Archive for September 4th, 2009

Stop! Or I’ll Kvetch!

4th September
2009
written by jed

Today’s front page: Six rabbis, all yarmulked and brandishing pistols, are posed in a ridiculous manner. You see, some Jews are worried that there will be terrorist attacks in synagogues during Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, so Rabbi Gary Moskowitz founded the International Security Coalition of Clergy. Gary is a black belt, teaches martial arts and was an NYPD officer for nine years. Now he teaches old bearded Jews how to shoot people (and “protect their congregations”).

This training will come in handy when the bomb goes off. Oh, wait. It’ll only work if a terrorist enters and announces, “I am a terrorist and I plan to do everyone harm! You have 30 seconds to fumble through your podium, find your weapon, try to remember where the safety is, aim and shoot me! You now have 25 seconds!”

And what headline could possibly accompany this comical front page photo?

CHOSEN GUNS

Don’t mess with rabbis’ God squad!

Oy gevalt.


In other “news,” a taxicab burst into flames at around 9:30 a.m. yesterday at the corner of 53rd Street and Seventh Avenue. The Post’s headline?

IT’S HOT AS HAIL!

See what they did there?

They also have a tiny piece about the 65-year-old man who was attacked at a healthcare reform rally on Wednesday night in California. The Post claims his pinky was bitten off. Every other source of information in the galaxy says it was merely the tip of William Rice’s pinky that was removed by aggressive mastication.

So was William there because he was pro-ObamaCare or anti-ObamaCare?

Well, according to Rice (and numerous eyewitnesses), he approached the counter-protestors (the ones who don’t like that Obama guy) to ask why they were there. The “Obamacide! Get it? We combined “genocide” and “Obama” on oaktag because he wants to kill old people! Ain’t we clever?” group didn’t take kindly to being questioned and an argument ensued, ending with one of these morons biting off part of a 65-year-old man’s finger.

The Post says that doctors reattached Rice’s pinky. But news sources that check facts claim that the piece of pinky was not reattached, though Rice was treated at a hospital.

Luckily, Rice had socialized medicine (sorry, Medicare), so he didn’t go bankrupt.

The Post’s headline?

ObamaCare bites

20 retarded monkeys with 20 magnetic poetry kits couldn’t be less clever. But, you know, they have to sneak in something about their displeasure with Obama. “Pinky swears” wouldn’t do that. Neither would “Biting the hand that calmly engages you.”

By the way, on page 28, there’s a quote from Mr. Rice: “I didn’t go out to demonstrate my beliefs. I happened to be driving by and I stopped to ask people what their purpose was. I had no signs, I was not part of the demonstration.”

Thank God he didn’t ask Navin R. Johnson that question.

Diane Schuler was driving drunk and stoned when she killed all those people on the Taconic. You know this. I know this. Her autopsy (BOTH OF THEM) said as much.

But her husband continues to insist that everyone is wrong and his wife never did drugs or drank. Except in moderation once or twice a year.

So a private investigator will now do DNA tests on Diane’s toothbrush. What will this prove? Well, if it comes back positive for THC or alcohol, we’ll know that Diane needed a new toothbrush. Before she drove drunk and stoned the wrong way down the Taconic.

Killing four children, three men and one drunk and stoned woman with a husband in denial.

Why I don’t fill out those quizzes and 50 _____s things on Facebook:

All your info gets shared with people like Leon Hill. He’s 24 and Australian. And if that’s not enough, he has a company that sells companies friends.

For under $200, a company can buy 1,000 friends that fit their customer profile. 5,000 friends cost $727.

B’also? I haven’t been to 50 concerts. I can’t think of 50 books I’ve read. And I’d rather not have my faulty memory define me (any more than it already does).

