Not a whole lot going on in today’s (yesterday’s) paper. Jenna Bush Hager got hired by the Today show to contribute monthly stories on “issues like education.” She will continue to teach elementary school (to her father) during her tenure at NBC. I wonder if she’ll address what her father did to the Texas school system before he became POTUS…

How do make web-nerds angry? If you’re IKEA, you change the font in your catalogs from Futura to Verdana. Honestly, the responses on the internet are pretty amazing. The online forum Typophile ended its first response to the first change to the IKEA catalog’s font (in 50 years!) with the line, “It’s a sad day.” I agree, but not in the way Typophile meant.

Almost as disgusting as the stuff we’re learning about Phillip Garrido are all of the neighbors and relatives who are getting their 15 minutes by telling whoever will listen “I always knew there was something going on in that house” and “I’ve been wondering for years how a registered sex offender could get away with having kids in his house” and “I believe my son killed those prostitutes” yet no one ever did anything about what they saw/feared/assumed. Except the person that called in the cops. Sadly, the cops didn’t really look through Garrido’s house when they followed up on that call. This story makes me very angry.

Over 200 New Jerseyans have been raising a stink about Moammar Khadafy’s plans to stay in their state next month. Khadafy has assured them that he will stay in Manhattan instead. Are you gonna let New Jersey show you up, New York? Let’s get to protestin’!

Speak of the devil! Chuck Schumer has called for sanctions against Britain (if, and only if, it is proven that they entered a quid pro quo with Libya for the release of the Lockerbie terrorist/oil). That’s not quite what I meant by protestin’, but it’s a start.

Ever wondered what math smells like? What about social awkwardness? Well, wonder no more! The British website Firebox is releasing a new line of Star Trek-themed colognes. If you have $49 (and no dignity), you can purchase Tiberius or Red Shirt (both for “men”) or Pon Farr (for “women” — and named after the Vulcan mating ritual). I can already hear the radio ads… “Unfuckable… that’s what you are…”

Final Destination 3-D topped the box office this past weekend. I’ll be seeing it today. Hooray!

In Pakistan, a contestant on a reality show was swimming across a lake wearing a 15-pound backpack when he suddenly stopped, yelled for help and then sank. He drowned. He was 32. The show’s sponsor, Unilever Pakistan, claims no responsibility for the man’s death, but are going to provide for the man’s widow and four kids “out of rightness.” Think that’d happen in the US? Me, neither. But my favorite part is the last sentence of the story: “Plans to air the show are on hold.” I guess they’re waiting for the right time to air the man’s unnecessary and easily-avoidable death out of rightness.

Point At Another Briefcase Or Stop Pointing At Briefcases is moving to Waterford, Connecticut. Congratulations to the germaphobe host and the hookers who assist him.

Off to the cinema. More to come…