Archive for September 9th, 2009

Let’s Hope It’s Nothing Trivial.

9th September
2009
written by jed

Pierre’s had no copies of the Post. Neither did the next two places I checked.

“No Post?” I asked. “Whole street! No Post, no Wall Street Journal. No deliver come.”

I gathered that he meant that Rupert Murdoch’s papers had never arrived this morning and that I should not start a career in the messengering of sperms.

SO I hopped on the choof-choof and went to Smith and 9th. They didn’t get the papers, either. So I went to West 4th Street. No papers.

I was about to return home with thoughts racing through my head (“Do I read the online version?” “Should I buy a Daily News?” “Did Fox go out of business?”) when I decided that surely there would be copies of the Post in Times Square.

Lo and behold, there were. And they were mad bulky, yo.

Not only am I being treated to a 44-page “fashion extravaganza” in today’s paper, b’also there’s a 70-page (give or take) “Little Book of Big Values” from the good folks at Corcoran Group Real Estate.

That’s over 100 pages that I’m throwing away!

But that’s why I am starting this at 10:00 a.m. and will once again miss the early movie (tomorrow fo’ sho’).

I can only hope that Brooklyn’s lack of Murdoch’s papers is a brief hiccup and not the beginning of the end.

The six building inspectors who were outed yesterday have all resigned. Mayor Bloomberg is insisting that hundreds of sites be re-inspected. “We keep working at it and working at it, and hopefully, someday, we’ll get rid of everybody in the construction industry that breaks the law.”

Hopefully that will also be the day that no one needs anything constructed.

Is Metro-North adding Penn Station to its routes? Maybe!

Oh boy! An article on the cast of Sex and the City! Its been months since I’ve seen one of these!

Apparently, Sarah Jessica Parker Ed has children! And Kristin Davis has been appearing in “family films” and also Cynthia Nixon is gay! And as for Grandma Cattrall, “she’s dating a chef 22 younger.” Twenty-two what? Lifetimes? Dog years? That’s some great writing, Kirsten Fleming!

Cruel Irony #6,980,225

Annie Leibovitz, who makes celebrities look their best, look like this.

Photobucket

A professor at Brandeis wrote a book called “The Cartoons That Shook The World” which discusses the outrage caused by the Danish publication of Mohammed cartoons.

But Yale is worried that the book will cause outrage if they reprint those cartoons. So when the book is published next week, you be able to read about the cartoons, but you won’t be able to see the cartoons.

B’cock, Yale. Bok-bok-bok-b’cock.

The Post has some “DO’S and DON’TS” [sic] for Obama to consider for his healthcare speech today (I think the speech is finished already, but whatever). Among the five DO’S is my personal favorite:

* Tell Democrats it’s time to accept defeat and finally pull the plug on the “public option.”

And my favorite DON’T:

* Blame the media, Republicans and the political fringe for distorting what’s in the plan.

Sometimes I read the Post and I think I’m reading The Onion. And vice versa.

Speaking of “accepting defeat” when do the Republicans get around to doing that?

Poor NASA.

Their annual budget is $18,000,000,000. But it would take another $3,000,000,000 to put a man (back) on the moon. So they are no longer planning a (return) trip to the moon.

Could we re-allocate that EIGHTEEN BILLION DOLLARS A YEAR towards, um, rebuilding New Orleans or, say, a public option?

In 1974, just under 253,000 people enrolled in one of the City University of New York’s 23 campuses. This year, 259,000 people have enrolled.

Today, tuition is $4,600 a year. In 1974, it was FREE.

Charlie Sheen has written an open letter to President Obama demanding a new investigation into the 9/11 attacks. He maintains that the Bush Administration and the CIA orchestrated the attacks so they could invade Iraq.

Between this and the hookers, HOW DOES THIS BARELY TALENTED ACTOR GET ON (AND STAY ON) THE #1 SITCOM IN THE U.S.?

I’d think that the people who like Two and a Half Men would get mad at the implication that Bush and Cheney killed Americans unnecessarily (even though, you know, they did).

BET.com’s executive editor has quit. He Twatted: “The shackles of Amistad have been broken.”

BET had no comment, as no one there knew what Amistad was (though they looked forward to his next single).

I knew that Laura Krafft was moving to L.A. to be head writer for Wanda Sykes’ new show. But it surprised me to see it in Page Six (on page 13 today). Congrats, Laura (and Wanda)!

Eve (the rapper, not the biblical figure) asked her waiter if she could order room service (she was in the Blush Boutique Nightclub at the Wynn in Las Vegas). The waiter checks and told her she could. So she asked for “something vegetarian like grilled cheese or chicken fingers.”

Cocaine is a Helluva drug.

In less than 2 weeks, 86 subway stations will lose 282 “customer assistants.”

Fares are up, riders are less safe.

