Archive for September 6th, 2009

I forgot that we were meeting my folks for breakfast. We got to the Clinton Street Baking Company at a little before 11:00. We were told it would be a little over 2 hours before they could seat us. My father speaks highly of the place, but come on. Even Good Enough to Eat would seat you within the hour (9 times out of 10).

So we trekked to the Great Jones Cafe, where I had never been. Good lord, that’s a great brunch. The cornbread was not that great, but everything else was cooked to perfection. Next time I’ll smuggle in some shredded cheddar to make the grits perfect, but if you’re ever in the neighborhood (ideally at 11:30, when they open) and want some andouille sausage (if you know what I mean), stop by.

Then we went up to Westchester. Got some lights for our bikes, went through some stuff in the basement, had our hearts broken by the Yankees and finished at our favorite Chinese restaurant. Why can’t there be a really good Chinese restaurant in Brooklyn? Sigh. I can still taste the pork shoulder (or I’m having a stroke).

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Since the Post can’t use New York’s actual nickname for the Mets’ current home (which, ironically, has been repeatedly called a better stadium than the Yanks’ new one), they went with PITY FIELD with the sub-heading Moldy Mets stadium already falling apart along with an inserted paragraph that informs us that Jerry Seinfeld’s luxury box already has a leak.

I believe I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. I love the Yankees and the Cubs and the Mets — in that order. Ina Subway Series, I will root against the Mets, but any other day I wish them the best. I take no delight in their misfortunes (there but for the grace of Cashman go I). But if I were a die-hard Mets fan, I would think God hated me and was punishing me for something. Everyone is injured and their line-up (and brand new stadium) is falling apart.

Some selected highlights from CitiField’s inaugural season:

* A section in the outfield (“Mo’s Zone”) was flooded during a rainstorm three months ago. Why? Clogged drains. Why were the drins clogged? Because 20 feet of pipe collapsed in the bullpen.

* A 4′-by-6′ illuminated sign fell into the field-level prominade (luckily there wasn’t a game there that day).

* The electricity in the kitchen above the ticket booths near the rotunda keeps shorting out. During one outage, the refrigerators failed and leaked water into the ticket booths.

* The maintenance crew’s locker rooms have air conditioning and heating systems… that haven’t ever worked.

* The team’s laundry room was built with only one electrical outlet, so all of the washing machines and dryers are plugged into a power strip.

I am seriously considering buying some Mets tickets and attending games on the off-chance that I might get hit by stadium debris (cha-ching!).

Meanwhile, in Yankeeland, Jeter want 3-for-3 today and will most likely pass Lou Gehrig at some point tomorrow (assuming he starts in both games).

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Robert Schwartz is running for the Queens borough presidency. He cuts his moustache just like Hitler. You dont see much meta-irony in politics. It may even help him, which would be great because he’ll need all the help he can get.

He is currently suing Elmhurst Dairy. Apparently, he thought it would be a great idea to put a giant campaign sticker on millions of gallons of milk. And as fate would have it, there is actually a company called Milk Jug Media that helps people do just that (he’s suing them, too). They took $70,000 from the Jew with the Hitler mustache and agreed to get his cartoonishly over-sized propaganda on 25,000,000 gallons of moo juice.

But after just one day of Operation This Has To Be A Joke, Right, Honey? I Mean, Why Would A Guy Named Schwartz Have That Mustache? Oh, And Please Pass The Sugar, people complained to Elmhurst. Elmhurst recalled the containers and, according to Himmlerberg (I wanted to call him Goldhimmler, because every time I say it in my mind, I hear the blaring horns that followed each mention of Goldfinger in that movie’s theme song and it makes me chuckle, but Himmlerberg seemed a more easily understood combination of the name of a hated Nazi and a common Jewish surname), they destroyed 9,000 gallons of milk rather than make good on their promise.

Elmhurst offered to repay his $15,000 down payment, but Schwartz refused. Instead, he’s suing both companies for $5,000,000 AND he’s asking a judge to make them reinstate his ads as promised earlier.

I’m no law-talkin’ guy, but I’m pretty sure that, if the company makes good on their promise — even if it’s because a udge forced them to — you can’t get $5,000,000 because they didn’t make good on their promise earlier. And you might could be providing everyone running against something else to laugh at you for (besides your unfortunate lip upholstery).

Vote Schwartz — He’ll Start Frivolous Lawsuits On Your Dime!

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A drunk driver hit the lawn berm in front of a two-story house in East Moriches, Long Island and his car flew into the front door… and the second floor.

Ouch.

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The average price of a home in Detroit is now $11, 596.

We pay twice that in rent each year, but on the plus side we don’t live in Detroit.

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Francis Lewis High School in Queens is designed to accommodate 2,572 students. Guess how many students are enrolled there this year. Go on, guess.

4,700.

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Across the United States, traffic accident deaths are on the decline.

Not so fast, NYC.

Last year, someone was killed on the road every 30 hours.The four most dangerous intersections (for drivers) are responsible for 156 deaths last year. And all four are in Brooklyn (Atlantic and Eastern Parkway – 43 accidents; Tillary and Adams – 39; Linden and Pennsylvania – 38; Bushwick and E. New York – 36). Brooklyn is also home to the second and fourth most dangerous intersections for pedestrians (Flatbush and Church – 13 accidents; 4th Avenue and 86th – 10). But the five most dangerous intersections for cyclists are all in Manhattan.

