Archive for September 7th, 2009

WIZZONER

7th September
2009
written by jed

I want to believe that when this headline was chosen, no one at this horrible newspaper noticed that the combination of “Wizard” and “Hizzoner” doubles as an order to befoul a lady. But I just can’t.

The accompanying story explains that during a March 4th press conference this year, Mayor Bloomberg recommended that people buy stock in GE, Saks Fifth Avenue and Macy’s. Those that listened saw a 133% return on their investment.

Bloomberg is getting re-elected.

Shawne Merriman, 25, was accused by Tila Tequila, 27 and riddled with diseases, of attacking her when she tried to leave his home early yesterday. Merriman’s attorney claims that Tequila was intoxicated (tee-hee) and that Merriman was merely trying to stop her from driving drunk.

Regardless of the outcome of this scuffle, both of these people need to be welded into HAZMAT suits and buried in a tunnel where they can fight albino alligators.

The MTA isn’t paying some of their employees’ doctor bills, so now some of their doctors are refusing to see them.

They’re also paying their MTA police force many millions in overtime (despite their numbers and hours decreasing).

They’re also being sued by Lockheed Martin. They were ordered to return 10 Lockheed Martin-owned laptops that they were using to help create the anti-terror surveillance system that no one ever got around to finishing or making functional more than a handful of the hundreds installed. The MTA did return the computers, but LM claims that the MTA deleted thousands of LM’s files before doing so.

Why is little to nothing being done about this stuff? Can we shine some light on the MTA, too, Mr. President?

The Final Destination Until The Next One remained in the #1 spot, which means that the #2 movie in America is…

You bastards. If you had just spent $2,300,000 more on Gamer…

I guess I’m seeing All About Steve this week.

On Meet the Press yesterday, Rudy 9iu11ani said he’s “still thinking” about running for governor of New York.

Please stop.

Michael Jackson “married” “Debbie Rowe” on November 15th, 1996 in Sydney, Australia. Later that day, in “honor” of his “marriage,” he threw his Swarovski crystal-studded glove into the surrounding crowd of fans.

That same glove was auctioned off yesterday, fetching 57,600 Australian dollars ($48,400 in American currency) from the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas.

Even though it still smells like Corey Feldman.

Three guys were chillin’ at Giant Bagels on University Place in Greenwich Village, waiting to use the bathroom.

But it was occupied by Zaaven Castelan, 23.

So they waited until he was finished and, once Zaaven emerged from the lavatory, they pummeled him.

Osman Jalloh, 19, Mohamed Sow, 21, and Amadou Diallo, 21.

Either that last assailant was having a laugh during his booking, or he REALLY needs to straighten up and fly right (guys with his name don’t historically do so well when dealing with the NYPD).

There’s a new walking tour of Barack Obama’s old stomping groups (from his Columbia days).

For just $25, you can visit Tom’s Restaurant (see if you can spot the Seinfeld Walking Tour groups!), the alley Barack slept in one night when he was locked out of his apartment, a bookstore that’s no longer there, a bar that’s no longer there, and a ride on a subway train (woo-hoo!) to Harlem, where Obama works as a community organizer.

Reservations are expected.

Meghan Clyne has a wonderful op-ed wherein she explains that Obama’s healthcare plan will force people to abort their disabled fetuses.

Kudos to Meghan, Rupert, everyone involved in allowing this kind of fear-mongering to see print. Take a bow, folks!

There’s a Monty Python reunion at the Ziegfeld Theater on October 15th?!? And I’m finding out about it NOW?

Sigh.

Leon Roach, 19, died during pole vaulting practice at the University of California, San Diego’s La Jolla campus. He missed the landing pad and landed headfirst on concrete. He was pronounced brain-dead at the hospital.

His friends all immediately felt regret for their constant mockery of the sport that claimed his life, but later had to hastily exit the funeral when one of their eulogies began “Leon sure did love vaulting poles” and no one could stop giggling.

MTV continues to reinvent itself.

And by “reinvent” I mean “slather itself in contemptible reality programming that has absolutely nothing to do with music.”

Their show “16 & Pregnant” has been on the air for less than three months, but it’s so popular (pregnant teens are super-cool!) that it’s getting a spin-off! “Teen Mom” will follow 4 of the ladies (despite the singular title) featured in “16 & Pregnant” as they “raise” their children.

How long before one of these young mothers winds up in a suitcase, MTV?

Now I gotta write some stuff for a certain special magazine about toys.

But I had the loveliest day with my lovely wife as we bicycled lovely-like through the park.

She’s pretty great.

And so are you! See you tomorrow!

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