, which is where I’m from, and I thought, ‘Wouldn’t it be more interesting if they made him from some place like, Seoul?’”
Uh… no?
Watch the new season of CSI and you’ll learn that Laurence Fishburne’s character was born in… Seoul!
Great job, Larry!
And that, as they say, is that.
The weekend is less than 6 hours away.
And now I’m off to buy groceries! I am manly!
We stayed home last night and it seemed to have done the trick, as Sicky LaRue is back at work today.
I thought I accidentally bought a newspaper from 1978, as John Travolta and Mackenzie Phillips are on the front page, but no. Mackenzie’s bombshell revelation from yesterday (“My 10-year affair with my own papa“) sits atop a scowling Barbarino (“JOHN’S AGONY“). I wonder which cast member from The Facts of Life or Alice will be the next blast from the past to wind up on the cover of the Post.
I keep looking for the Post’s “NOW WITH MORE SCHADENFREUDE!” sticker, but it must have fallen off.
Mackenzie has been relegated to pages 28-29, so I’ll talk about her later. Travolta’s on pages 4-5, but before I get into Travolta’s bombshell (and I don’t mean the hot wife he pretends to sleep with!), let’s discuss pages 2-3.
Page 2 is a full-page ad for tonight’s season premiere of CSI. Money well spent.
Page 3 is a one-two punch of Paterson stories. First there’s the story that claims that “Gov. Paterson has privately accused Attorney General Andrew Cuomo — his would-be replacement — of ‘wiring up’ President Obama’s unprecedented attempt to get him out of office next year.”
Oh, so Paterson said “wiring up”? Nope. “Paterson made the charge to several associates in recent days and ‘definitely believes Andrew Cuomo wired this up, set this whole thing in motion,’ said a well-known Democrat with strong Washington connections.”
Oh! No one said “wiring up” but “a well-known Democrat with strong Washington connections” (Ashton Kutcher? Is it Ashton Kutcher? I’m thinking it’s either Michael Stipe or Ashton Kutcher.) claims that Paterson said “Cuomo wired this up.”
“A second source, within the governor’s own administration, said ‘Paterson definitely blamed Andrew.’”
So… nothing from Paterson himself?
“While Paterson claimed through a spokesman that he never accused Cuomo of being behind the Obama attacks, he suggested just that during a public appearance in Syracuse. ‘A number of people connected to [Cuomo] certainly did that,’ said Paterson. ‘I’m sure it didn’t bother him.’”
Now, I don’t write for no fancy newsthingy, but how is accusing “people connected to Cuomo” the same thing as accusing Cuomo? How can you start with “Paterson accuses Cuomo of ‘wiring up’ the attacks against him” and wind up with “Paterson says Cuomo isn’t bothered by the fact that everyone around him is working to make him the next governor” and not laugh yourself into a coma?
But that’s the sidebar. The main article is about Mrs. Paterson’s anger at Obama.
“‘I never heard of a president asking a governor not to run, a sitting governor not to run, so I thought it was very unusual that this would be asked of David, and I don’t think this is right,’ she told The Post during a luncheon hosted by columnist Cindy Adams. ‘David is the first African-American governor in the state of New York and he’s being asked to get out of the race. It’s very unusual and it just seems very unfair.’”
Again, let me just interject and point out that the man wasn’t elected to the position and his constituents, with very few exceptions, think he’s doing an incredibly shitty job. Remember when the state senate refused to do any legislatin’? We needed a governor that had a spine. We needed a steamroller. We got Magoo. Good to see Cindy Adams is getting out of her house/crypt.
But I agree with Michelle (do all Black politicians marry Michelles?) Patersons comment that it seems unfair for Obama to ask her husband to “get out of the race.” In fact, I would say that Paterson has more of a legitimate connection to the race than Obama (who’s only half-Black). I think Paterson should drop out of the upcoming election, but remain Black.
Travolta’s in a Bahamian court, the “star witness” (see what they did there?) in the trial of two people accused of attempting to blackmail him. But the real story, the huge revelation was this admission:
“Yes, my son was autistic and he suffered from seizure disorder.”
After many years and many denials (it’s Kawasaki Syndrome! we play catch! I’M NOT GAY AND MY SON IS NOT AUTISTIC!!!), John Travolta admitted that Jett suffered from autism.
