Archive for September 2nd, 2009

Only In America? Really?

2nd September
2009
written by jed

The Post’s headline (‘ONLY IN AMERICA’) refers to Ashley Dupree’s mother’s shocked (shocked, I tell you!) response to Eliot Spitzer’s possible re-entry into politics. That explanation comes in the sub-head (Spitz hooker’s mom shocked he’s back).

I have a feeling that this could happen… scratch that… IS happening in Italy right now. But the hooker’s mom doesn’t strike me as very worldly.

I wonder if she is more surprised, as surprised or less surprised by this news than she was upon hearing that her daughter fucked strangers for money. Maybe I’ll find out when I get to Page 5…

Muhammad Ali went to Dublin, Ireland yesterday to visit his Irish ancestry (his great-grandfather, Abe Grady, married a freed slave and settled down in Kentucky in the 1860’s). To celebrate his new-found heritage, Ali is changing his name to Cassius Claymore. No, Cassius Claigh. No, Paddy McPunchpunch.

One onlooker was quoted as saying, “Must be Irish ‘cuz jelly don’t shake like that.”

Just kidding. Who doesn’t love The Greatest?

Sex and the City 2: Return of Horseface has begun filming in Manhattan. It opens (barring an accident that painfully kills the entire cast) on May 28, 2010. If seeing old women dress like teenagers makes you sad, plan to stay in that weekend (the multiplexes will be filled with drunken cougars). Conversely, if that’s what makes you excited, buy your ticket now.

Gmail crashed yesterday? Huh. Guess I missed it. Hooray for having things to do!

According to this horrible paper, the government will “strongly recommend” that people get the swine flu shot. Which, I guess, means that it will be mandatory (right, fear-mongering mouth-breathers?).

No, Dupre’s mom never mentions anything close to shame or regret for having raised a whore. She just complains about how rough her daughter has it. Poor Ashley.

You know, if she’s really hard up for cash, maybe she could fuck strangers for money?

Enough Jews complained (!) about MLB and ESPN’s Yom Kippur day game that became a night game that the game has been pushed back to 1:00 p.m.

You know who was quoted as saying he was “just relieved” that the schedule had returned to normal? Boston’s Kevin Youkilis — who happens to be a Jew. That’s right, Red Sox fans. You’ve been cheering for a Jew.

(cue The Crying Game theme)

If the Yankees reach the World Series this year, guess how many tickets will be made available to fans who aren’t season ticket holders. Go on, guess.

The answer is 735.

StubHub is already selling some of those tickets for $23,000. Each.

Yeah, that’s fair.

Michelle Duggar (“star” of the TLC “show” 18 Kids and Counting) is pregnant again.

“Here I am — 42, thinking my baby days are over — and [God] blessed us with another one!”

I’m pretty sure God isn’t blessing you, Michelle. He’s cursing your husband.

According to CBS News, 49% of Americans DO NOT feel that town-hall protesters reflect the views of most Americans (41% do). 47% of Americans think government will do a BETTER job at keeping healthcare costs down (38% disagree).

But, you know, death panels, Socialist Marxism, gun rights, etc.

(waves miniature American flag with Hitler mustache pencilled in)

(What’s left of) Michael Jackson will be buried in the Freedom Mausoleum at Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale, California.

Originally, Jackson was to rest in the Great Mausoleum, but “loved ones switched gears to get him near [Walt] Disney and a Stooge.”

The Stooge is Larry Fine, by the way.

Good to see that the Jackson family continues to be a classless swarm of starfuckers.



From K-Fed to Fed-Ex to Well-Fed?

Renee Zellweger will reprise her role as Bridget Jones! And her boyfriend, Bradley Cooper, is co-starring in the A-Team movie!

(screams into pillow)

Do all of the idiots that keep insisting that Obama uses a teleprompter as a crutch believe that W. delivered all of his speeches from memory?

A Marvel shareholder is trying to prevent the company’s sale to Disney.

His name isn’t available, but he resides in Latveria.

Guess what’s replacing the Zen Palate in Union Square. Go on, guess.

Did you guess Bennigans? WRONG!

Did you guess Sonic? WRONG!

Did you guess T.G.I. Friday’s? Correct!

Finally! I can get a shitty cheeseburger for $18.00! Plus tax, tip and tetanus shot!

According to the mousy homosexual that writes about theater, Disney wants absolutely no part of the Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark travesty that continues to threaten Broadway. But rumor has it that Bono might raise the necessary money to get the show back on track. Not his own money, mind you. But, you know, some money.

(“No, seriously, The Edge. I think you should totally invest. Here… have another potato.”)

The Yankees continue to win, but so does Boston. So I have to start actively rooting for (shudder) the Texas Rangers.

Sigh.



Are they remaking Spaceballs? Because David Wright would be perfect for Dark Helmet…

Did Mad Men kill Michael Starr’s parents?

This jagoff (whose job is to fill six column inches with regurgitated press releases every day) continues to hate on a show that seems to be popular with almost everyone I know.

“AMC has renewed Mad Men for a fourth season… Whatever.”

To put this in perspective, here’s another “item” from today’s column: “NBC PR exec Sharon Pannozzo watches bro-in-law Michael Salerno be an extra today on the ‘Law & Order’ set.”

So… something that millions are interested in hearing gets a “whatever” but something that appeals to a PR exec and her “bro-in-law” doesn’t?

How about changing the name from “The Starr Report” to “Starr: Fucker”?


Gotsta go get more crumbled gorgonzola, yo. Have a lovely day!

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