Archive for September 3rd, 2009

Traitor Joe’s and also The (disg)Race Card

3rd September
2009
written by jed

It’s too small. It’s an entire store brimming with impulse buys. I went in for crumbled gorgonzola and came out with $50 in groceries. They should change the name of the store to “What an odd product! Only $2.00? Why not?”

But I don’t want to complain about TJ’s. Well, I do, but I won’t. I wanted to share two conversations I overheard (one inside, one outside). First, there was the business-suited lady who stood with her cart in the middle of the frozen food section while braying on her fancy cell phone. This was the line that made me scowl:

“No, there’s a contest at work where the person who handles the most respiratory gets an extra $1,000 a month. Yeah, big whoop.”

Things to note:

1) Respiratory what? Is she a rep for a company that sells medical equipment? Is she in pharmaceuticals? Is she a personal trainer?

2) If an additional $12,000 a year is an insignificant sum to this woman, then congratulations to her. But she’s in a discount supermarket surrounded by people wondering how many free samples of frying cheese with maple syrup they can eat without being chastised.

3) Almost everything in her cart was frozen. So she’s wealthy but can’t afford a cook and her mannish features and portions for one make me think that she lives alone. Maybe what she meant was “Another $1,000 a month? I have so much saved up I’ll never get around to spending it, plus I’ll never know what love is because I am the kind of jerk that makes the elderly hobble around me to get their frozen vittles while I let them know (in a roundabout way) about my moneys. Also, I smile like Dick Cheney.”

The other conversation I overheard was at the bus stop across the street. As the B75 took its sweet time pulling up, two youths of African descent passed by. This was what I overheard:

1: But he said that, um, his thing was that the, um, second place is the first loser.

2: Holy shit. I never thought of that.

1: Right?

2: Damn. That’s like…

1: Second place is first loser.

2: Damn! (laughs) That’s so true! Damn!

And then they were gone. I’m not doing justice to the epiphanic nature of #2’s replies. If his friend had told him the secret meaning of life, his reply would probably have been the same. I mean, he was excited that his friend had explained to him why coming in second place was a bullshit achievement; he seemed to have been waiting for someone to do so.

I also have a bus story, but let’s get to the Post first.

Eliot Spitzer’s whore is on the cover. The banner up top reads Ashley’s message to NYC women and the headline below (next to the photo of her looking like a whore) is ‘GET REAL! …you’re just like me

That’s just silly. With everything going on in the world, not only does this bimbo get the entire front page, but her message is that all women in NYC are also whores. That’s unfair to the 10% that aren’t.

(just kidding, ladies!)

Now my bus story.

We live at the end of a block. Our bus stop is at the other end of the block. It’s a nice 60-second walk. But occasionally, I’ll see the bus pulling away as I approach it and I am powerless to do anything about it.

But one day I figured out that, if a train comes within 2 minutes of the bus leaving, I can catch up to the bus at Smith and 9th. Yesterday the plan worked perfectly. As I exited the subway and took my place at the bus stop, I saw the B75 approaching. As fate would have it, it stopped in such a way that I was the first to board. The driver was being supervised by another MTA employee (they had matching uniforms), which gave me a second’s pause, but whatever.

I sat down across from the side door when a morbidly obese and balding man pried open the side door (from the outside) and boarded the bus. He sat directly in front of me and started reading his Daily News.

I have always had a problem with people committing crimes around me. Having paid (waaaaay too much) for my MetroCard, it bothered me that this sweatpantsed fatty was riding for free. Surely at least one of the two MTA ladies saw this and will say or do something, right? Nope. Fatty rode to the stop before mine and waddled off. And though it had little to nothing to do with me, I remained mildly angered at the crime he had just committed in plain sight.

When I got home, I listened to Marc Maron’s first WTF podcast (he was interviewing Jeffrey Ross) and he began it by explaining why he recently shoplifted from the Whole Foods in Union Square (the line was too long and the product was too expensive). Valid excuses? Of course not. But I doubt he’ll face any kind of reprimand for it.