Two more full pages on Ashley Dupre and the ramifications of what she said (and, more importantly, what the Post implied that she said). Fashion student Jenny Weinstein, 20, rips into Ashley: “Anyone with class wouldn’t be a prostitute, especially with a married man.” Oh, Jenny. Your stupidity is adorable. Are you implying that the woman selling her sexual favors to strangers for money should demand proof that their tricks are single? My guess is that if they were single, they wouldn’t need prostitutes (most fashion students will fuck you for a few drinks and a smile, or so I’ve heard). Jenny also said, “If guys think all women are prostitutes, then they might be more comfortable going to a prostitute, and that’s horrible. Her remarks make me feel fearful of guys’ intentions.”

That last bit reminds me of an old David Byrne quote: “Violence on television only affects children whose parents act like television personalities.” Translation? Maybe if you stop acting like a whore, men won’t assume you’re a whore, Jenny.

But musician Nahjaley Taylor, 23, thinks Ashley “is the bravest woman in New York City.” Um… how did you come to that conclusion? “All New York women are doing the same thing that she was doing, they’re just not real about it. Play or get played.” Nahjaley adds that “She didn’t do anything wrong.”

I assume she means BESIDES BEING A PROSTITUTE. But congrats to the Post. Your misleading headline has helped create women who are in full agreement with what Ashley never actually said in the first place.

Dupre herself has been Twittering about the whole re-visitation of her foibles. She recently Twatted “I am only fighting to be who I really am.”

Which, lest we forget, is a whore. You really are a whore. And if you’re no longer turning tricks then you’re a retired whore or an unemployed whore. But you’ll always always always be a whore.

I can’t wait for that album!

Is Nancy Pelosi trying to make me hate her? Because I do.

Stop defending Rangel. Make him the scapegoat he deserves to be.

Seriously, Nancy. I’m starting to agree with the wing-nuts.

Ah, Brooklyn. There’s so much to do here! Like the New York Aquarium! It’s beautiful! It’s a fantastic place for mothers and grandmothers to take their children and grandchildren and get into fistfights!

Rodine James, 32, brought her son and Rosa Melendez, 51, brought her grandson. The James boy accidentally bumped into the Melendez boy. Rosa started screaming at the James boy to watch where he was going. Rodine started yelling back. After a brief back-and-forth, James decided to take the high(er) road and walk away with her child.

But Rosa wasn’t havin’ none o’ that. She followed Rodine, continuing to berate and insult her and her child. Upon reaching the shark exhibit, Rosa struck Rodine in the face, knocking her down. Then Rosa pummeled (that’s what it says! she PUMMELED!) Rodine, shattering her sunglasses.

It’s worth noting that. during this epic battle, BOTH of the youngsters were knocked down and hurt. Psychologically, yes, but also physically.

When aquarium employees finally broke up the fight, Rosa grabbed Rodine’s camera out of her purse and smashed it on the ground.

When the po-po arrived, Rosa claimed she was the victim (despite Rodine’s profuse bleeding and mutiple injuries). But the po-po weren’t havin’ none o’ that.

I heart Brooklyn.

The headline: Gibson furious Sawyer taking over: report

The proof? He didn’t mention Diane Sawyer in his retirement announcement. And if you suffer through this awful article, you’ll see the 12th paragraph: “It’s not clear why Gibson, 66, would be so unhappy about Sawyer’s selection.”

Really? Not even a guess? SEVENTEEN paragraphs and all you can do is tell me that The Daily Beast and HuffPo call it “an obvious snub”? Should I infer that Gibson hates women? Why are these two websites (that your editorials constantly slam as being filled with partisan bullshit) act as your ONLY sources for an OPINION that you are reporting as FACT?

Sigh.

Hollywood Squares 2010 has apparently been greenlighted. Yesterday, the cast gathered in Glendale, California for their first run-through. Lisa Marie Presley, Macauley Culkin, Gladys Knight, Corey Feldman, Quincy Jones, Fat Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Barry Bonds and Elizabeth Taylor all gathered at the Forest Lawn Memorial Park…

…wait. I’m sorry. That wasn’t a run-through. It was Michael Jackson’s funeral (just 70 days after he died!). But you can understand my confusion, no?