I wonder if John will be demoted in the Church of Scientology for believing in autism.
The Post describes the Russian billionaire who is in talks to buy a majority stake in the New Jersey Nets as a “purported purveyor of prostitutes.”
One might think that means he’s a pimp, but no. They mean that he once (allegedly) hired hookers for a party he was throwing.
But alliteration is more important than accuracy (duh!).
Excerpts from Victoria Gotti’s new book “start in the Sunday Post”?
When do they end?
Khadafy was introduced at the UN as “the king of kings of Africa.”
He demanded that the UN be moved to another hemisphere so he wouldn’t have jet lag, called Obama “my son” (oh yeah? then where’s his birth certificate?) and accused capitalists of manufacturing the swine flu in a military lab “for capitalist countries who will make vaccinations and make money.”
He was supposed to speak for 15 minutes. He spoke for 96.
And Andrea Peyser failed to arrest him (again).
My favorite line? “Jack Ruby, an Israeli, killed Lee Harvey Oswald. Why did this Israeli kill Harvey? The whole world should know that Kennedy wanted to investigate the actions of the Israeli nuclear reactor in Dimona.”
Shine on, you crazy mass murderer.
I think columnist Rich Lowry might have been molested by his social studies teacher.
How else to explain this opening salvo in today’s column (“Prez comes across as a gullible sap“): “President Obama yesterday did his best impression of a high-school sophomore participating in his first Model UN meeting, retailing pious cliches he learned from his pony-tailed social studies teacher.”
Also, I had no idea that someone could retail a cliche. I may have just found a new source of income!
Gordon Brown made five separate requests to meet with Obama at the UN yesterday or the G20 summit today. All five were turned down.
That’s what happens when you free a terrorist from jail to show him compassion, you dumb-ass.
Hey, Rosie! Kirsten Dunst is due in court today — throw on some shades and head to Centre Street! You’ll be paparazzied in no time! You can even scream hateful things and they’ll wind up being attributed to Dunst! Woo-hoo!
And now, a word from our sponsors. (thanks, Drew!)
A 6-year-old girl on a pink scooter (awwww) was hit by an SUV on the Upper East Side yesterday. Luckily, it happened near Global Pediatrics. Five doctors rushed out and immediately attended to the girl’s injuries. She was then taken to NYU Medical Center where she is listed in stable condition.
Her parents are incredibly relieved and will be until they get the bill.
I call bullshit, Page Six (today on page 14).
According to “a source,” Jennifer Aniston delayed filming and wouldn’t come out of her trailer to shoot a scene (for the upcoming The Bounty) because “this scene reminds me of Brad and me.”
I have a sneaking suspicion that, even if she truly felt that way, she’d never say it out loud (for fear that “a source” might share it with Page Six).
I know I’ve said it before, but this new “featured columnist page” is ugly. The photo of Andrea Peyser doesn’t help, either.
Today, Peyser has three stories (and none are about her continued quest to bring Khadafy to justice! hurry! he’s leaving soon!). The first one discusses “‘Working mother’ Michelle’s ID crisis” (see, Mrs. Obama told a conference of “Corporate Voices for Working Families” — in January — that she was “blessed” by having a chief-of-staff and personal assistant at her disposal. “‘Everyone should have a chief-of-staff and a set of personal assistants,’ she enthused.” But NOW she’s appealing to mothers, claiming that they’re in charge of their family’s health and that they’re “crushed by the current structure of our health care.”).
I should also point out that Peyser points out that when Michelle was recently discussing health care, she was “wearing a wide, dominatrix-style belt.”
Well, Michelle? Which is it? Do you think there’s a problem with health care? Or did you make a joke about everyone getting personal assistants nine months ago?
Next up is a warning to Karla Giraldo (girlfriend [?] of Hiram Monserrate) to “forget the trial. Pay attention to the case down the hall. This could be your future.” Which case is she referring to? The People vs. Brigitte Harris (she cut off her father’s penis for repeatedly raping her and wound up killing him).
OK, Karla? Do you understand? Your future may be getting raped by your father and then killing him. Oh, but first you’ll tart working at an airport.