Which brings me to Charlie Rangel.

He’s the chairman of the Ways and Means Committee. He has lied on just about every tax return that he remembered to file. He’s even lied on the amendments to the returns that he filed. Today I learned that two of his top aides (and roughly ten other paid staff members on the Ways and Means Committee) have just filed a whole bunch of amendments, correcting their financial-disclosure statements.

In fact, Rangel’s chief of staff, Jim Capel, just filed five of them (he “forgot” to do this for the last SIX YEARS).

And Rangel’s legal counsel, George Dalley? More lies, more “forgetfulness.”

And nothing will happen. No one will be punished. The fat guy gets to ride for free, reeking of sweat and calories, while the paying customers are forced to stand in the aisle. It just isn’t fair.

But the coup de grace, the exclamation point at the end of the sentence “I hate Charlie Rangel!” is what Rangel said on Tuesday. He was at a health-care forum in Washington Heights when he waxed poetic on how disliking Obama is racist.

“Some Americans have not gotten over the fact that Obama is president of the United States. They go to sleep wondering, ‘How did this happen?’”

He elaborated that when people complain that Obama is “trying to interfere” with their lives by pushing for health-care reform, “then you know there’s just a misunderstanding, a bias, a prejudice, an emotional feeling.”

Not seething with rage yet? He went on to compare health-care reform with the civil rights movement.

“Why do we have to wait for the right to vote? Why can’t we get what God has given us? That is the right to live as human beings and not negotiate with White southerners and not count the votes. Just do the right thing.”

Not really sure what that last two sentences mean, don’t really care. I just want this race-baiting asshole to lose his job and go to prison. But I’ll settle for either/or.

Just do the right thing, Charlie. Jump out the window of one of the four penthouse apartments you have in Harlem.

Lauren Hanley! You’re a nun! A 68-year-old nun!

And you like gin! You love it! In fact, you drank half a bottle and then went for a drive!

You swerved onto people’s lawns! You almost hit some kids! You hit some parked cars!

And a tree! Your ride ended when you hit that tree!

And what charge does she now face? Misdemeanor drunken driving. That’s a maximum of one year in prison.

That’s some bullshit, Lauren.But rest assured, you’re going to Hell.

(all nuns are)

I think I’m going to form a club for the internet’s best and brightest called The Control/Alt/Elite.

WHOA! A two-page spread for Ashley Dupre! And she’s clothed!

And she didn’t call the women of NYC whores. Not by a longshot. Once again, the NY Post out-sleazes even my expectations! Hope it helps sell papers, Rupert!

B’also? Here’s Ashley’s new single, Inside Out.

Not great, not terrible. I think she might have a promising career as a whore.

There’s a “Draft Rudy 9iu11ani” movement across New York State? SWEET! Where do I sign up?

Oh. It’s for him to run for governor. I thought they were trying to send him to Iraq.

Nevermind.

Charlie Gibson is leaving the World News Tonight anchor chair at the end of the year. His replacement? Mrs. Mike Nichols.

That’s right, Diane Sawyer will take over as the WNT anchor in 2010.

First Couric, now Sawyer. What next? Is Jane Pauley going to come out of retirement?

The New Bronx Chamber of Commerce asked for $50,000.

Pedro Espada earmarked $2,000,000 for two charities that he formed a week (that’s seven days) before the Senate and Assembly were supposed to distribute $170,000,000. Luckily, some other Democrats pointed out how obviously shady that was, so Espada siad he’s give $1,700,000 to the New Bronx Chamber of Commerce. Even though they only asked for $50,000.

Guess who just said “thanks… but no thanks.”

If Pedro Espada doesn’t wind up in prison, I’m-a be sad.

I just had a vision.

Ashton Kutcher is going to sleep with Rumer Willis. It will end his marriage to Demi Moore and make him the new Woody Allen.

This will happen in… August 2010.