The newest craze in China? Needle attacks! Yes, every gang loves needle attacks. 433 people (almost all of whom are Han Chinese) have been stabbed with hypodermic needles in the last few days.

Han Chinese, you may remember, piloted the Millennium Falcon.

David Findel is a supreme douche.

He just told his 80 employees that his business has been “crippled by debt” and he’s closing up shop for good.

Does Findel’s name ring a bell? No? Well, he’s the guy who paid $400,000 for two (2) Jets tickets.

Hope they were worth it, douche.

The Archdiocese of Rockville Centre, Long Island is trumpeting their support for Sister Lauren Hanley (the nun who drove drunk, almost killing some children).

Way to take a stand, people in stupid outfits!

Teresa? I’m pretty sure it’s been crossed off repeatedly, but cross Montana off the list again. A lot.

A 15-year-old in Livingston was angry at her father (he imposed a curfew, she stayed out too late, he revoked her privileges). So she made him Jell-O. That she made using lamp oil.

She tried to get him to eat it twice over three days. She is now on probation until she turns 18.

At which point she will be free to marry her brother(s) and join a militia.

Here’s some tips for incredibly stupid NYC tourists:

1) DON’T go to any McDonald’s at 3:30 a.m.

2) IF you have to, DON’T bring your luggage.

3) IF you have to bring your luggage, DON’T leave it unattended while you use their restrooms.

Sadly, one stupid tourist didn’t see this in time, went to the one on East 42nd Street and had his bags stolen.

He identified the thieves, who were later arrested, but remains stupid.

This sounds like a job for Jessica Fletcher!

A 3-year-old boy was in a car with his 67-year-old paternal grandfather when their SUV was hit by another car. The child survived, his grandfather didn’t.

Fourteen hours later, the boy’s maternal grandfather died in a car crash 12 miles away.

Teresa, cross Jonestown, Pennsylvania off the list, too. Unless we drive there in a tank.

Rich Lowry and Bill O’Reilly both wish Obama would follow W.’s example.

I wish they would both follow Socrates’ example.

Want to look at a craggy old dinosaur?

Then tune in to Fox Business Network on October 5th at 6:00 a.m.! That’s when Don Imus returns to TV!

Congratulations, you nappy-headed putz!

My friend, Daniel Sauli, is starring in an independent film that’s out today. It’s called Tickling Leo. The story doesn’t excite me, but Daniel has always been a truly amazing actor. If I can find the time, I’ll see this in the theaters. And so should you (even though The Post gave it one star).

But one star is one more star than All About Steve got. Kyle Smith called it “grotesquely unfunny.” Please don’t make this the #1 movie, America.

Fireworks tonight over (what’s left of) the Coney Island boardwalk. Maybe I’ll treat my wife to a Nathan’s dinner…

How many baseball teams have an average of over .600?

How many teams have had seven players on their team hit 20 or more home runs in a single season?

The answer to the first question is the Yankees (.642!) and the answer to the second question is… (makes Rodney Dangerfield face)… four?

The 1996 Orioles did it. The 2000 Blue Jays did it. And so did the 2005 Rangers. And with Jorge Posada’s dinger last night, so have the 2009 Yankees. Thank you, Jorge.

And thanks to the other six Yanks: Damon, Teixeira, Matsui, Cano, Rodriguez and Swisher.

Wait… where’s Derek? Oooooh… he only has 17 so far. Of course, if he hits just 3 more homers in the next however-many-are-left games, the 2009 Yankees will be the first team in history to have eight players with 20 or more home runs. Which will probably fill Melky with shame.

NBC is remaking Prime Suspect.

As a weekly one-hour drama “that wraps up each case by the end of the hour.”

Boo, NBC. Boo.

Lastly, I have a video for you to watch. Not all of you. Just those of you that:

a) have a strong stomach

b) enjoy laughing at Insane Clown Posse fans (aka Juggalos)

c) are prepared to see a dead baby decked out in Juggalo gear

Thanks to the nice members of Dog Court for alerting me to this mildly amusing trainwreck.

See y’all later!

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