I have a bike.

BOOM.

Maybe I was too hard on David Findel.

Maybe his spending $400,000 on 2 seats in the Jets’ new stadium had nothing to do with his building collapsing.

Maybe there’s a different reason he hasn’t paid his employees what he owes them.

Ah, here we are. He has been charged with orchestrating an $11,000,000 mortgage fraud. Seems he sold the same mortgage to several different banks.

David Findel is a phenomenal douchebag. Enjoy prison.

Two Wal-Mart employees in eastern China beat a female customer to death.

They suspected her of shoplifting.

PICK-THE-PUNCHLINE:

1) An hour later, they felt like beating another customer to death.

2) They later sent a bill to the woman’s family (they are owed a 15% restocking fee).

3) Ironically, had they let her go the lead in the toy she stole would have killed her in a week anyway.

The Antigua Six go to trial today. They face up to 2 years in prison.

Strength, my Brooklyn brothers and sisters.

Copyright infringement news!

1) A judge ruled that when Arye Sachs drove his car into Manhattan last year (with a fake missile on the roof with “Viva Viagara” written on it), he infringed on Pfizer’s trademark. Pfizer is entitled to damages. Terrific.

2) Sprinkles Cupcakes of Beverly Hills, California is suing Philadelphia’s Sprinkles Yogurt for infringement. Either the cupcakes are too runny or the yogurt is too thick. Otherwise, it’d be hard to confuse the two (and, to be fair, both treats are better with sprinkles).

3) Luxo is suing Pixar. For some reason, Pixar decided to offer a Limited Edition Luxo Jr. Collectible Lamp Pack for the DVD release of Up. It’s $199.99 and comes with a lamp shaped like the one in the Pixar logo (which was inspired by John Lasseter’s Luxo lamp). Luxo is demanding all of the knock-off lamps be destroyed. Would this have happened if Disney hadn’t bought Pixar?

Newt Gingrich on yesterday’s indoctrina… sorry, speech which Obama delivered to all of the school-children of America (whose parents aren’t incredibly stupid): “I would love to have every child in America read it.”

Laura Bush also approved of the speech.

Your move, crazies.

South Carolina’s ridiculous governor, Mark Sanford, has a new book! “Within Our Means” promises to explain “how the GOP went astray” and detail Sanford’s “conservative values.”

When do you remove this asshole from office, South Carolina? Or are you OK with this adulterous and condescending prick representing you?

Cindy Adams predicts that A-Rod will cheat on Kate Hudson.

Well, DUH.

She also reveals that Michael Jackson did, in fact, bleach himself.

Well, DUH.

Don Bandleman, 69, didn’t agree with State District Judge Jack Robinson’s decision to grant temporary custody of his granddughter to his son’s ex-wife. So he followed the judge into the men’s room and called him “a fool.”

The judge then sentenced Bandelman to 30 days in jail (what’d he use as a gavel?), but when a state appeals court looked into the ruling, Bandelman was released (he’d served just 2 days).

And where did this happen? Why, Texas, of course!

Elio Valenti of Brooklyn writes in, begging the Post, “Don’t compare Obama with Bush. Bush is pro-America.”

Well… now he is (Cheney removed his arm from his asshole).

Two editorials about how awful Van Jones is.

WAS, folks. WAS.

Move on, dot org.

The Hobbit has cleared the hurdles of litigation and is ready to begin pre-production.

Thank God. Eleven hours of elves wasn’t enough for me!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

The Stella D’Oro factory that I spent my childhood inhaling is moving. To Ohio.

You can’t go home again.

Well, you can, but it won’t smell like cookies anymore.

Ben Roethlisberger’s lawyer just turned down a settlement offer. Ben is being sued/accused of raping a casino hostess. The hostess said she’d drop her civil lawsuit if Ben would just admit he raped her and apologize.

Will Ben regret not apologizing (even if he’s innocent) and letting it all disappear? Or will this woman regret ever opening this can of worms?

Whatever happens, I can only hope that the woman never raps about damage to her ass.

The Yankees beat the Devil Rays (again), putting Tampa Bay 8 1/2 games behind Boston in the Wild Card race. Texas is only 2 games behind Boston. And we are 9 games ahead of Boston in the AL East.

To clinch a spot in the playoffs, the magic number is 13.

To clinch the AL East, the magic number is 15.

The only thing that’s blemishing all this good news? Jeter went for 0-for-4 again last night. That’s 0-for-12 in his last 3 games.

Sigh. At least the second of Swisher’s 2 home runs last night made everyone happy (it was a walk-off in the 9th).

Now get some hits, Captain Clutch. Quit A-Rodding my sports page.

Despite yesterday’s paper assuring me that Curb Your Enthusiasm would premiere last night, it won’t until September 20th.

The Post stinks.

Have a lovely day, kids!

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