Hooray, Brooklyn!

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On Page 10, there’s a small article about how Van Jones, one of Obama’s environmental advisers, resigned early this morning. Jones had been “linked to derogatory comments about Republicans and efforts to suggest that the government had a role in the 9/11 terrorist attacks” and lots of people [who can somehow keep straight faces while demanding his resignation but not the resignations of the Republicans who have repeatedly implied that Obama is a Muslim and not a true American and that yes, this new healthcare bill will actually force the elderly to die because of the "end-of-life counseling" which was originally introduced BY REPUBLICANS] raised a stink. So Jones resigned this morning.

Remember this when I get to page 40.

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Jeremy Sisto named his daughter Charlie Ballerina. He and Jason Lee should have lunch.

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In never-before-heard-until-now interviews, John Lennon “admitted he and [Paul] McCartney would give the ‘lousy’ songs to George Harrison and Ringo Starr to sing.”

I tried to get a comment from McCartney, but he was too busy spending time with the latest detestable woman he’s dating.

Ringo Starr asked me if he could have my leftover Chinese food.

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Guess which celebrity charity is considered the worst of them all. Go on, guess.

According to Charity Navigator, the #92 (of 92) celebrity charity is… The Leary Firefighters Foundation! Take a bow, Denis! Not only did you get a career by filching Bill Hicks’ act, but now the whole world knows that the firemen you claim to love so much — the ones you and your buddies portray in your firemen-fetish dramedy Rescue Me, the ones you promised a brand new fire truck to and then let it sit in the dealership for the better part of a year (and dodging calls for payment) until the Boston Fire Commissioner convinced your charity to pay for it — are so important to you that your charity ended last year in a $55,000 deficit. How many episodes of your show does it take for you to make that money, Denis? Half of one? Half of a half of a half of one?

Also listed as charities that are more farce than force of good: The Apollo Theater Foundation, the Fresh Air Fund and (oh, Gordon, how could you?) Sting’s Rainforest Foundation.

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The Naked Cowboy (who doesn’t even live in New York!) has announced that he is withdrawing his candidacy from the upcoming mayoral election.

“You have to write down every nickel you spend and learn all the rules,” said the man who is known for standing in the middle of Times Square in his boots and underpants while noodling on his guitar. “I thought the whole thing would be much simpler. It’s so tedious that it’s really hard to do.”

But, according to the Post, he isn’t ruling out another political run in the future.

Please stop giving this idiot moneys.

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A number of married Christians are opening joint e-mail accounts.

You know, to fight the temptation they all have to lie to their spouses and cheat behind their backs.

Christians are adorable with how sacred their marriages are to them.

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And here we are at page 40.

Great editorial on why President Obama should, nay, MUST “deep-six Van Jones.”

Who, earlier this morning, resigned. As noted 30 pages ago.

This editorial bumped the Robert Kennedy obituary they originally planned on running.

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What’s Charlie Rangel up to these days? More importantly, what’s the House Ethics Committee up to?

Well, Raspy Rangel has been donating moneys from his own re-election coffers to 119 fellow politicians.

And 3 of those 119 lucky ducks make up 3 of the 5 Democrats on the House Ethics Committee.

Does this infuriate anyone else? I mean, I have a fucking degree in theater and even I know that it doesn’t make sense for members of an alleged “Ethics Committee” to be accepting donations from someone they’re investigating.

Incidentally, how’s that investigation going? Has it started yet? Oh, it has? Well, when did it start? Last week? Two weeks ago?

A year. The House Ethics Committee has been “investigating” Mr. Rangel’s finances for an entire year.

And Nancy Pelosi continues to stand by this piece of shit. Well, Nance, when you lie down with dogs, you get fleas and hopefully rabies.

Mr. Obama, sir? This seems like a really great chance for you to shine a light on how pathetic and farcical this year-long investigation has been. Shake up the stagnant way things are. Insist that this asshole face the justice he has been laughing at for decades.

Pretty please?

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Hey, Hakeem Nicks, rookie wide receiver for the NY Giants! What’s your favorite movie?

“Hitman.”

Uh… really? Huh. Well… who’s your favorite actor?

“Martin Lawrence.”

…hey! You know what? I left my other note pad in my car. Let me… I’m going to go get my other note pad and then I’ll come back in here and we’ll continue. OK? Uh… yeah. I’ll just… yeah.

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Is Brett Gardner ready to return? Will he be in one of the lineups tomorrow?

More than likely! Yayz!

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B’also? In my old IRC journal, I once discussed how I believe the U.S. purposefully spells their enemies’ names 10 different ways in order to frustrate them.

The front page of today’s Jerusalem Post (I still don’t understand why I get this in my Sunday New York Post now, but OK) features a hefty piece on how “Muammar Gaddafi” must have personally approved the Lockerbie terrorist attack (according to the senior FBI agent in the case).

And I would like to add that Abdel Baset al-Megrahi looks like Jeffrey Tambor.

Happy Labor Day in 2 hours!