But the piece de resistance is “‘Homeless’ doll costs $95 (hairstyling extra)” which blows the lid off of the makers of American Girl dolls’ attempt to indoctrinate children. Ready?
“Little children as young as 4 are addicted to these pricey little monsters. It’s like middle-American crack. You have an African-American doll, an American Indian doll. A Jewish one. A doll who ‘lived’ during the Great Depression, and one from the Roaring ’20s. And while you were snoozing, the creators of American Girl, which is sold by Mattel, got bold. They engaged in all-out political indoctrination.”
What is the unforgivable crime that is being perpetrated against the children of this nation? The new doll, Gwen, is homeless. Her backstory is that her mother lost her job and the two of them sleep in a car. What does Andrea think this teaches children?
“For starters, men are bad. Fathers abandon women without cause. She’s also telling me that women are helpless. And that children in this great country, where dolls sell for nearly 100 bucks a pop, are allowed to sleep in motor vehicles. But mothers don’t lose custody over this injustice. Because, you see, they are victims, too.”
Um, Andrea? It’s a doll. The scary Black POTUS isn’t trying to brainwash your kids and neither is the expensive doll. Are you actually complaining that the backstory didn’t also say that the father had a good reason for abandoning his family? That it didn’t make it clear that NO women in the U.S. are helpless? That NO children sleep in cars every night? That NO mother has ever lost custody of their child because, you see, they are victims, too?
“Barbie, the feminists long complained, gave girls body issues. But she never attempted to politically indoctrinate me.”
Andrea Peyser, ladies and gentlemen.
Cindy Adams says that Secretariat will start filming with John Malkovich as the horse’s trainer and Diane Lane as the horse’s owner. Might I suggest Sarah Jessica Parker for the titular lead?
Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say that Karla Giraldo needed 20 stitches on her face after Hiram Monserrate slashed it with glass? I must have gotten that from this shitty paper. No, it was actually “30 to 40.” And she’s scarred for life.
This should be a “Love is…” strip.
Plaxico Burress got to Riker’s Island yesterday and was greeted with cheers…
… of “asshole!” and “the Giants suck!”
So he’s in “voluntary protective custody.” His inmate number, should you want to visit or send him white wine, is 09-R-3260.
Also, here’s some advice for the inmates: Plaxico isn’t a NY Giant anymore. If you want to really hurt his feelings, point out that he shot himself in the leg so he wouldn’t drop his glass of wine. That should do it.
And here’s Mackenzie.
“Your father is supposed to protect you. Not fuck you,” writes the former TV star in her new book. She goes on to say that her father wanted to run away with her to Fiji where they could be married and live together.
Her book is #13 on Amazon.com (thanks, Oprah!).
Her stepmother, Michelle Phillips, claims that Mackenzie is lying. “She told me [about the rape], then she called me back and said, ‘You know I’m joking.’ I said it wasn’t funny.”
“Someone needs to put a face on consensual incest,” Mackenzie told Oprah.
You just did, lady. Congratulations on the book.
Upchuck Danglybits (sorry, Ralph Peters) reveals “The Rules Murdering Our Troops” in Afghanistan. His latest book, The War After Armageddon, is written entirely in crayon. Red crayon.
The bonus pool at Goldman Sachs i expected to grow to $16,000,000,000 at the end of this quarter.
That’s just $6,000,000,000 more than they borrowed from the government!
See, everyone? Capitalism works! For everything!
No Yankee game tonight (Boston faces KC again, Texas faces Oakland), but we face Boston Friday-Sunday. Our Magic Number (for the AL East) is 5. A sweep would do that. If Texas gets its shit together, they could also gain mad ground in the Wild Card race.
We’ll see…
And for the record? We won 2 out of 3 in Anaheim, which is the first time in five years that we won a series there.
Congrats, Yanks!
The CW has announced another reality show that no one could possibly enjoy watching.
Fly Girls will follow five Virgin Airways stewardesses in their “high-flying careers filled with exotic locations and handsome strangers.”
I can just imagine the poor passengers who had to deal with film crews on their already cramped flights to wherever in Virgin’s discomfort tubes.
That’ll do it for today. Tomorrow is Friday and after that… WEEKEND!
Stay classy.
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