Remember how disgusted some people were when it was suggested that Sarah Palin’s handicapped child, Trig, might have actually been her grand-child? Well, according to the think tank that knocked up her actual daughter, Bristol, Sarah Palin originally wanted to hide Bristol’s pregnancy from the world and then adopt the loinfruit as her own. From Vanity Fair:

“She told me that once Bristol had the baby, she and Todd would adopt him. That way, she said, Bristol and I wouldn’t have to worry about anything.”

Levi Johnston also claimed that Todd and Sarah have been threatening each other with divorce for years.

“I’ve never seen them sleep in the same bedroom.”

And before being tapped as McCain’s running mate, “There wasn’t much parenting in [the Palin] house. Sarah doesn’t cook, Todd doesn’t cook — the kids would do it themselves.”

And the real reason Palin stepped down as Governor of Alaska? She missed having people do everything for her and wanted to cash in on the book deals.

“She would blatantly say, ‘I want to just take this money and quit being governor.’”

Palin in 2012! PLEASE!!!

Guess who’s thinking about filling Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat. Go on, guess.

Curt Schilling. Former pitcher for the Boston Red Sox. Former stumper for George W. Bush and John McCain. Former and current douche nozzle.

Good luck with that, Curt.

You know, I never noticed how much an “r” can look like an “n” before. Huh.

Someone accused me of being racist for referring to Michelle Malkin’s crooked eyes.

One of the folks running for Prime Minister of Japan, Yukio Hatoyama, 62, has earned the nickname “The Alien” from his fellow countrymen. Why? Because his eyes are “prominent.”

I think that’s slightly more racist then what I said.

B’also? His wife, Miyuki, claims that “While my body was asleep, I think my soul rode on a triangular-shaped UFO and went to Venus.”

Oh, Japan. You so crazy.

First Jeffrey Ross and David Cross write books. Now Louis C.K.? Am I going to have to start reading non-comic books again?

(shudder)

Well, at least these are all about comics…

Is another Supreme Court Justice on his way out?

Possibly.

And to appeal to the people that will never ever ever vote for him or his party for any reason whatsoever, Obama will appoint a super-conservative anti-choice, pro-gun, global-warming-is-a-hoax mouthbreather.

More Political Race Card news.

Bill de Blasio (he’s White) is running for Public Advocate (aren’t we getting rid of that position?). He sent African-American communities a bunch of mailings that featured photos of his wife, Chirlane (she’s Black).

Black politicians accuse Bill of trying to curry favor with the Black communities by showing them his Black wife.

But was the photo really necessary? Is there a woman named Chirlane anywhere in the United States who isn’t Black?

Puke Cocks (sorry, Ralph Peters) and Michelle “I Have Crooked Eyes And Am Asian But The Two Things Are Unrelated” Malkin both serve up more disingenuous fear-mongering. For a change.

I’ve been wondering when Blockbuster would go out of business for good.

YouTube just announced that they intend to offer users of their site the option of “renting” a movie and watching it — on YouTube.

This is kind of what Netflix already does with many films (including No Sleep ‘Til Madison!).

But will people pay Google/YouTube? Time will tell.

By then, I’d imagine, Blockbuster will be just a memory.

Dunkin Donuts has been suing its franchisees in a number of bullshit lawsuits. To them, it’s easy money. To its franchisees, it could cost them their businesses.

America, run from Dunkin’.

Pfizer has agreed to a $1,200,000,000 (that’s 1.2 billion) criminal fine for their “fraudulent marketing of drugs.”

Yeah… leave healthcare the way it is.

I think the Yankees are going to lose tonight. We’re due. We’re won our last six games and Gaudin is pitching tonight. So… yeah, we might lose. But we’re still 7 1/2 games ahead of Boston. And Texas is only 2 1/2 games behind Boston (for the Wild Card).

I like the baseball.

OK. Its Thursday. The (three-day!) weekend approaches.

Be safe out there, peoples.

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