Archive for September 11th, 2009

The Gummi Bears Theme Song in 4 Foreign Languages:

I think my new favorite expletive is Goompybjarn.

First, a follow-up of sorts.

One of the hilarious improvisors I coach informed me last night that Mark Whicker (who the internet had been calling Mike for a few days for some reason) wrote another column just like the one he wrote for Jaycee Dugard. Eighteen (18) years ago, he thought he’d help Terry Anderson (released from a Lebanese dungeon after 7 [seven] years) catch up on sports.

http://www.poynter.org/column.asp?id=101&aid=169823

Hey, Orange County Register? You keep forgetting to fire this tool. Please make a note of it.

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What do you give for an 8th anniversary? Rubble? Red tape? Lip service?

Yes, it’s September 11th, 2009 and the World Trade Center is still a gaping hole in the ground.

Unacceptable.

(and yet, everyone seems to accept it)

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BRIDE VANISHES

Did Annie Marie Le disappear because she doesn’t want to marry John Widawsky (their wedding is supposed to happen this Sunday) and just needed to be alone and think things through? Or was foul play involved? Le left behind her purse, cellphone, credit cards, cash…

Yale (where she was a grad student) has footage of her entering the lab where she worked, but not exiting. If Le is dead, whether by accident or through foul play, then this is a horrible tragedy and my heart goes out to both families.

But if she turns up in Mexico like that other runaway bride, then I’m going to make fun of Annie Marie Le (French for “Annie Marie The”) forever and ever

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“Democrats abandoned plans to pass a sweeping ethics overhaul in a special Senate session last night after Republicans successfully blocked a related proposal to toughen campaign-finance law. The failed bill would have created an independent board to investigate ethics violations.

Why do Republicans hate ethics so much? And how is it legal for a party headed by Pedro Espada to push for ethics reform?

Your tax dollars at rest.

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Poor Melanie Oudin.

She came out of nowhere (aka Georgia) to take the US Open by storm (until she lost in the quarterfinals), but we’ve just learned that her father accused her mother of having an affair with her tennis coach (who has been her coach since she was 7) during their divorce trial.

Now that’s a foot fault!

(I’ve spent ten minutes trying to find a good tennis joke to end on — that was the funniest. I apologize.)

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The 18-year-old South African who won the women’s world title in the 800-meter run was accused of being a man. She insisted she was a woman. Many many tests were run.

The results are in.

Caster Semenya has a vagina.

B’also? Caster has “internal male testes.”

That’s right, folks. Caster’s a hermaphrodite. With testes in her pelvis and semen in her last name.

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Senator Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina) has a girl’s name. B’also, he told Fox “News” his reaction to Obama’s recent speech: “I want to find a bipartisan solution, and I felt the speech was combative.”

Are you referring to the other South Carolina representative who shouted “You lie!” at Obama, regarding something that Obama wasn’t lying about? Or are you just being contrary for the sake of being a contrarian?

Either way, shut up.

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Incidentally, here are some fun facts about Joe Wilson’s outburst:

* It violated congressional protocol!

* Wilson didn’t apologize because he regretted what he did; he apologized because the GOP made him!

* Wilson’s Democratic opponent in 2010 has raised $500,000 in the last few days simply by not being Joe Wilson!

* Even John “Anybody Seen My Dignity?” McCain has denounced Wilson’s actions!

* I find it odd that in every photo of Wilson screaming at the president, the two Republicans sitting next to him seem a little too non-plussed. Makes me think Wilson told them he was going to do it. Which makes me think his “spontaneous gesture” wasn’t. Which makes Wilson even more of a tool!

BONUS: Here’s Mr. Wilson in 2002. He’s been an asshole for years!

Someone should re-cut this so that he’s yelling at himself for calling Obama a liar.

“That’s not true and you know it’s not true!”

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You can go to NYU for $52,000 a year (give or take), but that doesn’t include paper.

They’re now charging students $0.10 for each page they print out in their computer labs (beyond their first 500 pages). Students are livid.

NYU spokesman John Beckman quipped, “These are ‘paper cuts’ that actually shouldn’t sting that bad.”

See what he did there? I’m sure students will calm down once they hear that great play on words.

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Gigantic ad for the Post’s EXCLUSIVE in Sunday’s paper: Ashley’s Back!

“The governor’s girl as you’ve never seen her.”

What, is she reading a book? Because I’ve never seen her do that. But the accompanying photo of her in a bikini… I’ve seen way more of that than necessary.

Congratulations, whore.

