Archive for September 5th, 2009

My blog gets results.*

5th September
2009
written by jed

* Blog may not actually get results.

My blog gets results.

Exhibit A:

House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) has decided to follow my lead and is calling for Charlie “Wheezy” Rangel to step down as chairman of the Ways and Means Committee “until an ethics investigation is complete.”

Surely he wouldn’t have done such a thing without my encouragement (we’re tight — he calls me “Jew” and I call him “Boner”).

According to the MTA, over 9,000 trains were late in 2008 because of people blocking the doors as they close.

They didn’t address why the other 7,498,218 trains were late, but they seemed certain that the answer was reducing the number of station agents and increasing the fares.

My blog gets results.

Exhibit B:

Assemblyman Mark Schroeder (D-Buffalo) has decided to follow my lead and is calling for Pedro Espada to step down as Senate Majority Leader because “he’s a thug.” Schroeder added that he was offended by the idea that Espada could be considered a leader by anyone.

Surely he wouldn’t have done such a thing without my encouragement (we’re tight — he calls me “The Warmer New Yorker” and I call him “Piano Man”).

My blog gets results.

Exhibit C:

Prosecutors in (on?) Long Island have decided to follow my lead and are considering adding charges against Sister Lauren Hanley. Despite the Rockville Catholic Diocese’s desire for this almost-multiple-murderer to get off with a warning, the DA’s office believes that driving onto a lawn where children are playing (combined with the striking of other cars and a tree, not to mention the half-bottle of gin she inhaled) should raise the one-year maximum penalty (for misdemeanor DWI) to something that, I dunno, discourages the sexually repressed from getting drunk and driving into children.

Surely they wouldn’t have done such a thing without my encouragement (we’re tight — they call me “Bloggy McGee” and I call them “Horace Pinker” [it's an inside joke]).

The Nevada Supreme Court (surely that’s a contradiction in terms, no?) denied the request of one Orenthal James “Double Homicide” Simpson. Seems O.J. wanted to be released from prison while he appealed his recent conviction. Seems he was told to shut up and go back to his rape cage.

But… who’s going to find Nicole’s killers if O.J.’s stuck in prison?

A serial forger was apprehended that to the quick thinking of… oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.

A volunteer watchdog group of Orthodox Jews, who call themselves the Shomrim Patrol, let a check-cashing establishment’s employee join them in their patrol car to search for the man who tried to cash a phony check on Avenue J in Midwood.

What is with the upsurge of Vig-Jew-lantes in NYC?

And to all the criminals in Midwood: commit crimes when the Shomrim aren’t allowed to use their patrol car, cell phones, public transportation… I think it’s Sunday (but dont hold me to that).

The other night, Kid Rock performed at the Institute for Music & Neurologic Function at Terminal 5.

I’m betting he was there to represent “music.”

Q: Where did Kelsey Grammer’s current wife get her start?

A: She was the “principal dancer” on Club MTV.

Which means that her husband is only about 60 years older than she is.

The first run-through of Match Game 2010 took place at the Hollywood Palladium on Thursday night. Lindsay Lohan, Robert Downey Jr., Nicole Richie, John Mayer, Jon Favreau, Tom Arnold, Sugar Ray’s Mark McGrath and Dr. Drew Pinsky all…

…I’m sorry. That wasn’t Match Game 2010. That was DJ AM’s memorial service. But you can understand my confusion, right?

Velma Gladys Brewster, 51, of San Antonio, Texas wanted to visit her grandchildren at their elementary school.

Velma’s daughter did not give her permission (it is unclear whether Velma asked for it and was refused, if Velma’s daughter was supposed to tell the school but didn’t, or if Velma didn’t know to ask for it in the first place), so Velma did what any true Texan would do.

She called in a bomb threat.

Presumably while firing pistols in the air and adjusting her comically-oversized belt buckle.

The Earth Liberation Front knocked down two radio-station towers just north of Seattle.

The claim that they were fighting the additional sports-news radio-station towers’ negative effect on the neighboring real estate’s value. And also the harmful effects of radio waves. And also it was another time-consuming excuse to not bathe.

Portland, Oregon’s mayor, Sam Adams (who had sex with an underage boy, right?) has reportedly started a “food fight” with New York City, claiming that his city has better food carts.

The inter-city “beef” will air on Today at some point in the future. Will Adams “eat” his words or will Bloomberg “food pun” his “food pun” in his teen-fondling “food pun”?

The astonishingly overhyped Shake Shack is so pleased with their recent expansion at Shea Stadium that they’re going to open up to seven additional branches.

But you won’t get to frequent them unless you’re in Dubai and Saudi Arabia.

Refresh my memory — the 9/11 terrorists were from Saudi Arabia, right?

Good luck with those franchises, SS!

Follow-up to yesterday’s piece on the aquarium throwdown:

Rodine had to get a tetanus shot at the hospital because Rosa bit her fingers so hard that her teeth went through Rodine’s fingernails.

Because Rodine’s child accidentally bumped into Rosa’s grandchild.

I heart Brooklyn.

Do I have inside information about the Marvel/Disney merger? Nah.

But I do know that if Marvel decides to walk away from the proposed merger, they’ll owe Disney $140,000,000.

The Cayman Islands are going broke. They may need to start poaching all of the illegal money our billionaires have been stashing there for decades.

Accompanying the article is a photo of a modestly-sized 5-story building there called Ugland House. It is the mailing address of 12,000 companies that are trying to evade taxes. That’s 2,400 companies per floor!

I hope every one of those companies lose their guyaberas.

Toys R Us just bought KB Toys.

Soon, Toys R Us will be Monopoly.

I mean a monopoly.

Rachael Shapiro has a sidebar about the video rental stores around the city. She laments that with more people using Netflix and the internet to get movies, the whole experience of chatting face-to-face with a clerk for an educated recommendation is disappearing.

And I do agree that the whole vibe of the neighborhood video store will be missed, but so will the vibe of the comic book store. And the record store. And the independent book store. All of the nerds that populated those places are now at home doing everything electronically (and anonymously).

Welcome to the future.

Yanks won when I said they’d lose, then lost, and won again today. That puts us…. 8 1/2 games ahead of Boston (who gave up 20 hits to the White Sox yesterday).

And Texas is nipping at their arses.

I never knew that Yankees pitchers Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich swapped families.

But apparently, they did in the early 1970s.

Each couple had two kids; the women and children stayed put while the men traded homes and lives.

One couple stayed together, one got divorced.

And four children grew up flinching whenever a baseball game aired on TV.

Have a lovely remaining 50 minutes of Saturday — see you tomorrow morning!

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