You too, Ashley.

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More drawings of what the WTC Memorial will look like (if anyone ever gets around to building it).

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Did keyboards/typewriters used to have a cent symbol? I vaguely remember being able to use one when writing.

I am remarkably old.

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Swine flu!

There’s a strain that’s now resistent to Tamiflu!

Apocalypto!!!

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“I do not think he should step aside.”

That’s Pelosi on Rangel.

The Hell with both uh yez.

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Are Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler an item? Or are the producers of The Bounty insisting that the go out together so that shitty publications like this will keep publishing photos and sightings, keeping the movie’s title in people’s minds?

Either way, I don’t care.

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According to Page Six (today on page 32), the Tila Tequila/Shawne Merriman tussle may have gone down like this:

Tila and Shawne share a house. Tila came home and found Shawne in bed with 2 ladies. He invited Tila to join in. Tila announced that she would go fuck one of Shawne’s friends and stormed off. Shawne caught up and choked her.

Will the truth ever ooze out? Stay tuned!

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Oh, Latrata Bethal. You’re adorable.

Ms. Bethal, 23, was at a house party in Brownsville when someone accidentally stepped on her foot. The lady apologized to Bethal. And that was that.

Oh, wait. No. This is Brooklyn. That wasn’t that.

Bethal grabbed the woman’s hair and threw her to the ground. The woman was able to get up and flee but Bethal pursued her, throwing empty bottles at her. When Bethal caught up to the victim, she picked up a shard of glass and slashed this woman’s face.

The woman’s face required 100 stitches.

But more importantly, how’s your foot, Latrata?

I heart Brooklyn.

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Somebody else drove the wrong way (also while drunk) down the Taconic late Wednesday night. He was arrested but didn’t kill anyone.

Maybe some better signage is needed on the Taconic? Maybe?

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Sally Pipes has a peachy keen op-ed titled:

KILLING INSURANCE

Prez’s promises a death knell

Why do I read these op-eds every day? They’re infuriating. And erroneous. I’m not even going to finish this one. I’m putting Sally Pipes down and moving on to… Bill O’Reilly?!?! No… must turn page…

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Oh, boy. The 9/11 museum plans on having an exhibit that features the 19 hijackers — with printed transcripts of their “martyrdom tapes.”

Keep it up and someone’s going to fly a plane into the 9/11 museum.

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Dave G. Becher of East Northport writes in to let us know why conservatives were against Obama’s speech to students.

“His speech intended to ask not what you can do for your country, but what you can do for Obama.”

I wonder who Dave is parroting here. Rush? Glenn? That kid from Life Goes On?

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Ellen DeGeneres is being sued by major record labels who claim that she never asked permission to use their music during her show’s dancing segments.

The music industry must really be desperate for cash.

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Kyle Smith gave Whiteout half a star. The original graphic novel (by Greg Rucka and Steve Lieber) is terrific. I heard the movie deviates from the original story, but I haven’t read it in years. I’ll have to brush up before I viddy this.

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Page 95 is a full page ad for MajorWorld.com, a Queens-based car dealership.

With an American flag backdrop, large blue words hover over a Toyota and 2 Hondas.

Never Forgotten

Always Remembered.

Major World Salutes Those Who Served…

Booooooooo.

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I just realized — if Jeter gets a hit tonight, he will become the all-time hit leader for the Yankees.

And he’ll do it on 9/11.

Lots o’ pressure.

 

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John Stossel, one of the worst tele-journalists in American history is taking his half-assed disingenuous reporting to the place that rewards such qualities: Fox Business Channel.

Best of luck to you, John.

 

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Linda Stasi explains why making Ellen DeGeneres a judge on American Idol will make her stop watching.

“Making Ellen the new judge on American Idol is like putting a tutu on the gorilla in your living room and expecting it to start doing grand jetes.”

1) Why is the gorilla in my living room?

2) Asking Ellen to judge singers is like asking a gorilla to do ballet?

3) Why were you still watching American Idol?

 

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Time to tidy! The weekend happens in 6 hours (give or take)! Hang in there, kittens!

http://www.myfoxny.com/dpp/news/politics/090910_Who_Is_Rep_Joe_Wilson

Here’s the second paragraph. See if you can spot the error.

Wilson shouted “You live,” when President Obama said his health care plan would not cover illegal immigrants.

This is like when they oopsie-doodled and gave Larry Craig and Mark Foley a “(D)” next to their names on their awful news shows.

Fair (as in mediocre) and ballast.